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This week I experienced something...
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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...Ive never felt since I split up with my long term partner over 2 years ago now.
In the "real world" I was seeing a girl. We get on really well. Just clicked, we have been through very similar circumstances and definately had a connection if you would call it that. She was the only girl in the whole year of being on POF that I actually deleted my profile for (and hid my profile on here).
Last week she said it was too much for her - shes going through some issues so she put it as "right person, wrong time" and she couldnt do it anymore. I wont be afraid to admit im pretty gutted about it. We've spoken everyday since but I cant switch off my feelings. It sounds harsh but im not sure I can keep speaking to her. Or am I just being selfish and unsupportive?
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If its causing you pain then take a step or two back from her. If you need to, explain to her that the situation is hurting you and you need to protect yourself - after all that's exactly what she is doing so she can't really expect you not to do the same.
A little time and space may be good for both of you.
Good luck. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"I'm sure she would rather an explanation than you just disappearing. Its not selfish for you to have feelings."
I said id be there for her. We had some deep conversations and I really opened up to her and told her things ive not told anyone else.
After she called it off she messaged me asking if I was speaking to anyone else (I wasnt) and if I had gone back on POF (I havnt). She cant have it both ways can she |
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If it's any consolation I'm in the exact same position.
I was dumped last Tuesday but she's still turning to me for support and I've promised her I'll be there. My head knows I'm being foolish but I can't bring myself just break the connection.
Feeling for you mate. |
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saw in Calvin & Hobbes..
Calvin:
..when you GET something, it's new and exciting,
..when you HAVE something, you will take it for granted and it's boring.
Hobbes:
..but everything you get turns into something you have.
Calvin:
.. that's why you always need to get new things.
.
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Explain, have some time apart, see how it goes and put the kettle on  "
Tina - you have hit the nail on the head. Particularly the putting the kettle on, nothing in life that a good cuppa can't solve. HHx |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"If it's any consolation I'm in the exact same position.
I was dumped last Tuesday but she's still turning to me for support and I've promised her I'll be there. My head knows I'm being foolish but I can't bring myself just break the connection.
Feeling for you mate."
Going from speaking to someone on a deep and meaningful level to wishing she would message is totally unlike me. Im resisting messaging her, I figured if she doesnt msg me then that pretty much says all I need to know |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"Explain, have some time apart, see how it goes and put the kettle on
Tina - you have hit the nail on the head. Particularly the putting the kettle on, nothing in life that a good cuppa can't solve. HHx"
Do you offer a delivery service?  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"
..when you HAVE something, you will take it for granted and it's boring.
"
I don't "have" anyone. I don't want to "have" anyone.
Because I know if I did "have" someone I'd get really fucking bored and move on. (From a fab perspective).
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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OP ..... you sound like such a thoughtful and caring young man, but sometimes you just have to think of yourself and move on. Would love to give you a kiss and cuddle to cheer you up |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"If its causing you pain then take a step or two back from her. If you need to, explain to her that the situation is hurting you and you need to protect yourself - after all that's exactly what she is doing so she can't really expect you not to do the same.
A little time and space may be good for both of you.
"
This, perfectly.
Good luck fellah!! |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I'm sure she would rather an explanation than you just disappearing. Its not selfish for you to have feelings.
I said id be there for her. We had some deep conversations and I really opened up to her and told her things ive not told anyone else.
After she called it off she messaged me asking if I was speaking to anyone else (I wasnt) and if I had gone back on POF (I havnt). She cant have it both ways can she"
Defiantly not! Sounds a bit like... She doesn't want you and doesn't want anyone else wanting/having you.
You need cut contact if it's upsetting you that much. Who wants to live like that? It's not healthy.
Good luck.
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I'm sure she would rather an explanation than you just disappearing. Its not selfish for you to have feelings.
I said id be there for her. We had some deep conversations and I really opened up to her and told her things ive not told anyone else.
After she called it off she messaged me asking if I was speaking to anyone else (I wasnt) and if I had gone back on POF (I havnt). She cant have it both ways can she
Defiantly not! Sounds a bit like... She doesn't want you and doesn't want anyone else wanting/having you.
You need cut contact if it's upsetting you that much. Who wants to live like that? It's not healthy.
Good luck.
"
I agree with That too. Good luck. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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She's told you how she feels now tell her. I wouldn't keep someone on a hook,I would let them go. What you do now she's told you she isn't ready for you is none of her business. You could wait around twiddling your thumbs hoping her circumstances change. They may,they may not. Speaking from experience I wouldn't lose days of my life waiting for someone who wasn't ready for me. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"If it's any consolation I'm in the exact same position.
I was dumped last Tuesday but she's still turning to me for support and I've promised her I'll be there. My head knows I'm being foolish but I can't bring myself just break the connection.
Feeling for you mate.
Going from speaking to someone on a deep and meaningful level to wishing she would message is totally unlike me. Im resisting messaging her, I figured if she doesnt msg me then that pretty much says all I need to know"
She could be sat there to waiting for you to message her it's a hard time for you a the moment I was there a few months ago. I'd say speak to her and say that you will give her space to deal with her issues and that your not walking away from her but your there when she needs you. Good luck for the future and hope it ends in a happy ending for you |
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"I'm sure she would rather an explanation than you just disappearing. Its not selfish for you to have feelings.
I said id be there for her. We had some deep conversations and I really opened up to her and told her things ive not told anyone else.
After she called it off she messaged me asking if I was speaking to anyone else (I wasnt) and if I had gone back on POF (I havnt). She cant have it both ways can she"
No she can't. She has made her position clear, time for you to do the same. Good luck |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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Thank you, nice to see there are some decent people on here. Ill leave the message until tonight, dont want it to come across as I rant or demanding. But her reply/if any will be closure or not. She said I was the one and told her friends she thought it was a longterm thing. I know she has her personal issues and they come before anything else I always said that to her. Or perhaps if it was her attempt at a "its not you its me" ending....which she did by text as she couldnt face ringing me. Didnt realise I was that scary  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Or perhaps if it was her attempt at a "its not you its me" ending....which she did by text as she couldnt face ringing me. Didnt realise I was that scary "
A little harsh - I got broken up with from a 5 year relationship over the phone. Thanks Amy!
The net result is the same though I guess so it doesn't actually matter. |
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"If it's any consolation I'm in the exact same position.
I was dumped last Tuesday but she's still turning to me for support and I've promised her I'll be there. My head knows I'm being foolish but I can't bring myself just break the connection.
Feeling for you mate.
Going from speaking to someone on a deep and meaningful level to wishing she would message is totally unlike me. Im resisting messaging her, I figured if she doesnt msg me then that pretty much says all I need to know"
It's the level of contract too, gone from constant texts, calls etc to almost nothing except on her terms. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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If she has personal issues to deal with surely that is the time you come together as a couple to deal with them... Maybe I'm wrong but if you can't ride out the though times together you won't make the good times!
Sounds like this girl wants the safety blanket of having you in her life without the commitment... Which is fine if all parties consent and are happy with it.
You have to let go of hope to move on. You have to stop interpreting her messages as potentially being more than they are. Speculation is all you have.. And it sounds to me that this could be hurting you.
A girl who doesn't deem you worthy of supporting her as a boyfriend during a tough time... A girl who has made it clear the relationship is over... A girl who still wants non-committal friendship against the wishes of the other party... That to me is not a girl worth hurting over. Do the less painful thing and end it now.
*this is just my own opinion, based purely on not abusing love and instead cherishing and nurturing it*
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"If it's any consolation I'm in the exact same position.
I was dumped last Tuesday but she's still turning to me for support and I've promised her I'll be there. My head knows I'm being foolish but I can't bring myself just break the connection.
Feeling for you mate.
Going from speaking to someone on a deep and meaningful level to wishing she would message is totally unlike me. Im resisting messaging her, I figured if she doesnt msg me then that pretty much says all I need to know
It's the level of contract too, gone from constant texts, calls etc to almost nothing except on her terms."
Exactly the same position as you. Such a weird feeling. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I'm sure she would rather an explanation than you just disappearing. Its not selfish for you to have feelings.
I said id be there for her. We had some deep conversations and I really opened up to her and told her things ive not told anyone else.
After she called it off she messaged me asking if I was speaking to anyone else (I wasnt) and if I had gone back on POF (I havnt). She cant have it both ways can she
No she can't. She has made her position clear, time for you to do the same. Good luck"
Absolutely this^^ |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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She cannot have it all ways. Expect you to be there, when she has made it clear that she doesn't want more than that. She is playing with your emotions by doing that. I think, sometimes, you can remain friends. A break from talking every day, may make that possible, although it doesn't always work. Sometimes, you just have to move on and remember that person with fondness. Hope you feel better soon. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Im sitting on my hands for the rest of the day to stop myself from messaging her. Think I should go find myself a hobby or something"
A handy tip that a friend gave me, you can type an e-mail, write a letter - you don't have to send it. But you have let out how you are feeling. |
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"Im sitting on my hands for the rest of the day to stop myself from messaging her. Think I should go find myself a hobby or something"
.
..thats the point from my post earlier..
give her space and be something for her to 'get' |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Im sitting on my hands for the rest of the day to stop myself from messaging her. Think I should go find myself a hobby or something
.
..thats the point from my post earlier..
give her space and be something for her to 'get'"
This is good advice. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"Im sitting on my hands for the rest of the day to stop myself from messaging her. Think I should go find myself a hobby or something
A handy tip that a friend gave me, you can type an e-mail, write a letter - you don't have to send it. But you have let out how you are feeling. "
Thats a very excellent piece of advice |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Im sitting on my hands for the rest of the day to stop myself from messaging her. Think I should go find myself a hobby or something
.
..thats the point from my post earlier..
give her space and be something for her to 'get'"
Great advice, something I should take heed of too.
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"Im sitting on my hands for the rest of the day to stop myself from messaging her. Think I should go find myself a hobby or something
A handy tip that a friend gave me, you can type an e-mail, write a letter - you don't have to send it. But you have let out how you are feeling. "
Just thought I may actually write her a letter and put it in the post. Or is that abit creepy. Women - cant live with them, cant live without them |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"...Ive never felt since I split up with my long term partner over 2 years ago now.
In the "real world" I was seeing a girl. We get on really well. Just clicked, we have been through very similar circumstances and definately had a connection if you would call it that. She was the only girl in the whole year of being on POF that I actually deleted my profile for (and hid my profile on here).
Last week she said it was too much for her - shes going through some issues so she put it as "right person, wrong time" and she couldnt do it anymore. I wont be afraid to admit im pretty gutted about it. We've spoken everyday since but I cant switch off my feelings. It sounds harsh but im not sure I can keep speaking to her. Or am I just being selfish and unsupportive?
"
If you are finding it difficult I could help distract you.
Sorry. ..ahem.
Tell her how you feel.
Surely honesty is the only way? |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"...Ive never felt since I split up with my long term partner over 2 years ago now.
In the "real world" I was seeing a girl. We get on really well. Just clicked, we have been through very similar circumstances and definuately had a connection if you would call it that. She was the only girl in the whole year of being on POF that I actually deleted my profile for (and hid my profile on here).
Last week she said it was too much for her - shes going through some issues so she put it as "right person, wrong time" and she couldnt do it anymore. I wont be afraid to admit im pretty gutted about it. We've spoken everyday since but I cant switch off my feelings. It sounds harsh but im not sure I can keep speaking to her. Or am I just being selfish and unsupportive?
If you are finding it difficult I could help distract you.
Sorry. ..ahem.
Tell her how you feel.
Surely honesty is the only way?"
A distraction would be most welcome right now |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Sorry if my opinion is off base, just skimmed through... but it sounds like she's told you you're the man for her but she's just not ready... and it sounds like you're not prepared to wait and are keen to get back on POF to find someone new... which sounds like you're not really that into her. If she means something to you you'll back off, give her room, and wait... if not just ditch her and move on... only you can know which of those is you |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"Sorry if my opinion is off base, just skimmed through... but it sounds like she's told you you're the man for her but she's just not ready... and it sounds like you're not prepared to wait and are keen to get back on POF to find someone new... which sounds like you're not really that into her. If she means something to you you'll back off, give her room, and wait... if not just ditch her and move on... only you can know which of those is you "
Oh no, the last thing on my mind is going back on POF. You might have interpreted my OP and subsequent comments, its hard to work some posts out though I know  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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The old I'm not ready for a relationship is a cop out to me. You don't have to be heavily involved,it can be friendship with sex. Unless you want more than she can give you can make it work. I know if I really liked someone I would want to spend some time with them. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"The old I'm not ready for a relationship is a cop out to me. You don't have to be heavily involved,it can be friendship with sex. Unless you want more than she can give you can make it work. I know if I really liked someone I would want to spend some time with them. "
She did give the best blowjob ive ever had. Wonder how I can subtlely suggest a FWB and the odd hug type thing....ill just blurt it out. Like other people have suggested ill give it a couple of days then msg her. Like you say if you genuinely have feelings for someone they dont just stop overnight do they |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"The old I'm not ready for a relationship is a cop out to me. You don't have to be heavily involved,it can be friendship with sex. Unless you want more than she can give you can make it work. I know if I really liked someone I would want to spend some time with them.
She did give the best blowjob ive ever had. Wonder how I can subtlely suggest a FWB and the odd hug type thing....ill just blurt it out. Like other people have suggested ill give it a couple of days then msg her. Like you say if you genuinely have feelings for someone they dont just stop overnight do they "
Leave her alone.
If she wants you she'll be in touch with you.
Think about it, as a guy, if you said WHAT SHE SAID, and she was still pushing it, would that work on you?..
Maybe this is the problem, you're being too full on.
Every human being is different and wants different things and as a general rule you should try to know what those are before assuming you know what they are.
Or you're just going to freak her the fuck right out.
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"The old I'm not ready for a relationship is a cop out to me. You don't have to be heavily involved,it can be friendship with sex. Unless you want more than she can give you can make it work. I know if I really liked someone I would want to spend some time with them.
She did give the best blowjob ive ever had. Wonder how I can subtlely suggest a FWB and the odd hug type thing....ill just blurt it out. Like other people have suggested ill give it a couple of days then msg her. Like you say if you genuinely have feelings for someone they dont just stop overnight do they
Leave her alone.
If she wants you she'll be in touch with you.
Think about it, as a guy, if you said WHAT SHE SAID, and she was still pushing it, would that work on you?..
Maybe this is the problem, you're being too full on.
Every human being is different and wants different things and as a general rule you should try to know what those are before assuming you know what they are.
Or you're just going to freak her the fuck right out.
"
Thats a fair point actually |
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Give her the SPACE she's asked you for.
Tell her to give you a shout when (whatever it is is sorted)
And when she sorts herself out you will know she will contact you if she feels your the right one for her. dont go all needy and chase her and get upset when shes otherwise occupied or mope about. she will just loose respect for you. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"Give her the SPACE she's asked you for.
Tell her to give you a shout when (whatever it is is sorted)
And when she sorts herself out you will know she will contact you if she feels your the right one for her. dont go all needy and chase her and get upset when shes otherwise occupied or mope about. she will just loose respect for you. "
Nows a good time to bugger off to my old mans hotel in the South of France then I think. He'll probably charge me though the cheapskate |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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If ultimately you think she's the right person for you then I'm sure you'll wait.
It could take months or maybe even years, but only you know if your patience would be worth it in the end. |
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I am supporting a friend in exactly this position who is not brave enough to cut ties and is being totally tormented by a dippy, emotionally incontinent woman who 'Is not ready...' for a relationship but is keeping him strung along.
I would say walk away, do not try to stay in touch, it won't work if you have feelings - leave it until she can give you her full attention, if that day ever comes. Good luck. |
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dam it!