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why can i not get her to let go
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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30 years together kids all grown up and we have been going through a tuff time, she loves me to bits but i have told her im not in love with her anymore, she wants me to give it time to see if i fall in love again but ive been like this for 2 years, how can i get her to let go or do i stay in a marrige and be unhapy?
Ive never met on here or cheated thought about it so much just not going to cause my wife any humiliation thats not in my nature |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Well I have been in your wife's shoes, thinking everything is ok, loving the ground you walk on (not you as that would be weird) then the bomb shell comes (even though you are waiting for that moment you are sat down with the 'we need to talk' chat)
My advice as that person, it takes time to get over but you do get over it; you've been married a very long time and it won't take her a month to get over it (damn we were married 15 years and split a year ago it's only now I feel normal)
You have to take that step, it's not nice (believe me) but she will build a new life (mind you are you worried about her or just worried about starting a new life?) but you will both get through it |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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That was a bit mean of me, sorry....
Right, you don't wanna humiliate her you say, so stop doing anything that will humiliate her, do that right now.
Next, you love her, so you say. Then think about what you want from life, next think about how you can do that in the kindest way possible to her.
Lying to her isn't loving her, you're going to have to be totally honest with her, even if it breaks her heart. She'll get over a broken heart a lot easier than finding out anything you've been up to behind her back or having to deal with lies or living a lie. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"That was a bit mean of me, sorry....
Right, you don't wanna humiliate her you say, so stop doing anything that will humiliate her, do that right now.
Next, you love her, so you say. Then think about what you want from life, next think about how you can do that in the kindest way possible to her.
You've gone from cunt to caring in the space of a few minutes......now there's a real woman
Lying to her isn't loving her, you're going to have to be totally honest with her, even if it breaks her heart. She'll get over a broken heart a lot easier than finding out anything you've been up to behind her back or having to deal with lies or living a lie."
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"That was a bit mean of me, sorry....
Right, you don't wanna humiliate her you say, so stop doing anything that will humiliate her, do that right now.
Next, you love her, so you say. Then think about what you want from life, next think about how you can do that in the kindest way possible to her.
You've gone from cunt to caring in the space of a few minutes......now there's a real woman
Lying to her isn't loving her, you're going to have to be totally honest with her, even if it breaks her heart. She'll get over a broken heart a lot easier than finding out anything you've been up to behind her back or having to deal with lies or living a lie. "
I am a very fickle and complicated woman.
I do care, but sometimes certain things get my back up and i get annoyed. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Have you tried to re start things.?
It's all well and good being miserable for however long but if the other person doesn't know how can they change. It's a shame to not make one last push.
It's your choice and do what you think is right of course. Just remember the grass isn't always greener and 30 years is a long time xx |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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You want to leave and have played the scenario out in your head & can imagine a life without her.
She hasn't because it isn't her choice to seperate. If you really want to leave then you are going to have to just do it and accept that you will hurt her.
Or you stay, try marriage counselling and see if you can work it out. If you don't want that though then I think it's fairer to her in the long run to walk away. |
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when you want to leave a marriage it's easier to hope that you can walk away without causing hurt, a mutual, amicable divorce with both of you agreeing it's for the best no body feeling they have caused hurt to the other. I'm afraid that's not possible in most cases, the only way is to talk, answer questions, go to relate if that's what she wants and help her come to terms with it or just say you're going and go.
I will just say that hoping not to humiliate her will start with hiding your profile until you have talked things through with her, the truth about your situation might make acceptance easier for her too.
I hope things work out for the best for all concerned. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Well I have been in your wife's shoes, thinking everything is ok, loving the ground you walk on (not you as that would be weird) then the bomb shell comes (even though you are waiting for that moment you are sat down with the 'we need to talk' chat)
My advice as that person, it takes time to get over but you do get over it; you've been married a very long time and it won't take her a month to get over it (damn we were married 15 years and split a year ago it's only now I feel normal)
You have to take that step, it's not nice (believe me) but she will build a new life (mind you are you worried about her or just worried about starting a new life?) but you will both get through it "
this i was married 22years and with him for 24 years been divorced ten years now and it was so hard i thought we would always be together it took time along time tho i did get over him and met some1 else tho il always care for my kids dad |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"You've had years to process these thoughts, she's had how long? Days? How can you expect someone to let go to a whole lifetime practically overnight? "
She may have had a while to accept he doesn't want to be with her,some people won't accept it and hang on,leaving the other with a dilemma. We don't know how she feels. |
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"You've had years to process these thoughts, she's had how long? Days? How can you expect someone to let go to a whole lifetime practically overnight?
She may have had a while to accept he doesn't want to be with her,some people won't accept it and hang on,leaving the other with a dilemma. We don't know how she feels. "
I think you hit the nail on the head when you say we don't know how she feels, that's always the case in these posts. It's very sad. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"30 years together kids all grown up and we have been going through a tuff time, she loves me to bits but i have told her im not in love with her anymore, she wants me to give it time to see if i fall in love again but ive been like this for 2 years, how can i get her to let go or do i stay in a marrige and be unhapy?
Ive never met on here or cheated thought about it so much just not going to cause my wife any humiliation thats not in my nature"
30 years is a lot of time for a woman to be supporting you and then you have the kids the memories etc
You have been a coward and been on a swinging site with a verification 1 year before the 2 years you state that you stopped loving her
You need to work on your relationship and try and sort it out the thing with this site is that it always makes the grass look greener on the other side
It's more than likely for you don't , you will have a messy divorce , arguments over house , she may turn kids and grand kids against you
My advice is work on relationship make some changes to yourself and how you behave because once you cheat after 30 years of marriage you can't take that 30 years of trust away and it just eats you up
Inside
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Is there anyone you can go and stay with OP for a while?
Having some time apart may make you realise you still want to be with your wife or it may make you both realise you're happier apart? |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Stay on here until you find someone else and then dump her. That's what cunts do."
Yup, that's move 101 straight out of my ex's playbook.
Move 102 is to fleece as much out of them before you tell them to fuck off via email because you're too much of a coward to do it in person.
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"30 years together kids all grown up and we have been going through a tuff time, she loves me to bits but i have told her im not in love with her anymore, she wants me to give it time to see if i fall in love again but ive been like this for 2 years, how can i get her to let go or do i stay in a marrige and be unhapy?
Ive never met on here or cheated thought about it so much just not going to cause my wife any humiliation thats not in my nature"
30 years is a long time. My advise, for her sake, is to go to counselling and discuss things fully. If it can be saved that might reveal it to you, if it cannot, it will give her closure. She deserves that much respect. 
I can't believe how unkind some people on here are.  |
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"Thats my problem not going to humiliate her by cheating no one deserves that came on here thought i would get it out of my system but just cant do it"
I know nothing about your relationship and how it got to this point but the only way you will move it in any direction is by communication.
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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Well i have told her im not in love anymore and offered her the house and help carry on paying motgage im not a total arsehole like some of you think have tried our first holiday abroad to re kindle tried going out together more if i could just turn love on then i would at the moment we are still trying to work at it seems a shame to throw 30 years away but i just cant find the feelings |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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We've been married 30 years too and still love each other to bits. Can I ask is it just the excitement of sex that is boring so you want that excitement back or is it deeper . Grass is not always greener mate . Not an easy decision for you or your Mrs |
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"Well i have told her im not in love anymore and offered her the house and help carry on paying motgage im not a total arsehole like some of you think have tried our first holiday abroad to re kindle tried going out together more if i could just turn love on then i would at the moment we are still trying to work at it seems a shame to throw 30 years away but i just cant find the feelings"
I suggest Relate or some other form of relationship counselling, it will help you both. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Well i have told her im not in love anymore and offered her the house and help carry on paying motgage im not a total arsehole like some of you think have tried our first holiday abroad to re kindle tried going out together more if i could just turn love on then i would at the moment we are still trying to work at it seems a shame to throw 30 years away but i just cant find the feelings"
That's what my ex tried to do with me,only I was the one who didn't want him any more and he got everything. My relationship was also 30,I decided I'd given him enough of my life,it was time to have a life of my own. Yes,it broke his heart and he was devastated but I had no more will to carry on with him. Different circumstances with me but when it's gone,it's gone. If you are really certain it's over do it quickly. Just because you leave her it doesn't mean she has to take everything,you worked for it too. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Also I will say that although your desire not to humiliate your wife is honourable how do you think she would feel if she saw the title of this thread?"
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Walk away. Keep in touch but sparingly... and reduce it over time.
Let's her know you care, but are gone. "
Your not helping her by giving her false hope 
Unfortunately your not happy and the only way forward is the above advice ..
It's a horrible thing to go through, I've been there but it's best to let go.
Best of luck x |
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"30 years together kids all grown up and we have been going through a tuff time, she loves me to bits but i have told her im not in love with her anymore, she wants me to give it time to see if i fall in love again but ive been like this for 2 years, how can i get her to let go or do i stay in a marrige and be unhapy?
Ive never met on here or cheated thought about it so much just not going to cause my wife any humiliation thats not in my nature"
You DON'T get HER to let go. Only she can do that. You have had a very successful 30 years together. Thank her for the great times , the way she was a fantastic wife and mother, lover and your everything for that section of your life.
Then YOU take YOUR bollocks in your hands and YOU LET GO. You're the one keeping it going when you say you finish.
Go and face the world without your family and stop pretending you're protecting others by staying.
Good luck. |
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