FabSwingers.com > Forums > The Lounge > favourite jokes
favourite jokes
Jump to: Newest in thread
 |
By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
what is everyones favourite joke ? clean or otherwise id like to hear them mine is as follows
two nuns out cycling nun 1 says "ive never come this way before" nun 2 replys "neither have i .....it must be the cobbles"
 |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
man walks into a tattooists and says
"i want you to do do me a tattoo of the most beautiful women in the world"
"sure" replies the tattooist "where would you like it?"
"on my wifes face" replies the man  |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By *eaboMan
over a year ago
marden |
a man takes his goldfish to the vets and tells the vet he thinks it has epilepsy. The vet examines the goldfish and says 'it looks ok to me'
'hang on a minute' says the man ' i haven't taken it out of the water yet' |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
A woman has just looked through the window while i was having a wank. she slowly walked up to the glass and mouthed the words, "GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY GARDEN"!!!!!!! pmsl |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By *aravancoupleMan
over a year ago
A Secret Hideaway In the caravan of love |
A stark naked, d*unken Australian woman, jumped into a vacant taxi in down town New Delhi.
The Indian driver was immediately beside himself and just kept on staring at the woman.
He made no attempt to start the cab.
“What's wrong with you mate, haven't you ever seen a naked white woman before?”
“I'll not be staring at you lady, I am telling you that would not be proper where I am coming from".
"Well if you’re not bloody staring at me mate, what are you doing then?"
"Well, I am telling you, I am thinking to myself where is this lady keeping the money to be paying me with."  |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
Man goes to his appointment with urologist. In the examination room he says to doctor "dont laugh"!!
"of course i wont laugh" the doctor says "im a professional and in more than 20yrs i have never laughed at a patient"!!
"Ok then" the man said as he dropped his trousers and revealed the tiniest "plinker" the doctor had ever seen. It wasnt any bigger than a Triple A battery.
Unable to control himself the doctor started to giggle, then fell to the floor laughing hysterically. 10 mins later he was able to struggle to his feet and remain his composure. "im so sorry" he said
"i really dont know what came over me" "on my word as a doctor and a gentleman, it wont happen again"......"now what seems to be the problem"?
"its swollen" the man replied.....................................
|
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
A girl standing at the gates of heaven when she hears horrible screams of pain coming from inside.
She asks St Peter what it is...
He says " thats the sound of angels getting holes drilled in their backs for wings and their heads for halos"
She says " I think id rather go to hell" !!!
St Peter replies " in hell you will be raped and buggered".
She replies "yeah but i already got the fucking holes for that!
|
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
a young woman has twins but cant afford to keep them so they are put up for adoption
one goes to a home in egypt and is called Amal
one goes to a home in spain and is called Jaun
years later Jaun sends a photo of himself to his mother.on recieving it the mother says to her husband " i wish i had a picture of his brother" to which her husband replies "they are twins arent they?" his wife replies that they are indeed twins,so her hubby says "well when you have seen Jaun........you have seen Amal !!"
|
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
A female Fabster goes to the doctors.
What can I do for you ? says the doc.
Oh doctor says the fab forumite. I am so horny and desparate for kinky sex but my husband it terribleh vanilla!
No problem says the doc. Im a bit kinky myself.Go behind the screen take all your clothes off and bend over.
A few minutes pass.
Okay madam you can get dressed now.
The woman came from behind the screen as the doc was pulling up his pants.
Oh doctor says the woman........ I didn't feel a thing.
Well I told ya I was a bit kinky says the doc.......... I just shit in your handbag! |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
Man at the doctor:
-Doc, I need your help. I've got a baby-sized cock.
-Well, how tiny is that exactly? You know the average....
-Tiny???? 21' in length and weigh over 9 pounds!!!!! |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
man goes to doctors for penis extension.doc suggests baby elephants trunk stitched on for £3000.man agrees.6 weeks later while having dinner with new woman he feels an unusual stirring in his pants and thinks "this is the night"! while chatting over dinner his cock flies out,steals some fruit off the table and goes back. "wow"! she says "can you do that again?"he says "my cock can,but i dont think my arse can take another apple". |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
A pianist was hired to play background music for a movie. When it was completed he asked when and where he could see the picture. The producer sheepishly confessed that it was actually a porno film and it was due out in a month.
A month later, the musician went to a porno theatre to see it. With his collar up and dark glasses on, he took a seat in the back row, next to a couple who also seemed to be in disguise.
The movie was even raunchier than he had feared, featuring group sex, S/M and even a dog.
After a while, the embarrassed pianist turned to the couple and said, "I'm only here to listen to the music."
"Yeah?" replied the man. "We're only here to see our dog."
|
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
A man in a wheel chair with no arms and no legs is waiting at the bus stop, when the bus pulls up and the doors Open, the bus driver says to him 'how you getting on mate' |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
A prostitute on her period decides to catch a client anyway. She thinks to herself, “I’ll find some d*unk. He won’t even notice anything.”
She goes to the bar, finds a really d*unk guy there, takes him to the nearest hotel and they spend the night together. The guy wakes up the next morning (the prostitute is already gone by then) and as he starts to get out of bed he sees that his hands are covered in blood. He starts running around the room, saying to himself in panic, “Oh my God! I killed her! I killed her!!!…”. As he runs to the bathroom he passes the mirror, stops, looks at himself for a second n then screams, “Jesus Fucking Christ, I ate her too!!!"
 |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
three mice in a glasgow pub all talking about how hard they are aberdeen mouse says i go to the mouse trap eat the cheese catch the bar as it springs do thirty press ups with it then throw it away edinburgh mouse says thats nothing i go in to the cupboard get the rat poison crush it up an i snort it up my nose
glasgow mouse drinks up and makes for the door where are you going says the others im sick of your pish im going home to shag the cat |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"man goes to doctors for penis extension.doc suggests baby elephants trunk stitched on for £3000.man agrees.6 weeks later while having dinner with new woman he feels an unusual stirring in his pants and thinks "this is the night"! while chatting over dinner his cock flies out,steals some fruit off the table and goes back. "wow"! she says "can you do that again?"he says "my cock can,but i dont think my arse can take another apple". "
Really PMSL. Superb
|
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By *averiMan
over a year ago
Swindon to bristol |
The Liverpool manager, Rafael Benitez, flies to Baghdad to watch a young Iraqi play football, and is suitably impressed and arranges him to come over to Anfield.
Two weeks later Liverpool are 4-0 down to Manchester Utd at Anfield with only 20 minutes left to play. The manager gives the young Iraqi striker the nod and on he goes.
The lad is a sensation, scores 5 goals in 20 minutes and wins the game for Liverpool . The fans are delighted, the players and coaches are delighted and the media love the new star.
When the player comes off the pitch he phones his mum to tell her about his first day in English football.
'Hello mum, guess what?' he says 'I played for 20 minutes today, and we were 4-0 down but I scored 5 and we won, Everybody loves me, the fans, the media, they all love me.'
'Wonderful,' says his mum, 'Let me tell you about my day. Your father got shot in the street and robbed; your sister and I were ambushed, gang-raped and beaten and your brother has joined a gang of looters and all while you were having such a great time playing bloody football.'
The young lad is very upset. 'What can I say mum, but I'm so sorry.'
Sorry?!!! Sorry?!!!' shrieks his mum, "It's your bloody fault we moved to Liverpool in the first place |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
I got caught by my mate sniffing his sisters knickers the other day. It was a bit of a difficult moment, especially as she was wearing them at the time.
It made the rest of her funeral very awkward for both of us... |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
Did you see saw?"
"Yeah I saw Saw."
"Did you see Saw 2?"
"I saw Saw 2 too"
"Did you see saw 3?"
"No but I saw Saw 4"
"What? Yo saw Saw 4 before yo saw Saw 3? What did you see saw 4 before you saw Saw 3 for?" |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
A Doncaster Rovers player is spotted by a Manchester United scout and is asked to go to Old Trafford for a trial. After
impressing the coaching staff and Sir Alex Ferguson, he is invited into the Scots manager's office and Fergie says, "Son, I haven't seen anyone with your talent for a long time. How would you like a contract starting at £25,000 per week."
The lad replies "£25,000 per week !!! I was lucky to get £250 at Doncaster!"
Ferguson continues "Well son, we're talking Man United here ... the best team in the country, you've got to aim high and think
big! I've also arranged a house for you, a 7 bed detached in Wilmslow .... set in 5 acres with its own pool and tennis courts."
The lad is ecstatic.
"7 bed detached!!! I've only got a council flat at Doncaster!"
Ferguson continues "I told you, we're talking Man United here... the best team in the country, you've got to aim high and think
big! I've also arranged your transport, a Jaguar XK8 for the week and a Ferrari F50 for the weekend."
The lad is on cloud nine. "A Jag and a Ferrari!!! I only had a Reliant Robin at Doncaster!"
Ferguson continues "I told you, we're talking Man United here... the best team in the country, you've got to aim high and keep thinking big!
Right I will put you on at the start of the game, but don't be surprised if I pull you off at half time."
The lad can't believe it.
"Pull me off at half time !!! I only got an orange at Doncaster!"
|
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
My wife brought home a huge tub of fancy ice cream the other night and asked if I wanted any.
'How hard is it?' I asked.
'As hard as your cock when your thinking of me naked' she replied with a wink.
'Oh, go on then' I replied, 'pour me some'. |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary. As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband, "When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?"
The husband replied, "All I wanted to do was to fuck your brains out, and suck your tits dry."
Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, "What are you thinking now?"
He replied, "It looks as if I did a pretty good job."
|
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"If one drop of sperm has more life than a drop of blood, why doesn't Dracula suck cock??  "
dracula turns up at the pub and asks the barmaid for a pint of water
surely said the barmaid you would prefer a pint of blood?
no replies dracula pulling a used tampon out from under his cloak replying ive brought a tea bag |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By *ertngladCouple
over a year ago
thornton -cleveleys |
Two blokes in a pub discussing their sex lives. 1st bloke says "we're still at it like rabbits!" 2nd bloke says "Huh...I only give her it once a month. I call it Bruce lee night. "Why?" says friend. Enter the Fucking Dragon. |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"That joke about altzheimers was great.
lol ...i almost fell for it and asked which one :P"
Aww was hoping to catch someone out 
Paddy and Mick need a good drink but only have 50p between them. Paddy takes the cash into the butchers and buys a sausage!
They then enter a bar, order two pints of Guiness and down them in one.
When the barman asks for payment Paddy puts the sausage into his fly and Mick sucks it. The barman goes mad and throws them out!
By the 10th pub, Mick says "I can't do this anymore Paddy, my knees have gone"
Paddy replies "Your knees? I lost the sausage in the 2nd pub!" |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
cant take credit for this one but made me smile......
Do you reckon when Jesus Christ stubbed his little toe he used to just hop around and go, "Me, me, me, me!"? |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
SEX AT 75.
i just took a leaflet out of my letter box informing me i can enjoy sex at 75.
its ideal because i live at 67 so its not that far to walk home afterwards. |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
On the eve of our anniversary my wife and I agreed that whoever woke up first in the morning should wake the other one with oral sex.Come the morning I was up first so I slowly pulled back the covers...... and stuck my cock in her mouth.
* creeps round grave yard * |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
Lady in labour, shouting the usual shit, "Get this out of me! Give me the drugs!" She turns to her boyfriend and says, "You did this to me, you fucker!"He casually replies, "If you remember, I wanted to stick it up your arse, but you said, 'fuck off it'll be too painful.'"
* creeps round grave yard * |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
Got on the bus, pissed and stoned out of my mind. An old lady said to me "You're going to hell, young man". So i got off the bus.
* creeps round grave yard * |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"Camilla goes to the Queen and says "Every time I suck Charles' knob I get acid indigestion."
The Queen replies "Have you tried Andrews?""
Made me LAUGH OUT LOUD!!! |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"Lady in labour, shouting the usual shit, "Get this out of me! Give me the drugs!" She turns to her boyfriend and says, "You did this to me, you fucker!"He casually replies, "If you remember, I wanted to stick it up your arse, but you said, 'fuck off it'll be too painful.'"
* creeps round grave yard * "
OMFG PMSL it was funny!!!!! |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
A little boy asks his dad: 'Where does poo come from?'
His dad explains that food passes down the oesophagus to the stomach, where digestive enzymes induce a probiotic reaction in the alimentary canal; this reaction extracts protein before waste products descend via the colon and rectum to emerge as 'poo'.
Blimey, says the little boy -
'And what about Tigger?' |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
or
This punk sits down on a bench, next to an old man reading a newspaper. After a few minutes the man looks over and stares for a long time at the punks multicoloured Mohawk.
The teenager looks over at the man and says "What's the matter old man, never done anything interesting in your life?"
The man replied "Yes, I once got pissed and fucked a parrot, I was just wondering if you were my son?" |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside.
He looked up and said weakly: 'I have something I must confess.'
'There's no need to, 'his wife replied.
'No,' he insisted, 'I want to die in peace. I slept with your sister,
your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!'
'I know,' she replied. 'Now just rest and let the poison work.' |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By *habsMan
over a year ago
Fortress of Solitude, Middlesex |
Names not to call your kids:
1) Gregory Isaac Taylor (G.I.T)
2) Claire Ursula Nora Thomas (C.U.N.T)
3) Asian boys to avoid Sukhdip (nbeed no explanation)
4) Caucasian families to avoid Gaylord (especially if the last name is Focker)
5) .. and my personal favourite ...
Tim Winston Alan Tomkins (T.W.A.T)
Regards
Richard Head. |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By *habsMan
over a year ago
Fortress of Solitude, Middlesex |
"SEX AT 75.
i just took a leaflet out of my letter box informing me i can enjoy sex at 75.
its ideal because i live at 67 so its not that far to walk home afterwards."
Pass.. I live at 240 ... uphill!!! |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
A couple just got married and on the night of their honeymoon before passionate love, the wife tells the husband, "Please be gentile, I'm still a virgin." The husband being shocked, replied, "How's this possible? You've been married three times before." The wife responds, "Well, my first husband was a gynecologist and all he wanted to do was look at it. My second husband was a psychiatrist and all he wanted to do was talk about it. Finally, my third husband was a stamp collector and all he wanted to do was...oh, do I miss him!" |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
On a more serious note people, its National adoption week this week.
i Fostered an asian boy this morning as a result.
i hit him with all 4 cans, clunk clunk clunk clunk! |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"On a more serious note people, its National adoption week this week.
i Fostered an asian boy this morning as a result.
i hit him with all 4 cans, clunk clunk clunk clunk! "
And this is funny why? |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
At the 2002 World Women's conference, the first speaker from Canada, stood up "At last years conference we spoke about being more assertive with our husbands. Well, after the conference I went home and told my husband I would no longer cook for him, and that he would have to do it himself. Afer the first day I saw nothing. After the second day I saw nothing. But after the third day I saw that he had cooked a wonderful roast lamb".
The crowd stood up, applauded and cheered.
The second speaker, from France, stood up
"After last years conference I went straight home and told my husband that I would no longer do his laundry and that he would have to do it himself. After the first day I saw nothing. After the second day I saw nothing. But after the third day I saw that not only had he done his own, but my washing as well".
Once again the audience rose to their feet, applauded and cheered.
The third speaker, from Scotland stood up "After last year's conference ah went home and tolt ma man that I widnae doo his cookin, cleanin or shoppin, and he wid hiftae doo it himsell. After the first day I saw nothin, after the second day I saw nothin, but after the third day, I could see a wee bit oota ma left eye" |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
For all those men who say why marry the cow when you can get the milk for free?
Here is an update for you!
Nowadays 80 percent of women are against marriage, why? Because women realize its not worth buying the entire pig just for a little sausage!! |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"The Liverpool manager, Rafael Benitez, flies to Baghdad to watch a young Iraqi play football, and is suitably impressed and arranges him to come over to Anfield.
Two weeks later Liverpool are 4-0 down to Manchester Utd at Anfield with only 20 minutes left to play. The manager gives the young Iraqi striker the nod and on he goes.
The lad is a sensation, scores 5 goals in 20 minutes and wins the game for Liverpool . The fans are delighted, the players and coaches are delighted and the media love the new star.
When the player comes off the pitch he phones his mum to tell her about his first day in English football.
'Hello mum, guess what?' he says 'I played for 20 minutes today, and we were 4-0 down but I scored 5 and we won, Everybody loves me, the fans, the media, they all love me.'
'Wonderful,' says his mum, 'Let me tell you about my day. Your father got shot in the street and robbed; your sister and I were ambushed, gang-raped and beaten and your brother has joined a gang of looters and all while you were having such a great time playing bloody football.'
The young lad is very upset. 'What can I say mum, but I'm so sorry.'
Sorry?!!! Sorry?!!!' shrieks his mum, "It's your bloody fault we moved to Liverpool in the first place"
thats a beut |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
Chap asked his missus what she'd do if he won the lottery. She said she'd take half and leave. He told her he'd got three numbers, gave her a fiver and told her to fuck off. |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
A terrorist walks into a pet shop, puts a bomb on the counter and screams "you have one minute before the bomb blows up"
From the back of the shop a tortoise shouts "you bastard!" |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
very old but still funny:
A priest and an Aussie shepherd were competing against each other in a quiz. After all the normal questions were finished it was a tie so the quizmaster asked them both to - within 3 minutes - come up with a poem finished with the word "Timbuktu"
The priest began:
"I was a Father, all my life,
had no children, had no wife.
I read the bible, through and through.
On my way to Timbuktu."
Then the shepherd told his version:
"When Tim and i to Brisbane went,
we met three ladies cheap to rent.
They were three and we were two,
so i booked one and Tim booked two..."
|
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
"Names not to call your kids:
1) Gregory Isaac Taylor (G.I.T)
2) Claire Ursula Nora Thomas (C.U.N.T)
3) Asian boys to avoid Sukhdip (nbeed no explanation)
4) Caucasian families to avoid Gaylord (especially if the last name is Focker)
5) .. and my personal favourite ...
Tim Winston Alan Tomkins (T.W.A.T)
Regards
Richard Head."
lol Had a friend named Tony Watt |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
» Add a new message to this topic
