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Rant

  

By *G Lana OP   TV/TS  over a year ago

Gosport

Being stuck in bed with a stinking cold does have some benefits such as spending sometime going through the albums on the media server. Whilst doing so I found my Pandora's Box album and the weird spoken track The Want Ad. Anyway the tracks lyrics might have been written as a particularly ranting profile update.

"This is addressed to all the people who answered or may be thinking of answering

The personal ad I placed in volume 2, number 15 of this newspaper two weeks ago Friday

First: my apologies to the huge bartender with the voice and the light-hearted, dark-skinned advertising man

If either of you had called me back, I might not be writing this retraction of my ad

Even though I will soon be too busy to date much, but why didn't you call back?

But to the others...

Which include the two terrifying sisters

The under 18's and the over 60's

The numerous ones who dialed my number and hung up as soon as I said "hello"

The 35 or 40 of you who made dates with me and never showed up

Including the one who complained his body was so powerful he couldn't control it anymore

The desperate wife-seekers, the already married

The one who was so one-sided that he could think of nothing but sex

And then have the gall to ask me if his nationality was the reason I wouldn't sleep with him

The many who couldn't get it up when I was agreeable and the many who could and did when I was not

The pleasant young foreigner who turned out to be the private property of his gigantic girlfriend

The ones who were so grotesque in their appearance

That I couldn't possibly get past their faces to even consider a relationship with them, especially sexual

The sharks, and the geeks, and the sadists, the latter category which I had specifically stated I didn't want

And the ones who wanted endless dirty talk, the ones who wanted to be punished

The ones who could only boast about the size of their bank-rolls and/or their equipment

And this definitely includes the teacher who said: "All the kids want my stuff"

The businessman who had an adjective for every letter of his last name: "R is for rich"

The ones, and there were many, who said: "my name is so and so, and so how far do you go"

The 300 pound lady judge who screamed abuse at me

The transvestite who wanted me to support him

The numerous young studs who had nothing to offer besides the negative results of their goddamn blood tests

The diminutive actor and the other short ones

The astronomer who cried like a baby and said he'd been betrayed by every star he ever knew

The fanatic priest who wanted me to confess to things I'd never even dreamed of

The worn out soldiers, the burned out poets, the pumped up jocks and the used up kids

The racists, including the one at whose place I left my white sweater

And I'd rather cut off my right thumb than go back for it

The d*unks, junkies, crack and -heads, the multitude of liars

And especially the nice ones who never called back!

To all of you I say:

Just forget my phone number

I don't need all the hassles

I'll be starting school next month and I just don't want to be bothered

Don't hold your breath, any of you

Sincerely

The underweight platinum blonde

Have a nice day"

By the way if you like the Meatloaf style of rock then you may want to check out the Pandora's Box.

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