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Childfree by choice
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By *agan_Pair OP Couple
over a year ago
portchester |
We have made a decision to not have a child in our lives. We have spoken about it and feel it would be the end of our marriage if we had a kid. This decision has been met by some hostility in some places mostly by people claiming our decision is selfish. We were wondering on people's _iews here. Were not looking to change our minds just for friendly debate |
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Your decision is the opposite of selfish. There's no obligation on anyone to have a kid, and if you don't want to then having one would be bad for it and you.
People can be so horribly judgemental. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Not sure how friendly the debate will be. Isn't it slightly rubbing it in the face of people who can't have kids for whatever reason. I can't have kids for health reasons so this slightly rubs me up the wrong way |
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When I moved to Brighton, I lived in a house with 4 other people. Only I have had kids. They chose not to. Or couldn't. No matter how big their house, how cool their car or how exotic their holidays are - I've got something they can never have. And for that I'm grateful. I have never, ever considered them to be selfish for not having kids. |
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I honestly cannot see what business it is of anyone else's, you as a couple have chosen not to have children.
I had a child my sister didn't our lives have been completly different, for me infeel being a mother made me complete, but I know that isn't the case for everyone.
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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You have my sympathy. Dont be pushed into doing what other people want. My son and his wife made the same decision and it is the right one for them.
As someone who did not want kids but was 'talked into it' I know how hard it is to stick by your decision in the face of well meant criticism. I have children and I love them dearly but it has not been the life I imagined for myself before they came along. |
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We've just found out we're expecting our second, before we started dating we'd both talked about how many kids we wanted, and we matched on two! If we didn't agree on things, or speak about it until later on that would be selfish on our behalf..
How anyone can say you're selfish on a joint decision are delusional
delusional!
It is a pain in the arse when society expects everyone to conform and be identical! Well done on sticking to your desires and tell anyone who disagrees to respectfully mind their own business! |
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"We have made a decision to not have a child in our lives. We have spoken about it and feel it would be the end of our marriage if we had a kid. This decision has been met by some hostility in some places mostly by people claiming our decision is selfish. We were wondering on people's _iews here. Were not looking to change our minds just for friendly debate"
Strange isn't it that people think it would be better for two people who don't want children to have them than not. I'll never understand people  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Why is it selfish ... And I do not see why it is rubbing it in the face of those that can't.
I think more selfish is having a child you don't really want. It is a.personal choice and one that people should respect. if I had not had my first child I would not have had children x |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Your choice and you shouldn't be pressurised or criticised for it. Can be tricky for people who might not know you well as to whether you couldn't have children. That can be awkward. Your life you live it as you see best. |
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"Not sure how friendly the debate will be. Isn't it slightly rubbing it in the face of people who can't have kids for whatever reason. I can't have kids for health reasons so this slightly rubs me up the wrong way "
I don't feel like that.
I think you have to make your own choices in life. I don't think having children just because you can is a good enough reason. If you've discussed it and decided between you that you don't want to have kids then that's all that matters. You shouldn't have to justify it or explain it to anyone else. |
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"Not sure how friendly the debate will be. Isn't it slightly rubbing it in the face of people who can't have kids for whatever reason. I can't have kids for health reasons so this slightly rubs me up the wrong way "
I've not been blessed with children and it weighs very heavy on me  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Everyone is the owner of their own lives, be it childless or full of little feet. Well done you for being able to make that decision. What gets me are the people who have child after child yet keep having them taken off them. I was told at 16 I'd have difficulties having children so put in my head I didn't want any anyways. Ended up pregnant with our son and can't remember what life was like without him and planning number 2! As others he said each to their own. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I love my son's more than life itself but If I was to rewind I'm not sure id do it all again.
Everyone is entitled to choice so if that's what makes you feel happiest it's no one elses business.
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"If you've discussed it and decided between you that you don't want to have kids then that's all that matters. You shouldn't have to justify it or explain it to anyone else. "
Agree totally with this too  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"We have made a decision to not have a child in our lives. We have spoken about it and feel it would be the end of our marriage if we had a kid. This decision has been met by some hostility in some places mostly by people claiming our decision is selfish. We were wondering on people's _iews here. Were not looking to change our minds just for friendly debate"
How is it selfish? |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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We're all selfish, whether we choose to have children or not. We all make these decisions for our own benefit, not anyone else's, and that's the way it should be. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Having children is the selfish act, selfish is always perceived as a negative word but not meant negatively in this instance.
People choose to have children because they want them, for their own reasons, reasons of the self.....
I have 2...because I wanted kids, I enjoy seeing them grow, guiding and shaping the adults they will become.
Passing on the lessons I've learnt the hard way, they make sense out of my mistakes.
This isn't for everyone as all said and done they are damn hard work at times and bloody expensive!
You have every right to make and live a life that you choose and sod what anyone else thinks! |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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What if they accidently got pregnant ? It does happen despite precautions being taken. Then what? What if one does change their mind about not having kids and does want it? Are you really saying the marriage would end because of it. Seems rather an over the top reaction |
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By *icketysplitsWoman
over a year ago
Way over Yonder, that's where I'm bound |
"Not sure how friendly the debate will be. Isn't it slightly rubbing it in the face of people who can't have kids for whatever reason. I can't have kids for health reasons so this slightly rubs me up the wrong way "
I didn't manage to have a child that lived, had numerous miscarriages and know how much it hurts.
The OPs' stance doesn't feel like rubbing anything in as it's a sensible choice for them.
The one's that rub me up the wrong way are people who have children almost as a pastime and then treat them badly, ignore them or abandon them. I'd much rather some decides children aren't right for them before having them.
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"People can be very militant about having kids. They seem to think it's a human right as opposed to a natural occurrence.
That is a result of something called religion.... "
Interesting... I think it's more to do with a Western 'want' culture. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Not sure how friendly the debate will be. Isn't it slightly rubbing it in the face of people who can't have kids for whatever reason. I can't have kids for health reasons so this slightly rubs me up the wrong way "
I don't see why someone elses decision not to have children would affect you. would you rather someone who didn't particularly want kids brought an unwanted life into the world? |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"We have made a decision to not have a child in our lives. We have spoken about it and feel it would be the end of our marriage if we had a kid. This decision has been met by some hostility in some places mostly by people claiming our decision is selfish. We were wondering on people's _iews here. Were not looking to change our minds just for friendly debate"
I think you are both sensible if that's how you feel, sod other peoples opinions, it would be selfish if two people had kids when they didn't want them and resented them for breaking up their marriage. Wish more people thought it through like you two. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Sounds like a mature and sensible decision which you're entitled to make and is none of anyone else's business whatsoever.
Selfish, to me, is people who just pop kids out without a thought, sometimes not even in a loving relationship, and proceed to fuck those children's lives up. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Not sure how friendly the debate will be. Isn't it slightly rubbing it in the face of people who can't have kids for whatever reason. I can't have kids for health reasons so this slightly rubs me up the wrong way
I didn't manage to have a child that lived, had numerous miscarriages and know how much it hurts.
The OPs' stance doesn't feel like rubbing anything in as it's a sensible choice for them.
The one's that rub me up the wrong way are people who have children almost as a pastime and then treat them badly, ignore them or abandon them. I'd much rather some decides children aren't right for them before having them.
"
 |
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"The one's that rub me up the wrong way are people who have children almost as a pastime and then treat them badly, ignore them or abandon them. I'd much rather some decides children aren't right for them before having them.
"
This is very true, breaks my heart |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Do what suits you because you can never 'win' where others are concerned.
I had my first and only child at 30.
Up until then I'd be constantly asked when I'd have a child. I didn't think I could have them. So was very grateful.
Now I do have one, I still get asked if/when I'll be having more to give him a brother or sister! |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Why bring a child into the world because of 'what's right' to some people, kids aren't for everyone and your certainly not being selfish!!! You are doing what feels right to you both xx |
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By *oxy_minxWoman
over a year ago
Scotland - Aberdeen |
"Not sure how friendly the debate will be. Isn't it slightly rubbing it in the face of people who can't have kids for whatever reason. I can't have kids for health reasons so this slightly rubs me up the wrong way "
Why? I chose not to have kids either, my choice does not affect anyone else! |
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"People can be very militant about having kids. They seem to think it's a human right as opposed to a natural occurrence.
That is a result of something called religion....
Interesting... I think it's more to do with a Western 'want' culture. "
Keeping up with the Joneses? Maybe.
I've personally always seen it as a belief society has inherited from religious teachings. Whether Christianity, Islam or Judaism. All wanted to keep the faith going through the indoctrination of children as early as possible..??! |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Sounds like a mature and sensible decision which you're entitled to make and is none of anyone else's business whatsoever.
Selfish, to me, is people who just pop kids out without a thought, sometimes not even in a loving relationship, and proceed to fuck those children's lives up. "
Exactly what I was about to put.
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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We chose not to have kids too. Our families still ask us constantly if we have changed our minds. We have been called both too young to have made the decision and selfish. My favorite was when a woman told me to my face that I was not a real woman because I haven't had children.
I will never understand why people think they are the right people to dictate other people's lives. Overpopulation is not something to be brushed aside. If anyone is going to have kids, it should be people who want them.
-Courtney |
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It's your life and your choice!
I have 2 children and wouldn't be without them now. But making the decisions to have them was the hardest decision ever and in fact I didn't really decide to, I let nature take it's course and fell pregnant therefore decided it was meant to be! But was soon after signed off work as I got very depressed as felt my life was over! Thankfully got through it!
I really would not be without them now they are my reasons to keep going!
We are a different and parenthood is not for everyone, don't ever feel like you need to justify yourself to anyone over your decision xx |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Whole new can of worms here but to the ladies who can but don't want to have children would you ever consider donating your eggs for couples that can't have a family or even being a surrogate ??? At this moment in time I'm not ready for children, but if a close family or friend asked me to be a surrogate or donate eggs I'd be happy to do that for them knowing I was bringing them the family they deserved . |
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By *oxy_minxWoman
over a year ago
Scotland - Aberdeen |
I never wanted kids and the look I get from some women when I say that is unbelievable!
Some people need to understand that just because you can doesn't mean you should!
And no I am not rubbing anyone's nose in the situation I'm just being honest! |
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"People can be very militant about having kids. They seem to think it's a human right as opposed to a natural occurrence.
That is a result of something called religion....
Interesting... I think it's more to do with a Western 'want' culture.
Keeping up with the Joneses? Maybe.
I've personally always seen it as a belief society has inherited from religious teachings. Whether Christianity, Islam or Judaism. All wanted to keep the faith going through the indoctrination of children as early as possible..??!"
There now seems to be a _iew with some people that they can only have a child that is biological theirs, is shiny and new, because anything less is a 'skimmed milk' child.
I don't know but when I was growing up I had friends who were adopted and now I'm an adult I have friends who have adopted kids themselves. The love I witnessed between my friends and their adopted parents/kids was no less than normal to me. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Each to their own. You're not being selfish for choosing not to have kids. If you're happy the way your life is then why change it? Kids are probably one if not the big decision of your life. You've obviously thought it through enough by the sounds of it.
Don't worry what others think either.
Folk will always have opinions good & bad. Live your life for yourself not everyone else! |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Whole new can of worms here but to the ladies who can but don't want to have children would you ever consider donating your eggs for couples that can't have a family or even being a surrogate ??? At this moment in time I'm not ready for children, but if a close family or friend asked me to be a surrogate or donate eggs I'd be happy to do that for them knowing I was bringing them the family they deserved . "
I'd do it for my daughter, she had a hysterectomy when she was 18, if I was able to give her a child when she was ready then I would, sadly age is not on my side so its not a real option |
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By *icketysplitsWoman
over a year ago
Way over Yonder, that's where I'm bound |
"People can be very militant about having kids. They seem to think it's a human right as opposed to a natural occurrence.
That is a result of something called religion....
Interesting... I think it's more to do with a Western 'want' culture.
Keeping up with the Joneses? Maybe.
I've personally always seen it as a belief society has inherited from religious teachings. Whether Christianity, Islam or Judaism. All wanted to keep the faith going through the indoctrination of children as early as possible..??!
There now seems to be a _iew with some people that they can only have a child that is biological theirs, is shiny and new, because anything less is a 'skimmed milk' child.
I don't know but when I was growing up I had friends who were adopted and now I'm an adult I have friends who have adopted kids themselves. The love I witnessed between my friends and their adopted parents/kids was no less than normal to me. "
I have friends with adopted children. One of those children told me that she feels really special because she was properly chosen for being her.
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I never wanted kids and the look I get from some women when I say that is unbelievable!
Some people need to understand that just because you can doesn't mean you should!
And no I am not rubbing anyone's nose in the situation I'm just being honest!"
Couldn't agree more! There was a similar thread a while back, and I got a few nasty mails because of what I said, and it was only this - when we were younger we went to several friends' and relatives weddings. The only couples that are still together now are the ones who chose not to have kids. |
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"People can be very militant about having kids. They seem to think it's a human right as opposed to a natural occurrence.
That is a result of something called religion....
Interesting... I think it's more to do with a Western 'want' culture.
Keeping up with the Joneses? Maybe.
I've personally always seen it as a belief society has inherited from religious teachings. Whether Christianity, Islam or Judaism. All wanted to keep the faith going through the indoctrination of children as early as possible..??!
There now seems to be a _iew with some people that they can only have a child that is biological theirs, is shiny and new, because anything less is a 'skimmed milk' child.
I don't know but when I was growing up I had friends who were adopted and now I'm an adult I have friends who have adopted kids themselves. The love I witnessed between my friends and their adopted parents/kids was no less than normal to me. "
We said at the outset that if it turned out we couldn't conceive naturally, we'd look to adoption. Even fostering is something we would have considered, and may well still do sometime in the future.
But you're absolutely right, I know of people struggling and questioned why not adopt, but are spending thousands on failed medical procedure after procedure..
Next thing we will be seeing designer babies, I'm convinced that will become reality.. |
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"People can be very militant about having kids. They seem to think it's a human right as opposed to a natural occurrence.
That is a result of something called religion....
Interesting... I think it's more to do with a Western 'want' culture.
Keeping up with the Joneses? Maybe.
I've personally always seen it as a belief society has inherited from religious teachings. Whether Christianity, Islam or Judaism. All wanted to keep the faith going through the indoctrination of children as early as possible..??!
There now seems to be a _iew with some people that they can only have a child that is biological theirs, is shiny and new, because anything less is a 'skimmed milk' child.
I don't know but when I was growing up I had friends who were adopted and now I'm an adult I have friends who have adopted kids themselves. The love I witnessed between my friends and their adopted parents/kids was no less than normal to me.
I have friends with adopted children. One of those children told me that she feels really special because she was properly chosen for being her.
"
A couple I know used up all their IVF attempts on the NHS and then paid privately for a few more after that - it took about 7 years of their time and god knows how much money.
I asked them why they hadn't just adopted as they'd have a child by now and they said because they 'wanted one of their own' and I thought that was idiocy.
They've since adopted. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"People can be very militant about having kids. They seem to think it's a human right as opposed to a natural occurrence.
That is a result of something called religion....
Interesting... I think it's more to do with a Western 'want' culture.
Keeping up with the Joneses? Maybe.
I've personally always seen it as a belief society has inherited from religious teachings. Whether Christianity, Islam or Judaism. All wanted to keep the faith going through the indoctrination of children as early as possible..??!
There now seems to be a _iew with some people that they can only have a child that is biological theirs, is shiny and new, because anything less is a 'skimmed milk' child.
I don't know but when I was growing up I had friends who were adopted and now I'm an adult I have friends who have adopted kids themselves. The love I witnessed between my friends and their adopted parents/kids was no less than normal to me.
I have friends with adopted children. One of those children told me that she feels really special because she was properly chosen for being her.
A couple I know used up all their IVF attempts on the NHS and then paid privately for a few more after that - it took about 7 years of their time and god knows how much money.
I asked them why they hadn't just adopted as they'd have a child by now and they said because they 'wanted one of their own' and I thought that was idiocy.
They've since adopted. "
Depends what you want
If they have the money and would sooner try for a child of their own why not?
Surely that leave baby's that do need adopting open for women which IVF isnt an option for |
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By *icketysplitsWoman
over a year ago
Way over Yonder, that's where I'm bound |
"
There now seems to be a _iew with some people that they can only have a child that is biological theirs, is shiny and new, because anything less is a 'skimmed milk' child.
I don't know but when I was growing up I had friends who were adopted and now I'm an adult I have friends who have adopted kids themselves. The love I witnessed between my friends and their adopted parents/kids was no less than normal to me.
I have friends with adopted children. One of those children told me that she feels really special because she was properly chosen for being her.
A couple I know used up all their IVF attempts on the NHS and then paid privately for a few more after that - it took about 7 years of their time and god knows how much money.
I asked them why they hadn't just adopted as they'd have a child by now and they said because they 'wanted one of their own' and I thought that was idiocy.
They've since adopted. "
I do understand the wanting one of your own thing - it is a visceral need in some. I felt it as a craving. I don't think you should adopt if you feel like you are settling for the booby prize as that child deserves more than that.
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"
Depends what you want
If they have the money and would sooner try for a child of their own why not?
Surely that leave baby's that do need adopting open for women which IVF isnt an option for "
And that brings me back to one of my earlier comments...
"Interesting... I think it's more to do with a Western 'want' culture."
I love it when things come full circle  |
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By *oxy_minxWoman
over a year ago
Scotland - Aberdeen |
"I never wanted kids and the look I get from some women when I say that is unbelievable!
Some people need to understand that just because you can doesn't mean you should!
And no I am not rubbing anyone's nose in the situation I'm just being honest!
Couldn't agree more! There was a similar thread a while back, and I got a few nasty mails because of what I said, and it was only this - when we were younger we went to several friends' and relatives weddings. The only couples that are still together now are the ones who chose not to have kids. "
I just can't believe in this day and age that all women are expected to have babies or even want them! I've never wanted them and yet I'm still looked at being weird lol |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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One of my best friends had difficulty getting pregnant, finally did so only for her son to be stillborn.
Her & her husband tried again but unfortunately they couldn't get pregnant again so they adopted a little boy who is loved absolutely.
He is a very lucky boy & they would count themselves as very lucky to have him.
I don't think anyone is selfish for not having children. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"We have made a decision to not have a child in our lives. We have spoken about it and feel it would be the end of our marriage if we had a kid. This decision has been met by some hostility in some places mostly by people claiming our decision is selfish. We were wondering on people's _iews here. Were not looking to change our minds just for friendly debate"
I have various situations involving friends and family (including myself) about the decision to have or not have (or who cant have children) but wont bore you with them. Its completely your decision and I may get some aggro for saying this but I wish in some small way I had waited till I was a bit older to start my family, to give us time to do stuff together, holidays etc. I dont think I was ready for kids. But I wouldnt be without them, but totally respect your decision |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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How on earth is it selfish to decide not I have kids? Can't get my head around this opinion. Different perhaps if one of you reeeeaaallly wants them and the other doesn't and refuses to even discuss it. That's selfish. But if you're on the same page and happy then people should fuck off with their opinions... |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I can just about keep myself alive. I managed to look after a dog for a decade. There is no way I would trust myself to look after a child. I may not be responsible but I know my limits. |
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I think that you have the right to choose whether or not to have children.
We are very fortunate to have the choice and I think it is a choice more should maybe make.
Nobody should belittle anyone who chooses not to have children or be offended by their choice if they are unable to.
I realise the latter is easy for me to say as a mother...
Nita |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I've never wanted children, and keep getting told one day I will when I meet the mystical 'one' but I just can't see it happening. I adore my nieces, but I just don't have that maternal instinct or get all gooey around babies. If I were to fall pregnant I would have and love the child (I couldn't face an abortion), but I genuinely think I would struggle...especially of I was on my own.
Choosing not to have a child just because it's expected of you is not selfish, and it isn't an attempt to rub it in the noses of those that do but can't. Children need a loving and secure home, and I think more people should give it serious thought rather than just having a child because they can. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I never wanted kids and the look I get from some women when I say that is unbelievable!
Some people need to understand that just because you can doesn't mean you should!
And no I am not rubbing anyone's nose in the situation I'm just being honest!
Couldn't agree more! There was a similar thread a while back, and I got a few nasty mails because of what I said, and it was only this - when we were younger we went to several friends' and relatives weddings. The only couples that are still together now are the ones who chose not to have kids.
I just can't believe in this day and age that all women are expected to have babies or even want them! I've never wanted them and yet I'm still looked at being weird lol "
Same here. I've had people look at me like i'm from another planet when i've said i don't want kids. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"We have made a decision to not have a child in our lives. We have spoken about it and feel it would be the end of our marriage if we had a kid. This decision has been met by some hostility in some places mostly by people claiming our decision is selfish. We were wondering on people's _iews here. Were not looking to change our minds just for friendly debate"
Imho those that are being selfish are those giving you the hard time |
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By *umpkinMan
over a year ago
near the sounds of the wimborne quarter jack! |
"There was a thread on this a while ago. Can't remember the title though.
Opinion was quite divided to be fair. I don't want children and someone called me selfish. "
I think I may have started it! 
And yes, I am one of those "selfish bastards" who doesn`t want children!
Actually, whilst I do like children, I was always wary of how I would react in situations of crisis - how would I recognise signs of illness, how would I react to bad behaviour and how would I have liked to have my lifestyle altered.
As it was it was all academic as I was never in a relationship that would have produced children and indeed I never even got engaged let alone married. My last relationship with a "girlfriend" was plutonic, not that was hoe I planned it!  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"We have made a decision to not have a child in our lives. We have spoken about it and feel it would be the end of our marriage if we had a kid. This decision has been met by some hostility in some places mostly by people claiming our decision is selfish. We were wondering on people's _iews here. Were not looking to change our minds just for friendly debate"
Out of interest, why do you think it would mean the end of your marriage?
It's both you and partners decision, ignore what others say and live your life how you want to. |
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By *agan_Pair OP Couple
over a year ago
portchester |
We were not in the same page at the beginning of our discussions and had even been trying, a little, for a good 4 or five months. Then I had a bit of a breakdown over it all and the talking started. It was an up and down time but has helped in the end. I grew up thinking I would have kids, but I have come to realise that was because I thought I had to. |
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By *agan_Pair OP Couple
over a year ago
portchester |
We believe it would be the downfall of our marriage mostly because of me, I'm not good at dealing with stress and I would end up locking myself away and drifting apart. It's hard to explain but when we said to my father and my other half's mother our decision they both stated unprompted and independantly that they felt a child would end up breaking us up so there must be something in it. It's not a case that either of us would deliberately leave the other because we had a child more that a child would bring stress that would be the downfall. |
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"i never wanted children, i took precautions against having them..
powers that be had other plans and i ended up with one
lifes amazing :D "
Exactly the same here. Contraception let me down. Love my boy to bits though and even though I never would of chosen to be a parent (and definatly not a single one at that) i wouldnt change it x |
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By *agan_Pair OP Couple
over a year ago
portchester |
"i never wanted children, i took precautions against having them..
powers that be had other plans and i ended up with one
lifes amazing :D
Exactly the same here. Contraception let me down. Love my boy to bits though and even though I never would of chosen to be a parent (and definatly not a single one at that) i wouldnt change it x"
Crikey that's two or three of you now. I'm making an appointment with the docs in the morning to make sure. |
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everyone to there own choices in life if they want to have children or not
but me personally I wanted children and dont think that I would have stayed childless in a relationship
I believe that I would have to end the relationship knowing that I was the only one wanting children
I have 2 children my son and daughter though one is my step child that I love dearly, I could do it all again I just could not change the clock to something else |
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"i never wanted children, i took precautions against having them..
powers that be had other plans and i ended up with one
lifes amazing :D
Exactly the same here. Contraception let me down. Love my boy to bits though and even though I never would of chosen to be a parent (and definatly not a single one at that) i wouldnt change it x
Crikey that's two or three of you now. I'm making an appointment with the docs in the morning to make sure. "
I changed my contraception after that. Lol x |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Not sure how friendly the debate will be. Isn't it slightly rubbing it in the face of people who can't have kids for whatever reason. I can't have kids for health reasons so this slightly rubs me up the wrong way "
I have family members who can't have kids so can understand how hard it is. but don't feel anyone who can have kids should just because they can. It is an emotional subject but if the op doesn't think kids are for them well that is their decision. |
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I think people having children and not investing time/love in them are selfish. My other half never wanted children and left women who did. It's ironic he's ended up with me and mine: that said my "baby" is 24.
I can't imagine my life without children...yes I can, I'd be a millionaire but poorer in spirit. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I have never felt broody and never wanted children. I am also very lucky that I have a lot of friends who are childless. I can't imagine what it's like to come up against negative comments about my choice?
Although I do know what my reaction would be to anyone calling me selfish!!
That said my family have had very stiff words from me when they've moaned about 'no grandkids'! |
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By *icketysplitsWoman
over a year ago
Way over Yonder, that's where I'm bound |
"I think people having children and not investing time/love in them are selfish. My other half never wanted children and left women who did. It's ironic he's ended up with me and mine: that said my "baby" is 24.
I can't imagine my life without children...yes I can, I'd be a millionaire but poorer in spirit."
He's about to become a step-granddad so he'd better start liking those babies.
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"The one's that rub me up the wrong way are people who have children almost as a pastime and then treat them badly, ignore them or abandon them. I'd much rather some decides children aren't right for them before having them.
"
I'm not sure I want kids for quite a few reasons but I'm also worried that in 20/30 years time I might regret it. |
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By *icketysplitsWoman
over a year ago
Way over Yonder, that's where I'm bound |
"The one's that rub me up the wrong way are people who have children almost as a pastime and then treat them badly, ignore them or abandon them. I'd much rather some decides children aren't right for them before having them.
I'm not sure I want kids for quite a few reasons but I'm also worried that in 20/30 years time I might regret it."
You have the option still. A lot of choices we just reaffirm day by day.
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"People can be very militant about having kids. They seem to think it's a human right as opposed to a natural occurrence.
That is a result of something called religion....
Interesting... I think it's more to do with a Western 'want' culture.
Keeping up with the Joneses? Maybe.
I've personally always seen it as a belief society has inherited from religious teachings. Whether Christianity, Islam or Judaism. All wanted to keep the faith going through the indoctrination of children as early as possible..??!
There now seems to be a _iew with some people that they can only have a child that is biological theirs, is shiny and new, because anything less is a 'skimmed milk' child.
I don't know but when I was growing up I had friends who were adopted and now I'm an adult I have friends who have adopted kids themselves. The love I witnessed between my friends and their adopted parents/kids was no less than normal to me.
I have friends with adopted children. One of those children told me that she feels really special because she was properly chosen for being her.
A couple I know used up all their IVF attempts on the NHS and then paid privately for a few more after that - it took about 7 years of their time and god knows how much money.
I asked them why they hadn't just adopted as they'd have a child by now and they said because they 'wanted one of their own' and I thought that was idiocy.
They've since adopted. "
I do get the whole "wanting one of their own" thing...
For a lot of women, a massive part of the bond builds up during pregnancy, plus, it's typically a natural instinct to reproduce to carry on YOUR genes, so I can kind of understand the desire to produce your own trumping over adoption.
It's not exactly like wanting a new piece of furniture and thinking "Just do this because you'd have it by now". Adoption requires a mind-set greater than "I want a child and any one will do". The child needs and deserves to feel like they are not just second best. |
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"i never wanted children, i took precautions against having them..
powers that be had other plans and i ended up with one
lifes amazing :D
Exactly the same here. Contraception let me down. Love my boy to bits though and even though I never would of chosen to be a parent (and definatly not a single one at that) i wouldnt change it x
Crikey that's two or three of you now. I'm making an appointment with the docs in the morning to make sure. "
We're awaiting the arrival of our 2nd contraception baby.
Bradley may be having the snip after this one. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I've never particularly liked kids. Im the oldest of 5 and ended up being the carer for the youngest ones, so it feels like I did parenting at a young age.
I like the freedom of not having kids and have never felt the need to breed. I am unique in my generation of my family for not having kids. Most have 3 or 4... Irish genes I guess. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"i never wanted children, i took precautions against having them..
powers that be had other plans and i ended up with one
lifes amazing :D
Exactly the same here. Contraception let me down. Love my boy to bits though and even though I never would of chosen to be a parent (and definatly not a single one at that) i wouldnt change it x
Crikey that's two or three of you now. I'm making an appointment with the docs in the morning to make sure. "
There's always the human factor involved in the reliability of contraception
I must be the most fertile person i know. Pregnant within a month of coming off the pill and also as soon as i stopped the injection. 5 years of having a coil fitted and no accident so I'd say that the contraceptive is only as good as the user.....I've known loads that have been "unlucky" using just condoms, or on the pill....but i was shit at remembering to take the pill. Just saying |
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"We have made a decision to not have a child in our lives. We have spoken about it and feel it would be the end of our marriage if we had a kid. This decision has been met by some hostility in some places mostly by people claiming our decision is selfish. We were wondering on people's _iews here. Were not looking to change our minds just for friendly debate"
At this stage in my life I am currently feeling this way. Up until the age of 25 I was adamant i'd never have children. I've wavered a little. I am at the 'maybe in the future' mindset at the moment.
I think choosing not to have kids is quite unselfish. I'd struggle with the idea of bringing a life into this world with the current state of affairs. It's not a safe place! |
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It sounds so wise not to have kids if you'd know you wouldn't be 100% behind it and the changes to your lives and relationship.
People thinking otherwise are living in denial, the past or are fairly narrow.
Too many kids forced into families where they're sadly neglected and unwanted - it's abuse. |
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Love being a mad Aunt and Godmom but have never, ever wanted my own. Don't understand the need to breed but each to their own.
If I did, I'd adopt. So many unwanted nippers out there who desperately need and deserve love |
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It pisses me off whenever I hear people saying couples should have kids. How about mind your own business? And I don't like the reasoning that "some people want kids but can't so you should" some people can't afford super cars but if you can you should? Are they raising your kids? |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"It sounds so wise not to have kids if you'd know you wouldn't be 100% behind it and the changes to your lives and relationship.
People thinking otherwise are living in denial, the past or are fairly narrow.
Too many kids forced into families where they're sadly neglected and unwanted - it's abuse. "
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I knew I wanted to be a Mother even when I was a child and can't imagine my life without my children. They are my world. I will admit though, being a parent is the hardest job in the world and its 24/7.
I have a dear friend who is desperate to have a family but nature has other ideas sadly. She is going through the adoption process now.
However, neither she nor I would say it is selfish to not have children if you don't want them. In fact I'd say the opposite.
Mrs x |
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It's funny how if I said that I don't want to have a tv or a car or eat meat noone would argue with me. They might ask questions but I wouldn't be doubted in my ability to know my own mind.
But when I tell people I've never wanted children I get patronising comments and accusations that I'm being unfair to women who can't have them! 
You'd never argue with someone who didn't want a dog or cat so why argue or debate with someone who doesn't want a child when the damage being unwanted does to a child is immense? |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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It's your choice
Personally i can't imagine life without my children and all i have wanted to be is a mum so i would find it a very strange life to be childless thru choice but each to their own
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By *osieWoman
over a year ago
Wembley |
"We have made a decision to not have a child in our lives. We have spoken about it and feel it would be the end of our marriage if we had a kid. This decision has been met by some hostility in some places mostly by people claiming our decision is selfish. We were wondering on people's _iews here. Were not looking to change our minds just for friendly debate"
Having children would have been selfish. I think you made the right choice. You could have ended up potentially resenting them for the negative impact on your marriage
When younger (much, much younger), I knew that I am not the sort who will hang around in any one place (continent) for long
Children would have been baggage and a hubby/boyfriend would have been excess baggage. I therefore acquired neither and I still think I made the correct decision for myself and the born and the unborn |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"It's funny how if I said that I don't want to have a tv or a car or eat meat noone would argue with me. They might ask questions but I wouldn't be doubted in my ability to know my own mind.
But when I tell people I've never wanted children I get patronising comments and accusations that I'm being unfair to women who can't have them!
You'd never argue with someone who didn't want a dog or cat so why argue or debate with someone who doesn't want a child when the damage being unwanted does to a child is immense?"
This isn't a dig I'm just trying to answer your question. You can't reproduce to make a tv, a car or a cat/dog.
Those things are material possessions (not the pets but you catch my drift). You could give a cat or tv or car away or upgrade to a new model etc. They are just things. A child on the other hand is the natural product of human reproduction. If we all stopped making babies we'd soon die off as a species. Doubt that would happen if they stopped making tellys. Lol.
So, to summarise, evolution is what I'm getting at. There are more than enough people having babies to carry on the human race,so there is room for lots of people to chose to remain childless too. Do what is best for you I say.
Mrs x |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I think we've probably all been guilty of asking women who have recently got married or are at a certain age when they're going to have children.
I'm going to do my utmost to stop doing that as I have no idea if they're having problems conceiving or just don't want children & frankly it's none of my business. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"We have made a decision to not have a child in our lives. We have spoken about it and feel it would be the end of our marriage if we had a kid. This decision has been met by some hostility in some places mostly by people claiming our decision is selfish. We were wondering on people's _iews here. Were not looking to change our minds just for friendly debate"
I think it's your decision and it's not for others to comment on.
Both my children came my way through carelessness but I'm glad they did. I never initially wanted children but when it came to it I fought to keep them with me.... And won |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I think we've probably all been guilty of asking women who have recently got married or are at a certain age when they're going to have children.
I'm going to do my utmost to stop doing that as I have no idea if they're having problems conceiving or just don't want children & frankly it's none of my business."
I wish more people would try to do this. What is an innocent question to someone else can make for a painful or awkward conversation for the person answering. And although I think women get the questions a lot more, the same applies to men. |
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"I think people having children and not investing time/love in them are selfish. My other half never wanted children and left women who did. It's ironic he's ended up with me and mine: that said my "baby" is 24.
I can't imagine my life without children...yes I can, I'd be a millionaire but poorer in spirit.
He's about to become a step-granddad so he'd better start liking those babies.
"
Oh Lickety, he's already bought himself fishing gear and adding new bits to his camera in readiness to escape when my grandsons make an appearance...so he honestly thinks! |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"When I moved to Brighton, I lived in a house with 4 other people. Only I have had kids. They chose not to. Or couldn't. No matter how big their house, how cool their car or how exotic their holidays are - I've got something they can never have. And for that I'm grateful. I have never, ever considered them to be selfish for not having kids. "
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I am jot child free by conscious choice and I believe if I started to try and conceive I would struggle but I don't think that whatever my situation, conscious choice or not I should have an opinion on other people's choice.
If i cannot have children I don't think I should make others feel guilty about not having children though choice. |
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"i never wanted children, i took precautions against having them..
powers that be had other plans and i ended up with one
lifes amazing :D
Exactly the same here. Contraception let me down. Love my boy to bits though and even though I never would of chosen to be a parent (and definatly not a single one at that) i wouldnt change it x
Crikey that's two or three of you now. I'm making an appointment with the docs in the morning to make sure.
There's always the human factor involved in the reliability of contraception
I must be the most fertile person i know. Pregnant within a month of coming off the pill and also as soon as i stopped the injection. 5 years of having a coil fitted and no accident so I'd say that the contraceptive is only as good as the user.....I've known loads that have been "unlucky" using just condoms, or on the pill....but i was shit at remembering to take the pill. Just saying "
Missed one pill: pregnant with my first. Had a miscarriage September 1986 doctor said wait three months and try again. My daughter was born September 1987.
Doctor said if he could bottle my fertility he'd be a very rich man.
Only word of caution I'd give to those who don't want kids, make sure it's your decision and you're not encouraged to be sterilised. I've known people who've done that for their partners to change their mind then buggered off to have families. |
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"
I'm going to do my utmost to stop doing that as I have no idea if they're having problems conceiving or just don't want children & frankly it's none of my business."
This. Always this.
I can talk about it now without getting upset but for a long time it wasn't that way. I dreaded the question 'so did you just not want kids then?' because my eyes fill up before I can stop them and that's awkward for everyone.
Just be sensitive about it. It's not something I talk about in general, my parents have no idea but the last time my Mum was tipsy she told me that her biggest regret in life was not having grandchildren. It was tactless but unintentional but I literally couldn't speak. I can't even begin to describe how disappointed I am without having to deal with the regrets of my parents being my fault too.
I don't grudge other people, a lot of my friends have kids and they're a joy to be around but it's something I haven't been able to do and for that I will always be a bit sad.
Not everyone gets to choose so just bear that in mind next time you're with people and you don't know their choices or circumstances. It's a delicate topic and not everyone is able to talk about it. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"It's funny how if I said that I don't want to have a tv or a car or eat meat noone would argue with me. They might ask questions but I wouldn't be doubted in my ability to know my own mind.
But when I tell people I've never wanted children I get patronising comments and accusations that I'm being unfair to women who can't have them!
You'd never argue with someone who didn't want a dog or cat so why argue or debate with someone who doesn't want a child when the damage being unwanted does to a child is immense?"
Surely it would make more sense to say that people having kids are being unfair to those that can't?
Why don't you want a dog???? I find that offensive because I don't have a dog... |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Not sure how friendly the debate will be. Isn't it slightly rubbing it in the face of people who can't have kids for whatever reason. I can't have kids for health reasons so this slightly rubs me up the wrong way "
Sorry you can't have children but I don’t see why. Medical advances IVF etc (see the womb transplant thread) have made it possible for women who couldn't have kids in the past.
I chose not to have kids. Not BECAUSE I'm selfish, but because I'm not.
If every child was loved and cared for properly I'd probably agree.
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I haven't got children -
and I get judged all the time by people that find it impossible to think of anyone taking a different path from them.
But I'm OK with that - I understand why they do it - I just pay little or no attention to it anymore!
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I'll be dealing with the disappointment of no children by having a lie in when I want, buying a new car and buggering off on my third holiday this year- this time to the Caribbean for two weeks- selfish bastard ain't I? |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"i never wanted children, i took precautions against having them..
powers that be had other plans and i ended up with one
lifes amazing :D
Exactly the same here. Contraception let me down. Love my boy to bits though and even though I never would of chosen to be a parent (and definatly not a single one at that) i wouldnt change it x
Crikey that's two or three of you now. I'm making an appointment with the docs in the morning to make sure.
We're awaiting the arrival of our 2nd contraception baby.
Bradley may be having the snip after this one. "
My ex had the snip after our second child, I have three kids, just saying |
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"i never wanted children, i took precautions against having them..
powers that be had other plans and i ended up with one
lifes amazing :D
Exactly the same here. Contraception let me down. Love my boy to bits though and even though I never would of chosen to be a parent (and definatly not a single one at that) i wouldnt change it x
Crikey that's two or three of you now. I'm making an appointment with the docs in the morning to make sure.
We're awaiting the arrival of our 2nd contraception baby.
Bradley may be having the snip after this one.
My ex had the snip after our second child, I have three kids, just saying "
I keep telling him that, knowing our luck, he'll be one of those men who has to have it done twice and during the process we'll find ourselves pregnant with quads. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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It does seem like one of life's cruel tricks that some people can get pregnant without even trying, while on contraception or whatever, even if they didn't want to be l, and others just can't even if they do everything right. That's far more of a smack in the face than someone making a deliberate decision not to have children for their own reasons. |
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"It does seem like one of life's cruel tricks that some people can get pregnant without even trying, while on contraception or whatever, even if they didn't want to be l, and others just can't even if they do everything right. That's far more of a smack in the face than someone making a deliberate decision not to have children for their own reasons. "
Indeed. It does seem cruel.
People often make the assumption there though that we didn't want children. We DID very much want them, just weren't actively trying at the time (like most, we wanted to be in the right financial/emotional position, etc first).
Although I'm glad it happened the way it did - reality hit home that there is never going to be a "right" time. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I'm 33 and i dont want kids.
Parents keep telling me ill change my mind in the future, its selfish, what if you meet the woman of your dreams and she wants kids etc.
Honestly i think in todays world its probably more selfish to have a kid than not to.
I'm struggling to get a job that pays above min wage, i can not even afford to feed myself properly so why would i bring a kid into this life. Even if i had the money, the future for my generation doesnt seem great, governments cuts and more and more control of everything we do in life, working 9-5 for your whole life to barely get anything at the end. I don't think there would be a state pension when i get to that age and by then it'll be working into your 70s.
Then you got climate change, if your a non believer you must be blind to the world, thats not gonna improve, so why bring a child into a world thats getting far too over populated, less jobs etc.
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"Not sure how friendly the debate will be. Isn't it slightly rubbing it in the face of people who can't have kids for whatever reason. I can't have kids for health reasons so this slightly rubs me up the wrong way "
With the greatest respect your logic is flawed to the point of obsolescence. Basically you are saying either that because you have a particular affliction everyone else who can have children should have no choice other than to have one. Or you are saying that anyone who chooses not to have one must never speak of it in case you hear and take a strop?
Imagine someone who is intolerant to wheat, would you expect them to go around berating bakers for making loaves of bread, yelling at people who don't like bread and asking people who refrain from scones to eat them anyway so that the intolerant person feels better? |
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"Not sure how friendly the debate will be. Isn't it slightly rubbing it in the face of people who can't have kids for whatever reason. I can't have kids for health reasons so this slightly rubs me up the wrong way
I have family members who can't have kids so can understand how hard it is. but don't feel anyone who can have kids should just because they can. It is an emotional subject but if the op doesn't think kids are for them well that is their decision. "
I have noticed that the prevailing verb here is "feel". No one seems to be "thinking" about it. It is all being put down to heart and not head. Good decisions need to be thought about. Feelings are often illogical and ill-thought-through. |
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"I'm 33 and i dont want kids.
Parents keep telling me ill change my mind in the future, its selfish, what if you meet the woman of your dreams and she wants kids etc.
Honestly i think in todays world its probably more selfish to have a kid than not to.
I'm struggling to get a job that pays above min wage, i can not even afford to feed myself properly so why would i bring a kid into this life. Even if i had the money, the future for my generation doesnt seem great, governments cuts and more and more control of everything we do in life, working 9-5 for your whole life to barely get anything at the end. I don't think there would be a state pension when i get to that age and by then it'll be working into your 70s.
Then you got climate change, if your a non believer you must be blind to the world, thats not gonna improve, so why bring a child into a world thats getting far too over populated, less jobs etc.
"
Agreed. My thoughts as well. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Im 43 and would have loved to have a child, but problems with bits that dont work has spoiled it for me.
People that have children, only to abuse them and treat them bady disgust me!
If your lucky enough to be given the chance to have kids, please respect them, and think of others that are not quite as lucky as you are.
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"It's funny how if I said that I don't want to have a tv or a car or eat meat noone would argue with me. They might ask questions but I wouldn't be doubted in my ability to know my own mind.
But when I tell people I've never wanted children I get patronising comments and accusations that I'm being unfair to women who can't have them!
You'd never argue with someone who didn't want a dog or cat so why argue or debate with someone who doesn't want a child when the damage being unwanted does to a child is immense?"
On a similar note, I cannot have permanent contraception ie my tubes tied because I'm too young and might regret it later. But if I were to announce I was pregnant, no medical professional would tell me I might regret it later.
The decision either way is just as important but it seems I can only be trusted to make the decision in one way. Fucks me right off |
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By *umpkinMan
over a year ago
near the sounds of the wimborne quarter jack! |
"
.......... the last time my Mum was tipsy she told me that her biggest regret in life was not having grandchildren................. "
Always at the back of my mind too DG. My Mum was Granny to a little girl for eight years - a little girl who was quadriplegic and severely disabled. But because my sister gave birth to her later in life and the 24 hour a day care left her immotionally drained, she din`t have a second child. |
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I asked them why they hadn't just adopted as they'd have a child by now and they said because they 'wanted one of their own' and I thought that was idiocy.
They've since adopted. "
How very judgemental from someone who has clearly never been in that situation.
I sincerely hope they no longer call you a friend.
OP, it is really your choice and no one else's business. Why people think it's ok to have an opinion on someone's ability/want to procreate is beyond me.
*Her* |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I'll be dealing with the disappointment of no children by having a lie in when I want, buying a new car and buggering off on my third holiday this year- this time to the Caribbean for two weeks- selfish bastard ain't I? "
Some of us do that and more and have children lol |
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