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How to wipe ones bum
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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So I noticed something funny on a bag of andrex toilet roll that made me chuckle
There are bum wiping instructions on the back.
Apparently in a recent survey they found people were wiping incorrectly...
What do you make of this?
"toilet humour welcomed in this thread" |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"Pull off about 8 to 10 squares. Hold each end. Then start flossing. How difficult can it be x"
I add a little hip movement and make speaking sounds for more effective wipage |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Pull off about 8 to 10 squares. Hold each end. Then start flossing. How difficult can it be x
I add a little hip movement and make speaking sounds for more effective wipage"
Oh of course. That's obvious  so what do the instructions say? X |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"Pull off about 8 to 10 squares. Hold each end. Then start flossing. How difficult can it be x
I add a little hip movement and make speaking sounds for more effective wipage
Oh of course. That's obvious so what do the instructions say? X"
Use 3-4 sheets per wipe
Wipe from front to back
Use 1-2 andrex washers to feel cleaner
Pat dry with toilet tissue
Always wash hands with soap
Just incase you did already |
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By *errygTV/TS
over a year ago
denton |
"I thought the paper was just for show, we've been buying a new labrador puppy every 3 months"
should imagine a puppy would be nice n soft to wipe your arse, then the puppy licks itself clean
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I'm still waiting to find out exactly what the "Three Sea Shells" actually are???
Ha... She doesn't know how to use the 3 sea shells"
Guess I'll just have to keep using the swear box paper!!!!! |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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All ways wipe front to back because if you are a woman germs can go from your back passage to your fanny ,toilet wet wipes are best ,then always wash hands .. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Army wipe - 1 sheet.
Fold in half and again and again.
Tear off pointy bit.
Unfold.
Put finger through hole.
Place circle on end of finger.
Use finger to clean bum.
Wipe finger with paper as you take it off finger.
DO NOT pick nose... |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"Pull off about 8 to 10 squares. Hold each end. Then start flossing. How difficult can it be x
I add a little hip movement and make speaking sounds for more effective wipage
Oh of course. That's obvious so what do the instructions say? X
Use 3-4 sheets per wipe
Wipe from front to back
Use 1-2 andrex washers to feel cleaner
Pat dry with toilet tissue
Always wash hands with soap
Just incase you did already"
 my Butler has it down to a tee   |
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When theres only one sheet left....
Tear out a small, round piece of paper from the centre of the sheet, making a hole just large enough to stick your finger through. Put the small piece to one side for a moment.
Stick your finger throught the hole, so that the sheet is level with your second knuckle.
Stick that finger up your bum hole an twist.
Remove finger from bum hole.
Bum is clean, but finger is dirty. To clean finger....
Now, using your other hand, grasp the sheet of paper from below, so that the paper wraps around and over your (shitty) finger. Grasping the paper tightly, pull it off your finger, thus cleaning the shit of your finger.
Now, remember the small piece of paper you put to one side?
Use that to clean underneath your finger nail..
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"When theres only one sheet left....
Tear out a small, round piece of paper from the centre of the sheet, making a hole just large enough to stick your finger through. Put the small piece to one side for a moment.
Stick your finger throught the hole, so that the sheet is level with your second knuckle.
Stick that finger up your bum hole an twist.
Remove finger from bum hole.
Bum is clean, but finger is dirty. To clean finger....
Now, using your other hand, grasp the sheet of paper from below, so that the paper wraps around and over your (shitty) finger. Grasping the paper tightly, pull it off your finger, thus cleaning the shit of your finger.
Now, remember the small piece of paper you put to one side?
Use that to clean underneath your finger nail..
"
 |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I'm still waiting to find out exactly what the "Three Sea Shells" actually are???
Ha... She doesn't know how to use the 3 sea shells"
Someone stick me back in the fridge!! |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I'm still waiting to find out exactly what the "Three Sea Shells" actually are???
Ha... She doesn't know how to use the 3 sea shells
Someone stick me back in the fridge!! "
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"When theres only one sheet left....
Tear out a small, round piece of paper from the centre of the sheet, making a hole just large enough to stick your finger through. Put the small piece to one side for a moment.
Stick your finger throught the hole, so that the sheet is level with your second knuckle.
Stick that finger up your bum hole an twist.
Remove finger from bum hole.
Bum is clean, but finger is dirty. To clean finger....
Now, using your other hand, grasp the sheet of paper from below, so that the paper wraps around and over your (shitty) finger. Grasping the paper tightly, pull it off your finger, thus cleaning the shit of your finger.
Now, remember the small piece of paper you put to one side?
Use that to clean underneath your finger nail..
"
See "Army Clean" above  |
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"Just keep on wiping until you can't see any shite on the bog roll......for that squeaky clean feeling finish with a wet wipe "
Do not in any circumstances throw a wet wipe down the bog. they collect and block the drain.  |
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By *ltravioletWoman
over a year ago
In amongst the Unicorns & fairy dust |
"Just keep on wiping until you can't see any shite on the bog roll......for that squeaky clean feeling finish with a wet wipe
Do not in any circumstances throw a wet wipe down the bog. they collect and block the drain. "
i second that plus quilted paper too ! ( my ex is a plumber and the stories don't compare to the cost of unblocking your sewer pipes !!!! On your property not personage before someone gets dirty !!! F@(:/- it I 'll go back to my corner |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Just keep on wiping until you can't see any shite on the bog roll......for that squeaky clean feeling finish with a wet wipe
Do not in any circumstances throw a wet wipe down the bog. they collect and block the drain. "
Wouldn't dream of it 
After I use them I give them a rinse out then use them as coffee filters.....kopi luwak shit coffee ain't a patch on my shit coffee! |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Just keep on wiping until you can't see any shite on the bog roll......for that squeaky clean feeling finish with a wet wipe
Do not in any circumstances throw a wet wipe down the bog. they collect and block the drain. i second that plus quilted paper too ! ( my ex is a plumber and the stories don't compare to the cost of unblocking your sewer pipes !!!! On your property not personage before someone gets dirty !!! F@(:/- it I 'll go back to my corner "
oh god - getting your own pipes inblocked - lets not go there |
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By *artytwoCouple
over a year ago
Wolverhampton |
I would like to know why some fucking animals seem to enjoy leaving streaks and floaters behind. I entered a motorway service 'trap' yesterday and reversed out sharpish due to an enormous yuletide log festering in the bowl. Why do people do this? even our cat covers up its own shit. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Just keep on wiping until you can't see any shite on the bog roll......for that squeaky clean feeling finish with a wet wipe
Do not in any circumstances throw a wet wipe down the bog. they collect and block the drain.
Wouldn't dream of it
After I use them I give them a rinse out then use them as coffee filters.....kopi luwak shit coffee ain't a patch on my shit coffee! "
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By *onyneMan
over a year ago
Newcastle |
I have a friend who was in army cadets when he was young...He told me that he was trained to use one single sheet of loo roll...Instructions were as follows...
Take one sheet and tear a small square out [about an inch square] from the middle...
Push sheet inside with finger going through hole...pull everything out so you are 'clean'...
and then...the final act...use the small square you cut out to clean under you fingernail...
Not joking. That's what he said...Gruesome!
I would have snuck some wet wipes...even to the battle front! |
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"I would like to know why some fucking animals seem to enjoy leaving streaks and floaters behind. I entered a motorway service 'trap' yesterday and reversed out sharpish due to an enormous yuletide log festering in the bowl. Why do people do this? even our cat covers up its own shit."
This made me literally 'lol' |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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A place I used to work had contractors come in about every 8weeks for engineering maintenance. Every time they came in the toilet floor would end up flooded with piss, shit smeared toilet paper, shit smeared walls, bangers and mash left unflushed and toilet seats broken. Chimps would have kept the place cleaner. Why the fuck they did this, I will never know or understand. What the hell do there houses look like? |
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