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Jokes for today
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By *ottsguy44 OP Man
over a year ago
nottinghamshire |
One day a man came home from work to find his wife crying hysterically in the kitchen. "What's wrong, dearest?" asked the confused husband. "Oh darling," sobbed the wife, "I was cleaning little Suzie's room when I found whips, handcuffs and chains under her bed, along with a very erotic porn magazine! What ever are we going to do?" "Well," replied the man, "I guess a spanking is out of the question?"
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By *ty31Man
over a year ago
NW London |
Little girl comes running into the kitchen crying.
"Mummy, mummy I need some cider"
"What do you want cider for my dear, you are only eight years old" replies her mother
"I pricked my hand on a thorn bush" says the little girl
"But why do you want cider" asks mother
"Well" says the girl "my older sister says that when she gets a prick in her hand she can't wait to get it in cider"
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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A little girl comes home from school and says to her mum "the boys at school said that babies come out of the same hole that their willys go in. Is that right mum?"
"Yes dear, that's right" said mum.
"But isn't that going to break my teeth?" |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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A judge found himself presiding over a divorce suit brought by Mickey Mouse against Minnie Mouse. "Mr Mouse," explained the judge after reviewing the suit, "You can't divorce your wife just because you claim she is crazy." "I didn't say she was crazy," replied Mickey, "I said she was fuckin' Goofy!" |
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By *ottsguy44 OP Man
over a year ago
nottinghamshire |
During her annual checkup, the attractive woman was asked to disrobe and climb onto the examining table. “Doctor…” she replied shyly, “I feel uncomfortable undressing in front of you.” “All right,” said the physician, “I’ll flick off the lights. You undress and tell me when you’re done.” A few moments later her voice called out from the darkness, “Doctor, I’ve undressed. What should I do with all my clothes?” “Put them on the chair, on top of mine.” |
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By *ottsguy44 OP Man
over a year ago
nottinghamshire |
The teacher asked Jimmy, "Why is your cat at school today Jimmy?" Jimmy replied crying, "Because I heard my daddy tell my mommy, 'I am going to eat that p*ssy once Jimmy leaves for school today!'" |
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A nervous, cosseted young lady goes to the Doctors to ask for some sexual health advice.
"Doctor" she says "I am getting married tomorrow, I am a virgin and have no experience in sexual matters, could you answer a few questions for me?"
"A little unusual" says the Doctor "But go ahead"
"Well" the young lady asks "what is the man's pink member called?"
The doctor coughs and replies "The technical name is "Penis"
"And the bulbous purple lump at the top?" "Ah" says the doctor "It's called the Glans, or "Bell End"
"And the spherical objects about 12 inches below the Glans?" asks the woman, finally
"Blimey" says the Doctor, a flush on his cheeks "well, I hope for your sake, they're the cheeks of his arse!"
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My pal just returned from a months holiday in Korea.
Loved the place..stayed at a family run B&B...the home cooking was out of this world.
Speciality of the house was Meatballs.
Said it was the Dogs Bollocks. |
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By *ottsguy44 OP Man
over a year ago
nottinghamshire |
pensioners are enjoying oral sex together.
the old man says 'I can't stay down here for too long, it stinks!"
the old lady replies.. "sorry, its my arthritis."
the old man says "what, arthritis in your vagina??"
"no, you idiot!" replies the lady, "the arthritis is in my shoulder... I can't wipe my arse!!" |
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By *ottsguy44 OP Man
over a year ago
nottinghamshire |
Upon climax last night, I could tell, as usual, I'd left my girlfriend wanting more. I reached down and picked up a Flash Bathroom wipe from next to the bed and gently rubbed her clit with it.30 seconds later she'd had a massive orgasm and was laying sprawled out on the bed, panting. Flash - Does the hard work, so you don't have to!
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Lad runs into the kitchen and says to his dad "granny's got a prawn."
Dad looks confused and asks what the little fellah means. The lad repeats excitedly "granny's got a prawn."
So the dad asks his son to show him what he means.
The son leads him into the lounge where granny is asleep on the settee, her nightgown has fallen open below the waist.
"Look" says the lad pointing at granny's pussy "granny's got a prawn."
Ah says the father wisely, "that's not a prawn, it's a clitoris."
The lad up dissapointedly; "Ohhh. Well it tastes like a prawn......." |
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By *ty31Man
over a year ago
NW London |
There was a guy who got a viagra stuck in his Throat All he ended up with was a stiff neck
Viagra a bit dangerous though there have been a couple of fatalities
Then there was a man who took sixteen and his wife died
Another took twenty and died. It was a week before they could shut the coffin lid
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A duck walks into a bar and says have you got any bread, the bar tender says no
Next day the duck walks back into the bar and says have you got any bread, the bar tender says no
Next day the duck walks into the bar and says have you got any bread, the bar tender says no and if you ever come in here again asking for fucking bread again I will nail your fucking beak to the fucking bar
The duck says have you got any nails, the bar tender says NO !
So the duck says have you got any bread |
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By *ottsguy44 OP Man
over a year ago
nottinghamshire |
A man is about to jump off London Bridge when he hears a voice behind him. It's Santa Claus.
"Why do this? It's Christmas Eve?" Santa says.
"Because I've lost my job, " the man answe_ed, " my wife has left me, and I have no presents for the kids."
"Ah, I can grant you 3 wishes, " replied Santa, "So when you get up tomorrow your job will be there, your wife will be waiting for you, and there'll be presents for the children."
"Oh Santa - however can I repay you?" gasped the man.
"Well - not a lot of people know this, " came the reply, "But old Santa is gay, you could bend over for me, the elves aren't much good at it."
"Dunno 'bout that, " the man said.
"Oh, go on, " Santa urged, "After all - I granted you 3 wishes, don't be so ungrateful."
"Ok, " the man sighed, as he unzipped his trousers.
Santa did the biz and when he finished the man pulled his trousers back up.
Santa looks at the man and asks "How old are you?"
"47, " came the reply.
"What? And you still believe in Santa Claus?" |
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By *ottsguy44 OP Man
over a year ago
nottinghamshire |
Two Thai girls asked me if I'd like to go bed with them, they said it would be just like winning the lottery! I agreed, and they were right. We all stripped off and to my horror, we had six matching balls!
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By *ty31Man
over a year ago
NW London |
An Englishman, Irishman and Scottish man are sitting in a pub having a drink when an octopus walks in and announces that he will bet anyone £50 that he can play any musical instrument of anyone’s choosing.
“Right, have my guitar” says the Englishman. The octopus takes it and plays it better than Hendrix. The Englishman sadly hands over £50 and takes his pint back to his table.
“Alright, try the piano” says the Irishman. The octopus sits at the stool and plays it better than Elton. The Irishman sadly hands over £50 and takes his Guinness back to table.
“Aye laddie, but can ye play the bagpipes” says the Scottish man, handing the octopus a set. After ten minutes the octopus is rolling around the floor, wrestling with the pipes and not making a single note. “Right laddie, do ye give up” calls the Scottish Man. “Give Up!” cries the octopus, “Why I’m going to fuck her brains out when I get her pyjamas off!”
Why is Superman a crap shag? He’s faster than a speeding bullet!
What’s the difference between a ginger man and a brick? The brick has a chance of getting laid!
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A bloke was stopped by the police around 2am and was asked where he was going at that time of night.
"I'm on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as the dangers of smoking and staying out late." he replied.
The officer asked, "Really? And who's giving that lecture at this time of night?"
"That would be my wife." he said.
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An Irishman went into a chemist's shop and asked for a deodorant. "Do you want aerosol or roll-on ball?" the assistant asked. "Neither", said Paddy, "it's for under me arms"
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I've just been given some 007 Viagra.
Apparently it makes you roger more.
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Went to my Great Uncle's funeral yesterday. He died at Wimbledon after being hit on the head with a tennis ball.
It was a lovely service...
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A woman is on trial for beating her husband to death with his guitar collection. The judge asks 'First offender?'.
She says, 'No, first a Gibson, then a Fender'.
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Bilbo was surprised when he awoke one morning and found Tesco had built a store next to his house. It was an unexpected item in the Baggins area.
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Research scientists have succeeded in growing human vocal chords in a petri dish. The results speak for themselves.
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A restaurant manager was sacked today after an employee lost three fingers in an electric food mixer.
Apparently he had failed to do an adequate whisk assessment.
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My local cinema is putting on a showing of the latest Bond film exclusively for dyslexics.
Respect.
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Apparently levels of inbreeding around the world are decreasing, so it's time to up the auntie.
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A drum and a cymbal fell off a cliff...
Ba-dum... Tish...
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By *ty31Man
over a year ago
NW London |
Two French Virgins on their wedding night, not knowing what to do the wife phones her mother for advice.
“Just tell him to take the longest thing he has and stick it in the hairiest thing you have” replies the wise old lady.
A couple of minutes pass and the wife phones her mother again.
“Okay mama, he has his nose in my armpit, what should we do now?”
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"A bloke was stopped by the police around 2am and was asked where he was going at that time of night.
"I'm on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as the dangers of smoking and staying out late." he replied.
The officer asked, "Really? And who's giving that lecture at this time of night?"
"That would be my wife." he said.
.
.
.
An Irishman went into a chemist's shop and asked for a deodorant. "Do you want aerosol or roll-on ball?" the assistant asked. "Neither", said Paddy, "it's for under me arms"
.
.
.
I've just been given some 007 Viagra.
Apparently it makes you roger more.
.
.
.
Went to my Great Uncle's funeral yesterday. He died at Wimbledon after being hit on the head with a tennis ball.
It was a lovely service...
.
.
.
A woman is on trial for beating her husband to death with his guitar collection. The judge asks 'First offender?'.
She says, 'No, first a Gibson, then a Fender'.
.
.
.
Bilbo was surprised when he awoke one morning and found Tesco had built a store next to his house. It was an unexpected item in the Baggins area.
.
.
.
Research scientists have succeeded in growing human vocal chords in a petri dish. The results speak for themselves.
.
.
.
A restaurant manager was sacked today after an employee lost three fingers in an electric food mixer.
Apparently he had failed to do an adequate whisk assessment.
.
.
.
My local cinema is putting on a showing of the latest Bond film exclusively for dyslexics.
Respect.
.
.
.
Apparently levels of inbreeding around the world are decreasing, so it's time to up the auntie.
.
.
.
A drum and a cymbal fell off a cliff...
Ba-dum... Tish...
"
I'm stealing the bond one.
Cheers.  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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What do Essex girls use for protection during sex?
Bus shelters
- -
Why do women have orgasms?
It gives them another reason to moan ..
(nb I'm not *always* this sexist  ) |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"What do Essex girls use for protection during sex?
Bus shelters
- -
Why do women have orgasms?
It gives them another reason to moan ..
(nb I'm not *always* this sexist )"
 |
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By *eavenNhellCouple
over a year ago
carrbrook stalybridge |
Reminds me of the story about the guy who dropped a tub of low fat spread on his foot.
The doctor told him to rub some of the spread on it every day and to come back and visit him in a week.
A week later the guy visits the doctor again and says it still hurts.
"Oh," says the doctor. "I can't believe it's not better." |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"What do Essex girls use for protection during sex?
Bus shelters
- -
Why do women have orgasms?
It gives them another reason to moan ..
(nb I'm not *always* this sexist )
"
 |
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By *oddyWoman
over a year ago
between havant and chichester |
FIFTY SHADES OF GREY
The missus bought a Paperback,
down Shepton Mallet way,
I had a look inside her bag;...
T'was "Fifty Shades of Grey".
Well I just left her to it,
And at ten I went to bed.
An hour later she appea_ed;
The sight filled me with dread.
In her left hand she held a rope;
And in her right a whip!
She threw them down upon the floor,
And then began to strip.
Well fifty years or so ago;
I might have had a peek;
But Mabel hasn't weathe_ed well;
She's eighty four next week!!
Watching Mabel bump and grind;
Could not have been much grimmer.
And things then went from bad to worse;
She toppled off her Zimmer!
She struggled back upon her feet;
A couple minutes later;
She put her teeth back in and said
"I am a dominator!!"
Now if you knew our Mabel,
You'd see just why I splutte_ed,
I'd spent two months in traction
For the last complaint I'd utte_ed.
She stood there nude and naked
Bent forward just a bit
I went to hold her, sensual like
and stood on her left tit!
Mabel screamed, her teeth shot out;
My God what had I done!
She moaned and groaned then shouted out:
"Step on the other one!!"
Well readers, I can tell no more;
Of what occur_ed that day.
Suffice to say my jet black hair,
Turned fifty shades of grey!! |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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What do you call a bloke with leaves on his head? Russell.
What do you call a girl with slate on her head? Ruth.
What do you call an Indian standing on one leg? Balancing.
What's pink and hard? A pig with a flicknife.
What's white and wears checked trousers? Rupert the fridge.
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Police are looking for a man they are calling"the knitting needle nutter" the nutter has attacked 3 seperate people sneaking up behind them and stabbing them in the back with the knitting needle.
A police spokesman has said"we think there maybe a pattern emerging here" |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"What do Essex girls use for protection during sex?
Bus shelters
- -
Why do women have orgasms?
It gives them another reason to moan ..
(nb I'm not *always* this sexist )"
How does an Essex girl turn the light on after sex?
Opens the car door!
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Why are wash machines funny?
Because they take the piss out if knickers |
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By *ottsguy44 OP Man
over a year ago
nottinghamshire |
I was shocked to see my well fit divorced neighbour knocking on the door last night. "I'm so horny that I can't stand it." she said. "I want to go out, get d*unk and get a good hard fuck. Are you free tonight?" "fuckin right i am!" I replied enthusiastically. "Wonderful." she said. "Would you watch my kids?" |
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By *ottsguy44 OP Man
over a year ago
nottinghamshire |
A bloke is watching a film with creepy organ music on the TV and suddenly yells "Don't enter that church, you daft twat, its a trap!"
His wife asks him "What are you watching?"
Husband replies "Our wedding video." |
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By *ty31Man
over a year ago
NW London |
Man comes home from the chemist all excited, shouts up the stairs to his wife
"Honey I just bought some Olympic condoms- gold, silver and bronze. I'm going to wear the gold one like a champion!"
Wife calls back down from the bedroom
"Wear the silver one and let me come first for a change" |
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By *ty31Man
over a year ago
NW London |
As told to me by some New Zealander electricians;
What' an Aussie man's idea of foreplay?
"BRACE YERSELF SHEILA"
What do you call an intelligent Australian?
A Kiwi
What happens if the dumbest half of the Kiwi population moves to Australia?
You improve the average IQ of both countries. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Man tries,to get into a party
The doorman says. " Sorry mate it's fancy dress
The guy goes away. 10 minutes later he is back piggy backing a lady.
The doorman says ",Sorry mate it's,fancy dress
The guys,says,,"I am in fancy dress !!
Doorman says,",as what ?
Guy says. "A tortoise
Doorman says. Well who's that on yer back ?
Guys says,",it's Michelle |
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By *ottsguy44 OP Man
over a year ago
nottinghamshire |
Mr Cabury met Miss Rowntree on a Double Decker. It was After eight. They got off at quality street. He asked her name "Polo" I'm the one with a hole she said with a wispa. "I'm marathon the one with the nuts" he replied. He touched her creme eggs and slipped his hand into her snickers. He fondled her flap jacks and she rubbed his tic tacs. It was a fab moment as she screamed in turkish delight. Three days later his sherbet dib-dab started to itch. Turns out miss Rowntree had been with mr Bassett and he has all sorts. |
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