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advice plz
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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Ok so me and my ex/mother of my youngest kids . In march she needed to see me so i agreed . Anyway when we met up i asked . So whats the purpose of this . Seemed like she had not alot to say really . Telling me how things had gotten pretty fukd up ( men and partys etc etc ) told me she was seeing a lad . Told me she really likes him n how the kids love him n that she does think she loves him and how she might be pregnant . Ok so why you wanting to see me . Dont know she said i just needed to see you . She aint seeing this younger lad anymore but does still speak to him . His gf lives next dr to her but he lives elsewhere . Anyway she wanted to bring the kids through xmas day and us all spend it together . Eating munch watching the usual xmas tv programmes and cuddling up as a family we once wer . Yestetday i agreed as i want my kids being happy . Today iv had time to think it over and wasnt to fond on the idea . So i asked . You told me you had feelings for another man . Which she denys saying . But anyway shes gone all deffensive calling me a selfish man . Am i being selfish or should i expect her to answer that question before trying to play the happy family that we clearly aint ? |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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My ex and I took our son out as a family for his bday and we have done on several occasions in the past. We are on good terms and are happy to do this for him even though there is nothing sexual between us anymore. Sounds like she is using the kids to get back in as it didn't work out elsewhere. To confirm, she lives next door to the gf of the guy she was seeing - was he sagging both of them or is this coincidental be a use that speaks volumes. Remember why you split up and decide if you can handle it potentially not working again. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Ok so me and my ex/mother of my youngest kids . In march she needed to see me so i agreed . Anyway when we met up i asked . So whats the purpose of this . Seemed like she had not alot to say really . Telling me how things had gotten pretty fukd up ( men and partys etc etc ) told me she was seeing a lad . Told me she really likes him n how the kids love him n that she does think she loves him and how she might be pregnant . Ok so why you wanting to see me . Dont know she said i just needed to see you . She aint seeing this younger lad anymore but does still speak to him . His gf lives next dr to her but he lives elsewhere . Anyway she wanted to bring the kids through xmas day and us all spend it together . Eating munch watching the usual xmas tv programmes and cuddling up as a family we once wer . Yestetday i agreed as i want my kids being happy . Today iv had time to think it over and wasnt to fond on the idea . So i asked . You told me you had feelings for another man . Which she denys saying . But anyway shes gone all deffensive calling me a selfish man . Am i being selfish or should i expect her to answer that question before trying to play the happy family that we clearly aint ? "
Spending the day with your ex and your kids isn't playing happy families.
Why does the fact that she has had feelings for a man since you split up have any relevance at all? What do you expect from her - she's single, she's allowed to move on. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Sympathies, OP. I don't know too much about your situation. It is Christmas. I am not suggesting that everyone will live happily ever after but surely whether or not she is seeing someone else now that you are separated is irrelevant. You must want what is best for your children? That may or may not be spending the day with them and the ex. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"My ex and I took our son out as a family for his bday and we have done on several occasions in the past. We are on good terms and are happy to do this for him even though there is nothing sexual between us anymore. Sounds like she is using the kids to get back in as it didn't work out elsewhere. To confirm, she lives next door to the gf of the guy she was seeing - was he sagging both of them or is this coincidental be a use that speaks volumes. Remember why you split up and decide if you can handle it potentially not working again."
the lads gf had left him when they hooked up . Knew nothing about it until they got bk together and he told her . . My ex has told me she wants to try and work things out with me as i once was her everything . I already think shes using the kids to an advantage . But if wanting to work things out wether she said she had feelings for him to just try hurt me or what ever reason . Surely she is the selfish one by not being straight ? Am i over reacting lol . Im not short of offers elsewhere and have always been quite popular to the women |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Have you been with her in an emotional way at all since you split up or given any indication that you would want to get back with her..it might be a tiny thing you hadn't realised which has given her hope or unreasonable expectations.
Personally, id have a chat with her, saying that yes you want to see the kids, but that nothing will happen apart from that, if thats how your feeling. Be very clear about your intentions I.e. Spending the day with the kids, making the day all about them not about your ex and you. |
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Without knowing the circumstances of your break up, difficult to say. You don't say much about your feelings for her. You said when you met up a while ago, you didn't talk, or she couldn't. Not sure if she is a communicator. If you have feelings for her and think it could re-kindle, you guys will have to talk honestly. Could she be there, as a friend, to help you through your grief? |
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My ex is the father of our children and although there's nothing between us anymore, as we've moved on, he is always welcome in my home and always will be, I think it's nicer for the kids that way. He comes and stays for the occasional odd weekend as that often the easiest way for him to see them, and we still go on holiday together each year, we work better co-parenting as friends. We see our times together with our girls as nothing more than that and I certainly wouldn't call it playing happy families, even though it leaves the kids with happy memories |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Sounds like you're both in a bad place emotionally tbh. Shame you have to put the kids first right now but obviously that happens when you're a parent, are they mature enough to understand anything that happens over christmas or will it eave them confused?
Me and my ex are spending christmas together but our kids understand we're not together but are there for each other when we need to be. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"Out of interest how long have you been seperated?"
we have been in and out of each others lives for around 15 year . This split has been around 2 yrs . |
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"Out of interest how long have you been seperated?
we have been in and out of each others lives for around 15 year . This split has been around 2 yrs . "
Can you forgive her for being with someone else? It does sound like you both need a friend right now ... |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"My ex is the father of our children and although there's nothing between us anymore, as we've moved on, he is always welcome in my home and always will be, I think it's nicer for the kids that way. He comes and stays for the occasional odd weekend as that often the easiest way for him to see them, and we still go on holiday together each year, we work better co-parenting as friends. We see our times together with our girls as nothing more than that and I certainly wouldn't call it playing happy families, even though it leaves the kids with happy memories "
i also have kid to a previous relationship and me and that mother get along quite well . Nothing sexua just caring parents .
My point really is . I know my ex is gonna try n cuddle me etc etc . I dont wanna give my kids any false hopes at all so i feel i need an answer ..
Do you have any feelings for the other lad ?
Am i being selfish by asking |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"Out of interest how long have you been seperated?
we have been in and out of each others lives for around 15 year . This split has been around 2 yrs .
Can you forgive her for being with someone else? It does sound like you both need a friend right now ..."
Oh god yes . I know im the best sex shes ever had . But i dont know im the person she may love . If that makes sense |
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"Out of interest how long have you been seperated?
we have been in and out of each others lives for around 15 year . This split has been around 2 yrs .
Can you forgive her for being with someone else? It does sound like you both need a friend right now ...
Oh god yes . I know im the best sex shes ever had . But i dont know im the person she may love . If that makes sense "
What about your feelings for her? |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I'm very lucky that I am good friends with my ex and we've always agreed (this might change over the years) to spend Christmas together as a family, I guess we get on really well helps.
I have a new boyfriend, he has someone in his life that's not quite a gf but I know he is in love with her and both of us have accepted the new situation BUT Christmas, birthdays and anything else that involves the kids we will always (as it stands) spend with the kids |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"Out of interest how long have you been seperated?
we have been in and out of each others lives for around 15 year . This split has been around 2 yrs .
Can you forgive her for being with someone else? It does sound like you both need a friend right now ...
Oh god yes . I know im the best sex shes ever had . But i dont know im the person she may love . If that makes sense
What about your feelings for her? "
Im unsure . There was a point where i idolised her . I just feel controlled alot and that the kids are used as an emotional weapon which makes me now wonder about my feelings . Does that make sense ? |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Playing devils advocate - you've mentioned that you feel she used the kids to her advantage and you also mentioned you've recently lost your mum. Did you or is she under the impression that you are financially better off now? Just a thought but I've met a few like it.
There are 3 option
No. It's not happening
Yes. But it's about the kids and not us
Yes. I'd like it to be that start of us getting back together.
You need to pick one of them as there is yours and her feelings g but more importantly the fact your kids emotions could be fucked with at a time of year when family's love each other and miracles happen. |
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"Out of interest how long have you been seperated?
we have been in and out of each others lives for around 15 year . This split has been around 2 yrs .
Can you forgive her for being with someone else? It does sound like you both need a friend right now ...
Oh god yes . I know im the best sex shes ever had . But i dont know im the person she may love . If that makes sense
What about your feelings for her?
Im unsure . There was a point where i idolised her . I just feel controlled alot and that the kids are used as an emotional weapon which makes me now wonder about my feelings . Does that make sense ?"
Can you be honest and talk honestly and openly with her ... you may guess from my posts I am a big talker. Personally, I was single and celibate seven years so I could get my head straight, but I know some women (and men) need someone around and go from one relationship to another very quickly without time to heal or even to reflect on where they are at. You are right in that you need someone or at least some space to help you. You can make it clear you aren't ready ... is she showing you any compassion for your situation? Are there any other family member shout can turn to? |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"Playing devils advocate - you've mentioned that you feel she used the kids to her advantage and you also mentioned you've recently lost your mum. Did you or is she under the impression that you are financially better off now? Just a thought but I've met a few like it.
There are 3 option
No. It's not happening
Yes. But it's about the kids and not us
Yes. I'd like it to be that start of us getting back together.
You need to pick one of them as there is yours and her feelings g but more importantly the fact your kids emotions could be fucked with at a time of year when family's love each other and miracles happen."
no not financially better off at all .
Born in the gutter brought up there and will die there lol . No i aint minted |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Out of interest how long have you been seperated?
we have been in and out of each others lives for around 15 year . This split has been around 2 yrs .
Can you forgive her for being with someone else? It does sound like you both need a friend right now ...
Oh god yes . I know im the best sex shes ever had . But i dont know im the person she may love . If that makes sense "
It is not about sex. Do what you think is best for your children. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"OP do you want your ex back?
i want to be with my kids more than i do any woman . "
I think this is a lot more complicated than christmas tbh.
If she's manipulative then you need to fuck her off (with minimal contact) at least until she respects you. She will have known why she wanted to contact you but wasn't honest about it because you wouldn't have liked the answer.
I've got kids with another ex and i don't speak to him coz he tries to control my life and is a user and treats people like they're there to serve him and his needs. No way would he ever be invited to dinner at mine.
Dunno. I really don't think you need this shit really after losing your mum, she sounds a completely selfish, self serving **** tbh. Make sure someone is there for you right now to help you deal with stuff, and is not just taking from you.
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"Out of interest how long have you been seperated?
we have been in and out of each others lives for around 15 year . This split has been around 2 yrs .
Can you forgive her for being with someone else? It does sound like you both need a friend right now ...
Oh god yes . I know im the best sex shes ever had . But i dont know im the person she may love . If that makes sense
It is not about sex. Do what you think is best for your children."
i think it maybe is about the sex . I know any woman iv ever been with finds it difficult to forget me ( no i am not bigging myself up, thats fact ) but i think its maybe about controll aswell |
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"Out of interest how long have you been seperated?
we have been in and out of each others lives for around 15 year . This split has been around 2 yrs .
Can you forgive her for being with someone else? It does sound like you both need a friend right now ...
Oh god yes . I know im the best sex shes ever had . But i dont know im the person she may love . If that makes sense
It is not about sex. Do what you think is best for your children.
i think it maybe is about the sex . I know any woman iv ever been with finds it difficult to forget me ( no i am not bigging myself up, thats fact ) but i think its maybe about controll aswell "
Op, sex shouldn't come into it. As you said, you have just lost your mum, you should be getting support and comfort. |
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"OP do you want your ex back?
i want to be with my kids more than i do any woman . "
Speak to your ex, tell her that you want to see your children on Christmas day but that you and her need to behave like the adults in the situation and avoid any behaviour that will give you, her or the children false hope. I hope all of you can enjoy the day for what it is.  |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"OP do you want your ex back?
i want to be with my kids more than i do any woman .
Speak to your ex, tell her that you want to see your children on Christmas day but that you and her need to behave like the adults in the situation and avoid any behaviour that will give you, her or the children false hope. I hope all of you can enjoy the day for what it is. "
Ye im gonna say this and if she goes all offensive again about that then i think i kinda know the situation . |
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"OP do you want your ex back?
i want to be with my kids more than i do any woman .
Speak to your ex, tell her that you want to see your children on Christmas day but that you and her need to behave like the adults in the situation and avoid any behaviour that will give you, her or the children false hope. I hope all of you can enjoy the day for what it is.
Ye im gonna say this and if she goes all offensive again about that then i think i kinda know the situation . "
I hope she doesn't, what a shame if a few hours for the sake of the kids isn't possible.  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Out of interest how long have you been seperated?
we have been in and out of each others lives for around 15 year . This split has been around 2 yrs .
Can you forgive her for being with someone else? It does sound like you both need a friend right now ...
Oh god yes . I know im the best sex shes ever had . But i dont know im the person she may love . If that makes sense
It is not about sex. Do what you think is best for your children.
i think it maybe is about the sex . I know any woman iv ever been with finds it difficult to forget me ( no i am not bigging myself up, thats fact ) but i think its maybe about controll aswell "
Yes you are "bigging yourself up." While I have every sympathy with your situation, I feel you are avoiding the responsibility that comes with parenthood. I am pretty sure that not every woman that has put her hands down your Y-fronts finds you unforgettable.
I am very sorry to respond in such a negative way when you have such an issue but maybe the trouble is caused as much by you as by your ex?
Please concentrate on what is best for your children, not what is difficult for you. It is Christmas and I wish you and your children a good one. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"Out of interest how long have you been seperated?
we have been in and out of each others lives for around 15 year . This split has been around 2 yrs .
Can you forgive her for being with someone else? It does sound like you both need a friend right now ...
Oh god yes . I know im the best sex shes ever had . But i dont know im the person she may love . If that makes sense
It is not about sex. Do what you think is best for your children.
i think it maybe is about the sex . I know any woman iv ever been with finds it difficult to forget me ( no i am not bigging myself up, thats fact ) but i think its maybe about controll aswell
Yes you are "bigging yourself up." While I have every sympathy with your situation, I feel you are avoiding the responsibility that comes with parenthood. I am pretty sure that not every woman that has put her hands down your Y-fronts finds you unforgettable.
I am very sorry to respond in such a negative way when you have such an issue but maybe the trouble is caused as much by you as by your ex?
Please concentrate on what is best for your children, not what is difficult for you. It is Christmas and I wish you and your children a good one."
i am concentrating on the kids , i aint seen my youngest on xmas day yet , shes only 3 , i have told my ex if she comes its about the kids , i dont want to hold hands cuddle or even speak about anything other than the kids while there hear ,,, i await a reply
thanks everyone for your advise and i have taken it all on board
have a merry xmas and a fantastic new year everyone |
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"Out of interest how long have you been seperated?
we have been in and out of each others lives for around 15 year . This split has been around 2 yrs .
Can you forgive her for being with someone else? It does sound like you both need a friend right now ...
Oh god yes . I know im the best sex shes ever had . But i dont know im the person she may love . If that makes sense
It is not about sex. Do what you think is best for your children.
i think it maybe is about the sex . I know any woman iv ever been with finds it difficult to forget me ( no i am not bigging myself up, thats fact ) but i think its maybe about controll aswell "
It isn't about sex it's about your kids. Even if she finds it difficult to forget your amazing sexual prowess you need to put it to the back of your mind just for 24 hours in favour of the kids. Show yourself to be in control of your sex life not vice versa because right at this moment it looks to me as if you are using this whole situation to prove to all of us how great you are at sex and that just doesn't sit right.
Get your head straight, think about your kids and leave the stud at home. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"Out of interest how long have you been seperated?
we have been in and out of each others lives for around 15 year . This split has been around 2 yrs .
Can you forgive her for being with someone else? It does sound like you both need a friend right now ...
Oh god yes . I know im the best sex shes ever had . But i dont know im the person she may love . If that makes sense
It is not about sex. Do what you think is best for your children.
i think it maybe is about the sex . I know any woman iv ever been with finds it difficult to forget me ( no i am not bigging myself up, thats fact ) but i think its maybe about controll aswell
It isn't about sex it's about your kids. Even if she finds it difficult to forget your amazing sexual prowess you need to put it to the back of your mind just for 24 hours in favour of the kids. Show yourself to be in control of your sex life not vice versa because right at this moment it looks to me as if you are using this whole situation to prove to all of us how great you are at sex and that just doesn't sit right.
Get your head straight, think about your kids and leave the stud at home."
No I ain't , I'm just at my wits end and have no idea what to think |
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"Out of interest how long have you been seperated?
we have been in and out of each others lives for around 15 year . This split has been around 2 yrs .
Can you forgive her for being with someone else? It does sound like you both need a friend right now ...
Oh god yes . I know im the best sex shes ever had . But i dont know im the person she may love . If that makes sense
It is not about sex. Do what you think is best for your children.
i think it maybe is about the sex . I know any woman iv ever been with finds it difficult to forget me ( no i am not bigging myself up, thats fact ) but i think its maybe about controll aswell
It isn't about sex it's about your kids. Even if she finds it difficult to forget your amazing sexual prowess you need to put it to the back of your mind just for 24 hours in favour of the kids. Show yourself to be in control of your sex life not vice versa because right at this moment it looks to me as if you are using this whole situation to prove to all of us how great you are at sex and that just doesn't sit right.
Get your head straight, think about your kids and leave the stud at home.
No I ain't , I'm just at my wits end and have no idea what to think "
That's why I said you need to get your head straight. It's tough, you've had a big knock with your mum's death and you need to try and get your thoughts in order. I'm not unsympathetic but in situations like this you have to try and focus if you can.
After Christmas give yourself a break, be kind to yourself and step back.
Happy and peaceful Christmas to you and yours |
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Op - it's important that you do only those things that are right for you. As long as you take care of your children, it's vital Imo that you do not get rail roaded into a situation that someone is trying to push you into.
If unsure, then keep your distance until you are. You probably know the answer but your recent loss will be weighing upon your spirit. Spend time with those who care and love you. And just let your ex know if you're uncertain and that you'll keep your distance.
Don't agree to any further get togethers, unless she is fully honest about them and when - and if - you're ready. If you wish to remain separated then do not,meet - just let her know this. |
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"Ok so me and my ex/mother of my youngest kids . In march she needed to see me so i agreed . Anyway when we met up i asked . So whats the purpose of this . Seemed like she had not alot to say really . Telling me how things had gotten pretty fukd up ( men and partys etc etc ) told me she was seeing a lad . Told me she really likes him n how the kids love him n that she does think she loves him and how she might be pregnant . Ok so why you wanting to see me . Dont know she said i just needed to see you . She aint seeing this younger lad anymore but does still speak to him . His gf lives next dr to her but he lives elsewhere . Anyway she wanted to bring the kids through xmas day and us all spend it together . Eating munch watching the usual xmas tv programmes and cuddling up as a family we once wer . Yestetday i agreed as i want my kids being happy . Today iv had time to think it over and wasnt to fond on the idea . So i asked . You told me you had feelings for another man . Which she denys saying . But anyway shes gone all deffensive calling me a selfish man . Am i being selfish or should i expect her to answer that question before trying to play the happy family that we clearly aint ? "
Wouldnt you just love being with your kids at xmas?
Wouldnt they love seeing you?
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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The fact that she met you when she was with the other guy would make me think shed been thinking of you before this maybe shes been wanting you all along all depends on if you want to go back with being that way involved with her again |
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By *alcon43Woman
over a year ago
Paisley |
"Playing devils advocate - you've mentioned that you feel she used the kids to her advantage and you also mentioned you've recently lost your mum. Did you or is she under the impression that you are financially better off now? Just a thought but I've met a few like it.
There are 3 option
No. It's not happening
Yes. But it's about the kids and not us
Yes. I'd like it to be that start of us getting back together.
You need to pick one of them as there is yours and her feelings g but more importantly the fact your kids emotions could be fucked with at a time of year when family's love each other and miracles happen."
I had the same thoughts. Have you inherited anything from your Mum? As post above says you need to make a decision. You've just had a bereavement and emotions are raw. Don't make any hasty decisions. No doubt you'll have a lot to sort out. Seem odd she suddenly wants back in to your life.
Remember too that the kids have lost their Gran.
Hope you get through this and there's always someone here to listen and chat to. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Op it sounds to me that this relationship is dead and not healthy for you. Especially at such an emotional time as losing your mum.
She sounds lonely at Christmas and is trying to play happy families using the kids as leverage.
Rather than confuse the kids, stick to your original set up of seeing your kids at Christmas that is what is important to them...seeing their dad!
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