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Staying for the kids...
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What does everyone else think? | |||
"I know this is likely to be a total divide on opinion and I've really enjoyed the discussion today about keeping a secret from a parent for a parent. A couple of comments there have made me wonder what the general _iews are on those who stay with a partner with whom they aren't in love... why would you stay? Don't you both deserve to be happy with other people? It's tricky for me because I don't have children but I have friends who are staying married because of the kids. They don't love their husband/wife yet they think 'that children from broken homes are fucked up' by a split family. My _iew is that you don't have to live with the mother/father of your kids to be a good parent. For the children to witness two people who aren't in love but simply stay together because they *think* that's the right thing to do, to me, is utterly bonkers. I feel that it can also be damaging for kids not to witness love between their parents. If I found out that my parents had stayed together because of us, I'd be really, really cross.
What does everyone else think? "I agree, with you _irtygirl. | |||
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I can still remember them having issues | |||
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"The best thing you can do for your children is to love your partner " Amen to that. | |||
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-Courtney | |||
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"I'm staying with my partner for my lads even at the ages of 17/22 my partner is more like a sister now " Why though? If it's not too personal to answer so publicly? I'd like to try and understand what the thought process is, especially with teenagers/older kids. The whole 'kids are fucked up' chat for me is too much of a generalisation. I think if you're a decent person and a decent parent then anything is possible but I'm really interested in other _iews. | |||
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" my mum and dad separated when I was 8, it was one of the best days of my life...... and they only got better as each day passed.
I can still remember them having issues"and my speech impediment that had blighted me, left within a year or so. | |||
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"I don't think unhappy people should stay together " | |||
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"An acquaintances husband left the family and one of the sons was so badly affected he went back. It can't be as simple as should always split or should always stay together...can it?" No. It isn't that simple. Life isn't simple, huh? | |||
" It can't be as simple as should always split or should always stay together...can it?" Nope, each story will be different | |||
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"An acquaintances husband left the family and one of the sons was so badly affected he went back. It can't be as simple as should always split or should always stay together...can it? No. It isn't that simple. Life isn't simple, huh?" Sadly not, no. I'm not really qualified to comment as I have no direct experience just how I've seen things in other families including one very close to me. Maybe I should shut up now | |||
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"An acquaintances husband left the family and one of the sons was so badly affected he went back. It can't be as simple as should always split or should always stay together...can it? No. It isn't that simple. Life isn't simple, huh? Sadly not, no. I'm not really qualified to comment as I have no direct experience just how I've seen things in other families including one very close to me. Maybe I should shut up now "Why? All input is interesting even without direct experience. | |||
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"I was trapped by my circumstances. When they changed I was out. My children,my inlaws and my mother in law all said I should have gone years before. It's not always an option. " A here: I thought I would be letting the side down if I left and my occupation was not conducive to divorce, admins cases weren't highly regarded. I even had her back after she left me in the lurch to run off with another dude. When I finally made like a swastika and ran away from it the pressure release was immense and I now have a non-toxic life. Even the step kids didn't know how I lasted so long. | |||
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"Id rather be unhappy and get no sex then be a part time dad. Its time you cant get back and when there adults id fuck off then. I brought my kids into the world so ill stick with them till they jump the nest. And for the record that dont make me unhappy. " FWIW I never felt my mum was a 'part time mum' after she left. Just as I don't feel like a 'part time girlfriend' because I don't live with one of my partners. That's all in your own head. | |||
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"Id rather be unhappy and get no sex then be a part time dad. Its time you cant get back and when there adults id fuck off then. I brought my kids into the world so ill stick with them till they jump the nest. And for the record that dont make me unhappy. FWIW I never felt my mum was a 'part time mum' after she left. Just as I don't feel like a 'part time girlfriend' because I don't live with one of my partners. That's all in your own head." Kids and partner are not even on the same level to me. As for you mum does she feel the same. She didnt miss out on any part of your younger life | |||
"I left an unhappy marriage, as I wasn't me whilst I stayed. I would have continued to be unhappy as would my ex and our children would have picked up the vibes. I don't believe they're disfunctional because their parents split up. Yes - sometimes they wanted a mum and dad that lived together but that was generally a short lived wish. I realise though it was often different for Dads - as generally , not always and I think it's changing nowadays . Children often lived mostly with their Mum. 50/50 arrangements seem more common now. If parents get their shit together and put their children first - a split household can work very well. Sarah " Man, I would have really hated a 50/50 living arrangement. I always liked routine as a teenager. I liked to know where my stuff was. Have my own space. Not have to be worried about where I'm going, who I'm living with, and what I need for the next few days. | |||
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"Id rather be unhappy and get no sex then be a part time dad. Its time you cant get back and when there adults id fuck off then. I brought my kids into the world so ill stick with them till they jump the nest. And for the record that dont make me unhappy. FWIW I never felt my mum was a 'part time mum' after she left. Just as I don't feel like a 'part time girlfriend' because I don't live with one of my partners. That's all in your own head. Kids and partner are not even on the same level to me. As for you mum does she feel the same. She didnt miss out on any part of your younger life" I can see where you're coming from. It is difficult to decide what is best in each scenario. If staying with your family is the right thing for you then power on. I will say, though, that just because someone opts for divorce doesn't make them a part time parent. They made the decision that was best for their situation. | |||
"Id rather be unhappy and get no sex then be a part time dad. Its time you cant get back and when there adults id fuck off then. I brought my kids into the world so ill stick with them till they jump the nest. And for the record that dont make me unhappy. FWIW I never felt my mum was a 'part time mum' after she left. Just as I don't feel like a 'part time girlfriend' because I don't live with one of my partners. That's all in your own head. Kids and partner are not even on the same level to me. As for you mum does she feel the same. She didnt miss out on any part of your younger life" She didn't feel like a 'part time mum', no. Her and my Dad sisn't love each other anymore, and it was causing me distress for them to live together when they didn't like each other - so they had to move out. I was allowed to choose who I wanted to live with. FWIW, Both my parents missed out on large parts of my life because they both chose to work. My Dad worked 9-5 and I saw him most evenings, but my Mum worked part time so I didn't see her much anyway. That's pretty usual tbh. I suspect if they'd split up earlier, I actually would have spent *more* time with her, because she would have made the time. Ultimately, children don't need a mum and a dad to grow up with. They can do perfectly fine with one of those, with two mums, two dads, more than two parents, or with no parents at all. It's what you do with your time together that actually counts. Not what address you live at. You can live with someone and have very poor quality time together (that was me and Mum growing up - we didn't have a good relationship) and you can live apart from someone and have fantastic time together. Believing that continuing to live with someone even though you've split up somehow automatically makes you a better parent is nothing short of selfish. Refusing to let your partner have a life of their own because you insist on living with them just to see your child is nothing short of selfish. Children should grow up understanding that there is no shame in deciding that you don't want to be in a relationship anymore and that you don't want to live with them. Too many of my friends stay with their partners (even without kids involved) because they have been brought up to believe that they are a failure if they 'quit' long term relationships. Parents should lead by example - if the relationship has broken down, then they should (IMO and in my personal experience) live apart and learn to be civil. For the childs sake. | |||
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"The best thing my parents did was to get divorced. They've both been remarried for 29/30 years & I have fantastic step-parents & a half-brother. There's no way I would have stayed with my ex for the boys - we are all happier with our current situation. " I think we're getting on better now & manage the co-parenting thing quite well too. He worked away a lot but has since changed job & sees more of the boys. We back each other up where appropriate, go to parents evening together etc... Apart from him also being on here he's the perfect ex! | |||
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"The best thing you can do for your children is to love your partner " wise beyond the words | |||
" I realise though it was often different for Dads - as generally , not always and I think it's changing nowadays . Children often lived mostly with their Mum. 50/50 arrangements seem more common now. If parents get their shit together and put their children first - a split household can work very well. Sarah Man, I would have really hated a 50/50 living arrangement. I always liked routine as a teenager. I liked to know where my stuff was. Have my own space. Not have to be worried about where I'm going, who I'm living with, and what I need for the next few days." It wouldn't work for everyone , but it's an option that can and does for some. Children need routine - I agree, but also parents that can be flexible when it's best for the child at that time. | |||
"Id rather be unhappy and get no sex then be a part time dad. Its time you cant get back and when there adults id fuck off then. I brought my kids into the world so ill stick with them till they jump the nest. And for the record that dont make me unhappy. FWIW I never felt my mum was a 'part time mum' after she left. Just as I don't feel like a 'part time girlfriend' because I don't live with one of my partners. That's all in your own head. Kids and partner are not even on the same level to me. As for you mum does she feel the same. She didnt miss out on any part of your younger life She didn't feel like a 'part time mum', no. Her and my Dad sisn't love each other anymore, and it was causing me distress for them to live together when they didn't like each other - so they had to move out. I was allowed to choose who I wanted to live with. FWIW, Both my parents missed out on large parts of my life because they both chose to work. My Dad worked 9-5 and I saw him most evenings, but my Mum worked part time so I didn't see her much anyway. That's pretty usual tbh. I suspect if they'd split up earlier, I actually would have spent *more* time with her, because she would have made the time. Ultimately, children don't need a mum and a dad to grow up with. They can do perfectly fine with one of those, with two mums, two dads, more than two parents, or with no parents at all. It's what you do with your time together that actually counts. Not what address you live at. You can live with someone and have very poor quality time together (that was me and Mum growing up - we didn't have a good relationship) and you can live apart from someone and have fantastic time together. Believing that continuing to live with someone even though you've split up somehow automatically makes you a better parent is nothing short of selfish. Refusing to let your partner have a life of their own because you insist on living with them just to see your child is nothing short of selfish. Children should grow up understanding that there is no shame in deciding that you don't want to be in a relationship anymore and that you don't want to live with them. Too many of my friends stay with their partners (even without kids involved) because they have been brought up to believe that they are a failure if they 'quit' long term relationships. Parents should lead by example - if the relationship has broken down, then they should (IMO and in my personal experience) live apart and learn to be civil. For the childs sake." Awesome reply.
For the record if my comment about being a part time parent offended anyone i didnt mean to. We all do our best in different ways | |||
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"It's really hard to comment as I've not been in that position but reading these comments..seems the best thing to do is split up and be 2 happy people, which has got to be better for the kids in the long run " Yes, for sure. Plus you get to introduce awesome new people and support networks into your childs life. For instance, I have a great relationship with my stepdad. We hang out more regularly than I hang out with my Mum. And I love his mum too - my stepgran. And on the other side of the family, I love my two new stepsisters from my Dads new relationship. I've never had siblings before and it's pretty cool to be honest. | |||
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"I know this is likely to be a total divide on opinion and I've really enjoyed the discussion today about keeping a secret from a parent for a parent. A couple of comments there have made me wonder what the general _iews are on those who stay with a partner with whom they aren't in love... why would you stay? Don't you both deserve to be happy with other people? It's tricky for me because I don't have children but I have friends who are staying married because of the kids. They don't love their husband/wife yet they think 'that children from broken homes are fucked up' by a split family. My _iew is that you don't have to live with the mother/father of your kids to be a good parent. For the children to witness two people who aren't in love but simply stay together because they *think* that's the right thing to do, to me, is utterly bonkers. I feel that it can also be damaging for kids not to witness love between their parents. If I found out that my parents had stayed together because of us, I'd be really, really cross.
What does everyone else think? "I totally agree. My kids are raised by me alone and they are high achievers and passing every subject within higher levels. They aren't chavs who run amoke within society speaking lyk dis ya git me blud?? Alot of single parents do amazing jobs. My kids were constantly miserable looking when myself and their were together. Soon as he left and after the sadness of him leaving went, all of us were much happier within our home and lives. Kids aren't stupid and they can tell when something isn't right. | |||
"Life is too short to spend it unhappy in the misguided belief that you are making someone else happy. No one wins in that situation. " Well said | |||
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"The best thing you can do for your children is to love your partner "
People should try to set a good example to their kids, and surely that must include being an adult about relationships.
It's a hard one though, because while my early adulthood might have been easier, that period has undoubtedly helped shape who I am today, and I therefore probably wouldn't be with the best person any man could ever hope to love. 
Mr ddc | |||
"Id rather be unhappy and get no sex then be a part time dad. Its time you cant get back and when there adults id fuck off then. I brought my kids into the world so ill stick with them till they jump the nest. And for the record that dont make me unhappy. FWIW I never felt my mum was a 'part time mum' after she left. Just as I don't feel like a 'part time girlfriend' because I don't live with one of my partners. That's all in your own head. Kids and partner are not even on the same level to me. As for you mum does she feel the same. She didnt miss out on any part of your younger life"
I stayed as I didn't want there dad to miss out. When I split from my first husband the kids stayed with him as I was the working half of the family ... And even though I visited most evenings to help put them to bed I missed out on loads of stuff.
So 2nd time around I didn't want him to miss anything. So I tried to keep it together. It is very hard not to see your child every night and be there for them x not comparable to a partner in anyway x | |||
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"Id rather be unhappy and get no sex then be a part time dad. Its time you cant get back and when there adults id fuck off then. I brought my kids into the world so ill stick with them till they jump the nest. And for the record that dont make me unhappy. FWIW I never felt my mum was a 'part time mum' after she left. Just as I don't feel like a 'part time girlfriend' because I don't live with one of my partners. That's all in your own head. Kids and partner are not even on the same level to me. As for you mum does she feel the same. She didnt miss out on any part of your younger life
I stayed as I didn't want there dad to miss out. When I split from my first husband the kids stayed with him as I was the working half of the family ... And even though I visited most evenings to help put them to bed I missed out on loads of stuff.
So 2nd time around I didn't want him to miss anything. So I tried to keep it together. It is very hard not to see your child every night and be there for them x not comparable to a partner in anyway x"I was making the point about feeling 'part time'. Using a different example to make the comparison. I don't feel part time just because I don't live with someone. | |||
"I know this is likely to be a total divide on opinion and I've really enjoyed the discussion today about keeping a secret from a parent for a parent. A couple of comments there have made me wonder what the general _iews are on those who stay with a partner with whom they aren't in love... why would you stay? Don't you both deserve to be happy with other people? It's tricky for me because I don't have children but I have friends who are staying married because of the kids. They don't love their husband/wife yet they think 'that children from broken homes are fucked up' by a split family. My _iew is that you don't have to live with the mother/father of your kids to be a good parent. For the children to witness two people who aren't in love but simply stay together because they *think* that's the right thing to do, to me, is utterly bonkers. I feel that it can also be damaging for kids not to witness love between their parents. If I found out that my parents had stayed together because of us, I'd be really, really cross.
What does everyone else think? "I don't want to be flippant but I think how people run their marriages and bring up their kids is personal and upto them Nobody is a perfect parent and we all make mistakes, just what we see as a mistake others may not I stayed with my ex for years because of my children, do I regret it now? Yes, did I feel I was doing the right thing at the time? Yes That's my mistake | |||
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"Id rather be unhappy and get no sex then be a part time dad. Its time you cant get back and when there adults id fuck off then. I brought my kids into the world so ill stick with them till they jump the nest. And for the record that dont make me unhappy. FWIW I never felt my mum was a 'part time mum' after she left. Just as I don't feel like a 'part time girlfriend' because I don't live with one of my partners. That's all in your own head. Kids and partner are not even on the same level to me. As for you mum does she feel the same. She didnt miss out on any part of your younger life
I stayed as I didn't want there dad to miss out. When I split from my first husband the kids stayed with him as I was the working half of the family ... And even though I visited most evenings to help put them to bed I missed out on loads of stuff.
So 2nd time around I didn't want him to miss anything. So I tried to keep it together. It is very hard not to see your child every night and be there for them x not comparable to a partner in anyway x
I was making the point about feeling 'part time'. Using a different example to make the comparison.
I don't feel part time just because I don't live with someone."I'd say for most parents it can make them feel that way. Not living with a partner doesn't make you part time but your individuals.... Not being there when your child may do a once in a lifetime thing.. or them experience something for the first time does make it feel like a part time thing .. or in the parents with separate living arrangements that I know x | |||
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"If the parents are miserable then the children will see it...and be miserable. I think we forget that children see and understand more than we think." | |||
"If the parents are miserable then the children will see it...and be miserable. I think we forget that children see and understand more than we think." | |||
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"i stayed with him but it was more because he had me believe i was useless and wouldnt cope alone etc - he ground me down until one night he snapped and got quite violent with me infront of the kids - he only did it the once and within 3 months we had all moved out and left him - i always refer to it as a light being switched on and seeing things from the outside looking in for the first time and was the best thing for me and the kids for sure- just wish id done it earlier " Well done, that took a lot of courage | |||
"If the parents are miserable then the children will see it...and be miserable. I think we forget that children see and understand more than we think." That isn't always the case though. If they keep sight of maintaining a steady, stable home for the children it is possible. Our parents kept it hidden from the three of us for years, almost until we all had left home, right up until the letter that said "right, we thought we'd better tell you all, since it's going to be in the News of the World tomorrow..." | |||
"If the parents are miserable then the children will see it...and be miserable. I think we forget that children see and understand more than we think. That isn't always the case though. If they keep sight of maintaining a steady, stable home for the children it is possible. Our parents kept it hidden from the three of us for years, almost until we all had left home, right up until the letter that said "right, we thought we'd better tell you all, since it's going to be in the News of the World tomorrow..." "That happened to a uni friend of mine and she was absolutely devasted as she'd had literally no clue her parents had been unhappy. She felt enormous betrayal and was incredibly bitter about relationships for many years. | |||
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"Never has a thread been more apt. This is happening to me. Now. My partner told me she no longer loved me nor fancied me sexually 7 years ago. I've had my own bedroom since then. We still get on, with plenty of laughter in the house, but that's mainly down to me because I'm soft. I want to leave and find love again (and sex!), but it would devastate my 10 year old who dotes on me. It would also hurt me sooo much. I know this thread is full of 'leave and be happy' and 'kids are so resilient', but each situation is different and has to be looked at differently. Wish I could step back 20 years. " Hi, just a question does your little one know you have your bedroom? G x | |||
"Never has a thread been more apt. This is happening to me. Now. My partner told me she no longer loved me nor fancied me sexually 7 years ago. I've had my own bedroom since then. We still get on, with plenty of laughter in the house, but that's mainly down to me because I'm soft. I want to leave and find love again (and sex!), but it would devastate my 10 year old who dotes on me. It would also hurt me sooo much. I know this thread is full of 'leave and be happy' and 'kids are so resilient', but each situation is different and has to be looked at differently. Wish I could step back 20 years. " but you think he would be happier knowing your on here, or happier that both of you are happy living your own lives and making sure he is loved and knowing ypu are both happy! | |||
" That happened to a uni friend of mine and she was absolutely devasted as she'd had literally no clue her parents had been unhappy. She felt enormous betrayal and was incredibly bitter about relationships for many years." Although it certainly led to an 'interesting' couple of years, I was enormously lucky, and I guess that too makes me who I am today | |||
"Never has a thread been more apt. This is happening to me. Now. My partner told me she no longer loved me nor fancied me sexually 7 years ago. I've had my own bedroom since then. We still get on, with plenty of laughter in the house, but that's mainly down to me because I'm soft. I want to leave and find love again (and sex!), but it would devastate my 10 year old who dotes on me. It would also hurt me sooo much. I know this thread is full of 'leave and be happy' and 'kids are so resilient', but each situation is different and has to be looked at differently. Wish I could step back 20 years. Hi, just a question does your little one know you have your bedroom? G x" Yes he does, he's grown up quite happy knowing that. X | |||
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"Never has a thread been more apt. This is happening to me. Now. My partner told me she no longer loved me nor fancied me sexually 7 years ago. I've had my own bedroom since then. We still get on, with plenty of laughter in the house, but that's mainly down to me because I'm soft. I want to leave and find love again (and sex!), but it would devastate my 10 year old who dotes on me. It would also hurt me sooo much. I know this thread is full of 'leave and be happy' and 'kids are so resilient', but each situation is different and has to be looked at differently. Wish I could step back 20 years. but you think he would be happier knowing your on here, or happier that both of you are happy living your own lives and making sure he is loved and knowing ypu are both happy!" There would be no need for him to know im on here. This is for my own personal release only. He's a happy child. Btw, we mailed each other 3 months ago! Lol x | |||
"Never has a thread been more apt. This is happening to me. Now. My partner told me she no longer loved me nor fancied me sexually 7 years ago. I've had my own bedroom since then. We still get on, with plenty of laughter in the house, but that's mainly down to me because I'm soft. I want to leave and find love again (and sex!), but it would devastate my 10 year old who dotes on me. It would also hurt me sooo much. I know this thread is full of 'leave and be happy' and 'kids are so resilient', but each situation is different and has to be looked at differently. Wish I could step back 20 years. Hi, just a question does your little one know you have your bedroom? G xYes he does, he's grown up quite happy knowing that. X" Well that's good in a way, you may not be really happy but at least it seems to be working for you xx | |||
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"Never has a thread been more apt. This is happening to me. Now. My partner told me she no longer loved me nor fancied me sexually 7 years ago. I've had my own bedroom since then. We still get on, with plenty of laughter in the house, but that's mainly down to me because I'm soft. I want to leave and find love again (and sex!), but it would devastate my 10 year old who dotes on me. It would also hurt me sooo much. I know this thread is full of 'leave and be happy' and 'kids are so resilient', but each situation is different and has to be looked at differently. Wish I could step back 20 years. Hi, just a question does your little one know you have your bedroom? G xYes he does, he's grown up quite happy knowing that. X Well that's good in a way, you may not be really happy but at least it seems to be working for you xx" Yes it works, but I miss the intimacy sooo much. xx | |||
"Never has a thread been more apt. This is happening to me. Now. My partner told me she no longer loved me nor fancied me sexually 7 years ago. I've had my own bedroom since then. We still get on, with plenty of laughter in the house, but that's mainly down to me because I'm soft. I want to leave and find love again (and sex!), but it would devastate my 10 year old who dotes on me. It would also hurt me sooo much. I know this thread is full of 'leave and be happy' and 'kids are so resilient', but each situation is different and has to be looked at differently. Wish I could step back 20 years. but you think he would be happier knowing your on here, or happier that both of you are happy living your own lives and making sure he is loved and knowing ypu are both happy!There would be no need for him to know im on here. This is for my own personal release only. He's a happy child. Btw, we mailed each other 3 months ago! Lol x" what's that got to do with anything, i stayed with my ex for 12 years, and it was 12 years of abuse, in every sense of the word, no my children were young, 4 and 9 when finally one day i realised i couldn't take anymore, yes i wanted to stay for the kids and fir them to have two parents in a loving relationship, but it was not to be.. i left....three years later he committed suicide, do i regret leaving.....no i dont, did my boys blame me, no they didn't even though they new nothing about what he did to me...they don't even know now and they are 26 and 30, shit husband...fantastic father...but the realisation that if i had stayed, it would be me that would be dead......and nobody knows what goes on behind anybodys closed doors..but my sons are great boys...never been a days trouble to me, of course they suffered and gad to have counselling....shit happens in life, i never bad mouthed their father to them ever, no need to....but kids do cope... | |||
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"Never has a thread been more apt. This is happening to me. Now. My partner told me she no longer loved me nor fancied me sexually 7 years ago. I've had my own bedroom since then. We still get on, with plenty of laughter in the house, but that's mainly down to me because I'm soft. I want to leave and find love again (and sex!), but it would devastate my 10 year old who dotes on me. It would also hurt me sooo much. I know this thread is full of 'leave and be happy' and 'kids are so resilient', but each situation is different and has to be looked at differently. Wish I could step back 20 years. Hi, just a question does your little one know you have your bedroom? G xYes he does, he's grown up quite happy knowing that. X Well that's good in a way, you may not be really happy but at least it seems to be working for you xxYes it works, but I miss the intimacy sooo much. xx"At least you didn't fall into the same trap I did late last year, be split up, live together and still have sex but at the same time everything changed, horrible time really looking back and so unhealthy, I'm sure over time things will improve but for now your little one sounds happy and you still have here as a bit of a release xx | |||
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"i stayed with him but it was more because he had me believe i was useless and wouldnt cope alone etc - he ground me down until one night he snapped and got quite violent with me infront of the kids - he only did it the once and within 3 months we had all moved out and left him - i always refer to it as a light being switched on and seeing things from the outside looking in for the first time and was the best thing for me and the kids for sure- just wish id done it earlier Well done, that took a lot of courage "not really - kids were terrified and it opened my eyes to what he was really like - i certainly saw him in a different light after that night - will never forgive him ever for so many things | |||
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"Never has a thread been more apt. This is happening to me. Now. My partner told me she no longer loved me nor fancied me sexually 7 years ago. I've had my own bedroom since then. We still get on, with plenty of laughter in the house, but that's mainly down to me because I'm soft. I want to leave and find love again (and sex!), but it would devastate my 10 year old who dotes on me. It would also hurt me sooo much. I know this thread is full of 'leave and be happy' and 'kids are so resilient', but each situation is different and has to be looked at differently. Wish I could step back 20 years. " My children adored their dad: still do. They're 24, 28 and 33 with families of their own, yet he can "summons" them and they're there. Their partners treat them like princesses, just like their dad. Our son died and we grieved separately. I was always the strong one but for once I needed him to be strong. He couldn't and my silent resentment and his "guilt" broke us. Whilst I internalised my bitterness he turned his on me. I only moved four miles away and the kids bedrooms remained the same so they saw it as having two homes. Child care was shared, no playing one off against the other. Even my mother in law asked if we were divorced as we got on so well. Still the only man I trust because I know he loved, still loves me. | |||
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"I know this is likely to be a total divide on opinion and I've really enjoyed the discussion today about keeping a secret from a parent for a parent. A couple of comments there have made me wonder what the general _iews are on those who stay with a partner with whom they aren't in love... why would you stay? Don't you both deserve to be happy with other people? It's tricky for me because I don't have children but I have friends who are staying married because of the kids. They don't love their husband/wife yet they think 'that children from broken homes are fucked up' by a split family. My _iew is that you don't have to live with the mother/father of your kids to be a good parent. For the children to witness two people who aren't in love but simply stay together because they *think* that's the right thing to do, to me, is utterly bonkers. I feel that it can also be damaging for kids not to witness love between their parents. If I found out that my parents had stayed together because of us, I'd be really, really cross.
What does everyone else think? "I agree! It really gets my back up when people say/think that a child from a broken family will be "fucked up" my son is doing just fine THANKYOU very much it's been pretty much just me and him for 15 years. (Sees his dad most every other weekend) | |||
"I split from my husband because I couldn't stand feeling trapped in a loveless relationship. My son's were quite young at the time. I knew if we stayed together it would hurt them more. We now get on far better and I believe my boys to be better off as a result of not living in a war zone. My ex is now in amother very unhappy relationship. Unfortunately the woman in question has made it quite clear he will never see their daughter if he leaves. So he's staying and counting down the years til she's old enough to make her own choices. I feel so sorry for him. " Sometimes waiting for them to get to the age of making their own mind up does not work, esp if the mother has poisoned the child's mind against the other parent. | |||
"I know this is likely to be a total divide on opinion and I've really enjoyed the discussion today about keeping a secret from a parent for a parent. A couple of comments there have made me wonder what the general _iews are on those who stay with a partner with whom they aren't in love... why would you stay? Don't you both deserve to be happy with other people? It's tricky for me because I don't have children but I have friends who are staying married because of the kids. They don't love their husband/wife yet they think 'that children from broken homes are fucked up' by a split family. My _iew is that you don't have to live with the mother/father of your kids to be a good parent. For the children to witness two people who aren't in love but simply stay together because they *think* that's the right thing to do, to me, is utterly bonkers. I feel that it can also be damaging for kids not to witness love between their parents. If I found out that my parents had stayed together because of us, I'd be really, really cross.
What does everyone else think? "Everyone is entitled to happiness I love my kids & always will But yes separation / divorce is hard on all parties And my eldest doesn't approve of the separation Yes it probably has messed up their lives / emotions but as each year passes it gets easier Would I do it again ? In short probably not , but who knows what the future holds | |||
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"I know this is likely to be a total divide on opinion and I've really enjoyed the discussion today about keeping a secret from a parent for a parent. A couple of comments there have made me wonder what the general _iews are on those who stay with a partner with whom they aren't in love... why would you stay? Don't you both deserve to be happy with other people? It's tricky for me because I don't have children but I have friends who are staying married because of the kids. They don't love their husband/wife yet they think 'that children from broken homes are fucked up' by a split family. My _iew is that you don't have to live with the mother/father of your kids to be a good parent. For the children to witness two people who aren't in love but simply stay together because they *think* that's the right thing to do, to me, is utterly bonkers. I feel that it can also be damaging for kids not to witness love between their parents. If I found out that my parents had stayed together because of us, I'd be really, really cross.
What does everyone else think?
I agree!
It really gets my back up when people say/think that a child from a broken family will be "fucked up" my son is doing just fine THANKYOU very much it's been pretty much just me and him for 15 years. (Sees his dad most every other weekend) "
I was fucked up BECAUSE my mum and step dad stayed together! It was a seriously abusive relationship.
6 months ago my husband moved out after deciding it was the right thing to do last January. My eldest was very upset and scared at the time, but last night we were talking and I asked how he thought things were now. He said 'it's amazing!' The boys stay with their dad every Thursday, Friday and Saturday, and are with me the rest of the time. The fact that my ex and I get on really well (most of the time) helps foster a positive environment for them. Splitting up doesn't have to mean fucked up children. | |||
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"I haven't caught all of the thread but my kids say it's much better since I split from their dad five years ago. Life has been more routine and settled, we're not all walking on eggshells and the house is generally more relaxed. They have excelled at school, behave and look to have bright futures. They also know how to have fun within reason. They think it's had a much more positive effect on me too "exactly this - we had a moment we often refer back to - it was a couple of weeks into our new home-was our first sunday roast etc - everybody helped cook and wash up - when it was over we all sat and looked and realised that this is what sundays should be like - (our sundays with him actually got a mention in the divorce gubbins)- my kids too have gone on to do well - university graduates now and both following their dream - no thanks to him | |||
"I haven't caught all of the thread but my kids say it's much better since I split from their dad five years ago. Life has been more routine and settled, we're not all walking on eggshells and the house is generally more relaxed. They have excelled at school, behave and look to have bright futures. They also know how to have fun within reason. They think it's had a much more positive effect on me too
exactly this - we had a moment we often refer back to - it was a couple of weeks into our new home-was our first sunday roast etc - everybody helped cook and wash up - when it was over we all sat and looked and realised that this is what sundays should be like - (our sundays with him actually got a mention in the divorce gubbins)- my kids too have gone on to do well - university graduates now and both following their dream - no thanks to him "This sounds very similar to me. After the initial shock I was surprised how well we all adapted to a new calmer life. I was in charge but I let them help decide how we ALL wanted things to run in the house. It's really worked well and we feel much more like a team/family unit than we ever did before. | |||
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"This is a subject close to my heart. I was one of those children. Me and my sister knew my parents weren't happy, there was no affection between my parents. It was obvious they shouldn't have been together even though there was no blatant toxicity or arguing. They were civil, they were doing what a lot of parents who believe they're doing the right thing do. My dad waited until I was old enough to stand on my own 2 feet (17) before he finally went. I'd say that was about 10 years too late. I carried an awful lot of guilt coz he stayed clearly unhappy, clearly there to be "provider" for what? To show us it's better to be unhappy? To not show us what a healthy relationship looks like? To carry the burden of that? I do understand the why behind it, I really do, but what I can say is that neither myself or my sister have had successful adult relationships. We have both been in abusive relationships (that could be pure coincidence I don't know) but I do think it played a part, and oddly enough was both our second serious relationship. The first ones we both ended, the second ones were highly toxic (me and her don't even talk so it isn't like either of us knew and copied the other in some kind of sibling rivalry - who would actively choose that?!) Anyway, personally I think it *can* work, but only if you are honest and open with the children. Don't hide shit from them coz they'll know something is off even if they don't know exactly what. I can totally understand the financial implications of divorce, or needing to sell the house etc. But you don't always have to! You can still live in the same house and all be happy. If you choose to separate but stay for the kids or for financial reasons, do it with care and tell them the truth. That doesn't mean belittling or berating the other parent when I say that, it means telling the kids we aren't in love any longer, but we do love you so want to both be here for you. Sleep in separate rooms, but give them the chance to understand, you can still live together and form other relationships outside of that home, there's no shame in it at all. As long as the both of you talk, communicate, agree to do what you believe is best for the kids, and surely that means teaching them that they don't have to condemn themselves to an unhappy marriage. Teach them that they AND you deserve happiness. If mum has a new boyfriend so what? If dad has a new girlfriend so what? As long as you are respectful and considerate it can be done. Nobody is saying you have to move out to form other bonds, other relationships. I mean, how cool would it be for the children to have 2 loving parents who also have other loving relationships? Talk about showing them if you want something you can do it your own way to make it work, that they don't have to conform to social norms, that it's okay to be different. The thing that can't be unbroken is trust, so please, do things honestly, considerately, be true to yourselves. If I found out my dad had given up the love of his life, the person who made him so so happy for me? I'd be scarred for life. Don't put that burden on your children, please. Ask yourself this question. You're staying in a situation FOR your children right? But... would you WANT that relationship for your children? If they came to you, their mentor, their role model and told you they were unhappy in their marriage would you tell them to stay or would you tell them they deserve to be happy? I think you know the answer. P " | |||
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"From my experience. The older the children are the more problems it causes. If you are going to leave do it when the kids are young. When the get older the take sides. Vote with their feet re visiting. When they are young they just do what they are told. I did it as long as I could. They were 16 and 12. I’m convinced that had they been just a couple of years younger there would have been less problems to overcome. Have some self respect. If you are sure you will leave one day, do it sooner rather than later. " I completely agree. My sister disowned my dad the day he went (she was 20) and her treatment of my dad is why me and her can't even look at each other. I resented my mum for the way she treated my dad (among other things) but still speak to her on occasion. The other thing that concerns me is if people wait until the kids move out then what? The kids who are now young adults will likely believe they were the glue that held their family together and feel guilty for moving out! Then if the parents do tell them the truth, that they waited... guess what? Another side order of guilt. P | |||
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"If the parents are miserable then the children will see it...and be miserable. I think we forget that children see and understand more than we think." | |||
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