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I love my little old lady friend...
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...she's disgraceful!
I was helping her trim her bush in the garden and she started making little purring noises and then little yelps before declaring the experience 'orgasmic'.
She then went on at length telling me to 'do it harder', 'get right in there with your hands', and 'go faster'... Whilst making more noises...
Then she declared that her son 'was a little bit bigger than me but I had much better technique'.
lolololololol, says I, I'll go round the back and sort out your rear.
She's 73.
I hope the neighbours had a heart attacks.
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Last time I went over I took my 6 yr old daughter, who was as good as gold.
Little old lady friend, who usually swears like a navvie with piles, was trying to keep a lid on it on my daughter's account.
She replaced 'cunt' with 'fanny' in conversation but kept up a constant stream of 'fucks'.
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Last time I went over I took my 6 yr old daughter, who was as good as gold.
Little old lady friend, who usually swears like a navvie with piles, was trying to keep a lid on it on my daughter's account.
She replaced 'cunt' with 'fanny' in conversation but kept up a constant stream of 'fucks'.
"
I aspire to be like that when I get old(er). |
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"This is the woman who gave birth to her fourth child whilst on acid.
Beat that for extreme experience!
 eh? "
Yep. She was living with a bunch of hippies at the time and wasn't due for 3 weeks. Someone offered her a tab and she thought, well, I'll have a child clamped to my tit for the next 6 months so I might as well do it now.
She said that after a couple hours, she realised that the pink-red-purple waves she was seeing were in fact contractions.
She couldn't avoid the acid and she couldn't avoid the baby.
The hippies all thought this was a great honour.
My little old lady friend looked at the scene, assessed it and decided it was better to call an ambulance... |
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"I love the sound of your little old lady.
I think I want my own little old lady.
My only criteria is that she doesn't read the Daily Mail. "
She does - but only
a) for the TV pages
b) to see what the enemy are thinking
I told her she'll end up with an over-active bile duct is she continues. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"This is the woman who gave birth to her fourth child whilst on acid.
Beat that for extreme experience!
eh?
Yep. She was living with a bunch of hippies at the time and wasn't due for 3 weeks. Someone offered her a tab and she thought, well, I'll have a child clamped to my tit for the next 6 months so I might as well do it now.
She said that after a couple hours, she realised that the pink-red-purple waves she was seeing were in fact contractions.
She couldn't avoid the acid and she couldn't avoid the baby.
The hippies all thought this was a great honour.
My little old lady friend looked at the scene, assessed it and decided it was better to call an ambulance... "
Loooool at hippies thinking it was a great honour! A gift from the universe, I expect. She sounds one in a million |
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"I love the sound of your little old lady.
I think I want my own little old lady.
My only criteria is that she doesn't read the Daily Mail.
She does - but only
a) for the TV pages
b) to see what the enemy are thinking
I told her she'll end up with an over-active bile duct is she continues. "
I think my blood pressure has just rocketed. I'm going to take myself outside for a smoke!
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She has recently given up smoking, now she has been diagnosed with a lung problem.
She was in hospital for the second time this year, last month.
When she got out I went to see her and asked how she was doing.
"It was dreadful," she said, "to wake up and see those words INTENSIVE CARE again. At least time I didn't call anyone a cunt."
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Your little old lady sounds much more interesting than any of mine (although I haven't got one at the moment). Our first we called Nan,we claimed her one warm day when she rested on our wall. We offered her a cool drink,which she took but didn't want to come in for a cuppa. We adopted her and took turns visiting her. We would have loved it if she swore and had old stories to tell. She was 90 something when she died. I rescued an old d*unk lady from a flooded gutter one rainy night. The cab had pulled away and she fell into the road and couldn't get up. I got a neighbour to help me pick her up; I got her into her house and retrieved her bed covers and nightdress from upstairs,so she didn't have to. I feel sad now  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Your little old lady sounds much more interesting than any of mine (although I haven't got one at the moment). Our first we called Nan,we claimed her one warm day when she rested on our wall. We offered her a cool drink,which she took but didn't want to come in for a cuppa. We adopted her and took turns visiting her. We would have loved it if she swore and had old stories to tell. She was 90 something when she died. I rescued an old d*unk lady from a flooded gutter one rainy night. The cab had pulled away and she fell into the road and couldn't get up. I got a neighbour to help me pick her up; I got her into her house and retrieved her bed covers and nightdress from upstairs,so she didn't have to. I feel sad now "
Aww.  You did a good thing.
There was an amazing old lady on here once called BadNanna. She was pretty cool. I miss her lots. |
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"Your little old lady sounds much more interesting than any of mine (although I haven't got one at the moment). Our first we called Nan,we claimed her one warm day when she rested on our wall. We offered her a cool drink,which she took but didn't want to come in for a cuppa. We adopted her and took turns visiting her. We would have loved it if she swore and had old stories to tell. She was 90 something when she died. I rescued an old d*unk lady from a flooded gutter one rainy night. The cab had pulled away and she fell into the road and couldn't get up. I got a neighbour to help me pick her up; I got her into her house and retrieved her bed covers and nightdress from upstairs,so she didn't have to. I feel sad now "
Keep people in touch, and keep in touch with people.
I talk about death a fair bit with mine. It's kinda weird but she's like that. So. |
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Your kind of lady !
