FabSwingers.com > Forums > The Lounge > The thread for bad mothers.

The thread for bad mothers.

By *opsy Rogers OP Woman over a year ago

London

I didn't want to hijack the ones with all those lovely mums in, this is the one for the mothers who chose not to do their best for their children.

Mine is still hanging on to life at the age of 95, all faculties intact and thriving on bitterness, narcissism and an over inflated sense of entitlement. She was a major influence in al the fuck-uppery me and my siblings have gone through and tomorrow, I shall be happy in the knowledge I cut her out of my life a few years ago.

Here's to coming out the other side and NOT being the person our mothers are.

Cheers!!!

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By *ire_bladeMan over a year ago

Manchester

I hears you tipsy. Thankfully mine popped her nasty little clogs a while back but for all she tried I still made something of myself as I'm sure you have to xxx

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Become who you are despite them rather than because of them x

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By *ire_bladeMan over a year ago

Manchester

"I hears you tipsy. Thankfully mine popped her nasty little clogs a while back but for all she tried I still made something of myself as I'm sure you have to xxx"

Topsy sorry blasted phone

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"I didn't want to hijack the ones with all those lovely mums in, this is the one for the mothers who chose not to do their best for their children.

Here's to coming out the other side and NOT being the person our mothers are.

Cheers!!!"

I've come across some women who are just as you discribe your mother. Such a shame and I guess she blames everyone else

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By *ire_bladeMan over a year ago

Manchester

"Become who you are despite them rather than because of them x"

Well said

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By *ranny-CrumpetWoman over a year ago

The Town by The Cross

"I didn't want to hijack the ones with all those lovely mums in, this is the one for the mothers who chose not to do their best for their children.

Here's to coming out the other side and NOT being the person our mothers are.

Cheers!!!"

You sure about that Topsy.

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By *horltzMan over a year ago

heysham

My son's mother was/is bad to the core , celebrating six ears of no contact tomorrow so I felt it only right to add my two peneth on this thread

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"Become who you are despite them rather than because of them x"

I always believe this

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

I'm a bad mum! My kids are at their dad's for the weekend so I'm spending mothers day lounging in bed..haha I can't wait! !

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By *rightonsteveMan over a year ago

Brighton - even Hove!

I think mine could have been more motherly.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

I'm a bad mother. I have my daughter this weekend but secretly wishing I didn't so I could go to Swindon swingers.

V xx

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By *edheadsruleCouple over a year ago

lancashire

"I'm a bad mum! My kids are at their dad's for the weekend so I'm spending mothers day lounging in bed..haha I can't wait! !"

Doesn't make you a bad mum lol, telling your child they should have been aborted, now that's a bad mum

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By *opsy Rogers OP Woman over a year ago

London

"I didn't want to hijack the ones with all those lovely mums in, this is the one for the mothers who chose not to do their best for their children.

Here's to coming out the other side and NOT being the person our mothers are.

Cheers!!!

You sure about that Topsy. "

That's intrigued me, what do you mean Granny?

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

In my mother's defence, she wasn;t as bad as my dad...

She is a cruel, uncaring, bitter and spiteful woman and I have no guilt that I haven't spoken to her for years.

Needless to say I'm not a fan of mother's day

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"I didn't want to hijack the ones with all those lovely mums in, this is the one for the mothers who chose not to do their best for their children.

Here's to coming out the other side and NOT being the person our mothers are.

Cheers!!!

You sure about that Topsy.

That's intrigued me, what do you mean Granny?"

Perhaps the bitterness that emanates from your post?

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By *opsy Rogers OP Woman over a year ago

London

"I hears you tipsy. Thankfully mine popped her nasty little clogs a while back but for all she tried I still made something of myself as I'm sure you have to xxx

Topsy sorry blasted phone"

I doubt I truely escaped her influence and I know I fucked up a few times with my own children, as do most of us, but mine are in my life and we are very good at not seeing each other through rose timed glasses.

I do understand why some of her behaviours occurred but the shocking way she rejected all of us over and over again in the most horrible ways is something I have never done nor ever will.

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By *icketysplitsWoman over a year ago

Way over Yonder, that's where I'm bound

My mother isn't the one I would have chosen. I certainly wasn't the child she would choose and she made that known.

I still struggle to forgive a couple of things she did as they are the things for which I can't find a reason that makes any sense to me.

Mostly I feel sorry for her so I still visit and make sure she is getting good care. I sit with her and hope she doesn't recognise me. I take her things she will enjoy as living in a care home with dementia is horrible. And I pray that I won't end up any more like her than I am already.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"I didn't want to hijack the ones with all those lovely mums in, this is the one for the mothers who chose not to do their best for their children.

Here's to coming out the other side and NOT being the person our mothers are.

Cheers!!!

You sure about that Topsy.

That's intrigued me, what do you mean Granny?

Perhaps the bitterness that emanates from your post?

Some things are genetic

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By *opsy Rogers OP Woman over a year ago

London

"I didn't want to hijack the ones with all those lovely mums in, this is the one for the mothers who chose not to do their best for their children.

Here's to coming out the other side and NOT being the person our mothers are.

Cheers!!!

You sure about that Topsy.

That's intrigued me, what do you mean Granny?

Perhaps the bitterness that emanates from your post?

Does it really? Cor! I'm sat here smiling at how content I am with my life and my family and how hard I try not to be her.

She is living an angry life and my sibs are unable to detach themselves from her, and they suffer in the process poor buggers.

I'm not bitter, just very sad for her that she lost a daughter and her other children, despite trying hard, can be verbally nasty to her in response to her dreadful behaviour.

One of her grandchildren was not expected to live. When the baby two weeks old, my sib called her crying to tell her and asked her if she could have the two year old for a day or two.

My mum declined.

The baby is now 34 and has little to do with her.

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By *opsy Rogers OP Woman over a year ago

London

"I hears you tipsy. Thankfully mine popped her nasty little clogs a while back but for all she tried I still made something of myself as I'm sure you have to xxx"

Yep, we rock!

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

My mum died when I was 21... She had hepatitis from sharing needles while getting smacked of her face.

She chose drugs over me, then her grandchildren...

Still loved her despite being a shit mum....

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Wow.

I suppose the forum is cheaper than psychoanalysis.

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By *icketysplitsWoman over a year ago

Way over Yonder, that's where I'm bound

"Wow.

I suppose the forum is cheaper than psychoanalysis. "

Only in cash terms.

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By *opsy Rogers OP Woman over a year ago

London

"Wow.

I suppose the forum is cheaper than psychoanalysis. "

It's very, very hard for some to hear about mothers such as ours, mums are supposed to be loving and nurturing creatures and when some fall incredibly short, it can cause cognitive dissonance. Mothers are not supposed to be disliked or disowned, that's sometimes reserved for fathers with no problems at all.

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By *-angel-XWoman over a year ago

hell

"I didn't want to hijack the ones with all those lovely mums in, this is the one for the mothers who chose not to do their best for their children.

Here's to coming out the other side and NOT being the person our mothers are.

Cheers!!!

You sure about that Topsy.

That's intrigued me, what do you mean Granny?

Perhaps the bitterness that emanates from your post?

Some things are genetic "

Maybe some are genetic

And some of us manage to fight that and become the better person

Mrs

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By *icketysplitsWoman over a year ago

Way over Yonder, that's where I'm bound

"Wow.

I suppose the forum is cheaper than psychoanalysis.

The words mothering and fathering have such fundamentally different meanings and connotations for people.

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By *irtyGirlWoman over a year ago

Edinburgh

This thread makes me feel incredibly sad in several different ways.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"Wow.

I suppose the forum is cheaper than psychoanalysis.

I'm sorry, I know a made a cheap remark, but yeah, I never experienced that and I know all too well how how these things can effect people.

I'm very lucky in that way I guess.

Apologies.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"This thread makes me feel incredibly sad in several different ways.

Me too.

I guess I always took it for granted that because I had a lovely mum ( not perfect mind you, but then again who is.... ) that others did too.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

[Removed by poster at 05/03/16 22:42:30]

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By *opsy Rogers OP Woman over a year ago

London

"Wow.

I suppose the forum is cheaper than psychoanalysis.

I'm sorry, I know a made a cheap remark, but yeah, I never experienced that and I know all too well how how these things can effect people.

I'm very lucky in that way I guess.

Apologies.

Thanks Lib

My sister was rescued one Boxing Day by my dad. I was there, I saw her standing in the hallway, freezing, wet, barefoot, in nothing but jeans and a tee-shirt. Clutched to her was her 4 month old son in nothing but a babygro who she had grabbed and ran with to save them both from her partner.

My mother carried on in the kitchen and asked how long she was going to stay as she had things to do.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

I feel sad reading your posts.

Hugs to you all

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By *icketysplitsWoman over a year ago

Way over Yonder, that's where I'm bound

[Removed by poster at 05/03/16 22:46:27]

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

My Mum was a horrible money grabbing d*unk. Lost touch with her for years. Got back in touch with her three years ago and she is very ill.

I do whatever I can for her.

She gave up on me but I'm not giving up on her.

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By *inky-MinxWoman over a year ago

Grantham

You have my sympathies.

My Mum was wonderful but her mum, my Nan, was as you described. And did terrible things to my Mum that I think she never recovered from.

She had such a hold over her that Mum didn't dare not speak to her.

Nan lived to 101 too. Mum went at 69. Only the good die young

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

The woman who gave birth to me is the scum of the earth and thats putting it mildly. Unfortunately still alive

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"Wow.

I suppose the forum is cheaper than psychoanalysis.

I'm sorry, I know a made a cheap remark, but yeah, I never experienced that and I know all too well how how these things can effect people.

I'm very lucky in that way I guess.

Apologies.

Thanks Lib

My mother carried on in the kitchen and asked how long she was going to stay as she had things to do.

What do you think made your mother that way?

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"This thread makes me feel incredibly sad in several different ways.

Me too.

I guess I always took it for granted that because I had a lovely mum ( not perfect mind you, but then again who is.... ) that others did too.

Everyone thought my mother was fantastic. I would get people telling me how lucky I was to have her as a mother. She was the pillar of the church and community.

On this very day 24 years ago she sat at my hospital bedside and told me I was losing my baby because I was sinful and evil.

The different personas one person can have is hard to fathom out. How someone can be held in such high esteem and yet speak to her own daughter in such a way is shameful & very sad x

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By *opsy Rogers OP Woman over a year ago

London

"My Mum was a horrible money grabbing d*unk. Lost touch with her for years. Got back in touch with her three years ago and she is very ill.

I do whatever I can for her.

She gave up on me but I'm not giving up on her.

You have my admiration. I would hate to think my mother is suffering in any way but I can't go back.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"I didn't want to hijack the ones with all those lovely mums in, this is the one for the mothers who chose not to do their best for their children.

Here's to coming out the other side and NOT being the person our mothers are.

Cheers!!!"

Hear hear to that and all the other honest opinions here. I'm who I am in spite of my spiteful, vindictive,jealous and often downright mean spirited mother. The only thing I can truly thank her for is showing me who I wanted to avoid becoming and I've made sure I haven't.

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By *ilacWoman over a year ago

Cheshire

Mine was horrid. She's been out of my life for 17 years.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"You have my sympathies.

My Mum was wonderful but her mum, my Nan, was as you described. And did terrible things to my Mum that I think she never recovered from.

She had such a hold over her that Mum didn't dare not speak to her.

Nan lived to 101 too. Mum went at 69. Only the good die young

That's tough....sometimes there's no justice.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

I haven't spoken with my mum in 5 years now. But had never been close with her growing up, parents split when I was 4 and I went with my dad. When I was 14 I went to live with her and she chose her bf over me, there was an incident and I tried calling the police but she pulled phone line out. I got away ended up living with friends until social services found out. I forgave her as she was my mum and forgave more situations too, one being when I was pregnant. But 5yrs ago was the last straw.

I guess having more negative than positive experiences make you realise what is needed in your life and she wasn't one. My sister was the most supportive when growing up and the one I turn to for support.

I don't expect people to feel bad for me or anyone else, some are just better at parenting. Just not following in the same footsteps for me is all I want

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By *opsy Rogers OP Woman over a year ago

London

"Wow.

I suppose the forum is cheaper than psychoanalysis.

I'm sorry, I know a made a cheap remark, but yeah, I never experienced that and I know all too well how how these things can effect people.

I'm very lucky in that way I guess.

Apologies.

Thanks Lib

My mother carried on in the kitchen and asked how long she was going to stay as she had things to do.

What do you think made your mother that way?"

Loads of things; her mother dying when she was 21, the war, giving her first baby away, marrying my dad whom she grew to despise and having another baby 6 months later. A stillbirth, but they are reasons, not excuses. She's doesn't know we know all that, it's something she hides.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"This thread makes me feel incredibly sad in several different ways.

Me too.

I guess I always took it for granted that because I had a lovely mum ( not perfect mind you, but then again who is.... ) that others did too.

Unfortunately not all of us were blessed with loving nurturing parents.

I feel very sorry for my mum. She had emotionally unavailable parents and as a result wasn't able to parent us. We were clothed and fed and in a way we were loved. However, mum didn't realise that she was also supposed to keep us safe, choosing to stay with a cruel man who would eventually go on to attack my brother while he was asleep in bed, waking him up with a punch in the mouth. The psychological cruelties he subjected us to were far, far worse.

I will see my mum tomorrow because I love her, but she has all my pity and none of my respect.

Nell

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Two crap mothers later;

First left me with a beautiful 16 month old daughter.

Second I fought through the courts and beat for custody of our five year old daughter.

Neither have paid any maintenance.

Neither send cards.

My daughters have tried and failed to have a relationship with them.

Much better off with a guy who thinks he's a mum.

Daughters now nearly 24 and 21.

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By *inky-MinxWoman over a year ago

Grantham

I'm not making excuses but I think some of these women probably had hidden mental conditions that we're recognised at the time.

My best friend, a medical person, said she thought my Nan had Aspergers or something.

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By *opsy Rogers OP Woman over a year ago

London

"I'm not making excuses but I think some of these women probably had hidden mental conditions that we're recognised at the time.

My best friend, a medical person, said she thought my Nan had Aspergers or something."

Oh I whole heartedly agree with you on that one, it doesn't make it easier for the children they permanently hurt though.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Dare I be so bold as to say that despite all your mothers best efforts or perhaps lack of them, it seems the respondents here are at least mentally strong enough to have come through their ordeal and it's made them stronger and steered them in directions that have ensured they don't do the same.

Mental and physical abuse is unforgivable but mental torture is very tough as often no-one else can see the wounds.

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By *inky-MinxWoman over a year ago

Grantham

My Dad was and still is wonderful, so I personally am very lucky.

Mum died 6 months and 1 day before their 50th wedding anniversary.

I think Mother's Day stirs up things that most people don't know about. Which is a good thing really

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By *inky-MinxWoman over a year ago

Grantham

"I'm not making excuses but I think some of these women probably had hidden mental conditions that we're recognised at the time.

My best friend, a medical person, said she thought my Nan had Aspergers or something.

Oh I whole heartedly agree with you on that one, it doesn't make it easier for the children they permanently hurt though. "

Goodness no

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"I'm not making excuses but I think some of these women probably had hidden mental conditions that we're recognised at the time.

My best friend, a medical person, said she thought my Nan had Aspergers or something."

Back in those days,and even mine,little was known about mental health and brain disorders.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"I'm not making excuses but I think some of these women probably had hidden mental conditions that we're recognised at the time.

My best friend, a medical person, said she thought my Nan had Aspergers or something."

Yes my mother has Schizophrenia but not to the extent she didnt know what she was doing.

That was the alcohol and tbh she didnt did give a shit even when sober. Some people arent capable of love x

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

I've been screamed at by my ex husband at being a bad mother over the past few months!! Despite me seeing my kids every single day, having dinner with them, picking the little one up from school, I don't live with them (long story) but yet what I do isn't enough, he ended the marriage and yet trying to make a new relationship work is incredibly hard with him around, constantly giving me times I must be back if I go away for the weekend, making sure I don't spend to much time with ads, it's ridiculous!! How many parents that split actually see their kids every day? Not many, I do and incredibly lucky I still can but its never enough for him, he uses the kids as an emotional tool to hurt me and make me feel worthless a lot of the time.

Yet here's the thing, my sons this weekend have all gone out and spent their own money on gifts for me, my eldest asked me to stay over so I could have breakfast on the sofa, so for me I'm not doing a bad job, that fucker can imply all he likes I'm a bad mum, all my little boy has said today is 'I love you mummy' and 'your the best mummy in the whole wide world' (incidentally I would like to point out my ex husbands house is a tip, his unemployed and has no desire to get a job and spends all his benefit money in the pub and when I'm away for the weekend and I can't be with the kids while he is at the pub, he spends each evening in the pub so my little boy takes himself to bed, yet i work bloody hard, have a nice roof over my head that I take care off and hardly go out because I can't afford too)

Sorry for the rant but I saw the bad mother title and needed to vent!!

G x

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

This is such a very sad post! I'm lucky I have a good mum - and that's purely down to life's lottery! I'd like to think my own kids have a good mum too - though I know I regularly mess up!

I do genuinely believe that some people just shouldn't have children - both men and women - and that the common assumption that a child always belongs with its mother is a ridiculous one! Xx

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

I'm not making excuses but I think some of these women probably had hidden mental conditions that weren't recognised at the time.

There's probably a lot of truth in that and after my mother died it did occur to me that might be a reason.

The problem is she was intelligent and very manipulative and I'm pretty sure she knew exactly what she was doing. She was never happier than when she caused an argument and could step back calmly while others self destructed or got high blood pressure!

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

I was let down massively by my parents a few years ago. When I was at my lowest they turned their backs on me.

I'll admit it has taken me many years and lots of pain as well as some councillors making a pretty penny out of me.

I wouldn't say I've forgiven them as being a parent myself I would never turn my back on my kids. But I have dealt with it enough to be civil.

A card at Xmas, birthdays, Mothers day is all.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"I've been screamed at by my ex husband at being a bad mother over the past few months!! Despite me seeing my kids every single day, having dinner with them, picking the little one up from school, I don't live with them (long story) but yet what I do isn't enough, he ended the marriage and yet trying to make a new relationship work is incredibly hard with him around, constantly giving me times I must be back if I go away for the weekend, making sure I don't spend to much time with ads, it's ridiculous!! How many parents that split actually see their kids every day? Not many, I do and incredibly lucky I still can but its never enough for him, he uses the kids as an emotional tool to hurt me and make me feel worthless a lot of the time.

Sorry for the rant but I saw the bad mother title and needed to vent!!

G x"

It sounds like the kids should be with you then?

Breakups are messy luckily i have no experience but i would say kids are resilient and they make up their own minds xx

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"This is such a very sad post! I'm lucky I have a good mum - and that's purely down to life's lottery! I'd like to think my own kids have a good mum too - though I know I regularly mess up!

I do genuinely believe that some people just shouldn't have children - both men and women - and that the common assumption that a child always belongs with its mother is a ridiculous one! Xx"

To err is human. ..it's knowing you've done something wrong that makes the difference between a good mother and a bad one.

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By *icketysplitsWoman over a year ago

Way over Yonder, that's where I'm bound

"I'm not making excuses but I think some of these women probably had hidden mental conditions that we're recognised at the time.

My best friend, a medical person, said she thought my Nan had Aspergers or something."

I have no doubt my mother was depressed. I know she had an extremely hard life. I know she drew the short straw in her family and as the oldest took all the abuse from her father (whom she adored and continued to idolise long after his death).

Now that she has dementia she doesn't always know who I am. When she does recognise me she goes back to treating me as she did when I was a child and it's not pleasant.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Sorry for the rant but I saw the bad mother title and needed to vent!!

G x

It sounds like the kids should be with you then?

Breakups are messy luckily i have no experience but i would say kids are resilient and they make up their own minds xx"

Unfortunately up to now I haven't had any backbone with him ever, I've always let him get the easy route in life and it was the same with the split but I'm fighting back, right now my job doesn't allow me to have the kids financially, which is why I ensure I am their for them for then most parents in a split family, last summer when I first moved out, I would clean my exes house for him as I couldn't bear to see my kids live in such a state but I am taking a step back from helping him around the home, it isn't my job to do his housework. Especially when he is at home all day (when he's not round his friends house smoking endless fags and trying to get in her knickers), if I did I would just be taking two steps back and he would just take advantage even more than he does now.

I am fighting back though, I'm starting to question him and actually say 'no I'm not doing that' why should I still cower to him after a year and a half split?

If he doesn't get off his bum and start making an effort I will look into custody and see about getting them, it's not a route I want to go down but if I have too I will.

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By *ub_liminalTVTV/TS over a year ago

Belfast

[Removed by poster at 05/03/16 23:24:28]

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By *ub_liminalTVTV/TS over a year ago

Belfast

Not to seem rude by saying this but..as you haven't disclosed enough to form a faire response..

To play devil's advocate..

You're as bad as her if you walk away.

You're bemoaning her negligence as a mother as a justification for your own willful negligence as a daughter.

Sorry hun , my advice.. break the cycle of narcissistic familial behaviours. You cannot condemn someone for behaviour you latently exhibit yourself.

She may have been negligent or lacking in maternal instinct in all likelihood she'll dead soon.. Who will you blame then for your mistakes ?

We all bare accountability for poor choices . you bare none for yours?

Go and see her, speak honestly and with candor.. She has a story too in all likelihood. Make peace and get closure while you can.

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By *ivemeyoursoulWoman over a year ago

Easter just around the corner!

"You have my sympathies.

My Mum was wonderful but her mum, my Nan, was as you described. And did terrible things to my Mum that I think she never recovered from.

She had such a hold over her that Mum didn't dare not speak to her.

Nan lived to 101 too. Mum went at 69. Only the good die young

My mum has alway's said that,her mum who was a very gentle person died young and her dad who could be very nasty and cold survived her by many years. It's hard to hear when mum's are bad people,which is surprising really considering I adopted my children.

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By *-angel-XWoman over a year ago

hell

Sorry for the rant but I saw the bad mother title and needed to vent!!

G x"

So have your kids !!!!!!!!! What is more important if clearly your place is better and u say you are the better parent ... So have them you are their mother !

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Sorry for the rant but I saw the bad mother title and needed to vent!!

G x

So have your kids !!!!!!!!! What is more important if clearly your place is better and u say you are the better parent ... So have them you are their mother !

I live in a room at the moment, I can't afford a flat or anything but it's a work in progress xx

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By *-angel-XWoman over a year ago

hell

Sorry for the rant but I saw the bad mother title and needed to vent!!

G x

So have your kids !!!!!!!!! What is more important if clearly your place is better and u say you are the better parent ... So have them you are their mother !

I live in a room at the moment, I can't afford a flat or anything but it's a work in progress xx"

Take them to a hostel they will be with you then and council will house you

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *opsy Rogers OP Woman over a year ago

London

"Not to seem rude by saying this but..as you haven't disclosed enough to form a faire response..

To play devil's advocate..

You're as bad as her if you walk away.

You're bemoaning her negligence as a mother as a justification for your own willful negligence as a daughter.

Sorry hun , my advice.. break the cycle of narcissistic familial behaviours. You cannot condemn someone for behaviour you latently exhibit yourself.

She may have been negligent or lacking in maternal instinct in all likelihood she'll dead soon.. Who will you blame then for your mistakes ?

We all bare accountability for poor choices . you bare none for yours?

Go and see her, speak honestly and with candor.. She has a story too in all likelihood. Make peace and get closure while you can."

Well, that's an interesting read but as you said at the start, you don't know the whole story.

Just so you know, self preservation in order to protect my family is not narcissism.

What poor choices have I made?

I've had a right old chuckle at your last bit of advice, if only you could hear what happened with those conversations and letters, you'd laugh with me

Maybe, just maybe, you are projecting?

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"Not to seem rude by saying this but..as you haven't disclosed enough to form a faire response..

To play devil's advocate..

You're as bad as her if you walk away.

You're bemoaning her negligence as a mother as a justification for your own willful negligence as a daughter.

Sorry hun , my advice.. break the cycle of narcissistic familial behaviours. You cannot condemn someone for behaviour you latently exhibit yourself.

She may have been negligent or lacking in maternal instinct in all likelihood she'll dead soon.. Who will you blame then for your mistakes ?

We all bare accountability for poor choices . you bare none for yours?

Go and see her, speak honestly and with candor.. She has a story too in all likelihood. Make peace and get closure while you can."

I can see your coming at this from the best angle but some people dont deserve you to be the bigger person. Maybe maybe not but if the next time i see my mother is in her grave it will be too soon x

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Sorry for the rant but I saw the bad mother title and needed to vent!!

G x

So have your kids !!!!!!!!! What is more important if clearly your place is better and u say you are the better parent ... So have them you are their mother !

I live in a room at the moment, I can't afford a flat or anything but it's a work in progress xx

Take them to a hostel they will be with you then and council will house you

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *ormalguy71Man over a year ago

Tunbridge Wells

WOW never thought I would see a post like this but it is brilliant.

My mother left me and 3 others kids when I was 10, now 45. She was having an affair with the bloke up the road.

Ok my father was abusive to her, but to leave 4 kids in that situation I can not ever get my head around. Plus the fact that within 2 years she had another daughter.

I had no interaction, nor did my siblings until I was 30, but there was just nothing there, so yup a waste of a mother in my opinion

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By *ub_liminalTVTV/TS over a year ago

Belfast

[Removed by poster at 05/03/16 23:40:19]

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *ub_liminalTVTV/TS over a year ago

Belfast

"Not to seem rude by saying this but..as you haven't disclosed enough to form a faire response..

To play devil's advocate..

You're as bad as her if you walk away.

You're bemoaning her negligence as a mother as a justification for your own willful negligence as a daughter.

Sorry hun , my advice.. break the cycle of narcissistic familial behaviours. You cannot condemn someone for behaviour you latently exhibit yourself.

She may have been negligent or lacking in maternal instinct in all likelihood she'll dead soon.. Who will you blame then for your mistakes ?

We all bare accountability for poor choices . you bare none for yours?

Go and see her, speak honestly and with candor.. She has a story too in all likelihood. Make peace and get closure while you can.

Well, that's an interesting read but as you said at the start, you don't know the whole story.

Just so you know, self preservation in order to protect my family is not narcissism.

What poor choices have I made?

I've had a right old chuckle at your last bit of advice, if only you could hear what happened with those conversations and letters, you'd laugh with me

Maybe, just maybe, you are projecting?"

As I said, I don't know the finite specifics . no, not projection. Just an alternative perspective.

You're mother may be prickly, self involved and belligerent for a reason. People do not pop out of the womb that way, life experiences mould people to become what they are, largely. once she's gone, she's gone.

You don't have to forgive , meeting her in a non combative manner and getting insight may give you understanding and closure. Why deny yourself that opportunity while you have it?

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"WOW never thought I would see a post like this but it is brilliant.

My mother left me and 3 others kids when I was 10, now 45. She was having an affair with the bloke up the road.

Ok my father was abusive to her, but to leave 4 kids in that situation I can not ever get my head around. Plus the fact that within 2 years she had another daughter.

I had no interaction, nor did my siblings until I was 30, but there was just nothing there, so yup a waste of a mother in my opinion"

You won't understand because you haven't had an abusive husband.

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *icecouple561Couple over a year ago
Forum Mod

East Sussex

"Not to seem rude by saying this but..as you haven't disclosed enough to form a faire response..

To play devil's advocate..

You're as bad as her if you walk away.

You're bemoaning her negligence as a mother as a justification for your own willful negligence as a daughter.

Sorry hun , my advice.. break the cycle of narcissistic familial behaviours. You cannot condemn someone for behaviour you latently exhibit yourself.

She may have been negligent or lacking in maternal instinct in all likelihood she'll dead soon.. Who will you blame then for your mistakes ?

We all bare accountability for poor choices . you bare none for yours?

Go and see her, speak honestly and with candor.. She has a story too in all likelihood. Make peace and get closure while you can.

Well, that's an interesting read but as you said at the start, you don't know the whole story.

Just so you know, self preservation in order to protect my family is not narcissism.

What poor choices have I made?

I've had a right old chuckle at your last bit of advice, if only you could hear what happened with those conversations and letters, you'd laugh with me

Maybe, just maybe, you are projecting?

As I said, I don't know the finite specifics . no, not projection. Just an alternative perspective.

You don't have to forgive , meeting her in a non combative manner and getting insight may give you understanding and closure. Why deny yourself that opportunity while you have it?

You assume that the mother in the situation would cooperate and that is rarely the case.

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"Not to seem rude by saying this but..as you haven't disclosed enough to form a faire response.."

She doesn't need to disclose anything to have her own feelings. Nobody needs to justify or validate their own feelings.

"To play devil's advocate..

You're as bad as her if you walk away.

You're bemoaning her negligence as a mother as a justification for your own willful negligence as a daughter."

Sometimes walking away, going no contact, is the only way to protect yourself from further abuse and heal.

Abusers do not care how the people they abuse feel, they don't miraculuously stop abusing people...and if they are capable of being helped then they have to go do that for themselves coz no-one can force them to sort themselves out.

"Sorry hun , my advice.. break the cycle of narcissistic familial behaviours. You cannot condemn someone for behaviour you latently exhibit yourself.

She may have been negligent or lacking in maternal instinct in all likelihood she'll dead soon.. Who will you blame then for your mistakes ?

We all bare accountability for poor choices . you bare none for yours?

Go and see her, speak honestly and with candor.. She has a story too in all likelihood. Make peace and get closure while you can."

No contact, accepting you'll never get an apology because the other person doesn't care about you or how you feel is closure.

Don't think that people need their families, blood means nothing to some people and if that's how your own family feel about you - that you're nothing - then they have every right to walk away, every right to blame them for how they feel too.

Unless you understand abuse then don't even try to help anyone. And even then you just listen and acknowledge that they've been abused and it's ok, not their fault., and they can deal with it in a way that helps them. The abuser is nothing, a non-entity, and often deserves not to be.

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *opsy Rogers OP Woman over a year ago

London

"Not to seem rude by saying this but..as you haven't disclosed enough to form a faire response..

To play devil's advocate..

You're as bad as her if you walk away.

You're bemoaning her negligence as a mother as a justification for your own willful negligence as a daughter.

Sorry hun , my advice.. break the cycle of narcissistic familial behaviours. You cannot condemn someone for behaviour you latently exhibit yourself.

She may have been negligent or lacking in maternal instinct in all likelihood she'll dead soon.. Who will you blame then for your mistakes ?

We all bare accountability for poor choices . you bare none for yours?

Go and see her, speak honestly and with candor.. She has a story too in all likelihood. Make peace and get closure while you can.

Well, that's an interesting read but as you said at the start, you don't know the whole story.

Just so you know, self preservation in order to protect my family is not narcissism.

What poor choices have I made?

I've had a right old chuckle at your last bit of advice, if only you could hear what happened with those conversations and letters, you'd laugh with me

Maybe, just maybe, you are projecting?

As I said, I don't know the finite specifics . no, not projection. Just an alternative perspective.

You don't have to forgive , meeting her in a non combative manner and getting insight may give you understanding and closure. Why deny yourself that opportunity while you have it?

You assume that the mother in the situation would cooperate and that is rarely the case."

It's ok, he hasn't read all the thread and what I've written and he's done a massive amount of assuming without any thinking. He's even called my mother names!

Hey ho, I know the truth and that's good enough for my family.

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *anillanomoreCouple over a year ago

Chichester

[Removed by poster at 05/03/16 23:47:46]

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *ub_liminalTVTV/TS over a year ago

Belfast

"Not to seem rude by saying this but..as you haven't disclosed enough to form a faire response..

To play devil's advocate..

You're as bad as her if you walk away.

You're bemoaning her negligence as a mother as a justification for your own willful negligence as a daughter.

Sorry hun , my advice.. break the cycle of narcissistic familial behaviours. You cannot condemn someone for behaviour you latently exhibit yourself.

She may have been negligent or lacking in maternal instinct in all likelihood she'll dead soon.. Who will you blame then for your mistakes ?

We all bare accountability for poor choices . you bare none for yours?

Go and see her, speak honestly and with candor.. She has a story too in all likelihood. Make peace and get closure while you can.

Well, that's an interesting read but as you said at the start, you don't know the whole story.

Just so you know, self preservation in order to protect my family is not narcissism.

What poor choices have I made?

I've had a right old chuckle at your last bit of advice, if only you could hear what happened with those conversations and letters, you'd laugh with me

Maybe, just maybe, you are projecting?

As I said, I don't know the finite specifics . no, not projection. Just an alternative perspective.

You don't have to forgive , meeting her in a non combative manner and getting insight may give you understanding and closure. Why deny yourself that opportunity while you have it?

You assume that the mother in the situation would cooperate and that is rarely the case."

I don't know the specifics as stated above, perhaps she's garded and belligerent as a defense mechanism..

I worked briefly in a family mediation centre and it really is heart breaking when persons present with these types of issues , grief and resentment , wishing they'd confronted the parent beforehand and not necessarily forgiven but gotten some answers and peace.

If there's a possibility of that, advise you take it. Atleast you can concede you've tried everything in the event of their passing.

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *ormalguy71Man over a year ago

Tunbridge Wells

"WOW never thought I would see a post like this but it is brilliant.

My mother left me and 3 others kids when I was 10, now 45. She was having an affair with the bloke up the road.

Ok my father was abusive to her, but to leave 4 kids in that situation I can not ever get my head around. Plus the fact that within 2 years she had another daughter.

I had no interaction, nor did my siblings until I was 30, but there was just nothing there, so yup a waste of a mother in my opinion

You won't understand because you haven't had an abusive husband. "

That's a fair comment, but I have had a child, and if I ever thought my child would be left in danger I would have moved heaven and earth to get that child back to me

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *opsy Rogers OP Woman over a year ago

London

"Not to seem rude by saying this but..as you haven't disclosed enough to form a faire response..

She doesn't need to disclose anything to have her own feelings. Nobody needs to justify or validate their own feelings.

To play devil's advocate..

You're as bad as her if you walk away.

You're bemoaning her negligence as a mother as a justification for your own willful negligence as a daughter.

Sometimes walking away, going no contact, is the only way to protect yourself from further abuse and heal.

Sorry hun , my advice.. break the cycle of narcissistic familial behaviours. You cannot condemn someone for behaviour you latently exhibit yourself.

She may have been negligent or lacking in maternal instinct in all likelihood she'll dead soon.. Who will you blame then for your mistakes ?

We all bare accountability for poor choices . you bare none for yours?

Go and see her, speak honestly and with candor.. She has a story too in all likelihood. Make peace and get closure while you can.

No contact, accepting you'll never get an apology because the other person doesn't care about you or how you feel is closure.

You nailed it!

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"WOW never thought I would see a post like this but it is brilliant.

My mother left me and 3 others kids when I was 10, now 45. She was having an affair with the bloke up the road.

Ok my father was abusive to her, but to leave 4 kids in that situation I can not ever get my head around. Plus the fact that within 2 years she had another daughter.

I had no interaction, nor did my siblings until I was 30, but there was just nothing there, so yup a waste of a mother in my opinion

You won't understand because you haven't had an abusive husband.

That's a fair comment, but I have had a child, and if I ever thought my child would be left in danger I would have moved heaven and earth to get that child back to me"

Abuse can make you mentally ill. Was he abusive towards you too? I took my children and left but not everyone can. Sometimes people just run

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *opsy Rogers OP Woman over a year ago

London

"Not to seem rude by saying this but..as you haven't disclosed enough to form a faire response..

To play devil's advocate..

You're as bad as her if you walk away.

You're bemoaning her negligence as a mother as a justification for your own willful negligence as a daughter.

Sorry hun , my advice.. break the cycle of narcissistic familial behaviours. You cannot condemn someone for behaviour you latently exhibit yourself.

She may have been negligent or lacking in maternal instinct in all likelihood she'll dead soon.. Who will you blame then for your mistakes ?

We all bare accountability for poor choices . you bare none for yours?

Go and see her, speak honestly and with candor.. She has a story too in all likelihood. Make peace and get closure while you can.

Well, that's an interesting read but as you said at the start, you don't know the whole story.

Just so you know, self preservation in order to protect my family is not narcissism.

What poor choices have I made?

I've had a right old chuckle at your last bit of advice, if only you could hear what happened with those conversations and letters, you'd laugh with me

Maybe, just maybe, you are projecting?

As I said, I don't know the finite specifics . no, not projection. Just an alternative perspective.

You don't have to forgive , meeting her in a non combative manner and getting insight may give you understanding and closure. Why deny yourself that opportunity while you have it?

You assume that the mother in the situation would cooperate and that is rarely the case.

I don't know the specifics as stated above, perhaps she's garded and belligerent as a defense mechanism..

If there's a possibility of that, advise you take it. Atleast you can concede you've tried everything in the event of their passing."

You assume so much and all of it is wrong. Please don't project your feelings and experiences on something you don't know about.

When she dies, grief and resentment will be totally absent. I will be heartbroken for my sibs who can't detach themselves from the shit and will suffer terribly.

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *enny79TV/TS over a year ago

chesterfield

The best thing my biological mum did was give me up for adoption the first time I met her she didn't know when my birthday was the second time she told me if I had been a girl she would have kept me owch that hurt and when I told her about my dressing up she nearly passed out lol

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"Not to seem rude by saying this but..as you haven't disclosed enough to form a faire response..

She doesn't need to disclose anything to have her own feelings. Nobody needs to justify or validate their own feelings.

To play devil's advocate..

You're as bad as her if you walk away.

You're bemoaning her negligence as a mother as a justification for your own willful negligence as a daughter.

Sometimes walking away, going no contact, is the only way to protect yourself from further abuse and heal.

Sorry hun , my advice.. break the cycle of narcissistic familial behaviours. You cannot condemn someone for behaviour you latently exhibit yourself.

She may have been negligent or lacking in maternal instinct in all likelihood she'll dead soon.. Who will you blame then for your mistakes ?

We all bare accountability for poor choices . you bare none for yours?

Go and see her, speak honestly and with candor.. She has a story too in all likelihood. Make peace and get closure while you can.

No contact, accepting you'll never get an apology because the other person doesn't care about you or how you feel is closure.

You nailed it!"

I didn't really want to comment, dealt with my shit ages ago, and was just reading but i do know sometimes people 'helping' can make stuff worse.

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *ugby 123Couple over a year ago
Forum Mod

O o O oo

This is a very sad read

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By *ormalguy71Man over a year ago

Tunbridge Wells

"WOW never thought I would see a post like this but it is brilliant.

My mother left me and 3 others kids when I was 10, now 45. She was having an affair with the bloke up the road.

Ok my father was abusive to her, but to leave 4 kids in that situation I can not ever get my head around. Plus the fact that within 2 years she had another daughter.

I had no interaction, nor did my siblings until I was 30, but there was just nothing there, so yup a waste of a mother in my opinion

You won't understand because you haven't had an abusive husband.

That's a fair comment, but I have had a child, and if I ever thought my child would be left in danger I would have moved heaven and earth to get that child back to me

Abuse can make you mentally ill. Was he abusive towards you too? I took my children and left but not everyone can. Sometimes people just run"

I suppose in her defence no he was not abusive to the kids when she was there, but that changed when she left, he was extremely abusive to me and my brother

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By *ire_bladeMan over a year ago

Manchester

Well if nothing else this threads given me a chuckle. So many amateur psychology buffs. Wonder what you'd all do in the real world living this rather than reading your books. God your so funny

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

My mother and I haven't spoken since I was 17 and never will again. However, it's very important that HER mother dies soon as I am skint and in her will.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

I've not read all posts. It is shit when you don't have a good relationship with your mum. Mine was always challenging to say the least but this my 1st mothers day without her & honestly I miss her so much I'd kill people to hear her voice again...

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Sorry for the rant but I saw the bad mother title and needed to vent!!

G x

So have your kids !!!!!!!!! What is more important if clearly your place is better and u say you are the better parent ... So have them you are their mother !

I live in a room at the moment, I can't afford a flat or anything but it's a work in progress xx"

If you had custody of your children, unless you're on a very high salary you can claim housing benefit (if you're in rented accommodation), help towards childcare costs, family tax credit and child benefit! Xx

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Some people shouldn't procreate. And other people shouldn't have children with them. My mother was not capable of loving a child and I blame my father just as much for getting her pregnant when he knew she was too fucked up to be a proper mother. There's stuff on this thread about people's partners who are bad parents - maybe you shouldn't have got pregnant by them or got them pregnant if they were such terrible people. It always takes two.

My boyfriend's mother is wonderful and we'll both be spending the day with her so I don't feel I'm missing out.

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *opsy Rogers OP Woman over a year ago

London

"Not to seem rude by saying this but..as you haven't disclosed enough to form a faire response..

She doesn't need to disclose anything to have her own feelings.

Sometimes walking away, going no contact, is the only way to protect yourself from further abuse and heal.

Sorry hun , my advice.. break the cycle of narcissistic familial behaviours. You cannot condemn someone for behaviour you latently exhibit yourself.

She may have been negligent or lacking in maternal instinct in all likelihood she'll dead soon.. Who will you blame then for your mistakes ?

We all bare accountability for poor choices . you bare none for yours?

Go and see her, speak honestly and with candor.. She has a story too in all likelihood. Make peace and get closure while you can.

No contact, accepting you'll never get an apology because the other person doesn't care about you or how you feel is closure.

You nailed it!

I didn't really want to comment, dealt with my shit ages ago, and was just reading but i do know sometimes people 'helping' can make stuff worse."

Was it an epiphany? The fact that mothers don't have to be included in your life just because they gave birth to you?

I floated on a cloud of sheer joy for months when my dad died; it meant I never had to see her again apart from at his funeral and even then she made it all about what she wanted, completely ignoring his requests.

How long did it take you to break free!

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *ub_liminalTVTV/TS over a year ago

Belfast

"Not to seem rude by saying this but..as you haven't disclosed enough to form a faire response..

To play devil's advocate..

You're as bad as her if you walk away.

You're bemoaning her negligence as a mother as a justification for your own willful negligence as a daughter.

Sorry hun , my advice.. break the cycle of narcissistic familial behaviours. You cannot condemn someone for behaviour you latently exhibit yourself.

She may have been negligent or lacking in maternal instinct in all likelihood she'll dead soon.. Who will you blame then for your mistakes ?

We all bare accountability for poor choices . you bare none for yours?

Go and see her, speak honestly and with candor.. She has a story too in all likelihood. Make peace and get closure while you can.

Well, that's an interesting read but as you said at the start, you don't know the whole story.

Just so you know, self preservation in order to protect my family is not narcissism.

What poor choices have I made?

I've had a right old chuckle at your last bit of advice, if only you could hear what happened with those conversations and letters, you'd laugh with me

Maybe, just maybe, you are projecting?

As I said, I don't know the finite specifics . no, not projection. Just an alternative perspective.

You don't have to forgive , meeting her in a non combative manner and getting insight may give you understanding and closure. Why deny yourself that opportunity while you have it?

You assume that the mother in the situation would cooperate and that is rarely the case.

I don't know the specifics as stated above, perhaps she's garded and belligerent as a defense mechanism..

If there's a possibility of that, advise you take it. Atleast you can concede you've tried everything in the event of their passing.

You assume so much and all of it is wrong. Please don't project your feelings and experiences on something you don't know about.

When she dies, grief and resentment will be totally absent. I will be heartbroken for my sibs who can't detach themselves from the shit and will suffer terribly."

I'm merely giving you an alternate perspective. I'm not projecting. You're opening post critiqued her for being "narcissistic" and unfit .. Or something like that, in the next breath you said you'd walled away and more or less cursed her longevity / life span .

That just seemed contradictory .

I do not know the specifics of your situation as you haven't disclosed them.

People have different values , they do the best with the ones that are instilled within them I guess. If you've genuinely tried to mend fences and heal old wounds to no avail, fair play.

Just playing devil's advocate . really.

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *opsy Rogers OP Woman over a year ago

London

"Not to seem rude by saying this but..as you haven't disclosed enough to form a faire response..

To play devil's advocate..

You're as bad as her if you walk away.

You're bemoaning her negligence as a mother as a justification for your own willful negligence as a daughter.

Sorry hun , my advice.. break the cycle of narcissistic familial behaviours. You cannot condemn someone for behaviour you latently exhibit yourself.

She may have been negligent or lacking in maternal instinct in all likelihood she'll dead soon.. Who will you blame then for your mistakes ?

We all bare accountability for poor choices . you bare none for yours?

Go and see her, speak honestly and with candor.. She has a story too in all likelihood. Make peace and get closure while you can.

Well, that's an interesting read but as you said at the start, you don't know the whole story.

Just so you know, self preservation in order to protect my family is not narcissism.

What poor choices have I made?

I've had a right old chuckle at your last bit of advice, if only you could hear what happened with those conversations and letters, you'd laugh with me

Maybe, just maybe, you are projecting?

As I said, I don't know the finite specifics . no, not projection. Just an alternative perspective.

You don't have to forgive , meeting her in a non combative manner and getting insight may give you understanding and closure. Why deny yourself that opportunity while you have it?

You assume that the mother in the situation would cooperate and that is rarely the case.

I don't know the specifics as stated above, perhaps she's garded and belligerent as a defense mechanism..

If there's a possibility of that, advise you take it. Atleast you can concede you've tried everything in the event of their passing.

You assume so much and all of it is wrong. Please don't project your feelings and experiences on something you don't know about.

When she dies, grief and resentment will be totally absent. I will be heartbroken for my sibs who can't detach themselves from the shit and will suffer terribly.

That just seemed contradictory .

I do not know the specifics of your situation as you haven't disclosed them.

People have different values , they do the best with the ones that are instilled within them I guess. If you've genuinely tried to mend fences and heal old wounds to no avail, fair play.

Just playing devil's advocate . really.

Really, you were ignoring what was written to suit your own agenda. You assumed I am going to suffer after she dies and that I hadn't tried to build bridges and you advised me to do so because I would regret it.

My description of her in my original post is what she is, not what I think she is. Whist we were wearing the same unwashed underwear for a week, she was moaning that the fur she'd nagged my dad for was only fox and not what she'd demanded! He used to sneakily sleep on the floor of his office during the week because he couldn't afford to commute.

Do you know that she has never touched me in affection? She's sounds dreadful, doesn't she but in real life she's a tiny sweet little thing who boasts about all her children and their achievements, none of which she had anything to do with.

Why do you think I should make amends with someone who rejected me? Is it because your own parental relationship is flawed and needs mending?

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *ub_liminalTVTV/TS over a year ago

Belfast

"Not to seem rude by saying this but..as you haven't disclosed enough to form a faire response..

To play devil's advocate..

You're as bad as her if you walk away.

You're bemoaning her negligence as a mother as a justification for your own willful negligence as a daughter.

Sorry hun , my advice.. break the cycle of narcissistic familial behaviours. You cannot condemn someone for behaviour you latently exhibit yourself.

She may have been negligent or lacking in maternal instinct in all likelihood she'll dead soon.. Who will you blame then for your mistakes ?

We all bare accountability for poor choices . you bare none for yours?

Go and see her, speak honestly and with candor.. She has a story too in all likelihood. Make peace and get closure while you can.

Well, that's an interesting read but as you said at the start, you don't know the whole story.

Just so you know, self preservation in order to protect my family is not narcissism.

What poor choices have I made?

I've had a right old chuckle at your last bit of advice, if only you could hear what happened with those conversations and letters, you'd laugh with me

Maybe, just maybe, you are projecting?

As I said, I don't know the finite specifics . no, not projection. Just an alternative perspective.

You don't have to forgive , meeting her in a non combative manner and getting insight may give you understanding and closure. Why deny yourself that opportunity while you have it?

You assume that the mother in the situation would cooperate and that is rarely the case.

I don't know the specifics as stated above, perhaps she's garded and belligerent as a defense mechanism..

If there's a possibility of that, advise you take it. Atleast you can concede you've tried everything in the event of their passing.

You assume so much and all of it is wrong. Please don't project your feelings and experiences on something you don't know about.

When she dies, grief and resentment will be totally absent. I will be heartbroken for my sibs who can't detach themselves from the shit and will suffer terribly.

That just seemed contradictory .

I do not know the specifics of your situation as you haven't disclosed them.

People have different values , they do the best with the ones that are instilled within them I guess. If you've genuinely tried to mend fences and heal old wounds to no avail, fair play.

Just playing devil's advocate . really.

Why do you think I should make amends with someone who rejected me? Is it because your own parental relationship is flawed and needs mending?"

I'm not suggesting you make amends. She could've been suffering from a mental illness or personality disorder. I'm suggesting you get insight and closure. Her poor parenting and lack of maternal love still weighs on you. Closure doesn't have to be selfless.. It can be very selfish and cathartic.

Sounds like she had delusions of grandeur and inability to empathise and meet her children's emotional needs. That suggests narcissistic personality disorder.

Although it doesn't excuse her shabby treatment of you and your siblings it atleast explains it and would suggest the neglect was not malicious but a symptom of underlying disorder and the accompanying limitations associated.

A mother's natural instinct is to love and protect her offspring, something shaped her behaviour , doesn't excuse it but at least it would explain. Good luck whatever you choose to do.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

I was proud to call her my mum until recent years due to addiction she's become controlling, selfish and such a negative person to be around.. I probably whinge a lot but wow can that woman complain.

It's sad really, I do miss the lady that was once my best friend

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By *opsy Rogers OP Woman over a year ago

London

"Not to seem rude by saying this but..as you haven't disclosed enough to form a faire response..

To play devil's advocate..

You're as bad as her if you walk away.

You're bemoaning her negligence as a mother as a justification for your own willful negligence as a daughter.

Sorry hun , my advice.. break the cycle of narcissistic familial behaviours. You cannot condemn someone for behaviour you latently exhibit yourself.

She may have been negligent or lacking in maternal instinct in all likelihood she'll dead soon.. Who will you blame then for your mistakes ?

We all bare accountability for poor choices . you bare none for yours?

Go and see her, speak honestly and with candor.. She has a story too in all likelihood. Make peace and get closure while you can.

Well, that's an interesting read but as you said at the start, you don't know the whole story.

Just so you know, self preservation in order to protect my family is not narcissism.

What poor choices have I made?

I've had a right old chuckle at your last bit of advice, if only you could hear what happened with those conversations and letters, you'd laugh with me

Maybe, just maybe, you are projecting?

As I said, I don't know the finite specifics . no, not projection. Just an alternative perspective.

You don't have to forgive , meeting her in a non combative manner and getting insight may give you understanding and closure. Why deny yourself that opportunity while you have it?

You assume that the mother in the situation would cooperate and that is rarely the case.

I don't know the specifics as stated above, perhaps she's garded and belligerent as a defense mechanism..

If there's a possibility of that, advise you take it. Atleast you can concede you've tried everything in the event of their passing.

You assume so much and all of it is wrong. Please don't project your feelings and experiences on something you don't know about.

When she dies, grief and resentment will be totally absent. I will be heartbroken for my sibs who can't detach themselves from the shit and will suffer terribly.

That just seemed contradictory .

I do not know the specifics of your situation as you haven't disclosed them.

People have different values , they do the best with the ones that are instilled within them I guess. If you've genuinely tried to mend fences and heal old wounds to no avail, fair play.

Just playing devil's advocate . really.

Why do you think I should make amends with someone who rejected me? Is it because your own parental relationship is flawed and needs mending?

Sounds like she had delusions of grandeur and inability to empathise and meet her children's emotional needs. That suggests narcissistic personality disorder.

A mother's natural instinct is to love and protect her offspring, something shaped her behaviour , doesn't excuse it but at least it would explain. Good luck whatever you choose to do.

Oh dear, you really should read at least something! All that you have said has been covered in the thread quite a few times and had you read it, you'd know that my decisions have already been taken and your advice is moot.

Shabby treatment eh. My sisters are going to have a right laugh about this, I shall tell them that what we experience is shabby. Not neglect or emotional abuse, it was just a bit shabby.

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By *opsy Rogers OP Woman over a year ago

London

"I was proud to call her my mum until recent years due to addiction she's become controlling, selfish and such a negative person to be around.. I probably whinge a lot but wow can that woman complain.

It's sad really, I do miss the lady that was once my best friend

That's sadder than anything I've gone through, I'm so, so sorry. To have your mum taken away by addiction is dreadful, I hope you find some peace.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"Was it an epiphany? The fact that mothers don't have to be included in your life just because they gave birth to you?

How long did it take you to break free!"

Was a long process if i'm honest, and it's complicated but i can simplify it. I was about 13 when i first knew my family was wrong but i was actually 28 when everything fell into place and i started looking after and truly loving myself.

My mum was badly abused herself by her dad, i do acknowledge this and that she has dissociation and some type of PTSD from it and doesn't know that she deserves better than being abused, and that she tried her best for us despite being with an abusive husband (my dad, who she's still with now), her best wasn't great and was a bad example because she showed us it was ok to be abused but i honestly believe she isn't a bad person or a stupid one and i still respect her - just respect myself more. She actually did what i've done and went no contact with her own dad (her mum died from her own dads abuse when she was young), so that was a good example i guess. I rebelled against my parents when i was a teen because of my mums poor mental health and my dads personality disorder but this was before i had the above knowledge, and i have forgiven and understand my mum completely since. Not forgiven my dad and wanted an apology off him for a long time, but she's still with him so i don't bother with either of them.

I think it mainly started when i had my own kids. I really loved my first son when he was born, and that grew over time, and i often wondered how anyone could treat their own kids like shit, neglect them emotionally, or physically hurt them. It didn't seem right and this was the first time i realised that parents can, and do, love their kids AND can show it.

I had a few more kids as well, i were never allowed them to be with my parents on their own because of my dad. My parents also neglected them and one day my oldest asked me why did grandma bother with my sisters kids and not him. I'm actually more protective of my kids than myself, and seeing as every kid wants their parents to love them and to feel loved like i had for a long time, when my son asked me that i just imagined him feeling like he wanted their love just like i did and how much that hurt me, and i didn't want him to feel that way so said to him it was because of me and they don't like me and have always been that way.

Then i decided i wasn't going to let my kids see their mum (me) bother with them any more or make any effort when this wasn't being returned and it was hurting me and now my oldest kid.

I also didn't want my kids thinking they had to make all the effort to be loved, i've been in shit relationships because of it and got with abusive partners because of it but when i had my own kids i started to grow up emotionally and a lot fell into place in my head then and i did start standing up for myself.

I realised it didn't matter if people didn't love you and society had it so wrong about a childs responsibility to their parents.

Once you just realise that you matter you just improve yourself and get rid of everyone who makes you feel like you don't matter. That's how it worked for me. And hurting people that i loved more than myself, that gave me the push i needed too.

I also have poor memory, dissociate from my own feelings quite easily too, and can think rationally/logically about things that should be emotional, this helps a lot as well.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

I can honestly and thankfully say i do not know how any of you ladies and a few guys feel or understand what you have went through. I hope and think that what you all went through made each and everyone of you stronger and better people. What we all experience and live through can only help us in the long run and make us all better at being a person/parent. It is sad though, that i have not heard the one statement that should have been repeated in this thread. Happy Mothers Day to all the moms who posted on here or are reading this. I hope that you all can learn from your past to better your future. Once again, Happy Mothers Day

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Wow might I just add personality disorder is one of the hardest mental health issues to diagnose, the fact that you've even implied this could be the case is slightly worrying. Tbh it sounds to me like theirs a little narcissism in your posting -_-

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Ohhhh my good lord!! I often pop into the lounge or uk forums to have a little nosey,, as us Irish do,,,, I am very shocked at this forum post,, in more ways than one,,,,, I think ppl have forgotten this is a swing site,, mutual pleasure,, sex,, fun site,,and sometimes friendships are formed , not anything else,,,,, not only are you's letting fellow fabbers from all over the globe know about your personnel lives without meeting,, ie parents and how good/bad a parent you are but your also coming across as someone who has major issues and probably won't get a meet after this,,,, why come on a sex site and slate yours parents,, in this case your mother?? Shouldn't some things in your : personnel life not be discussed with someone your meeting for FUN let alone on a forum post,, some people have issues it's clear to see from this post,, I don't think the forums on a swing site is the way to go about it,, any councillors on fab??? ,, you might get some business aswell as the fun that this site is supposed to be for

Happy Mother's Day to all,, including myself as a mam of 3,, and to my own mam who is spending her 2nd mammys day away from home xx

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *opsy Rogers OP Woman over a year ago

London

"Was it an epiphany? The fact that mothers don't have to be included in your life just because they gave birth to you?

How long did it take you to break free!

Then i decided i wasn't going to let my kids see their mum (me) bother with them any more or make any effort when this wasn't being returned and it was hurting me and now my oldest kid.

I realised it didn't matter if people didn't love you and society had it so wrong about a childs responsibility to their parents.

I also have poor memory, dissociate from my own feelings quite easily too, and can think rationally/logically about things that should be emotional, this helps a lot as well."

We walked the same path

isn't it fukcing amazing that from such adversity comes so much love.

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *ub_liminalTVTV/TS over a year ago

Belfast

"Not to seem rude by saying this but..as you haven't disclosed enough to form a faire response..

To play devil's advocate..

You're as bad as her if you walk away.

You're bemoaning her negligence as a mother as a justification for your own willful negligence as a daughter.

Sorry hun , my advice.. break the cycle of narcissistic familial behaviours. You cannot condemn someone for behaviour you latently exhibit yourself.

She may have been negligent or lacking in maternal instinct in all likelihood she'll dead soon.. Who will you blame then for your mistakes ?

We all bare accountability for poor choices . you bare none for yours?

Go and see her, speak honestly and with candor.. She has a story too in all likelihood. Make peace and get closure while you can.

Well, that's an interesting read but as you said at the start, you don't know the whole story.

Just so you know, self preservation in order to protect my family is not narcissism.

What poor choices have I made?

I've had a right old chuckle at your last bit of advice, if only you could hear what happened with those conversations and letters, you'd laugh with me

Maybe, just maybe, you are projecting?

As I said, I don't know the finite specifics . no, not projection. Just an alternative perspective.

You don't have to forgive , meeting her in a non combative manner and getting insight may give you understanding and closure. Why deny yourself that opportunity while you have it?

You assume that the mother in the situation would cooperate and that is rarely the case.

I don't know the specifics as stated above, perhaps she's garded and belligerent as a defense mechanism..

If there's a possibility of that, advise you take it. Atleast you can concede you've tried everything in the event of their passing.

You assume so much and all of it is wrong. Please don't project your feelings and experiences on something you don't know about.

When she dies, grief and resentment will be totally absent. I will be heartbroken for my sibs who can't detach themselves from the shit and will suffer terribly.

That just seemed contradictory .

I do not know the specifics of your situation as you haven't disclosed them.

People have different values , they do the best with the ones that are instilled within them I guess. If you've genuinely tried to mend fences and heal old wounds to no avail, fair play.

Just playing devil's advocate . really.

Why do you think I should make amends with someone who rejected me? Is it because your own parental relationship is flawed and needs mending?

Sounds like she had delusions of grandeur and inability to empathise and meet her children's emotional needs. That suggests narcissistic personality disorder.

A mother's natural instinct is to love and protect her offspring, something shaped her behaviour , doesn't excuse it but at least it would explain. Good luck whatever you choose to do.

Shabby treatment eh. My sisters are going to have a right laugh about this, I shall tell them that what we experience is shabby. Not neglect or emotional abuse, it was just a bit shabby."

You're still alive and here to tell the tale, there are people who have endured and ended up much worse off.

Tbh after reading your opening post , you kind of came off as one of those irritating "poor me" types forever trading upon / milking a particular hardship or misfortune for attention and sympathy. Deferring personal responsibility for poor decision making onto others..

Still none the wiser tbh, whatever the truth.. Good luck, peace out.

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *opsy Rogers OP Woman over a year ago

London

"Ohhhh my good lord!! I often pop into the lounge or uk forums to have a little nosey,, as us Irish do,,,, I am very shocked at this forum post,, in more ways than one,,,,, I think ppl have forgotten this is a swing site,, mutual pleasure,, sex,, fun site,,and sometimes friendships are formed , not anything else,,,,, not only are you's letting fellow fabbers from all over the globe know about your personnel lives without meeting,, ie parents and how good/bad a parent you are but your also coming across as someone who has major issues and probably won't get a meet after this,,,, why come on a sex site and slate yours parents,, in this case your mother?? Shouldn't some things in your : personnel life not be discussed with someone your meeting for FUN let alone on a forum post,, some people have issues it's clear to see from this post,, I don't think the forums on a swing site is the way to go about it,, any councillors on fab??? ,, you might get some business aswell as the fun that this site is supposed to be for

Happy Mother's Day to all,, including myself as a mam of 3,, and to my own mam who is spending her 2nd mammys day away from home xx "

It's the lounge, we can post what we want as long as we don't break the rules. Don't fret about me and my meets my lovely, I have that sorted thanks

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Sorry for the rant but I saw the bad mother title and needed to vent!!

G x"

I'm sorry but if my ex was spending all her benefit money in the pub ect....and my children were living in a tip and they wasn't her first priority, my first priority would be getting them the hell out of their??

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By *inky-MinxWoman over a year ago

Grantham

"You assume that the mother in the situation would cooperate and that is rarely the case."

Exactly, these sort of people won't unfortunately.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"Was it an epiphany? The fact that mothers don't have to be included in your life just because they gave birth to you?

How long did it take you to break free!

Then i decided i wasn't going to let my kids see their mum (me) bother with them any more or make any effort when this wasn't being returned and it was hurting me and now my oldest kid.

I realised it didn't matter if people didn't love you and society had it so wrong about a childs responsibility to their parents.

I also have poor memory, dissociate from my own feelings quite easily too, and can think rationally/logically about things that should be emotional, this helps a lot as well.

We walked the same path

isn't it fukcing amazing that from such adversity comes so much love."

Fucked me up for a while, i got over it though yeah, and it was love that got me there.

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By *tarbeckCouple over a year ago

york

Happy Mother's Day to all,, including myself as a mam of 3,, and to my own mam who is spending her 2nd mammys day away from home xx

It's the lounge, we can post what we want as long as we don't break the rules. Don't fret about me and my meets my lovely, I have that sorted thanks

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"I didn't want to hijack the ones with all those lovely mums in, this is the one for the mothers who chose not to do their best for their children.

Here's to coming out the other side and NOT being the person our mothers are.

Cheers!!!"

Sounds to me more like someone's honest opinion, who is looking for comfort from people in the same sort of situation, at a time of year that is clearly going to be difficult for people in such circumstances.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Happy Mother's Day to all,, including myself as a mam of 3,, and to my own mam who is spending her 2nd mammys day away from home xx

It's the lounge, we can post what we want as long as we don't break the rules. Don't fret about me and my meets my lovely, I have that sorted thanks

I'm not fretting by any means,,, and you post away as you wish, just my opinion,,good luck with your meets

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By *anky_PankyWoman over a year ago

Filthy Fuckeryville

It's sad how many bad mothers there are

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By *ire_bladeMan over a year ago

Manchester

"Not to seem rude by saying this but..as you haven't disclosed enough to form a faire response..

To play devil's advocate..

You're as bad as her if you walk away.

You're bemoaning her negligence as a mother as a justification for your own willful negligence as a daughter.

Sorry hun , my advice.. break the cycle of narcissistic familial behaviours. You cannot condemn someone for behaviour you latently exhibit yourself.

She may have been negligent or lacking in maternal instinct in all likelihood she'll dead soon.. Who will you blame then for your mistakes ?

We all bare accountability for poor choices . you bare none for yours?

Go and see her, speak honestly and with candor.. She has a story too in all likelihood. Make peace and get closure while you can.

Well, that's an interesting read but as you said at the start, you don't know the whole story.

Just so you know, self preservation in order to protect my family is not narcissism.

What poor choices have I made?

I've had a right old chuckle at your last bit of advice, if only you could hear what happened with those conversations and letters, you'd laugh with me

Maybe, just maybe, you are projecting?

As I said, I don't know the finite specifics . no, not projection. Just an alternative perspective.

You don't have to forgive , meeting her in a non combative manner and getting insight may give you understanding and closure. Why deny yourself that opportunity while you have it?

You assume that the mother in the situation would cooperate and that is rarely the case.

I don't know the specifics as stated above, perhaps she's garded and belligerent as a defense mechanism..

If there's a possibility of that, advise you take it. Atleast you can concede you've tried everything in the event of their passing.

You assume so much and all of it is wrong. Please don't project your feelings and experiences on something you don't know about.

When she dies, grief and resentment will be totally absent. I will be heartbroken for my sibs who can't detach themselves from the shit and will suffer terribly.

That just seemed contradictory .

I do not know the specifics of your situation as you haven't disclosed them.

People have different values , they do the best with the ones that are instilled within them I guess. If you've genuinely tried to mend fences and heal old wounds to no avail, fair play.

Just playing devil's advocate . really.

Why do you think I should make amends with someone who rejected me? Is it because your own parental relationship is flawed and needs mending?

Sounds like she had delusions of grandeur and inability to empathise and meet her children's emotional needs. That suggests narcissistic personality disorder.

A mother's natural instinct is to love and protect her offspring, something shaped her behaviour , doesn't excuse it but at least it would explain. Good luck whatever you choose to do.

Shabby treatment eh. My sisters are going to have a right laugh about this, I shall tell them that what we experience is shabby. Not neglect or emotional abuse, it was just a bit shabby.

You're still alive and here to tell the tale, there are people who have endured and ended up much worse off.

Still none the wiser tbh, whatever the truth.. Good luck, peace out.

You know sometimes when you've no understanding of something it's best to just shut up. Just a thought. Peace out

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By *opsy Rogers OP Woman over a year ago

London

"I didn't want to hijack the ones with all those lovely mums in, this is the one for the mothers who chose not to do their best for their children.

Here's to coming out the other side and NOT being the person our mothers are.

Cheers!!!

That's pretty clever too, thanks

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"I didn't want to hijack the ones with all those lovely mums in, this is the one for the mothers who chose not to do their best for their children.

Here's to coming out the other side and NOT being the person our mothers are.

Cheers!!!

That's pretty clever too, thanks

Thanks

and sorry to hear about your situation. The best thing to do is to be the best you can be and forget the rest it's all BS anyway

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *ssexcokMan over a year ago

southend

"I didn't want to hijack the ones with all those lovely mums in, this is the one for the mothers who chose not to do their best for their children.

Here's to coming out the other side and NOT being the person our mothers are.

Cheers!!!"

Iv tired my whole life to not be like my parents an avoid them thy have never cared or wanted me an been made to think its my fault

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *ormalguy71Man over a year ago

Tunbridge Wells

Why can't some people just move onto a thread they agree with?

God not all of us have wonderful parents, I certainly won't lose any sleep the day she passes and I sure as hell won't go to the funeral

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *tarbeckCouple over a year ago

york

"Why can't some people just move onto a thread they agree with?

God not all of us have wonderful parents, I certainly won't lose any sleep the day she passes and I sure as hell won't go to the funeral "
Same here and i wont be bloody paying for it

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *ub_liminalTVTV/TS over a year ago

Belfast

"Not to seem rude by saying this but..as you haven't disclosed enough to form a faire response..

To play devil's advocate..

You're as bad as her if you walk away.

You're bemoaning her negligence as a mother as a justification for your own willful negligence as a daughter.

Sorry hun , my advice.. break the cycle of narcissistic familial behaviours. You cannot condemn someone for behaviour you latently exhibit yourself.

She may have been negligent or lacking in maternal instinct in all likelihood she'll dead soon.. Who will you blame then for your mistakes ?

We all bare accountability for poor choices . you bare none for yours?

Go and see her, speak honestly and with candor.. She has a story too in all likelihood. Make peace and get closure while you can.

Well, that's an interesting read but as you said at the start, you don't know the whole story.

Just so you know, self preservation in order to protect my family is not narcissism.

What poor choices have I made?

I've had a right old chuckle at your last bit of advice, if only you could hear what happened with those conversations and letters, you'd laugh with me

Maybe, just maybe, you are projecting?

As I said, I don't know the finite specifics . no, not projection. Just an alternative perspective.

You don't have to forgive , meeting her in a non combative manner and getting insight may give you understanding and closure. Why deny yourself that opportunity while you have it?

You assume that the mother in the situation would cooperate and that is rarely the case.

I don't know the specifics as stated above, perhaps she's garded and belligerent as a defense mechanism..

If there's a possibility of that, advise you take it. Atleast you can concede you've tried everything in the event of their passing.

You assume so much and all of it is wrong. Please don't project your feelings and experiences on something you don't know about.

When she dies, grief and resentment will be totally absent. I will be heartbroken for my sibs who can't detach themselves from the shit and will suffer terribly.

That just seemed contradictory .

I do not know the specifics of your situation as you haven't disclosed them.

People have different values , they do the best with the ones that are instilled within them I guess. If you've genuinely tried to mend fences and heal old wounds to no avail, fair play.

Just playing devil's advocate . really.

Why do you think I should make amends with someone who rejected me? Is it because your own parental relationship is flawed and needs mending?

Sounds like she had delusions of grandeur and inability to empathise and meet her children's emotional needs. That suggests narcissistic personality disorder.

A mother's natural instinct is to love and protect her offspring, something shaped her behaviour , doesn't excuse it but at least it would explain. Good luck whatever you choose to do.

Shabby treatment eh. My sisters are going to have a right laugh about this, I shall tell them that what we experience is shabby. Not neglect or emotional abuse, it was just a bit shabby.

You're still alive and here to tell the tale, there are people who have endured and ended up much worse off.

Still none the wiser tbh, whatever the truth.. Good luck, peace out.

You know sometimes when you've no understanding of something it's best to just shut up. Just a thought. Peace out

She doesn't hold the monopoly on misfortune or hardship. Hate poor me types the vacuously coast through life bemoaning a particular person, playing the "victim" entitlement card.

Everyone has been through something, some choose to wallow endlessly upon and perpetually define themselves by it, other choose to define themselves by how they get over it,

I've worked with such persons.

I'm not into these fawning.. "Poor you" chorus threads.

If you have an issue resolve it or if not, make peace with it don't harp on.

Differing opinions.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Happy Mother's Day to all,, including myself as a mam of 3,, and to my own mam who is spending her 2nd mammys day away from home xx "

Your lack of empathy and sanctimonious attitude is really quite outstanding.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"Wow might I just add personality disorder is one of the hardest mental health issues to diagnose, the fact that you've even implied this could be the case is slightly worrying. Tbh it sounds to me like theirs a little narcissism in your posting -_- "

Only hard to diagnose if they're covert about it, not if they aren't bothered and don't realise they have to hide anything if they want to be seen as normal.