...suggestions welcome.
I have an old friend who gave birth to her 3rd child 5 months ago.
Visited her with my family and a friend and it was a tense meeting to say the least. She was 45 mins late and my friend was kicking off.
Next time I see her, she launches in to one about my friend. I apologise on his behalf.
Bump in to her a few times and say hi but don't see her properly for a while. I offer to pop round with my daughter on the Bank Holiday and get a curt message saying how upset she was by my reaction to her son, how I've only seen him once in 10 weeks (4 times actually, but hey) that I didn't make enough effort.
I try to catch her at the school gates but she says that I've had plenty of time to get in contact and that after 21 years of friendship we're clearly different people and it's time to move on.
Last week I got a somewhat remorseful txt that she's having a hard time and I say that I'm here if she needs to talk. She says not now.
Tuesday night, about 1am I get a txt saying 'we need to talk' and over the following hour I get told how rude I was, how dismayed and distraught she was and how, after us going round she had cried for an entire day.
I apologised profusely and said it's good that we're talking again.
In the morning, I wake up annoyed.
Annoyed for all the shit of hers that I've helped her with over the years - all the d*unken phone calls at 2am, covering up a couple of her infidelities, her crying on my shoulder about whichever relationship has gone wrong now, her 'fairy-tale' wedding in Greece that she dragged us all to only to divorce the poor bugger 6mths later, and much, much more.
And I thought, how can you dump three months of your shit on me? Is one man being a bit of a distant dick on one day responsible for your life's misery?
I can see, or feel, that underneath it all she's post-natally depressed. And, despite the difficulties, she is a good friend and I want to make it better.
I dearly want to tell her about herself but it will just inflame the situation.
Maybe I'm just venting but if anyone has any ideas, I'm all ears.
I don't know what to do or say.
Apologies for length of post. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Rant away hun.
Depression of any kind isn't a pretty thing - God knows I can lash out when I'm going through a bad time. I do that because I feel helpless and alone, like no one's there and they don't understand.
The only thing I could suggest for now is taking a step back. As you said, you don't want to inflame the situation.
Do you know how she's been around other people? |
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Sorry to dump this on you but it's been bouncing around in me head for a few days.
She ruined a good fuck on Tuesday night.
More fool me for picking up my phone and answering her txt (I was in a good mood and thought relations were thawing). An hour later, I'd forgotten about the joy I'd just given/received and was a bit shocked by her broadside. |
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"Rant away hun.
Depression of any kind isn't a pretty thing - God knows I can lash out when I'm going through a bad time. I do that because I feel helpless and alone, like no one's there and they don't understand.
The only thing I could suggest for now is taking a step back. As you said, you don't want to inflame the situation.
Do you know how she's been around other people? "
I assume she has - she's got her (long-suffering) boyfriend and both parents near-by.
She's off work and with child so probably less socially stimulated than usual |
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"Sorry to dump this on you but it's been bouncing around in me head for a few days.
She ruined a good fuck on Tuesday night.
More fool me for picking up my phone and answering her txt (I was in a good mood and thought relations were thawing). An hour later, I'd forgotten about the joy I'd just given/received and was a bit shocked by her broadside. "
How did she ruin it? |
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"Sorry to dump this on you but it's been bouncing around in me head for a few days.
She ruined a good fuck on Tuesday night.
More fool me for picking up my phone and answering her txt (I was in a good mood and thought relations were thawing). An hour later, I'd forgotten about the joy I'd just given/received and was a bit shocked by her broadside.
How did she ruin it?"
Well, not the actual shag but the afterglow soon went |
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By *adybee77Woman
over a year ago
MAMOBA, miles and miles of bugger all (Aberdeenshire) |
"Sorry to dump this on you but it's been bouncing around in me head for a few days.
She ruined a good fuck on Tuesday night.
More fool me for picking up my phone and answering her txt (I was in a good mood and thought relations were thawing). An hour later, I'd forgotten about the joy I'd just given/received and was a bit shocked by her broadside. "
And there was me thinking you were a decent guy and a good friend...  Heaven forbid a friend in need gets in the way of you having good memories of a fuck.
Cut the lady loose and wish her well with friends who will actually support her when she needs them |
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"Sorry to dump this on you but it's been bouncing around in me head for a few days.
She ruined a good fuck on Tuesday night.
More fool me for picking up my phone and answering her txt (I was in a good mood and thought relations were thawing). An hour later, I'd forgotten about the joy I'd just given/received and was a bit shocked by her broadside.
And there was me thinking you were a decent guy and a good friend... Heaven forbid a friend in need gets in the way of you having good memories of a fuck.
Cut the lady loose and wish her well with friends who will actually support her when she needs them"
Meh... one track mind, I'm afraid |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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PND/psychosis is a beyond a motherfucker. But... A persons patience can only take so much. Like any depression the first sign of help is recognising it within yourself. Has anyone offered to accompany her to the docs do you know? |
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"Sorry to dump this on you but it's been bouncing around in me head for a few days.
She ruined a good fuck on Tuesday night.
More fool me for picking up my phone and answering her txt (I was in a good mood and thought relations were thawing). An hour later, I'd forgotten about the joy I'd just given/received and was a bit shocked by her broadside.
How did she ruin it?
Well, not the actual shag but the afterglow soon went "
I understand what you're saying but people can only affect you as far as you allow them to. Clearly this lady is affecting you a lot and you're resenting it. Don't allow it to happen. If as I said you suspect she has post-natal depression she really does need professional help. |
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"PND/psychosis is a beyond a motherfucker. But... A persons patience can only take so much. Like any depression the first sign of help is recognising it within yourself. Has anyone offered to accompany her to the docs do you know? "
She had PND after her first child. She's been on anti-depressants a couple of periods in the last decade.
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"I understand what you're saying but people can only affect you as far as you allow them to. Clearly this lady is affecting you a lot and you're resenting it. Don't allow it to happen. If as I said you suspect she has post-natal depression she really does need professional help."
Clearly.
I can't change someone else's behaviour - only my own.
And yes, I feel like after 20-odd years of being the friend who has fought her corner she's now decided that I'm the source of her problems. It does annoy me.
But I'll live/get over it.
I'm more worried about her. |
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Read up about postnatal depression on the nhs choices website.
Persuade her to see GP or one of the practice nurses. Offer to go with, or at least babysit if you can, while she does.
I don't really want to suggest more because I'd just be jumping to conclusions, but postnatal depression tends to amplify any pre-existing stress, and the picture you paint certainly sounds like she already had problems.
Good luck
Mr ddc |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"PND/psychosis is a beyond a motherfucker. But... A persons patience can only take so much. Like any depression the first sign of help is recognising it within yourself. Has anyone offered to accompany her to the docs do you know?
She had PND after her first child. She's been on anti-depressants a couple of periods in the last decade.
"
Doesn't make much difference if she's not on them now |
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"PND/psychosis is a beyond a motherfucker. But... A persons patience can only take so much. Like any depression the first sign of help is recognising it within yourself. Has anyone offered to accompany her to the docs do you know?
She had PND after her first child. She's been on anti-depressants a couple of periods in the last decade.
"
I understand very well how difficult dealing with a depressed person is a very close blood relative of mine suffered throughout their life, it's hard I know. However it's an illness and not something the person can control, the accusations, feelings of abandonment, illogical thoughts are all part of it. If you can't cope with it or you can't separate the person from the illness...and that can be nigh on impossible......you need to consider if you can be a friend to this lady. Sounds harsh I know but it is what it is. |
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"PND/psychosis is a beyond a motherfucker. But... A persons patience can only take so much. Like any depression the first sign of help is recognising it within yourself. Has anyone offered to accompany her to the docs do you know?
She had PND after her first child. She's been on anti-depressants a couple of periods in the last decade.
Doesn't make much difference if she's not on them now "
Agreed.
There's an awful lot more - I'm giving you the truncated version. She's OCD under all the bombast.
Everything has to be perfect and the grass is always greener, and god does she ever hold on to trauma, even if it's not hers.
I feel like I'm sounding like a right bitch now and that's not my intention. |
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" If you can't cope with it or you can't separate the person from the illness...and that can be nigh on impossible......you need to consider if you can be a friend to this lady. Sounds harsh I know but it is what it is."
I spent 10 years as a drugs/alcohol/menatl health worker - I've dealt with far more extreme behaviour but it's more at a distance, with structure between client and worker.
I do feel like I need to treat her like a client atm. |
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Good luck
