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Wittiness
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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I love reading some of the witty post on the forums and having a giggle so please can we have a nice witty thread for me to giggle at, maybe some jokes too (I love them but can't tell them) 
Over to you guys, please make me laugh  |
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By *icentiousCouple
over a year ago
Up on them there hills |
A vampire bat turns to his mate and says, 'gosh I'm hungry, go to have to get some blood'.
His mate replies, 'you can't, it's broad daylight, you'll never find any'.
The other said, ' I'm going to have to go' and flew off.
10 minutes later he's back, face covered in blood.
His mate asked, 'you got some then?'
The other just gesticulated for him to follow him to the mouth of the cave.
'See that oak tree?' he asked.
'No,' was the reply.
'Neither did I.'
 |
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"The man who wrote the okey y song died last week.
It took them 3 hours to put him in his coffin.
They put his left leg in... Left leg out... In out in out and shake it all about
"
I sleep like a baby...
I wake up screaming at 2:30 every morning |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Got this on a WhatsApp message today and made me giggle :
-It takes 7 seconds for food to pass from mouth to stomach.
-A human hair can hold 3kg in weight.
-The length of a penis is three times the length of a man's thumb.
-The femur is hard as concrete.
-A woman's heart beats faster than a man's heart.
-We use 300 muscles to keep balance when we stand.
Most women have read this entire text. Some men are still looking at their thumbs.
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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Anna realized that she had grown hair between her legs. She got worried and asked her mom about that hair.
Her mom calmly said: "That part where the hair has grown is called Monkey, be proud that your monkey has grown hair." the girl smiled. At dinner, she told her sister: "My monkey has grown hair." Her sister smiled and said: "That’s nothing, mine is already eating bananas." |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"Got this on a WhatsApp message today and made me giggle :
-It takes 7 seconds for food to pass from mouth to stomach.
-A human hair can hold 3kg in weight.
-The length of a penis is three times the length of a man's thumb.
-The femur is hard as concrete.
-A woman's heart beats faster than a man's heart.
-We use 300 muscles to keep balance when we stand.
Most women have read this entire text. Some men are still looking at their thumbs.
"
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"Got this on a WhatsApp message today and made me giggle :
-It takes 7 seconds for food to pass from mouth to stomach.
-A human hair can hold 3kg in weight.
-The length of a penis is three times the length of a man's thumb.
-The femur is hard as concrete.
-A woman's heart beats faster than a man's heart.
-We use 300 muscles to keep balance when we stand.
Most women have read this entire text. Some men are still looking at their thumbs.
"
 |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Police came round to my house today, and told me that my dog was chasing someone on a bike.
I told them it cant be my dog, as my dog doesn't even have a bike. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"Got this on a WhatsApp message today and made me giggle :
-It takes 7 seconds for food to pass from mouth to stomach.
-A human hair can hold 3kg in weight.
-The length of a penis is three times the length of a man's thumb.
-The femur is hard as concrete.
-A woman's heart beats faster than a man's heart.
-We use 300 muscles to keep balance when we stand.
Most women have read this entire text. Some men are still looking at their thumbs.
"
A man arrives 10 minutes late for work, and is confronted by his furious boss
'What time do you call THIS?!' he booms
'Sir I'm really sorry, I was up good and early, because I had to take my wife to work first. She was ready in five minutes, then we got stuck in traffic, followed by roadworks, then a meteor shower struck so we had to take a detour, then I was kidnapped by Aliens and had to fight my way free and use their teleporter to get back to Earth, I was running terribly late by the time I arrived that I sped over an opening bridge and JUST managed to leap it! That's why I'm 10 minutes late sir.'
'Ha, do you take me for a fool?' replies his boss
'No woman can get ready in five minutes!' |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"The man who wrote the okey y song died last week.
It took them 3 hours to put him in his coffin.
They put his left leg in... Left leg out... In out in out and shake it all about
I sleep like a baby...
I wake up screaming at 2:30 every morning"
And realise you have shat yourself? |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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A Shopworker feels horny and decides to have a wank there and then. Frapping away he hears the owner approaching, he panics and shoves his cock in the till.
"You look happy!" says the owner.
"Yeah," replies the worker, "I've just come into some money." |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question. As he turns to go to the front desk, he acciedently bumbs into a woman besides him, and as he does his elbow goes into her breast. They are both quite starled. The man turns to her and says, "ma'am if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me". She replies, "if your penis is as hard as your elbow, im in room 436. |
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got this from whatsapp:
..A couple decided to commit suicide after going through a really hard time...So they decided to jump off a building. When they got to the top of building, they both counted 3..The woman jumped but the man stayed. He watched her fall for 3 seconds and saw her pull out a parachute. Who Betrayed Who..? |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"*cringes* i'm going to have to change my definition of wittiness i think.
OP you'll find wittiness only works in context. "
The Op did ask for jokes too in her opening post.  |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"got this from whatsapp:
..A couple decided to commit suicide after going through a really hard time...So they decided to jump off a building. When they got to the top of building, they both counted 3..The woman jumped but the man stayed. He watched her fall for 3 seconds and saw her pull out a parachute. Who Betrayed Who..?"
I said witty |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"*cringes* i'm going to have to change my definition of wittiness i think.
OP you'll find wittiness only works in context.
The Op did ask for jokes too in her opening post. "
I did
They've made me laugh |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"*cringes* i'm going to have to change my definition of wittiness i think.
OP you'll find wittiness only works in context.
The Op did ask for jokes too in her opening post. "
Assuming it was she and not he posting. X |
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"Two cannibals are eating a clown.
"'Ere," one say t'other, " does this taste funny to you?""
Then one said...."Ere, ear?" To which the other one replied...."no I already had one, that one's yours". |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"*cringes* i'm going to have to change my definition of wittiness i think.
OP you'll find wittiness only works in context.
The Op did ask for jokes too in her opening post.
Assuming it was she and not he posting. X"
it always is, Mr doesn't use the forums often |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"Two cannibals are eating a clown.
"'Ere," one say t'other, " does this taste funny to you?"
Then one said...."Ere, ear?" To which the other one replied...."no I already had one, that one's yours". "
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"Two cannibals are eating a clown.
"'Ere," one say t'other, " does this taste funny to you?"
Then one said...."Ere, ear?" To which the other one replied...."no I already had one, that one's yours".
"
Touché
*doffs bowler*
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"****NSFW***** BAD TASTE ALERT****
Whats the difference between period blood and sand?
I cant gargle sand.
 did you have to "
Sorry it was the last joke I heard |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"****NSFW***** BAD TASTE ALERT****
Whats the difference between period blood and sand?
I cant gargle sand.
did you have to
Sorry it was the last joke I heard"
Where do you hear your jokes  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"****NSFW***** BAD TASTE ALERT****
Whats the difference between period blood and sand?
I cant gargle sand.
did you have to
Sorry it was the last joke I heard
Where do you hear your jokes "
Thats tame compared to the banter at work |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"****NSFW***** BAD TASTE ALERT****
Whats the difference between period blood and sand?
I cant gargle sand.
did you have to
Sorry it was the last joke I heard
Where do you hear your jokes
Thats tame compared to the banter at work "
Ok I believe you, don't post anymore of those 1s |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"****NSFW***** BAD TASTE ALERT****
Whats the difference between period blood and sand?
I cant gargle sand.
did you have to
Sorry it was the last joke I heard
Where do you hear your jokes
Thats tame compared to the banter at work
Ok I believe you, don't post anymore of those 1s "
It was once brought up in my friends annual review that in the works canteen he had managed to get buggery and disembowelment into the same sentence... |
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By *inaTitzTV/TS
over a year ago
Titz Towers, North Notts |
All my own work.
Why is it only OAPs and Pharoahs get taken in by Pyramid selling schemes?
Russian names. Ivan – a terrible name. Peter - a Great name. Rasputin – still a silly name that will get your kid beaten up in the playground, whichever way you look at it.
Pilates, training OAPs to be slow motion ninjas. Ideal if Steve Austin tries to mug them.
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I was exercising my greyhound in the park and this guy comes over and says "he's fast have you ever considered racing him ?" I replied " fuck that never again I tried it once ended up in an oxygen tent then 3 days in hospital " x |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"****NSFW***** BAD TASTE ALERT****
Whats the difference between period blood and sand?
I cant gargle sand.
did you have to
Sorry it was the last joke I heard
Where do you hear your jokes
Thats tame compared to the banter at work
Ok I believe you, don't post anymore of those 1s
It was once brought up in my friends annual review that in the works canteen he had managed to get buggery and disembowelment into the same sentence..."
I wouldn't want be a fly on the wall in that canteen then |
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There are two Lions stalking through the Savannah one day.
One Lion turns to the other and says "Hey, why the long face?"
The other Lion turns round and replies "My teeth are hurting but I'm too scared to go to the dentist."
|
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"*cringes* i'm going to have to change my definition of wittiness i think.
OP you'll find wittiness only works in context.
The Op did ask for jokes too in her opening post.
Assuming it was she and not he posting. X
it always is, Mr doesn't use the forums often "
Snap xx |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"*cringes* i'm going to have to change my definition of wittiness i think.
OP you'll find wittiness only works in context.
The Op did ask for jokes too in her opening post.
Assuming it was she and not he posting. X
it always is, Mr doesn't use the forums often
Snap xx"
|
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"There are two Lions stalking through the Savannah one day.
One Lion turns to the other and says "Hey, why the long face?"
The other Lion turns round and replies "My teeth are hurting but I'm too scared to go to the dentist."
"
Too soon ! |
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A man walks into a bar, sits down, and orders a drink. The bartender gives him his drink, accompanied by a bowl of peanuts.
To his surprise, a voice comes from the peanut bowl. "You look great tonight!" it said. "You really look fantastic... And that aftershave is just wonderful!"
The man is obviously a little confused, but tries to ignore it.
Realizing he has no cigarettes, he wanders over to the cigarette machine. After inserting his money, another voice emits from the machine. "You BASTARD... Oh my god you STINK... Do you know, you're almost as ugly as your mother."
By now, the man is extremely perplexed. He turns to the bartender for an explanation.
"Ah yes sir," the bartender responds, "The peanuts are complimentary, but the cigarette machine is out of order." |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"A man walks into a bar, sits down, and orders a drink. The bartender gives him his drink, accompanied by a bowl of peanuts.
To his surprise, a voice comes from the peanut bowl. "You look great tonight!" it said. "You really look fantastic... And that aftershave is just wonderful!"
The man is obviously a little confused, but tries to ignore it.
Realizing he has no cigarettes, he wanders over to the cigarette machine. After inserting his money, another voice emits from the machine. "You BASTARD... Oh my god you STINK... Do you know, you're almost as ugly as your mother."
By now, the man is extremely perplexed. He turns to the bartender for an explanation.
"Ah yes sir," the bartender responds, "The peanuts are complimentary, but the cigarette machine is out of order.""
|
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
Why are women better than men?
They can bury a stiff without a shovel, bleed for a week without dying and produce milk without eating grass.
And get a meet on Fab |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
WOMAN'S DIARY - 27 June 2009 Saturday
Saw him in the evening and he was acting really strangely. I'd been
shopping in the afternoon with the girls and was a bit late meeting him,
thought it might be that. The bar was really crowded and loud, so I
suggested we go somewhere quieter to talk. He was still very subdued
and distracted so I suggested we went somewhere nice to eat. All
through dinner he just didn't seem himself - he hardly laughed and
didn't seem to be paying any attention to me or to what I was saying, I
just knew that something was wrong.
He dropped me back home and I wondered if he was going to come in, He
hesitated but followed. I asked him what was wrong, but he just half
shook his head and turned the television on. After about ten minutes of
silence I said that I was going upstairs to bed, I put my arms around
him and told him that I loved him deeply, he just gave a sigh and a sad
sort of smile. He didn't follow me up immediately but came up later and,
to my surprise, we made love - but he still seemed distant and a bit
cold.
I cried myself to sleep - I think he's planning to leave me - maybe he's
found someone else.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
MAN'S DIARY - Saturday 27 June
We lost the rugby. Gutted. Got laid though |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I was at tesco yesterday and a woman dropped dead right in front of me....I felt really sorry for her, she had just bought a bag for life!!!"
PMSL, i got this far down in the thread before I actually laughed out loud. Very funny te he, appeals to my sense of humour xx |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Got this on a WhatsApp message today and made me giggle :
-It takes 7 seconds for food to pass from mouth to stomach.
-A human hair can hold 3kg in weight.
-The length of a penis is three times the length of a man's thumb.
-The femur is hard as concrete.
-A woman's heart beats faster than a man's heart.
-We use 300 muscles to keep balance when we stand.
Most women have read this entire text. Some men are still looking at their thumbs.
"
OMG is actually crying at this lol lol lol xx |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"Ask me if I'm a lorry driver...
Are you a lorry driver?
No.
ok I fell for that 1"
Much better in person...need the quizzical look and dramatic pause before the deadpan delivery  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"I thought this thread was about being witty.
And telling jokes, people like to tell jokes more obviously
Feel free to add some wit "
I just feel a bit robbed is all.
Could a mod please rename this thread "silly jokes".
Thanks. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"I thought this thread was about being witty.
And telling jokes, people like to tell jokes more obviously
Feel free to add some wit
I just feel a bit robbed is all.
Could a mod please rename this thread "silly jokes".
Thanks."
Biatch! |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"A man walks into a bar, sits down, and orders a drink. The bartender gives him his drink, accompanied by a bowl of peanuts.
To his surprise, a voice comes from the peanut bowl. "You look great tonight!" it said. "You really look fantastic... And that aftershave is just wonderful!"
The man is obviously a little confused, but tries to ignore it.
Realizing he has no cigarettes, he wanders over to the cigarette machine. After inserting his money, another voice emits from the machine. "You BASTARD... Oh my god you STINK... Do you know, you're almost as ugly as your mother."
By now, the man is extremely perplexed. He turns to the bartender for an explanation.
"Ah yes sir," the bartender responds, "The peanuts are complimentary, but the cigarette machine is out of order.""
|
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
A mother was at a wedding with her daughter, when the little girl asked why is the bride dressed in white.
Not wishing to go into detail while the service was going on she just replied quickly.
Well this is the happiest day of her life so she wears white to show how happy she is.
The little girl listens thinks for a while then asks her mum ...........
So why is the Groom dressed in black |
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