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Jokes!

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By *ashful Baz OP Man over a year ago

poole dorset

...A man's wife came in wearin a sexy nighty. She told him "Tie me up and do what you want" So he tied her up,

fucked her sister and went fishing!

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

What does a rubix cube and a penis got it common?

The longer you play with them the harder they get.

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By *ashful Baz OP Man over a year ago

poole dorset

A prostitute told me I could have sex for £10 as she didn't have a womb!!

I asked how we would do it then.

She said "acwoss the woad against the wailings"...

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

2 Snowmen in a field...one says to the other....Can you smell carrots?

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By *ashful Baz OP Man over a year ago

poole dorset

I had a Beaver curry last night....

It's just like a normal curry,

but a little Otter.

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By *nvictusMan over a year ago

Beeston

Frank was excited about his new hunting rifle. So, he went bear hunting. He spotted a big brown bear and shot it. He rushed over to look but there was nothing there. There was then a tap on his shoulder, and he turned around to see the bear.

The bear said: "You've got two choices.

I either maul you to death or we have rough sex."

Frank decided to bend over. Even though he felt sore for two weeks, Frank soon recovered and vowed revenge. He headed out on another trip with a bigger rifle with laser sights and he found the bear again and emptied a full magazine at it. He searched for the body, but there was nothing there...

There was another tap on his shoulder.

The bear stood right next to him and says: "That was a huge mistake, mate. You've got two choices. Either I maul you to death or we have REALLY rough sex."

Again, Frank thought it was better to comply. Although he survived, it would take several months before Frank finally recovered. Outraged he headed back to the woods, with a rocket launcher, he managed to track down the grizzly and shot at it. After the smoke had cleared he still couldn't find the body...

He felt sweet revenge, but then there was a tap on his shoulder. He turned around to the bear standing there.

The bear says:

"Admit it, mate, you're not here for the hunting are you?"

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By *ashful Baz OP Man over a year ago

poole dorset

...Sky Sports interview with Beckam:

"David -you are planning on a return to the Premiership, having made your name at Man Utd.

Are you not worried about the stick?"

No, she'll be fine She Loves London!

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By *ashful Baz OP Man over a year ago

poole dorset

My daughter said,

"Dad, can my boyfriend stay over tonight?"

I said, "Can he fuck"

She said, "Like a rabbit".

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By *ashful Baz OP Man over a year ago

poole dorset

A three year old boy examined his testicles while having a bath.

He asked, mum are these my brains?

She replied, no not yet!

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By *nvictusMan over a year ago

Beeston

A new anti-depressant for lesbians has just been released: Trycoxagain.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

I was at a party last night + the DJ played that song-oh sit down by James! So we all sat down! He then played-jump around! We all jumped around! Then he put on - come on eileen! I got fucking kicked out!!

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By *uro anchorMan over a year ago

Coventry

the wife says shes leaving me because i think more of football than i think of her..

Im going to miss her weve been together nearly eight seasons...

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Nintendo av brort out a game wher a 14 yr old boy runs round the streets of Glasgow smashin cars, stabbin people n robbin houses. It's called.....Wii Bastard!

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

The dog is truly man's best friend. Not convinced? Put your dog and wife in the boot of your car for an hour. When you open it, see who's happy to see you.

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By *uro anchorMan over a year ago

Coventry

These January sales are a load of shite...

I went to boots they dont sell boots..

I went to Selfridges they dont sell fridges...

I went to Currys they dont sell curry

And I cant even begin to tell you what a huge fuckin disapointment the Virgin Megastore was...

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By *ashful Baz OP Man over a year ago

poole dorset

"the wife says shes leaving me because i think more of football than i think of her..

Im going to miss her weve been together nearly eight seasons..."

Lol love it!

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Why did the chicken cross the road?

To get to the other side! Hahaha.

Ok ok, im sorry. Im really sorry. Just ive always thought this joke was hilarious. Maybe im a joke.

*hides under desk*

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By *nvictusMan over a year ago

Beeston

..er, thanks James.

I pulled an Essex girl the other night, I was reaching down to put my hand in her knickers and she slapped it away and said "tits first, I'm not a slag you know!"

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

As a trucker stops for a red light, a blonde catches up. She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door.

The trucker lowers the window, and she says "Hi, my name is Heather and you are losing some of your load."

The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street. When the truck stops for another red light, the girl again catches up again. She jumps out of her car, runs up and knocks on the door.

Again, the trucker lowers the window. As if they've never spoken, the blonde says brightly, "Hi my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"

Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the street. At the third red light, the same thing happens again. All out of breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs up, knocks on the truck door.

The trucker lowers the window. Again she says "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"

When the light turns green, the trucker revs up and races to the next light. When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck, and runs back to the blonde.

He knocks on her window, and as she lowers it, he says... "Hi, my name is Kevin, and I'm driving the Gritter wagon!"

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

3 naked men in a sauna, an american, japanese n irishman. they heard a beepin sound, the american touches his arm n says thats my pager, i have a microchip under my skin. next a phone rings n the japanese man lifts his palm to his ear, he says i have a microchip in my hand. the irishman feelin very lowtech went to the toilet and came back wit toilet paper hangin from his arse. he says 'oh jaysus, would u look at that, i'm gettin a fax!'

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

all this January sale shopping lark is doing my head in! whent to boots, they don't sell boots,went to currys, they don't sell curry, went to selfridge's, they don't sell fridge's & as for the virgin megastore what a fucking let down that was.........!

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

i went to Bangkok for an operation on my testicles. the nurse cupped my balls and with a slight flushed face said "dont worry, its quite normal to get an erection when doing this". i said "i dont have an erection" She replied "no i have"

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

women answers the phone and pervert on the other end says

have u got a big fat sweaty hairy c*nt

women says

yeah hes laid on the sette do u want him

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By *arambarMan over a year ago

swindon

British soldiers, avoid being shot at by your American comrades simply by growing a beard and dressing like the Taliban.

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By *arambarMan over a year ago

swindon

I was sitting on the train this morning opposite a really sexy Thai bird.

I thought to myself, "Please don't get an erection. Please don't get an erection."

But she did.

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By *arambarMan over a year ago

swindon

What does FIFA stand for?

The Russian national anthem.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Whoever started the 'R.I.P. Justin Bieber' _umours are sick.. Its not right to get people's hopes up like that!

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"..er, thanks James.

I pulled an Essex girl the other night, I was reaching down to put my hand in her knickers and she slapped it away and said "tits first, I'm not a slag you know!"

Pmsl so glad i just landed in essex

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

By (user no longer on site) 40 weeks ago

@private mail, +add as contact

i just been to a fortune teller

she looked at my palm and said

" you have been masterbating"

thats clever i said but can you tell me anything about my future

she looked at my face and replied

"your going to be masterbating for a real long time"

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By *ensualfire88Man over a year ago

Edinburgh

Can you believe my fucking neighbour knocked on my door at 2.30 this morning?

2.30 am!

Luckily for him I was still up playing my drums.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"3 naked men in a sauna, an american, japanese n irishman. they heard a beepin sound, the american touches his arm n says thats my pager, i have a microchip under my skin. next a phone rings n the japanese man lifts his palm to his ear, he says i have a microchip in my hand. the irishman feelin very lowtech went to the toilet and came back wit toilet paper hangin from his arse. he says 'oh jaysus, would u look at that, i'm gettin a fax!'"

hahahahahahahahahah - thats my level of humour......

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

My wife just told me she is leaving me for a limbo dancer! How fucking low can you get? H

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Remember when you were kids & played knock door run?

They call it parcelforce now!!!

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By *uro anchorMan over a year ago

Coventry

took a bird home after night clubbing last night..

after a few drinks and a bit of romance we went upstairs..

while we were taking our cloths off a voice from the bed said I hope thats not the fat cunt from last week.. the bird said what the fuck was that ?..

I said its that bastard memory foam mattress...

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

I was sitting on the train this morning opposte a really sexy Thai bird in a mini skirt. I though to myself, "please don't get an erection, please don't get an erection

But she did

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Kate Middleton has asked the Queen the secret to a long married life.

The Queeen replied "wear a seat belt and don't piss me off"

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"I was sitting on the train this morning opposite a really sexy Thai bird.

I thought to myself, "Please don't get an erection. Please don't get an erection."

But she did.

That'll teach me to read a thread first as ive got the same joke on my mobile too

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By *arambarMan over a year ago

swindon

Hahaha, we've obviously got a similar sense of humour

ps - hope you're well!

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"Hahaha, we've obviously got a similar sense of humour

ps - hope you're well!"

yes failing that you have been chatting up the same bloke as me

am so so

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

A woman told her doctor, 'I've got a bad back. 'The doctor said, 'It's old age.' The woman said, 'I want a second opinion. 'The doctor says, 'OK. you're ugly as well.'

A man walked into the doctor's, The doctor said 'I haven't seen you in a long time'

The man replied, 'I know I've been ill'.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

I lost in a pub quiz by 1 point. The question was 'where do women mostly have curly hair?'..... apparently the answer should have been Africa...

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By *appyfuckerMan over a year ago

in a happy place north wales coast

After a night of drink, drugs and wild sex, Bill woke up to find himself next to a really ugly woman. Thats when he realised he had made it home safe

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By *appyfuckerMan over a year ago

in a happy place north wales coast

Did you hear about the fat, alcoholic transvestite - All he wanted to do was eat, drink and be Mary

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By *appyfuckerMan over a year ago

in a happy place north wales coast

Got an e-mail today from a bored local housewife, 43, who was looking for some hot steamy action! So I sent her my ironing.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Young woman goes to the gynecologist,shes gorgeous and hes a right perv.He tells her to strip and to lie down.He massages her boobs and plays with her nipples,then he asks 'Do you know what im doing?' 'Yes,i know what youre doing,its an external examination,checking for early signs of breast cancer'.

He spreads her legs,and plays with her clit n pussy.Again,he asks 'Do you know what im doing?' 'Yes,i know what youre doing,its an internal examination,checking for early signs of cervical cancer'.

He gets naked,gets on top and starts fucking her.After a few minutes he asks again 'Do you know what im doing?'

She replies 'Yes,i know exactly what youre doing...youre contracting genital warts which i why i came to see you in the first place!'

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By *ashful Baz OP Man over a year ago

poole dorset

"Kate Middleton has asked the Queen the secret to a long married life.

The Queeen replied "wear a seat belt and don't piss me off"

Lol nice one, Miss Kitten.

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By *oorsgirlWoman over a year ago

rochdale

STOP CHOKING - AUSSIE STYLE

A woman sitting in an Adelaide Pub suddenly began to cough.

After a few seconds it became apparent that she was in real distress,

and two locals, Bluey and Bazza sitting at the next table turned to look at her.

Ken ya swaller? asked Bluey

The woman signalled 'No!', desperately shaking her head.

Kin ya breathe?' asked Bazza. The woman shook her head No!!!

With that, Bluey walked behind her, lifted up the back of her dress,

yanked down her knickers and ran his tongue up and down the crack of

her bum.

This outrage shocked the woman into such a violent spasm that the obstruction flew out of her mouth and she began to breathe again.

Bluey swaggered back to his table and took a deep swig of his Fosters.

Bazza said in admiration 'Ya know Bluey, I'd heard of that bloody

Hind Lick Manoeuvre, but that's the first time I ever seen somebody do it.'

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By *oorsgirlWoman over a year ago

rochdale

After years of research, scientists have discovered what makes women happy. Nothing.

A lad comes home from school and excitedly tells his dad that he had a part in the school play and he was playing

a man who had been married for 25 years. The dad says, "Never mind son, maybe next year you'll get a speaking part."

Just had my water bill of £175 drop on my mat. That's a lot. Oxfam can supply a whole African village for

just £2 a month: time to change supplier I think.

2 women called at my door and asked what bread I ate, when I said white they gave me a lecture on the

benefits of brown bread for 30 minutes. I think they were Hovis Witnesses.

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By *oorsgirlWoman over a year ago

rochdale

A circus owner runs an ad for a lion

tamer and two people show up.

One is a retired golfer in his late sixties and the other is a

gorgeous blond in her mid-twenties.

The circus owner tells them, "I'm not going to sugar coat it..

This is one ferocious lion. He ate my

last tamer so you two had better be good or you're history.

Here's your equipment -- chair, whip and a gun.

Who wants to try out first?"

The girl says, "I'll go first." She walks past the

chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into the lion's cage.

The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her.

About halfway there, she throws open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body..

The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to

her and starts licking her feet and ankles.

He continues to lick and kiss her entire body for several minutes and then rests his head at her feet.

The circus owner's jaw is on the floor. He says, "I've never seen a display like that in my life." He then turns to the retired golfer and asks, "Can you top that?"

The tough old golfer replies, "No problem, just get that lion out of there."

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By *ashful Baz OP Man over a year ago

poole dorset

....A man asks his barber how to treat baldness? he replied best thing is

female love juices!!

But you're balder than me says the man!!

True says the barber but you've got to admit I've got a fuckin crackin moustache.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

A new elderly couple have sex for the first time,, afterwards they just lay there

He thinks to himself 'My god if id have known she was a virgin still id have been more gentle with her'

She thinks 'My god if id have known the old boy could get it up id have taken my tights off'

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By *ashful Baz OP Man over a year ago

poole dorset

...Just got overtaken by a bloke in a AA Van, he was talking to himself and crying,

I thought "that twats,

heading for a breakdown!!"

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Every day a 4th grade boy walks home from school past a 4th grade girl's house. One day he he stops to taunt the little girl. He holds up the football and says "See this football? Football is a boys game and girls can't have one!"

The little girl runs in the house crying and tells her mother about the encounter. She runs out and buys the girl a football. The next day the boy is riding home on his bike, and the girl shows him the football, yelling "Nah na nah na nah".

The little boy gets mad and points to his bike. "See this bike? This is a boys bike, and girls can't have them!"

Next day, the boy comes by and the little girl is riding a new boys bike. Now he is really mad. So he drops his pants, points at his private parts, and says "You see THIS? Only BOYS have these and your mother can't go buy you one!"

The next day as he passes the house he asks the little girl "Well, what do you have to say NOW?"

So she pulls up her dress, points to her private part and says "My mother told me that as long as I have one of these, I can have as many of THOSE as I want!"

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By *andsomgeorgeMan over a year ago

Rugby

"A circus owner runs an ad for a lion

tamer and two people show up.

One is a retired golfer in his late sixties and the other is a

gorgeous blond in her mid-twenties.

The circus owner tells them, "I'm not going to sugar coat it..

This is one ferocious lion. He ate my

last tamer so you two had better be good or you're history.

Here's your equipment -- chair, whip and a gun.

Who wants to try out first?"

The girl says, "I'll go first." She walks past the

chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into the lion's cage.

The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her.

About halfway there, she throws open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body..

The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to

her and starts licking her feet and ankles.

He continues to lick and kiss her entire body for several minutes and then rests his head at her feet.

The circus owner's jaw is on the floor. He says, "I've never seen a display like that in my life." He then turns to the retired golfer and asks, "Can you top that?"

The tough old golfer replies, "No problem, just get that lion out of there."

Awesome, never heard that one before. Thank you

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By *ashful Baz OP Man over a year ago

poole dorset

....Clubbers in Yorkshire have taken to using dental syringies to inject Ecstacy directly into their mouths. This dangerous

practice is known as "E by gum".

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By *ashful Baz OP Man over a year ago

poole dorset

...A woman died of Diarrhoea today after having Anal Sex with six men in a vintage car. Police say it was a,

Pretty Shitty Gang Bang!

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

My pet racing snail hasnt been winning his races recently so i took his shell off to make him more aerodynamic......if anything its made him more sluggish

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

I tried that thing today at the petrol station where you try and stop the pump bang on what you want to pay, but let it go a fraction too late and it stopped on £20.03.

"Bollocks!" I shouted and walked into the shop to pay.

"Unlucky, mate," smiled the attendant, who'd seen what I'd done. "Don't worry about the extra."

"Cheers, mate," I said as I handed him my tenner and fucked off.

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By *ashful Baz OP Man over a year ago

poole dorset

"I tried that thing today at the petrol station where you try and stop the pump bang on what you want to pay, but let it go a fraction too late and it stopped on £20.03.

"Bollocks!" I shouted and walked into the shop to pay.

"Unlucky, mate," smiled the attendant, who'd seen what I'd done. "Don't worry about the extra."

"Cheers, mate," I said as I handed him my tenner and fucked off. "

Lol I have that problem, I am always over shooting!

Thats why I have six kids!

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Just said to the missus 'when I die I am going to leave everything to you" She said "you already do you lazy cunt" !!!

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Would you believe it!!! My neighbour came knocking at more door at 2am this morning: 2am, I ask you!

Good job I was still awake playing my drums...

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

A 80 year old man is given a jar to provide a sperm sample for the doctor. He turns up two days later with a empty jar. The nurse asks "why no sperm sample?"... He says: "sorry i tried with my right hand, then my left!!.. then my wife tried both hands!!.. then her mouth, 1st with her teeth in, then with them out!!.. Then we got ethel next door to try!!.. but its no good! We just cant get the fucking jar open !!

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

When you catch a fish and put it back do you reckon it goes back to its mates and says it was abducted by aliens ....?

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By *ashful Baz OP Man over a year ago

poole dorset

"When you catch a fish and put it back do you reckon it goes back to its mates and says it was abducted by aliens ....? "

Yes, probably!

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Husband says to wife 'If i won the lottery what would you do?'

She replies 'Divorce you and take half'

'Excellent!' he exclaims 'I won a tenner, heres a fiver.. now fuck off!'

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

heres a similar one...

For years my wife has been a pasty fat ginger slapper then just yesterday she won the jackpot on Euro Millions and suddenly I realise she's a pale and curvaceous flame-haired beauty (and hands off!)

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"Husband says to wife 'If i won the lottery what would you do?'

She replies 'Divorce you and take half'

'Excellent!' he exclaims 'I won a tenner, heres a fiver.. now fuck off!'"

Harsh but fair!

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By *ashful Baz OP Man over a year ago

poole dorset

....A Welshman gets washed up on a desert island with just a sheep and a collie dog for company.

After a few days the Welshman starts to feel a little frisky and starts eyeing up the sheep.

The collie dogs instincts kick in and it won't let him anywhere near the sheep.

The following morning, to his delight, a beautiful young girl is washed ashore.

"you've saved my life" says the Welshman

"can you take this fucking dog for a

walk?"

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

brilliant

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Peeps chatting in a cafe ...

"So, how's your sex life?"

"Oh, nothing special. I'm having Social Security sex."

"Social Security sex?"

"Yeah, you know; I get a little each month, but not enough to live on!"

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By *ashful Baz OP Man over a year ago

poole dorset

....I went to a charity panto in aid of paranoid schizophenics and homosexuals,

it all decended into chaos, when somebody

shouted out "He's behind you!"

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"....A Welshman gets washed up on a desert island with just a sheep and a collie dog for company.

After a few days the Welshman starts to feel a little frisky and starts eyeing up the sheep.

The collie dogs instincts kick in and it won't let him anywhere near the sheep.

The following morning, to his delight, a beautiful young girl is washed ashore.

"you've saved my life" says the Welshman

"can you take this fucking dog for a

walk?" "

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By *ashful Baz OP Man over a year ago

poole dorset

"....A Welshman gets washed up on a desert island with just a sheep and a collie dog for company.

After a few days the Welshman starts to feel a little frisky and starts eyeing up the sheep.

The collie dogs instincts kick in and it won't let him anywhere near the sheep.

The following morning, to his delight, a beautiful young girl is washed ashore.

"you've saved my life" says the Welshman

"can you take this fucking dog for a

walk?"

"
Lol Lol

Who the hell, makes them all up!

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

A man named Vinny dies and goes to hell.

The Devil says to him "Hey Vinny we've been waitin for ya!".

Vinny smiles and walks with the Devil and the Devil says "I gotta ask you a couple questions, do you like to smoke?" Vinny answers "Ya, I love to smoke." The Devil says "Good you'll like Mondays we smoke everything cigarettes, cigars, everything."

"Now do you like to drink?" Then Vinny says "Of course I love to drink." The Devil replies "Great we drink everything on Tuesdays you will fit in great."

"Do you like to have sex?" Vinny says "Hell ya sex is the best." The Devil smiles and replies "We have sex with every type of woman you could think of on Wedesdays."

And the Devil finally says "Now, are you gay?" Vinny frowns and answers "NO I'm not gay! And the Devil looks down and finishes "Hmm, you're gonna hate Thursdays."

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By *aucy3Couple over a year ago

glasgow

whats the difference between iron man,

and iron woman.

iron man is a super hero.

iron woman,is a simple instruction.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Knock knock.

- Who's there?

- Ringo Starr's most complex drumming.

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By *ll of a QuiverCouple over a year ago

Douglas

A middle aged Woman is staying at a 5 star hotel for a week.

On the second day of her stay, she's walking through the reception area when a young bellboy picking up some suitcases turns around and accidently hits her in her chest.

"I'm so sorry my Lady" says the bellboy, "but if your heart's as soft as your breast, you'll forgive me"

Smiling, she replys "If your cock's as hard as your elbow, come find me in room 320"

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By *ardybumsCouple over a year ago

peekin under duvet is it safe?

After 30 years of marriage John the plumber decided to leave his wife,

The note on the kitchen table said,

"sorry but its over flo" !!

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By *uro anchorMan over a year ago

Coventry

wife says to hubby... did u know a bull fucks 3000 times a year ... why cant you ?... husband replies.. ask the bull if he fucks the same miserable cow every night... x

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

A guy in a lunatic asylum was rubbing his cock between two biscuits. "What are you doing!" cried a nurse as she entered the ward.

" I dunno, perhaps I'm fucking crackers", he replied

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By *ashful Baz OP Man over a year ago

poole dorset

"After 30 years of marriage John the plumber decided to leave his wife,

The note on the kitchen table said,

"sorry but its over flo" !! "

Lol Lol

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By *ce WingerMan over a year ago

P.O. Box DE1 0NQ

what do you call a fly with no wings?

a walk

what do you call a deer with no eyes?

no idea

what do you call a deer with no eyes & no legs?

still no idea

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By *ashful Baz OP Man over a year ago

poole dorset

...AUTOMATED MESSAGE FROM

www.Annsummers.com

In relation to the red anal vibrator you

ordered on page 16 of our catalogue, please could you select another item as this is our Fire extinguisher!

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By *teborahCouple over a year ago

warrington

Bloke walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm as his wife lay in bed reading , and says " this is the pig i have sex with when you've got a headache". his wife replies " i think you'll find that is a sheep" . The man replies , " i think you'll find i was talking to the sheep ".

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By *teborahCouple over a year ago

warrington

My missus say's i'm immature, and that we should set aside a day so that we can talk.....

Like thats gonna happen in the middle of the conker season.

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By *teborahCouple over a year ago

warrington

Took a bird home after night clubbing last night, after a few drinks we went upstairs. While we were taking our clothes off a voice came from the bed and said " i hope its not that fat c*nt from last week" The bird said "what the f*ck was that?" I replied "its that b*stard memory foam mattress!"

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By *teborahCouple over a year ago

warrington

a midget woman goe's to the doctors, dr i've got a really itchy f*nny dr lifts up her dress and a pair of scissors, snip snip how is that says dr a lot better but still a bit itchy she says, dr again lifts her dress snip snip snip how's that he says? thats great doctor what did you do? say's the midget oh nothing much i just trimmed the fur on the top of your ugg boots.

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By *aravancoupleMan over a year ago

A Secret Hideaway In the caravan of love

Never take Viagra if your doctor is prescribing iron tablets. I did and ended up pointing North for 4 hours.

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By *ashful Baz OP Man over a year ago

poole dorset

...Just found out my granda is half Irish

half chinese.

He's called pat noodle!

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By *ashful Baz OP Man over a year ago

poole dorset

...I rang work this morning and said I won't be in work today as I've got anal blindness.

They said "What the fuck is that?"

I said "I can't see my arse getting out of bed this morning!"

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Scientists have crossed a male chicken with an onion and have finally got a White cock that brings tears to a womans eyes !

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By *layfullsamMan over a year ago

Solihull

[Removed by poster at 26/01/11 21:48:57]

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By *layfullsamMan over a year ago

Solihull

i think that now sky sports have sacked andy gray after his sexist, ignorant, outdated and male chauvanist comments the very least they can do to set a good example is to employ a female presenter....preferably one with big tits

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Paddy was baffled by his orange cock and went to his doctor. "Does anyone else in your family have this condition?" the doctor asks. "No" says Paddy. "Do you handle any chemicals at work?" "I don't work" says Paddy. "So what do you do all day?" queries the doctor. "Watch porn and eat Wotsit!"

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Just used my B&Q discount card to scrape the car, it dint work very well...it only took 10% off

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By *ertnbeckyCouple over a year ago

oldham

think i made a mistake i rang my mate whose waiting for the results of an aides test and told him to think positive

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By *ashful Baz OP Man over a year ago

poole dorset

FOR HIRE: Football Pundit, looking for work in Middle east, Iran or Saudi etc.

Basically anywhere that women,

know their fuckin place!

All offers to andygray@jobseekers com

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

I wont tell you the joke about the butter ........ you'll only spread it

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By *ashful Baz OP Man over a year ago

poole dorset

A catholic saw the face of Jesus in a tub of margarine. His neighbour from nepal saw it and said,

"I can't believe it's not Buddah!"

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By *nvictusMan over a year ago

Beeston

A pilot was sitting in a cafe having a coffee when a beautiful woman sat down opposite him.

"Excuse me" she asked, "but are you a pilot?"

"Yes I am" he replied "I've been flying planes for over 15 years now and I fly over 30 times a month, I love aircraft and everything about them and I love flying and everything about it"

She was silent for a moment.

"I'm a lesbian" she whispered, "I spend every waking moment thinking of women and their sexy bodies, of touching women and kissing them, when I sleep I dream of women, of licking and tasting them...I can't stop thinking about women" she then got up and left leaving the bewildered man at the table.

A couple of minutes later the waitress came over and asked the man "excuse me, but are you a pilot?"

"I used to think I was" said the man "but I've recently discovered I'm actually a lesbian".

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By *ashful Baz OP Man over a year ago

poole dorset

...My mate has just asked me,

"Whats nasal sex?" I said

"Fuck nose!".

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

“there was a man called dave! who dug up a prostitutes grave, she was mouldy as shit and missing at tit, but look at the money he saved.

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By *ashful Baz OP Man over a year ago

poole dorset

....I went into a brothel and asked,

"How much for anal?"

She said, "Sixty quid," I said, "Ah, that's a bit expensive, I think I'll leave it." She said, "Tight arse."

I said, "Oh, go on then."

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

there is a new position in the karma sutra sex guide, its called the plumber = you both stay home and no one cum's.

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By *arambarMan over a year ago

swindon

Last night I was in the pub talking to a friend about Richard Keys and Andy Gray being fired over their sexist comments.

He said,"Some universities have Women Studies, but no Men Studies. That's pretty sexist"

I replied, "But we do have Men Studies.

...It's called History."

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By *arambarMan over a year ago

swindon

Don't have phone sex.

You might get hearing aids.

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By *uro anchorMan over a year ago

Coventry

andy grey is a disgrace..obviously women do have a place in football..those half time pies dont cook themselves you know..

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By *uro anchorMan over a year ago

Coventry

teacher at school asks

does anyone know where pakistan is ?..

little jonny says I think he goes home for dinner...

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By *uro anchorMan over a year ago

Coventry

i walked into the bedroom my wife was asleep with a pen in her fanny and a completed crossword in her hand..

i thought to myself.. what a clever twat...

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By *aravancoupleMan over a year ago

A Secret Hideaway In the caravan of love

The following is a list of the correct insurance companies for sex ........

SEX with your wife - Legal & General

SEX with your future wife - Mutual Trust

SEX with your secretary - Employers Liability

SEX with a prostitute - Commercial Union

SEX on the telephone - Direct Line

SEX with your biographer - Quote me happy

SEX in a hurry- Insure & go

SEX with your boyfriend -Standard life

SEX with a transvestite - Confused . com

SEX with someone different - Go compare . com

SEX with an animal - Compare the meerkat . com

SEX with a fat bird - More Than

SEX on the back seat - Sheila's Wheels

SEX with an o.a.p - Saga

SEX with a posh bird - Privilege .com

SEX with a sheep - National Farmers Union

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By *ashful Baz OP Man over a year ago

poole dorset

...A man sunbathes in the nude and ends up burning his penis.

His doctor tells him to ease the pain by dipping it in a saucer of cold milk.

Later his blonde girlfriend comes home and finds him with his willy in a saucer of cold milk. Good heavens, she remarks,

I always wondered how you re-loaded

those things!

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By *ashful Baz OP Man over a year ago

poole dorset

..It's been _umoured that youtube twitter and facebook are joining up this year it's going to be known as,

YOU TWIT FACE

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Little Melissa comes home from 1st grade & tells her father that they learned about the history of Valentine's Day.

'Since Valentine's Day is for a Christian saint, and we're Jewish,' she asks, 'Will God get mad at me for giving someone a valentine?

Melissa's father thinks a bit, then says: 'No, I don't think God would get mad. Whom do you want to give a Valentine to?'

'Osama Bin Laden,' she says.

'Why Osama Bin Laden?' her father asks in shock.

'Well,' she says, 'I thought that if a little American Jewish girl could have enough love to give Osama a Valentine, he might start to think that maybe we're not all bad, and maybe start loving people a little bit.

And if other kids saw what I did and sent Valentines to Osama, he'd love everyone a lot. And then he'd start going all over the place to tell everyone how much he loved them, and how he didn't hate anyone anymore.'

Her father's heart swells and he looks at his daughter with new found pride. 'Melissa, that's the most wonderful thing I have ever heard.'

'I know,' Melissa says, 'and once that gets him out in the open, the Soldiers could shoot the bastard.'

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

two d*unk blokes sat at the bar. One turns to the other and says ..ay i fucked your mother ..other man ignores him so the man pushes him and says again ay you i fucked your mother ..the other man says ...go home dad your pissed.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

1..Kate Middleton asks the Queen the secret of a successful marriage.

The Queen says "Wear a seat belt and don't piss me off!!!!"

2..Little Pikey Girl Opens Caravan Door & Shouts "Mum How Do I Put My Knickers On Again ?" Mum Says."How Many More Times,Yellow To The Front Brown To The Back

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"she had a fanny like a yawning donkey"

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

bloke goes to the docs suffering from fltulence. The doc ask him to lye on the table and picks up a long hooked pole. Upon seeing this the patient says jesus doc your not going to stick that pole up me are you? no replied the doc i am going to use it open the window you stink.

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By *arambarMan over a year ago

swindon

I had 40 winks on the train tonight...

I knew I shouldn't have worn this pink t-shirt.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

whats the difference between a social worker and a rottweiler. At least with a rottweiler you get half your kid back.

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By *ashful Baz OP Man over a year ago

poole dorset

...I went to a fancy dress party last night dressed as a loaf of bread.

The fucking birds were all over me!

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By *ashful Baz OP Man over a year ago

poole dorset

...The Egyptian government have come up with a plan to try and stop the riots in Cairo. Get in a car, honk the horn and chill out. They're calling it,

Toot-n-kalm-doon!

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

A couple were out for a walk in the country by the river one fine Sunday morning. As they sauntered over a bridge they heard "splosh", wondering what this could have been they both looked over the bridge edge. Below was a guy in waders, up to his waist in the water fishing rod in hand. They noticed the "bend" in the rod and assumed he had hooked a whopper. As the guy reeled in the line they noticed to their amazement that it wasn`t a fish he had on the end but a "huge dildo". Facinated, they continued to watch the guy re-cast the dildo "splosh" and again began to reel it in. This was repeated another four times before the man on the bridge couldn`t resist any longer and enquired "what on earth are you doing"? The guy replied quite calmly "I`m fishing for fannies" and returned to his task. The couple on the bridge gazed at each other in astonishment. Again the man on the bridge just couldn`t resist the next question, with an sarsastic edge he asked, "have you caught any yet?" To which the guy replied after a moment of reflection, "yes, your the fifth today".

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Men think about sex every seven seconds.

Which is why I eat hot dogs in under six seconds...

so it doesn't get weird.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

10 things men should never say to a

women....

1.can u explain the offside rule to me

2.your not very tight

3.Have you got an itch as well

4.i can smell fish ...

5."Heres the keys, why dont you drive

today in this seat"

6.I think your mum must have had hers

stitched, her pussy is far tighter than

yours

7.have u got any decent looking mates

8.all men have a rash there,

9.What do you mean small? I've never had

to perform in the bloody Albert Hall

before!

10.do u think your sister would join us

...ok one for luck...

11.Do you mind if we pull the curtains

and turn the lights out before we start?

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Just been to the gym and there’s a new machine.

I only used it for an hour as I started to feel sick!

It’s damned good though - it does everything .......... KitKats, Mars bars, Snickers, crisps ........

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Two men walk down a road and see a dog licking its balls. First man says: " I wish I could do that." Second man replies: "Better pet him first. he might bite."

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

A fat kid comes home from school and says to his Mother "I got the highest score in PE today."

"Well done," says his Mother.

"By the way Mum, what is BMI?"

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By *nvictusMan over a year ago

Beeston

I was walking down a country lane with a mate the other day when a tractor shot past and the driver yelled "the end of the world is nigh!!"

Apparently it was Farmer Geddon.

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By *arambarMan over a year ago

swindon

A farmer was out on his Welsh hillside tending his flock one day, when he saw a man drinking with a cupped hand from the stream which ran down from one of his fields. Realising the danger, he shouted over to the man, 'Paid a yfed y dwr! Mae'n ych-y-fi!' [Don't drink the water. It's disgusting!]

The man at the stream lifted his head and put a cupped hand to his ear, shrugged his shoulders at the farmer, and carried on drinking.

Realising the man at the stream couldn't hear him, the farmer moved closer, 'Paid a yfed! Dwr ych-y-fi! Defaid yn cachu yn y dwr!' [Don't drink. Water's disgusting. Sheep poo in the water.]

Still the walker couldn't hear the farmer. Finally the farmer walked right up to the man at the stream and once again said again, 'Dwr yn ych-y-fi! Paid a'i yfed!'. [Water's disgusting. Don't drink it!]

'I'm dreadfully sorry my good man, I can't understand a word you say dear boy! Can't you speak English?' said the man at the stream, in a splendid English accent.

'Oh I see', said the farmer, 'I was just saying, if you use both hands you can get more in........ !

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

After both suffering depression for a while, me and the hubby were going to commit suicide yesterday.

But strangely enough, once he had killed himself I started to feel a lot better, so I thought fuck it soldier on..!

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By *ornwall-maleMan over a year ago

newquay

i said to the wife the other day, "do you fancy playing the rape game?" she said " NO I DONT" i said, "thats the spirit"!!!

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By *ashful Baz OP Man over a year ago

poole dorset

...The N.H.S are offering £5.50 a time for sperm donations.

Which would make that old sock under your

bed worth about nine grand!

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

One December day we found an old straggly cat at our door. She was a sorry sight. Starving, dirty, smelled terrible, skinny, and hair all matted down. We felt sorry for her so we put her in a carrier and took her to the vet. We didn't know what to call her so we named her 'Pussycat.'

The vet decided to keep her for a day or so. He said he would let us know when we could come and get her.

My husband (the complainer) said, 'OK, but don't forget to wash her, she stinks.' He reminded the vet that it was his WIFE (me) that wanted the dirty cat, not him.

My husband and my Vet don't see eye to eye. The vet calls my husband 'El-Cheap-O', and my husband calls the vet 'El-Charge-O'.

They love to hate each other and constantly 'snipe' at one another, with my husband getting in the last word on this particular occasion.

The next day my husband had an appointment with his doctor, who is located in the same building, next door to the vet..

The GP's waiting room and office was full of people waiting to see the doctor. A side door opened and the vet leaned in - he had obviously seen my husband arrive.

He looked straight at my husband and in a loud voice said, 'Your wife's' pussy doesn't stink any more. We washed and shaved it, and now she smells like a rose. Oh, and, by the way, I think she's pregnant. God only knows who the father is!' Then he closed the door.

Now THAT, my friends, is getting even!

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

A woman goes to the doctor, beaten black and blue.

The Doctor asks: "What happened?"

The woman says: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every time my husband comes home d*unk he beats me to a pulp."

The Doctor says: "I have a real good cure for that. When your husband comes home d*unk, just take a glass of sweet tea and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don't swallow until he goes to bed and is asleep."

Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.

The woman says: "Doctor, that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband came home d*unk, I swished with sweet tea. I swished and swished, and he didn't touch me! How does the tea do that?"

The Doctor says: "The tea does bugger all, it's keeping your mouth shut that does the trick..."

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

A blonde lady motorist was about two hours from the Gold Coast when she was flagged down by a man whose truck had broken down. The man walked up to the car and asked, 'Are you going to the Gold Coast?'

'Sure,' answered the blonde, 'do you need a lift ?'

'Not for me. I'll be spending the next three hours fixing my truck. My problem is I've got two chimpanzees in the back which have to be taken to the Gold Coast Zoo. They're a bit stressed already so I don't want to keep them on the road all day. Could you possibly take them to the zoo for me? I' ll give you $100 for your trouble..'

'I'd be happy to,' said the blonde.

So the two chimpanzees were ushered into the back seat of the blonde's car and carefully strapped into their seat belts. Off they went.

Five hours later, the truck driver was driving through the heart of the Gold Coast when suddenly he was horrified!! There was the blonde walking down the street and holding hands with the two chimps, much to the amusement of a big crowd.

With a screech of brakes he pulled off the road and ran over to the blonde. 'What the heck are you doing here?' he demanded, 'I gave you $100 to take these chimpanzees to the zoo.'

'Yes, I know you did,' said the blonde,' but we had money left over

--- so now we're going to SeaWorld

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By *ashful Baz OP Man over a year ago

poole dorset

"One December day we found an old straggly cat at our door. She was a sorry sight. Starving, dirty, smelled terrible, skinny, and hair all matted down. We felt sorry for her so we put her in a carrier and took her to the vet. We didn't know what to call her so we named her 'Pussycat.'

The vet decided to keep her for a day or so. He said he would let us know when we could come and get her.

My husband (the complainer) said, 'OK, but don't forget to wash her, she stinks.' He reminded the vet that it was his WIFE (me) that wanted the dirty cat, not him.

My husband and my Vet don't see eye to eye. The vet calls my husband 'El-Cheap-O', and my husband calls the vet 'El-Charge-O'.

They love to hate each other and constantly 'snipe' at one another, with my husband getting in the last word on this particular occasion.

The next day my husband had an appointment with his doctor, who is located in the same building, next door to the vet..

The GP's waiting room and office was full of people waiting to see the doctor. A side door opened and the vet leaned in - he had obviously seen my husband arrive.

Now THAT, my friends, is getting even!

Lol very good Kitten. xx

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

The Superbowl -

Hours of adverts and concerts interrupted by a load of fat blokes playing British Bulldogs.

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By *eppersCouple over a year ago

telford

lmfao love it .

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Latvian, a Turk, an Aussie, a Yank, an Egyptian, a Jap, a Mexican, a Spaniard, a Greek, a Russian, an Estonian, a German, an Italian, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Swede, a Finn, an Israeli, a Romanian, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Czech, and a Swiss man walk into a pub. The landlord says " I can't let you in without a Thai "

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Latvian, a Turk, an Aussie, a Yank, an Egyptian, a Jap, a Mexican, a Spaniard, a Greek, a Russian, an Estonian, a German, an Italian, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Swede, a Finn, an Israeli, a Romanian, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Czech, and a Swiss man walk into a pub. The landlord says " I can't let you in without a Thai ""

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By *etillanteWoman over a year ago

Q. What's the difference between an

epileptic oyster shucker and a

prostitute with dysentery?

A One shucks between fits...

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By *etillanteWoman over a year ago

What'd the difference between the worlds worst marksman and a constipated owl??

One shoots but can't hit, the other .......

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By *layfullsamMan over a year ago

Solihull

i was shagging a girl over her kitchen table when we heard the front door opening"thats my husband" she said, "quick try the backdoor"...now i know i should have left before the husband caught me but theres no way i am going to refuse anal

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

A Martian couple landed on the earth. The emerged from their spacecraft and went up to a farmhouse. They knocked on the door. When the farmer and his wife answered, they announced that they were from Mars and wanted to come in to chat. The farm couple extended their hospitality and they all seemed to hit it off well. After a while, the farmer said "Do you two swing?"

The martian replied, "yes", and so they swapped mates and adjourned for appropriate activity.

After the martian man had climbed on, he said to the earth woman, "Is my dick long enough?"

She replied, "Well, now that you mention it, I would like it a little longer."

He said "no problem" and proceded to twist his left ear and, like magic, his dick got longer. "How's that now?"

"One notch more" said the woman.

Her request was promptly complied with via another twist of the left ear. His next question was "Would you like it a little thicker?"

She replied "yes" and he twisted his right ear once. The woman said "That's perfect!" and they proceeded to bang away.

The next morning the earth couple were comparing experiences and the husband said "how was it for you?" The wife replied, "Super! How about you?"

The husband responded, "It was pretty good, but she damn near twisted my ears off!"

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

A man calls home from the office and asks his wife "Did the mail man come yet?"

She replies "No. But his eyes are getting glassy".

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Two Irish couples agree to swap partners for the night.....

After 3 hours of amazing sex paddy says:

"I wonder how the girls are getting on

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By *umourCouple over a year ago

Rushden

Now that is class xx

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

I phoned my wife the day before I came home from offshore and she told me when I got home I could have sex whenever and wherever I wanted, I then replied ok, how about tomorrow night up your sisters arse.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Missing Husband

A woman went to police station to file a report for her missing husband:

Woman: I lost my husband

Inspector: What is his height

Woman: I never noticed

Inspector: Slim or healthy

Woman Not slim can be healthy

Inspector: Color of eyes

Woman: Never noticed

Inspector: Color of hair

Woman: Should be black

Inspector: What was he wearing

Woman: I don't remember exactly

Inspector: Was somebody with him ?????????

Woman: Yes my Labrador dog (Romeo), tied with a golden chain, height 30 inches, healthy, blue eyes, blackish brown hair, his left foot thumb nail is slightly broken, he never barks, wearing a golden belt studded with blue balls,he likes non veg food, we eat together, we jog together.

The woman started crying

Inspector: Let's search for the dog first!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

I've just seen a truck of tortoises crash into a truck of terapins...... it was a turtle disaster

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Ive got a friend who has fallen in love with 2 school bags... he's bi satchel

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

I bought a racehorse today. I've decided to call him 'My Face'. I don't care if he doesn't win a race, or makes me any money. I just want to hear thousands of those posh tarts at Ascot shouting 'Come on my face!'

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

That new Facebook face-recognition software is great, it saves so much time tagging photos.

There are a few problems though. After matching my wife's face, it reset her location to a cathedral in Notre Dame.

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By *ayceeCouple over a year ago

northampton

As I was walking out of the house today, my neighbour threw a lump of chedder cheese at me. I said, "Oh, that's mature!"

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

A guy fell asleep on the beach for several hours and got horrible sunburn, specifically to his upper legs. He went to the hospital, and was promptly admitted after being diagnosed with second-degree burns. With his skin already starting to blister, and the severe pain he was in, the doctor prescribed continuous intravenous feeding with saline, electrolytes, a sedative, and a Viagra pill every four hours. The nurse, who was rather astounded, asked, "What good will Viagra do for him, Doctor"? The doctor replied, "It won't do anything for his condition, but it'll keep the sheets off his legs."

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Little Red Riding Hood is on her way to visit her grandmother, when she before she leaves her mother stops her and says to her "be careful Little Red Riding Hood, if the big bad wolf sees you, he will pull up your little red skirt, pull down your little red panties, and f**k your little red socks off". Its ok mum she says, i have an axe in my basket, and will stick to the paths. Off she skips through the woods to grandmas, when she suddenly hears and sees the bushes rustling in front of her. She grabs her axe, but out walks the friendly woodsman. "Where you off to, Little Red Riding Hood"? "I am off to see my grandmother she replies". "well be careful he says, because if the big bad wolf sees you, he will pull up your little red skirt, pull down your little red panties, and f**k your little red socks off". "Its ok she replies, i have my axe, and will stick to the paths". Off she skips, and she just about to get to grandma's, when out jumps the big bad wolf!!! "I have you now Little Red Riding Hood, i am going to pull up your little red skirt, pull down your little red panties, and f**k your little red socks off!!" Little Red Riding Hood just stands there looking at him, and replies "no your not, your going to get down on all fours, and eat me like the story says!!".

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Mr Cadbury met Miss Rowntree on a Double Decker.

It was just After Eight.

They got off at Quality Street .

He asked her name. 'Polo, I'm the one with the hole' she said with a Wispa.

'I'm Marathon , the one with the nuts' he replied.

He touched her Cream Eggs, which was a Kinder Surprise for her.

Then he slipped his hand into her Snickers, which made her Ripple.

He fondled her Jelly Babies and she rubbed his Tic Tacs.

Soon they were Heart Throbs.

It was a Fab moment as she screamed in Turkish Delight.

But, 3 days later, his Sherbet Dip Dab started to itch.

Turns out Miss Rowntree had been with Bertie Bassett and he had Allsorts!

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By *ashful Baz OP Man over a year ago

poole dorset

...Apple announced today the development of a microchip that can be implanted into a woman's breast and play music!

The i-Tit will cost £399 and is regarded a major breakthrough as women are always complaining that men just stare at their

tits and never listen to them!

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"A guy fell asleep on the beach for several hours and got horrible sunburn, specifically to his upper legs. He went to the hospital, and was promptly admitted after being diagnosed with second-degree burns. With his skin already starting to blister, and the severe pain he was in, the doctor prescribed continuous intravenous feeding with saline, electrolytes, a sedative, and a Viagra pill every four hours. The nurse, who was rather astounded, asked, "What good will Viagra do for him, Doctor"? The doctor replied, "It won't do anything for his condition, but it'll keep the sheets off his legs."

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By *ashful Baz OP Man over a year ago

poole dorset

..Asked my missus for a wank last night,

She started rubbing my cock with a keyring. Perhaps it's just me but I felt

like I was being fobbed off!?

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Bought a litre and a half of Tippex yesterday ...

BIG mistake

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Who Stole All The Honey In Africa?

Robert Mugabee

Taa Daa...I'm Here All Week!

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

I rang the Drugs Advice Service yesterday and it was a recorded message. It said "for marajuana press the hash key" ffs

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

[Removed by poster at 15/02/11 11:55:43]

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

I rang the samaritans and got put through to their call centre in Lahore. told them i was suicidal

they asked if i could drive a truck

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By *ugartitsandhimCouple over a year ago

North West

I rang in work today and said i carn't come in today i'm sick .......... they said how sick ..........i said i'm in bed with my sister

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By *ashful Baz OP Man over a year ago

poole dorset

..Sex Therapists say the most effective way a woman can arouse a man is to lick his ears.

Personally I think it's bollocks....

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"..Sex Therapists say the most effective way a woman can arouse a man is to lick his ears.

Personally I think it's bollocks....

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By *umourCouple over a year ago

Rushden

This is the one time of the year I can get my girlfriend to let me have anal!

She's Dyslexic and thought last Monday was Vasaline day!

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

What does a camera a condom and a woman's mouth have in common?.......

They are all designed to catch that special moment

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By *layfullsamMan over a year ago

Solihull

[Removed by poster at 16/02/11 19:07:55]

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By *layfullsamMan over a year ago

Solihull

asked a girl for a wank last night, she started rubbing my cock with her car key ring..perhaps its just me but i felt i was being fobbed off !

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Do folks like text jokes. I really dislike them. I get all excited when my phone beeps, thinking its a naughty dirty text and its a blimming joke, im so disappointed

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By *layfullsamMan over a year ago

Solihull

"Do folks like text jokes. I really dislike them. I get all excited when my phone beeps, thinking its a naughty dirty text and its a blimming joke, im so disappointed

"
like good text jokes, can put a smile on your face if the days not going well

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Have you heard about the new lesbian operation it's called a strapadictomi !!

Hope this doesn't offend anyone sorry!!

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Just got back from Blackpool, On the seafront I saw a guy and woman having a shouting match until the woman smacked the guy in the head and they started fighting. a copper turned up but instead of calming things down he starts hitting the guy with his baton, then the guy gets the baton off the copper and starts hitting him AND his wife! Then this crocodile turned up and stole all the sausages. Madness!

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By *ugartitsandhimCouple over a year ago

North West

A visitor to a mental institution asked the director how he decided which patients should be kept in.

Director said: We fill up a bath, then offer the patient a teaspoon, teacup or a bucket & ask them to empty the bathtub.

Visitor said: Oh I see, a normal person would choose the bucket, because it's biggest?

Director said: No, a normal person would pull the fucking plug out. Would you like a bed near the window?

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By *ashful Baz OP Man over a year ago

poole dorset

A mate just called me in tears, his wife has left him, taken his prized Bob Marley collection and the satellite dish!

Poor bastard,

NO WOMAN NO SKY!

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"A visitor to a mental institution asked the director how he decided which patients should be kept in.

Director said: We fill up a bath, then offer the patient a teaspoon, teacup or a bucket & ask them to empty the bathtub.

Visitor said: Oh I see, a normal person would choose the bucket, because it's biggest?

Director said: No, a normal person would pull the fucking plug out. Would you like a bed near the window?"

Fantastic!

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By *avensaMan over a year ago

Ballathreesome

Why did the pervert cross the road?

He was shagging the chicken.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Police woman pulls over a D*unk driver and gets him out of the car. " Anything you do say will be held against you. Man says " BREASTS."

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

a man walks up to a woman in a club and says "the names bond" she says "not james bond?" he says "no uni bond, im here to fill your crack"!...lol

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

two monkeys in the bath, one monkey goes "ooh ooh aah ooh ooh aah" other monkeys says "well put some cold in then"

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Man donates blood 2 save his girlfriends life,Later they break up and he asks 4 the blood back.She throws a tampax at him and says i,ll pay u monthly''

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

fireman rescued a Irish man stuck 2 a condom machine they asked wot happened he said da sign says insert £2 and push knob in.....lol

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

i decided to take up cage fighting and i won my first fight...damn budgie never knew what hit it.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

had a car crash earlier and got out the car while the other person got out his car. he was a dwarf, he said to me im not happy. I said well which 1 r u then.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

A hysterical young girl came running up to me in the park this morning with a picture of her dog, "excuse me mister, have you seen my dog?" she sobbed.

I said "Yes, isn't it lovely"

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Took a girl home last night and I ended up sleeping on the sofa....

must av got our drinks mixed up

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Hooked Up With A Girl With OCD Last Night. She Told Me She Was Obsessed With Doing Everything Alphabetically, So First We Did Anal, Then She Give Me A Blow Job, Then I Licked Her Clit, And Then I Took Her Deep, (Doggy Style). Then I Got Up & Got Dressed, She Shouted What About E. I Said I Already Done E Sweetheart, Ejaculated, Now Im Doing F,G&H, Fucking Going Home!

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Four friends, who hadn't seen each other in 30 years, reunited at a party

After several drinks, one of the men had to use the rest room.

Those who remained talked about their kids.

The first guy said, 'My son is my pride and joy.He started working at a successful company at the bottom of the barrel. He studied Economics and

Business Administration and soon began to climb the corporate ladder and now he's the president of the company. He became so rich that he gave his best friend a top of the line Mercedes for his birthday.'

The second guy said, 'Darn, that's terrific! My son is also my pride and joy. He started working for a big airline, then went to flight school to become a pilot. Eventually he became a partner in the company, where he owns the majority of its assets He's so rich that he gave his best friend a brand new jet for his birthday.'

The third man said: 'Well, that's terrific! My son studied in the best universities and became an engineer. Then he started his own construction company and is now a multimillionaire. He also gave away something very nice and expensive to his best friend for his birthday: A 30,000 square foot mansion.'

The three friends congratulated each other just as the fourth returned from the restroom and asked: 'What are all the congratulations for?'

One of the three said: 'We were talking about the pride we feel for the successes of our sons. .What about your son?'

The fourth man replied: 'My son is gay and makes a living dancing as a stripper at a nightclub.'

The three friends said: 'What a shame... what a disappointment.'

The fourth man replied: 'No, I'm not ashamed. He's my son and I love him. And he hasn't done too bad either. His birthday was two weeks ago, and he received a beautiful 30,000 square foot mansion, a brand new jet and a top of the line Mercedes from his three boyfriends.'

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By *heekyladyCouple over a year ago

manchester

10 year old boy walks into a brothel dragging a dead frog behind him on a string.

He goes up to the madam and asks for a lady. The madam takes one look and tells him 'sorry son you're a bit young'.

He slaps £500 on the counter and madam says that'll be no problem sir.

The boys says could you make sure she has herpies, the madam says, sorry son all our women are clean. The boy slaps another £500 on the counter and the madam says one dirty woman coming up.

The boy follows the woman upstairs, still dragging the dead frog behind him.

An hour later, the boy comes downstairs still dragging the dead frog behind him on a string.

The madam is curious and asks the boy why he wanted the dirty woman.

Well, its like this said the boy.

I'll go home now and fuck the babysitter. She'll get herpies.

Later on tonight when my dads driving her home, he'll fuck the babysitter and he'll get herpies.

He'll come home and fuck my mum and she'll get herpies.

Tomorrow morning when my dad goes to work the milkman will call and fuck my mum and he'll get herpes

AND HE'S THE BASTARD THAT RAN OVER MY FROG!!!

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By *heekyladyCouple over a year ago

manchester

Schoolgirl says "mummy I know where babies come from!"

Mum replies "wheres that then darling?"

Girl says "mummy and daddy take their clothes off and daddys thingy sorts of sticks out and mummy puts it in her mouth and thats how you get babies!"

Shaking her head, mum says "oh darling thats so sweet, but thats not how we get babies, thats how we get flowers jewellery, clothes, shoes and all the decorating done!"....

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By *ashful Baz OP Man over a year ago

poole dorset

...Whenever I'm giving my girlfriend anal, her arse makes a loud squeaky sound.

Turns out it's just her ring tone!

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By *uro anchorMan over a year ago

Coventry

Walked past the fridge earlier and thought I heard an onion singing a BeeGees song...

When I opened the door it was just a chive talkin...

I asked the chive if it wanted to be an onion ?...

But it said I,m stayin a chive stayin a chive ah, ah, ah, ah stayin a chive....

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

i cant believe the price of building a new house these days, the price of chimneys has gone through the roof!

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Lone Ranger got captured by Indians.

Chief said 'I will kill you in 3 days, but I will allow you 3 last wishes. What is your first wish?'

LR says 'I'd like to speak to my horse'

Chief nods and LR whispers in Silver's ear.

Silver gallops off and comes back with a beautiful brunette, who spends the night with LR.

Next day Cheif says 'Im impressed. What is your 2nd wish?'

LR wants to talk to Silver again.

He whispers in his ear and Silver gallops off again, coming back with a blonde, even more lovely than the brunette.

She spends night with LR.

Next day Chief says 'You got style, but you still die tomorrow. What is your last wish?'

LR wants to talk to horse again.

He looks Silver in the eye and says 'Get it right this time, you cloth eared twat..... BRING POSSE!'

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By *ornwall-maleMan over a year ago

newquay

i said to the wife the other day, what would you do if i won the lottery?.

she said, i would take half and leave you.

i said, i got 3 numbers and won a tenner, so here,s a fiver, now fuck off!!!

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By *ashful Baz OP Man over a year ago

poole dorset

...Doctors have just identified a food that can cause grief and suffering years after it's been eaten.

It's called a wedding cake.

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By *ashful Baz OP Man over a year ago

poole dorset

.. Man and wife out shopping together.

Wife sees some shoes she wants but her husband says, "NO WAY! They're way to expensive."

Later that night in bed he lays a hand on his wifes pussy.

She says,

"I don't fucking think so mate! If you can't afford to shoe the horse, then you ain't fucking riding it!!"

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By *ashful Baz OP Man over a year ago

poole dorset

Lad and Lass on first date, he takes her home, Kissing her goodnight he leans one arm against the wall and takes his dick out,

"Oh god, your gorgeous, Give us a blowjob." Horrified she says "Are you mad, My parents are home, they could catch us!" "Oh come on, who's gonna know?"

She whinges on about getting caught.

He moans on about a blow job.

Suddenly the porch light goes on , Her young sister opens the door, "Dad said hurry up and give him a blow job, Or just wank him off in the bushes but for fuck sake tell him to take his hand off our intercom!"

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By *ashful Baz OP Man over a year ago

poole dorset

Me and my wife had oysters last night.

We ended up arguing over who got the last one, so to spite me she took it and shoved it up her fanny.

Shellfish cunt!

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

My wife has asked me to get her some gloves to wear at her mother's funeral.

Does anyone know where I can buy those giant foam fingers?

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

I was trying to find a way to kill my wife without raising suspicion.

So I bought her a car.

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By *hocotreacleWoman over a year ago

lost in the city of Atlantis

One night, as a couple lay down for bed, the husband gently taps

his wife on the shoulder and starts rubbing her arm. The wife turns over

and says: I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I

want to stay fresh." The husband, rejected, turns over and tries to sleep.

A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again. This

time he whispers in her ear: "Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?"

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By *layfullsamMan over a year ago

Solihull

i was at my bank today, there was a short line, the asian lady in front of me was trying to exchange yen for dollars and it was obvious she was a little irratated

"why it change ? yesterday i get two hunat dolla fo yen. today i only get hunat eighty ? why it change?".. the teller shrugged his shoulders and said " fluctuations." the asian lady replied "fluc you white people too."

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By *ashful Baz OP Man over a year ago

poole dorset

..According to Tetley the best way to make the perfect cup of tea is to agitate the bag. So every morning I spank the wife and say "Two sugars, fat arse!"

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Baz, your jokes really are funny and do make me laugh out loud lol,keep em cuming ^____^

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

In the showers for the first time at stamford bridge Torres see's John Terry cock...Fooking ell John de size of that no wonder Bridges wife liked a bit of you but how do you get is so big..Terry says its an old trick mate when im going up the ol apple n pairs for a bit of hows ya father i whack it against the bannister all the way up....

Torres goes home that night and starts whacking his cock on the bannister on his way up to bed....His mrs shouts out........IS THAT YOU JOHN

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Said to the mrs "Hey fat cunt what do you want for your birthday"

She said "dont get fucking lippy"

I said "Ok mascara it is then!!!!

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By *wad-tattooedMan over a year ago

Kirkby

men cant win these days...... here i was being a gent holding the door open for a sexy lady..... just for her to shout

"oi fuck off i'm trying to take a shit!!!!"

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Too many spiders in your house can turn it into a no fly zone.

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By *ashful Baz OP Man over a year ago

poole dorset

..My wife came up to bed the other night and said 'I want something 10 inches long and full of spunk'

'No fucking problem' I replied,

and gave her one of my old socks from under the bed!!!

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

My missus said to me earlier "what a lovely day, I think we should go for a walk in the park then go cinema to watch a weepy and then back home in time for Take Me Out"

And I was really looking forward to it but she has just accidently fallen down the stairs and broken both legs. Oh well looks like pub with the lads it is then.

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By *ashful Baz OP Man over a year ago

poole dorset

Little scouse boy asks dad,

"What's between mum's legs?"

Father answers "Paradise my son."

Kid asks again,

"What's between your legs?" Father replies

"The key to paradise!"

The son says "Piece of advice dad,

change the lock, that cunt next doors got a spare key!"

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

A Blonde's Year in Review

January:

Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.

February:

Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels.....

Helllloooo!!!.......bottles won't fit in printer!!!

March:

Got really excited.....finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months.....

Box said ' 2-4 years!'

April:

Trapped on escalator for hours ...

Power went out!!!

May:

Tried to make Kool-Aid.....wrong instructions....

8 cups of water won't fit into those little packets!!!

June:

Tried to go water skiing.......

Couldn't find a lake with a slope.

July:

Lost breast stroke swimming competition.....

Learned later, the other swimmers cheated, they used their arms!!!

August:

Got locked out of my car in rain storm.....

Car swamped because soft-top was open.

September:

The capital of California is 'C'......isn't it???

October:

Hate M & M's.....

They are so hard to peel.

November:

Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days ...

Instructions said 1 hour per pound and I weigh 108!!

December:

Couldn't call 911.

'Duh'.....there's no 'eleven' button on the stupid phone!!!

THE BEST BLONDE JOKE OF THE YEAR - SO FAR

A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blonde female neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox.

She opened it then slammed it shut and stormed back in the house.

A little later she came out of her house again went to the mail box and again, opened it, slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went.

As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she came out again, marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever.

Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, 'Is something wrong?'

To which she replied, 'There certainly is!'

(Are you ready? This is a beauty...)

'My stupid computer keeps saying, 'YOU'VE GOT MAIL!'

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By *ddiddyMan over a year ago

kilkenny

ah god fecking brilliant

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By *ashful Baz OP Man over a year ago

poole dorset

"Walked past the fridge earlier and thought I heard an onion singing a BeeGees song...

When I opened the door it was just a chive talkin...

I asked the chive if it wanted to be an onion ?...

But it said I,m stayin a chive stayin a chive ah, ah, ah, ah stayin a chive.... "

This makes me laugh everytime I read it, Thanks for posting it!

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By *uicyhunnibunniWoman over a year ago

paignton

a girl is standing at the gates of heaven when she hears terrible screams from inside she asks st peter waht it is he says ''its the sound of angels getting holes drilled in their backs for wings and in their heads for halos'' she tells him she would rather go to hell st peter says ''but in hell you will be raped and buggered!!'' she replies ''yes but ive already got the holes for that!!!!!''

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By *uicyhunnibunniWoman over a year ago

paignton

2 teenage girls at school one rather posh the other a bit common the teacher asks them to give a sentence using the word improper the posh girl replies ''my father was digging up potatoes with a spade which was improper, he should of used a fork.'' the teacher was impressed then the common girl replies ''last nite my bf was shagging me and when his bollox was slapping my arse i knew he was in proper!!''

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By *uicyhunnibunniWoman over a year ago

paignton

2 little boys playing in the park and they find a condom. they take it home to show their mum. she gets really angry telling them its dirty and not to touch things they find. one boy says to the other ''wow your mum was really mad about that!!'' the other boy says ''yeah i know we better not tell her we ate the yogurt that was inside!!!!''

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Just got back to Britain from Libya, what a fucking nightmare!

The constant threat of violence from gun toting arabs; a leader who's completely lost touch with his people; every english person in sight looking completely terrified and trying their best to hold on to their belongings and their lives, stuck in what is essentially a muslim country with no where to turn!

I wish i'd stayed in fucking Libya.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

I've just started a job in the fabrication industry.

Or a "politician" to give it it's proper title.

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By *ashful Baz OP Man over a year ago

poole dorset

My wife just found out she's adopted.

She's devastatd, and kept asking,

"Why didnt they want me?" I comforted her

and after a while, still crying, she asked me to make love too her, which led to more tears, On reflection, Banging her up the arse and shouting,

"WHO'S YOUR DADDY?!" was a little insensitive.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

I was chatting to a girl in a club last night.

She said to me, "Can I have your mobile number?"

I said, "No way, I've had that number for years".

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

I have a very high sex drive....

My girlfriend lives up a hill.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

A lesbian went to weightwatchers.

The organiser said

"Remember you are what you eat"

The lesbian said

"You calling me a cunt?"

* gEtS bAcK iN coFfiN * -|-

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By *ashful Baz OP Man over a year ago

poole dorset

A lesbian went to weightwatchers.

The organiser said

"Remember you are what you eat"

The lesbian said

"You calling me a cunt?"

* gEtS bAcK iN coFfiN * -|-"

Lol very good.

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By *DD1EMan over a year ago

sea

Just spent the last three hours in A & E with my NEW girlfriend, I must have misunderstood her demands when we were in bed last night, she asked me to give "her 9 inches and make her bleed"....it's quite clear now that shagging her twice and breaking her nose was not the correct thing to do.

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By *ashful Baz OP Man over a year ago

poole dorset

..Mr Tickle wanted to marry the girl of his dreams, But however much she loved him.

Tess was reluctant to take on his

surname.....

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By *ashful Baz OP Man over a year ago

poole dorset

Farmer in Devon has successfully grown a field of vibrators

.....

Unfortunately he now has a problem with,

Squatters....

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By *ashful Baz OP Man over a year ago

poole dorset

A nun was having a quiet bath when she heard a loud banging at her door.

She Immediately shouted: "Go away I'm in the bath" "It's okay" replied the voice,

"I'm a a blind man" In this case, she allowed the man in, "Nice tits" he said,

"Now, where do you want these blinds?"

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By *ashful Baz OP Man over a year ago

poole dorset

A girl was granted two wishes:

First she asked for bigger Tits, They instantly grew to 36DD.

Then she asked for a really tight cunt,

she'll probably ring you later!

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Defenition of trust: two canibals giving each other a Bj

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By *orestersCouple over a year ago

The Forest

A man is walking down the road, carrying his very sick dog to the vets. All of a sudden, a genie appears and tells the man he will grant him one wish. The man asks the genie to help the dog. The genie looks at the dog carefully, takes it's pulse, listens to it's heart and checks it all over. Eventually, he looks up at the man and says "I'm sorry, there's nothing I can do for your dog, he's too ill - do you have another wish?

The man says "I'm a single guy on FAB - can you get me a meet?".

The genie looks the man steadily in the eye for a few moments before saying "let's have another look at that dog of yours".

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"A man is walking down the road, carrying his very sick dog to the vets. All of a sudden, a genie appears and tells the man he will grant him one wish. The man asks the genie to help the dog. The genie looks at the dog carefully, takes it's pulse, listens to it's heart and checks it all over. Eventually, he looks up at the man and says "I'm sorry, there's nothing I can do for your dog, he's too ill - do you have another wish?

The man says "I'm a single guy on FAB - can you get me a meet?".

The genie looks the man steadily in the eye for a few moments before saying "let's have another look at that dog of yours"."

funny .....

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

must be my lucky day, found 2 Manchester United tickets nailed to a fence and thought nice 1 could do with those nails :o) x

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

3 Office Girls in a lift notice a stain on the wall. The Yorkshire lass says, 'That looks like

spunk!' The Cockney girl sniffs it & says, 'Smells like spunk too!' The Geordie lass licks it &

says, 'Well, it's nobody from our Office!'

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

if your easly offended dont look at this one.

how do you spot a japanese whore

shes the one in the fishnets

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By *oantrimcpl2010Couple over a year ago

Lisburn

Paddys say to Mick "Im getting operated on tomorrow" mick replys " jesus what for" Paddy says "for circumcision".Mike replys "i got that donewhen i was 2 days old" paddys asks if it was sore. Mike says " by jasus i couldnt walk for a year"

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By *ugby 123Couple over a year ago
Forum Mod

O o O oo

Think we need a Jokes part 2

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