FabSwingers.com > Forums > The Lounge > Anyone identify as aromantic?
Anyone identify as aromantic?
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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Just wondering if anyone else around these parts identifies as aromantic? And what was it that made you realise you you were aromantic?
I'm curious to find others who are aromantic, and it seems logical that a swingers site would actually have more aromantic individuals than most places. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"I'm aromatic.
How did you realise that?
When a colleague said she liked my aftershave."
And there I was trying not to be a cunt and jump on your inability to spell... |
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"I'm aromatic.
How did you realise that?
When a colleague said she liked my aftershave.
And there I was trying not to be a cunt and jump on your inability to spell..."
And there was me setting a trap you didn't fall into. Touché   |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Now I know what I means, I think I maybe one as I've no interest in the getting romantically involved with anyone though I did used to envy the old people I used to see walking past my office holding hands |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"I have missed your forum contributions Wasp, glad to see you about again.
Erm- and I could google this but please, indulge me?- what is an aromantic?"
You might be best off googling it and finding the list of 50 or so things that one author suggests you might be an aromantic if you identify with them.
Most basically - it's having no romantic feelings towards people, and not having any desire to try and be romantic. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"Now I know what I means, I think I maybe one as I've no interest in the getting romantically involved with anyone though I did used to envy the old people I used to see walking past my office holding hands"
To me, it's more about not being able to get romantically involved. I simply don't have that part of the emotional spectrum and the whole 'romance' thing just seems utterly bizarre and illogical to me.
I couldn't be romantic even if I wanted to be - I'm incapable of those feelings (and always have been). |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I have missed your forum contributions Wasp, glad to see you about again.
Erm- and I could google this but please, indulge me?- what is an aromantic?
You might be best off googling it and finding the list of 50 or so things that one author suggests you might be an aromantic if you identify with them.
Most basically - it's having no romantic feelings towards people, and not having any desire to try and be romantic."
I Googled and found a list- I'm not aromantic. I also Googled romantic- I'm not really that either, or at least I don't fit in with the usual 'romantic' type things that other people seem to like. My own weird romantic way.  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I've never been romantic or felt the need to be in a relationship. Do enjoy intimacy and sex but am also very selfish, like my own space, and just don't enjoy committing myself to anyone.
I'd never heard of this word either. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Now I know what I means, I think I maybe one as I've no interest in the getting romantically involved with anyone though I did used to envy the old people I used to see walking past my office holding hands
To me, it's more about not being able to get romantically involved. I simply don't have that part of the emotional spectrum and the whole 'romance' thing just seems utterly bizarre and illogical to me.
I couldn't be romantic even if I wanted to be - I'm incapable of those feelings (and always have been)."
Is it separate to love? Can't do that bit, didn't love nor was in love with any of my exes just fond of or perhaps desperate to have someone for myself, now I'm not bothered |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Now I know what I means, I think I maybe one as I've no interest in the getting romantically involved with anyone though I did used to envy the old people I used to see walking past my office holding hands
To me, it's more about not being able to get romantically involved. I simply don't have that part of the emotional spectrum and the whole 'romance' thing just seems utterly bizarre and illogical to me.
I couldn't be romantic even if I wanted to be - I'm incapable of those feelings (and always have been).
Is it separate to love? Can't do that bit, didn't love nor was in love with any of my exes just fond of or perhaps desperate to have someone for myself, now I'm not bothered "
I think it's separate. Although love can be a part of romance.
Love is a bond you feel for someone despite their 'flaws' and given without expectations, a bond that another person can't give you in the same way as anyone else (you can love many people but you'll love them for who/what they are). Love can also just be how you treat other people.
Romance is gestures, mystery, fantasy, expectations, and you could get it off pretty much anyone. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"Now I know what I means, I think I maybe one as I've no interest in the getting romantically involved with anyone though I did used to envy the old people I used to see walking past my office holding hands
To me, it's more about not being able to get romantically involved. I simply don't have that part of the emotional spectrum and the whole 'romance' thing just seems utterly bizarre and illogical to me.
I couldn't be romantic even if I wanted to be - I'm incapable of those feelings (and always have been).
Is it separate to love? Can't do that bit, didn't love nor was in love with any of my exes just fond of or perhaps desperate to have someone for myself, now I'm not bothered
I think it's separate. Although love can be a part of romance.
Love is a bond you feel for someone despite their 'flaws' and given without expectations, a bond that another person can't give you in the same way as anyone else (you can love many people but you'll love them for who/what they are). Love can also just be how you treat other people.
Romance is gestures, mystery, fantasy, expectations, and you could get it off pretty much anyone."
I don't know. I don't feel love either and nor do most of the aromantics that I know. They largely seem to go hand in hand, although there could be exceptions.
I care about some people very much, and I feel various emotions for them - but those emotions are not love, and I do not have any romantic feelings for them. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Now I know what I means, I think I maybe one as I've no interest in the getting romantically involved with anyone though I did used to envy the old people I used to see walking past my office holding hands
To me, it's more about not being able to get romantically involved. I simply don't have that part of the emotional spectrum and the whole 'romance' thing just seems utterly bizarre and illogical to me.
I couldn't be romantic even if I wanted to be - I'm incapable of those feelings (and always have been).
Is it separate to love? Can't do that bit, didn't love nor was in love with any of my exes just fond of or perhaps desperate to have someone for myself, now I'm not bothered
I think it's separate. Although love can be a part of romance.
Love is a bond you feel for someone despite their 'flaws' and given without expectations, a bond that another person can't give you in the same way as anyone else (you can love many people but you'll love them for who/what they are). Love can also just be how you treat other people.
Romance is gestures, mystery, fantasy, expectations, and you could get it off pretty much anyone.
I don't know. I don't feel love either and nor do most of the aromantics that I know. They largely seem to go hand in hand, although there could be exceptions.
I care about some people very much, and I feel various emotions for them - but those emotions are not love, and I do not have any romantic feelings for them."
Caring is a type of love btw.
I could be wrong about the above, that's how i feel about it though.
But saying that i have felt love, and even that i would happily die for someone else, so i might not even be aromantic. I know relationships just seem to happen to me and i don't look for them or really want them, but again was quite happy in an 11 yr relationship until he cheated on me. So maybe me having expectations of faithfulness was romance?
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"I've never been romantic or felt the need to be in a relationship. Do enjoy intimacy and sex but am also very selfish, like my own space, and just don't enjoy committing myself to anyone.
I'd never heard of this word either."
You can put 'a' in front of almost any descriptive word you like to change it to 'not' - amoral, atypical, asymmetrical, asexual etc, etc. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"Now I know what I means, I think I maybe one as I've no interest in the getting romantically involved with anyone though I did used to envy the old people I used to see walking past my office holding hands
To me, it's more about not being able to get romantically involved. I simply don't have that part of the emotional spectrum and the whole 'romance' thing just seems utterly bizarre and illogical to me.
I couldn't be romantic even if I wanted to be - I'm incapable of those feelings (and always have been).
Is it separate to love? Can't do that bit, didn't love nor was in love with any of my exes just fond of or perhaps desperate to have someone for myself, now I'm not bothered
I think it's separate. Although love can be a part of romance.
Love is a bond you feel for someone despite their 'flaws' and given without expectations, a bond that another person can't give you in the same way as anyone else (you can love many people but you'll love them for who/what they are). Love can also just be how you treat other people.
Romance is gestures, mystery, fantasy, expectations, and you could get it off pretty much anyone.
I don't know. I don't feel love either and nor do most of the aromantics that I know. They largely seem to go hand in hand, although there could be exceptions.
I care about some people very much, and I feel various emotions for them - but those emotions are not love, and I do not have any romantic feelings for them.
Caring is a type of love btw.
I could be wrong about the above, that's how i feel about it though.
But saying that i have felt love, and even that i would happily die for someone else, so i might not even be aromantic. I know relationships just seem to happen to me and i don't look for them or really want them, but again was quite happy in an 11 yr relationship until he cheated on me. So maybe me having expectations of faithfulness was romance?
"
I wouldn't suggest caring is a type of love. I care about refugees and paying the amount right tax - neither of those things are things I love. I don't feel any kind of love for anybody, not even my parents. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I've never been romantic or felt the need to be in a relationship. Do enjoy intimacy and sex but am also very selfish, like my own space, and just don't enjoy committing myself to anyone.
I'd never heard of this word either.
You can put 'a' in front of almost any descriptive word you like to change it to 'not' - amoral, atypical, asymmetrical, asexual etc, etc."
Thanks. Funnily enough i was talking about prefixes with my son just yesterday, lol. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Now I know what I means, I think I maybe one as I've no interest in the getting romantically involved with anyone though I did used to envy the old people I used to see walking past my office holding hands
To me, it's more about not being able to get romantically involved. I simply don't have that part of the emotional spectrum and the whole 'romance' thing just seems utterly bizarre and illogical to me.
I couldn't be romantic even if I wanted to be - I'm incapable of those feelings (and always have been).
Is it separate to love? Can't do that bit, didn't love nor was in love with any of my exes just fond of or perhaps desperate to have someone for myself, now I'm not bothered
I think it's separate. Although love can be a part of romance.
Love is a bond you feel for someone despite their 'flaws' and given without expectations, a bond that another person can't give you in the same way as anyone else (you can love many people but you'll love them for who/what they are). Love can also just be how you treat other people.
Romance is gestures, mystery, fantasy, expectations, and you could get it off pretty much anyone.
I don't know. I don't feel love either and nor do most of the aromantics that I know. They largely seem to go hand in hand, although there could be exceptions.
I care about some people very much, and I feel various emotions for them - but those emotions are not love, and I do not have any romantic feelings for them.
Caring is a type of love btw.
I could be wrong about the above, that's how i feel about it though.
But saying that i have felt love, and even that i would happily die for someone else, so i might not even be aromantic. I know relationships just seem to happen to me and i don't look for them or really want them, but again was quite happy in an 11 yr relationship until he cheated on me. So maybe me having expectations of faithfulness was romance?
I wouldn't suggest caring is a type of love. I care about refugees and paying the amount right tax - neither of those things are things I love. I don't feel any kind of love for anybody, not even my parents."
Interesting. I think caring about taxes is a different type of caring than about other peoples welfare, but even if it didn't mean that then i don't understand what not loving means (exactly). It's also possible i might not actually be able to understand this at all, sorry. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"I am a romantic , I like to do things in person ,love to see her smile ,love to hold her hand and kiss her lips ,I am a practical romantic though and so much love to give ,shame for those who havnt had love but maybe its not too late "
Not a shame, nor too late. I've had plenty of opportunities to experience it, it's just not an emotion that I have nor that I particularly desire.
You're missing the point, which is that some people don't experience those emotions and don't have a problem with not experiencing them. It's not a flaw or something missing from them, they're just different to you. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Just wondering if anyone else around these parts identifies as aromantic? And what was it that made you realise you you were aromantic?
I'm curious to find others who are aromantic, and it seems logical that a swingers site would actually have more aromantic individuals than most places."
Not I.
Just split with my bloke partly because romantic feelings were creeping in. I'm a hopeless romantic and an eternal optimist.  |
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I'm generally a romantic I enjoy being in love and being loved
Although I would not stretch to using the word need as I'm fairly robust and mentally self sufficient ,I feel that my health and general demeanour is improved with symbiotic romantic love xx |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I am a romantic , I like to do things in person ,love to see her smile ,love to hold her hand and kiss her lips ,I am a practical romantic though and so much love to give ,shame for those who havnt had love but maybe its not too late
Not a shame, nor too late. I've had plenty of opportunities to experience it, it's just not an emotion that I have nor that I particularly desire.
You're missing the point, which is that some people don't experience those emotions and don't have a problem with not experiencing them. It's not a flaw or something missing from them, they're just different to you."
didn't say it was a flaw but still feel its a shame not to experience it ,fab is a place for experience some which I hope never to achieve but many that have been great ,the you you are now is the consequence of your past and for some not the best some can turn it around ,some don't want to ,some hate change ,some thrive on adversity . I like to make people smile I don't always achieve it but for the most part I do      |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"the you you are now is the consequence of your past and for some not the best some can turn it around ,some don't want to ,some hate change ,some thrive on adversity"
That is like saying that being gay is a consequence of your past. Clearly it's not.
Being aromantic isn't a choice - it's just the way you're born. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"I have a friend who's aromantic. His partner is really struggling with it. She needs the reassurance of cuddles and he just doesn't see the point. "
Yeah, I have this problem with one of my partners. Well, it's not really a problem. He's very affectionate and I'm not at all. But it's ok, of course he has other partners so he gets his cuddle quota filled by them and I don't feel obliged to do things that I don't enjoy. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I have a friend who's aromantic. His partner is really struggling with it. She needs the reassurance of cuddles and he just doesn't see the point.
Yeah, I have this problem with one of my partners. Well, it's not really a problem. He's very affectionate and I'm not at all. But it's ok, of course he has other partners so he gets his cuddle quota filled by them and I don't feel obliged to do things that I don't enjoy."
If she gets upset he just sees her crying and it irritates him.
His answer to the cuddle thing is 'all she has to do is ask'. I was counselling them when this came out. I hadn't encountered it before. He says it just doesn't occur to him to show affection. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"I have a friend who's aromantic. His partner is really struggling with it. She needs the reassurance of cuddles and he just doesn't see the point.
Yeah, I have this problem with one of my partners. Well, it's not really a problem. He's very affectionate and I'm not at all. But it's ok, of course he has other partners so he gets his cuddle quota filled by them and I don't feel obliged to do things that I don't enjoy.
If she gets upset he just sees her crying and it irritates him.
His answer to the cuddle thing is 'all she has to do is ask'. I was counselling them when this came out. I hadn't encountered it before. He says it just doesn't occur to him to show affection. "
I can completely relate to that. It wouldn't occur to me to hold hands with someone, kiss someone, cuddle someone. I can get irritated too when people cry, because I don't understand why you would cry in a situation like that - it's not helpful to anything.
I was very lucky I think that I met my long-term partner who is also aromantic (and his long-term partner is too). It gave me the confidence boost I needed to just be myself, and not feel like I have to indulge in things that make other people feel good, but not myself. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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@wasp
Interesting point you made earlier about caring for people & feeling other emotions for them ~ how would you describe those emotions, could they be a type of love?
What defines love as love anyway when there are so many different ways that it can be felt and expressed.
great thread btw  |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"@wasp
Interesting point you made earlier about caring for people & feeling other emotions for them ~ how would you describe those emotions, could they be a type of love?
What defines love as love anyway when there are so many different ways that it can be felt and expressed.
great thread btw "
I might be concerned for my dads health, I could be worried that my friend has not handed her essay in, I would be joyful if my girlfriend passed her medical exams, and I would feel compersion when my partner finds happiness with another partner.
All of those things are emotion, none of them are love. Some people might feel those things as a side effect of loving people (either romantically or non-romantically) but I feel those emotions without the love part. I feel them for my friends the same way that I feel them for my client (although undoubtedly more strongly the closer the friend). |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I have a friend who's aromantic. His partner is really struggling with it. She needs the reassurance of cuddles and he just doesn't see the point.
Yeah, I have this problem with one of my partners. Well, it's not really a problem. He's very affectionate and I'm not at all. But it's ok, of course he has other partners so he gets his cuddle quota filled by them and I don't feel obliged to do things that I don't enjoy.
If she gets upset he just sees her crying and it irritates him.
His answer to the cuddle thing is 'all she has to do is ask'. I was counselling them when this came out. I hadn't encountered it before. He says it just doesn't occur to him to show affection.
I can completely relate to that. It wouldn't occur to me to hold hands with someone, kiss someone, cuddle someone. I can get irritated too when people cry, because I don't understand why you would cry in a situation like that - it's not helpful to anything.
I was very lucky I think that I met my long-term partner who is also aromantic (and his long-term partner is too). It gave me the confidence boost I needed to just be myself, and not feel like I have to indulge in things that make other people feel good, but not myself."
I must confess I was a bit taken aback initially as I am completely the other way round.
We ended the session and I took him home. He and I then continued to talk for a few hours.
I initially thought it was a result of his childhood as he has described a lot of that to me before.
I'm now unsure if this is just how he is or if it's a result of his life experience. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"I have a friend who's aromantic. His partner is really struggling with it. She needs the reassurance of cuddles and he just doesn't see the point.
Yeah, I have this problem with one of my partners. Well, it's not really a problem. He's very affectionate and I'm not at all. But it's ok, of course he has other partners so he gets his cuddle quota filled by them and I don't feel obliged to do things that I don't enjoy.
If she gets upset he just sees her crying and it irritates him.
His answer to the cuddle thing is 'all she has to do is ask'. I was counselling them when this came out. I hadn't encountered it before. He says it just doesn't occur to him to show affection.
I can completely relate to that. It wouldn't occur to me to hold hands with someone, kiss someone, cuddle someone. I can get irritated too when people cry, because I don't understand why you would cry in a situation like that - it's not helpful to anything.
I was very lucky I think that I met my long-term partner who is also aromantic (and his long-term partner is too). It gave me the confidence boost I needed to just be myself, and not feel like I have to indulge in things that make other people feel good, but not myself.
I must confess I was a bit taken aback initially as I am completely the other way round.
We ended the session and I took him home. He and I then continued to talk for a few hours.
I initially thought it was a result of his childhood as he has described a lot of that to me before.
I'm now unsure if this is just how he is or if it's a result of his life experience. "
I have always been the same way. When I was a child I used to get scolded because I didn't want to give people (relatives) a kidd and cuddle. I still refuse to hug and kiss relatives. They still insist because they find it funny.
I didn't have an unpleasant childhood or anything, I just don't don't feel those kind of emotions. And I'm certainly not alone - aromantic (and asexual) people are finding each other in quite large amounts and all having related experiences that show we're not just damaged individuals, it's just the way we are.
I have been like this since I was born. My parents confirm this. It's just the way I have always been - and I'd suggest it's proberbly been that way for your friend too. When I was younger I used to pretend to be romantic and would say things like 'I love you' because I thought that I was weird, a freak, the only person who felt that way. I did it to fit in, because I thought that's what society expected me to do. Now I don't have to, because I tell people early on that it's how I am, and they can either accept that or not - but I won't lie anymore. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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One thing the Internet really had to answer for are the ever growing list of insane labels people decide they need based on a check list written as click bait.
Coming up next week "are you a zombieofile take our simple quiz!"
Followed by "50 signs you're impressionable, sponsored by the Monsanto corporation"
And finally "do you have a problem with personality quizzes? Find out now in only 600 questions!"
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"I have a friend who's aromantic. His partner is really struggling with it. She needs the reassurance of cuddles and he just doesn't see the point.
Yeah, I have this problem with one of my partners. Well, it's not really a problem. He's very affectionate and I'm not at all. But it's ok, of course he has other partners so he gets his cuddle quota filled by them and I don't feel obliged to do things that I don't enjoy.
If she gets upset he just sees her crying and it irritates him.
His answer to the cuddle thing is 'all she has to do is ask'. I was counselling them when this came out. I hadn't encountered it before. He says it just doesn't occur to him to show affection.
I can completely relate to that. It wouldn't occur to me to hold hands with someone, kiss someone, cuddle someone. I can get irritated too when people cry, because I don't understand why you would cry in a situation like that - it's not helpful to anything.
I was very lucky I think that I met my long-term partner who is also aromantic (and his long-term partner is too). It gave me the confidence boost I needed to just be myself, and not feel like I have to indulge in things that make other people feel good, but not myself.
I must confess I was a bit taken aback initially as I am completely the other way round.
We ended the session and I took him home. He and I then continued to talk for a few hours.
I initially thought it was a result of his childhood as he has described a lot of that to me before.
I'm now unsure if this is just how he is or if it's a result of his life experience. "
And one's life experience starts before you are born too, so it's pretty difficult to be sure one way or another. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"One thing the Internet really had to answer for are the ever growing list of insane labels people decide they need based on a check list written as click bait.
Coming up next week "are you a zombieofile take our simple quiz!"
Followed by "50 signs you're impressionable, sponsored by the Monsanto corporation"
And finally "do you have a problem with personality quizzes? Find out now in only 600 questions!"
"
I'm sorry that you feel my identifying labels (how I explain myself to other people) are insane.
That's quite hurtful really. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I have a friend who's aromantic. His partner is really struggling with it. She needs the reassurance of cuddles and he just doesn't see the point. "
That sounds more like a lack of empathy than romantic feelings.
Comforting someone in distress does not need romantic involvement.
If it did society would be a very different and arguably more exploitative place. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"I have a friend who's aromantic. His partner is really struggling with it. She needs the reassurance of cuddles and he just doesn't see the point.
That sounds more like a lack of empathy than romantic feelings.
Comforting someone in distress does not need romantic involvement.
If it did society would be a very different and arguably more exploitative place."
When my partner wants cuddles he's not in distress, he just has desires to perform romantic actions because they affirm that I am interested in him (and he likes the feeling of them).
I do not enjoy the feeling of cuddles and I don't see why you need cuddles to feel wanted.
It's not a lack of empathy to not enjoy having cuddles - it's just not enjoying cuddles. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I have a friend who's aromantic. His partner is really struggling with it. She needs the reassurance of cuddles and he just doesn't see the point.
That sounds more like a lack of empathy than romantic feelings.
Comforting someone in distress does not need romantic involvement.
If it did society would be a very different and arguably more exploitative place.
When my partner wants cuddles he's not in distress, he just has desires to perform romantic actions because they affirm that I am interested in him (and he likes the feeling of them).
I do not enjoy the feeling of cuddles and I don't see why you need cuddles to feel wanted.
It's not a lack of empathy to not enjoy having cuddles - it's just not enjoying cuddles."
It was not your partner i was refeting to thougj was it?
this was her friend who described seeing his crying girlfriend as "irritating".
That's nothing to do with romance at that point it's more classic in terms of empathy and it's responses.
Not rare, not wrong just a deviation from the normal typical response.
So in you're completely different scenerio of your partner wanting cuddles to feel a romantic connection yes romance is relevant.
This is why labels fail though, sitting there you are the most complex chemical and electrical constructz on this planet. capable of unbelievable things and so complex and reliant upon external and internal feed back loops and random processes, that trying to define yourself, or anyone, by a 50 point checklist is much like trying to comprehend physics without using maths.
You might have a rough idea but you'll never get a remotely accurate answer
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Just wondering if anyone else around these parts identifies as aromantic? And what was it that made you realise you you were aromantic?
I'm curious to find others who are aromantic, and it seems logical that a swingers site would actually have more aromantic individuals than most places."
A scent of a woman ,trully love it |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I have a friend who's aromantic. His partner is really struggling with it. She needs the reassurance of cuddles and he just doesn't see the point.
Yeah, I have this problem with one of my partners. Well, it's not really a problem. He's very affectionate and I'm not at all. But it's ok, of course he has other partners so he gets his cuddle quota filled by them and I don't feel obliged to do things that I don't enjoy.
If she gets upset he just sees her crying and it irritates him.
His answer to the cuddle thing is 'all she has to do is ask'. I was counselling them when this came out. I hadn't encountered it before. He says it just doesn't occur to him to show affection.
I can completely relate to that. It wouldn't occur to me to hold hands with someone, kiss someone, cuddle someone. I can get irritated too when people cry, because I don't understand why you would cry in a situation like that - it's not helpful to anything.
I was very lucky I think that I met my long-term partner who is also aromantic (and his long-term partner is too). It gave me the confidence boost I needed to just be myself, and not feel like I have to indulge in things that make other people feel good, but not myself.
I must confess I was a bit taken aback initially as I am completely the other way round.
We ended the session and I took him home. He and I then continued to talk for a few hours.
I initially thought it was a result of his childhood as he has described a lot of that to me before.
I'm now unsure if this is just how he is or if it's a result of his life experience.
I have always been the same way. When I was a child I used to get scolded because I didn't want to give people (relatives) a kidd and cuddle. I still refuse to hug and kiss relatives. They still insist because they find it funny.
I didn't have an unpleasant childhood or anything, I just don't don't feel those kind of emotions. And I'm certainly not alone - aromantic (and asexual) people are finding each other in quite large amounts and all having related experiences that show we're not just damaged individuals, it's just the way we are.
I have been like this since I was born. My parents confirm this. It's just the way I have always been - and I'd suggest it's proberbly been that way for your friend too. When I was younger I used to pretend to be romantic and would say things like 'I love you' because I thought that I was weird, a freak, the only person who felt that way. I did it to fit in, because I thought that's what society expected me to do. Now I don't have to, because I tell people early on that it's how I am, and they can either accept that or not - but I won't lie anymore."
I can certainly relate to that last line, as you know. Xx |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"It was not your partner i was refeting to thougj was it?
this was her friend who described seeing his crying girlfriend as "irritating".
That's nothing to do with romance at that point it's more classic in terms of empathy and it's responses.
Not rare, not wrong just a deviation from the normal typical response.
So in you're completely different scenerio of your partner wanting cuddles to feel a romantic connection yes romance is relevant.
This is why labels fail though, sitting there you are the most complex chemical and electrical constructz on this planet. capable of unbelievable things and so complex and reliant upon external and internal feed back loops and random processes, that trying to define yourself, or anyone, by a 50 point checklist is much like trying to comprehend physics without using maths.
You might have a rough idea but you'll never get a remotely accurate answer
"
No, it wasn't my partner - although as I said in my reply to that post I have similar difficulties with people in my own life.
You are right in that labels are pointless. But I think that people agree that they are generally healthier. I mean you most likely introduce yourself to people as 'a man' for instance rather than 'someone with a penis'. That's a label, and it's helpful. To me and other people, the term aromantic is helpful in describing the way that we feel and the way that we identify.
Labels can be helpful and they can be good things. When they help you understand things about yourself, when they help you realise that you're not the only person who feels this way, when they help you find more happiness in your life they're great. |
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By *imiUKMan
over a year ago
Hereford |
I'm not romantic in the conventional sense of the word.
It seems that "romance" is adhering to tired old conventions and/or buying people stuff.
I abhor valentines day - why would I need a special day (that is the same day as every fucker else) to tell someone that I love them?
Why would I buy someone a dead plant to show them my affection?
On the other hand, I will do things for people without hesitaion, if they need my help. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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sometimes I'm this, sometimes I'm that..
I grew to hate much psycho babble when studying..I learned more about people in my interactions with them than textbooks were teaching me.
These words to describe mindsets can be somewhat interesting but I'd cringe hearing someone say "Well I'm metrosexual and homorphic you know" |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"sometimes I'm this, sometimes I'm that..
I grew to hate much psycho babble when studying..I learned more about people in my interactions with them than textbooks were teaching me.
These words to describe mindsets can be somewhat interesting but I'd cringe hearing someone say "Well I'm metrosexual and homorphic you know""
*I intended to make up the word homorphic..then googled it..seemed more about maths, but then there is a zoological meaning too...so it sorta panned out ok... |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I'm very much a romantic and idealistic person, unfortunately I've never been very good at it, like a bee who finds the flower, then drops the nectar, despairs, and flies off to find another... |
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"I have a friend who's aromantic. His partner is really struggling with it. She needs the reassurance of cuddles and he just doesn't see the point.
That sounds more like a lack of empathy than romantic feelings.
Comforting someone in distress does not need romantic involvement.
If it did society would be a very different and arguably more exploitative place.
When my partner wants cuddles he's not in distress, he just has desires to perform romantic actions because they affirm that I am interested in him (and he likes the feeling of them).
I do not enjoy the feeling of cuddles and I don't see why you need cuddles to feel wanted.
It's not a lack of empathy to not enjoy having cuddles - it's just not enjoying cuddles.
It was not your partner i was refeting to thougj was it?
this was her friend who described seeing his crying girlfriend as "irritating".
That's nothing to do with romance at that point it's more classic in terms of empathy and it's responses.
Not rare, not wrong just a deviation from the normal typical response.
So in you're completely different scenerio of your partner wanting cuddles to feel a romantic connection yes romance is relevant.
"
Is that romance necessarily though - I would not say so, that's just being tactile, or affectionate, or sensual. I am very much all three, I have a great desire to touch and be touched in many ways, but romance is something yet further - it is making more overt expressions and gestures of love I think.  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Now I know what I means, I think I maybe one as I've no interest in the getting romantically involved with anyone though I did used to envy the old people I used to see walking past my office holding hands
To me, it's more about not being able to get romantically involved. I simply don't have that part of the emotional spectrum and the whole 'romance' thing just seems utterly bizarre and illogical to me.
I couldn't be romantic even if I wanted to be - I'm incapable of those feelings (and always have been)."
Not having that part of the emotional spectrum sounds very alike to psychopaths, although in their case it is a lack of empathy. Sounds very similar.
I guess to a partner this could be disconcerting, I guess it depends on a lot of factors as to why someone would be aromantic.
Upbringing, genetic make up, God knows. |
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