FabSwingers.com > Forums > The Lounge > How do you get over someone?
How do you get over someone?
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Well there comes a time when you have to let go for your own sanity I know its hard.
But one day you're wake up and the grey clouds will lift and the sun will shine again.
I promise.  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I heard a woman say the best way to get over a man was to get under another one......
In seriousness, be there for her as a friend. Let her know that you're around if she needs anything, but stay well away from interfering commenting or trying to point out how bad her current relationship is.
If she Genuinly loves this guy and she knows that you still have feelings for her you'll be the one that looks like the bad guy, pointing out his "faults" because you have feelings for her yourself.
Make she knows you're there, keep in touch, keep an eye on her for signs of abuse, but keep well away. |
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By *adybee77Woman
over a year ago
MAMOBA, miles and miles of bugger all (Aberdeenshire) |
Time and distance.
It also depends who ended it how easy it is to move on.
I'd consider stepping back and doing things where you don't see her and are not aware of her life for a while - you are not together, so take that space to re-learn your life without her in it. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Walk away, it's all you can do, if you know she is in an abusive relationship someone else will know too, if you go getting involved you just look like the ex who gets involved in other people's business, no good can come if it, just try to move on |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I can't help having strong feelings for a previous partner. I know she is in an abusive relationship. I worry over her. I dunno what to do anymore "
Find yourself a new partner and stop wasting your time and effort on someone you have finished with .
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By *onyneMan
over a year ago
Newcastle |
Time and other things that help you move on help... There are times when things seem static and unmanageable, but then there is a realisation that you sort of feel better...hope that happens for you anyway
God luck |
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By *eithoWoman
over a year ago
Chatham |
Hardest thing in the world. What I did:
Cut off all contact. Any last sinews of 'friendship' only prolong the agony.
Get busy - fill your life with fun and lots of people.
Write a list of all her bad points and look at it when you're missing her.
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Only why is to get her completely out of your life. Staying in contact drags it out.
Plus why is she staying in a abusive relationship?! This might sound harsh but if she's decided to stay with him she should live with the consequences not you. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I can't help having strong feelings for a previous partner. I know she is in an abusive relationship. I worry over her. I dunno what to do anymore "
I had to forget someone from here. Not the same situation but was still bloody hard. Like they said, be there for her if she needs you but in the background |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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If she is in a abusive relationship you should do your upmost for her safety!
Doing it to get her favour? No.
Doing it because she will benefit? Yes
You sound like a guy with compassion, an endearing chareristic, but if it causes you turmoil why persist?
Try thinking of iggy azalea!  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Only why is to get her completely out of your life. Staying in contact drags it out.
Plus why is she staying in a abusive relationship?! This might sound harsh but if she's decided to stay with him she should live with the consequences not you. "
Iv been in a violent relationship, im hardly a shrinking violet, but it built up gradually, was hard to get away from. prior to that I'd never of believed I could end up in that position. Its not as easy when living through it as it is looking in from the outside.  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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As an ealier poster said, time and distance.
I would also just add that you should mind your own business. Her new relationship is hers and has nothing to do with you.
Don't want to sound harsh, just real. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Only why is to get her completely out of your life. Staying in contact drags it out.
Plus why is she staying in a abusive relationship?! This might sound harsh but if she's decided to stay with him she should live with the consequences not you.
Iv been in a violent relationship, im hardly a shrinking violet, but it built up gradually, was hard to get away from. prior to that I'd never of believed I could end up in that position. Its not as easy when living through it as it is looking in from the outside. "
That's very understandably but from his point of view he can't do anything to help and its only making him miserable. She is the only one who can decide to do something about her situation. So he should tell her that they shouldn't be in contact till she leaves her current bf. Maybe lossing that friendship will make her realise that she needs to get out. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"As an ealier poster said, time and distance.
I would also just add that you should mind your own business. Her new relationship is hers and has nothing to do with you.
Don't want to sound harsh, just real. "
as a guy who lost his only sister to a fckn control freak when she was 18 and 8nths pregnant, i find your comnent beyond absurd! |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I you truly love someone and lose someone I don't think you ever get over them completely.
It sounds mean but If someone you care for dies it hurts like hell you drop all their bad points remember the good one's grieve and move on eventually (unless it's a child of course)
However I truly believe if someone falls out of love with you or in love with someone else they are doing the best thing moving on rather than having an affair or just hanging in with you due to sympathy.
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Too many women are in violent relationships. All domestic abuser's are psychopathic carpet chewing arseholes with shit for brains.
It's power and control like rape It's not love they don't know or even want to know what love is. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Only why is to get her completely out of your life. Staying in contact drags it out.
Plus why is she staying in a abusive relationship?! This might sound harsh but if she's decided to stay with him she should live with the consequences not you.
Iv been in a violent relationship, im hardly a shrinking violet, but it built up gradually, was hard to get away from. prior to that I'd never of believed I could end up in that position. Its not as easy when living through it as it is looking in from the outside.
That's very understandably but from his point of view he can't do anything to help and its only making him miserable. She is the only one who can decide to do something about her situation. So he should tell her that they shouldn't be in contact till she leaves her current bf. Maybe lossing that friendship will make her realise that she needs to get out. "
without the ppl who care about me I wouldnt of dared leave in the end. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"As an ealier poster said, time and distance.
I would also just add that you should mind your own business. Her new relationship is hers and has nothing to do with you.
Don't want to sound harsh, just real. as a guy who lost his only sister to a fckn control freak when she was 18 and 8nths pregnant, i find your comnent beyond absurd!"
I would welcome your explanation of why? |
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By *ummersun99Woman
over a year ago
North Yorkshire by the Sea |
Tell her, if she ever needs your help to leave, you will be there, supporting her through it all, as a friend as she deserves that. But while she wants to stay, you can't help her so you'll give her some space to work on her relationship and you'll do what you need to. Then do what you need to, keep busy, spend time with friends, etc, supporting her from a distance (as long as your not suffering). Big hugs. It took me years to get over an ex, and then I fell for someone I could never have! Typical. Hang in there x |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"As an ealier poster said, time and distance.
I would also just add that you should mind your own business. Her new relationship is hers and has nothing to do with you.
Don't want to sound harsh, just real. as a guy who lost his only sister to a fckn control freak when she was 18 and 8nths pregnant, i find your comnent beyond absurd!
I would welcome your explanation of why?"
when people ignore abuse it escalates and the purpetrator often goes on to continue. To say to someone who "cares" for another to "mind thier own business" is absurd. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Only why is to get her completely out of your life. Staying in contact drags it out.
Plus why is she staying in a abusive relationship?! This might sound harsh but if she's decided to stay with him she should live with the consequences not you.
Iv been in a violent relationship, im hardly a shrinking violet, but it built up gradually, was hard to get away from. prior to that I'd never of believed I could end up in that position. Its not as easy when living through it as it is looking in from the outside.
That's very understandably but from his point of view he can't do anything to help and its only making him miserable. She is the only one who can decide to do something about her situation. So he should tell her that they shouldn't be in contact till she leaves her current bf. Maybe lossing that friendship will make her realise that she needs to get out.
without the ppl who care about me I wouldnt of dared leave in the end."
So are you saying he should stick around even though its unbearable for him? He has feelings to even though he isnt the "victim". He shouldn't feel guilty for leaving especially since he's tried to help already and gotten no where. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"As an ealier poster said, time and distance.
I would also just add that you should mind your own business. Her new relationship is hers and has nothing to do with you.
Don't want to sound harsh, just real. as a guy who lost his only sister to a fckn control freak when she was 18 and 8nths pregnant, i find your comnent beyond absurd!
I would welcome your explanation of why? when people ignore abuse it escalates and the purpetrator often goes on to continue. To say to someone who "cares" for another to "mind thier own business" is absurd. "
I totally agree. Often abuse is hidden and that adds to the shame and isolation. Those feeling add to the victims thought that they deserved it and their dependency to their abuser grows. Also the abusers are usually ashamed of what they do and wouldn't appreciate it being public. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"As an ealier poster said, time and distance.
I would also just add that you should mind your own business. Her new relationship is hers and has nothing to do with you.
Don't want to sound harsh, just real. as a guy who lost his only sister to a fckn control freak when she was 18 and 8nths pregnant, i find your comnent beyond absurd!
I would welcome your explanation of why? when people ignore abuse it escalates and the purpetrator often goes on to continue. To say to someone who "cares" for another to "mind thier own business" is absurd.
I totally agree. Often abuse is hidden and that adds to the shame and isolation. Those feeling add to the victims thought that they deserved it and their dependency to their abuser grows. Also the abusers are usually ashamed of what they do and wouldn't appreciate it being public. "
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"As an ealier poster said, time and distance.
I would also just add that you should mind your own business. Her new relationship is hers and has nothing to do with you.
Don't want to sound harsh, just real. as a guy who lost his only sister to a fckn control freak when she was 18 and 8nths pregnant, i find your comnent beyond absurd!
I would welcome your explanation of why? when people ignore abuse it escalates and the purpetrator often goes on to continue. To say to someone who "cares" for another to "mind thier own business" is absurd. "
You're making a lot of assumptions. The Op hasn't said or suggested that his ex wants him to have anything to do with her or her new relationship. For me it's a huge assumption that someone would reach out to an ex for help in their new relationship, especially one that hasn't got over them. (I know it can happen but it's very rare).
Sadly for the Op it sounds like she's got over him, the issue being that he hasn't got over her. Genuine concerns then maybe the police, if not then he needs to let go for his own sanity. 18 months is longer than some marriages! |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I can't help having strong feelings for a previous partner. I know she is in an abusive relationship. I worry over her. I dunno what to do anymore "
Cut all contact,block any possible way of contact Facebook etc..very hard but its the best and only way. Out of sight out of mind (eventually) |
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Fill your life so that you are stimulated and satisfied. And deal with any pain in a way that works for you.
As others say, time helps us to heal. We need to grieve for the losses we face - not letting go stops that natural process from getting fully underway. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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With great difficulty. However you have to decide you really want to get over them to stand a chance. Once that decision is made in your heart the rest is possible |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Oh cheers for that. 18 months on and I still can't get her out of my head "
6 years on and I still love my ex, a lot of conflict has gone on which means that now I don't particularly like him but my heart doesn't ache for him anymore, I can function fine but I still wish we could have lasted.
Time does heal and it will get you to a place where you can think of them and have neutral feelings. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I can't help having strong feelings for a previous partner. I know she is in an abusive relationship. I worry over her. I dunno what to do anymore
Find yourself a new partner and stop wasting your time and effort on someone you have finished with .
"
This. |
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"Time and distance.
It also depends who ended it how easy it is to move on.
I'd consider stepping back and doing things where you don't see her and are not aware of her life for a while - you are not together, so take that space to re-learn your life without her in it."
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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Can I confide in my fellow fabsters? She left him a fortnight ago and didn't have anywhere to go, so she went and stopped at her friends. He has beat her up at least once to my knowledge, he is cruel to her children and shouts at them constantly, and he wastes all their benefits on drink. I met her and hugged her and comforted her while she sobbed, and gave her my last 20 pound, this was last Monday, she said she was going to collect her stuff with her mum and stepdad on Friday night, next thing I hear she is back with him and I have been cut dead. I am as vulnerable as she is, I have only just returned to work after 6 months on the dole, and I recently lost my youngest brother to suicide. I feel completely crapped on |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
Forum Mod |
"Can I confide in my fellow fabsters? She left him a fortnight ago and didn't have anywhere to go, so she went and stopped at her friends. He has beat her up at least once to my knowledge, he is cruel to her children and shouts at them constantly, and he wastes all their benefits on drink. I met her and hugged her and comforted her while she sobbed, and gave her my last 20 pound, this was last Monday, she said she was going to collect her stuff with her mum and stepdad on Friday night, next thing I hear she is back with him and I have been cut dead. I am as vulnerable as she is, I have only just returned to work after 6 months on the dole, and I recently lost my youngest brother to suicide. I feel completely crapped on "
You need to concentrate on yourself and your own well being now |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Update. I have been used-when will I ever learn?
If it's happened before and you haven't learned your lesson you're either incredibly stupid or you love the drama. Or a combination of the two."
It must be great being such a perfect human being. |
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By *iggy1Woman
over a year ago
DORCHESTER |
Chin up mate... On average it will take seven attempts for a woman to leave an abusive relationship, they brainwash you into thinking your worthless stupid and can't survive on your own... One day she will have that light bulb moment and say enough is enough!
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"Update. I have been used-when will I ever learn?
If it's happened before and you haven't learned your lesson you're either incredibly stupid or you love the drama. Or a combination of the two.
It must be great being such a perfect human being."
Ha. I'm far from perfect. I just don't waste my time and energy on people who don't appreciate my efforts then come online to bleat about my life to strangers. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Update. I have been used-when will I ever learn?
If it's happened before and you haven't learned your lesson you're either incredibly stupid or you love the drama. Or a combination of the two.
It must be great being such a perfect human being.
Ha. I'm far from perfect. I just don't waste my time and energy on people who don't appreciate my efforts then come online to bleat about my life to strangers."
i said this on another thread and got called heartless
im keeping stum  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Ha. I'm far from perfect. I just don't waste my time and energy on people who don't appreciate my efforts then come online to bleat about my life to strangers."
Sometimes it's easier to talk to people you don't know and some people might not have a shoulder to cry on.
The guy is obviously hurting, I don't see how calling him stupid really helps.  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Update. I have been used-when will I ever learn?
If it's happened before and you haven't learned your lesson you're either incredibly stupid or you love the drama. Or a combination of the two.
It must be great being such a perfect human being.
Ha. I'm far from perfect. I just don't waste my time and energy on people who don't appreciate my efforts then come online to bleat about my life to strangers."
You don't have to comment on threads that you don't agree with!! |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Can I confide in my fellow fabsters? She left him a fortnight ago and didn't have anywhere to go, so she went and stopped at her friends. He has beat her up at least once to my knowledge, he is cruel to her children and shouts at them constantly, and he wastes all their benefits on drink. I met her and hugged her and comforted her while she sobbed, and gave her my last 20 pound, this was last Monday, she said she was going to collect her stuff with her mum and stepdad on Friday night, next thing I hear she is back with him and I have been cut dead. I am as vulnerable as she is, I have only just returned to work after 6 months on the dole, and I recently lost my youngest brother to suicide. I feel completely crapped on "
Time to take care of yourself. I hope you find the support you need and that time heals the hurt you are feeling right now. Take care |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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It doesn't necessarily mean Cassius andJacqs are heartless as such, it probably just means they wouldn't tolerate any bullshit. I wish I could be more like it but I ain't |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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i will post
the OP mentioned he hasnt many family or friends so this is his platform to meet and chat to people
its sad to see that u was used, even with the best intentions people out there do take advantage and use people and when you are down it feels worse!
but walk away cut ties and start again, its life telling you she wasnt for you
as for yor brother passing im sorry for your loss, i hope you spoke to your doctor about a councilor as they can help you get through this and will
(nhs can give u some free sessions)
I hope things get better for u |
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"Ha. I'm far from perfect. I just don't waste my time and energy on people who don't appreciate my efforts then come online to bleat about my life to strangers.
Sometimes it's easier to talk to people you don't know and some people might not have a shoulder to cry on.
The guy is obviously hurting, I don't see how calling him stupid really helps. "
Sometimes the truth as seen by others is more helpful than useless sympathy. |
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"It doesn't necessarily mean Cassius andJacqs are heartless as such, it probably just means they wouldn't tolerate any bullshit. I wish I could be more like it but I ain't "
It just takes practice, Jack. |
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"Update. I have been used-when will I ever learn?
If it's happened before and you haven't learned your lesson you're either incredibly stupid or you love the drama. Or a combination of the two.
It must be great being such a perfect human being.
Ha. I'm far from perfect. I just don't waste my time and energy on people who don't appreciate my efforts then come online to bleat about my life to strangers.
You don't have to comment on threads that you don't agree with!!"
True. But it wasn't a case of agreeing or disagreeing with anything, was it? Well, except for you and one or three others disagreeing with what I said. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"True. But it wasn't a case of agreeing or disagreeing with anything, was it? Well, except for you and one or three others disagreeing with what I said."
If you mean me I didn't disagree (nor did I give sympathy), I'm just not sure of how much help it was considering he's clearly upset. Rarely does the tough love approach work, people just have to get through it in their own way. I just see it as kicking a dog while he's down.
I suppose a spectrum of opinions is probably more helpful than a purely one-sided response though. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I can't help having strong feelings for a previous partner. I know she is in an abusive relationship. I worry over her. I dunno what to do anymore "
be thankful it happened not sad that its over, time will heal your heart my friend... ive been where you are its a difficult road but chin up |
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It's best to focus on what you have and what you want (I don't mean her but say a new partner, promotion at work etc) rather than what you don't have, don't want or lost. Fill your life with good people and good things. Easier said than done, I've been there so my thoughts are with you x |
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We need to allow ourselves to grieve when we've lost someone. That's separate from doing what we can to protect someone, if there are no others to do that.
We grieve differently. As well as losing someone, it's also the loss of our dreams and probably happier selves. That's tough and there's no easy magic wand.
It means becoming our best friend and building ourselves up, nurturing and loving ourselves compassionately. It's usually not about staying stuck but to invest in something new and certainly ourselves. |
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