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Confused!
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Ok this might be quite a long post, so please bear with me! Met a guy on here over 4 years ago... Fell head over heels in love with him... 18 months after we met I found out he was cheating... I confronted him... He left and ended up moving in with the other woman.... I was heartbroken and could not get over him but I did get on with my life and threw myself into work, became a bit of a hermit didn't go out much etc no interest in men at all!
8 months later my son got hit by a car he was 10 thankfully he was ok but it was the worst day of my life getting that call, getting from work to the hospital to be with him etc that night I made my son sleep with me so I could keep an eye on him, I was worried sick and couldn't sleep. Whilst lying there I picked up the phone and text my ex to tell him what had happened. Up until that day we had not communicated. I was shocked when he text me back to say how sorry he was etc! Anyway from then on we started texting occasionally! He was still with this other woman and they were having problems. We ended up talking on the phone that xmas and he ended up telling me what their problems were, not particularly an easy conversation for me to have. A big part of me was thinking well it serves you right etc! Anyway 3 months on after that they split up. He found himself homeless but he had a job but not much money, he ended up living out of his car and working etc to earn money so he could move back closer to his family. He lived out of his car for 3 months and he and I spoke daily. He works in construction and his job was coming to an end. So I offered him a roof over his head until he had sorted himself out. He moved in with me in June 14. But he had to sleep on the sofa, and pay me rent. I kept the rent low as he had debts to pay and I wanted him to be able to save up to get his own place.
Moving to present day he is still here, we are back in a relationship and for the most part happy, he is good with the kids, he cleans, he is great at diy etc! He surprises me every now and then with a pair of sexy new heels, we have even played occasionally with others as a couple and have had a great time! Trust is difficult to build but I think we are getting there!
The thing is a while back once he had been here a year, I asked him where we were going. You see he sleeps on the sofa when my kids are here and in my bed when they are with their dad. In some ways it is great because it means we make the most of the nights when they are not here. However I thought it was about time we were open about our relationship with my kids. He said to me at the time that he still wanted to get his own place and he didn't want to confuse my kids which I get. However 3 months on from that conversation he hasn't made the effort to find somewhere, I get the feeling he is in no rush to move out, I think he is happy with the way things are. But I am not getting any younger and want to feel settled. Do I push him again on this point. I am happy for him to stay but in an open manner in front of my kids as he does most of the time make me happy! Like everyone we both annoy each other from time to time but you work through that. Or should I make him move out and go and do his own thing. You see I think if he moves out and has that time on his own it will give him time to really think about what he wants. Then if he comes back it is for the right reason? I don't know you men are so confusing sometimes!! |
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"You see I think if he moves out and has that time on his own it will give him time to really think about what he wants. Then if he comes back it is for the right reason? "
You've answered your own question.  |
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"You see I think if he moves out and has that time on his own it will give him time to really think about what he wants. Then if he comes back it is for the right reason?
You've answered your own question. "
But he doesn't seem like he particularly wants too even though that was the plan from the start! |
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By *iewMan
over a year ago
Forum Mod Angus & Findhorn |
"You see I think if he moves out and has that time on his own it will give him time to really think about what he wants. Then if he comes back it is for the right reason?
You've answered your own question.
But he doesn't seem like he particularly wants too even though that was the plan from the start! "
but you owe it to yourself and son to be the happiest you can be......
and he is adding uncertainty to that, ask him an/or bin him
good luck |
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"You see I think if he moves out and has that time on his own it will give him time to really think about what he wants. Then if he comes back it is for the right reason?
You've answered your own question.
But he doesn't seem like he particularly wants too even though that was the plan from the start! "
Take control and remind him. He's in your house. If he leaves and thinks about it and returns then you'll know. If he doesn't leave then he doesn't need to think about it. Hope it works out for you.  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Take control of your life. Go for what you want and don't let anyone hold you back.
Stop offering people who will take advantage help, even if it benefits you.
I'd personally ask him to leave, get him to prove that you can trust him. He'll either commit to you or go.
Either way you'll know where you stand and can move on with your life and get it the way you want it.
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"You see I think if he moves out and has that time on his own it will give him time to really think about what he wants. Then if he comes back it is for the right reason?
You've answered your own question.
But he doesn't seem like he particularly wants too even though that was the plan from the start!
Take control and remind him. He's in your house. If he leaves and thinks about it and returns then you'll know. If he doesn't leave then he doesn't need to think about it. Hope it works out for you. "
I completely get what you are saying, but in my head this maybe my house but it is also his home and I don't want to hold that over him. It is not my way, but I am starting to think I might not have a choice. |
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"You see I think if he moves out and has that time on his own it will give him time to really think about what he wants. Then if he comes back it is for the right reason?
You've answered your own question.
But he doesn't seem like he particularly wants too even though that was the plan from the start! "
Of course he doesn't. Low rent, sex without making much effort etc. The big clue is he said he didn't want to confuse your children, his actions show that he still doesn't. Give home six weeks to find a place to go it will concentrate his mind on what he really wants. |
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"You see I think if he moves out and has that time on his own it will give him time to really think about what he wants. Then if he comes back it is for the right reason?
You've answered your own question.
But he doesn't seem like he particularly wants too even though that was the plan from the start!
Take control and remind him. He's in your house. If he leaves and thinks about it and returns then you'll know. If he doesn't leave then he doesn't need to think about it. Hope it works out for you.
I completely get what you are saying, but in my head this maybe my house but it is also his home and I don't want to hold that over him. It is not my way, but I am starting to think I might not have a choice. "
You're making excuses to yourself. |
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"Take control of your life. Go for what you want and don't let anyone hold you back.
Stop offering people who will take advantage help, even if it benefits you.
I'd personally ask him to leave, get him to prove that you can trust him. He'll either commit to you or go.
Either way you'll know where you stand and can move on with your life and get it the way you want it.
"
Last time I had this conversation with him I did tell him it was over. The affect was that he opened up to me and what he told me helped me to understand a lot of things about him. I agreed to carry on but thought he was planning on moving out anyway, you see he said when he moves out he sees no reason for us to change and that he wants us to still be together! Yet he has made no move to leave! Guess I am going to have to bite the bullet and actually ask him when he is planning on moving out. |
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"Take control of your life. Go for what you want and don't let anyone hold you back.
Stop offering people who will take advantage help, even if it benefits you.
I'd personally ask him to leave, get him to prove that you can trust him. He'll either commit to you or go.
Either way you'll know where you stand and can move on with your life and get it the way you want it.
"
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"Take control of your life. Go for what you want and don't let anyone hold you back.
Stop offering people who will take advantage help, even if it benefits you.
I'd personally ask him to leave, get him to prove that you can trust him. He'll either commit to you or go.
Either way you'll know where you stand and can move on with your life and get it the way you want it.
Last time I had this conversation with him I did tell him it was over. The affect was that he opened up to me and what he told me helped me to understand a lot of things about him. I agreed to carry on but thought he was planning on moving out anyway, you see he said when he moves out he sees no reason for us to change and that he wants us to still be together! Yet he has made no move to leave! Guess I am going to have to bite the bullet and actually ask him when he is planning on moving out. "
As I said, what reason does he have to make a move to leave? |
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By *yrdwomanWoman
over a year ago
Putting the 'cum' in Eboracum |
OP, whats the ideal end to this situation for you and your kids? Don't think about whats best for him - I assure you he is already doing that himself. Think about whats best for you, then arrange your life that way. |
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"Take control of your life. Go for what you want and don't let anyone hold you back.
Stop offering people who will take advantage help, even if it benefits you.
I'd personally ask him to leave, get him to prove that you can trust him. He'll either commit to you or go.
Either way you'll know where you stand and can move on with your life and get it the way you want it.
Last time I had this conversation with him I did tell him it was over. The affect was that he opened up to me and what he told me helped me to understand a lot of things about him. I agreed to carry on but thought he was planning on moving out anyway, you see he said when he moves out he sees no reason for us to change and that he wants us to still be together! Yet he has made no move to leave! Guess I am going to have to bite the bullet and actually ask him when he is planning on moving out.
As I said, what reason does he have to make a move to leave?"
His reason to me as to why he wants his own place is to prove to himself he can do it on his own and he wants to have keys to his own front door! I would have thought that was reason enough! I know I am going to have to force the issue again, was kind of hoping some of the men on this site could give me an insight to the male mind. |
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"OP, whats the ideal end to this situation for you and your kids? Don't think about whats best for him - I assure you he is already doing that himself. Think about whats best for you, then arrange your life that way."
That's the hard thing, I am thinking about my kids they love him. He spends time with them, especially my son he teaches him stuff about cars shows him how to mend things etc, he takes him off and spends boy time with him! He has music clashes with my daughter and sits and watches movies with them both when I have to work! They would miss him if he wasn't here and I guess that is one of the main reasons I don't want to push him, because their own dad does not give them the quality time he does! |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Take control of your life. Go for what you want and don't let anyone hold you back.
Stop offering people who will take advantage help, even if it benefits you.
I'd personally ask him to leave, get him to prove that you can trust him. He'll either commit to you or go.
Either way you'll know where you stand and can move on with your life and get it the way you want it.
Last time I had this conversation with him I did tell him it was over. The affect was that he opened up to me and what he told me helped me to understand a lot of things about him. I agreed to carry on but thought he was planning on moving out anyway, you see he said when he moves out he sees no reason for us to change and that he wants us to still be together! Yet he has made no move to leave! Guess I am going to have to bite the bullet and actually ask him when he is planning on moving out. "
Yeah that's all you can do really is take control over your own life.
Make sure his actions match up to his words otherwise he is lying to you. He's already lied about moving out (and things from last time you were with him), doesn't matter what the excuses are he's just lying already, don't know if you can even believe anything he says?
I personally feel he's just saying things to keep you happy so he can carry on regardless, but i don't know him. He might genuinely not even know what he wants, but the point is you know what you want, so go for it and if you have to go for it without him then don't worry, he's the flakey one.
You can rely on yourself if you have to and never let him make you doubt that so that you keep him around under his terms Relationships can be give and take if you want that.
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By *yrdwomanWoman
over a year ago
Putting the 'cum' in Eboracum |
"OP, whats the ideal end to this situation for you and your kids? Don't think about whats best for him - I assure you he is already doing that himself. Think about whats best for you, then arrange your life that way.
That's the hard thing, I am thinking about my kids they love him. He spends time with them, especially my son he teaches him stuff about cars shows him how to mend things etc, he takes him off and spends boy time with him! He has music clashes with my daughter and sits and watches movies with them both when I have to work! They would miss him if he wasn't here and I guess that is one of the main reasons I don't want to push him, because their own dad does not give them the quality time he does!"
So why aren't you saying all these things to him? I know we're a wonderful crowd on the forums, but we are not you, and we are not him. You sound like you know what you want, so go and talk to him. |
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By *iewMan
over a year ago
Forum Mod Angus & Findhorn |
" was kind of hoping some of the men on this site could give me an insight to the male mind. "
I did, you seem to be focusing your answers to the females and couples or people who may lean to the answer you want........ |
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"Take control of your life. Go for what you want and don't let anyone hold you back.
Stop offering people who will take advantage help, even if it benefits you.
I'd personally ask him to leave, get him to prove that you can trust him. He'll either commit to you or go.
Either way you'll know where you stand and can move on with your life and get it the way you want it.
Last time I had this conversation with him I did tell him it was over. The affect was that he opened up to me and what he told me helped me to understand a lot of things about him. I agreed to carry on but thought he was planning on moving out anyway, you see he said when he moves out he sees no reason for us to change and that he wants us to still be together! Yet he has made no move to leave! Guess I am going to have to bite the bullet and actually ask him when he is planning on moving out.
As I said, what reason does he have to make a move to leave?
His reason to me as to why he wants his own place is to prove to himself he can do it on his own and he wants to have keys to his own front door! I would have thought that was reason enough! I know I am going to have to force the issue again, was kind of hoping some of the men on this site could give me an insight to the male mind. "
Men arent all the same though. There is absolutely no point in asking a stranger what is going through the mind of someone he doesn't know.
He has no reason to move out, you are working hard to ensure he's comfortable where he is.
I know you think I'm harsh but I don't mean it that way I'm attempting to get you to realise that you need to address the situation with the person actually involved in it rather than keep asking us in the hope that eventually somebody will tell you what you want to hear. |
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" was kind of hoping some of the men on this site could give me an insight to the male mind.
I did, you seem to be focusing your answers to the females and couples or people who may lean to the answer you want........"
Ok so let me ask you, as a bloke why do you think he is still here, he was given the opportunity to leave, but like I said he opened up and I really felt like he was being open and honest! I know the signs when he lies so I knew he wasn't! Is he just struggling with commitment maybe! Is he scared? He has his own baggage I know! |
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" was kind of hoping some of the men on this site could give me an insight to the male mind.
I did, you seem to be focusing your answers to the females and couples or people who may lean to the answer you want........
Ok so let me ask you, as a bloke why do you think he is still here, he was given the opportunity to leave, but like I said he opened up and I really felt like he was being open and honest! I know the signs when he lies so I knew he wasn't! Is he just struggling with commitment maybe! Is he scared? He has his own baggage I know! "
I'm not a bloke but how on earth do you expect somebody who doesn't know him to answer that?
Are you afraid that if you issue an ultimatum he will move out?
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By *iewMan
over a year ago
Forum Mod Angus & Findhorn |
" was kind of hoping some of the men on this site could give me an insight to the male mind.
I did, you seem to be focusing your answers to the females and couples or people who may lean to the answer you want........
Ok so let me ask you, as a bloke why do you think he is still here, he was given the opportunity to leave, but like I said he opened up and I really felt like he was being open and honest! I know the signs when he lies so I knew he wasn't! Is he just struggling with commitment maybe! Is he scared? He has his own baggage I know! "
ask him........ we have one side of events, we can give an opinion based on that and that is unfair to him......
but, he cheated on you, you contacted him, you allowed him to move into your family home, you mislead your children with mixed messages or them building a relationship with him yet he sleeps on the couch....
you want him to commit to you in a way that he hasn't said he wants to....
Ultimatum time.......
and I back to my first post, only HE can tell you.
good luck |
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"Take control of your life. Go for what you want and don't let anyone hold you back.
Stop offering people who will take advantage help, even if it benefits you.
I'd personally ask him to leave, get him to prove that you can trust him. He'll either commit to you or go.
Either way you'll know where you stand and can move on with your life and get it the way you want it.
Last time I had this conversation with him I did tell him it was over. The affect was that he opened up to me and what he told me helped me to understand a lot of things about him. I agreed to carry on but thought he was planning on moving out anyway, you see he said when he moves out he sees no reason for us to change and that he wants us to still be together! Yet he has made no move to leave! Guess I am going to have to bite the bullet and actually ask him when he is planning on moving out.
As I said, what reason does he have to make a move to leave?
His reason to me as to why he wants his own place is to prove to himself he can do it on his own and he wants to have keys to his own front door! I would have thought that was reason enough! I know I am going to have to force the issue again, was kind of hoping some of the men on this site could give me an insight to the male mind.
Men arent all the same though. There is absolutely no point in asking a stranger what is going through the mind of someone he doesn't know.
He has no reason to move out, you are working hard to ensure he's comfortable where he is.
I know you think I'm harsh but I don't mean it that way I'm attempting to get you to realise that you need to address the situation with the person actually involved in it rather than keep asking us in the hope that eventually somebody will tell you what you want to hear."
I don't think you are harsh at all you are saying it how you see it! Which is generally what I do. I am getting the answers I expected to see to be fair! Sometimes we already know what has got to be done, but it is not always black and white and other factors have to be taken into consideration! It is helpful to hear what other people have to say! Confirms my own thoughts! Ultimately only I can deal with this, I just need to work out the best way to do it!  |
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"You see I think if he moves out and has that time on his own it will give him time to really think about what he wants. Then if he comes back it is for the right reason?
You've answered your own question. "
I agree, unfortunately he is getting his cake and eating it. So no need to actually invest properly in the cake  |
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"Take control of your life. Go for what you want and don't let anyone hold you back.
Stop offering people who will take advantage help, even if it benefits you.
I'd personally ask him to leave, get him to prove that you can trust him. He'll either commit to you or go.
Either way you'll know where you stand and can move on with your life and get it the way you want it.
Last time I had this conversation with him I did tell him it was over. The affect was that he opened up to me and what he told me helped me to understand a lot of things about him. I agreed to carry on but thought he was planning on moving out anyway, you see he said when he moves out he sees no reason for us to change and that he wants us to still be together! Yet he has made no move to leave! Guess I am going to have to bite the bullet and actually ask him when he is planning on moving out.
As I said, what reason does he have to make a move to leave?
His reason to me as to why he wants his own place is to prove to himself he can do it on his own and he wants to have keys to his own front door! I would have thought that was reason enough! I know I am going to have to force the issue again, was kind of hoping some of the men on this site could give me an insight to the male mind.
Men arent all the same though. There is absolutely no point in asking a stranger what is going through the mind of someone he doesn't know.
He has no reason to move out, you are working hard to ensure he's comfortable where he is.
I know you think I'm harsh but I don't mean it that way I'm attempting to get you to realise that you need to address the situation with the person actually involved in it rather than keep asking us in the hope that eventually somebody will tell you what you want to hear.
I don't think you are harsh at all you are saying it how you see it! Which is generally what I do. I am getting the answers I expected to see to be fair! Sometimes we already know what has got to be done, but it is not always black and white and other factors have to be taken into consideration! It is helpful to hear what other people have to say! Confirms my own thoughts! Ultimately only I can deal with this, I just need to work out the best way to do it! "
Good. I wish you the best of luck and hope that whatever the outcome it's the best one for all concerned. |
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How is what he is doing not confusing your kids? I know my kids accepted my partner as soon as we were a serious item and when he moved in, they started calling him their step dad because of the way we are together. Kids see things how they are and what they are seeing now would be confusing for sure. I would not want any of my children to see that is it acceptable for anyone to be in this type of relationship - because they may follow the pattern. I may be extreme, because I did not date or meet any men for seven years when my children were growing up because I needed to be sure their heads were not messed up by any confusion on my part. |
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"How is what he is doing not confusing your kids? I know my kids accepted my partner as soon as we were a serious item and when he moved in, they started calling him their step dad because of the way we are together. Kids see things how they are and what they are seeing now would be confusing for sure. I would not want any of my children to see that is it acceptable for anyone to be in this type of relationship - because they may follow the pattern. I may be extreme, because I did not date or meet any men for seven years when my children were growing up because I needed to be sure their heads were not messed up by any confusion on my part. "
My children don't see our relationship! They think we are just friends! We are not affectionate with each other around them! They see him as my friend and lodger, but they treat him like family as he treats them well and we do all do things together! Like days out in the summer and recently it was their birthdays and we all went out to eat etc |
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"How is what he is doing not confusing your kids? I know my kids accepted my partner as soon as we were a serious item and when he moved in, they started calling him their step dad because of the way we are together. Kids see things how they are and what they are seeing now would be confusing for sure. I would not want any of my children to see that is it acceptable for anyone to be in this type of relationship - because they may follow the pattern. I may be extreme, because I did not date or meet any men for seven years when my children were growing up because I needed to be sure their heads were not messed up by any confusion on my part.
My children don't see our relationship! They think we are just friends! We are not affectionate with each other around them! They see him as my friend and lodger, but they treat him like family as he treats them well and we do all do things together! Like days out in the summer and recently it was their birthdays and we all went out to eat etc "
I think that is confusing as he is obviously your significant other. Children do not focus on seeing the 'relationship' side (affection/sex) in the same way as adults - they see the friendship as the relationship and the constancy of someone being there - or do they see him like a surrogate uncle? Personally I can't see this as anything but being more confusing. |
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By *yrdwomanWoman
over a year ago
Putting the 'cum' in Eboracum |
"How is what he is doing not confusing your kids? I know my kids accepted my partner as soon as we were a serious item and when he moved in, they started calling him their step dad because of the way we are together. Kids see things how they are and what they are seeing now would be confusing for sure. I would not want any of my children to see that is it acceptable for anyone to be in this type of relationship - because they may follow the pattern. I may be extreme, because I did not date or meet any men for seven years when my children were growing up because I needed to be sure their heads were not messed up by any confusion on my part.
My children don't see our relationship! They think we are just friends! We are not affectionate with each other around them! They see him as my friend and lodger, but they treat him like family as he treats them well and we do all do things together! Like days out in the summer and recently it was their birthdays and we all went out to eat etc "
Children see and know much more than you think. Once you have sorted this out they'll be more settled in their own minds as to whats going on. |
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"How is what he is doing not confusing your kids? I know my kids accepted my partner as soon as we were a serious item and when he moved in, they started calling him their step dad because of the way we are together. Kids see things how they are and what they are seeing now would be confusing for sure. I would not want any of my children to see that is it acceptable for anyone to be in this type of relationship - because they may follow the pattern. I may be extreme, because I did not date or meet any men for seven years when my children were growing up because I needed to be sure their heads were not messed up by any confusion on my part.
My children don't see our relationship! They think we are just friends! We are not affectionate with each other around them! They see him as my friend and lodger, but they treat him like family as he treats them well and we do all do things together! Like days out in the summer and recently it was their birthdays and we all went out to eat etc
Children see and know much more than you think. Once you have sorted this out they'll be more settled in their own minds as to whats going on."
In all honesty my children don't seem unsettled at all, they like having him around, my Concern is that they will miss him if he is not here. That for me is the hardest thing, I broke their world when I ended my marriage to their dad! My son especially struggled with it. I don't want to see them lose someone else....... |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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" was kind of hoping some of the men on this site could give me an insight to the male mind.
I did, you seem to be focusing your answers to the females and couples or people who may lean to the answer you want........
Ok so let me ask you, as a bloke why do you think he is still here, he was given the opportunity to leave, but like I said he opened up and I really felt like he was being open and honest! I know the signs when he lies so I knew he wasn't! Is he just struggling with commitment maybe! Is he scared? He has his own baggage I know! "
Men will say anything for a shag. Especially if cheap rent is included. |
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" was kind of hoping some of the men on this site could give me an insight to the male mind.
I did, you seem to be focusing your answers to the females and couples or people who may lean to the answer you want........
Ok so let me ask you, as a bloke why do you think he is still here, he was given the opportunity to leave, but like I said he opened up and I really felt like he was being open and honest! I know the signs when he lies so I knew he wasn't! Is he just struggling with commitment maybe! Is he scared? He has his own baggage I know!
Men will say anything for a shag. Especially if cheap rent is included. "
This is true. In all honesty if I was offered a similar deal I'd probably take it, all the comforts of home, none of the responsibility. |
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Well that was a quick and easy conversation! He came back from seeing his kids for the day!
I said " can I ask you something ?"
He said "yes"
I said " when are you planning on getting your own place?"
He said " funny I was debating that the other day"
I said " what exactly were you debating?"
He said " how much I can afford "
He then said " why do you ask?"
I said" because we had this conversation months ago and you haven't done anything about it"
He said " I will get on it tonight"
Conversation done!
Now it's just a waiting game to see what happens next!
Thanks for the advice everyone x |
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