FabSwingers.com > Forums > The Lounge > Huge dilema - should I tell her?
Huge dilema - should I tell her?
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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So minding my own business and my best friends husband messages me!
He has a face pic and even gives out his real mobile number (does he want to get caught!).
I obviously don't want my friend knowing what I get up to in my spare time with my husband but I've come to the conclusion that it's not my place to say anything. The truth will out eventually - I'd rather not get involved.
Is this wrong? |
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"So minding my own business and my best friends husband messages me!
He has a face pic and even gives out his real mobile number (does he want to get caught!).
I obviously don't want my friend knowing what I get up to in my spare time with my husband but I've come to the conclusion that it's not my place to say anything. The truth will out eventually - I'd rather not get involved.
Is this wrong?"
is do the same |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Thats a tough one. If it were me, I wouldn't say anything as I'd want this part of my private life kept private.
If he doesn't know it's you, I'd block him and let that be the end of it.
That's just me anyway. I don't feel it's my place to interfere with other people. |
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"My best friend would be so angry with me if I didn't tell her. Tricky one though, hope whatever you decide turns out well."
I would hope if it was my husband though, somebody would tell me, so I suppose maybe the question is ....if it was you, would you want to know? |
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By *LCCCouple
over a year ago
Cambridge |
It will be fucking hard to tell her, in someway she will probably always blame you for destroying her marriage (even though you are just the bearer of bad news). However how could you continue to call yourself her friend if you knew, and kept it a secret from her.
The right thing to do, is seldom the easy thing to do. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Fucking hate these threads, op always says that the people are their best friends, would hate to see how they treat their enemies.
Surely your best friend would know you're on here, or maybe it's just me and I don't see this place as some seedy website to be ashamed of.
It's your best friend, if you need to even think for one minute about not telling her then I don't think you can have the title of best friend. |
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"It will be fucking hard to tell her, in someway she will probably always blame you for destroying her marriage (even though you are just the bearer of bad news). However how could you continue to call yourself her friend if you knew, and kept it a secret from her.
The right thing to do, is seldom the easy thing to do. "
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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If i found out my best friend knew my partner was cheating but didnt tell me then they wouldn't be my friend any more.
You're meant to have your friends backs not just watch as they get fucked over. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Tricky one, best friend loyalties and all that.
Trouble is you never know what goes on in other people's relationships ~ she may not thank you for bringing it to her attention.
If you feel you can let it go then maybe confront him even if it's to say to him don't be such a muppet for displaying a face pic & mobile no for all of fabs to see. |
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People bang on about not judging all the time on here however when one of these type of threads comes up many are prepared to make all sorts of judgements on a marriage none of us know anything about.
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Fucking hate these threads, op always says that the people are their best friends, would hate to see how they treat their enemies.
Surely your best friend would know you're on here, or maybe it's just me and I don't see this place as some seedy website to be ashamed of.
It's your best friend, if you need to even think for one minute about not telling her then I don't think you can have the title of best friend. "
Well, that's one very narrow and opinionated way of looking at things. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"Fucking hate these threads, op always says that the people are their best friends, would hate to see how they treat their enemies.
Surely your best friend would know you're on here, or maybe it's just me and I don't see this place as some seedy website to be ashamed of.
It's your best friend, if you need to even think for one minute about not telling her then I don't think you can have the title of best friend. "
No, I don't tell people we are on here because people judge and have preconceived ideas about swingers.
Sometimes the best course of action is to say nothing. Protect others from pain. There is no right or wrong here. |
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"So minding my own business and my best friends husband messages me!
He has a face pic and even gives out his real mobile number (does he want to get caught!).
I obviously don't want my friend knowing what I get up to in my spare time with my husband but I've come to the conclusion that it's not my place to say anything. The truth will out eventually - I'd rather not get involved.
Is this wrong?"
No, I stay well clear of other people's relationships. I have enough drama of my own. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Fucking hate these threads, op always says that the people are their best friends, would hate to see how they treat their enemies.
Surely your best friend would know you're on here, or maybe it's just me and I don't see this place as some seedy website to be ashamed of.
It's your best friend, if you need to even think for one minute about not telling her then I don't think you can have the title of best friend.
No, I don't tell people we are on here because people judge and have preconceived ideas about swingers.
Sometimes the best course of action is to say nothing. Protect others from pain. There is no right or wrong here."
But youre not protecting her at all.
Youre exposing her to more risk and more pain.
You think she's using condoms with her fella?
Imagine that conversation a few years down the line "oh god ive broke up with x turns out he was cheating on me for ages and hes goven me chlamydia because its been so long i cant have kids any more.."
That'll probbaly be the best time to go "oh yeah ive known for ages hes cheating on you bestie!" |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"How good a friend is she?
Your Best mate who is always there for you or just someone you hang out with once in a blue moon?
I would tell my best mate and hope she would do the same for me."
She's my best mate, I see her every day. I don't want to see the look on her face or the pain I cause by telling his secret. At the moment (or at least on Monday) he had no verifications so hasn't actually done anything wrong. Now I've blocked him I have no idea what he's up to. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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If it was my BEST friend I would have to tell them,as hard a conversation it would be.
Maybe she knows what he is doing though and gives her consent.
Tricky situation either way.Hope it works out in the best way for you all. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I'd be furious if one of my best friends presumed to involve themselves in my relationship in that way and told me someting like this. It's not their place to get involved: either I know and I'm happy with the situation or I don't and it therefore isn't hurting me. Suspect I'm in the minority on this one, but it's something I feel really strongly about.
Only you know your friend, only you can decide what's the right thing to do. |
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By *LCCCouple
over a year ago
Cambridge |
"Who knows they could be on here as a couple and play alone. Id stay out.
Wow, good point - if never even thought of that!! "
If he is playing with her permission, then she won't mind if you tell her about it will she? |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Who knows they could be on here as a couple and play alone. Id stay out.
Wow, good point - if never even thought of that!! "
Well theres no problem if thats the case is there?
You tell her she goes "oh no we're on there too, but thank you for telling me" |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I mean, if he can't see your face send him a reply saying - (wife's name) wouldn't be happy to see you on here.
If he wants to cheat, it's inevitable anyway. |
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"Who knows they could be on here as a couple and play alone. Id stay out.
Wow, good point - if never even thought of that!! "
Nobody does in these situations. The default setting seems to be that the man is cheating on an innocent woman and that you, urged on by concerned forumites should race to tell her all about it. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Fucking hate these threads, op always says that the people are their best friends, would hate to see how they treat their enemies.
Surely your best friend would know you're on here, or maybe it's just me and I don't see this place as some seedy website to be ashamed of.
It's your best friend, if you need to even think for one minute about not telling her then I don't think you can have the title of best friend.
Well, that's one very narrow and opinionated way of looking at things."
I can only advise based on what I would do. I've got a shit family the only two people I could count on were my nan and my gran and they're both dead. My best friend is my family, there when I gave birth, bailed me out of so many situations,picked me up when I've been down, if I said I'd killed someone she'd be at my door within minutes with a carpet to roll them in. I love my best friend and I know every thing about her and she does me so when someone says "best friend" I believe that person is rated above all other friends so yes of course I would tell her and yes I know that she would get me to honey trap his ass and we'd both meet the guy and kick his fucking head in. |
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"Who knows they could be on here as a couple and play alone. Id stay out.
Wow, good point - if never even thought of that!!
If he is playing with her permission, then she won't mind if you tell her about it will she? "
How do you know that? People's private lives are called that for a reason. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Fucking hate these threads, op always says that the people are their best friends, would hate to see how they treat their enemies.
Surely your best friend would know you're on here, or maybe it's just me and I don't see this place as some seedy website to be ashamed of.
It's your best friend, if you need to even think for one minute about not telling her then I don't think you can have the title of best friend.
Well, that's one very narrow and opinionated way of looking at things.
I can only advise based on what I would do. I've got a shit family the only two people I could count on were my nan and my gran and they're both dead. My best friend is my family, there when I gave birth, bailed me out of so many situations,picked me up when I've been down, if I said I'd killed someone she'd be at my door within minutes with a carpet to roll them in. I love my best friend and I know every thing about her and she does me so when someone says "best friend" I believe that person is rated above all other friends so yes of course I would tell her and yes I know that she would get me to honey trap his ass and we'd both meet the guy and kick his fucking head in. "
I'd love to have a best mate relationship like yours! She sounds a true friend!! |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Fucking hate these threads, op always says that the people are their best friends, would hate to see how they treat their enemies.
Surely your best friend would know you're on here, or maybe it's just me and I don't see this place as some seedy website to be ashamed of.
It's your best friend, if you need to even think for one minute about not telling her then I don't think you can have the title of best friend. "
Totally with you here
My best friends know my lifestyle, so id be more than happy to try and help mt best friend. |
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"How good a friend is she?
Your Best mate who is always there for you or just someone you hang out with once in a blue moon?
I would tell my best mate and hope she would do the same for me.
She's my best mate, I see her every day. I don't want to see the look on her face or the pain I cause by telling his secret. At the moment (or at least on Monday) he had no verifications so hasn't actually done anything wrong. Now I've blocked him I have no idea what he's up to."
If that is the case I'd be tempted to say 'I know your wife - does she know you are on here?' I would want to know. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Fucking hate these threads, op always says that the people are their best friends, would hate to see how they treat their enemies.
Surely your best friend would know you're on here, or maybe it's just me and I don't see this place as some seedy website to be ashamed of.
It's your best friend, if you need to even think for one minute about not telling her then I don't think you can have the title of best friend.
Well, that's one very narrow and opinionated way of looking at things.
I can only advise based on what I would do. I've got a shit family the only two people I could count on were my nan and my gran and they're both dead. My best friend is my family, there when I gave birth, bailed me out of so many situations,picked me up when I've been down, if I said I'd killed someone she'd be at my door within minutes with a carpet to roll them in. I love my best friend and I know every thing about her and she does me so when someone says "best friend" I believe that person is rated above all other friends so yes of course I would tell her and yes I know that she would get me to honey trap his ass and we'd both meet the guy and kick his fucking head in. "
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"Fucking hate these threads, op always says that the people are their best friends, would hate to see how they treat their enemies.
Surely your best friend would know you're on here, or maybe it's just me and I don't see this place as some seedy website to be ashamed of.
It's your best friend, if you need to even think for one minute about not telling her then I don't think you can have the title of best friend.
Well, that's one very narrow and opinionated way of looking at things.
I can only advise based on what I would do. I've got a shit family the only two people I could count on were my nan and my gran and they're both dead. My best friend is my family, there when I gave birth, bailed me out of so many situations,picked me up when I've been down, if I said I'd killed someone she'd be at my door within minutes with a carpet to roll them in. I love my best friend and I know every thing about her and she does me so when someone says "best friend" I believe that person is rated above all other friends so yes of course I would tell her and yes I know that she would get me to honey trap his ass and we'd both meet the guy and kick his fucking head in.
"
Quite! Imagine if a man had written this about a woman. |
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By *LCCCouple
over a year ago
Cambridge |
"Who knows they could be on here as a couple and play alone. Id stay out.
Wow, good point - if never even thought of that!!
If he is playing with her permission, then she won't mind if you tell her about it will she?
How do you know that? People's private lives are called that for a reason."
Well let's be honest about it, meeting other people for sex is actually the absolute opposite of keeping something private. It is the most intimate thing you can do! |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Fucking hate these threads, op always says that the people are their best friends, would hate to see how they treat their enemies.
Surely your best friend would know you're on here, or maybe it's just me and I don't see this place as some seedy website to be ashamed of.
It's your best friend, if you need to even think for one minute about not telling her then I don't think you can have the title of best friend.
Well, that's one very narrow and opinionated way of looking at things.
I can only advise based on what I would do. I've got a shit family the only two people I could count on were my nan and my gran and they're both dead. My best friend is my family, there when I gave birth, bailed me out of so many situations,picked me up when I've been down, if I said I'd killed someone she'd be at my door within minutes with a carpet to roll them in. I love my best friend and I know every thing about her and she does me so when someone says "best friend" I believe that person is rated above all other friends so yes of course I would tell her and yes I know that she would get me to honey trap his ass and we'd both meet the guy and kick his fucking head in. "
Okay.... |
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"Who knows they could be on here as a couple and play alone. Id stay out.
Wow, good point - if never even thought of that!!
If he is playing with her permission, then she won't mind if you tell her about it will she?
How do you know that? People's private lives are called that for a reason.
Well let's be honest about it, meeting other people for sex is actually the absolute opposite of keeping something private. It is the most intimate thing you can do! "
I meant how do you know she won't mind being told. Everyone is different with regard to how they run their life and some people are more private than others.
I think that our differing opinions are probably why this type of question always causes such fierce arguments  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I'd be furious if one of my best friends presumed to involve themselves in my relationship in that way and told me someting like this. It's not their place to get involved: either I know and I'm happy with the situation or I don't and it therefore isn't hurting me. Suspect I'm in the minority on this one, but it's something I feel really strongly about.
Only you know your friend, only you can decide what's the right thing to do. "
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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My husband wants to tip off her husband but then we still give the game away that we're on here.
If we message him on here it won't take a genius for him to work out it's us!!
If we could let him know anonymously would we - he'd just delete his account and pop up somewhere else. If he's not happy at home......
There is no good outcome whatever action we take |
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By *LCCCouple
over a year ago
Cambridge |
"Who knows they could be on here as a couple and play alone. Id stay out.
Wow, good point - if never even thought of that!!
If he is playing with her permission, then she won't mind if you tell her about it will she?
How do you know that? People's private lives are called that for a reason.
Well let's be honest about it, meeting other people for sex is actually the absolute opposite of keeping something private. It is the most intimate thing you can do!
I meant how do you know she won't mind being told. Everyone is different with regard to how they run their life and some people are more private than others.
I think that our differing opinions are probably why this type of question always causes such fierce arguments "
Yeah, if everyone just agreed with me from the start it would be much easier! 
I know what you mean and I can see your point.
The OP could always take this bloke up on the offer, invite him round for a nice threesome, and then the best friend (his wife) could open the door when he knocks. |
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I think we all like to think we would do such and such, but just consider this real experience!.
I'm in a night club one night about 15 years back, having a drink with a very close friend I have known since school. Someone tells me that his partner of 16 years is having an affair and is about to leave him that very night with their 3 children to start a new life with the other guy. I tell my friend within a few minutes and all hell breaks loose. The female goes mad at me, friends blame me, he thanks me but wants more info than I can give as I have only just found out, but suddenly he does not believe me!. 15 years on, they married 3 years after that, had another 2 children and neither has spoken to me since |
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By *isa 59Woman
over a year ago
Newcastle |
I wouldn't presume to comment on what you should do as it's your best friend and you know her and her situation better than me.
As to what I would do if it was me? My bestie is just that...my bestie! She knows I'm on here and we've already had this conversation. She has asked me to tell her should I ever come across her husband on here...so that's what I'll do. |
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"Who knows they could be on here as a couple and play alone. Id stay out.
Wow, good point - if never even thought of that!!
If he is playing with her permission, then she won't mind if you tell her about it will she?
How do you know that? People's private lives are called that for a reason.
Well let's be honest about it, meeting other people for sex is actually the absolute opposite of keeping something private. It is the most intimate thing you can do!
I meant how do you know she won't mind being told. Everyone is different with regard to how they run their life and some people are more private than others.
I think that our differing opinions are probably why this type of question always causes such fierce arguments
Yeah, if everyone just agreed with me from the start it would be much easier!
I know what you mean and I can see your point.
The OP could always take this bloke up on the offer, invite him round for a nice threesome, and then the best friend (his wife) could open the door when he knocks."
Or they could all just agree with me 
That scenario would only be useful if it was filmed for YouTube  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"My husband wants to tip off her husband but then we still give the game away that we're on here.
If we message him on here it won't take a genius for him to work out it's us!!
If we could let him know anonymously would we - he'd just delete his account and pop up somewhere else. If he's not happy at home......
There is no good outcome whatever action we take "
Alright well don't listen to people's opinions on here because they're all going to say something different.
If the situation was reversed and you and your husband weren't on here and he was on here without your permission meeting people for sex behind your back and if he sent your friend a message, would you want your friend to tell you? |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"I'd personally want to know if this was my husband.
Why not screen shot his profile, print it off, then post it to her anonymously?"
I have done but have been mulling over what to do |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"My husband wants to tip off her husband but then we still give the game away that we're on here.
If we message him on here it won't take a genius for him to work out it's us!!
If we could let him know anonymously would we - he'd just delete his account and pop up somewhere else. If he's not happy at home......
There is no good outcome whatever action we take
Alright well don't listen to people's opinions on here because they're all going to say something different.
If the situation was reversed and you and your husband weren't on here and he was on here without your permission meeting people for sex behind your back and if he sent your friend a message, would you want your friend to tell you? "
I honestly don't know because life as I know it right now would never be the same |
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"I'd personally want to know if this was my husband.
Why not screen shot his profile, print it off, then post it to her anonymously?
I have done but have been mulling over what to do "
Anonymous letters are never a good idea, they're intimidating and make the recipient wonder who's watching them, who sent it and why.
If your idea is to spare your friend pain that isn't the way to do it. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I'd personally want to know if this was my husband.
Why not screen shot his profile, print it off, then post it to her anonymously?
I have done but have been mulling over what to do "
Ever heard of cornering a wounded animal? Say you tell. She kicks him out. Whos he gonna blame for that. Got nowt to lose as he. |
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OP, if you really think your friend should know, then a few minutes of embarrassment is surely worth helping her.
If not having anyone know, not even your best friend, is that important to you then you should say nothing and leave it be.
Anonymous letters would just compound her pain, not alleviate it. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I would never get involved in other people's relationships regardless of whether they were best friends.
We don't know what goes on in others relationships and we don't know the impact of this kind of news. You don't know whether she might suspect already. When you tell someone something like this, you are forcing then to confront something they may not be ready to deal with. You would become associated with that pain and I think the friends relationship would suffer.
If it happened to me I would understand a friend not telling me. |
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Why not use another profile to message him? That way he has no way of knowing it's you. You can never tell what is going on in someone else's relationship, but at least this will give you a chance to speak to him, find out why he is doing this (he must have reasons), and point out his lack of discretion is very disrespectful and if he cares about your friend and doesn't want to hurt her he needs to stop |
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By *lighty1Woman
over a year ago
You Dont Need to Know, right now |
Unblock him, send him a message saying that you know his wife, and that he must either tell her himself, or leave Fab. Block him again quickly (before he checks your pics and guesses who you are).
He will probably delete his profile (you could check in a week or so, if you were really thinking about telling her).
Whether or not he tells his wife, whether or not he makes a new profile (where he would block you of course), you have done your duty by your friend by giving him a chance to put it right himself, before any harm was done.
Your conscience is clear, and you haven't had to hurt your friend needlessly.
With no verifications, he could just be a fantasist, could be the men-o-pause. It's doesn't warrant interfering in their marriage. I hope all goes well for her (and for you, whatever you decide to do). |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I'd personally want to know if this was my husband.
Why not screen shot his profile, print it off, then post it to her anonymously?
I have done but have been mulling over what to do "
What a cruel cowardly thing to consider! If you feel you have to tell her and potentially destroy her life and marriage, at least have the courage to tell her to her face - then deal with the consequences.
Personally though I think it's none of your business, best friend or not. |
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"So minding my own business and my best friends husband messages me!
He has a face pic and even gives out his real mobile number (does he want to get caught!).
I obviously don't want my friend knowing what I get up to in my spare time with my husband but I've come to the conclusion that it's not my place to say anything. The truth will out eventually - I'd rather not get involved.
Is this wrong?"
depends on what her reaction would be. I wouldn't say anything but then I'd block him and forget it happened...maybe threaten to tell her first. Question is, did he know who you were; that would be awkward for you. |
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My mind goes into overdrive reading this.
Firstly - he may not have realised who you were and messaged you as you were close by, but now if he reads the forums it's not going to take much to figure out you're talking about him & you've given your identity away.
Secondly - what if your friend knows your on fab without you realising and she's asked him to set up a profile & message you to see your reaction and then you say nothing?! Is she going to feel betrayed.....
Whole can of worms ! And probably not a very useful reply but some food for thought..... |
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"My mind goes into overdrive reading this.
Firstly - he may not have realised who you were and messaged you as you were close by, but now if he reads the forums it's not going to take much to figure out you're talking about him & you've given your identity away.
Secondly - what if your friend knows your on fab without you realising and she's asked him to set up a profile & message you to see your reaction and then you say nothing?! Is she going to feel betrayed.....
Whole can of worms ! And probably not a very useful reply but some food for thought....."
If the second scenario applies she's just weird  First scenario is entirely possible. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Unblock him, send him a message saying that you know his wife, and that he must either tell her himself, or leave Fab. Block him again quickly (before he checks your pics and guesses who you are).
He will probably delete his profile (you could check in a week or so, if you were really thinking about telling her).
Whether or not he tells his wife, whether or not he makes a new profile (where he would block you of course), you have done your duty by your friend by giving him a chance to put it right himself, before any harm was done.
Your conscience is clear, and you haven't had to hurt your friend needlessly.
With no verifications, he could just be a fantasist, could be the men-o-pause. It's doesn't warrant interfering in their marriage. I hope all goes well for her (and for you, whatever you decide to do)."
You haven't done anything but give him the opertunity to not get caught.
Certainly not done your duty |
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