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What it's like to be British
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Blatantly stolen from Facebook
• Worrying you’ve accidentally packed 3 kilos of cocaine and a dead goat as you stroll through “Nothing to declare”
• Being unable to stand and leave without first saying “right”
• Not hearing someone for the third time, so just laughing and hoping for the best
• Saying “anywhere here’s fine” when the taxi’s directly outside your front door
• Being sure to start touching your bag 15 minutes before your station, so the person in the aisle seat is fully prepared for your exit
• Repeatedly pressing the door button on the train before it’s illuminated, to assure your fellow commuters you have the situation in hand
• Having someone sit next to you on the train, meaning you’ll have to eat your crisps at home
• The huge sense of relief after your perfectly valid train ticket is accepted by the inspector
• The horror of someone you only half know saying: “Oh I’m getting that train too”
• “Sorry, is anyone sitting here?” – Translation: Unless this is a person who looks remarkably like a bag, I suggest you move it
• Loudly tapping your fingers at the cashpoint, to assure the queue that you’ve asked for money and the wait is out of your hands
• Looking away so violently as someone nearby enters their PIN that you accidentally dislocate your neck
• Waiting for permission to leave after paying for something with the exact change
• Saying hello to a friend in the supermarket, then creeping around like a burglar to avoid seeing them again
• Watching with quiet sorrow as you receive a different haircut to the one you requested
• Being unable to pay for something with the exact change without saying “I think that’s right”
• Overtaking someone on foot and having to keep up the uncomfortably fast pace until safely over the horizon
• Being unable to turn and walk in the opposite direction without first taking out your phone and frowning at it
• Deeming it necessary to do a little jog over zebra crossings, while throwing in an apologetic mini wave
• Punishing people who don’t say thank you by saying “you’re welcome” as quietly as possible
• The overwhelming sorrow of finding a cup of tea you forgot about
• Turning down a cup of tea for no reason and instantly knowing you’ve made a terrible, terrible mistake
• Suddenly remembering your tea and necking it like a massive, lukewarm shot
• Realising you’ve got about fifty grand’s worth of plastic bags under your kitchen sink
• “You’ll have to excuse the mess” – Translation: I’ve spent seven hours tidying in preparation for your visit
• Indicating that you want the last roast potato by trying to force everyone else to take it
• “I’m off to bed” – Translation: “I’m off to stare at my phone in another part of the house”
• Mishearing somebody’s name on the second time of asking, meaning you must now avoid them forever
• Leaving it too late to correct someone, meaning you must live with your new name forever
• Running out of ways to say thanks when a succession of doors are held for you, having already deployed ‘cheers’, ‘ta’ and ‘nice one’
• Changing from ‘kind regards’ to just ‘regards’, to indicate that you’re rapidly reaching the end of your tether
• Staring at your phone in silent horror until the unknown number stops ringing
• Hearing a recording of your own voice and deciding it’s perhaps best never to speak again
• The relief when someone doesn’t answer their phone within three rings and you can hang up
• Filming an entire fireworks display on your phone, knowing full well you’ll never, ever watch it again |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I constantly lament the creeping Americanisation of our culture, however I'm heartened by this list. Forced politeness and mild passive aggression til I die! |
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its very apt.. 
also the slightly annoying habit we seem to have developed whereby we say 'sorry' when we have done nothing wrong..
2 people arriving at the same doorway from either side simultaneously is just a coincidence..  |
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"Of course when things get too much and we snap there is the "OUTSIDE!" and holding the door open for the person we intend to give a good leathering to!
 "
wtf?
I wouldn't say that brawling was a quintessentially British trait, though I suppose in certain circles it might be considered so..  |
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""Of course when things get too much and we snap there is the "OUTSIDE!" and holding the door open for the person we intend to give a good leathering to!
wtf?
I wouldn't say that brawling was a quintessentially British trait, though I suppose in certain circles it might be considered so.. ""
Really?
What Britain do you live in?
I live in the one where every city or town centre pub and club has a team of bouncers working the doors and keeping a lid on the violence that is simmering away just under the surface, and that if you want to avoid it you go looking for quiet country pubs.
And just to be quite clear, we built the British empire and defeated every foe we have faced in the last 1000 years with the release of all that pent up anger (not to mention populating Australia).
I would say the British have managed to make brawling a national pastime! God we even turned it into a sport with rules! Marquess of Queensbury dontcha know. 
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"I'm a British subject
Not proud of it
While I carry the burden of shame."
Is this the time to don a pair of glasses, stick my elbows out and go all ben elton..."little bit of politics creeping in there".... |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Omg so funny i do almost all of these
Reninded me of a woman i worked with. Everytime i saw her she called me a different name begining with the right letter. I tried telling her a few times but then it got awkward so i just accepted my new names till she left. I wouldnt mind she emailed me at least twice a week |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Omg so funny i do almost all of these
Reninded me of a woman i worked with. Everytime i saw her she called me a different name begining with the right letter. I tried telling her a few times but then it got awkward so i just accepted my new names till she left. I wouldnt mind she emailed me at least twice a week "
 that's hilarious |
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