FabSwingers.com > Forums > The Lounge > should I try to change him?

should I try to change him?

By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

I've recently got back with my ex after 18 years apart. We were together 5 years and I loved him with all my heart and have never forgotten him and the love is just a strong now.

However, he was my first and I was sexually inexperienced then but now I don't find he fulfils me. He is quite small and has trouble staying hard due to medical problems. We've tried Viagra which didn't work so ive suggested other means of getting me off, IE. Toys, hands, tongue etc but he doesn't seem keen (I haven't told him the sex was disappointing). Should I carry on trying to convince him to satisfy me in other ways or accept it's not for him?

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By *dwalu2Couple over a year ago

Bristol

Not sure how you can get around that really, the relationship sounds doomed top failure. Unless he is open to you finding your satisfaction elsewhere.

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

"Not sure how you can get around that really, the relationship sounds doomed top failure. Unless he is open to you finding your satisfaction elsewhere."

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

I'd guess maybe he's worried that the toys etc would be the focus of your attention not him.

I that he's useless etc, try making it clear to him that it's him using them/being with you that's what's important not the tools used to do it

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

It's a difficult one this, on the one hand this chap sounds like the love of your life, but on the other if he's not fulfilling all your needs then the relationship is likely to fail.

I'd say be honest with him but tact is key, no man is going to like to hear he's pants in bed.

Does he have a weak libedo, I know you said he struggles to stay hard, could it be that he doesn't have strong sexual feelings. This would explain why he isn't keen on trying alternate methods of bringing you off.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"Not sure how you can get around that really, the relationship sounds doomed top failure. Unless he is open to you finding your satisfaction elsewhere.

I have questioned how important sex is to me and if I can live without him again. The answer is I don't know, on one hand I feel he's more important to me than sex on the other I am a very sexual person and don't want an unsatisfying sex life for the rest of my days! "
...Difficult one hun....Does he know you are on Fab ?...Is it possible you could include him in your Fab time and so fulfil your needs and who know maybe it will also do something for his?....I hope you find the right solutions for both of you...

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By *xyzptlk088Man over a year ago

Galway

If you guys truly love each other then ,aybe the mental stimuli part of your relationship can be fulfilling enough to see you through,as you are on here you can obviously have your sexual thirst quenched from here.Seems silly saying this on a swingers site but sex is not the be all and end all of everything remember a good companion trumps a quick fuck.

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

"Not sure how you can get around that really, the relationship sounds doomed top failure. Unless he is open to you finding your satisfaction elsewhere.

I have questioned how important sex is to me and if I can live without him again. The answer is I don't know, on one hand I feel he's more important to me than sex on the other I am a very sexual person and don't want an unsatisfying sex life for the rest of my days! ...Difficult one hun....Does he know you are on Fab ?...Is it possible you could include him in your Fab time and so fulfil your needs and who know maybe it will also do something for his?....I hope you find the right solutions for both of you...

I haven't yet told him about my sexual exploits over the last 18 years, I've tried but he doesn't seem interested. I had intimated things I like and want to try to see his reaction. I wanted to tell him about fab see if we can include others but I'm scared he'll be disgusted with me!

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Getting back with ex partners in my opinion never works out .The same things are there that made you split up in the first place .If not sexually happy it's a big deal if you have a high sex drive and miss the sex you want .

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By *empting Devil.Woman over a year ago

Sheffield

If he really loves you then he will want to please you.

Imbalance in sexual drive can destroy relationships and it's a slow lingering death with lots of resentment and the potential for straying (just look at how many marrieds are on here looking for the sex they're not getting in their otherwise perfect marriages).

It could be that unresolved issues about his lack of sexual capability is making him blinkered to your needs. He may also think that because of the deep feelings you still hold that you will make allowances and sacrifice your needs for him.

If it is either of those he may not even consciously realise this.

Consider getting some specialist help perhaps from relate. Sublimating your needs is not good or healthy, even more so when he doesn't even recognise that you have them.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"Not sure how you can get around that really, the relationship sounds doomed top failure. Unless he is open to you finding your satisfaction elsewhere.

I have questioned how important sex is to me and if I can live without him again. The answer is I don't know, on one hand I feel he's more important to me than sex on the other I am a very sexual person and don't want an unsatisfying sex life for the rest of my days! ...Difficult one hun....Does he know you are on Fab ?...Is it possible you could include him in your Fab time and so fulfil your needs and who know maybe it will also do something for his?....I hope you find the right solutions for both of you...

Oh dear you do need to approach this with care xx

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"Not sure how you can get around that really, the relationship sounds doomed top failure. Unless he is open to you finding your satisfaction elsewhere.

I think you know the answer really. But good luck anyway x

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

"If you guys truly love each other then ,aybe the mental stimuli part of your relationship can be fulfilling enough to see you through,as you are on here you can obviously have your sexual thirst quenched from here.Seems silly saying this on a swingers site but sex is not the be all and end all of everything remember a good companion trumps a quick fuck."

The mental stimulation is very strong at the minute, I can gush just from kissing him, I worried if I can sustain that feeling though.

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

"Not sure how you can get around that really, the relationship sounds doomed top failure. Unless he is open to you finding your satisfaction elsewhere.

I think you know the answer really. But good luck anyway x"

I think I do too.... What's the best toy ATM and hide it from him

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By *empting Devil.Woman over a year ago

Sheffield

"Not sure how you can get around that really, the relationship sounds doomed top failure. Unless he is open to you finding your satisfaction elsewhere.

I have questioned how important sex is to me and if I can live without him again. The answer is I don't know, on one hand I feel he's more important to me than sex on the other I am a very sexual person and don't want an unsatisfying sex life for the rest of my days! ...Difficult one hun....Does he know you are on Fab ?...Is it possible you could include him in your Fab time and so fulfil your needs and who know maybe it will also do something for his?....I hope you find the right solutions for both of you...

I suspect that he's not interested because of his issues. He's doing the equivalent of putting his fingers in his ears and singing "la la la I can't hear you".

For him you may be a woman he loves but part of that is that you may be a woman who is prepared to accept him with these impotency issues and not demand or push.

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

"If he really loves you then he will want to please you.

If it is either of those he may not even consciously realise this.

Consider getting some specialist help perhaps from relate. Sublimating your needs is not good or healthy, even more so when he doesn't even recognise that you have them."

Thanks x

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

No.

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By *empting Devil.Woman over a year ago

Sheffield

"Not sure how you can get around that really, the relationship sounds doomed top failure. Unless he is open to you finding your satisfaction elsewhere.

I think you know the answer really. But good luck anyway x

I think I do too.... What's the best toy ATM and hide it from him

Starting a relationship by hiding things - that doesn't bode well.

If he's not even prepared to watch you play with yourself as part of your sex life then this is going to go badly.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"If he really loves you then he will want to please you.

If it is either of those he may not even consciously realise this.

Consider getting some specialist help perhaps from relate. Sublimating your needs is not good or healthy, even more so when he doesn't even recognise that you have them."

This answer is great.

In my opinion, I could go without sex for the rest of my life if Marc could no longwe perform. At the same time, I know he wouldn't ask me to.

If sex is important to you, and thongs in your relationship stay as they are, you might as well pack up now.

-Courtney

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

"It's a difficult one this, on the one hand this chap sounds like the love of your life, but on the other if he's not fulfilling all your needs then the relationship is likely to fail.

I'd say be honest with him but tact is key, no man is going to like to hear he's pants in bed.

he's just not adventurous, never was but at 16, 17, 18 I accepted that, even though I felt differently, but never having tried other thing I didn't know what I was missing, now I do!

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Only you can answer that. Can you live without sex often? Do you love him more than sex? Would you carry on with fab which is seen as cheating to some if u r in a relationship. Could you bare to hurt him if he found out you was getting it elsewhere. You need to sit him down and have a good talk. Communication is the key in any relationship. Xx

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

"Not sure how you can get around that really, the relationship sounds doomed top failure. Unless he is open to you finding your satisfaction elsewhere.

I think you know the answer really. But good luck anyway x

I think I do too.... What's the best toy ATM and hide it from him

Starting a relationship by hiding things - that doesn't bode well.

If he's not even prepared to watch you play with yourself as part of your sex life then this is going to go badly."

I've not hidden anything from him, unless you mean I've not told him how I feel about this. TBH that's only coz I don't want to hurt his feelings, he's very sensitive about everything. I know it may not be the best place to ask but was hoping for some insightful advice, which some of it has been.

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

"Only you can answer that. Can you live without sex often? Do you love him more than sex? Would you carry on with fab which is seen as cheating to some if u r in a relationship. Could you bare to hurt him if he found out you was getting it elsewhere. You need to sit him down and have a good talk. Communication is the key in any relationship. Xx"

I would never sleep with anyone behind his back

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Tbh you're arguing again tmost posts so I think it's clear that you have stronger reservations than you want to admit and it's probably best you both part ways for both your sakes

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Tempted to say don't accept anything that doesn't make you happy but i get how sacrifice works in relationships.

How about toys that would keep him hard? Like cock rings, sleeves, pumps?

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

I wonder if a single man posted similar issues would people's responses be as understanding?

First thing I suggest is change your profile to in a relationship,or hide it.imagine how his sexual hang ups would escalate if he found out you were on here looking for other sexual adventures?

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

I would never sleep with anyone behind his back"
that's what I'm saying. Which is more important to you. Sex or love? Can u cope with a lesser sex life xx

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Do you satisfy him sexually? Are you focusing solely on your own satisfaction and putting pressure on him? I have a regular partner who is below average in the penis department. We have a lot of satisfying sex and time together.

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

"Getting back with ex partners in my opinion never works out .The same things are there that made you split up in the first place .If not sexually happy it's a big deal if you have a high sex drive and miss the sex you want ."

Maybe.... The reason I left was because I he didn't want marriage, kids etc, we were young but I didn't want to carry on a relationship that I saw no future in. Obviously, we are a lot older now.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Make him cuck....

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By *entleman and SassyPussCouple over a year ago

carry on as you are on here without his knowledge

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

"Do you satisfy him sexually? Are you focusing solely on your own satisfaction and putting pressure on him? I have a regular partner who is below average in the penis department. We have a lot of satisfying sex and time together. "

Of course not I do everything for him, in honesty he's quite selfish that way, happy for me to do all the work, he cums and I'm left wanting more.

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

"Make him cuck....

I did think that lol

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By *irtyGirlWoman over a year ago

Edinburgh

I don't know the answer to this but I do know that anything cock related will be making him feel incomplete on a level that as a woman, you will never understand the extent of.

There's something about issues in that department that will likely be making him feel like he's not a man. You need to tread very carefully because those medical issues will also be psychological for him. Throwing a giant piece of plastic at him as a substitute will most likely damage him further so be kind and work through it gently.

If you love him then put the sex stuff to one side for a moment and consider just how much you love him. Enough to take some time out and help him through his problems? Sex is not everything and while I do believe it's important, it can be put aside until you work things out.

Someone being small in that department is not the end of the world. It being broken, for him, may indeed feel like the end of his world.

It's not all about you. There are two of you in the relationship and if you're not communicating together then his medical issues are the least of your problems.

Sorry if that sounds a bit harsh but how would he feel if he read this? I know it's good to get advice when you're struggling with something but really, from what you've said, you appear only to be considering how you feel.

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By *xyzptlk088Man over a year ago

Galway

The mental stimulation is very strong at the minute, I can gush just from kissing him, I worried if I can sustain that feeling though. "
In a disposable society like we live in right now people find it easier to throw away something "broken" than to mend it,if you see a serious future with this guy then you need to look at the long term implications,will you regret "throwing" him away in the future if indeed you do so and would you miss having his companionship years down the line? I have been single for years now and as fun as it is to have a one night stand etc sometimes all I want is to be lying beside someone watching a shit movie and just relaxing with good company.

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By *ELLONS AND CREAMWoman over a year ago

stourbridge area

Sounds like u have doubts OP..

did he satisfy you the last time you had a relationship with him .... why did u split before ... are there similarities .... only you can decide ...

Lifes too short to make the same mistake twice ...

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Difficult one, I would kick against someone trying change me, but that's my personality.

Gentle encouragement maybe, but I think your looking for small changes over long time.

You both have to want the same eventually.

Overnight expectations may have the reverse effect.

Hope it works out for you.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

I don't know your relationship but it sounds like you need to force him into a frank and open discussion. Less about him more about you exploring as a couple if sex is important to you it won't go away no matter how much you love him. That's why us marrisds are here... Give him time to reflect though make some suggestions and see where it goes

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By *entleman and SassyPussCouple over a year ago

love how everyone is sympathetic to women on fab whilst they have fellas that don't know they are on here.

Men get grief over it. Madness.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"It's a difficult one this, on the one hand this chap sounds like the love of your life, but on the other if he's not fulfilling all your needs then the relationship is likely to fail.

I'd say be honest with him but tact is key, no man is going to like to hear he's pants in bed.

he's just not adventurous, never was but at 16, 17, 18 I accepted that, even though I felt differently, but never having tried other thing I didn't know what I was missing, now I do! "

If there IS a bad thing about fab for us singles - that has to be it! Many of us find far better sex on here than we ever did in the real world - and it can be difficult to leave behind!

You've had some Excellent advice on here so there's little I can add - except that if you're not honest - about your sex drive, your time/friends on fab etc - then I can only see these things eating away at you and destroying the relationship anyway! Without honesty and compromise I really don't see how you have a chance of a long term, happy, successful relationship!

Good luck lovely! Xx

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By *empting Devil.Woman over a year ago

Sheffield

"Not sure how you can get around that really, the relationship sounds doomed top failure. Unless he is open to you finding your satisfaction elsewhere.

I think you know the answer really. But good luck anyway x

I think I do too.... What's the best toy ATM and hide it from him

Starting a relationship by hiding things - that doesn't bode well.

If he's not even prepared to watch you play with yourself as part of your sex life then this is going to go badly.

He's very sensitive about everything... Everything to do with his impotency issues. You are entitled to be just as sensitive about having needs. You're clearly not asking or expecting him to turn into some kind of sexual athlete but if this relationship is going to work you need to be able to express your needs and try to find a solution just as he has done with you.

Women often bend around the wants and needs of the men in their life. But a loving relationship should be equal. And a loving relationship should be one in which you can broach these subjects.

There are ways to live in a loving and satisfying relationship which does not include traditional sex due to health/medical reasons. But none of those ways involve only one person being heard or dealt with.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

When you are with someone you truly love , the last thing you should want to do is change the person you are in love with .

If there is a huge issue , as there is here - either accept that and deal with it , or question whether you really love him as much as you think you do .

Only you know what the best thing to do is here. And if I'm honest I feel very sorry for him .

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

Thanks for all the great advice, not been in here for months because of the same repetitive shite, but I actually think things are a little clearer now. Got to go now but will check back later to see if there are any more pearls of wisdom. Thanks again x

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By *empting Devil.Woman over a year ago

Sheffield

"When you are with someone you truly love , the last thing you should want to do is change the person you are in love with .

If there is a huge issue , as there is here - either accept that and deal with it , or question whether you really love him as much as you think you do .

Only you know what the best thing to do is here. And if I'm honest I feel very sorry for him ."

On the one hand I feel sorry for him because I understand what it's like to have sexual ability affected by medical issues.

On the other hand he is getting sex with an understanding, caring partner who is putting all the work in and ensuring that he cums. His partner is not getting anywhere near the same care or understanding.

Yes this is very emotive for men, yes just the word impotence knocks something deep in their psyche and identity as a man. But if he really wants to be with the OP then he really needs to learn how to care for her sexually in the same way she does for him.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Of course not I do everything for him, in honesty he's quite selfish that way, happy for me to do all the work, he cums and I'm left wanting more. "
your making a rod for your own back doing this I should know I did it for 13 years in the end I left miserable and feeling worthless and as if I only deserved what he gave me

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"Not sure how you can get around that really, the relationship sounds doomed top failure. Unless he is open to you finding your satisfaction elsewhere.

I think you know the answer really. But good luck anyway x

I think I do too.... What's the best toy ATM and hide it from him

Not sure it's a great answer. But I've have tried those remote controlled love eggs on a lady on a night out and she very much enjoyed the sex later

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By *aneandpaulCouple over a year ago

cleveleys

Paul struggles a bit at time,s but watching me with another guy helps him a lot has no problem Jane

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

I personally wouldn't embark on a relationship that is this much hard work early on.

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By *oodmessMan over a year ago

yumsville

As you haven't been in a relationship with him for 18 years, then you haven't had 18 years of relationship roles that you need to change. He is essentially a new person with old memories. So asking if you should change him is a bit spurious. Either you address the problems early or your dont. He has a medical problem and you and he are probably sensitive to that. I doubt anyone on the internet can divide out your relationship - it is either a good one or a crap one.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"love how everyone is sympathetic to women on fab whilst they have fellas that don't know they are on here.

Men get grief over it. Madness."

I've given advice to men who want to save their relationships, never mention the fact that they've cheated on their partner either.

Don't even care what they've done, if they want advice i'll offer it them.

Don't think it helps where men hint about not getting sex on here and then wanna get back with their partner they've cheated on, some even want to introduce them to swinging as well so they can get sex with someone else. Smacks of pure selfishness/abuse and i do feel sorry for their partner, i never offer these men advice and don't think they deserve a wife or girlfriend.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

How did you manage to reconcile after 18 years?

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

"When you are with someone you truly love , the last thing you should want to do is change the person you are in love with .

If there is a huge issue , as there is here - either accept that and deal with it , or question whether you really love him as much as you think you do .

Only you know what the best thing to do is here. And if I'm honest I feel very sorry for him .

On the one hand I feel sorry for him because I understand what it's like to have sexual ability affected by medical issues.

It does effect me too I feel is it my fault am I not sexy enough etc... Then feel guilty for making it about me and feel like a bad person..

Just to clarify he's not totally impotent just has problems getting and staying hard.

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

"How did you manage to reconcile after 18 years? "

I text him once a year to wish him Happy Birthday, the text continued this year.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"How did you manage to reconcile after 18 years?

I text him once a year to wish him Happy Birthday, the text continued this year."

Just wondering if my ex and I would ever reconcile, been almost 6 years but have a child and he annoys the crap out of me but always had amazing sex, plus would be nice for my child to have mam and dad together.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

If the sex is rubbish, I'd say it's time to.end it.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

It's hard to say as we don't know everything in your relationship but...

"If he really loves you then he will want to please you.

If it is either of those he may not even consciously realise this.

Consider getting some specialist help perhaps from relate. Sublimating your needs is not good or healthy, even more so when he doesn't even recognise that you have them."

...Is pretty much spot on.

Try and iron out any kinks early but fully expect him to have a few things he'd like to change too.

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

"It's hard to say as we don't know everything in your relationship but...

If he really loves you then he will want to please you.

If it is either of those he may not even consciously realise this.

Consider getting some specialist help perhaps from relate. Sublimating your needs is not good or healthy, even more so when he doesn't even recognise that you have them.

...Is pretty much spot on.

Try and iron out any kinks early but fully expect him to have a few things he'd like to change too."

God yes, especially sexually I've asked him to tell me all his desires and fantasies and I will help to fulfill them

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"God yes, especially sexually I've asked him to tell me all his desires and fantasies and I will help to fulfill them "

Judging by what you've said I doubt that is a priority for him.

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By *oodmessMan over a year ago

yumsville

but he cant sustain - so .... what is the point in asking him that?

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"I've recently got back with my ex after 18 years apart. We were together 5 years and I loved him with all my heart and have never forgotten him and the love is just a strong now.

Viagra is not the only medical treatment available. His lack of interest in other forms of sex no doubt stems from him thinking that intercourse is the be all and end all. It sounds like he's hung up on his size and erection problems. He needs reassurance that it certainly isn't the case and you in no way see this as a failure on his part. Getting the erectile dysfunction sorted will be a massive mental step forward for him.

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By *ethnmelvCouple over a year ago

Cardiff

"How did you manage to reconcile after 18 years?

I text him once a year to wish him Happy Birthday, the text continued this year."

It is both very romantic & has an element of tragedy. It sounds like you have developed a lot as an individual over the 18 years, but perhaps your partner hasn't made the same strides.

Clearly you both have strong feelings for each other and that is lovely to hear. With regard to your libido's and sex, I think as a couple of others have said, amend your profile - assume you will show it to him, so think about what it will look like to him. This isn't about lieing to him, just avoiding him jumping to conclusions and letting you tell him what you are comfortable in sharing.

Ultimately you both have to be honest with each other about what you both want. It sounds like you want to be, from your posts he seems somewhat reluctant. Maybe organise a romantic evening or weekend, and spend some time talking about the past, and your desires - both sides.

It may be that once you have both been open it is reconcilable, but it may not be. The important thing is to honest with each other about what matters to both of you.

You are clearly in a difficult position, I wish you the best of luck and hope that you can resolve this, and both get what you want and need.

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

"I've recently got back with my ex after 18 years apart. We were together 5 years and I loved him with all my heart and have never forgotten him and the love is just a strong now.

He doesn't think there is a problem

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

"but he cant sustain - so .... what is the point in asking him that? "

I'm not just asking about intercourse and also I was hoping it may help him

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By *empting Devil.Woman over a year ago

Sheffield

"I've recently got back with my ex after 18 years apart. We were together 5 years and I loved him with all my heart and have never forgotten him and the love is just a strong now.

He doesn't think there is a problem "

Which is the problem. He's not going to try to fix something if he doesn't believe anything needs fixing.

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

"I've recently got back with my ex after 18 years apart. We were together 5 years and I loved him with all my heart and have never forgotten him and the love is just a strong now.

He doesn't think there is a problem

Which is the problem. He's not going to try to fix something if he doesn't believe anything needs fixing."

I know hence my question, should I try and encourage other things or accept him as is?

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Try looking at it from a different angle. If your best friend asked you the same question, what advice would you give?

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By *uriousTwosomeCouple over a year ago

Manchester

If it's a medical issue, he'll avoid the topic rather than risk failure

It'll be a tough job for you to overcome his shortcomings or lack of efforts

That said, I'd rather be old and sexless with someone who makes me happy than just slagging for sake of it

As for your toys; don't hide them, use them with him, and get to the GP for help... failing that how would he/you feel about exploring your bi side? Different gender ain't cheating (is it?)

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By *unkydesignCouple over a year ago

Manchester

Possibly an assumption, just by what you've said on here... He doesn't see it as a problem/he lets you do all the work, cums and rolls over/isn't interested in your needs/doesn't wish to perform oral on you etc etc... but he seems like a selfish pig. In which case, you deserve better.

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By *uzy444Woman over a year ago

in the suffolk countryside

youve changed, he hasnt.. dont fall in love with the past idealor a potential.. look at the facts and fall in love for your present, and your future...

a suggestion xx

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