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my sofa is cheating on me
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I shagged my sofa 2 months ago but just realised the bleeping sofa is 4 months pregnant. I suspect my mates have been shagging it aswell and are probably responsible for the pregnancy but wont admit it. Any advice on how to get the truth out of my sofa ?  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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i. Think you need to man up stop trying to push it onto others step up to your responsibilities .
Geeez i can see why jeremy kyle gets angry at times 
Her |
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" i. Think you need to man up stop trying to push it onto others step up to your responsibilities .
Geeez i can see why jeremy kyle gets angry at times
Her"
come to think of it i could take the sofa down to jeremy kyle for a lie detector test . But what do i do if the sofa fails the lie detector test ? |
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"How do you know its pregnant
Has it been having symptoms?
its been throwing up and farting all day long
That's not fool proof evidence. Is it sulking irrationally and licking woodchip ?"
oh trust me its been sulking a lot, i even went as far as getting the neighbours cat to have words with it and all i got was '' IL WALK OUT ON YOU WALLY IF YOU DONT PACK IT IN '' seriously |
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"You need to get to the 'bottom' of it because if youve got little chairs to maintain you are going to have to get on touch with the CSA (chair support agency) "
CSA provides a free dna test if she pushes for it and agrees to take one for the baby when it's born ... Just getting that out there.
I had a similar situation except it was one other guy and the dates between us breaking up and her shagging him were close, she swore blind he was mine but refused the free dna test... |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
Forum Mod |
"How do you know its pregnant
Has it been having symptoms?
its been throwing up and farting all day long"
That could have been all the beer and the kebab  |
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By *icketysplitsWoman
over a year ago
Way over Yonder, that's where I'm bound |
"DFS say 6-8 weeks"
So by the OP's reckoning his sofa cannot be pregnant. I fear a malignant growth and his lack of sympathy, blaming and uncaring attitude is making the poor thing sicker than a sick thing.
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
Forum Mod |
"DFS say 6-8 weeks
So by the OP's reckoning his sofa cannot be pregnant. I fear a malignant growth and his lack of sympathy, blaming and uncaring attitude is making the poor thing sicker than a sick thing.
"
It could however be a special delivery in which case 12-14 weeks
Birth could be imminent |
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By *icketysplitsWoman
over a year ago
Way over Yonder, that's where I'm bound |
"DFS say 6-8 weeks
So by the OP's reckoning his sofa cannot be pregnant. I fear a malignant growth and his lack of sympathy, blaming and uncaring attitude is making the poor thing sicker than a sick thing.
It could however be a special delivery in which case 12-14 weeks
Birth could be imminent "
I hope it's a footstool.
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"DFS say 6-8 weeks
So by the OP's reckoning his sofa cannot be pregnant. I fear a malignant growth and his lack of sympathy, blaming and uncaring attitude is making the poor thing sicker than a sick thing.
It could however be a special delivery in which case 12-14 weeks
Birth could be imminent "
12-14 wks ? Yikes i dont have much time left, 8 wks gone already. What do i feed it ? Or what school to attend ? And whos gona babysit when i need to go for a shit in the toilet ? Purehoneypottttt, u know u luuuuuuv me , will u be my sofalet babysitter plssss
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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" i. Think you need to man up stop trying to push it onto others step up to your responsibilities .
Geeez i can see why jeremy kyle gets angry at times
Her
come to think of it i could take the sofa down to jeremy kyle for a lie detector test . But what do i do if the sofa fails the lie detector test ?"
Get a sit detector test as well.....it's possible to get jiggy with your sofa whilst sitting.
Granted it's not the same as lying down but it's still cheating in my book! |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
Forum Mod |
"DFS say 6-8 weeks
So by the OP's reckoning his sofa cannot be pregnant. I fear a malignant growth and his lack of sympathy, blaming and uncaring attitude is making the poor thing sicker than a sick thing.
It could however be a special delivery in which case 12-14 weeks
Birth could be imminent
12-14 wks ? Yikes i dont have much time left, 8 wks gone already. What do i feed it ? Or what school to attend ? And whos gona babysit when i need to go for a shit in the toilet ? Purehoneypottttt, u know u luuuuuuv me , will u be my sofalet babysitter plssss
"
Bollocks to that.....I've done my baby time  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"You could just try hoovering under the cushions.
Ventouse when it hasn't even crowned yet?
"
I was thinking more of a phantom pregnancy. Probably just a build up of biscuit crumbs and coins. Possibly a used condom or two. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Is it like if you cross a labradorwith a poodle, you get a labradoodle. If it was the lamp youd get a' loofa' or a samp, the carpet a cofa or a sarpet"
A sofa and a human. If it's a boy it would do well in the corner of a swingers club |
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By *icketysplitsWoman
over a year ago
Way over Yonder, that's where I'm bound |
"Is it like if you cross a labradorwith a poodle, you get a labradoodle. If it was the lamp youd get a' loofa' or a samp, the carpet a cofa or a sarpet
A sofa and a human. If it's a boy it would do well in the corner of a swingers club "
 and have the best evening.
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By *eerobCouple
over a year ago
solihull |
"Is it like if you cross a labradorwith a poodle, you get a labradoodle. If it was the lamp youd get a' loofa' or a samp, the carpet a cofa or a sarpet
A sofa and a human. If it's a boy it would do well in the corner of a swingers club "
Is that because it has loose morals or loose covers? |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Is it like if you cross a labradorwith a poodle, you get a labradoodle. If it was the lamp youd get a' loofa' or a samp, the carpet a cofa or a sarpet
A sofa and a human. If it's a boy it would do well in the corner of a swingers club
Is that because it has loose morals or loose covers? "
I was thinking the OP was the father and it would be a Longman sofa. His friends may not be so blessed. If it's a girl he can call her Sofia |
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"We need a new chair so will happily take any that you dont need. (You have any pics of her dressed up just so i can have a perv?) "
i was gonna take pix of her in a see through bra top and ann summers knickers but she broke the knickers off while twerking on the dance floor friday night. Might upload some pix of her in a see through bin bag bikini later on tho. She is a hottie especially when she bends over |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"How do you know its pregnant
Has it been having symptoms?
its been throwing up and farting all day long"
Are you sure that was the sofa when mine got pregnant it had no sickness |
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"I hate to break it to you but I'm pretty certain your sofa has a profile here. 150 verifications too - even I've had my meat in those cushions. "
Whaaaaat, i thought as much seeing my sofa keeps calling out your name while fukin her in bed., it was you who got my sofa pregnant init. Why , whyyyy , wwwwwhhhhhhhhhhhhyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy |
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