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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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Read this a while back in a book I picked up in a charity shop. Thought I'd share it. Just a bit of humour on this horribly rainy day......
HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A WOMAN.
Take off clothing and place it in laundry hampers according to lights, darks, whites, man-made or natural.
Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If husband seen along the way cover up any exposed flesh and rush to the bathroom.
Look at womanly physique in the mirror and stick out belly. Complain and whine about getting fat.
Get in shower. Look for facecloth, arm cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.
Wash hair twice with cucumber and grapefruit shampoo with 83 added vitamins.
Condition hair with cucumber and grapefruit conditioner with enhanced natural crocus oil. Leave on hair for 15 minutes.
Wash face with crushed apricot scrub for ten minutes until red raw.
Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash.
Rinse conditioner off hair taking at least 15 minutes to make sure that it's all come off.
Shave armpits and legs. Consider shaving bikini area but decide to get it waxed instead.
Scream loudly when husband flushes toilet and water loses pressure and turns red hot.
Turns off shower. Wipe all surfaces in shower. Dry with towel the size of small African country.
Wrap hair in super absorbent second towel.
Check entire body for remotest sign of spots.
Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.
Spend the next hour and half getting dressed.
HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A MAN
Take off clothes while sitting on bed and leave them in a pile.
Walk naked to bathroom.
If wife seen, shake wedding tackle at her while shouting "Woo, Woo!"
Look in mirror and suck in gut to see your manly physique. Admire size of penis in mirror, scratch balls and smell fingers.
Get in shower.
Don't bother to look for wash cloth, don't need one.
Wash face.
Wash armpits.
Laugh at how loud farts sound in the shower.
Wash balls and the surrounding area.
Wash arse, leaving hair on soap.
Shampoo hair but do not use conditioner.
Make Mohican hairstyle with shampoo. Pull back curtain to see self in mirror.
Pee in shower, aiming for the plug hole.
Rinse off and get out of shower. Fail to notice water on floor because shower curtain outside bath for whole shower time.
Partially dry off.
Look at self in mirror, flex muscles and admire size of wedding tackle again.
Leave shower curtain open and wet bath mat on floor.
Leave bathroom light and fan on.
Return to bedroom with towel around waist. If you pass wife, pull off towel, grab wedding tackle, go "Yeah baby" and thrust pelvis at her.
Fart twice.
Put on yesterday's clothes.  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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The bit about the shower turning red hot is very applicable in our house, but in reverse. Many's the time I've been showering and the water has gone stone cold because Siren's turned the hot tap on downstairs.   |
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