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Daughter's homophobic racist boyfriend
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Hi guys,
Just wondering what people's opinions are.....
Our 18 year old daughter started seeing a guy in November.
During her life she's grown up with good friends from varied backgrounds/races/sexualities etc and she doesn't have a hateful bone in her body.
This guy comes out with racist crap, and tells her if a gay person came into the room he would get up and walk out. He's also got her broke as she drives him all over the place and puts all her money in petrol for her car.
We even found out she's borrowed money from our 10 year old son's money box as she's been so broke.
She's told so many lies over the last few weeks, she has taken our relationship to breaking point.
The thing is she is so blind to what everyone can see; she just doesn't get it that she's sold out her tolerant values, and he's freeloading from her.
We don't want to interfere, but this guy has influenced her so much to the point where we don't even know her anymore.
Any advice or opinions on what we could say or do? |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Difficult situation to be in coming from someone who's been in your daughters situation.. Well very similar I'd say. When my parents tried to warn me I'd always see it as an attack and felt very much in the middle between them and him. The more they told me I shouldn't be with him the more I rebelled and seen him more often. It's hard I'm not telling you to not speak to her about it though. I found that I seen him for what he was eventually but by then I was broke and my confidence was at rock bottom. I'm sorry if that doesn't seem helpful I'm just trying to give an honest answer good luck I hope she wakes up to him ASAP xxx |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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You know the minute you show your disapproval he will become the most important thing in the world it's a very tricky one
I think letting her make this mistake now might save her later otherwise maybe a God parent/aunty uncle could drop some hints he's a tool. I don't think any good can come from you saying something though unless it can be very subtle maybe a reminder of a gay friend? |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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My parents never had a problem telling me when I was wrong. Even now when I'm way older than 18!
If you don't want to just tell her, then leave her to it. She is an adult now and may have to learn for herself.
-Courtney |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Hi guys,
Just wondering what people's opinions are.....
Our 18 year old daughter started seeing a guy in November.
During her life she's grown up with good friends from varied backgrounds/races/sexualities etc and she doesn't have a hateful bone in her body.
This guy comes out with racist crap, and tells her if a gay person came into the room he would get up and walk out. He's also got her broke as she drives him all over the place and puts all her money in petrol for her car.
We even found out she's borrowed money from our 10 year old son's money box as she's been so broke.
She's told so many lies over the last few weeks, she has taken our relationship to breaking point.
The thing is she is so blind to what everyone can see; she just doesn't get it that she's sold out her tolerant values, and he's freeloading from her.
We don't want to interfere, but this guy has influenced her so much to the point where we don't even know her anymore.
Any advice or opinions on what we could say or do?"
Oh no, thats horrible. It's a hard one because if you try stop her seeing him then she will probably rebel and be even more infatuated with this idiot.
I really sympathise, terrifies me knowing that mine will have all these issues in years to come. Its so much easier when they are kids.
Its sneaky, it's horrible but desperate times call for desperate measures- maybe sabotage things somehow? Make it look like he's cheating or something???
Good luck whatever you decide to do! Im sure in time she will realise he is not a nice person and can do much better  |
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When I was 18 I knew everything.
The more someone said no I couldn't do something, the more likely it was I would do it.
My best advice would be to turn it round and try to include him as part of your family. Better they are under your roof where you can attempt to have some influence over the situation and try and educate him. Chances are that her personality will eventually shine through and hopefully rub off on him. It's likely that those ideas he has came from home. Might be worth showing him how other people live.
Tricky situation but people can change for the better. Good luck. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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hmmm i agree with a few comments made. shes your lil girl still and some fool thinks he can manipulate. sounds like he thinks hes the man!! or so very not. walking out with a gay in the room?? very mature....yes hes prob thought about a bloke or too...racist yes hes prob been nocked out by a black man too. you could hope that shes realises in her own time? or try talking to her friends maybe she'd listen to them? or pay some crack head to drop him off far far away......DO WHAT IT TAKES GET RID OF THIS FOOL |
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She's at that difficult age that we've all been through, no matter how close we are to Our parents if they try to tell us what to do we rebel. (trust me I did it big style, walked out of the family home after an argument and stayed with my arsehole, now ex, for 12 years to prove my parents wrong).
The best thing is support her in all she chooses, make sure your relationship stays strong and be there when she sees him for what he is.
As for the boyfriend, still invite him round but also continue to see your friends who are gay or different colours/race. Invite them round as you usually would and if he has a problem and walks out hopefully she will start the process of breaking away.
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"When I was 18 I knew everything.
The more someone said no I couldn't do something, the more likely it was I would do it.
My best advice would be to turn it round and try to include him as part of your family. Better they are under your roof where you can attempt to have some influence over the situation and try and educate him. Chances are that her personality will eventually shine through and hopefully rub off on him. It's likely that those ideas he has came from home. Might be worth showing him how other people live.
Tricky situation but people can change for the better. Good luck. "
Nothing more attractive than a man your family doesnt like. Don't make her choose sides and make it clear that you are always there for her.
Chances are she will be embarrassed of his views and will figure him out by herself.
Been there and got the t-shirt on both sides of the fence x |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I would sit her down and tell her exactly what I thought of him. No holds barred.
But I would then tell her I loved her and she was an adult and therefore if she wanted to carry on then it's her decision.
Perhaps google the crush project - women's aid and get her to have look.
Then step back and wait for it to fall apart.
He sounds a right knob! What do her friends think of him? |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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He sounds different & unfortunately with teenagers that's probably part the appeal to her.
Any negativity from you about him will fuel the fire & cloud her judgement further. BUT don't let her run circles around you & the rest of the family. Whilst she lives at home she follows your rules so reinforce the basic ones about respect & not 'borrowing' money without asking.
Deal with specific facts, if he's in your house spouting racist / homophobic shite then tell him it's not acceptable, likewise to your daughter too.
Be there for her but be firm too, sounds like she may well need you in the long term.
Good luck x |
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His political attitudes don't seem that relevant here. You may not like them but either she does or he has other redeeming attitudes. You can argue these with him or her as they arise reasonably dispassionately
More important. Is he a good boyfriend generally. Does he care for her? Has he got prospects? Sounds like he is unemployed got no car no motivation. If she has a y gumption nd you have been good parents she Wll come to appreciate this is going nowhere. My stepdaughter has had several boyfriends like that she likes them they have a good time so it's ok but if they are sponges she tires of them after a year or so. Just make sure you remind her to look after her financial interests etc:
Not taking out loans or accounts with him. You can tell her you don't like him but nothing matters as long as she is not tying her future to him.
Tbh you are worrying a bit too early |
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Guys thank you so much for your replies xxx
We have tried talking to her so many times, but we don't want to interfere to the point where we tell her to get rid. We know how it works.....she'll dig her heels in and do the opposite.
We just couldn't bear her confident, positive, refreshing outlook being eroded by this manipulative little prick. I (dad) would love to pop round and have a quiet word but his arrogance would probably lead to me helping him to take a nap which would be totally counter productive lol.
We'll definitely take your kind comments on board and hopefully she'll have a look at how things are going for her.
Thank you so much xxx
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"He sounds different & unfortunately with teenagers that's probably part the appeal to her.
Any negativity from you about him will fuel the fire & cloud her judgement further. BUT don't let her run circles around you & the rest of the family. Whilst she lives at home she follows your rules so reinforce the basic ones about respect & not 'borrowing' money without asking.
Deal with specific facts, if he's in your house spouting racist / homophobic shite then tell him it's not acceptable, likewise to your daughter too.
Be there for her but be firm too, sounds like she may well need you in the long term.
Good luck x"
Have you any gay friends with whom your daughter is friendly? If you do, and if you warn them in advance, it might have an appropriate effect on your daughter if you invited everyone around for dinner. She might then understand that her boyfriend's intolerance is not a good trait.
Sorry if this is an odd response but sometimes I come at these things in a slightly different way. |
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I've been in both sets of shoes. Boyfriend where the parents disapproved (I wasn't Jewish, she was) and then with someone I tried to save from herself (alcoholic).
Made the mistake of getting engaged in the first relationship then broke it off when I realised the religion thing couldn't be overcome. With the alcoholic, she had to want to stop for her own reasons and not mine.
Despite our best efforts our children sometimes hide problems within.
Have you chatted about what it is she likes about him, what excites her when he talks, what he's like in bed, how he makes her feel inside?
I'm no expert but I'd be surprised if she didn't worry about some inner fear: self esteem, body shape / size, food, sexual performance, attractiveness.
Yes 18 allows her to make her own mistakes, all you can do is talk without confronting her, love her unconditionally, accept the boyfriend (unless his views & behaviours are too extreme), don't leave your cash and her brothers money box lying around. Change your PINs.
You keep on doing the good things and show the right values. They have rubbed off, she just needs to find them and herself again.
Wish you two every good luck.
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"I would sit her down and tell her exactly what I thought of him. No holds barred.
But I would then tell her I loved her and she was an adult and therefore if she wanted to carry on then it's her decision.
Perhaps google the crush project - women's aid and get her to have look.
Then step back and wait for it to fall apart.
He sounds a right knob! What do her friends think of him?"
I'd love to be able to tell you but she's drifted from her friends  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Guys thank you so much for your replies xxx
We have tried talking to her so many times, but we don't want to interfere to the point where we tell her to get rid. We know how it works.....she'll dig her heels in and do the opposite.
We just couldn't bear her confident, positive, refreshing outlook being eroded by this manipulative little prick. I (dad) would love to pop round and have a quiet word but his arrogance would probably lead to me helping him to take a nap which would be totally counter productive lol.
We'll definitely take your kind comments on board and hopefully she'll have a look at how things are going for her.
Thank you so much xxx
"
Hope it works out
It's hard to sit from the sidelines & watch young adults make what we see as mistakes but sometimes that's what has to happen so they can take control of their own lives, learn by it & move on. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Difficult situation to be in coming from someone who's been in your daughters situation.. Well very similar I'd say. When my parents tried to warn me I'd always see it as an attack and felt very much in the middle between them and him. The more they told me I shouldn't be with him the more I rebelled and seen him more often. It's hard I'm not telling you to not speak to her about it though. I found that I seen him for what he was eventually but by then I was broke and my confidence was at rock bottom. I'm sorry if that doesn't seem helpful I'm just trying to give an honest answer good luck I hope she wakes up to him ASAP xxx"
This xx |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Just had a thought if she feels she has to lie to you deep down she knows this guy is wrong for her. She knows you will not approve of him. She will get fed up with him making her skint all the time. Don't give her any extra money and keep any money you have locked away so she can't access it. |
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your probably not going to like this but if shes so broke that shes got to pinch or borrow from a money box its to let her hit rock bottom and have nothing ( you cant freeload when you have nothing and cant get run everywhere either )
it may cause an argument between each other so sort it out before you start doing something
many have said having a word wont work so let them run there life
just be there when it all goes wrong
having to deal with it already and im watching my niece whos doing it
ive still got it coming myself |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"When I was 18 I knew everything.
The more someone said no I couldn't do something, the more likely it was I would do it.
My best advice would be to turn it round and try to include him as part of your family. Better they are under your roof where you can attempt to have some influence over the situation and try and educate him. Chances are that her personality will eventually shine through and hopefully rub off on him. It's likely that those ideas he has came from home. Might be worth showing him how other people live.
Tricky situation but people can change for the better. Good luck. "
I think this is very wise advice from _irtygirl!
Although personally I'd feel better pinning the little bastard up against the wall and threatening to smack the shit out of him if he uttered one racist/homophobic word in my house!
Wouldn't help my daughter, but would make me feel a whole lot better!
I'd stick to _irtygirl's advice!
Best of luck x |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Guys thank you so much for your replies xxx
We have tried talking to her so many times, but we don't want to interfere to the point where we tell her to get rid. We know how it works.....she'll dig her heels in and do the opposite.
We just couldn't bear her confident, positive, refreshing outlook being eroded by this manipulative little prick. I (dad) would love to pop round and have a quiet word but his arrogance would probably lead to me helping him to take a nap which would be totally counter productive lol.
We'll definitely take your kind comments on board and hopefully she'll have a look at how things are going for her.
Thank you so much xxx
"
tell her if she thinks its right to steal from her brothers bank so she can take the knob to places in her car? Tell her to ask him where his money is and to put fuel in the car if he wants to go places, i know what i would do if he came in my house spouting crap like that, he would be dragged out the house with a firm boot up the arse and told never to return, as for your daughter she is blinded by love and cant see or listen to common sense given to her by you, hope she see's sense and gets rid of the time-wasting sponger asap |
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"Difficult situation to be in coming from someone who's been in your daughters situation.. Well very similar I'd say. When my parents tried to warn me I'd always see it as an attack and felt very much in the middle between them and him. The more they told me I shouldn't be with him the more I rebelled and seen him more often. It's hard I'm not telling you to not speak to her about it though. I found that I seen him for what he was eventually but by then I was broke and my confidence was at rock bottom. I'm sorry if that doesn't seem helpful I'm just trying to give an honest answer good luck I hope she wakes up to him ASAP xxx"
For this reason my husband and I kept our own counsel, bit our tongues and didn't comment on the boy our eldest dated. The only comment we made was at her graduation when she wanted him in the official photos. I suggested it wasn't a good idea as "you never know...".
I have a permanent reminder of the prick as his beaming mug stares at me from the photo! 
We didn't want him to appear more attractive or us criticising her decision. Took her six years to ditch the loser but still doesn't know we loathed him with a passion and never will.
Op, leave her to it. If you've raised her with certain values eventually she'll wise up to this man. Don't cut of communications with them, grit your teeth and continue your love and support.
It will be tough, good luck! |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Guys thank you so much for your replies xxx
We have tried talking to her so many times, but we don't want to interfere to the point where we tell her to get rid. We know how it works.....she'll dig her heels in and do the opposite.
We just couldn't bear her confident, positive, refreshing outlook being eroded by this manipulative little prick. I (dad) would love to pop round and have a quiet word but his arrogance would probably lead to me helping him to take a nap which would be totally counter productive lol.
We'll definitely take your kind comments on board and hopefully she'll have a look at how things are going for her.
Thank you so much xxx
"
If you do anything do it in front of her, not behind her back. If he is manipulative (and i believe he sounds it) then he will twist anything you do behind her back into something else - and do this to make you look bad.
Watch for more signs of abuse. Make sure you keep in touch with her even if she stops wanting to keep in touch with you because if he gets a hint of you don't approve of him then he will try to distance her from you.
Don't attack him, get her to remain communicative and open with you so that if she has any doubts she will come to you with them. Obviously if there's any violence then step in then, no holds barred.
It's nothing you've done wrong bringing her up either. Abusers often go for empathetic and kind types because they make excuses for poor behaviour and try to help these douches out when they're often beyond help. So don't blame yourselves for that. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Ban him from the house.
Don't give your daughter any money.
Hide all the money in the house.
A broke teenager will dump their soulmate for a couple of quid, you just have to be patient. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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thats the thing about liberal 'tolerance' - its only good so long as your opinions match ours.
so what if hes 'racist' and, that lovely word that makes no sense - homophobic?
we're all allowed opinions, so far anyway. til they become illegal.
as for him being a tea leaf. no doubt your daughter is a saint yes? she will save the world one day, surely. remember , when she gets beatified - you heard it here first folks |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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My ex was incredibly controlling to the point she would dictate when I go to college, what friends I see (eventually none) and even dragged me away from family events. Of course being young I fell madly in love and was totally blind to all of this because I truly believed she was perfect. My family tried talking to me, they got my old friends to get back in touch with me and tell me their opinions and it took months and months of nagging to open my eyes and the thing that finally made me see sense was when my brother called me and said "I want my brother back". My brother is not an emotional person and being older than me he has always claimed he hates me but to hear him say that broke my heart and there's no way I could ignore it. It was a lot easier for me to end it than it would of been to be broken by her |
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"He sounds different & unfortunately with teenagers that's probably part the appeal to her.
Any negativity from you about him will fuel the fire & cloud her judgement further. BUT don't let her run circles around you & the rest of the family. Whilst she lives at home she follows your rules so reinforce the basic ones about respect & not 'borrowing' money without asking.
Deal with specific facts, if he's in your house spouting racist / homophobic shite then tell him it's not acceptable, likewise to your daughter too.
Be there for her but be firm too, sounds like she may well need you in the long term.
Good luck x
Have you any gay friends with whom your daughter is friendly? If you do, and if you warn them in advance, it might have an appropriate effect on your daughter if you invited everyone around for dinner. She might then understand that her boyfriend's intolerance is not a good trait.
Sorry if this is an odd response but sometimes I come at these things in a slightly different way."
I get what you're saying there. She's got lots of gay friends but she's drifted away from them and kind of sold herself out in terms of her own beliefs etc.
My question to her was if she's out with him in a bar or whatever, and her gay friends walked in and started talking to her (some of whom she's known all her life), who would she turn her back on?
She couldn't answer but still this guy seems worth it |
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"Just had a thought if she feels she has to lie to you deep down she knows this guy is wrong for her. She knows you will not approve of him. She will get fed up with him making her skint all the time. Don't give her any extra money and keep any money you have locked away so she can't access it. "
Thank you for that....good way of thinking |
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"Ban him from the house.
Don't give your daughter any money.
Hide all the money in the house.
A broke teenager will dump their soulmate for a couple of quid, you just have to be patient. "
That's a sure way to dissolve all trust between child and parent. If you ban him from the house then she's just gonna go elsewhere with him and then you cut a little bit more from your relationship.
Of course, I'm not a parent, I just remember what it was like be a teenager and to go out with (a) a boy 20 years older than me (b) a bad boy who ended up in prison and (c) the boy I lost my virginity to and then proceeded to tell my Mum about. 
My parents were not at all happy with any of these examples (there were more, lots more) but they knew me well enough to know that support was better than laying down the law. I knew they were unhappy but like I said earlier, I knew everything as a teenager (didn't we all?) and legally an adult. I lived under their roof so to an extent I abided by their rules.
It's not always the smartest solution to kick off and think later. Think first! |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Just had a thought if she feels she has to lie to you deep down she knows this guy is wrong for her. She knows you will not approve of him. She will get fed up with him making her skint all the time. Don't give her any extra money and keep any money you have locked away so she can't access it.
Thank you for that....good way of thinking "
I really had a think about your problem and how I would have delbt with it had it been any of my kids I did try pming you but filters stopped me. Good luck with it all. My one advice above all others is be there for her when it all crashes round her |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"thats the thing about liberal 'tolerance' - its only good so long as your opinions match ours.
so what if hes 'racist' and, that lovely word that makes no sense - homophobic?
we're all allowed opinions, so far anyway. til they become illegal.
as for him being a tea leaf. no doubt your daughter is a saint yes? she will save the world one day, surely. remember , when she gets beatified - you heard it here first folks"
Shit! The boyfriend is on fab! |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I tell my son in laws straight when they say or do something I don't feel comfortable with. I'm the mother in law,it's my duty. My daughters know me and we have a good relationship. Thankfully a new son in law to the family is nothing like the old one,I just have the one to contend with now  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"thats the thing about liberal 'tolerance' - its only good so long as your opinions match ours.
so what if hes 'racist' and, that lovely word that makes no sense - homophobic?
we're all allowed opinions, so far anyway. til they become illegal.
as for him being a tea leaf. no doubt your daughter is a saint yes? she will save the world one day, surely. remember , when she gets beatified - you heard it here first folks
Shit! The boyfriend is on fab! "
Ha ha well spotted |
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We empathise. Our situation while similar wasn't quite the same, we sat it out ensuring that our door was always open. There was one occasion when said boyfriend was waiting outside in his car and Mr N just beat me to it to "have a chat" there is a limit to what you should tolerate we believe but it's a fine line you tread between letting them make their own mistakes and watching them get pulled down and doing nothing. Don't even get me started on our sons escapades |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"He sounds different & unfortunately with teenagers that's probably part the appeal to her.
Any negativity from you about him will fuel the fire & cloud her judgement further. BUT don't let her run circles around you & the rest of the family. Whilst she lives at home she follows your rules so reinforce the basic ones about respect & not 'borrowing' money without asking.
Deal with specific facts, if he's in your house spouting racist / homophobic shite then tell him it's not acceptable, likewise to your daughter too.
Be there for her but be firm too, sounds like she may well need you in the long term.
Good luck x
Have you any gay friends with whom your daughter is friendly? If you do, and if you warn them in advance, it might have an appropriate effect on your daughter if you invited everyone around for dinner. She might then understand that her boyfriend's intolerance is not a good trait.
Sorry if this is an odd response but sometimes I come at these things in a slightly different way.
I get what you're saying there. She's got lots of gay friends but she's drifted away from them and kind of sold herself out in terms of her own beliefs etc.
My question to her was if she's out with him in a bar or whatever, and her gay friends walked in and started talking to her (some of whom she's known all her life), who would she turn her back on?
She couldn't answer but still this guy seems worth it "
.
Love is like cancer, it cares not about your personal beliefs or problems but will come and go as it pleases!..
Young love is definitely the most blind |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"He sounds different & unfortunately with teenagers that's probably part the appeal to her.
Any negativity from you about him will fuel the fire & cloud her judgement further. BUT don't let her run circles around you & the rest of the family. Whilst she lives at home she follows your rules so reinforce the basic ones about respect & not 'borrowing' money without asking.
Deal with specific facts, if he's in your house spouting racist / homophobic shite then tell him it's not acceptable, likewise to your daughter too.
Be there for her but be firm too, sounds like she may well need you in the long term.
Good luck x
Have you any gay friends with whom your daughter is friendly? If you do, and if you warn them in advance, it might have an appropriate effect on your daughter if you invited everyone around for dinner. She might then understand that her boyfriend's intolerance is not a good trait.
Sorry if this is an odd response but sometimes I come at these things in a slightly different way.
I get what you're saying there. She's got lots of gay friends but she's drifted away from them and kind of sold herself out in terms of her own beliefs etc.
My question to her was if she's out with him in a bar or whatever, and her gay friends walked in and started talking to her (some of whom she's known all her life), who would she turn her back on?
She couldn't answer but still this guy seems worth it .
Love is like cancer, it cares not about your personal beliefs or problems but will come and go as it pleases!..
Young love is definitely the most blind"
She should ditch him before he distroy her personality, your relationship with your daughter and between you and your hubby. |
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Have you thought about providing a different example?
Getting involved in local LGBT groups or helping at the local Pride parade, maybe even contact her friends so you all get involved together.
She'll see that there's things she's missing out on and maybe come to her senses?
Wagging your finger probably won't work but not letting his indoctrination cloud her might work to some degree. |
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"Have you thought about providing a different example?
Getting involved in local LGBT groups or helping at the local Pride parade, maybe even contact her friends so you all get involved together.
She'll see that there's things she's missing out on and maybe come to her senses?
Wagging your finger probably won't work but not letting his indoctrination cloud her might work to some degree. "
I think they have provided a different example in the way they've been all her life. As kids and young adults we're often attracted to the polar opposite of what we're used to, just to see what it's like (I could tell tales of our kids that would mean no perming solution would be required for the next ten years they'd make your hair curl that much) and hopefully if your parents remain consistent in their views, behaviour and love you Will go back to your core values. However if as adults they choose to reject the values of their parents there isn't a great deal can be done. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Be the bad guys! How hard can these situations be?
You sit her down you tell her your thoughts on him and the you don't ask her to break up with him, you simply give her an ultimatum, break up with him and continue to live with you "assuming she still does" or stay with him but move out!
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"Be the bad guys! How hard can these situations be?
You sit her down you tell her your thoughts on him and the you don't ask her to break up with him, you simply give her an ultimatum, break up with him and continue to live with you "assuming she still does" or stay with him but move out!
"
Teenagers like to rebel. My parents told me not to do something then it made me more determined to do it. |
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"Difficult situation to be in coming from someone who's been in your daughters situation.. Well very similar I'd say. When my parents tried to warn me I'd always see it as an attack and felt very much in the middle between them and him. The more they told me I shouldn't be with him the more I rebelled and seen him more often. It's hard I'm not telling you to not speak to her about it though. I found that I seen him for what he was eventually but by then I was broke and my confidence was at rock bottom. I'm sorry if that doesn't seem helpful I'm just trying to give an honest answer good luck I hope she wakes up to him ASAP xxx"
This was my first thought. Been victim of a few gold diggers myself. Any time you say you don't like him etc, you're likely to push her towards him. It's tricky  |
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By *ugby 123Couple
over a year ago
Forum Mod O o O oo |
Sadly no matter how much you want to interfere you can't as it normally backfires and makes them want the man more. I would make sure she knows your house rules though including money borrowing.
You could always plant little seeds to help move it along, rather than a "lets sit down and talk" scenario.
Just be there waiting for when it goes pear shaped. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"You could always plant little seeds to help move it along"
I'm not a parent and I doubt I'll ever be up for the job, but this was my initial thoughts when I read this and thought about it; let her come to her own conclusion by subtly making her question it herself.
He could just have a foot long dick and then you're screwed though. |
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"Have you thought about providing a different example?
Getting involved in local LGBT groups or helping at the local Pride parade, maybe even contact her friends so you all get involved together.
She'll see that there's things she's missing out on and maybe come to her senses?
Wagging your finger probably won't work but not letting his indoctrination cloud her might work to some degree.
I think they have provided a different example in the way they've been all her life. As kids and young adults we're often attracted to the polar opposite of what we're used to, just to see what it's like (I could tell tales of our kids that would mean no perming solution would be required for the next ten years they'd make your hair curl that much) and hopefully if your parents remain consistent in their views, behaviour and love you Will go back to your core values. However if as adults they choose to reject the values of their parents there isn't a great deal can be done."
I was meaning that giving her an opportunity to be involved in other things, other than him, might make her edge away from him.
Seeing family and friends involved in things that he's against provides a different narrative that isn't about being told off or spoken to - you're showing her the alternative rather than just telling her about it.
That sounds quite jumbled but I hope you get what I mean. |
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By *ugby 123Couple
over a year ago
Forum Mod O o O oo |
"You could always plant little seeds to help move it along
I'm not a parent and I doubt I'll ever be up for the job, but this was my initial thoughts when I read this and thought about it; let her come to her own conclusion by subtly making her question it herself.
He could just have a foot long dick and then you're screwed though."
It worked for us
The foot long dick eventually gets less desirable when you think it should be on their forehead instead |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Be the bad guys! How hard can these situations be?
Very hard
Giving ultimatums could backfire."
Then be prepared for the backfire, they're are only two option split up with him & stay or stay with him and leave home, if she chooses him then she's out on her arse with him. 18 isn't a child she's an adult and if she makes a daft desicion and picks him then she will learn the hard way. Can't coddle kids all your lives people |
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By *ugby 123Couple
over a year ago
Forum Mod O o O oo |
"Be the bad guys! How hard can these situations be?
Very hard
Giving ultimatums could backfire.
Then be prepared for the backfire, they're are only two option split up with him & stay or stay with him and leave home, if she chooses him then she's out on her arse with him. 18 isn't a child she's an adult and if she makes a daft desicion and picks him then she will learn the hard way. Can't coddle kids all your lives people "
You can't mollycoddles kids no, but you don't want to alienate them either . If you keep them within sight at least you can be there if there is any fall out. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Be the bad guys! How hard can these situations be?
Very hard
Giving ultimatums could backfire.
Then be prepared for the backfire, they're are only two option split up with him & stay or stay with him and leave home, if she chooses him then she's out on her arse with him. 18 isn't a child she's an adult and if she makes a daft desicion and picks him then she will learn the hard way. Can't coddle kids all your lives people "
my parents gave me a similar choice years ago, when I was 16 I was heavy into drink and drugs, hanging about with all the wrong types of people, so 1 day they sat me down in the house they had 2big suitcases with them full of my stuff.
They said I had 2 options
1. Keep doing what I'm doing, hanging about with the arseholes I hang about with & I can move out there and then!
2. Stop drinking, stop taking drugs, stop hanging about with scum & I can take my stuff back upstairs and continue living with them.
I chose option 2 & haven't drank or took drugs since that day, and never spoke to those people again, made new friends and settled down a lot, was hard at the time but can honestly say best desicion I ever made and I'm glad my mum and dad were tough enough to do it.
If they never done that to me I'd either be a homeless alcoholic drug user, or dead |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Don't get involved... Be there when it falls appart.... As Will her friends If they are true friends
Not much else you can do. She is an adult.
Just don't help fund the relationship. Put her rent up, charge for use of facilties etc.. But put it away for her... He will soon get fed up if she can't run him around |
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"Be the bad guys! How hard can these situations be?
Very hard
Giving ultimatums could backfire.
Then be prepared for the backfire, they're are only two option split up with him & stay or stay with him and leave home, if she chooses him then she's out on her arse with him. 18 isn't a child she's an adult and if she makes a daft desicion and picks him then she will learn the hard way. Can't coddle kids all your lives people "
Far easier said than done. I'm a pretty strict parent but it's one thing to have strict rules quite another to leave your kids to the sole influence of an undesirable.
I would intervene but in a calm and neutral manner.
I would not attack the boyfriend but I would say that you are concerned about the views that you have heard.
I would openly challenge on the stealing from her sibling. Again no need to throw a wobbler but be firm that stealing is unacceptable and that she has to repay it.
If he persists in bring his views into the home she will have to meet him out of the house. It's your house and your rules apply.
I would not suggest she leaves him that's her choice. Try to take on and highlight the action rather than take on the bf.
Also check out some parental websites and possibly speak to a professional as us swingers are only wise to our own experiences and even those who have been through the same may have different results from different approaches. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Personally, I would say to her as a consequence of stealing from her brother I would expect her to attend something like gamblers anonymous and maybe do a stint volunteering at the local womans refuge.
Hopefully that will get her to change her behaviour about money and change her perspective about making the wrong choices in men.
If you moan at her she will get defensive and it wont work |
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"Have you thought about providing a different example?
Getting involved in local LGBT groups or helping at the local Pride parade, maybe even contact her friends so you all get involved together.
She'll see that there's things she's missing out on and maybe come to her senses?
Wagging your finger probably won't work but not letting his indoctrination cloud her might work to some degree.
I think they have provided a different example in the way they've been all her life. As kids and young adults we're often attracted to the polar opposite of what we're used to, just to see what it's like (I could tell tales of our kids that would mean no perming solution would be required for the next ten years they'd make your hair curl that much) and hopefully if your parents remain consistent in their views, behaviour and love you Will go back to your core values. However if as adults they choose to reject the values of their parents there isn't a great deal can be done.
I was meaning that giving her an opportunity to be involved in other things, other than him, might make her edge away from him.
Seeing family and friends involved in things that he's against provides a different narrative that isn't about being told off or spoken to - you're showing her the alternative rather than just telling her about it.
That sounds quite jumbled but I hope you get what I mean. "
Yes I do and what you say makes a lot of sense |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Be the bad guys! How hard can these situations be?
Very hard
Giving ultimatums could backfire.
Then be prepared for the backfire, they're are only two option split up with him & stay or stay with him and leave home, if she chooses him then she's out on her arse with him. 18 isn't a child she's an adult and if she makes a daft desicion and picks him then she will learn the hard way. Can't coddle kids all your lives people my parents gave me a similar choice years ago, when I was 16 I was heavy into drink and drugs, hanging about with all the wrong types of people, so 1 day they sat me down in the house they had 2big suitcases with them full of my stuff.
They said I had 2 options
1. Keep doing what I'm doing, hanging about with the arseholes I hang about with & I can move out there and then!
2. Stop drinking, stop taking drugs, stop hanging about with scum & I can take my stuff back upstairs and continue living with them.
I chose option 2 & haven't drank or took drugs since that day, and never spoke to those people again, made new friends and settled down a lot, was hard at the time but can honestly say best desicion I ever made and I'm glad my mum and dad were tough enough to do it.
If they never done that to me I'd either be a homeless alcoholic drug user, or dead"
I know people who took the option of leaving and now they are dead. Not everyone makes the right decision. |
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Don't forget that at 18, her brain is not yet fully 'mature' and she is caught with being expected to behave like an adult with a child's brain function.
The good news is that you have given her a brilliant foundation to fall back on but in the meantime, things are going to get worse before they get better.
My advice would be, in a moment of calm family time that you tell her you understand how much she loves and wants him and that whatever happens, she can come home at any time, in any situation and know she will be protected, loved and understood and that she will not be ridiculed
or judged.
I really hope it all works out well for your whole family. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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".... As Will her friends If they are true friends
I wouldn't be waiting around for her.
She takes up with someone like that, I wouldn't consider her a true friend. "
Well I would... And have when a friend has been blinded by love |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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".... As Will her friends If they are true friends
I wouldn't be waiting around for her.
She takes up with someone like that, I wouldn't consider her a true friend. "
And of course you are a great and true friend for not being there for a friend whose head has been turned by someone. ... |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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i too feel he is struggling with his own sexuality and trying to place himself beyhond all suspicion by verbally discounting anyone that may resemble his true hidden surpressed self . seen this behaviour all too often sorry to say x good luck but i dont see how you can help without hindering x leah  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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If she is stealing from her 10 yr old brother and will not listen while living under your roof,there is only one outcome,not nice, but she is an adult at 18 ,there is a big wide world out there,we only learn from mistakes unfortunately.not our parents |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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The problem is we will always want to protect our children but sometimes by what we think is protecting them we are actually pushing them away
shes 18 so there is nothing to stop her moving out and in with this guy
personally i feel it is sometimes best to take a step back and juat be there for them because if she fucks up big time im sure you'd sooner it be under your roof than his |
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By *icketysplitsWoman
over a year ago
Way over Yonder, that's where I'm bound |
This love/lust thing is a heady mix for anyone and I have seen 45 year old women (and a few men) get caught in this little trap of being the only one who sees their love the way they do.
Everyone else is wrong and that means he needs more love from her as only her love and understanding will help to save/change him.
It sounds like financial coercion is already in play and there may be other emotional abuse and chipping away at her confidence going on.
Do what you can to reinforce her self-esteem and confidence. If her birthday is coming up or she achieves something throw her a surprise party with lots of her old friends and the family she loves where everyone talks about how proud they are to know her/the things they value about her.
Include him. Be understanding that he doesn't share your views about the world but be firm in making your case for why you hold those views. He may think of you as soft and misguided but that's better than giving him the tools to help him dislodge your daughter from her family.
When it ends help her with the end of relationship sadness and get her to reflect on what she has learnt about herself through this experience.
We all need to learn from mistakes or we are doomed to keep repeating them. She may never feel it was a mistake but if you trust that you know the values your daughter has then you should trust that she will find her way.
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Firstly she's 18, so she can do what she wants. However, under your roof you can have your rules. He wouldn't be allowed in my house if he came out with crap like that.
I didn't spot anywhere where you said whether she still lived with you, but assuming she does, and if she kicks off, then I'd just kick her out. You have no legal obligation to house or support her in any way after the age of 18. If she wants to be treated like a fully grown adult, then let her be one and look after herself. |
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You have influence with your daughter, and control over who enters your home and how they behave there.
If your daughter is now potentially taking money from your home then this is serious enough to speak to her upon. Cover your concern over her financial situation and stability - it may be that she'll open up about other issues at that point, that relate to him and his manipulation etc of her money. If not, then you have started the process of discussing her situation and continue it later.
But set some ground rules about acceptable behaviour from her and him whilst at your home. Emphasise that you love and care for her, so it's not seemingly just about making stiff rules.
I'd not expect to cover everything all in one go, but cracking it is likely to revolve around all of you being active in your communication and time with each other. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Firstly she's 18, so she can do what she wants. However, under your roof you can have your rules. He wouldn't be allowed in my house if he came out with crap like that.
I didn't spot anywhere where you said whether she still lived with you, but assuming she does, and if she kicks off, then I'd just kick her out. You have no legal obligation to house or support her in any way after the age of 18. If she wants to be treated like a fully grown adult, then let her be one and look after herself."
problem is some people actually want their children and to be there for them even after the age of legal obligation
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By *arry247Couple
over a year ago
Wakefield |
Again the forum makes judgements when they have only heard one side of the "debate"
Sorry you could just be over protective parents for all we know putting stress on something he might have said about one person.
Without knowing the complete picture no one here can give good advice |
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By *ugby 123Couple
over a year ago
Forum Mod O o O oo |
"Again the forum makes judgements when they have only heard one side of the "debate"
Sorry you could just be over protective parents for all we know putting stress on something he might have said about one person.
Without knowing the complete picture no one here can give good advice"
They can, they can give advice on the story given. |
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Tell him calmly in front of your daughter that he is welcome to come round your house to see your daughter but he will be asked to leave if he uses anti gay or racist language as it's your house and you have the right to request that.
Good luck sounds a right nightmare of thick scumbag. |
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By *ot40sCouple
over a year ago
birmingham |
"Hi guys,
Just wondering what people's opinions are.....
Our 18 year old daughter started seeing a guy in November.
During her life she's grown up with good friends from varied backgrounds/races/sexualities etc and she doesn't have a hateful bone in her body.
This guy comes out with racist crap, and tells her if a gay person came into the room he would get up and walk out. He's also got her broke as she drives him all over the place and puts all her money in petrol for her car.
We even found out she's borrowed money from our 10 year old son's money box as she's been so broke.
She's told so many lies over the last few weeks, she has taken our relationship to breaking point.
The thing is she is so blind to what everyone can see; she just doesn't get it that she's sold out her tolerant values, and he's freeloading from her.
We don't want to interfere, but this guy has influenced her so much to the point where we don't even know her anymore.
Any advice or opinions on what we could say or do?"
Hi guys this is a really delicate situation because if you try and say he's no good for her it will probably push her even more towards him....unless he is abusive in anyway I personally would just stand back and just be there if she needs you because we had a similar situation so in the end we stopped trying to get our eldest to end the turbulent relationship... He eventually worked it out for himself, I know it's hard to watch your child going through this but one day she will see him for what he is !!!!
Hope things work out for her
Anna x |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Sounds to me like he is emotionally abusing her. this kind of thing is insidious and creeps up on the person being abused, so they don't realise its even happening.
try _ooking at some support sites.....helped my daughter a lot.
wish you all the best.
Steve |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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As much as you'd like her to do what you want, she will do what she wants. Keep talking to her, support her and hopefully she will see the odious little twerp for what he is. |
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Let uncles sort it if there is some I did same with another from other side and slowly was giving remarks about him no good not good enough etc..
Getting stronger and let home life be as normal as you can so she don't just run off with the idiot it all about spending time but can't be too much from home as she'll think your picking on her and him let other take the blame |
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"Hi guys,
Just wondering what people's opinions are.....
Our 18 year old daughter started seeing a guy in November.
During her life she's grown up with good friends from varied backgrounds/races/sexualities etc and she doesn't have a hateful bone in her body.
This guy comes out with racist crap, and tells her if a gay person came into the room he would get up and walk out. He's also got her broke as she drives him all over the place and puts all her money in petrol for her car.
We even found out she's borrowed money from our 10 year old son's money box as she's been so broke.
She's told so many lies over the last few weeks, she has taken our relationship to breaking point.
The thing is she is so blind to what everyone can see; she just doesn't get it that she's sold out her tolerant values, and he's freeloading from her.
We don't want to interfere, but this guy has influenced her so much to the point where we don't even know her anymore.
Any advice or opinions on what we could say or do?"
While I would not normally condone violence this lad needs a proper open handed slap to the jaw,if it were my kid getting the run around like that I would show him up to be a pussy. |
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Can I just say that beating the guy up apart from being illegal would alienate the girl and drive her further into his arms.
You bring your kids up, give them the tools to live a good life and stand on the sidelines waiting to pick up any pieces or cheer them on. Unless circumstances are extreme or dangerous this doesn't include violence. |
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Also he may have different opinions and values but he has not done anything wrong.
The daughter is freely giving him the money. The daughter stole from her brother not him.
Violence for saying if a gay person walked into a room he would walk out does not seem to be on the same level.
Also it hardly preaches tolerance if you are ready to punch someone for a distasteful opinion. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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We have been through this twice with our 18 year old daughter. Now she has a tick box of standards a future boyfriend must have. If they don't tick all boxes she keeps it as friends only.
We treated our daughter as a close friend and told her she was loved every day and had a laugh together when she was at home. Always asked how the boyfriend was and what she'd been doing, but never made any bad comment towards him. We waited until she started to open up around us and ask for advice or tell us more openly on what was going on. This stage took few months to do but it was worth the wait.
She started opening up and telling us that he was spending all her money, which we had already worked out. Around about that time they started arguing down the phone to one another. I would go into her room and just ask if everything was ok and leave them to it.
This is when we found out that he was trying to control her every move, friends, money and the amount of time she spent with us. We gave her space and waited until she opened up more and made home a safe haven for her to be in.
I gave her bits of money to support her if she asked for it and told her to spent it on herself and not him, which she did. Then we knew we'd gained her trust. I started to open up her slowly and say it wasn't right they way she was being treated. Never got in mood with her and alway kept it calm. Told her that she'd alway be skint and work for nothing when she should be saving up to travel the world if she wished to. It gave her the self worth it end it with him and we have a much stronger relationship now.
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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fortunately ive not had this but have had mates who have-making them choose isnt the way as others and yourself have said but maybe pointing out the difference in her attitude and behaviour before and after might give her food for thought |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Forgot to add.
Your daughters boyfriends behaviour and the things he comes out with is probably him trying to be jack the lad and showing off in front of your daughter. So I would just ignore it and take it with a pinch of salt. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Problem is that young girls like the bad boys and their 'bad boy' behaviour. He's just trying to act Macho infront of her, and thinks that being homophobic makes him look tough!
I'd voice your concern, but try not to be too over bearing as you'll push her more into his arms. Also, if she's short on cash, dont bail her out.
Just play it cool, it'll hopefully soon fizzle out! |
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"Forgot to add.
Your daughters boyfriends behaviour and the things he comes out with is probably him trying to be jack the lad and showing off in front of your daughter. So I would just ignore it and take it with a pinch of salt. "
No, I don't agree. He should be treated as an adult so if he says something of that nature it should be picked up on. I refer the OP to my earlier post. There are two issues:
1. Is he up to scratch as a boyfriend. That is not really a concern at this time because their daughter is only 18 and has only been seeing him for about two months. She needs space to make her own mistakes.
2. His views. Just as any adult you should always challenge views you deem to be unacceptable. That has nothing to do with their daughter it's a matter between the parents (as adults) and him(as an adult). Of course if she says something similar or supports him the same applies, they have a right to challenge.
It's the relationship part that needs to be monitored and not, so far, interfered with....unless he is abusing her in any way....I'm quite interested to hear if he has expressed any sexist views. |
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By *inzi LTV/TS
over a year ago
The Garden of Eden in Beautiful North Wales |
I would just like to say that I have reported my own posts to this thread and asked admin to remove them...
I guess I've had one too many wine gums! 
I apologise if I have caused any offence to the OP.  |
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I'm sorry if this has already been said but if he's coming to to your house, why don't you all sit down together and get everything out in the open about how you feel?
Ask him if he really would get up and leave the room if a gay person came in, what would happen if your son was gay? Would your daughter not be able to see him. Like someone has said this might be just be a bit of bravado from this lad. Find out if he is racist. Tell him how you feel about this.
I would also be very firm about how you feel about your daughter ferrying about him and spending all her money on him, she might be happy spending her money on him but it's not on if she's having to borrow money off her brother to fund him.
If you can do this all calmly, he'll know you're into him, if he gets all arsey and storms out your daughter might see a different side of him and ditch the twat!
Good luck
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Just don't get confrontational with the daughter and say "You aren't allowed to see him" as that will end badly.
Try and find some "take the horse to water" style moments to help her reach her own conclusion.
Forcing her to drink from the trough of "This guy is a dickhead" is not great.
But he's a user.
I don't know how men develop in to these things, but I have seen it with friends too many times from user men.
Fortunately as adults, I was able to be frank with those friends, and in the cases, eventually they valued the friendship advice and left the knobs.
So.
Be the friend to that daughter, it may not be an over night solution, but it's a long term one.
IME / IMHO.
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"I would just like to say that I have reported my own posts to this thread and asked admin to remove them...
I guess I've had one too many wine gums!
I apologise if I have caused any offence to the OP. "
Oh didn't see this before I quoted...feel free to remove. |
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