FabSwingers.com
 

FabSwingers.com > Forums > The Lounge > are men 2nd class citizens on child custody

are men 2nd class citizens on child custody

Jump to: Newest in thread

 

By (user no longer on site) OP     over a year ago

just a thought as know many that cannot get to see their kids let alone get custody of them (even if only for a weekend) which I think is wrong afterall not all men are bad just the relationship with the mother that went bad

Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote or View forums list

 

By (user no longer on site)  over a year ago

i dont have any kids or anything but i just want to say i agree with this

Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote or View forums list

 

By (user no longer on site)  over a year ago

I agree all dads should see there kids, but what the Op says is not the case most of the time. Both kev and myself have been through court with our kids so have experience from both sides. If the child is no danger of mental or physical harm a father will get access to there kids.

kat

Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote or View forums list

 

By *unterslickCouple  over a year ago

tullamore


"I agree all dads should see there kids, but what the Op says is not the case most of the time. Both kev and myself have been through court with our kids so have experience from both sides. If the child is no danger of mental or physical harm a father will get access to there kids.

kat "

well my ex had me barred from seeing my kids for 2 years in which time she put them in care,for 2 years i couldnt even ring my kids so i went to england,and while there she put them in care,made allegations against me to kops and social workers,the lot,i fought everyone of them when i found out that she had done all this,now the kids live with me and julie,and they see theyr mum,for 2 hrs every friday,when she can be bothered to show up,,,,,

kids are still in care of the state but live with us full time,its a long hard fight,and plenty of arguments with judges social workers etc,but worth it cause at the end of the day,they are my kids,,,and that to me is worth more than anything in this world

Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote or View forums list

 

By (user no longer on site)  over a year ago

as a divorced father of two young children i count myself lucky that i have no access problems when it comes to seeing them.

even though me and my ex still have our ups and down she is aware that whatever our problems the children shouldn't suffer.

i see them every weekend without fail and as often as possible during the holidays.

my heart goes out to not just the fathers who have problems getting access to their children but also to the mothers out there that have to bring up their children without any help from absent fathers.

Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote or View forums list

 

By (user no longer on site)  over a year ago

When my marriage broke down my initial thought was to move as far away from my ex as possible, but my love for my children outweighed any animosity I felt.

Their dad was there from day one of their lives: his love and pride for them was never in question. To move them from him would have hurt not only him (I didn't care) but devastated my children (cared), so I moved just four miles away. He was able to pick them up from school, feed them and keep in contact. Without social services/CSA he supported his children and continued to see them every day.

In time we got on. We spend birthdays, anniversaries as a family. When our eldest is in the country we go for lunch as a family. We moved our youngest to uni in Derby together and visit her together.

I've been helping and guiding him through TUPE he helps with my plumbing.

Our divorce could have been acrimonious but there was no one else involved in our break up, we did that ourselves. Neither of us was going to make our kids suffer: they were and are our centre.

I don't understand how some parents make it so difficult for their children.

Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote or View forums list

 

By (user no longer on site)  over a year ago

Yes.

Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote or View forums list

 

By (user no longer on site)  over a year ago


"as a divorced father of two young children i count myself lucky that i have no access problems when it comes to seeing them.

even though me and my ex still have our ups and down she is aware that whatever our problems the children shouldn't suffer.

i see them every weekend without fail and as often as possible during the holidays.

my heart goes out to not just the fathers who have problems getting access to their children but also to the mothers out there that have to bring up their children without any help from absent fathers.

"

Lovely to hear your ex is not making it difficult to see your kids. My ex and I had our ups and downs to start, our kids are 19, 23 and 28 and can have mum and dad in the same room without war breaking out.

It makes a difference I think to how they develop.

Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote or View forums list

 

By (user no longer on site)  over a year ago

i think its just more common for kids to stay with their mums, but courts will never stop a dads from seeing their kids unless they have good reason

Courts will not stop a child from seeing its dad just because the mum says so, sorry but thats just rubbish, i know a lot of men who have not been able to see their kids while it goes thro court because the mother is using their kids as pawns in their getting back at the ex game, but soon as it goes thro court that changes

Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote or View forums list

 

By (user no longer on site)  over a year ago

My ex moved to New Zealand as soon as we split, my kids now adults have never seen him once in all that time, except my daughter had a visit from him when he wanted to see his grandson, but after that, again his enthusiasm waned.

I never stopped him seeing his children although I did ask him why he would never visit or keep in touch with them.

He said it would hurt him too much to see them then have to leave again.

So he abandoned us instead.

A lot less painful for the children and I........NOT!

Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote or View forums list

 

By (user no longer on site)  over a year ago

I always allowed my kids to see their father and vice versa, i never barred him from seeing them even though when he took them to London to see his parents, he got so d*unk they were almost taken off him by social services. They knew what he was like and the older they got they wisened up and when he moved to gloucester, they chose to see him; if he was d*unk, they wouldnt bother. In fact i believe my son had less patience and cared less than his sister, however when the hospital called to say that his organs were failing and they wanted to let him go, both kids went straight to the hospital and watched him go I do believe that my son probably struggled as to what was the right thing to do given his fathers behaviour towards me (and them) when they were young but was as upset as his sister, and organised a Charlton Athletic football shirt for him and his sister to wear at the funeral, complete with Dad 1 on it, it hangs on his wall along with the poems they wrote

I personally think that most women that bar the father from seeing the kids, do it out of spite, for their own selfishness. Its not nice, children have 2 parents, it takes 2 people to make a baby not one. Whats worse is the psychological effect it has on the kids, i know ive been there. Whilst i saw my dad whenever i wanted, my mothers behaviour leading up to the split, taking me and my brother away whilst my dad was at work, will live with me forever, it made me feel like i did something wrong. And the "stepfather" wasnt the nicest of people either but thats another story

My daughters boyfriend has a child with another woman, he has had to fight through the court to see her, won a 2 hr visit once a month, at a special place unsupervised because of the lies this dreadful girl (pushed and bullied by her mother) has said. He is not any of the things she has said at all.

I think the court should take more notice, and investigate more when there is a custody battle, rather than just give custody automatically to the mother. Lets face it, judging by a comment from someone above, they are not always the best person and ive met someone who had exactly the same, all three boys live with him, she never bothers with them and they dont even know where she lives now

Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote or View forums list

 

By *b430Man  over a year ago

Tayside


".....

sorry but thats just rubbish,

.......

but soon as it goes thro court that changes"

No it isn't rubbish!

No it isn't "as soon as" - It can take years (7 in my case) and a hell of a lot of my own money (won't say how much cause it might make me cry again! ) to win the court case, prove her to be a liar and still the mum can stop the kids from seeing you and the courts do nothing to punish her, cause she's their mum!

Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote or View forums list

 

By *nvictusMan  over a year ago

Beeston


"as a divorced father of two young children i count myself lucky that i have no access problems when it comes to seeing them.

even though me and my ex still have our ups and down she is aware that whatever our problems the children shouldn't suffer.

i see them every weekend without fail and as often as possible during the holidays.

my heart goes out to not just the fathers who have problems getting access to their children but also to the mothers out there that have to bring up their children without any help from absent fathers.

"

It's nice to hear a positive outcome on this. I separated with my wife last year and we have no issues regarding our son, we are lucky to still be good friends and realise that he comes first.

I really do feel for fathers (or mothers for that matter) who don't get to see their children.

Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote or View forums list

 

By *he_original_poloWoman  over a year ago

a Primark shoebox in Leicester

Judging by the number of guys on here who have their kids at weekends... I recon the answer is 'no'.

Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote or View forums list

 

By *mumaWoman  over a year ago

Livingston

Scottish law is different in many cases but when me and the arsewipe (it's a term of endearment) split up, rather than drag our daughter through court (as at the age of 8, she would have been called to put her side over), we asked her what she wanted and that all would accept and live by whatever the outcome.

Subsequently, she lives a week with me and a week with him, 5 years on this is still a great agreement for all.

For all that went wrong with me and him, I could never sa anything other than that he is a wonderful dad who loves shorty to bits. x

Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote or View forums list

 

By (user no longer on site)  over a year ago


".....

sorry but thats just rubbish,

.......

but soon as it goes thro court that changes

No it isn't rubbish!

No it isn't "as soon as" - It can take years (7 in my case) and a hell of a lot of my own money (won't say how much cause it might make me cry again! ) to win the court case, prove her to be a liar and still the mum can stop the kids from seeing you and the courts do nothing to punish her, cause she's their mum! "

ive had the same problem

Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote or View forums list

 

By (user no longer on site)  over a year ago


".....

sorry but thats just rubbish,

.......

but soon as it goes thro court that changes

No it isn't rubbish!

No it isn't "as soon as" - It can take years (7 in my case) and a hell of a lot of my own money (won't say how much cause it might make me cry again! ) to win the court case, prove her to be a liar and still the mum can stop the kids from seeing you and the courts do nothing to punish her, cause she's their mum! "

If a mother or father breech a court order the court can issue community service and even prison if its a repeat offence, so no the courts don't do nothing.

Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote or View forums list

 

By *unterslickCouple  over a year ago

tullamore


".....

sorry but thats just rubbish,

.......

but soon as it goes thro court that changes

No it isn't rubbish!

No it isn't "as soon as" - It can take years (7 in my case) and a hell of a lot of my own money (won't say how much cause it might make me cry again! ) to win the court case, prove her to be a liar and still the mum can stop the kids from seeing you and the courts do nothing to punish her, cause she's their mum!

If a mother or father breech a court order the court can issue community service and even prison if its a repeat offence, so no the courts don't do nothing."

i was arrested and sent to jail for missing maintenance,i didnt even know there was a maintenance order out for me,,,i paid it all,and 2 months later i was 5 pound short and was arrested agin and put in prison,,,yet she could miss all my supposed visits sett up tru the court and not a thing would be said to her,a system it was a fair one not a hope,but its getting better every day

Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote or View forums list

 

By *ne ShotMan  over a year ago

Manchester

When child custody reaches the courts if the father or the mother Have the same standing, such as income both can provide same level of care and both are law abiding citizens, the courts will side with the mothers.

It sounds unfair but i beleive that the courts constantly find in favour of the mother. The courts believing a child is dependant more on the mother than the fathers

I feel child custody laws need overhauling. There are many males who have had to leave there family home simply because the female has got bored with him and wants a new model and then tells her partner this and so the man has to leave usually having to pay rent to provide shelter for himself whilst still paying money to his x on a house he no longer lives in.

If the courts were always right there would be no need for digruntled and unfairly treated fathers forming and joining groups such as fathers for justice.

Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote or View forums list

 

By *iamondsmiles.Woman  over a year ago

little house on the praire

My ex used to have my son friday after school until monday morning every other weekend. Half the holidays and every alternate christmas day. My son moved in with him when he was 16 so he could be near the college he wanted to go to. Never once did it cross my mind not to let my ex have access. He would of had more if he lived nearer

Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote or View forums list

 

By *edhotminxWoman  over a year ago

Turn left at the Singing Ringing Tree

A very emotive subject and everyone who has been in this position will have their own personal experiences to draw on.

At the end of the day it should be about the children, unfortunately some people use the children as bargaining tools and they are held up for hostage negotiations. I used to work as a legal secretary handling divorces, so could tell you some horror stories of male and female parents pulling all sorts of tricks to stop their other half seeing them.

Am sure that my ex has told all and sundry that I have stopped him seeing his children - which is blatantly untrue. We have joint custody, although nothing formerly written down via the Courts. He took the decision to move back upcountry and so the kids live with me because their school and friends are here. However they soon got fed up with 7 hr round trips to see him every other weekend and being teenagers are more interested in their friends. Now he sees them every few months, if we're lucky, and even when I suggest that he has them for the whole week at half term - he only ever sees them for 3 days max!

Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote or View forums list

 

By (user no longer on site)  over a year ago

My ex left and not once in those 3 years did I ever ever stop him seeing the kids or calling them. He has access every tues and thursday evening and every other weekend. It however is his choice not to take that access up!!! First after 6 months he cancelled coming on tuesday evenings as was finding the travelling too much ( he only live 40 mins away!!!) Then he cancelled coming on a thursday no reason given. Then 6 months ago he cancelled one weekend a month. All of this his choice with very little explanation. Oh and he NEVER EVER calls them in between seeing them. It has come to the poing where I have given up trying to get him more involved in their lives. I will just let him carry on digging his own hole as he needs no assistance from me.

I agree that the kids need their father in their lives and have bent over backwards in the last 3 years to accomodate him. Cancelling my plans and even a holiday which I lost the deposit for so he would swap weekends only for him not to turn up. Being abused by phone and text message by his very insecure young wife. I never call him unless its and emergency and there has only been one of those in 3 years and never ask him for any extra money. I don't want it and If I could afford to pay for the kids on my own I would tell him where to shove his money.

However, an unreliable father is worse than a completely absent one in my opinion.

My daughter is nearly 12 and she is coming to the point where she wants to be doing other things. She says to me if dad cant be bothered why should I. He is half way to losing her completely. And the other 2 are not far behind.

The three of them are far more settled when he stays away. When he turns up when it suits him and messes them around I have to deal with the aftermath.

My son crying cos he thinks daddy doesn't love him. My daughter climbing into my bed saying why are the men in our family so unreliable and my other son scared to death because his step mother hit him!!

So to all you seperated or divorced fathers out there to the ones that put your kids first no matter whatand get on with being good parents well done to you. To all the others if you think that being a part time father dropping in and out when it suits you is ok IT'S DAMN WELL NOT. Its heartbreaking to watch and you'd be better of buggering off and leaving us to get on with the job of being a parent on our own.

Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote or View forums list

 

By (user no longer on site)  over a year ago

How right you are my ex wife cheated on me with the next-door neighbour she was having the affair for few years as I was working in Liverpool city centre when I found out I walked out on her banged in for a divorce, she found out first by a so called friend I was putting in for divorce she got there before me and had a cheek to do me for indecent behaviour, just to cut along story short I signed it and put in for access for my children with working all over the uk at the time my days was changed through seeing the children had to swap days ,then one day I had letter from court to say I could no longer see the children as she was getting married plus I kept changing my days but why the fuck do the courts take the woman’s word over us guys, she never complains when she getting CSA for them even I cant see them she rings my phone up demanding more money from us ?

Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote or View forums list

 

By (user no longer on site)  over a year ago

I have certain problems with my ex partner.

I used to work A LOT of hours per week [Average 85] to keep the house running, car running, good life for kids, etc etc.

She started inviting a guy around to our house while I was at work, this guy was actually an employee of mine!!!

We have young twin children and she walked out a month after their 1st birthday, and went down to London to meet a guy she knew on the internet through an online game!

They got engaged within two weeks, and she then split with him within two months!

Non the less I obviously had to leave my job and take on a part time position elsewhere as I was on my own raising the children.

Moving on...

I got together with an old friend and things are great... for one we are here, but I am currently playing alone as she is on 'pregnancy leave' lol

Anyway, my twin children live with us, yet my ex partner is now again pregnant and looking to gain social housing as a result, yet telling people she will be having the twins too living with her and partner and new baby.

There is no formal [courts] arrangement on the children's living, and my worry now is she can effectivly 'snatch' them when she has them on a saturday for a few hours and not return?

I am worried to approach the courts as the system is still very archaic and favours the mother in the majority of cases

Not great really!

Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote or View forums list

 

By *b430Man  over a year ago

Tayside


".....

sorry but thats just rubbish,

.......

but soon as it goes thro court that changes

No it isn't rubbish!

No it isn't "as soon as" - It can take years (7 in my case) and a hell of a lot of my own money (won't say how much cause it might make me cry again! ) to win the court case, prove her to be a liar and still the mum can stop the kids from seeing you and the courts do nothing to punish her, cause she's their mum!

If a mother or father breech a court order the court can issue community service and even prison if its a repeat offence, so no the courts don't do nothing."

The courts may have the powers to punish the mothers but very very rarely use them.

While my case was going on there was a mother who was sent to prison (first time in prison) for breaching a court order for the 7th time - yup 7th time!

The court had done nothing to her the previous 6 times as "she was the kids mum" and it wasn't until the dad had proved she was also a liar that the court agreed that he could have custody and therefore look after the kids fulltime while the mother was in prison!

It was also so rare it made news headlines here as it had been the first time a mother had been sent to prison (in this area) in over 5 years for breaching a court order!

The moral of the story is that if you are a mother you get to do what you like and it's usually funded by the Legal Aid system, but fathers need to spend years of their lives and their OWN money (not Legal Aid) to prove that the mother is not always the one telling the truth; as this is what courts believe to start with (in most cases).

Disclaimer - Scots Law applies here! i.e. thats my experience of how unfair the Court's Child Welfare Hearing system really is!

Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote or View forums list

 

By *leasureDomeMan  over a year ago

all over the place

I think its really cruel of any parent to deny access (especially to the children) unless due to reasons of potential harm or risk of kidnap.

Change is on the way though this year

where the courts are moving to shared parentage options, rather than formal single custody.

No longer will people be able to use there kids as weapons in a pointless post relationship battle.

Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote or View forums list

 

By (user no longer on site)  over a year ago


"I have certain problems with my ex partner.

I used to work A LOT of hours per week [Average 85] to keep the house running, car running, good life for kids, etc etc.

She started inviting a guy around to our house while I was at work, this guy was actually an employee of mine!!!

We have young twin children and she walked out a month after their 1st birthday, and went down to London to meet a guy she knew on the internet through an online game!

They got engaged within two weeks, and she then split with him within two months!

Non the less I obviously had to leave my job and take on a part time position elsewhere as I was on my own raising the children.

Moving on...

I got together with an old friend and things are great... for one we are here, but I am currently playing alone as she is on 'pregnancy leave' lol

Anyway, my twin children live with us, yet my ex partner is now again pregnant and looking to gain social housing as a result, yet telling people she will be having the twins too living with her and partner and new baby.

There is no formal [courts] arrangement on the children's living, and my worry now is she can effectivly 'snatch' them when she has them on a saturday for a few hours and not return?

I am worried to approach the courts as the system is still very archaic and favours the mother in the majority of cases

Not great really!"

If i were you, i would seek legal advice as i know in the reverse a mother can write a letter stating that she shares custody and the council would then allocate a property to fit their criteria ie not a one bed need but a two, however i am not sure what happens in your case.

Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote or View forums list

 

By (user no longer on site)  over a year ago

Not all men. My brother could see his kids a lot more than he does but he chooses not to cos he somehow thinks it's punishing his ex wife

Twisted logic

That and the fact he's a fucking arse

Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote or View forums list

 

By *ne ShotMan  over a year ago

Manchester


"Not all men. My brother could see his kids a lot more than he does but he chooses not to cos he somehow thinks it's punishing his ex wife

Twisted logic

That and the fact he's a fucking arse"

Talk about cutting his own nose of to spite his own face.

Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote or View forums list

 

By (user no longer on site)  over a year ago


"

The moral of the story is that if you are a mother you get to do what you like and it's usually funded by the Legal Aid system, but fathers need to spend years of their lives and their OWN money (not Legal Aid) to prove that the mother is not always the one telling the truth; as this is what courts believe to start with (in most cases).

"

Sorry but what a load of tosh.

If myself as a mother, were allowed to do what i want and get away with it i would have saved both myself and most importantly my daughter over 7 years of hell at the hands of her father and step mum. Iv been served with papers for breeching our court order over 5 times because i put my daughters, feelings, wants, needs and her best interests first.

The problems with the courts is common sense NEVER comes into the equation, what the law states is all that matters, the end result of this is time and time again my daughter is forced to go to her fathers when she is addement, even to the point of breaking down at school in front of her teachers begging not to have to go to her dads.

Why?? because the court order says shes got to, until yet another caffcass report is done to find out what the issues are, which takes weeks if not months which gives good old daddy time to play a clever game and buy her love yet again. which unfortunatly works with a 5/6/7/8/9/10 year old.

Thankfully this is no longer working and my daughter see's her father for what he is and although she still goes, she is slowly but surely cutting back time with him, which is her choice, now she is at an age where she herself can turn to her dad and say, no im not coming because.... instead of me having having to fight for her, there is little her father can do.

Thankfully now she is 11 she is realising what a selfish, spineless git her father is unfortunately the damage is already done and its been all his own doing, and in the process he as robbed my daughter of a carefree child hood, instead filling it with caffcass reporters (which she hates), court dates and worries. Its also had a serious impact on her schooling. She is far too mature for her age and i constantly worry what lasting effects it will have on her.

Its been seven years of hell for my daughter and i hate her father passionately for it, im just thankful that we are close enough for her to come to me with her worries and i can keep her on the straight and narrow, although its been a hard slog constantly feeling like its 2 steps forward and 3 steps back.

Sorry that turned out to be a serious rant.

kat

Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote or View forums list

 

By *ne ShotMan  over a year ago

Manchester

A friend and his mrs were married without the ring i think the term is commmon law. They had one daugter My friends common law wife died in a car crash. My friend was out with me and some other friends when the news broke.

His inlaws later applied for custody of his daughter they won, Then they moved a long way making it immpossible for my friend to get to see his own daughter much. I think you can gauge my feelings on judges decisions and thought processes.

Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote or View forums list

 

By *b430Man  over a year ago

Tayside


"

The moral of the story is that if you are a mother you get to do what you like and it's usually funded by the Legal Aid system, but fathers need to spend years of their lives and their OWN money (not Legal Aid) to prove that the mother is not always the one telling the truth; as this is what courts believe to start with (in most cases).

Sorry but what a load of tosh.

"

No it's not! That's exactly what happened in my case - or are you saying it isn't?

Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote or View forums list

 

By (user no longer on site)  over a year ago


"

The moral of the story is that if you are a mother you get to do what you like and it's usually funded by the Legal Aid system, but fathers need to spend years of their lives and their OWN money (not Legal Aid) to prove that the mother is not always the one telling the truth; as this is what courts believe to start with (in most cases).

Sorry but what a load of tosh.

No it's not! That's exactly what happened in my case - or are you saying it isn't? "

Quite clearly it is as my case proves.

Obviously all cases are different but such a statement of

'The moral of the story is that if you are a mother you get to do what you like'

Then to go on and also say in most cases all mother scrounge of the legal aid system is a load of tosh.

Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote or View forums list

 

By *ne ShotMan  over a year ago

Manchester


"

The moral of the story is that if you are a mother you get to do what you like and it's usually funded by the Legal Aid system, but fathers need to spend years of their lives and their OWN money (not Legal Aid) to prove that the mother is not always the one telling the truth; as this is what courts believe to start with (in most cases).

Sorry but what a load of tosh.

No it's not! That's exactly what happened in my case - or are you saying it isn't? "

if the judge had awarded custody to the mother ,,,,,as is very much often the case. It is then very much up to the father to challenge the judges ruling ,,,,,more times than not at his own expense BBS tale appears to be one of thousands of fathers seeking not only justice but the chance to continue to be a part of there childrens lives after the relationship with the mother has ended.

Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote or View forums list

 

By *atisfy janeWoman  over a year ago

Torquay

Legal Aid is (was) awarded on the strength of two factors.....the post tax annual income of the individual, and secondly on the merits of the case.

It doesn't favour women over men in the case of child custody cases, when Legal Aid is (was) denied then a written explanation is given in ALL cases.

Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote or View forums list

 

By *b430Man  over a year ago

Tayside


"

The moral of the story is that if you are a mother you get to do what you like and it's usually funded by the Legal Aid system, but fathers need to spend years of their lives and their OWN money (not Legal Aid) to prove that the mother is not always the one telling the truth; as this is what courts believe to start with (in most cases).

Sorry but what a load of tosh.

No it's not! That's exactly what happened in my case - or are you saying it isn't?

Quite clearly it is as my case proves.

Obviously all cases are different but such a statement of

'The moral of the story is that if you are a mother you get to do what you like'

Then to go on and also say in most cases all mother scrounge of the legal aid system is a load of tosh. "

That's not what I said - but will leave you now to add words like scrounge to the post when I didn't.

PS - You did fail to spot the that I didn't say in ALL cases

Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote or View forums list

 

By (user no longer on site)  over a year ago


"

The moral of the story is that if you are a mother you get to do what you like and it's usually funded by the Legal Aid system, but fathers need to spend years of their lives and their OWN money (not Legal Aid) to prove that the mother is not always the one telling the truth; as this is what courts believe to start with (in most cases).

Sorry but what a load of tosh.

No it's not! That's exactly what happened in my case - or are you saying it isn't?

Quite clearly it is as my case proves.

Obviously all cases are different but such a statement of

'The moral of the story is that if you are a mother you get to do what you like'

Then to go on and also say in most cases all mother scrounge of the legal aid system is a load of tosh.

That's not what I said - but will leave you now to add words like scrounge to the post when I didn't.

PS - You did fail to spot the that I didn't say in ALL cases

"

Fair enough YOU didn't say scrounge that was my word and that was also my interpretation of what you ment.

What i am trying to show you is the FACT it is not always this way, everyone is so up and arms over there rights that people (and this is not aimed you) forget that the kids are the ones who suffer, and suffer in ways you could never image or expect or second guess. I know i see it and deal with it every day.

While mummy and daddy argue the toss in court, firmly believing that what they are fighting for is what is best for the child, sight if the most important thing is lost...the child. Whose biggest wish 9 times out of 10 is for the fighting to stop.

I could go on and on, on this subject as it does touch a nerve, sorry if i offended/pissed you off.

kat

Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote or View forums list

 

By (user no longer on site)  over a year ago


"I have certain problems with my ex partner.

I used to work A LOT of hours per week [Average 85] to keep the house running, car running, good life for kids, etc etc.

She started inviting a guy around to our house while I was at work, this guy was actually an employee of mine!!!

We have young twin children and she walked out a month after their 1st birthday, and went down to London to meet a guy she knew on the internet through an online game!

They got engaged within two weeks, and she then split with him within two months!

Non the less I obviously had to leave my job and take on a part time position elsewhere as I was on my own raising the children.

Moving on...

I got together with an old friend and things are great... for one we are here, but I am currently playing alone as she is on 'pregnancy leave' lol

Anyway, my twin children live with us, yet my ex partner is now again pregnant and looking to gain social housing as a result, yet telling people she will be having the twins too living with her and partner and new baby.

There is no formal [courts] arrangement on the children's living, and my worry now is she can effectivly 'snatch' them when she has them on a saturday for a few hours and not return?

I am worried to approach the courts as the system is still very archaic and favours the mother in the majority of cases

Not great really!

-----

If i were you, i would seek legal advice as i know in the reverse a mother can write a letter stating that she shares custody and the council would then allocate a property to fit their criteria ie not a one bed need but a two, however i am not sure what happens in your case."

Sure am, have an appointment with a solicitor later this month.

End of the day I have gotten my twins into a routine, they attend a nursery monday - friday while my partner and I work, which has certainly increased their development tenfold!

Unfortunatly on the occasions my ex does have them she stuff them full of chocolate and other "treats" like normal meals, and that makes them think it's ok to have these things rather than eat balanced foods, etc.

Just hope when it all comes to a head the courts can actually see what it is I have done for them, and how I am maintaining them in a good and regular lifestyle.

Unfortunatly she has a wildcard she likes to throw about... accusations of domestic violence! These accusations only emerged after we split, so there is no proof of such a thing, however it's never seen like that, unfortunatly she says this and all of a sudden I am the class 1 bastard, even though it is not true, I cannot prove it to be untrue.

Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote or View forums list

 

By *ummy mummyWoman  over a year ago

southampton-ish


"When my marriage broke down my initial thought was to move as far away from my ex as possible, but my love for my children outweighed any animosity I felt.

Their dad was there from day one of their lives: his love and pride for them was never in question. To move them from him would have hurt not only him (I didn't care) but devastated my children (cared), so I moved just four miles away. He was able to pick them up from school, feed them and keep in contact. Without social services/CSA he supported his children and continued to see them every day.

In time we got on. We spend birthdays, anniversaries as a family. When our eldest is in the country we go for lunch as a family. We moved our youngest to uni in Derby together and visit her together.

I've been helping and guiding him through TUPE he helps with my plumbing.

Our divorce could have been acrimonious but there was no one else involved in our break up, we did that ourselves. Neither of us was going to make our kids suffer: they were and are our centre.

I don't understand how some parents make it so difficult for their children. "

I know that a lot of my friends back home do not understand my reasons for staying here in the uk after my husband left me when our son was 2 and the twins 4 months old, but my answer was simple..not matter what he had said or done to me, he loved his kids and would do anything for them and I would never ever take them away from him.It has been a very hard 3 and a bit years, but at least finally he has seen the light in that it is so much better if we are amicable, something I was trying for from the start.He has them every weekend and will sometimes helkp out with the school runs etc. Even when he really pisses me off, I have never talked bad about him in front of the kids, would not have been fair on them

Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote or View forums list

 

By (user no longer on site)  over a year ago

i went through the courts, and ended up getting custody of my son, but it was hard work. they allways go on the mothers side, even when their not right in there head like my ex wife.

then small things like nappy changing if your out in a public place, you carnt do it in a mans loo, and you carnt go in females loos to do it.

then you get oh aint you sweet brining him up. silly things like that, got on my nerves. not to bad now hes 17 the nightmare begins lol

Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote or View forums list

 

By (user no longer on site)  over a year ago


"i went through the courts, and ended up getting custody of my son, but it was hard work. they allways go on the mothers side, even when their not right in there head like my ex wife.

then small things like nappy changing if your out in a public place, you carnt do it in a mans loo, and you carnt go in females loos to do it.

then you get oh aint you sweet brining him up. silly things like that, got on my nerves. not to bad now hes 17 the nightmare begins lol"

I can empathsise with this absolutely!

Comments such as...

"Isn't it strange being the dad and bringing up your children"

"WOW, must be difficult without their mum"

"I don;t know how you manage"

WHY!?! Is it because I don't have a pair of milk jugs on my chest, or a womb that carried them for 9 months??Does that make me physically or emotionally devoid of the instinct needed to raise my children properly and effectively? I think not

Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote or View forums list

 

By (user no longer on site)  over a year ago

totally agree m8,

Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote or View forums list

 

By *ertnbeckyCouple  over a year ago

oldham


".....

sorry but thats just rubbish,

.......

but soon as it goes thro court that changes

No it isn't rubbish!

No it isn't "as soon as" - It can take years (7 in my case) and a hell of a lot of my own money (won't say how much cause it might make me cry again! ) to win the court case, prove her to be a liar and still the mum can stop the kids from seeing you and the courts do nothing to punish her, cause she's their mum! "

true i was lucky it only took me two years to get to see my daughter. some people on here annoy me when they talk shite on such serious subjects

Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote or View forums list

 

By *ugby 123Couple  over a year ago
Forum Mod

O o O oo

[Removed by poster at 10/02/11 23:24:56]

Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote or View forums list

 

By *ugby 123Couple  over a year ago
Forum Mod

O o O oo


"I think its really cruel of any parent to deny access (especially to the children) unless due to reasons of potential harm or risk of kidnap.

Change is on the way though this year

where the courts are moving to shared parentage options, rather than formal single custody.

No longer will people be able to use there kids as weapons in a pointless post relationship battle. "

Of course they can in probably a more underhand way.

I am obviously not saying this is the case for everyone but manipulating your own child so they feel so guilty and then decide they don't want to see their father incase it looks disloyal to their mother happens all the time.

The dad has no chance if you have a mother crying in front of her children about what a bad time she is having because their dad has left as it makes them take sides...which in turn could make the child say they don't want to see their dad at all.

Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote or View forums list

 

By *ummy mummyWoman  over a year ago

southampton-ish

have to add that men can also be quite spiteful in court...as I said above I have an ok relationship with my ex now, but about 18 months ago he took me to court, telling the court that I was plotting to flee the country with the children, that my family and I had been planning it for ages. And that he was worried about the kids health as my house was so unsanitary...everything he wrote in his 5 page statement to the court was complete bullshit. Did I stop him from seeing the kids though? no I suggested that we get joint residency .Yes he was hurting me with all he was saying but I still stuck to my guns that they needed their dad.

Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote or View forums list

 

By (user no longer on site)  over a year ago


"I think its really cruel of any parent to deny access (especially to the children) unless due to reasons of potential harm or risk of kidnap.

Change is on the way though this year

where the courts are moving to shared parentage options, rather than formal single custody.

No longer will people be able to use there kids as weapons in a pointless post relationship battle.

Of course they can in probably a more underhand way.

I am obviously not saying this is the case for everyone but manipulating your own child so they feel so guilty and then decide they don't want to see their father incase it looks disloyal to their mother happens all the time.

The dad has no chance if you have a mother crying in front of her children about what a bad time she is having because their dad has left as it makes them take sides...which in turn could make the child say they don't want to see their dad at all."

Very true, but it works both ways, a father can and do exactly the same.

Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote or View forums list

 

By (user no longer on site)  over a year ago

thats one thing i never did, i never put my sons mum down, he asked why his mum left so i told him when he was old enough to understand.

Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote or View forums list

 

By *ugby 123Couple  over a year ago
Forum Mod

O o O oo

The only people I know who did it were women and mainly as they had the custody and why I mentioned women.

I don't know any men who have custody so don't know on that score.

Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote or View forums list

 

By (user no longer on site)  over a year ago

my fella met his ex wife she was 22 hes was 36 she had 2 kids aged 2 and 3 ...they had no home just a binliner of clothes...but he fell for her loved the kids he moved them in they had another child together and were married bout 2 yrs later..

his ex had everything she wanted, new car, credit cards, holidays, he spent a fortune converting his 2 bedroomed house in a 4 bedroomed, she didnt work he worked all hrs, she did nothing rounds the house he did all the out of school activities with the girls and they loved him yhe 2 eldest called him daddy as there real dad was not on the scene.

anyway to cut a long story short, she had several affairs, he forgave because of the kids but then she basically ran off with a rep form his work took all 3 girls to scotland to live..the eldest was 11 at this time, 6 weeks later his ex called him and said "if u dont come and get kerry shes going into care" he drove all the way to scotland from yorkshire to be greeted by the exes new fella throwing an 11 yr hysterical childs belongings out into the garden..with the ex mother in law shreiking to kerry £see what uve done u evil bitch" chris was clam took kerry home, shes now nearly 15 shes not an easy child , her own mother married this guy last yr and a week before the wedding rang chris to say she didnt want her to go as she would spoil her big day!!

but get this he is bringing up HER daughter with £5 a week maintenance but she has not let him see his biological daughter for 3 years,whos now 8 .

hes just had a 2 1/2 yr court battle and after endless trips up to scotland he has now been granted visitation , the stress and upset for both him and kerry has been unbeleivable...chrises ex has never once wanted to see kerry her own daughter yet deprived him of 3 years of is 8 yr olds life, which he will never get back.

but even now chris still thinks that it is in kerrys best interest to try and form some sort of bond with her mum..

i cud go on and on, oh she also got £26,000 out of that marriage when she didnt contribute, work or anything , chrsi wasnt even allowed to speak to the girls in all this time..like i said i cud go on and on but i wont ....but basically yes men do get a raw deal

Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote or View forums list

 

By *ytraCouple  over a year ago

Wrexham

I think the courts can be way to biased against men when it comes to kids.

I left my sons mother when he was just over 1, she was abusive towards me and one day I just left, that was in a way the worst thing I could have done as from the minute I left she denied me any access to my son and also refused to let his grandmother see him.

The reason for wanting custody apart from the obvious was that his mother was abusive and the then bloke she was living with, was, until he met her living in a campervan, he moved in within a week of meeting her and he also had a court order against him from his ex banning him from spending time alone with his kids. In my opinion they were not suitable to be bringing up children.

So I took this to court to get PR and try for custody, fat lot of good that did all I managed to get out of it was weekend access and the PR.

Since she got custody the amount of things she has got away with is stupid and should have been locked up a number of times but for some reason she always gets away with things Sorry rant over

Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote or View forums list

 

By (user no longer on site)  over a year ago


"The only people I know who did it were women and mainly as they had the custody and why I mentioned women.

I don't know any men who have custody so don't know on that score."

They dont have to have custody to manipulate there children for there own selfish wants.

Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote or View forums list

 

By *b430Man  over a year ago

Tayside


"The only people I know who did it were women and mainly as they had the custody and why I mentioned women.

I don't know any men who have custody so don't know on that score.

They dont have to have custody to manipulate there children for there own selfish wants."

But it is a hell of a lot easier for the parent with custody to do the manipulating, especially when they stop the kids seeing the other parent therefore they have no chance to say anything to their own kids!

In short, it works both ways and no parent should use the kids against the other!

Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote or View forums list

 

By *ugby 123Couple  over a year ago
Forum Mod

O o O oo

This is very true.

I was just commenting on the custody thing as the people I knew had custody and it was the only people I knew about.

One of the people has admitted since that she did exactly that and manipulated her kids, half out of being hurt as her husband had found someone else and half out of being scared that her kids might want to live with their dad when he moved in with the new G/F. She also regrets doing it big time and admits to being really bitter for a long while.

Happily once she got over him leaving her, she stopped using the kids.

As you say though, I am sure it isn't just women who use their kids to get what they want.

Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote or View forums list

 

By (user no longer on site)  over a year ago

[Removed by poster at 11/02/11 01:23:37]

Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote or View forums list

 

By (user no longer on site)  over a year ago

been in a possition of not living with my children twice now but would like to say to all the guys out there thats going through it at this momment in time you never lose their love and as they get older they make their own minds up

Sam

Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote or View forums list

 

By (user no longer on site) OP     over a year ago

isnt it a shame that the only people that we talk about are the adults and how they will always put their children first, when actually they are really putting themselves first

i believe that men do get a very raw deal when it comes to being given custody of their own children and that the legal system in this country is so very biaised

on the other hand sometimes i believe that it is actually the children that should be asked first and foremost which parent they would prefer to live with (if they are old enough and able to say without being coaxed to say one against the other),

my ex brother-in-law quite a few years back was told by his solicitor that as his children were over 11 years old they had the choice as they were seen in the eyes of the law to be able to say who they would prefer to live with

they did choose and both chose their father and not because of their mother being vindictive but because their father was the person that they wanted to live with

cut my ex sister-in-law to the quick, but they see her just as much because they live in the same city and their relationship with both parents is very good and very stable now

children do have their own minds and their own opinions and it is such a shame that adults appear to think they know what is best for the children when, in fact, the children know what is best for them most of the time because children dont see grey areas all they really want is stability and routine otherwise they will always feel guilty for causing the split!

obviously when children are at risk then the authorities should step in, althought placing a child in care is definitely not the answer because that is a very traumatic experience too and then the long drawn out court system where each appearance means that all the dirty washing is aired in public has a detrimental effect on the children and as i said in my first post, it is the relationship between the parents that is beyond repair, not that of the children and so i gave my children the choice

they made their choice, my son lives with his dad, my daughter with me, but we both see them when they want to see us and i have told them both that any problems with either of us, then they sort them out with us individually because neither of us (me n my ex) want anything to do with each other

yes they are teenagers and yes they know exactly what went on, but end of the day its their choice and we never once went to court!

children will grow up and make their own decisions and it is not up to either parent to put into their minds the horrors of what happened between their parents, that is so wrong!

Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote or View forums list

 

By (user no longer on site) OP     over a year ago


"been in a possition of not living with my children twice now but would like to say to all the guys out there thats going through it at this momment in time you never lose their love and as they get older they make their own minds up

Sam "

just read this and agree with you totally because yes children do grow up as i say above and in the end they do what they want to do

Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote or View forums list

 

By (user no longer on site)  over a year ago


"isnt it a shame that the only people that we talk about are the adults and how they will always put their children first, when actually they are really putting themselves first

i believe that men do get a very raw deal when it comes to being given custody of their own children and that the legal system in this country is so very biaised

on the other hand sometimes i believe that it is actually the children that should be asked first and foremost which parent they would prefer to live with (if they are old enough and able to say without being coaxed to say one against the other),

my ex brother-in-law quite a few years back was told by his solicitor that as his children were over 11 years old they had the choice as they were seen in the eyes of the law to be able to say who they would prefer to live with

they did choose and both chose their father and not because of their mother being vindictive but because their father was the person that they wanted to live with

cut my ex sister-in-law to the quick, but they see her just as much because they live in the same city and their relationship with both parents is very good and very stable now

children do have their own minds and their own opinions and it is such a shame that adults appear to think they know what is best for the children when, in fact, the children know what is best for them most of the time because children dont see grey areas all they really want is stability and routine otherwise they will always feel guilty for causing the split!

obviously when children are at risk then the authorities should step in, althought placing a child in care is definitely not the answer because that is a very traumatic experience too and then the long drawn out court system where each appearance means that all the dirty washing is aired in public has a detrimental effect on the children and as i said in my first post, it is the relationship between the parents that is beyond repair, not that of the children and so i gave my children the choice

they made their choice, my son lives with his dad, my daughter with me, but we both see them when they want to see us and i have told them both that any problems with either of us, then they sort them out with us individually because neither of us (me n my ex) want anything to do with each other

yes they are teenagers and yes they know exactly what went on, but end of the day its their choice and we never once went to court!

children will grow up and make their own decisions and it is not up to either parent to put into their minds the horrors of what happened between their parents, that is so wrong!"

The downside of that is if one of the parents has been manipulative when the kids are little, as i know that has happened to a friend of mine, luckily his sons have seen her for what she is but his daughter hasnt and doesnt see him

Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote or View forums list

 

By (user no longer on site) OP     over a year ago

absolutely agree with you grey hun, there again thats the world we live in isnt it and adults do tend to put themselves before their children just because they cannot deal with the hurt

hope your friend's daughter does see through it in the end and if not at least gives your friend the chance to explain the other side of that story because there is always two sides even if the other side is not pleasant or extremely upsetting

Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote or View forums list

 

By *ustyWoman  over a year ago

inverclyde

i have the opposite with my now ex hubby, i had to fight to get him to pay maintenance in end had to get csa, he only sees his daughter when he feels like it and has not seen her since last august and before that it was march and then he only spent a few hrs with her as he had new lady in his life with him, and he wont break breath to me at all

Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote or View forums list

 

By (user no longer on site) OP     over a year ago


"i have the opposite with my now ex hubby, i had to fight to get him to pay maintenance in end had to get csa, he only sees his daughter when he feels like it and has not seen her since last august and before that it was march and then he only spent a few hrs with her as he had new lady in his life with him, and he wont break breath to me at all"

I so know there are men that want nothing to do with their children but those that do really do have a very raw deal and I hope your daughter is just as happy because you (her mum) cares so much about her x

Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote or View forums list

 

By *ustyWoman  over a year ago

inverclyde

oh yes i give her all the love possible and she has her gran as well who cares for her so after moving to a a place of our own after renting this is now our home and stuff her dad, we have furnished it with what we wnated and we decided on everything together and i support her with whatever she does at school and always will, my best friend as well at 14

Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote or View forums list

 

By (user no longer on site)  over a year ago

This is like a casting for Jeremy Kyle, I’m feeling so left out still being married to the father of my kids

Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote or View forums list

 

By (user no longer on site)  over a year ago

Many years ago I worked for an agency that helped fathers that were being given a rough deal via the courts.. now having spoken to many cafcas workers I can say that in the past that YES they are biased towards the mothers..

But that has all been changing lately... and the 4 days with one, and 4 with the other parent is now the prefered choice...

Parental aleination has finally been recognised for the poison to the children that it is... And its frowned upon big style now..

I would never nor have I ever, stopped my kids from seeing their Dad.... although its not taken advantage of much.

Katie, x

Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote or View forums list

  

By *ne ShotMan  over a year ago

Manchester


"Many years ago I worked for an agency that helped fathers that were being given a rough deal via the courts.. now having spoken to many cafcas workers I can say that in the past that YES they are biased towards the mothers..

But that has all been changing lately... and the 4 days with one, and 4 with the other parent is now the prefered choice...

Parental aleination has finally been recognised for the poison to the children that it is... And its frowned upon big style now..

I would never nor have I ever, stopped my kids from seeing their Dad.... although its not taken advantage of much.

Katie, x"

As a father (who has no issue with his x all amicable) i live in hope on what you say in your post for all the fathers who have been badly treated by the courts. Can there cases be reviewed ??

Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote or View forums list

» Add a new message to this topic

0.0937

0