FabSwingers.com > Forums > The Lounge > Bad jokes.

Bad jokes.

By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

Bad jokes are something very very close to my heart, I adore them, they get such a bad wrap and I really don't know why.

So I'm going to showcase some of them here and I want you all to get involved.

I'll start us off.

What did Batman say to Robin before he got in the car?

"..Get in the car"

"What do you get when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question?"

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

What did the 0 say to the number 8......nice belt x

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

two fish are in a tank

one says to the other "How do you drive this thing!"

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Seven cows in a field, which one is on holiday?

The one with the wee calf

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Omg I already love you OP and this thread.

Why was 6 afraid of 7

Because 7 8 9

You have to say it out loud

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

paddy: guess what?

murphy? what

paddy: good guess!

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

why did the chicken cross the road?

to get to the other side

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By *obwithkiltMan over a year ago

Belton

what is white and can't climb trees ?

a dead fridge

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

A man walks in to a bar, walks up to the barman and says

"Can I get a gin and tonic"

The barman lays an apple I front of the man, bemused the man asks "where's my drink?"

The barman tells the man to take a bite out of the Apple!

To the mans surprise he exclaimed

"It tastes like Gin"

"Turn it over" said the barman.

The man turned it over and took another bite.

"It tastes like tonic!"

Another man walks in to the bar, and orders a Jack Daniel's and Coke, to which the barman lays down another Apple.

The same scenario plays out again!

"This tastes like Jack Daniels!"

Another man walks in to the bar and asks "why are you all eating apples?"

"Well" said the first man "whatever you order, the bartender will create with this apple, it's amazing!"

"Alright" said the man, as a smug look washed over his face. "Give me one that tastes like pussy!"

The bartender lays down an apple and the man takes a bite.

"Christ! It tastes like shit!"

"Turn it over.."

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

What's orange and sounds like a parrot?

A carrot.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

What goes 'ooooooooooo'?

A cow with no lips!

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By *anaduABCMan over a year ago

Dublin

Tequila, sambuca, jeigermeister....im calling the shots here....

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

I gave all my dead batteries away today ... Free of charge.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

What did Adam say to Eve the night before Jesus was born?

"It's Christmas, Eve".

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By *ohn8210tCouple over a year ago

Warwick

Never mind the jokes, I've just got back from holiday and discovered my wife is pregnant - again !! Every time I go away this happens. So to stop it from happening again;next time I'm taking her with me !!

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"What did Adam say to Eve the night before Jesus was born?

"It's Christmas, Eve"."

that made me smile

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

"Seven cows in a field, which one is on holiday?

The one with the wee calf

Crying laughing at that!

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

What's red and smells like blue paint.

Red paint.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Never fight an octopus, I hear it's well armed.

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

I don't like relationships, I get sea sick

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

My sister bet me I couldn't make a car out of spaghetti. Shoulda seen her face when I drove pasta.

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By *ub_liminalTVTV/TS over a year ago

Belfast

What did Santa say to Mrs clause when he looked out the window?

"It's raining..dear"...

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Did you hear the one about ur deaf guy

No he didn't either

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

I tried to organise a Bukakki party on here, didn't go very well though.

Nobody came.

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

"Omg I already love you OP and this thread.

Why was 6 afraid of 7

Because 7 8 9

You have to say it out loud

Haha thank you lady!

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Made you look.

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

Haha walked right in to that one.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

You know what makes me smile?

Facial muscles

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By *own a bitMan over a year ago

Dublin

did u hear about the paper shop...it blew away

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

My hubby used to tell "dad jokes"

Like this..... I just cried and laughed - thank you OP ...... Nice memories of him xx

Mwah

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By *umpleteazerWoman over a year ago

Flintshire

Failed a job interview. Apparently gang bang is not a good example of team work....

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By *iSTARessWoman over a year ago

London

What's red and stands in the corner?

A naughty fire engine

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

You're welcome! It's nice to know they reach people on other levels too!

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Do you know what I couldn't understand?

Mandarin Chinese!

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Love this thread OP made me giggle lots mwah.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Man walk into a bar.... Ouch

Chinese taxi driver... Loup in

Man with a seagull on his head.... Cliff

Paddy and mick walking down the street.

Mick falls down a drain. Shouts to paddy. Throw me down a match I can't see..

After repeated attempted too strike it he calls to paddy.. This fucking match ain't working m8.

Paddy....Fucking was when I used it.

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By *ENGUYMan over a year ago

Hull

What do you call a sleepwalking Nun?

A roaming Catholic!

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"A man walks in to a bar, walks up to the barman and says

"Can I get a gin and tonic"

The barman lays an apple I front of the man, bemused the man asks "where's my drink?"

The barman tells the man to take a bite out of the Apple!

To the mans surprise he exclaimed

"It tastes like Gin"

"Turn it over" said the barman.

The man turned it over and took another bite.

"It tastes like tonic!"

Another man walks in to the bar, and orders a Jack Daniel's and Coke, to which the barman lays down another Apple.

The same scenario plays out again!

"This tastes like Jack Daniels!"

Another man walks in to the bar and asks "why are you all eating apples?"

"Well" said the first man "whatever you order, the bartender will create with this apple, it's amazing!"

"Alright" said the man, as a smug look washed over his face. "Give me one that tastes like pussy!"

The bartender lays down an apple and the man takes a bite.

"Christ! It tastes like shit!"

"Turn it over..""

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

What's the difference between a hippo and a zippo.

Ones really heavy and the other is a little lighter.

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By *ty31Man over a year ago

NW London

My uncle was a ventriloquist. But he was never any good at it.

He used to put his hand up my arse and tell me not to say a fucking word...

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By *artytwoCouple over a year ago

Wolverhampton

Some of the jokes we used to tell and listen to in the old days you just can't repeat them anymore in case someone finds them 'offensive' eg a friend of mine used to have a great line in 'baby jokes', they were horrible but we used to end up nearly sick with laughter.

Changing world eh?

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

"My uncle was a ventriloquist. But he was never any good at it.

He used to put his hand up my arse and tell me not to say a fucking word..."

That made me cry laughing! Well done!

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

These jokes are really making my day! Please carry on!

You've got to hand it to blind prostitutes.

..She kept telling me how big I was! But she was pulling my leg.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Elvis has left the building

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

On our first date we went to the fair and I took B on the carousel.

It was just a roundabout way of getting in her knickers.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Somebody asked me what the wife does for a living?

I said its hard to say really.

She sells sea shells on the sea shore

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By *olgateMan over a year ago

on the road to nowhere in particular

"Some of the jokes we used to tell and listen to in the old days you just can't repeat them anymore in case someone finds them 'offensive' eg a friend of mine used to have a great line in 'baby jokes', they were horrible but we used to end up nearly sick with laughter.

Changing world eh?"

What's the difference between a lorry load of ping pong balls and a lorry load of babies?

You can't unload the ping pong balls with a pitch fork

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"what is white and can't climb trees ?

a dead fridge"

Actually laughed out loud

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Three gays in a bed, which one is the skier?

The one in the middle

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question. As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman beside him and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast. They are both quite startled. The man turns to her and says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me." She replies, "if your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 1221."

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Me and Dad were walking past the bike shop just before Christmas

I tugged his sleeve and said "Dad, Dad, I've got my eye on that bike over there"

Dad replied "My advice is to keep your eye on it son, cos there's no way you are getting your bloody arse on it"

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Changing world eh?"

What cries and can't turn around in a corridor?

A baby with a javelin through its head

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

What's the difference between a magicians wand and a policeman's truncheon?

One is for cunning stunts and the other is for...apprehending criminals!

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By *isa 59Woman over a year ago

Newcastle

Why did Adele cross the road?

Because she wanted to say Hello from the other side

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"Why did Adele cross the road?

Because she wanted to say Hello from the other side

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

What do you call a deer with no eyes?

No eye deer

What do you call a deer with no legs and no eyes

Still no eye deer

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

What do you call a computer that can sing?

A Dell

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By *buse my girlfriendCouple over a year ago

Derby

What's the difference between a JCB and a Giraffe?

1 has hydraulics the other has high bollocks.

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By *obwithkiltMan over a year ago

Belton

What do you call a lesbian dinosaur? Licksalotofpus

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By *obwithkiltMan over a year ago

Belton

Last time i went for a curry i had a Tarka...its a bit like a korma but a little otter !

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"Last time i went for a curry i had a Tarka...its a bit like a korma but a little otter !"

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

How do you make a bear cross?

Nail two together.

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By *lappyMan over a year ago

Manchester

I used to be a page 3 photographer and then I got promoted ..... now I do page 4

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"I tried to organise a Bukakki party on here, didn't go very well though.

Nobody came. "

That's a coincidence - I organised a surprise bukkake party for the wife. You should have seen her face

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By *ranny-CrumpetWoman over a year ago

The Town by The Cross

I was in this restaurant and I asked for something herby. They gave me a Volkswagen with no driver.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

What do you call an Indian standing on one leg?

Balan Singh.

Here all week......

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Found my Nan dead in her bed this afternoon, I was so gutted, I put my arms around her as a tear rolled down my cheek, then I suddenly noticed that she was naked.

I ended up fucking her, just at the point I was about to cum up her arse, she shouted BOOOO!

I couldn't believe it, what sort of sick cunt pretends to be dead!!

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

What do you call a lemon flavoured condom??

Cums in jiffy

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By *inky-MinxWoman over a year ago

Grantham

What do you call a man who has no arms and no legs but swims the Channel?

A clever dick

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By *inky-MinxWoman over a year ago

Grantham

Hello OP, you appear to have long hair?

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Why did the bike fall over?

Because it was twondering tired.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Did you know that statistically 6 out of 7 dwarfs aren't happy ?

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

An old man and an old lady are getting ready for bed one night when all of a sudden the woman bursts out of the bathroom, flings open her robe and yells "Super Pussy!" The old man says "I'll have the soup."

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

what do you call a man with a piece of ham on his head ?

hamhead.

what do you call a man with 2 pieces of ham on his head ?

more hamhead.

what do you call a man with 2 pieces of ham on his head and in-between 2 houses ?

muhammed ali

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

How do you get Pikachu onto a bus?

Poke 'im on!

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By *lanwoodMan over a year ago

Alton

"What did Santa say to Mrs clause when he looked out the window?

"It's raining..dear"..."

I think the punch line is "it looks like rain dear"

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

What did god say when he made the first black man?

Damn I burnt one

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

A Man walks into a bar! OUCH!!!!!!!

It was an iron bar!

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By *lanwoodMan over a year ago

Alton

Two goldfish are swimming in a bowl. What is the name of the one in front?

Bob.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

What's brown and sticky?

A stick

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

What's red and invisible?

No tomatoes.

Shall I get my coat?

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Did you know tall people lie longer in bed! #truefact!

Jay

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"An old man and an old lady are getting ready for bed one night when all of a sudden the woman bursts out of the bathroom, flings open her robe and yells "Super Pussy!" The old man says "I'll have the soup."

Great thread op!

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

How do u get 4 elephants in a mini

2 in the front and 2 in the back.

What's grey and has a trunk

A mouse going on holiday.

FINALLY

I watched the sheep dog trials on tv

2 collies were found guilty.

IM HERE ALL WEEK

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By *ildbillkidMan over a year ago

where the road goes on forever

What did tarzan say when he saw the elephants coming? Here come the elephants. What did he say when he saw the elephants coming wearing sunglasses? Nothing he didn't recognize them

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Two men at the pearly gates.

Right says St Peter, why are you here.

"well I got home from work and found mens clothes on the floor and my yng wife naked. She admitted to having an affair and I was so angry I grabbed the wardrobe and threw it out the window.... Then I had a heart attack"

Ok says St Peter go in

Now what about you, to the second man

"well funny story really, there I was minding my own business in a wardrobe......"

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Two flys playing football in a saucer.

One says to the other "We had better improve. Next week we are playing in the cup"

You did say poor jokes ....

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The driver says: "Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen."

The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: "The driver just insulted me." The man says: "You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you."

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By *indy SometimesTV/TS over a year ago

BoxHill

"What do you call a deer with no eyes?

No eye deer

What do you call a deer with no legs and no eyes

Still no eye deer "

What do you call a deer with no willy, no legs and no eyes?

Still no fucking idea!

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"What do you call a deer with no eyes?

No eye deer

What do you call a deer with no legs and no eyes

Still no eye deer

What do you call a deer with no willy, no legs and no eyes?

Still no fucking idea!"

I take me hat off to your comical genius

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

A ham sandwich walks into a bar and orders a beer. Bartender says, "Sorry we don’t serve food here"

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

In class one day the teacher notices jonny not paying attention so decides to ask him a question.

Jonny if there are ten birds in the tree and you shoot one how many would be left? Quick as a flash he replies, none miss, the others would be scared away by the noise. The teacher says the correct answer is nine but I like the way your thinking. Five minutes later jonny puts his hand up, I've got a question for you miss. Three women come out an ice cream parlour, each with a cone, one is licking hers, one is biting hers and the other is sucking hers so which one is married. The teacher thinks for a bit then replies the one sucking hers to which jonny says no its the one wearing the wedding ring but I like the way you're thinking

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By *VineMan over a year ago

The right place

I went to the worst zoo the other day, it only had one dog.

It was a Shih tzu

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

A woman goes into a bar and asks for a double entendre...... so the barman gives her one .

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By *VineMan over a year ago

The right place

Did you hear about the cannibal who wouldn't eat clowns? Apparently they taste funny!

Did you hear about the cannibal that passed his cousin in the woods!?

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By *indy SometimesTV/TS over a year ago

BoxHill

Why did the Koala fall out of the tree?

Because it was dead.

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By *indy SometimesTV/TS over a year ago

BoxHill

What do you call two robbers?

A pair of knickers.

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By *ty31Man over a year ago

NW London

A man with no arms and no legs is feeling horny and not getting any meets thru Fab decide to visit a brothel.

He rings the bell and the madam answers the door clad in thigh high boots and a corset.

She looks down at home and says "look you've got no arms and no legs, what do you really think you're going to be able to do? You may as well go home."

The man replies "I rang the fucking bell didn't I!"

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By *udistnorthantsMan over a year ago

Desborough

I was in the park wondering why frizbees get bigger the closer they get..... and then it hit me

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

"A woman goes into a bar and asks for a double entendre...... so the barman gives her one .

Hahahaha!!

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By *enard ArgenteMan over a year ago

London and France

"How do u get 4 elephants in a mini

2 in the front and 2 in the back"

How do you get two giraffes in a mini?

Tell two of the elephants to get out.

You have to say the next one out loud..

How go you get two whales in a mini?

Straight down the M4 to Bristol and over the Severn Bridge

Ka-boom, tish!

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By *aul DeUther-OneMan over a year ago

Sussex

Did you hear about the bloke who walked into a full drum kit?....

Fuddaladoomph tish!

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By *lanwoodMan over a year ago

Alton

Two flies skating on a bald man's head. The older one says "I remember when this was just a footpath"

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Two flies on a turd

One farts

The other says "Do you mind? I'm eating!"

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By *artytwoCouple over a year ago

Wolverhampton

Statistically, nine out of ten people enjoy gang-rape.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

I got thrown out of KFC this lunchtime,

I only asked for a leg and a wing.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"How do u get 4 elephants in a mini

2 in the front and 2 in the back

How do you get two giraffes in a mini?

Tell two of the elephants to get out.

You have to say the next one out loud..

How go you get two whales in a mini?

Straight down the M4 to Bristol and over the Severn Bridge

Ka-boom, tish!

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

BNAG that bang out of order

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By *ilver Bra.sCouple over a year ago

Aberdare

Paddy was applying for a job as a blacksmith.

The blacksmith asked Paddy "do u have any experience shoeing horses?"

Paddy replied "No but I once told a donkey to fuck off".

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"Paddy was applying for a job as a blacksmith.

The blacksmith asked Paddy "do u have any experience shoeing horses?"

Paddy replied "No but I once told a donkey to fuck off"."

Oh loved this one

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By *ilver Bra.sCouple over a year ago

Aberdare

"Paddy was applying for a job as a blacksmith.

The blacksmith asked Paddy "do u have any experience shoeing horses?"

Paddy replied "No but I once told a donkey to fuck off".

Oh loved this one

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"Paddy was applying for a job as a blacksmith.

The blacksmith asked Paddy "do u have any experience shoeing horses?"

Paddy replied "No but I once told a donkey to fuck off".

Oh loved this one

I am seriously crying with laughter at this

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By *aneandpaulCouple over a year ago

cleveleys

Last night the wife asked me to put a bunch of grapes up her arse one at once got the full bunch up she never said a word this morning she let out a little wine

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

What goes.. 99 clunk, 99 clunk, 99 clunk?..

A centipede with a wooden leg

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

What's black and white and re(a)d all over?..

A newspaper

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

What's red and bad for your teeth?

A brick.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

How many donkeys can you fit in a fire engine?..

2 in the front, 2 in the back.. And one on the top.. Going eeeeeeeooooorrrrrr eeeeeeeooooorrrrrr eeeeeeeooooorrrrrr

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

“When Beethoven passed away, he was buried in a churchyard. A couple days later, the town d*unk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Beethoven was buried. Terrified, the d*unk ran and got the priest to come and listen to it. The priest bent close to the grave and heard some faint, unrecognizable music coming from the grave. Frightened, the priest ran and got the town magistrate. When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a moment, and said, "Ah, yes, that’s Beethoven’s Ninth Symphony, being played backwards.” He listened a while longer, and said, “There’s the Eighth Symphony, and it’s backwards, too. Most puzzling.” So the magistrate kept listening; “There’s the Seventh… the Sixth… the Fifth…” Suddenly the realization of what was happening dawned on the magistrate; he stood up and announced to the crowd that had gathered in the cemetery, “My fellow citizens, there’s nothing to worry about. It’s just Beethoven decomposing.”

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Doctor, Doctor I think I'm a bell?

Take these and if it doesn't help give me a ring!

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

2 elephants fall of a cliff

Boom boom

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By *ildbillkidMan over a year ago

where the road goes on forever

Whats grey andcomes in quarts (liters) ? Elephants

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Doctor, Doctor I dream there are monsters under my bed, what can I do?

Saw the legs off of your bed

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

A dyslexic man walks into a bra....

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

So there i was, in my kitchen with a massive saucepan of jelly and a life size mold of Robert Mugabe, when i was arrested for trying to set a dangerous president....

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Man and lady sitting opposite

On a train the man says can I smell you cunt the lady says certainly not oh it must be your fucking feet then

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By *inky-MinxWoman over a year ago

Grantham

This is a genuinely funny thread

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

[Removed by poster at 07/03/16 00:02:29]

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By *inky-MinxWoman over a year ago

Grantham

An engineer dies and goes to Hell. Whilst he's there he sorts out all sorts of problems, including installing air conditioning, etc. etc.

Eventually God realises there's been a mistake and the Engineer was supposed to go to heaven. God has a word with the Devil and asks for his man back.

The Devil says "No way, this guy is great and we're keeping him here". God says "You can't do that, I am going to get a lawyer!!!!"

And the Devil says "Oh really, and just where do you think you're going to find one of them."

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By *exybabyMan over a year ago

Canterbury....ish

Which part of a cabbage can you not eat....

?....the wheel chair

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By *inky-MinxWoman over a year ago

Grantham

"Which part of a cabbage can you not eat....

?....the wheel chair

Nooooooooooooooo

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By *exybabyMan over a year ago

Canterbury....ish

"How many donkeys can you fit in a fire engine?..

2 in the front, 2 in the back.. And one on the top.. Going eeeeeeeooooorrrrrr eeeeeeeooooorrrrrr eeeeeeeooooorrrrrr "

My mates nickname was donkey......he orr, he orr, he always got called that

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

knock knock

Who's there?

You're doorbell's not working

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Went out for a red hot curry last night, woke up this morning with really sore arse, "Ring sting?" Asked the wife.

I called him, he wasn't remotely interested

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By *exybabyMan over a year ago

Canterbury....ish

A poor chap with no arms or legs is on the beach soaking up some sunshine when a deliciously attractive wench sees him.

Taking pity she asks 'have you ever been cuddled?'

'No' he replies to which she gives him a really long cuddle and he is truly made up.

Ten minutes later she returns and again taking pity asks

'Have you ever been kissed?'

Again he replies that he hasn't so she gives him a full on french kiss leaving him savouring his good fortune.

Another ten minutes and, once again, she approaches him and asks

'Have you ever been fucked?'

Of course now he thinks his luck is really in and quickly begins to relish what might happen.

'No, i haven't'

To which she responds

'Well you will be when the tide comes in'!!

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Two buckets of vomit walking through town. One suddenly bursts into tears saying " i was brought up just around the corner"

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By *indy SometimesTV/TS over a year ago

BoxHill

Did you hear about the dyslexic, agnostic insomniac?

He lay awake at night wondering about the existence of dog!

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By *ogue78Man over a year ago

edinburgh

two parrots are sat on a perch, one turns to the other.... can you smell fish?

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By *ogue78Man over a year ago

edinburgh

paddy applies for a job at building site, the foreman asks him if he can brew tea. oh yes, Paddy replies.

the foreman then asks if he can drive a forklift....

how big Is the fucking teapot, paddy replies!

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By *iSTARessWoman over a year ago

London

If you like really silly jokes, look up Kids Write Jokes on Twitter. Hilarious

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By *ildbillkidMan over a year ago

where the road goes on forever

What do you call a box of ducks? A box of quackers

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By *9mclovingMan over a year ago

london

Now that's a bad joke

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By *atinbootsTV/TS over a year ago

Market Rasen

A slug catches up with a snail as they're heading the same direction down a garden path... "Bloody caravans!" shouts the slug...

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By *atinbootsTV/TS over a year ago

Market Rasen

"two fish are in a tank

one says to the other "How do you drive this thing!" "

Other shouts back "You man the gun, I'll drive!!"

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By *hechairman18Man over a year ago

Salford Quays , Manchester

What time did the Chinaman have an appointment at the Dentist?

Tooth Hurty

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

A man was arrested by the police for molesting a Shetland pony. During the interview at the station he claimed he only did it because of his sore throat.

What do you mean? asked the policeman.

Well, I was feeling a little hoarse.......

And for an encore......

What time do astronauts eat?

Launch time!

I'll get my coat

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

What do you call a fish without an 'I'?

A fshhhh

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By *hynewguy2012Man over a year ago

dartford

Paddy is walking down the street with some fish in his bag , he sees his mate Mick and says

If you can guess how many fish I have , you can have them both !

Excitedly Mick says " 3

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

2 men in their local of a lunchtime notice a well dressed stranger walk in. While 1 local goes to the toilet the other decides to introduce himself:

'Afternoon, haven't seen you in here before. Nice to meet you'

'Thanks, I'm in town to deliver a lecture & I just fancied a quick drink before the talk'

'Oh, what's the lecture about?

'Logic - I'm a logician'

'What do they do then?'

'Well, I use logic to deduce solutions to problems but it'd probably be easier to show you if you don't mind answering a few questions..?'

'No, go ahead'

'Right then, off we go...do you keep fish?'

'Yes I do actually'

'Excellent! In a tank or a pond?'

'A pond - Koi carp they are.'

'Right so if you have a pond I can deduce that you have a reasonably large garden'

'That's true'

'Which means that you probably have a large house..?'

'My pride and joy - 5 bedrooms, detached'

'...and from that I deduce that you have a large family...'

'Me, the missus, 2 boys, 2 girls'

'A rather more personal question this - if you don't mind - but I deduce from that amount of children that you and your wife have an active sex life?'

'Bloody right! No complaints in that department!'

'So then, I deduce from that that you do not masturbate very often?'

'Very true, in fact I can't remember the last time I had a wank'

The logician finishes his half and says

'Well, I must be off - I hope that gives you some idea of what I do. I've really enjoyed our conversation'

'Me too, fascinating! Good luck with the lecture.'

The local returns to his mate and his mate asks

'Who was that then?'

'That, my friend, was a logician'

'A logician? What's that then?

'I'll show you...do you keep fish?

'No'

'Well your a wanker then'.

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By *imply_SensualMan over a year ago

warrington

Was chatting to a woman in a bar the other day and my mate walked past and said "already donkey" - the woman eyes lit up, eyebrows raised she asked "why does he he call you donkey?"

"ee-aw, ee-aw, he always calls me that!"

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By *imply_SensualMan over a year ago

warrington

A white horse walks into a bar and the barman says "we have a whisky named after you" the horse says, "what, Eric?"

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Two cannibals eating lunch. One says " I really don't like your mother" Other one says " well just eat your chips then"

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Why did the pervert cross the road?

Because he had his nob in the chicken.

RIP Rick Mayall.

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

Why did Sally fall off the swing?

She didn't have any arms..

*Knock Knock*

Who's there?

Not Sally.

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

"“When Beethoven passed away, he was buried in a churchyard. A couple days later, the town d*unk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Beethoven was buried. Terrified, the d*unk ran and got the priest to come and listen to it. The priest bent close to the grave and heard some faint, unrecognizable music coming from the grave. Frightened, the priest ran and got the town magistrate. When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a moment, and said, "Ah, yes, that’s Beethoven’s Ninth Symphony, being played backwards.” He listened a while longer, and said, “There’s the Eighth Symphony, and it’s backwards, too. Most puzzling.” So the magistrate kept listening; “There’s the Seventh… the Sixth… the Fifth…” Suddenly the realization of what was happening dawned on the magistrate; he stood up and announced to the crowd that had gathered in the cemetery, “My fellow citizens, there’s nothing to worry about. It’s just Beethoven decomposing.”"
I really appreciate how well written this is! And it had me creasing! Well played!

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Two snowmen talking, one asks the other "can you smell carrots?"

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By *iamondjoeMan over a year ago

Glastonbury

Two cannibals are eating a clown.

"'Ere," says one t'other, "does this taste funny to you?"

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By *-ManMan over a year ago

Kark

Did you hear about the little pebble who had no self-confidence? He wished he was boulder

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Paddy goes to work one day with his new flask

On his break he gets it out and Murphy says

(In best Irish accent)

"Paddy paddy what you got there then?"

"it's a new invention" says paddy, "its a thermos flask, it keep hot things hot and cold things cold"

"Oh be Jesus that's clever" says Murphy "Mary Mary come and look at this, paddy's got a new inventions"

"Whats that?" Asks Mary

"It's a thermos flask, it keep hot things hot and cold things cold" says paddy

"Go away outta that

" says mary " that's bloody brilliant, what you got in there?"

Paddy replys

"two cups of coffee and a ice cream"!!

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By *verysmileMan over a year ago

Canterbury

I suffer with hereditary diarrhoea.

Apparently, it runs in the family.

Ka ching

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

I told a girl she drew her eyebrows on too high..

She looked surprised.

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By *iamondjoeMan over a year ago

Glastonbury

True story:~

I was at a festival, off ma todd one time, sat in the middle of a sea of people and this guy wandered up to me, grasped my shoulder and whispered in my ear:

"Do you wanna hear a joke?"

And I said, ok.

And he said: "It's not a very nice joke."

And I said, um, ok?

And in a gravely voice he asked, "What's black and blue and doesn't like anal sex?"

And in a small voice I replied, I don;t know - what's black and blue and doesn't like anal sex?

And he said: "The little boy in my basement."

And wandered off.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"True story:~

I was at a festival, off ma todd one time, sat in the middle of a sea of people and this guy wandered up to me, grasped my shoulder and whispered in my ear:

"Do you wanna hear a joke?"

And I said, ok.

And he said: "It's not a very nice joke."

And I said, um, ok?

And in a gravely voice he asked, "What's black and blue and doesn't like anal sex?"

And in a small voice I replied, I don;t know - what's black and blue and doesn't like anal sex?

And he said: "The little boy in my basement."

And wandered off.

That is sick and not even funny.

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By *aneandpaulCouple over a year ago

cleveleys

"True story:~

I was at a festival, off ma todd one time, sat in the middle of a sea of people and this guy wandered up to me, grasped my shoulder and whispered in my ear:

"Do you wanna hear a joke?"

And I said, ok.

And he said: "It's not a very nice joke."

And I said, um, ok?

And in a gravely voice he asked, "What's black and blue and doesn't like anal sex?"

And in a small voice I replied, I don;t know - what's black and blue and doesn't like anal sex?

And he said: "The little boy in my basement."

And wandered off.

That is sick and not even funny.

"
Your sad and need help

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"True story:~

I was at a festival, off ma todd one time, sat in the middle of a sea of people and this guy wandered up to me, grasped my shoulder and whispered in my ear:

"Do you wanna hear a joke?"

And I said, ok.

And he said: "It's not a very nice joke."

And I said, um, ok?

And in a gravely voice he asked, "What's black and blue and doesn't like anal sex?"

And in a small voice I replied, I don;t know - what's black and blue and doesn't like anal sex?

And he said: "The little boy in my basement."

And wandered off.

That is sick and not even funny.

Your sad and need help "

I am sorry. I don't find child abuse and child rape a nice subject for jokes. I expect if the joke was about a black, a woman, a TV, etc. You would be up in arms about it. But each to their own..... you are entitled to your opinion.

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By *lanwoodMan over a year ago

Alton

Why do bees have sticky hair?

Because they use honey combs.

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By *ayd2pinkTV/TS over a year ago

TENTERDEN

Q- whats got a hazelnut in every bite?

A- squirrel shit

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

My pet mouse 'Elvis' died last night..

He was caught in a trap..

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By *mojeeCouple over a year ago

Dunfermline

Heard a song on the radio today about fajitas. It might have been a wrap tho

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Ice cream van driver found dead on the floor of his van covered in 100's & 1000's flake and strawberry sauce!!!!!

They reckon he topped himself!

Jayxxx

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By *ost SockMan over a year ago

West Wales and Cardiff

What's brown and smells of poo?......

Gordon Brown having a poo.

What's orange and makes a sound like a parrot?.......

A carrot

Two cows in a field. One says to the other... "what do you reckon to this mad cow disease?"

The other says...

"I don't care, I'm a squirrel"

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

what do u call a polar bear with no ears??

anything u want

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Police are searching for a person that has been going round stabbing people in the back with a knitting needle.a police spokesman as said"4 people have been stabbed and there seems to be a pattern emmerging"

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

A bear taking a dump in the woods, sees a rabbit hopping past and asks, does the poo stick to your fur when your doing a number2?

No, say the rabbit!

So the bear picks up the rabbit and wipes his arse with with it!

Jayxxx

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By *rightonsteveMan over a year ago

Brighton - even Hove!

What do you call a blind dinosaur?

Didyouthinkhesawus

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By *rightonsteveMan over a year ago

Brighton - even Hove!

The end

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