FabSwingers.com > Forums > The Lounge > Generalising
Generalising
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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I have never been interested in meeting married guys because I have always believed that they have someone, they don’t need to be looking elsewhere and find it odd that they have got married but sleep around. I’ve always been shocked, as people are, at those who are cheating on their partners and the mistress element, how desperate and sad these women are that they want something that belongs to someone else, that they cannot find someone single. I can’t say I understand their point of _iew but this is not the point of _iew I am thinking about in writing this thread.
On another site, I have been chatting to someone I knew from a martial arts class I used to attend about 15 yrs ago. Since those classes, he has got married for the second time, and he and his wife have a 5 yr old daughter. He tells me that he and his wife no longer have sex because she said that now she has a child, what she has always wanted, she no longer wants sex with him! So does that mean she only married him for that reason, surely that isn’t right?
Either way it has got me thinking about why guys cheat on their wives. And I think to be honest, it is because I was generalising them with those that cheat for the hell of it, for fun if you like. I do kind of feel sorry for those that no longer have sex with their wives because their wives no longer want sex or them; perhaps have all they need or want now, just does seem rather selfish to marry someone knowing that you just want a child (in this case) but not the relationship, companionship, sharing your life with someone you love?
Anyway, to be fair, I’ve unblocked some of the married guys cheating on their wives because in most cases, that’s why I had blocked them, seems now rather illogical. If it says on their profile that they are married, and on mine that I wont meet them, no meet is ever going to happen so was pointless blocking really.
But even though i have changed my opinion slightly and my thoughts on cheating, and the reasons for it, i still wouldnt meet them. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I wont meet married men because Ive been cheated on and id hate to think i was playing an active part in encouraging a man to continue cheating.
Its just a personal preference. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Kitten i had a male pal in a similar marriage. She made him feel like all he was good for was a baby making machine. He told me he looked for mostly being loved and wanted outside the marriage rather than just the sex.
Who knows the real reason why people cheat. I guess there are too many reasons for us to generalise. |
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By *ugby 123Couple
over a year ago
Forum Mod O o O oo |
Kitten......for many years I had the same _iew as you, married people cheating was disgusting and I always said they should just leave if they want to have someone else.
Then I spoke to someone who had two kids with a woman and they had only had sex when they were trying to make their babies. After the youngest was born the sex stopped altogether.
She had no intention of having sex with him again and didn't......he stayed another 14 years without sex and no didn't go anywhere else for it, but felt he had to leave as it wasn't just sex he was missing, it was the intimacy /hand holding/cuddling he missed too.
When he left her she actually admitted to me that she just wanted the kids and if he had stayed and played away without telling her, she would have been ok with that.....so yeah, there are women out there who will use men to get what they want.
I then realised I was looking at things as black and white.......when there is lots of shades of grey inbewteen that I hadn't thought of....and although we still don't want to play with marrieds ( for a load of reasons ) I can understand why some marrieds need attention else where. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"its not just women who refuse to have sex with their hubby. i've got a mate whose hubby hasn't gone near her in 5 years."
Yes i suspect there is but it is a male friend i have hence my change of heart |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"Kitten i had a male pal in a similar marriage. She made him feel like all he was good for was a baby making machine. He told me he looked for mostly being loved and wanted outside the marriage rather than just the sex.
Who knows the real reason why people cheat. I guess there are too many reasons for us to generalise."
That is my point, generalising, what i was doing and shouldnt have done, is to say/think that all cheaters are just doing it for fun whereas in reality that isnt the case, some want as has been said, the closeness, holding hands, the tenderness, the knowing and wanting someone to love them, only to find that actually they just wanted a baby making machine  what an incredibly sad life, but more what nasty women there are that do this to a man, no wonder there is no trust in a marriage  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I don't think no sex or no affection is a good enough reason to be unfaithful.
It's a good enough reason to get out of the marriage.
It's a good enough reason to be open and say you are going to look for sex elsewhere.
It isn't a good enough reason to lie to keep the peace.
Keeping the peace means things stay as they are.
I couldn't ever trust a liar. No matter what my involvement with them. If they will lie to a spouse they will lie to you too.
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"I don't think no sex or no affection is a good enough reason to be unfaithful.
It's a good enough reason to get out of the marriage.
It's a good enough reason to be open and say you are going to look for sex elsewhere.
It isn't a good enough reason to lie to keep the peace.
Keeping the peace means things stay as they are.
I couldn't ever trust a liar. No matter what my involvement with them. If they will lie to a spouse they will lie to you too.
"
Quite right too but i just wanted to say that i had been generalising and shouldnt have done, guess it takes chatting to someone thats real ie not an online friend, to open up my mind  |
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I use to work with a single guy who would tell women he was married, but his wife wouldn't make love with him anymore. He would explain how he missed the loving touches, the cuddling, the tenderness and how she was so cold towards him.
He'd often and up getting their knickers off and of course had the 'but I am married' as the get out clause.
Some people will tell you what you need to hear to be on their side or to achieve their goal.
A sexless marriage is different to a loveless marriage. If someone’s partner doesn’t show any love, affection and compassion to them… well I cannot comprehend why they stay.
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Yep ... take each case on it's merits I say.
I would still watch my back with liars and cheats.
It does show their standards and those standards will be used against you too. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I don't think no sex or no affection is a good enough reason to be unfaithful.
It's a good enough reason to get out of the marriage.
It's a good enough reason to be open and say you are going to look for sex elsewhere.
It isn't a good enough reason to lie to keep the peace.
Keeping the peace means things stay as they are.
I couldn't ever trust a liar. No matter what my involvement with them. If they will lie to a spouse they will lie to you too.
Quite right too but i just wanted to say that i had been generalising and shouldnt have done, guess it takes chatting to someone thats real ie not an online friend, to open up my mind "
I am real. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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Okay now i get the message from both you and Polo too, a good point and guess perhaps i should take what my friend is telling me with a huge pinch of salt  |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"I don't think no sex or no affection is a good enough reason to be unfaithful.
It's a good enough reason to get out of the marriage.
It's a good enough reason to be open and say you are going to look for sex elsewhere.
It isn't a good enough reason to lie to keep the peace.
Keeping the peace means things stay as they are.
I couldn't ever trust a liar. No matter what my involvement with them. If they will lie to a spouse they will lie to you too.
Quite right too but i just wanted to say that i had been generalising and shouldnt have done, guess it takes chatting to someone thats real ie not an online friend, to open up my mind
I am real."
yes i know but i meant online as in not met as opposed to someone ive known for over 15 yrs |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Okay now i get the message from both you and Polo too, a good point and guess perhaps i should take what my friend is telling me with a huge pinch of salt "
Nooooooooo not at all. If someone is telling you to accept they are a liar and a cheat and a weak character that's good .... just don't expect anything else of them x |
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By *abioMan
over a year ago
Newcastle and Gateshead |
it is an interesting topic... and as people have said there is not such thing as black and white...
so for every story like the ones you have heard above... we have all heard stories of people being told stories like the above, but then the reality is different and people have told what in effect are lies to get their end away (notice i have not said anything about gender at all)
I am still of the belief that if they truely are in a relationship like this then they would at least have the decency to talk to their partner about it... rather than just going off and doing it behind their backs and then dealing with the consequences afterwards....
the "what they don't know won't hurt them" arguement....
because we know that that isn't true either... there is always a consequence!
I have been thru my own pain.... and as i said "you weren't thinking of me at the time when you did what you did!"
and like i have said.. i have seen the ultimate consequence... a person died and the one person who they professed to love more then any other never found out until afterwards.... and that is the pain that will always stick with me!
does that in the end make me nieve.... probably... but it makes me me, and forms some of the reasoning I use |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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It saddens me to this day that I lied to and cheated on my ex-hubby when we were married, for no other reason except he did not light my fire or provided the fireworks that I sought.
I shall carry that guilt to my coffin!
|
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"It saddens me to this day that I lied to and cheated on my ex-hubby when we were married, for no other reason except he did not light my fire or provided the fireworks that I sought.
I shall carry that guilt to my coffin!
"
To err is human ....forgive yourself ..we all make mistakes ..me included..I`ve been both sides of the fence.. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"
Some women I know stay in loveless mariages..starved of affection because of their needs for security and status ..."
That applies to men also .. to children ...to the elderly ..... to a hell of a lot of people.
Their choice. They would rather have that than affection. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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At the end of the day no one knows what goes on behind closed doors. Yes there's cheaters on here but why they cheat we will never know being on here could be a stress relief. Alot of married men I've met have been honest they still love their wives but not had sex in years but they don't want an affair so they come on here. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"
Some women I know stay in loveless mariages..starved of affection because of their needs for security and status ...
That applies to men also .. to children ...to the elderly ..... to a hell of a lot of people.
Their choice. They would rather have that than affection. "
Couldn`t agree more ....its wasn`t mean`t to be gender specific ....
Its complex...but nothing beats honesty ....and courage... |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"At the end of the day no one knows what goes on behind closed doors. Yes there's cheaters on here but why they cheat we will never know being on here could be a stress relief. Alot of married men I've met have been honest they still love their wives but not had sex in years but they don't want an affair so they come on here. "
Im fine with that J.. as long as the parter knows.
That's my only beef..... the deceit |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"
Some women I know stay in loveless mariages..starved of affection because of their needs for security and status ..."
.
My mum was one such person, and I swore I would never be like her, and be dependent on a man for anything! It made me the way I am today, and I thank her for it.  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"
Some women I know stay in loveless mariages..starved of affection because of their needs for security and status ...
.
My mum was one such person, and I swore I would never be like her, and be dependent on a man for anything! It made me the way I am today, and I thank her for it. "
Its so so sad to see...fear makes so many of our choices at times ... |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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A lot of very successful marriages have very little to do with fidelity. The only two people fit to comment on the state of their marriage are those inside of it. Trying to explain how its successful to any third party is futile and a waste of everyones time if they are bogged down with what are considered 'traditional values' and don't realise the modern marriage commitments now come in all shapes and sizes.
Marriage is meant to be worked out for the benefit of those it concerns. How they come to what works for them is nobodies business and no outside opinion affects it whatsoever. Or it shouldn't.
I have heard a lot of unmarried people quoting marriage vows in such a cliched fashion to support their disdain... such as 'till death us do part' or 'foresaking all others' yet a lot of these people have children outside of marriage and the bible says children should be born within wedlock. If I was to start quoting the institution of marriage regarding the circumstances of how their children are born, then I would be shot down in flames and quite rightly so. They choose not to marry so why have opinions about those who do? If you're not married or have had an unsuccessful marriage you are in no position to criticise those who have a good one perhaps? This is just an example of double standards.
Divorce is a last option where no violence or cruelty or danger is involved. I believe when couples get along apart from the odd difference of value or opinions that they could just talk openly about how they are going to get this compromise. If it fails so be it. Nobpdy should live in misery. Divorce from what I can see could be a lot more damaging, judging by the examples of fall out regards child custody, splitting of assets etc etc. in my very humble opinion.
There are an awful lot of people who divorce and still refer to their ex on a regular basis when giving opinions - never their own opinion. As in 'oh my ex says this, that and the other'. If divorce is final why do divorced people keep referring to their ex as if they are still in that relationship? If they think like this then to me their opinion of marriage is merely coloured by their own experience and they could be having a closed mind towards other marriage situations.
Most married people who have retained their individuality, while still enjoying a successful union are far more liberated and a lot less condescending of others choices in my experience. I couldn't care less what anybody does to find personal happiness - including a good sex life inside or outside of a relationship. Or why do we swing?
My parents divorced for no good reason other than refusal to compromise. They are both remarried but still fight with each other forty years on its absolutely ridiculous, as they are both obviously still in love and interested in what the other does.
I do not understand how anyone can be so controlling that they decide another persons sex life for them, by withdrawing their body on a whim within any realtionship. If I want sex I will go and get it from whatever source is available to me at the time. Frustration can make people do funny things when there is no need to rock the boat. I do not think anyone refusing to play with a married person has any influence on that persons dallying but that does not mean to say you should disregard the marriage/relationship if it makes you uncomfortable. You are not saving the 'innocent partner' from grief by shagging their spouse, unless you are a bunny boiler and the person you choose is an idiot who flaunts it or this dallying is detrimental to day to day function of the relationship.
You just have to decide if the person you want to meet is an idiot or not. NSA sex ceases to exist the second you go your separate ways. Unless you wear it like a banner. Then that makes you stupid.
The thing I fear from this type of liaison is when the other person gets too attached. So I try to avoid those who are hooked on wanting to muddle sex with love on sites like this. Love can happen but if you accept that can you also accept that infidelity doesn't have to mean a marriage is lousy. My parents divorced their offspring are still stuck inside their union and that colours my opinion greatly. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"It saddens me to this day that I lied to and cheated on my ex-hubby when we were married, for no other reason except he did not light my fire or provided the fireworks that I sought.
I shall carry that guilt to my coffin!
To err is human ....forgive yourself ..we all make mistakes ..me included..I`ve been both sides of the fence.."
.
I have not been able to forgive myself for hurting a great man, perhaps one day I can. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I stayed in a sexless, loveless marriage for many years putting up with my hubby's affairs (this included him fathering a child), as I did not have the means to leave, it took nearly 7 years to be able to raise the funds, the last year I was with him, I joined Fab and still got slagged off for being a cheat here in the forums even though my story was known, with the comments that included, just because he does it, doesn't mean you should |
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If someone will lie to the person they say they love... what on earth makes anyone else believe they are being totally honest about why they are doing it?
In my time I have known guys who have cheated on partners and they had a new born baby in the house or their wives were pregnant... better still it's not their wife as it's their girlfriend they are cheating on and the wedding isn't for another 6 months!
Many have used the lines about the relationship being sexless and not being shown any affection.
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I fail to see how one person saying they are not getting what they need from their relationship and so feel they have no option but to lie and deceive their partner can be classed as a ‘successful’ relationship. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"It saddens me to this day that I lied to and cheated on my ex-hubby when we were married, for no other reason except he did not light my fire or provided the fireworks that I sought.
I shall carry that guilt to my coffin!
To err is human ....forgive yourself ..we all make mistakes ..me included..I`ve been both sides of the fence..
.
I have not been able to forgive myself for hurting a great man, perhaps one day I can. "
Thanks for being honest....I`ve an enormous regard for someone sharing their mistakes .... |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"To err is human ....forgive yourself ..we all make mistakes ..me included..I`ve been both sides of the fence..
.
I have not been able to forgive myself for hurting a great man, perhaps one day I can.
Thanks for being honest....I`ve an enormous regard for someone sharing their mistakes ...."
.
Awwww, thanks!
I am crap at lying, that's why I am honest!  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"If someone will lie to the person they say they love... what on earth makes anyone else believe they are being totally honest about why they are doing it?
In my time I have known guys who have cheated on partners and they had a new born baby in the house or their wives were pregnant... better still it's not their wife as it's their girlfriend they are cheating on and the wedding isn't for another 6 months!
Many have used the lines about the relationship being sexless and not being shown any affection.
"
I honestly belief you have but I also honestly believe there are a lot of people who have unknowingly had sex with attached people too. You have the choice to say no when someone tells you the existance of a partner who doesnt know theyre dallying an it is a step too far for you.
Some people can also tell you there partner is aware and this is perfectly true as well. Not every married person gets caught out for the knowledge to get back to you.
I just find it a bit odd that some people can be sceptical over everything they are told when it is just NSA anyway. I can imagine being named in a divorce petition or receivign irate phone calls from an unknowing spouse is pretty offputting but its no different to the risk of catching an sti or suffering a physical attack from a violent stranger you meet who looks great on paper. They're not gonna tell you they kicked seven bells out of the last woman they met are they?
If you choose to have sex with strangers you meet online, you can never be sure who you are sleeping with. If anyone needs complete assurances then they are being niave. Nobody knows why anyone tells lies but lying is not exclusive to the dallying attached. Singles can tell some pretty spectacular porkies that go against your boundaries too.
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"To err is human ....forgive yourself ..we all make mistakes ..me included..I`ve been both sides of the fence..
.
I have not been able to forgive myself for hurting a great man, perhaps one day I can.
Thanks for being honest....I`ve an enormous regard for someone sharing their mistakes ....
.
Awwww, thanks!
I am crap at lying, that's why I am honest! "
haha the pleasures mostly mine ...
From experience I came to realise lying becomes a prison .....walls do not make one ....
I try my best to be honest ....I`m a human being made of flaws...stitched together with good intentions ....
Yer so right ...honesty is far simpler.. |
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Definately take each case on its own merits, however we are all capable of being liars and cheats and its often the case that what we are told as being the 'truth' is in fact a lie, so when they say they are in a loving but sexless marriage might not always be the case.
I know from personal experience just how damaging an affair can be as my ex was having one with someone I'd considered a best friend for nearly 10 years... in fact they are a couple now and in all honesty think they are welcome to one and other ...
in my book once a cheater always a cheater, there will always be that temptation to do it again as they've gotten away with it before.
Tread carefully and always follow your instincts. |
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Definately take each case on its own merits, however we are all capable of being liars and cheats and its often the case that what we are told as being the 'truth' is in fact a lie, so when they say they are in a loving but sexless marriage might not always be the case.
I know from personal experience just how damaging an affair can be as my ex was having one with someone I'd considered a best friend for nearly 10 years... in fact they are a couple now and in all honesty think they are welcome to one and other ...
in my book once a cheater always a cheater, there will always be that temptation to do it again as they've gotten away with it before.
Tread carefully and always follow your instincts. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I do not knowingly play with anyone who is in a significant relationship.
May be that's why I seldom play in clubs until I get to know the person better, and am satisfied that he is genuinely single. |
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I have no doubt I have fucked plenty of married guys who are playing away. When playing at clubs I don’t even bother asking people’s names let alone their current status and the details of their relationship. I clear that with my own conscience by knowing I didn’t knowingly encourage them to deceive anyone. Whether that is seen as ignorance being bliss or not I really don’t care. For me it about being true to my values and for me to achieve that I will not knowingly ‘arrange’ to help someone cheat on another person… no matter how heart tugging their story is. For me there is no difference between a guy saying “I cheat because I can” and “blar blar sob story, blar blar loveless, blar blar”… it’s about my role in the end result and that would be the same whatever their story was. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I have no doubt I have fucked plenty of married guys who are playing away. When playing at clubs I don’t even bother asking people’s names let alone their current status and the details of their relationship. I clear that with my own conscience by knowing I didn’t knowingly encourage them to deceive anyone. Whether that is seen as ignorance being bliss or not I really don’t care. For me it about being true to my values and for me to achieve that I will not knowingly ‘arrange’ to help someone cheat on another person… no matter how heart tugging their story is. For me there is no difference between a guy saying “I cheat because I can” and “blar blar sob story, blar blar loveless, blar blar”… it’s about my role in the end result and that would be the same whatever their story was."
and thats where the common sense must lie... in your words 'never knowingly' thats all anyone can do in any aspect of life. Never knowingly encourage behaviour that is outside of your personal boundaries. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"
Some women I know stay in loveless mariages..starved of affection because of their needs for security and status ...
.
My mum was one such person, and I swore I would never be like her, and be dependent on a man for anything! It made me the way I am today, and I thank her for it.
Its so so sad to see...fear makes so many of our choices at times ..."
Doesnt it just as i have never married, never met someone i would like to spend the rest of my life with, lost trust hugely because of the behaviour of men (mostly though you can add my cheater of a mother who even flaunted her lover in front of my dad) and the fact that i am so used to being alone, im scared to let someone in, ive no desire to be hurt, been there done that, dont want it again |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"A lot of very successful marriages have very little to do with fidelity. The only two people fit to comment on the state of their marriage are those inside of it. Trying to explain how its successful to any third party is futile and a waste of everyones time if they are bogged down with what are considered 'traditional values' and don't realise the modern marriage commitments now come in all shapes and sizes.
Marriage is meant to be worked out for the benefit of those it concerns. How they come to what works for them is nobodies business and no outside opinion affects it whatsoever. Or it shouldn't.
I have heard a lot of unmarried people quoting marriage vows in such a cliched fashion to support their disdain... such as 'till death us do part' or 'foresaking all others' yet a lot of these people have children outside of marriage and the bible says children should be born within wedlock. If I was to start quoting the institution of marriage regarding the circumstances of how their children are born, then I would be shot down in flames and quite rightly so. They choose not to marry so why have opinions about those who do? If you're not married or have had an unsuccessful marriage you are in no position to criticise those who have a good one perhaps? This is just an example of double standards.
Divorce is a last option where no violence or cruelty or danger is involved. I believe when couples get along apart from the odd difference of value or opinions that they could just talk openly about how they are going to get this compromise. If it fails so be it. Nobpdy should live in misery. Divorce from what I can see could be a lot more damaging, judging by the examples of fall out regards child custody, splitting of assets etc etc. in my very humble opinion.
There are an awful lot of people who divorce and still refer to their ex on a regular basis when giving opinions - never their own opinion. As in 'oh my ex says this, that and the other'. If divorce is final why do divorced people keep referring to their ex as if they are still in that relationship? If they think like this then to me their opinion of marriage is merely coloured by their own experience and they could be having a closed mind towards other marriage situations.
Most married people who have retained their individuality, while still enjoying a successful union are far more liberated and a lot less condescending of others choices in my experience. I couldn't care less what anybody does to find personal happiness - including a good sex life inside or outside of a relationship. Or why do we swing?
My parents divorced for no good reason other than refusal to compromise. They are both remarried but still fight with each other forty years on its absolutely ridiculous, as they are both obviously still in love and interested in what the other does.
I do not understand how anyone can be so controlling that they decide another persons sex life for them, by withdrawing their body on a whim within any realtionship. If I want sex I will go and get it from whatever source is available to me at the time. Frustration can make people do funny things when there is no need to rock the boat. I do not think anyone refusing to play with a married person has any influence on that persons dallying but that does not mean to say you should disregard the marriage/relationship if it makes you uncomfortable. You are not saving the 'innocent partner' from grief by shagging their spouse, unless you are a bunny boiler and the person you choose is an idiot who flaunts it or this dallying is detrimental to day to day function of the relationship.
You just have to decide if the person you want to meet is an idiot or not. NSA sex ceases to exist the second you go your separate ways. Unless you wear it like a banner. Then that makes you stupid.
The thing I fear from this type of liaison is when the other person gets too attached. So I try to avoid those who are hooked on wanting to muddle sex with love on sites like this. Love can happen but if you accept that can you also accept that infidelity doesn't have to mean a marriage is lousy. My parents divorced their offspring are still stuck inside their union and that colours my opinion greatly."
And as ive said my mother flaunted her lover in front of my father even though they were still living together. She then took me and my brother to live with them and my "step father" wasnt the nicest of people either, and whilst they lived together and still do, she would ring my father at work and moan about the man she was living with, as if she had done nothing wrong? So yes a very distorted opinion for me of relationships and i struggle with the word love |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Yes, this is nsa, but I play by my rules. If a man claims to be single but can only meet during the day, asks me not to wear perfume, asks me not to use scented oils, asks me not to restrain them or leave marks, can't accommodate etc, then it's not fun for me!
There is an abundance of "uncomplicated" single men to play with: married men and their sob life stories not for me thanks. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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both my parents have in the past had affairs.its no big secret.they're still together after 50 years of marraige and still in love. that's them
if someone did it to me the deceit would kill it
the deceit would just fester away at me |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"both my parents have in the past had affairs.its no big secret.they're still together after 50 years of marraige and still in love. that's them
if someone did it to me the deceit would kill it
the deceit would just fester away at me"
You'd have to find out first .... |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Monogamy, Polygamy , Polyandry - harem , threesome , tensome, Swingers........
No one should moralise about the formation of sexual groups or relationships ....... but if you are in a monogamous relationship there is no excuse good enough to lie.
btw.......those that stick together despite being found out ...fine. They've decided that splitting is better than losing.
Personally im more for the Cheryl Cole acts of self respect than for models of acceptance and continuation.
Which is the stronger I can't say.
If walking away is weak..... call me weak. I have no truck with those that treat others with sufficient contempt to lie to them. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"
Some women I know stay in loveless mariages..starved of affection because of their needs for security and status ...
.
My mum was one such person, and I swore I would never be like her, and be dependent on a man for anything! It made me the way I am today, and I thank her for it.
Its so so sad to see...fear makes so many of our choices at times ...
Doesnt it just as i have never married, never met someone i would like to spend the rest of my life with, lost trust hugely because of the behaviour of men (mostly though you can add my cheater of a mother who even flaunted her lover in front of my dad) and the fact that i am so used to being alone, im scared to let someone in, ive no desire to be hurt, been there done that, dont want it again "
Bless you fer being vunerable ...
Deciet can cut some of us so deeply ...I`m a very sensitive kinda soul..but full of contradictions ...some things that others struggle with I shake of in the blink of an eye ...the thing thats hurt me most in my life ..has always been betrayal....get to my core..
I don`t suffer from abandonement..but betrayal is a biggy ...I built those walls we all talk about...protective ..
I`m fortunate in that I have a way to heal ...doesn`t make me better..just fortunate ...it took ages tho..I still got barriers that people have got to climb over before I`ll trust someone with my vunerabilities ...Sharon gives me space which is wise ...
I dunno if you happy being single ...or wish to meet someone compatible ....if its the latter ..I hope it works out fer you ..x |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"Okay now i get the message from both you and Polo too, a good point and guess perhaps i should take what my friend is telling me with a huge pinch of salt
Nooooooooo not at all. If someone is telling you to accept they are a liar and a cheat and a weak character that's good .... just don't expect anything else of them x "
Ah yes and makes sense as he has tried to come to mine for coffee and who knows what would have happened, so im glad i ignored it, in my heart as much as ive always liked him, he is now married, simple as that |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"
Some women I know stay in loveless mariages..starved of affection because of their needs for security and status ...
.
My mum was one such person, and I swore I would never be like her, and be dependent on a man for anything! It made me the way I am today, and I thank her for it.
Its so so sad to see...fear makes so many of our choices at times ...
Doesnt it just as i have never married, never met someone i would like to spend the rest of my life with, lost trust hugely because of the behaviour of men (mostly though you can add my cheater of a mother who even flaunted her lover in front of my dad) and the fact that i am so used to being alone, im scared to let someone in, ive no desire to be hurt, been there done that, dont want it again
Bless you fer being vunerable ...
Deciet can cut some of us so deeply ...I`m a very sensitive kinda soul..but full of contradictions ...some things that others struggle with I shake of in the blink of an eye ...the thing thats hurt me most in my life ..has always been betrayal....get to my core..
I don`t suffer from abandonement..but betrayal is a biggy ...I built those walls we all talk about...protective ..
I`m fortunate in that I have a way to heal ...doesn`t make me better..just fortunate ...it took ages tho..I still got barriers that people have got to climb over before I`ll trust someone with my vunerabilities ...Sharon gives me space which is wise ...
I dunno if you happy being single ...or wish to meet someone compatible ....if its the latter ..I hope it works out fer you ..x"
I still have a barrier up but i am letting it down a little at a time, coming on here and meeting guys was a big step, the even bigger one was going to Chameleons
And yes its nice to be single but would be nice to meet someone, they would have to be incredibly strong and still give me space |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"
I still have a barrier up but i am letting it down a little at a time, coming on here and meeting guys was a big step, the even bigger one was going to Chameleons
And yes its nice to be single but would be nice to meet someone, they would have to be incredibly strong and still give me space "
Hey ...thats wonderful ...sounds like living in the solution to me ...
Some wise bugger once said ...alot of people build walls instead of bridges ....always liked that!!  |
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"
Some women I know stay in loveless mariages..starved of affection because of their needs for security and status ..."
...and men too, sometimes because of an utter fear of never seeing their kids again.
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"
Some women I know stay in loveless mariages..starved of affection because of their needs for security and status ...
...and men too, sometimes because of an utter fear of never seeing their kids again.
"
You`re right of course...sadly thats a reality.. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"
I still have a barrier up but i am letting it down a little at a time, coming on here and meeting guys was a big step, the even bigger one was going to Chameleons
And yes its nice to be single but would be nice to meet someone, they would have to be incredibly strong and still give me space
Hey ...thats wonderful ...sounds like living in the solution to me ...
Some wise bugger once said ...alot of people build walls instead of bridges ....always liked that!! "
In that case ive crossed 2 bridges in a year |
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By *umourCouple
over a year ago
Rushden |
In my (our) opinion, there is no excuse for cheating on a partner! Lies and deceit are not the kind of moral standards we live by or would condone! If there is a problem with the relationship, get it sorted or get out!
My dear old Mum had 2 affairs that we know of and she seemed to get away with the first one until we all grew up! My sister is the result of that union!
The second one exploded the family to the point that I was traumatised for years and I suppose even now, by it! My parents had an argument and Dad asked who was going with him. My brother did and we didn't see him for ten years. I was too young to "Know" what was going on but I realised it was serious and I missed Dad a lot.
We were whisked away to a new town and had to give up our lovely dog and lost all our friends. It was a terrible time and we still feel the repercussions today! Mum had Dementia and keeps bringing up stuff from that period. My Dad who came back to us after 20 years because he still loved Mum, has to put up with rehashes of the time and even the insults that he endured before.
No, there is NO excuse to put people you profess to love through that, just because you want to get a shag!
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By *ig badMan
over a year ago
Up North :-) |
"I have always said.. 'if attached, say it on your profile then people can make an informed choice to meet or not.'
nowt more can be done really."
I think that sums it up then you can choose to avoid from the start. It isn't strictly being honest if his/her partner doesn't know though but cheating isn't an honest activity however you dress it up. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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women will be opposed to married men until they meet one they want to take it further with.
i know this as i was a mistress once. the man i was seeing had a wife in another country. i was called all sorts from my closest friend and she never supported me.
recently she started an affair. the man she is seeing has said no way will he leave his wife and says that they don't have sex...it's the most common of lines by the way.
there is one very true thing i have come to realise. someone will get hurt...and it is usually the person that has no involvement.
if they are not having sex then he has to make a choice about what he chooses to do. he has no moral high ground because he feels like he was trapped by his wife...he has made the decision to stay with her.
if he wants to have sex with other people, then out of respect he should tell his wife...at least give her the same option as he has...which is whether to stay in the marriage or not
this applies to both sexes, but i say 'he' to answer the op
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"In my (our) opinion, there is no excuse for cheating on a partner! Lies and deceit are not the kind of moral standards we live by or would condone! If there is a problem with the relationship, get it sorted or get out!
My dear old Mum had 2 affairs that we know of and she seemed to get away with the first one until we all grew up! My sister is the result of that union!
The second one exploded the family to the point that I was traumatised for years and I suppose even now, by it! My parents had an argument and Dad asked who was going with him. My brother did and we didn't see him for ten years. I was too young to "Know" what was going on but I realised it was serious and I missed Dad a lot.
We were whisked away to a new town and had to give up our lovely dog and lost all our friends. It was a terrible time and we still feel the repercussions today! Mum had Dementia and keeps bringing up stuff from that period. My Dad who came back to us after 20 years because he still loved Mum, has to put up with rehashes of the time and even the insults that he endured before.
No, there is NO excuse to put people you profess to love through that, just because you want to get a shag!
"
My mother said that my dad had an affair with her best friend, i never had the nerve to ask him and he passed away nearly 4 yrs ago. That didnt give or doesnt give an excuse for a tit for tat affair, nor the "well your dad had one" kind of attitude that i had from her. Even today, she behaves as if she did nothing wrong but she is paying the price as he has never been the nicest man to her or me and my brother. Following her taking me and my brother away from my dad, we suffered all kinds of abuse, but still she stayed with him. When i asked her why didnt she leave him, she said that she couldnt stand the embarrassment and humiliation of telling her family that yet another of her marriages had failed! Yet she has chosen to do those things to her kids, perhaps she blames us? Or perhaps she likes to do those things to others but doesnt like it done to her?
To me a relationship/marriage is totally distorted on what it should and shouldnt be, a total waste of time. Even my own relationship wasnt all that but then i searched for what i thought was the norm and i didnt have a good base to go on thanks to my parents. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"
Some women I know stay in loveless mariages..starved of affection because of their needs for security and status ...
...and men too, sometimes because of an utter fear of never seeing their kids again.
"
Even though my kids father was an abusive father, it never crossed my mind not to allow them to see him, and i never believed that it was right not to stop them or use them as some nasty women do |
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"
Some women I know stay in loveless mariages..starved of affection because of their needs for security and status ...
...and men too, sometimes because of an utter fear of never seeing their kids again.
Even though my kids father was an abusive father, it never crossed my mind not to allow them to see him, and i never believed that it was right not to stop them or use them as some nasty women do"
That is great, that you can put your kids first. I'm lucky that me and my ex have been able to do this together.
Sometimes though, the fear can be based on other things, the wife relocating or taking a new partner for example. I thought about leaving my wife a few times but this fear kept me from confronting our problems, and I also still loved her.
We all judge people on this front, but it is a messy and complex thing just like everything in life, and I completely respect those who say playing with married men or women is not for them.
I never played whilst I was married, nor even when I was still living with her for several months but we had agreed to separate. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I don't judge others, but personally I wouldn't cheat on someone who I was with.
If I'm in what's supposed to be a monogamous relationship, then I'm in one. If I want to sleep around, then I can just be single and sleep around with whoever I want.
So if it was a sexless relationship and one person isn't getting what they want out of the relationship then it's a relationship that isn't working, so they should man up or woman up and end it.
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I don't judge others, but personally I wouldn't cheat on someone who I was with.
If I'm in what's supposed to be a monogamous relationship, then I'm in one. If I want to sleep around, then I can just be single and sleep around with whoever I want.
So if it was a sexless relationship and one person isn't getting what they want out of the relationship then it's a relationship that isn't working, so they should man up or woman up and end it.
"
Those in well rounded successful but sexless marriages that suit them, might feel a bit piqued at the suggestion they should end their marriage due to infidelity, though. I think the only people who can judge how their spouse will react is the person married to them so they choose the level of protection if its needed. Spouses not putting out can subconsciously be relieved a partner seeks sex elsewhere but doesn't want it rubbed in their faces, so appreciate the discretion.
It's not always as clear cut as 'mess round and Im leaving'. Some marriages thrive on the drama of infidelity. Bizarre? No more different to marriages that thrive with open swinging - each to their own. Only those inside of a marriage know what makes it tick.
I find it a little arrogant of those who say they don't dally with married people because in doing so they would be part of the deception and therefore seem to be elevating their own importance in that marriage, where none exists. In most cases if the dallier gets caught out and has to explain themselves, just remember that you will only be referred to as the person that 'meant nothing to me' and thats exactly what all of you are to the married seeking NSA - meaningless sex.
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I have never had a problem with this because i know everything ain't cut and dried and i haven't lived that persons life
What i do have a problem with is guys saying in open forum that they are cheating on their wives etc and wondering why folk have a go
I especially like the how do i get my wife into this?
And then find his verifications say hes started without her
The thing that really pisses me off though is the "single" males in clubs a few of which have openly stated ta me and my ex the fact that "i wouldn't bring my wife to a place like this" and then proceed ta wonder why we walked away in disgust xx |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I have never had a problem with this because i know everything ain't cut and dried and i haven't lived that persons life
What i do have a problem with is guys saying in open forum that they are cheating on their wives etc and wondering why folk have a go
I especially like the how do i get my wife into this?
And then find his verifications say hes started without her
The thing that really pisses me off though is the "single" males in clubs a few of which have openly stated ta me and my ex the fact that "i wouldn't bring my wife to a place like this" and then proceed ta wonder why we walked away in disgust xx "
Well again profiles, then email exchange can speak a million words unintentionally - so essential in the choosing process!
But insensitive people will still get laid by someone. So the walk on by method works for me if something doesnt seem to be quite right to make them an attractive enough proposition to arrange a meet with. |
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