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Silly gag topic
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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Come on..lets hear your best gags. I love the silly Tommy Cooper type jokes
I bought some pork chops and told the butcher to make them lean. He said, 'Which way?' |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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what do you call a fly with no wings?
a walk!
did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshipper?
he sold his soul to santa!
he also became a pimp and bought a warehouse  |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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ha ha
Never trust an undertaker..they will always let you down
I said to the doctor, 'Can you give me something for my liver?' He gave me a pound of onions. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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Went to the paper shop - it had blown away.
I bought some HP sauce the other day. It's costing me 6p a month for the next 2 years
Two fish in a tank, one says to the other - you drive I'll man the guns
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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My all time fave
Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off
haha
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Tommy Cooper at the recycling bins:
" Glass, Bottle, Bottle, Glass"
Phoned up about starting advanced yoga classes, they said " how flexible are you?"
" Well I can't do Wednesdays"
I said to the doctor;
" Can you give me something for the wind"
He gave me a kite.
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By *ty31Man
over a year ago
NW London |
I took my cross eyed dog to the Vet. He picked him up and said "sir I'm going to have to put this dog down"
"You can't put a dog down just cos he's cross eyed"
The vet replied "no cos he's bloody heavy" |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Whats brown and sticky?
A stick
Why don't ducks fly upside down?
If they did they'd quack up
Doctor doctor I think I'm a kleptomaniac.....
Have you taken anything for it? |
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Two flies are sat on a dog poo...
Fly 1: I've not seen you in work for ages. Where have you been?
Fly 2: I've been on the sick.
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What did the Mexican Fireman call his two sons?
Jose and Hose B.
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A man walks into the doctor's office. "What seems to be the problem?" asks the doc. "It's... um... well... I have five penises." replies the man.
"Blimey!" says the doctor, "How do your trousers fit?"
"Like a glove.", says the man. |
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By *hoenixmanMan
over a year ago
Where men are men, and sheep are nervous...! |
Two Nuns sitting in a bath...
Nun 1. "Where's the soap?"
Nun 2. "Yes it does rather, doesn't it.."
And back home with Mum and Jimmy...
Jimmy. "Mum, I hate my Dad's guts!"
Mum. "Then leave them on the side of the plate, dear...."
Jimmy "Mum, why is Daddy staggering down the garden..?"
Mum "Shut up and reload......"
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"what do you call a fly with no wings?
a walk!
did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshipper?
he sold his soul to santa!
he also became a pimp and bought a warehouse
I'm stealing them "
feel free!! I stole them in the first place  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"what do you call a fly with no wings?
a walk!
did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshipper?
he sold his soul to santa!
he also became a pimp and bought a warehouse
I'm stealing them
feel free!! I stole them in the first place "
You forgot about the blokes that stole a calendar they got 6 months each |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Venison's deer isn't it
You know who gives kids a bad name, the Beckham's.
Two veterans walking towards each other both drawing their right leg one said to the other "land mine back in 69"
The other replies "dog shit back in the parking lot"
I phoned my boss to say I wasn't coming in because I'm sick, he said how sick are you, I said I'm in bed with my sister.
What do you call a black man in a suit? By his name. You racist
I've been finding lego all over the house all day, I don't know what to.make of it.
I was lay in bed with my girlfriend and she started stroking my cock, I said "hmmm feeling randy are we" no she said, sometimes I just miss mine
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I just deleted all the German names off my phone. It's Hans free.
I usually meet my girlfriend at 12:59 because I like that one to one time.
I've decided to sell my Hoover... well, it was just collecting dust
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Why did the lifeguard not save the hippie ?
Because he was too far out man .
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A horse walks into a bar.
The bartender says 'Why the long face?'
The horse says 'My alcoholism is destroying my family.'
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A horse walks into a bar. The bar tender says "Hey."
The horse says "Sure." |
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Victoria Beckham is looking for a novel gift for David's birthday. She goes to Harrods and says that it has to be something that David doesn't own already. The assistant suggests a Thermos Flask...
" What's that fing do then?" she asks.
"Madam, it keeps hot things hot and cold things cold", the assistant replies.
"Perfectamundo....I will take it" says the posh one.
When she gets home, Booklyn sees the new gift and says "What is it mum?"
"Its a fermos flask. It keeps hot fings hot and cold fings cold" she replies.
Come the happy day, she presents David with the gift. "What is it?" He asks.
"This is a fermos flask. It will keep hot fings hot and cold fings cold. It's a bleeding miracle and I am testing it as we speak!" she proudly exclaims.
Amazed, David asks "What do you have in it?"
"Two cups of tea and a choc ice......." |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Just ordered a Buddhist pizza, its one with everything
Two wolves fans sitting drinking in a bar, each drink they raised their glasses and said "to twelve months" after a while the barman asked what they were celebrating, "we just finished a jigsaw and it only took 12 months" the bar man said "that's a long time to finish a puzzle" "yes" said the second "but it said 2-3 years on the box
I've got alcoholic constipation, I can't pass a pub
My girlfriend said I'm immature, I said "i know you are but what am i"
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I saw a guy going mental in an aisle at the super market, throwing cheese at the milk, yoghurt and butter while shouting and swearing! "How dairy" i thought to myself. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Yorkshire man takes his cat to the vet.
Yorkshireman: "Ayup, lad, I need to talk to thee about me cat."
Vet: "Is it a tom ?"
Yorkshireman: "Nay, I've browt it wi' us." |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Man walks into a chip shop
Frier says 'The opticians is next door'
Man says 'how do you know I want the opticians ?'
Frier says 'I could tell the minute you walked thru the window' |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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What do you call a man with a plank of wood on his head? Edward
What do you call a man with 3 planks of wood on his head? Edward Woodward
What do you call a man with 4 planks of wood on his head? I don't know either but Edward Woodward would |
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"what do you call a fly with no wings?
a walk!
did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshipper?
he sold his soul to santa!
he also became a pimp and bought a warehouse
I'm stealing them "
What about the dyslexic insomniac who was also an agnostic? - Lay awake at night wondering if there was a Dog |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Daffy Duck on a dirty weekend calls reception and asks for condoms. Receptionist asks "Shall I put them on your bill?" He replies, "Dont be thuckin stupid I'll thuffocate!" |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"what do you call a fly with no wings?
a walk!
did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshipper?
he sold his soul to santa!
he also became a pimp and bought a warehouse "
Love em!
I obviously have a filthy mind!
Thought it was a thread about gagging on cocks!  |
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"Venison's deer isn't it
You know who gives kids a bad name, the Beckham's.
Two veterans walking towards each other both drawing their right leg one said to the other "land mine back in 69"
The other replies "dog shit back in the parking lot"
I phoned my boss to say I wasn't coming in because I'm sick, he said how sick are you, I said I'm in bed with my sister.
What do you call a black man in a suit? By his name. You racist
I've been finding lego all over the house all day, I don't know what to.make of it.
I was lay in bed with my girlfriend and she started stroking my cock, I said "hmmm feeling randy are we" no she said, sometimes I just miss mine
"
Spluttered my coffee at cock joke ! Brilliant  |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"Daffy Duck on a dirty weekend calls reception and asks for condoms. Receptionist asks "Shall I put them on your bill?" He replies, "Dont be thuckin stupid I'll thuffocate!""
HA HA not heard that one before and it did literally just make me LOL |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Son walks in on Dad screwing Mum. Dad just laughs & shuts the door. Later on, Dad walks in on Son screwing Grandma. Son says, "Not so funny when it's YOUR Mum huh!" |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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Lad sees his dad in the shower and points between his legs and says "dad what's that?"...the father a bit embarrassed says "erm...that's my axe"..."oh" says the son.
Few days later the lad see's his mum in the shower and points between her legs and says "Mum what's that?"..again the woman is embarrassed, tries to cover herself and replies "erm...that's where dad hit me with his axe"..."oh" replies the son again...."fucking good shot right in the cunt" |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"what do you call a fly with no wings?
a walk!
did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshipper?
he sold his soul to santa!
he also became a pimp and bought a warehouse
Love em!
I obviously have a filthy mind!
Thought it was a thread about gagging on cocks! "
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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two nuns taking a stroll down a country lane and a vampire jumps out on them one nun says to the other show him your cross the second nuns say hey fuck off twat |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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What do you call a man with a piece of ham on his head ? Ham head.
What do you call a man with 2 pieces of ham on his head ? More ham head.
What do you call a man with 2 pieces of ham on his head and in between 2 houses ? More ham head Ali! |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"What do you call a man with a piece of ham on his head ? Ham head.
What do you call a man with 2 pieces of ham on his head ? More ham head.
What do you call a man with 2 pieces of ham on his head and in between 2 houses ? More ham head Ali!"
thought the answer would have been a west ham supporter |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"When my girlfriend said she was leaving because of my obsession with The Monkees, I thought she was joking...
... and then I saw her face"
then you were a believer |
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"two nuns taking a stroll down a country lane and a vampire jumps out on them one nun says to the other show him your cross the second nuns say hey fuck off twat "
Same 2 nuns are riding a tandem bicycle on a cobbled street. The first nun says to the other:"...I've never come this way before"
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Teacher says to paddy what was Robin hoods girlfriend called he replies trudy Glen the teacher says no its maid marrion,he said no miss they name hame her in the song
Robin hood Robin hood riding trudy Glenn !
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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what's the definition of cheek ? Throwing a brick through someone's window and asking for it back
what's the definition of pain ? spending 30 minutes with a mistress in a dungeon
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Doctor Doctor, I cannot help singing"Delilah" and ""The green green grass of home"
Ah. That sounds like a case of Tom Jones syndrome.
Tom Jones syndrome. ...is it common?
Well......it's not unusual ... |
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