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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I know a lass called mandy with no arms, quite tragic :-S
Joke time
Knock knock
Whose there?
Not mandy  "
That's very hurtful to Mandy making fun of the fact she has no arms. |
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"A guy walks into a bar and says "Do you serve people with Dreadlocks?" .......
I think you can guess the Rasta  .
Rastathatjoke....
I don't get it  "
Ok, a Rastafarian usually wears Dreadlocks in in his hair......
I made it up and will get ma coat 
I'm here for one joke only  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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A bloke goes into a pub with a Giraffe. After a few pints, the Giraffe passes out on the floor, so the bloke gets up to leave.
The barman says 'Oi, you can't leave that lying there'
And the bloke says 'it's not a Lion mate. It's a Giraffe' |
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I found a joke so awful the other day that I daren't repeat it for fear of being deleted. I was very, very funny.
However...
Two cannibals are eating a clown.
"'Ere," say one to the other, "Does this taste funny to you?" |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Three men at the top of a slide. Told that whatever they shout as they slide down they'll land in at the bottom.
The first man slides down and shouts "Money". He lands in a huge pile of notes.
The second man slides down and shouts "women". He lands surrounded by beautiful women.
The third man, being a typical man, has been waiting so long he forgets what he's supposed to do and simply shouts "weeeeeeeee".
Gets me every time  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Why couldn't it be Mandy?
coz she aint handy still doesn't explain why she can't be at the door
She can't knock on the door with no arms  "
She could knock with her head. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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A little Native American boy asks his dad " hey dad how do we get our names?" His dad replies "when your born we look out the teepee first thing we see we name you after it!, why you asking two dogs fucking?" |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I know a lass called mandy with no arms, quite tragic :-S
Joke time
Knock knock
Whose there?
Not mandy
That's very hurtful to Mandy making fun of the fact she has no arms."
I think Mandy should punch him in the ...oh, wait a minute.... |
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"An Englishman, Irishman and a Scotsman walked into a bar. The barman said "is this some sort of joke?""
*As gravel-voice northern comic*
"There's this Englishman, a Jew and a Pakistani wot go in to a bar...
.
.
.
.
"What a wonderful example of a well integrated community" |
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By *olgateMan
over a year ago
on the road to nowhere in particular |
"An Englishman, Irishman and a Scotsman walked into a bar. The barman said "is this some sort of joke?"
*As gravel-voice northern comic*
"There's this Englishman, a Jew and a Pakistani wot go in to a bar...
.
.
.
.
"What a wonderful example of a well integrated community""
to be fully integrated wouldn't it also contain several woman and a polish builder? |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Old one for you, you'll see why in a second.
We were invited to a Fancy Dress party and the wife couldn't decide what to go as. So she went naked apart from a pair of gloves and a pair of socks.
On arrival, the host enquired as to whether she'd come as Lady Godiva.
"NO!! she said, "I've come as the five of spades." |
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By *icky999Man
over a year ago
warrington |
"
Old one for you, you'll see why in a second.
We were invited to a Fancy Dress party and the wife couldn't decide what to go as. So she went naked apart from a pair of gloves and a pair of socks.
On arrival, the host enquired as to whether she'd come as Lady Godiva.
"NO!! she said, "I've come as the five of spades." "
?? for the stupid amogst us? |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Three men at the top of a slide. Told that whatever they shout as they slide down they'll land in at the bottom.
The first man slides down and shouts "Money". He lands in a huge pile of notes.
The second man slides down and shouts "women". He lands surrounded by beautiful women.
The third man, being a typical man, has been waiting so long he forgets what he's supposed to do and simply shouts "weeeeeeeee".
Gets me every time "
 |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Man goes to a fancy dress party wearing only his boxers.
The host asks what his costume is.
The man says he's a premature ejaculation, he's just come in his pants........
Taxi. |
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My wife and I were going to a fancy dress ball, and decided to go as Adam & Eve. I wrote to a theatrical costumier and asked to hire the requisite costumes. When they arrived, I found that the fig leaf was far too small, and therefore too revealing, so I returned it, explaining that it didn't cover my requirements.
They sent me another one, which I tried, and unfortunately, this also was too small. Once again, I returned it, stating that still, it did not cover my requirements.
I received a letter from the company saying that the fig leaf which I had just returned was the largest that they did, and suggested that I put my requirements in my ear, and go as a petrol pump! |
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There comes a time when a woman just has to trust her husband - for example:
The wife comes home late at night and quietly opens the door to her bedroom. From under the sheets she sees four legs instead of two. She quietly reaches for a baseball bat and starts hitting the sheet as hard as she can for as long as she can. Leaving the covered bodies groaning, she goes to the kitchen to have a drink. As she enters, she sees her husband sitting there, reading a magazine.
"Hi, Sweetheart," he says. "Your parents have come to visit us, so I let them stay in our bedroom. Did you say Hello?" |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I went to a fortune teller who advertised "the answer to any 2 questions, £50"
I said "£50 for two questions, that's expensive isn't it?"
She said "yes it is, what's your second question"? |
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Mickey Mouse is in court trying to get a divorce from Minnie Mouse.
The judge says "Mickey you can't divorce Minnie just because she has big teeth"
Mickey says "I didn't say she had big teeth, I said she was fucking Goofy"
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Maybe it was my own fault for getting so hammered last night, but as i lay in bed i could see six feet sticking out the end of the quilt.
I mentionned this to the wife but she laughed and said "don't be so fucking stupid (really), you're pissed, go count em."
So i did and as i got back in bed i said to her, "oh yeah, you're right (as usual) there's only four and aren't mine ever so dirty."
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Why did the skeleton burp?
He didn't have the guts to fart.
The same skeleton went into a pub.
"I'll have a pint of larger and a mop, please""
And that one...... |
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Victoria Beckham goes to see David play football, at the end of the match they chat and she leaves alone as he's off for a drink with the lads.
She gets into the waiting limo and says home please, driver says I know a shortcut through a farmers track? She says Ok and off they go.
Going down the track and suddenly there's a large thump and the limo stops dead, driver opens the limo hatch and says he's just hitting a cow that walked out in front of the limo and asks what he should do.
Victoria says there's a farmhouse up there it's probably their cow you better go tell them.
Off the driver goes to the farmhouse and comes back an hour later, cigar in one hand, wine bottle in the other and clothes/hair untidy
Victoria says what happened to you?
Driver says I told them what happened and the farmer gave me one of his finest cigars, his wife obese of their finest bottles of wine and their 21 year old daughter shagged me senseless.
Victoria says well what did you tell them?
Driver says I told them I'm Victoria Beckhams limo driver and I've just killed the cow..... |
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