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Intimacy and sex
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By *icketysplits OP Woman
over a year ago
Way over Yonder, that's where I'm bound |
You can be intimate without it leading to sex.
You can have sex with little or no intimacy.
When the sex has gone from a relationship (whether temporarily or permanently) do you remain intimate?
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"You can be intimate without it leading to sex.
You can have sex with little or no intimacy.
When the sex has gone from a relationship (whether temporarily or permanently) do you remain intimate?
"
Not sure what you mean by intimacy. In my case..I would say it is friendship that remains.
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"You can be intimate without it leading to sex.
You can have sex with little or no intimacy.
When the sex has gone from a relationship (whether temporarily or permanently) do you remain intimate?
"
It depends what you mean by intimacy. To me it's not just sex but emotional intimacy too and emotional intimacy is far more difficult to achieve and maintain than sexual intimacy. So I think it's possible to remain emotionally intimate without sex but probably very difficult. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Not sure what you mean by 'remain intimate'.
Touching, albeit not sexually, remaining connected emotionally, showing you still love the person, holding hands, stroking etc.
"
Ah ok.
My answer no... in past relationships, the intimacy goes then the sex. When it's gone it's gone. |
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"You can be intimate without it leading to sex.
You can have sex with little or no intimacy.
When the sex has gone from a relationship (whether temporarily or permanently) do you remain intimate?
"
People who manage to maintain intimacy, mentally as well as physical, are the ones who maintain a loving relationship even when sex isn't happening or even possible.
Unfortunately that particular alchemy is something many of us haven't made work yet. |
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By *icketysplits OP Woman
over a year ago
Way over Yonder, that's where I'm bound |
"You can be intimate without it leading to sex.
You can have sex with little or no intimacy.
When the sex has gone from a relationship (whether temporarily or permanently) do you remain intimate?
It depends what you mean by intimacy. To me it's not just sex but emotional intimacy too and emotional intimacy is far more difficult to achieve and maintain than sexual intimacy. So I think it's possible to remain emotionally intimate without sex but probably very difficult."
I have been thinking about how people get back to sexual intimacy when what I witness is a loss of emotional intimacy.
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Not sure what you mean by 'remain intimate'.
Touching, albeit not sexually, remaining connected emotionally, showing you still love the person, holding hands, stroking etc.
"
Yes. Those things are the signs of love, and love can still be very much present in a relationship where sex is difficult. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Not sure what you mean by 'remain intimate'.
Touching, albeit not sexually, remaining connected emotionally, showing you still love the person, holding hands, stroking etc.
Ah ok.
My answer no... in past relationships, the intimacy goes then the sex. When it's gone it's gone."
See for me I didn't have intimacy in my relationships. My ex husband used to tell me if I wanted affection get a cat. So I don't always think relationships have intimacy x |
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By *icketysplits OP Woman
over a year ago
Way over Yonder, that's where I'm bound |
"Not sure what you mean by 'remain intimate'.
Touching, albeit not sexually, remaining connected emotionally, showing you still love the person, holding hands, stroking etc.
Ah ok.
My answer no... in past relationships, the intimacy goes then the sex. When it's gone it's gone.
See for me I didn't have intimacy in my relationships. My ex husband used to tell me if I wanted affection get a cat. So I don't always think relationships have intimacy x "
How did it become a relationship? I can't imagine not having a stage of intimacy that enables you to drop your defenses enough to allow love in.
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"You can be intimate without it leading to sex.
You can have sex with little or no intimacy.
When the sex has gone from a relationship (whether temporarily or permanently) do you remain intimate?
"
I think it can also depend on why the sex has gone from the relationship.
If both parties are happy making the effort to be intimate in other ways then all is good. How long they can remain that way over the years is anyone's guess.
Personally for me it didn't last the test of time. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Yes, I have done. One of my partners and I had about a nine month gap from sexual activity, but we still remained emotionally and physically intimate. I think it helps that we are extraordinarily good friends, not just lovers. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Not sure what you mean by 'remain intimate'.
Touching, albeit not sexually, remaining connected emotionally, showing you still love the person, holding hands, stroking etc.
Ah ok.
My answer no... in past relationships, the intimacy goes then the sex. When it's gone it's gone.
See for me I didn't have intimacy in my relationships. My ex husband used to tell me if I wanted affection get a cat. So I don't always think relationships have intimacy x
How did it become a relationship? I can't imagine not having a stage of intimacy that enables you to drop your defenses enough to allow love in.
"
Not everyone desires love. |
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By *icketysplits OP Woman
over a year ago
Way over Yonder, that's where I'm bound |
"You can be intimate without it leading to sex.
You can have sex with little or no intimacy.
When the sex has gone from a relationship (whether temporarily or permanently) do you remain intimate?
I think it can also depend on why the sex has gone from the relationship.
If both parties are happy making the effort to be intimate in other ways then all is good. How long they can remain that way over the years is anyone's guess.
Personally for me it didn't last the test of time."
It strikes me that it requires work on both sides and an honesty with each other to be able to say that the not having sex is an issue but without blame or pressure.
A friend's cancer has made me look at their relationship in a different way.
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By *icketysplits OP Woman
over a year ago
Way over Yonder, that's where I'm bound |
"Not sure what you mean by 'remain intimate'.
Touching, albeit not sexually, remaining connected emotionally, showing you still love the person, holding hands, stroking etc.
Ah ok.
My answer no... in past relationships, the intimacy goes then the sex. When it's gone it's gone.
See for me I didn't have intimacy in my relationships. My ex husband used to tell me if I wanted affection get a cat. So I don't always think relationships have intimacy x
How did it become a relationship? I can't imagine not having a stage of intimacy that enables you to drop your defenses enough to allow love in.
Not everyone desires love."
I define love quite broadly. The 'in love' state is not really what I'm getting at.
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Both of us in previous relationships had no sex or intimacy for some time . One goes hand in hand with the other in a relationship as far as we are concerned . Therefore we wouldn't entertain one without the other within a relationship , ever . Unless there was a physical reason for no sex , in which case it may be different |
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By *oxy_minxWoman
over a year ago
Scotland - Aberdeen |
"Not sure what you mean by 'remain intimate'.
Touching, albeit not sexually, remaining connected emotionally, showing you still love the person, holding hands, stroking etc.
Ah ok.
My answer no... in past relationships, the intimacy goes then the sex. When it's gone it's gone."
I agree with this, the motions might be there ie the kiss (peck) goodbye in the morning but then everything else is also gone and all is left is friendship.
That was my dilemma when I was 30, been on my own since x |
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By *icketysplits OP Woman
over a year ago
Way over Yonder, that's where I'm bound |
"Surely this a question about having carnal sex or making love to a person?"
No, though both are lovely things in the right time and place. It's about whether stroking someone for 15 minutes a day, and doing it wholeheartedly, can keep a relationship alive.
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"You can be intimate without it leading to sex.
You can have sex with little or no intimacy.
When the sex has gone from a relationship (whether temporarily or permanently) do you remain intimate?
It is possible - this is how I live.
It depends what you mean by intimacy. To me it's not just sex but emotional intimacy too and emotional intimacy is far more difficult to achieve and maintain than sexual intimacy. So I think it's possible to remain emotionally intimate without sex but probably very difficult."
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"Surely this a question about having carnal sex or making love to a person?
No, though both are lovely things in the right time and place. It's about whether stroking someone for 15 minutes a day, and doing it wholeheartedly, can keep a relationship alive.
"
Now if the stroking holding and affection are in the loving relationship where a partner does have cancer I think it very probable the relationship will work without sex.. Yes I think it would work if you love each other.
I wonder if things would change between us if either became terminally ill. Tho on reflection after my brush with cancer and being accompanied on my first diagnosis..
I then dealt with the rest alone by my choice that he did not need to hang round during my treatments.
Thik we would have both been pretty grumpy just sitting about together.
Love is shown by shopping /cooking / checking if I need anything etc. other than that no touching. |
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By *icketysplits OP Woman
over a year ago
Way over Yonder, that's where I'm bound |
"Surely this a question about having carnal sex or making love to a person?
No, though both are lovely things in the right time and place. It's about whether stroking someone for 15 minutes a day, and doing it wholeheartedly, can keep a relationship alive.
Now if the stroking holding and affection are in the loving relationship where a partner does have cancer I think it very probable the relationship will work without sex.. Yes I think it would work if you love each other.
I wonder if things would change between us if either became terminally ill. Tho on reflection after my brush with cancer and being accompanied on my first diagnosis..
I then dealt with the rest alone by my choice that he did not need to hang round during my treatments.
Thik we would have both been pretty grumpy just sitting about together.
Love is shown by shopping /cooking / checking if I need anything etc. other than that no touching."
Touch is such an important thing to us though. It's one of the reasons we have pets.
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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My ex couldn't connect emotionally which meant there was no intimacy ever. He still struggles to show emotions other than anger. I would like am intimate relationship just to see what it's like. |
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By *icketysplits OP Woman
over a year ago
Way over Yonder, that's where I'm bound |
"My ex couldn't connect emotionally which meant there was no intimacy ever. He still struggles to show emotions other than anger. I would like am intimate relationship just to see what it's like. "
I think loss of intimacy is more damaging than the loss of sex. It's been interesting reading the responses.
Of course, the truly intimate and loving will happily support their partner finding the sex elsewhere, whilst keeping the intimacy for each other.
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"Surely this a question about having carnal sex or making love to a person?
No, though both are lovely things in the right time and place. It's about whether stroking someone for 15 minutes a day, and doing it wholeheartedly, can keep a relationship alive.
Now if the stroking holding and affection are in the loving relationship where a partner does have cancer I think it very probable the relationship will work without sex.. Yes I think it would work if you love each other.
I wonder if things would change between us if either became terminally ill. Tho on reflection after my brush with cancer and being accompanied on my first diagnosis..
I then dealt with the rest alone by my choice that he did not need to hang round during my treatments.
Thik we would have both been pretty grumpy just sitting about together.
Love is shown by shopping /cooking / checking if I need anything etc. other than that no touching.
Touch is such an important thing to us though. It's one of the reasons we have pets.
"
We both touch cuddle and interact with the pets just not each other   |
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By *icketysplits OP Woman
over a year ago
Way over Yonder, that's where I'm bound |
"
I wonder if things would change between us if either became terminally ill. Tho on reflection after my brush with cancer and being accompanied on my first diagnosis..
I then dealt with the rest alone by my choice that he did not need to hang round during my treatments.
Thik we would have both been pretty grumpy just sitting about together.
Love is shown by shopping /cooking / checking if I need anything etc. other than that no touching.
Touch is such an important thing to us though. It's one of the reasons we have pets.
We both touch cuddle and interact with the pets just not each other "
I think I should arrange a cuddle and stroking social.
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"
Touch is such an important thing to us though. It's one of the reasons we have pets.
"
That's very true Lickety, it hadn't dawned on me until then that's probably one of many reasons I really want a dog. As strange as that may sound! |
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By *icketysplits OP Woman
over a year ago
Way over Yonder, that's where I'm bound |
"
Touch is such an important thing to us though. It's one of the reasons we have pets.
That's very true Lickety, it hadn't dawned on me until then that's probably one of many reasons I really want a dog. As strange as that may sound! "
It doesn't sound strange at all. I know couples where they have got a pet at the very point the touching has stopped in their relationship. The pet provides the unconditional love and touch requirements without the expectation that the touch will lead to sex.
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"Not sure what you mean by 'remain intimate'.
Touching, albeit not sexually, remaining connected emotionally, showing you still love the person, holding hands, stroking etc.
Ah ok.
My answer no... in past relationships, the intimacy goes then the sex. When it's gone it's gone."
I agree...when its gone its farewell x |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Not sure what you mean by 'remain intimate'.
Touching, albeit not sexually, remaining connected emotionally, showing you still love the person, holding hands, stroking etc.
Ah ok.
My answer no... in past relationships, the intimacy goes then the sex. When it's gone it's gone. I agree...when its gone its farewell x"
Unless you get a dog apparantly |
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"Daft question, i think most on here are here because of problems relating to this, i for one dont want to get close to someone, my heads in lockdown "
I think for couples if you're here without intimacy you shouldn't be. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Intimacy without sex is frustrating (if I'm interpreting intimacy right), sex without intimacy can be equally as frustrating, don't the two go hand in hand? Can o have both please  |
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"
I wonder if things would change between us if either became terminally ill. Tho on reflection after my brush with cancer and being accompanied on my first diagnosis..
I then dealt with the rest alone by my choice that he did not need to hang round during my treatments.
Thik we would have both been pretty grumpy just sitting about together.
Love is shown by shopping /cooking / checking if I need anything etc. other than that no touching.
Touch is such an important thing to us though. It's one of the reasons we have pets.
We both touch cuddle and interact with the pets just not each other
I think I should arrange a cuddle and stroking social.
"
That would be good.Touching and cuddling is really missing from many peoples lives. |
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By *ohn_d57Man
over a year ago
Bedlington |
"Not sure what you mean by 'remain intimate'.
Touching, albeit not sexually, remaining connected emotionally, showing you still love the person, holding hands, stroking etc.
Yes. Those things are the signs of love, and love can still be very much present in a relationship where sex is difficult. "
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Just a thought, it's not always because there are 'problems' or 'difficulties' either.
I've been in longer-term relationships with asexual people before (although obviously, not aromantic) and they've had wonderful physical and emotional intimacy. Just not physical sex.
The two aren't the same thing. |
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By *icketysplits OP Woman
over a year ago
Way over Yonder, that's where I'm bound |
"Daft question, i think most on here are here because of problems relating to this, i for one dont want to get close to someone, my heads in lockdown "
One of the reasons this has been on my mind is because of posts from married people talking about being in sexless relationships.
I agree that most on here don't want intimacy at all. I'm not interested in intimacy with casual meets but my longer term friends have friendly intimacy.
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By *icketysplits OP Woman
over a year ago
Way over Yonder, that's where I'm bound |
"Intimacy without sex is frustrating (if I'm interpreting intimacy right), sex without intimacy can be equally as frustrating, don't the two go hand in hand? Can o have both please "
The best sex comes with intimacy but I think true intimacy comes when you let your guard down, when you open yourself up to the potential of more and that also means the potential of love.
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By *icketysplits OP Woman
over a year ago
Way over Yonder, that's where I'm bound |
"Just a thought, it's not always because there are 'problems' or 'difficulties' either.
I've been in longer-term relationships with asexual people before (although obviously, not aromantic) and they've had wonderful physical and emotional intimacy. Just not physical sex.
The two aren't the same thing."
I agree. I have a very affectionate and often intimate relationship with the ex but we never have sex with each other. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"You can be intimate without it leading to sex.
You can have sex with little or no intimacy.
When the sex has gone from a relationship (whether temporarily or permanently) do you remain intimate?
"
I think hubby and i can and do, last summer i had a bigish operation, i was in pain etc before it and obviously in pain after and not very mobile and the last thing i could have coped with was sex at that point, hubby was worried about hurting me but we still held hands, cuddled, kissed etc 
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Not sure what you mean by 'remain intimate'.
Touching, albeit not sexually, remaining connected emotionally, showing you still love the person, holding hands, stroking etc.
Yes. Those things are the signs of love, and love can still be very much present in a relationship where sex is difficult. "
This is worded so much better than I could have managed. |
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"You can be intimate without it leading to sex.
You can have sex with little or no intimacy.
When the sex has gone from a relationship (whether temporarily or permanently) do you remain intimate?
"
I would have thought it depends on the reason - I think most relationships that become sexless do so because of a loss of intimacy, there is an emotional separation and then a physical one. If illness causes a need to stop being physical, the emotional bond could well remain strong and intimacy continue.
I think part of my love for horses and to a lesser extent cats is the love of the extra physical intimacy, the relationships can be very close, it's great being hugged by a horse!! |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Intimacy without sex is perfectly possible especially when there are medical reasons for the lack of sex. However I found a long term intimate relationship without sex very difficult to handle and failed. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I think you can still be intimate and love without sex. Holding hands and touching. Especially as you age. An example I was thinking of was my grandfather - he held my Nan's hand in bed every night and said - I've still got you H. It made my heart swell when he told me that, at the level he loved her despite the ill health she's suffered in her later years.
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"
Touch is such an important thing to us though. It's one of the reasons we have pets.
That's very true Lickety, it hadn't dawned on me until then that's probably one of many reasons I really want a dog. As strange as that may sound! "
Remember - you can love your dog
Just don't luuuurrrvvvvvvvve your dog .... |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Like many have said already, d reason for d lack of sex is key. Illness ( permanently ) or loss / bereavement / physical ( temporarily ) make the retention of intimacy very possible and bearable. However if d sex life ceases or all but ceases due to a lack of interest by one party, which d other person can't understand then a person's natural resentment to what they see as a reasonless imposed celibacy will ultimately almost surely lead to a relationship bereft of physical and emotional intamacy. I'm sure d love can remain in such circumstances, but it would become a platonic strained love, especially were d offended person not find sexual and / or emotional intimacy elsewhere ( such as thru sites like this ) while remaining in such a relationship. Until someone finds themselves facing such torment, I think it is impossible to condemn those genuine married people ón here who find themselves in such positions........but that's for other threads to discuss I'm sure. |
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By *icketysplits OP Woman
over a year ago
Way over Yonder, that's where I'm bound |
"Like many have said already, d reason for d lack of sex is key. Illness ( permanently ) or loss / bereavement / physical ( temporarily ) make the retention of intimacy very possible and bearable. However if d sex life ceases or all but ceases due to a lack of interest by one party, which d other person can't understand then a person's natural resentment to what they see as a reasonless imposed celibacy will ultimately almost surely lead to a relationship bereft of physical and emotional intamacy. I'm sure d love can remain in such circumstances, but it would become a platonic strained love, especially were d offended person not find sexual and / or emotional intimacy elsewhere ( such as thru sites like this ) while remaining in such a relationship. Until someone finds themselves facing such torment, I think it is impossible to condemn those genuine married people ón here who find themselves in such positions........but that's for other threads to discuss I'm sure."
Some will condemn, whatever the reason. This thread isn't about that though.
I think the reasons for the withdrawal of sex should always be something you should be able to discuss with the person you love and to whom you have made a commitment. Yet this seems the hardest conversation for people to have. I wonder if this comes about because we imbue the sexual side with so much power.
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I'm not particularly affectionate. Rarely initiate it. My marriage failed as a result of it apparently. He couldn't stand me not giving him the attention he needed. And I was oblivious to it, his unsaid needs  although to be honest, he wasn't the best at just taking me in his arms either.. Live and learn. Still struggle with vocalizing the need for affection and intimacy. Especially if it goes unacknowledged.. Then the self destruct button gets hit |
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By *icketysplits OP Woman
over a year ago
Way over Yonder, that's where I'm bound |
"I'm not particularly affectionate. Rarely initiate it. My marriage failed as a result of it apparently. He couldn't stand me not giving him the attention he needed. And I was oblivious to it, his unsaid needs although to be honest, he wasn't the best at just taking me in his arms either.. Live and learn. Still struggle with vocalizing the need for affection and intimacy. Especially if it goes unacknowledged.. Then the self destruct button gets hit "
It's not an uncommon story.
For some reason when one is in a relationship we expect them to be mind readers.
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I find it hard not to be intimate when having sex xx Its part of it id like to think i will continue to be intimate when im 80's even when my libido has gone xx Especially with the woman i love at the time xxx |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I'm not particularly affectionate. Rarely initiate it. My marriage failed as a result of it apparently. He couldn't stand me not giving him the attention he needed. And I was oblivious to it, his unsaid needs although to be honest, he wasn't the best at just taking me in his arms either.. Live and learn. Still struggle with vocalizing the need for affection and intimacy. Especially if it goes unacknowledged.. Then the self destruct button gets hit
It's not an uncommon story.
For some reason when one is in a relationship we expect them to be mind readers.
"
yep.. I think I've gone the other way now and tend to ask direct questions lol not sure which is worse?! Haha |
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By *icketysplits OP Woman
over a year ago
Way over Yonder, that's where I'm bound |
"I'm not particularly affectionate. Rarely initiate it. My marriage failed as a result of it apparently. He couldn't stand me not giving him the attention he needed. And I was oblivious to it, his unsaid needs although to be honest, he wasn't the best at just taking me in his arms either.. Live and learn. Still struggle with vocalizing the need for affection and intimacy. Especially if it goes unacknowledged.. Then the self destruct button gets hit
It's not an uncommon story.
For some reason when one is in a relationship we expect them to be mind readers.
yep.. I think I've gone the other way now and tend to ask direct questions lol not sure which is worse?! Haha "
Sometimes you have to sidle up to a question.
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Surely this a question about having carnal sex or making love to a person?
No, though both are lovely things in the right time and place. It's about whether stroking someone for 15 minutes a day, and doing it wholeheartedly, can keep a relationship alive.
Now if the stroking holding and affection are in the loving relationship where a partner does have cancer I think it very probable the relationship will work without sex.. Yes I think it would work if you love each other.
I wonder if things would change between us if either became terminally ill. Tho on reflection after my brush with cancer and being accompanied on my first diagnosis..
I then dealt with the rest alone by my choice that he did not need to hang round during my treatments.
Thik we would have both been pretty grumpy just sitting about together.
Love is shown by shopping /cooking / checking if I need anything etc. other than that no touching.
Touch is such an important thing to us though. It's one of the reasons we have pets.
"
My cat gives me affection. sad I know |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Like many have said already, d reason for d lack of sex is key. Illness ( permanently ) or loss / bereavement / physical ( temporarily ) make the retention of intimacy very possible and bearable. However if d sex life ceases or all but ceases due to a lack of interest by one party, which d other person can't understand then a person's natural resentment to what they see as a reasonless imposed celibacy will ultimately almost surely lead to a relationship bereft of physical and emotional intamacy. I'm sure d love can remain in such circumstances, but it would become a platonic strained love, especially were d offended person not find sexual and / or emotional intimacy elsewhere ( such as thru sites like this ) while remaining in such a relationship. Until someone finds themselves facing such torment, I think it is impossible to condemn those genuine married people ón here who find themselves in such positions........but that's for other threads to discuss I'm sure.
Some will condemn, whatever the reason. This thread isn't about that though.
I think the reasons for the withdrawal of sex should always be something you should be able to discuss with the person you love and to whom you have made a commitment. Yet this seems the hardest conversation for people to have. I wonder if this comes about because we imbue the sexual side with so much power.
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I think martial sex and intimacy r inextricably linked in almost all monogamous marriages. Within relationships where d couple have both willingly and happily embraced d swing lifestyle, that link is likely to be less if not almost severed due to d evolved and more open relationship most long-term swinging couples enjoy. Society, popular fiction, religion, media and most films perpetuates d belief that sex is d basis for intimacy in a relationship, so the importance bestowed on sex in terms of intimacy is rightly or wrongly common place culturally. |
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By *icketysplits OP Woman
over a year ago
Way over Yonder, that's where I'm bound |
"If I find someone who I genuinely like beyond physical attraction, I offer a choice...
You can be a friend or a fuck but not both - that's a reserved spot."
Who is it reserved for? If you find someone you genuinely like beyond the physical attraction why can't they fill the reserved spot?
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"When the sex goes there's nothing left sex is very important too keeping the relationship alive and fresh
Some people survive it and continue to love and care for each other.
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Very much so. |
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