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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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I have a very good friend who has been clear of bowel cancer for two years, which is great. Unfortunately for her it's left her with a permanent colostomy bag, which of course she is very self conscious about. Her relationship has recently broken down and she's started online dating but is scared of how men will react when they know or see it. I'm trying to reassure her but it's hard to find the right words without sounding like I'm patronising her or belittling her concerns. Has anyone had any experience with this and can you offer any advice? Also guys, would this bother you or put you off meeting her?
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Very sensitive subject indeed.
It certainly wouldn't be something I would be so shallow to object to. To me, that would be like not wanting to date someone because they had had a hearing aid or a knee brace. That would be a sickening way to treat or "think" toward another person, and I should think most people would feel the same |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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This is a tricky question!
I think once a guy knows the circumstances it wouldn't be that much of a big deal but the question remains when do u spill the beans.
I'd probably advise her that if she's in a situation were she thinks there's a chance of intercourse to slowly bring of the subject of the cancer, if that's going well, reference the bag. If the guy doesn't want to after that story. She's probably better off without him anyway  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I have the same situation with a friend of mine, she has been clear for 2 years but is refusing to date because she thinks men will find her stoma unattractive and off putting.
Her stoma nurse has been amazing and has had another patient, who has regained her sex life despite her bag, come and talk to her and reassure her.
My friend felt that only someone who is/was in her position could truly understand so this helped a lot. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I think with the right person it won't be a problem. I know as far as Paul is concerned if he liked the girl that would be the important thing.
I will say talk to your friend about enquiring about a cap. These days you don't need to wear a bag and can use a cap and irrigate the colostomy so that it acts when the user wants it to act rather than have a bag on. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"I think with the right person it won't be a problem. I know as far as Paul is concerned if he liked the girl that would be the important thing.
I will say talk to your friend about enquiring about a cap. These days you don't need to wear a bag and can use a cap and irrigate the colostomy so that it acts when the user wants it to act rather than have a bag on. "
She has to have a hernia fixed before she can have that, she should be having that done soon though which should make things a little easier for her x |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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A friend lost his leg years ago in an accident and years later a husband of a close friend of his, lost his leg due to cancer, the husband was having such a hard time coming to terms with it, his close friend turned to him and said 'can you come and talk to him' he did and started to move forward.
I know it's not the same but talking to others in that situation will help loads, I hope your friend gets back on the horse and finds the perfect guy x |
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I can't offer any words of advice. I can only say that I don't think it would worry me. It's certainly not something sheshoukd be ashamed of IMHO.
If I met someone with a colostomy bag - would I adapt what I'd do? Of course - but then that's how I treat everyone I meet - it has to work for both of us. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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mad as this might sound we have talked about this at home - not so much if the sexual side but the emotional side - i have a daughter with chrohns and is therefore higher risk of bowel cancer or problems that may require a stoma in the future - i think a simple outfit would cover it up if confidence was a problem and talking about it for sure has to be part of it - be up front early on and those that its a problem for will not go any further - but i think most will be fine once they realise its all secure etc - |
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By *arry247Couple
over a year ago
Wakefield |
This is a common problem for many who have a colostomy bag but it is something that can be minimised.
The problem may be broken into two parts the mental and the physical.
The mental problems are more easily overcome by those in a relationship as once the stoma and colostomy bag are accepted it is easier ignore it during sex.
Obviously if your friend is not in a relationship each new meet will bring a natural level of awkwardness.
The physical part is relatively easy to overcome, though there can still be a few problems due to there being little or no control over when the bag is filled.
However apart from that the following tips may help.
Empty the bag before a meet and if needed during the meet, the bag may also be folded and taped down before the meet. It is also advisable to wear a cotton cover over the bag as this stops it rubbing against the skin of both partners and if the bag is transparent hides the content.
The lady may also wear a short nightie or similar and men could wear wrap or cummerbund around his midsection.
It is also wise not to eat foods that create odors/gas before a meet as the gas will inflate the bag.
Obviously I have to be very brief here but there are many sites on the web that can help
Search using “colostomy bag and sex” or similar phrases.
B had a colostomy bag for about 2 years a number of years ago and we enjoyed sex and meets during that time.
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By *arry247Couple
over a year ago
Wakefield |
I should have said the Colostomy Association have a 24 hour helpline at 0800 328 4257 and they can put your friend in touch with advisors.
The Colostomy Association has volunteers who specialise in discussing in detail how to proceed with the sexual act to the benefit of both partners.
Your friend can call the Association in complete confidence and they will put you in contact with a volunteer.
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