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Forgiveness
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"I don't think there is such thing as unconditional love unless it's a child tbh
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So what about a parent? Is there a limit for how long you can love them? Or how much shit they can put you through before you can never love them again? :-/ |
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"Yes
What if you're supposed to love them unconditionally? Could you still love them but not be able to forgive them? "
I'm not sure any if the people I love unconditionally could do anything I couldn't forgive, well actually there is something I couldn't forgive but I will never be in that position
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I can forgive, but I NEVER forget! If someone wrongs me, I never look at that person the same again and I am not as open with certain information.
If anyone wronged my family I would never forgive them.
Plus if anyone I know ever hurt a child or an animal - I would be done with them! |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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dont make yourself ill over it though..
nothing weighs more than holding a grudge. im far happier when i say 'you fucked up.. ill forgive you but wont forget'.
life is too short to hate people. |
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By *ola.Woman
over a year ago
Just where I need to be. |
I can forgive, which means for me letting go of the emotions that I felt towards that person. It is not easy. Forget is much harder as experiences happen that remind you. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I don't think there is such thing as unconditional love unless it's a child tbh
So what about a parent? Is there a limit for how long you can love them? Or how much shit they can put you through before you can never love them again? :-/ "
I think it's more a reflection on the parent than the child's actions if a parent turns their back on their offspring. |
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"dont make yourself ill over it though..
nothing weighs more than holding a grudge. im far happier when i say 'you fucked up.. ill forgive you but wont forget'.
life is too short to hate people. "
This is more serious than just 'fucking up' though  |
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I was brought up being told that love between family members is unconditional.. But I think you're right in saying you can only have unconditional love for your child. But I also don't think that everyone loves their child unconditionally |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"dont make yourself ill over it though..
nothing weighs more than holding a grudge. im far happier when i say 'you fucked up.. ill forgive you but wont forget'.
life is too short to hate people.
This is more serious than just 'fucking up' though "
well only u know if u can cut ties with your mum.. im just saying from my point of view.
ive not had the best experiences with my mum but we are stronger now. she called social services and made serious allegations about other things.. but i only have one mum |
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"I was brought up being told that love between family members is unconditional.. But I think you're right in saying you can only have unconditional love for your child. But I also don't think that everyone loves their child unconditionally "
I sadly agree. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"So what about a parent? Is there a limit for how long you can love them? Or how much shit they can put you through before you can never love them again? :-/ "
You are right in saying that, family is family but I think it would come down to what has caused the issues and some things are unforgivable, even more so when it's someone that close to you |
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We were talking about this yesterday coincidentally.
We decided that rather than let an event or person ruin our lives we would try and forgive in order to move forward. The problem with that of course is that some things cause so much damage that forgiveness is almost impossible. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Is there anything that somebody could do that you could never ever forgive them for? "
Difficult to answer honestly, I guess I would only really know when someone has done it. |
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It's probably easier if I just explain. Most of you know im on crutches, and that my mum is an alcoholic. on Friday night she pushed me down the stairs. I called the police and she bailed. I'm too afraid to face her and I get all panicky when I think about leaving my room in case she's around. So I don't know if I'll ever be able to forgive her, or even if I should |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Brian hannah I will never forgive for murdering my brother......he's currently rotting in a cell.
Not even close to punishment enough.
That's what I mean by almost impossible to forgive."
Take the word 'almost' out of that.....there's nothing that will ever change my views on him...... |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I believe if you offer forgiveness then you are saying the actions where acceptable, which I'm guessing they wasn't.
You will never forget, it's human nature.
Best to agree to draw a line under the situation and move on, either with the 'offender' or without   |
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"Brian hannah I will never forgive for murdering my brother......he's currently rotting in a cell.
Not even close to punishment enough.
That's what I mean by almost impossible to forgive.
Take the word 'almost' out of that.....there's nothing that will ever change my views on him......"
Yes sorry, I would never presume to tell you how you should deal with that. |
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"It's probably easier if I just explain. Most of you know im on crutches, and that my mum is an alcoholic. on Friday night she pushed me down the stairs. I called the police and she bailed. I'm too afraid to face her and I get all panicky when I think about leaving my room in case she's around. So I don't know if I'll ever be able to forgive her, or even if I should "
I think you can get passed that. It will be hard. Can any family member or close friend mediate a talk between you and your mum?
I hope you can get it sorted. |
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By *ipswingCouple
over a year ago
portrush |
we are told a lot of stuff..usually by those that have the power.. i was told you have to respect your parents .. ..but respect has to be earned.. the only hard and fast rule is that we are who we are..and no one is perfect... unforgivable is unforgivable .. even though it hurts to accept ... and even with forgiveness ..wrong is still wrong.. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Brian hannah I will never forgive for murdering my brother......he's currently rotting in a cell.
Not even close to punishment enough.
That's what I mean by almost impossible to forgive.
Take the word 'almost' out of that.....there's nothing that will ever change my views on him......
Yes sorry, I would never presume to tell you how you should deal with that."
It didn't come across as you were doing, it's very cool......it's just a bit raw still all these years on..... |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"It's probably easier if I just explain. Most of you know im on crutches, and that my mum is an alcoholic. on Friday night she pushed me down the stairs. I called the police and she bailed. I'm too afraid to face her and I get all panicky when I think about leaving my room in case she's around. So I don't know if I'll ever be able to forgive her, or even if I should "
That's horrible!
Was she intoxicated at the time?
If she wasn't I wouldn't forgive, but if she was I'd insist on her getting rehab.
I'd give her the choice alcohol and no daughter, OR no alcohol and a daughter! |
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"Brian hannah I will never forgive for murdering my brother......he's currently rotting in a cell.
Not even close to punishment enough.
That's what I mean by almost impossible to forgive.
Take the word 'almost' out of that.....there's nothing that will ever change my views on him......
Yes sorry, I would never presume to tell you how you should deal with that.
It didn't come across as you were doing, it's very cool......it's just a bit raw still all these years on....."
Good |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Brian hannah I will never forgive for murdering my brother......he's currently rotting in a cell.
Not even close to punishment enough. "
Wait until he comes out and give him a beating! I wouldn't hesitate at doing it! |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I don't think there is such thing as unconditional love unless it's a child tbh
So what about a parent? Is there a limit for how long you can love them? Or how much shit they can put you through before you can never love them again? :-/ "
In my opinion yes. Not spoken to mine for years. There is no love, I don't miss them. And I'll never forgive them. |
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"It's probably easier if I just explain. Most of you know im on crutches, and that my mum is an alcoholic. on Friday night she pushed me down the stairs. I called the police and she bailed. I'm too afraid to face her and I get all panicky when I think about leaving my room in case she's around. So I don't know if I'll ever be able to forgive her, or even if I should
That's horrible!
Was she intoxicated at the time?
If she wasn't I wouldn't forgive, but if she was I'd insist on her getting rehab.
I'd give her the choice alcohol and no daughter, OR no alcohol and a daughter!"
She had been d*unk for 5 hours before this happened. I've insisted on rehab. I sent her off in an ambulance 6 weeks ago and she's having councilling but she's so good at lying that she just lies to the professionals too.
I gave her that choice when I was 11... It took a few years for me to realise that she would always choose alcohol over me and my sisters. I'm only staying at her place now because I've got nowhere else to go at the moment |
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By *ickawitchCouple
over a year ago
Away with the fairies (Liverpool to you) |
I had some pretty horrendous things happen to me as a child which have left physical as well as emotional scars but I don't hate anyone - it's too strong an emotion and I won't waste it or become the person who needs it...... I believe you can love people but not like them - dislike them intensely even but a bond is there.
Everyone has a different story to tell and a different way to cope with their lives you need to be the best person you can be and if that involves hating or never forgiving then so be it - you can still be a good person, a better person that those who wronged you.
Your feelings are your feelings and you are entitled to feel them and don't ever let anyone tell you any different....you just need to search for your way forward and your path will appear - I wis you well   |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"It's probably easier if I just explain. Most of you know im on crutches, and that my mum is an alcoholic. on Friday night she pushed me down the stairs. I called the police and she bailed. I'm too afraid to face her and I get all panicky when I think about leaving my room in case she's around. So I don't know if I'll ever be able to forgive her, or even if I should
I think you can get passed that. It will be hard. Can any family member or close friend mediate a talk between you and your mum?
I hope you can get it sorted."
I agree.....it's sortable....mediation, detox for mum etc....not easy, but doable I hope..... |
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"I was brought up being told that love between family members is unconditional.. But I think you're right in saying you can only have unconditional love for your child. But I also don't think that everyone loves their child unconditionally "
Unfortunately you're right in saying some parents don't love their children unconditionally...I'll never forget or forgive what my dad did to me and us as a family, am I holding a grudge? No, I'm being real about it and saying, I just won't ever forgive or forget it...we all make mistakes, it's part and parcel of being human, trial and error, mistakes and learning etc but when somebody makes the same mistakes over and over again, knowing they're immoral, knowing how much they're affecting everyone around them and knowing that they're just so fucking self absorbed and selfish not to even try and make any changes to rectify their mistakes that's when they are dropped and can love their sorry arses unconditionally themselves...I've been wronged and done wrong myself, forgiven others and been forgiven myself but the only person I'm never going to forgive is my sperm donor, biological dad...because he was supposed to love unconditionally, it's more to do with what you expect from a person sometimes and the disappointment that comes from their choices...took me a good few years trying to understand it all without any explanations and still being a child but it was more hassle than it was worth...in the end just cutting all ties and living your life without someone that sickens you is much, much easier and gratifying than trying to make sense of things! 17 years without forgiving or forgetting and I've never been happier!  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"It's probably easier if I just explain. Most of you know im on crutches, and that my mum is an alcoholic. on Friday night she pushed me down the stairs. I called the police and she bailed. I'm too afraid to face her and I get all panicky when I think about leaving my room in case she's around. So I don't know if I'll ever be able to forgive her, or even if I should
That's horrible!
Was she intoxicated at the time?
If she wasn't I wouldn't forgive, but if she was I'd insist on her getting rehab.
I'd give her the choice alcohol and no daughter, OR no alcohol and a daughter!
She had been d*unk for 5 hours before this happened. I've insisted on rehab. I sent her off in an ambulance 6 weeks ago and she's having councilling but she's so good at lying that she just lies to the professionals too.
I gave her that choice when I was 11... It took a few years for me to realise that she would always choose alcohol over me and my sisters. I'm only staying at her place now because I've got nowhere else to go at the moment "
Awful situation - sometimes it's hard to come off because the body needs the alcohol and sometimes the person is in senile about the damage it is causing.
I hope this situation sorts itself out - she needs help! |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Brian hannah I will never forgive for murdering my brother......he's currently rotting in a cell.
Not even close to punishment enough.
Wait until he comes out and give him a beating! I wouldn't hesitate at doing it!"
I know I wouldn't stop at a beating..... |
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"I had some pretty horrendous things happen to me as a child which have left physical as well as emotional scars but I don't hate anyone - it's too strong an emotion and I won't waste it or become the person who needs it...... I believe you can love people but not like them - dislike them intensely even but a bond is there.
Everyone has a different story to tell and a different way to cope with their lives you need to be the best person you can be and if that involves hating or never forgiving then so be it - you can still be a good person, a better person that those who wronged you.
Your feelings are your feelings and you are entitled to feel them and don't ever let anyone tell you any different....you just need to search for your way forward and your path will appear - I wis you well "
I think hate is a wasted emotion. I don't hate my mum, I just don't love her any more. Same goes for my ex husband. I don't hate him, it's pointless hating someone you don't give a crap about. |
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"I don't think there is such thing as unconditional love unless it's a child tbh
So what about a parent? Is there a limit for how long you can love them? Or how much shit they can put you through before you can never love them again? :-/ "
I haven't read all replies.
There is a HUGE thought that needs to be given here.
Separate the two ideas.
Forgive your parents always.
NEVER put up with shite. If they are not changing LEAVE.
Forgive them always but don't PUT UP with wrong doing.
There's a fundamental difference.
You need to forgive to heal and be at peace.
YOu need to GET OUT of their shit for self preservation.
Incidentally - Parents will always take children back no matter what.
They are not your children. Remember that. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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OP what would you do if she was just a friend and not your mum?
Family blood ties etc is all bullshit. It works both ways. Don't feel guilty if you want to get out. It's an abusive relationship and you deserve better. |
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"OP what would you do if she was just a friend and not your mum?
Family blood ties etc is all bullshit. It works both ways. Don't feel guilty if you want to get out. It's an abusive relationship and you deserve better. "
I'd never be friends with somebody like that in the first place, but I get where you're coming from. Thank you. And everyone else, thank you. |
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You need to remember that shes controlled by the alcohol witch takes control of her life but most addicts never learn until they have lost everything ive been though Similar with my Brother weve had fights where ive never hit him back hes hit me with his car etc but when he wasnt drinking he was a Different person |
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"It's probably easier if I just explain. Most of you know im on crutches, and that my mum is an alcoholic. on Friday night she pushed me down the stairs. I called the police and she bailed. I'm too afraid to face her and I get all panicky when I think about leaving my room in case she's around. So I don't know if I'll ever be able to forgive her, or even if I should
That's horrible!
Was she intoxicated at the time?
If she wasn't I wouldn't forgive, but if she was I'd insist on her getting rehab.
I'd give her the choice alcohol and no daughter, OR no alcohol and a daughter!
She had been d*unk for 5 hours before this happened. I've insisted on rehab. I sent her off in an ambulance 6 weeks ago and she's having councilling but she's so good at lying that she just lies to the professionals too.
I gave her that choice when I was 11... It took a few years for me to realise that she would always choose alcohol over me and my sisters. I'm only staying at her place now because I've got nowhere else to go at the moment "
Do you know the reasons behind her becoming an alcoholic? Some things need to be taken right back to where they began and sorted out at the roots...addiction is seen as selfish thing to most people and in many cases they're probably right but sometimes it's a lot deeper than that...it's not right what your mother did from an outsiders point of view but none of us are you, none of us know the background to the full extent that you do...take some comments on board if they help but ultimately only you can decide what to do about it all...sometimes walking away from someone doesn't mean you stop loving or caring for them but it's you simply saying that you can't deal with it all...I wish you well, it's a horrible position to be in...if you ever need a stranger to talk to that's been in a similar position then pm me...  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Is there anything that somebody could do that you could never ever forgive them for? "
im sorry to read about your dilema but alcholism is a terrible addiction. most dont know or care how much they hurt those closest to them and often become violent. you can get her sectioned if your lving in fear. i do hope you forgive one day but for now your safety is most important seek professinal help soon please!
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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" ...
..sometimes walking away from someone doesn't mean you stop loving or caring for them but it's you simply saying that you can't deal with it all...I wish you well, it's a horrible position to be in...if you ever need a stranger to talk to that's been in a similar position then pm me... "
Save yourself, doesn't mean you don't love her. Walking away could give her the wake up call she needs. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I lived with an alcoholic for 5 years, it was hell.
He was dead at 50 I forgave him at his funeral
"
My dad was an alcoholic he was way beyond abusive, me and my sister spent years in care homes and foster families with people who didn't really want us, he never tried to get us back, I didn't even go to his funeral, I never forgave him for choosing drink over us and forcing us to have the life we had |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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As a less doom and gloom thought.....my 16 year old son has said he will never forgive me for limiting his internet access on a school night. I have ruined his life apparently and he may have to start cutting himself (he really said that). Its subjective and fluid the criteria for forgiveness and I have been severely wronged, sometimes I forgive and then when the next mercurial mood takes me I find I can't forgive as its unforgivable (nothing to do with the internet)  |
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My Mum is an alcoholic. She has done some terrible, terrible things in the past because of alcohol.
I love my Mum, but I don't like her. I had to move 260 miles away to realise the damage she was doing to me.
Alcohol is a horrid, dangerous drug that should be made illegal.
But until that happens you just have to fight. Go to your council, say you are living in fear, they may be able to help you and your sister. If not, in my area they are called CRI or CDAS but they help people with drug and alcohol addiction and also the families of, they may be able to get you and your sister re-homed. Try a womens refuge, they aren't just for abused wives. |
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I will start by saying I have been very fortunate to have never lived with or even really known anyone with an addiction to drugs or alcohol so have no first hand experience of what you are going through
However
From reading your various posts on here it is clear you are not happy living with your family. You can't force someone to change no matter how much they are hurting you. The only life you have any control over is yours so take control.
You say have nowhere to go...can you not stay with friends etc? Are you registered without local social housing scheme? At your age there is guess that social services can't do much for you but if i remember right you have young siblings?
I know you lost your job due to your illness and again I'm not sure of the specifics but have you looked for other jobs to help you get out of where you are living now? Are you on any benefits that can help you get housing? |
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" ...
..sometimes walking away from someone doesn't mean you stop loving or caring for them but it's you simply saying that you can't deal with it all...I wish you well, it's a horrible position to be in...if you ever need a stranger to talk to that's been in a similar position then pm me...
Save yourself, doesn't mean you don't love her. Walking away could give her the wake up call she needs. "
Or it couldn't, some people still don't give a shit and carry on or even better themselves without you in their lives but that's when walking away has given yourself a wake up call and has taught you that they never loved you and you were just worrying yourself, stressing about whether you were right or wrong in thinking about walking away or not...Always more endings than one! Some people are a lost cause and you're forced to give up on them, it's not easy saying enough is enough but could possibly be the best decision of your life in the long run...life's too short to be letting other people dictate it for you and dragging you down...as children we dictated my mums life 17 years ago and it was the biggest wake up call for her, choosing a low life piece of shit or her children and actually living...for some it's about being given a kick up the arse to find the courage to say enough's enough and leaving forever! |
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You are in an abusive relationship domestic violence is on the increase with family members on family members. If you feel at threat of violence which clearly you are if your mum pushed you down the stairs then complete a homeless application you don't need a local connection if you are fleeing violence. Sometimes we have to accept that a person won't change and you have to set yourself free. As for uncondtionally love within families I disagree there was a period of time my mum didn't want to know me because of my actions it took that for me to see what a cunt I was. If you need any advice regarding housing PM me. X |
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"I don't think there is such thing as unconditional love unless it's a child tbh
So what about a parent? Is there a limit for how long you can love them? Or how much shit they can put you through before you can never love them again? :-/ "
Of course there is. People think I'm bitter towards my Dad and am holding a grudge against him, and apparently I should "forgive him as life's too short" when in fact I don't waste any emotion on that man. I don't hate him, I don't love him, I feel nothing when I think about him.
I cut him out of my life for my own sanity when he would do one thing after the other with no remorse and my life is so much better for it.
- Amy. x |
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"My Mum is an alcoholic. She has done some terrible, terrible things in the past because of alcohol.
I love my Mum, but I don't like her. I had to move 260 miles away to realise the damage she was doing to me.
Alcohol is a horrid, dangerous drug that should be made illegal.
But until that happens you just have to fight. Go to your council, say you are living in fear, they may be able to help you and your sister. If not, in my area they are called CRI or CDAS but they help people with drug and alcohol addiction and also the families of, they may be able to get you and your sister re-homed. Try a womens refuge, they aren't just for abused wives. "
Women's refuges are brilliant...try this op or stay with friends or family if possible...where there's a will, there's a way...my mum had herself and three children under 16 with her but managed it, we stayed with an Aunty for a month until the council managed to house us, nothing but the floor to sleep on and nothing but a carrier bag each of clothes we managed to sneak out when leaving, for months it was all we had until we could slowly afford to get things...it'll be a struggle but it'll be worth it in the end, having good friends around you will help...and lots of determination! If you feel strongly about something, you will find a way out. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"You are in an abusive relationship domestic violence is on the increase with family members on family members. If you feel at threat of violence which clearly you are if your mum pushed you down the stairs then complete a homeless application you don't need a local connection if you are fleeing violence. Sometimes we have to accept that a person won't change and you have to set yourself free. As for uncondtionally love within families I disagree there was a period of time my mum didn't want to know me because of my actions it took that for me to see what a cunt I was. If you need any advice regarding housing PM me. X"
This
People only treat you how you allow them to
Make a stand and move out, this will show her your not taking her treatment anymore
It won't be easy but by staying all your doing is giving her the red light to carry on behaving as she is |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I had some pretty horrendous things happen to me as a child which have left physical as well as emotional scars but I don't hate anyone - it's too strong an emotion and I won't waste it or become the person who needs it...... I believe you can love people but not like them - dislike them intensely even but a bond is there.
Everyone has a different story to tell and a different way to cope with their lives you need to be the best person you can be and if that involves hating or never forgiving then so be it - you can still be a good person, a better person that those who wronged you.
Your feelings are your feelings and you are entitled to feel them and don't ever let anyone tell you any different....you just need to search for your way forward and your path will appear - I wis you well
I think hate is a wasted emotion. I don't hate my mum, I just don't love her any more. Same goes for my ex husband. I don't hate him, it's pointless hating someone you don't give a crap about. "
I always used to say I dont hate my dad because hates an emotion and I feel nothing for him at all
I understand how you feel, people do not understand what its like to live with an alcholoic till they have been through it and as a child your trapped, thing is as you grow older it feels normal so you put up with it
I hope things get better for you x |
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"Contact Womens aid they maybe able to assist you and your sister is your sister under 16? "
My sister is 18 and doesn't want to leave even though my mum threw a Hoover at her. My youngest sister is at boarding school and social services are no longer involved because she's only home for holidays and one weekend a month.
I left when I was 12 (well, she kicked me out and I didn't go back for 8 years), and my dad keeps saying that it's his fault that my sister went back, but he's also saying I can't leave without her.
I'm going to the council AGAIN on Monday to try to get some help.
I think a part of me wants to stay, but I don't know why.
And in response to other posts about living with family or friends, my only real friend just moved 200 miles away, and my dad has no space for me, plus my step mum won't let me be alone in the house with her kids because of bullshit accusations from my ex husband. |
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"Contact Womens aid they maybe able to assist you and your sister is your sister under 16?
My sister is 18 and doesn't want to leave even though my mum threw a Hoover at her. My youngest sister is at boarding school and social services are no longer involved because she's only home for holidays and one weekend a month.
I left when I was 12 (well, she kicked me out and I didn't go back for 8 years), and my dad keeps saying that it's his fault that my sister went back, but he's also saying I can't leave without her.
I'm going to the council AGAIN on Monday to try to get some help.
I think a part of me wants to stay, but I don't know why.
And in response to other posts about living with family or friends, my only real friend just moved 200 miles away, and my dad has no space for me, plus my step mum won't let me be alone in the house with her kids because of bullshit accusations from my ex husband.
Give your sometime away from the situation... "
Yourself away from the situation if you wasn't so far away I'd of offered my spare room for a few days to give yourself some time to think. I really hope you can sort it out one way or another |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"It's probably easier if I just explain. Most of you know im on crutches, and that my mum is an alcoholic. on Friday night she pushed me down the stairs. I called the police and she bailed. I'm too afraid to face her and I get all panicky when I think about leaving my room in case she's around. So I don't know if I'll ever be able to forgive her, or even if I should "
(Mrs here) my 2 younger half sisters grew up with an alcoholic mother (my stepmum) when sober she was lovely but when d*unk evil and bitter! I remember rescuing my youngest half sister when she needed to get out! You have to remember alcoholism is an addiction and an illness, and it is the alcohol that makes them act the way they do! Your 21 so my advice to you would be to move out and provide your mother with some tough love! People with addictions have to reach rock bottom before turning themselves around. They also have to want to be helped. For your own sanity you need some space away from your mum, both my younger sisters suffered terribly, one started self harming and the other is now recovering from anorexia! I believe there mum caused their problems.... Get out if you can my darling! Stay strong xxxx |
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I haven't spoken to my sister for 30 years. It wasn't one thing she did, it was just her.
Never liked her as kids and she just got worse. Apparently she has changed these days but I haven't needed to speak to her so I don't see the point.
Like some here, I can carry grudges and I am not sure I have forgiven what she did to Mum.
No point in meeting to have a row.
Not proud of it, but status quo is working fine here. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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You don't need to forgive her, or forget, or try to get her approval and make her love you, or question whether she loves you or not, or even care. She's fucked things up, she's the one with problems, and even if she's sorry she needs to prove it and make every bit of effort from now on with you, and if you don't wanna accept her efforts because they're not good enough you don't need to feel bad about it. She's the only one with anything going on in her head that needs sorting and she needs to be the one thinking about what she's done.
Not bothered with my parents for over 10 years now. My dad still calls occasionally, i don't tell him anything and just answer his questions, but i cut myself off from him emotionally almost 2 decades ago and my mental health improved drastically over this time.
You don't need to forgive, i think you have the right attitude in not hating and not giving a shit. Hope you get out of there asap. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Contact Womens aid they maybe able to assist you and your sister is your sister under 16?
My sister is 18 and doesn't want to leave even though my mum threw a Hoover at her. My youngest sister is at boarding school and social services are no longer involved because she's only home for holidays and one weekend a month.
I left when I was 12 (well, she kicked me out and I didn't go back for 8 years), and my dad keeps saying that it's his fault that my sister went back, but he's also saying I can't leave without her.
I'm going to the council AGAIN on Monday to try to get some help.
I think a part of me wants to stay, but I don't know why.
And in response to other posts about living with family or friends, my only real friend just moved 200 miles away, and my dad has no space for me, plus my step mum won't let me be alone in the house with her kids because of bullshit accusations from my ex husband. "
You want to stay because you care. Nothing wrong with that.
Look up the local women's aid/ domestic violence people. They will understand and help. x
You have a lot of people thinking about you! |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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My Dad is an alcoholic. He beat the crap out of me with a pool cue when I was 14. Sober, hes the loveliest guy ever, d*unk he turns into an argumentative asshole. As the eldest I always felt a sense of responsibility, and loads of guilt related feelings over leaving, but at 16 I moved out, and have never lived back home again.
I stayed in contact at Christmas and birthdays, but it took until I was about 25 to start really wanting to mend bridges. I'd broken down on the M5, with no break down cover, and for some reason felt the urge to call my Dad. He advised me what to do over the phone etc, and afterwards my Mum confided that he broke down in tears after the call saying he never thought I'd need him for anything again.
And that was the start of a journey of re building the relationship. He's still an alcoholic, and still an argumentative asshole when d*unk, and we've had more than a few arguments along the way, but I can hand on heart say ive forgiven him.
Theres a whole lot more to the story, but ultimately I had to be at a point where I didnt need him in my life, and where his past actions and behaviour weren't influencing anything about my own life and behaviour (I did go through councelling that really helped).
I do know though that I could never live at home again. Ive sofa surfed, rented rooms in dodgy shared houses, slept in my car, caravans and in tents...any other option ive had, than move back. I just couldnt handle being back in that environment, and is why we're able to maintain a great relationship now.
Sending you lots of hugs, and I hope your situation gets better xx |
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By *heOwlMan
over a year ago
Altrincham |
"Is there anything that somebody could do that you could never ever forgive them for? "
Oh hell yes. They say one should forgive and forget - well there are some things that cannot be forgiven and should never be forgotten. |
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By *adybee77Woman
over a year ago
MAMOBA, miles and miles of bugger all (Aberdeenshire) |
I have forgiven a hell of a lot in my life.
I don't carry grudges - they give undue weight in your world to people who do not deserve a second of thought.
I no longer speak to my mother, haven't for about 3 years now - but I do not bear a grudge nor a moments ill will towards her. She has her demons to face, and will be a bitter lonely old woman, who has lost contact with 5 out of 6 of her grandchildren and 2 out of 3 of her daughters.
I don't bear grudges, but neither do I suffer fools, and will cut out people who are negative influences in my life, hence not speaking to my mother, one of my sisters, and a few others. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Can never forgive having my photos stolen and an intimate video of me and fwb being put on a porn site without us knowing.
Will never forget and certainly will never forgive the person doing that. |
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I just want to say, when I was 21 my life was a complete fuck up for so many reasons and I couldn't see it changing, life does get better believe me, its not easy and its a lot of hard work, whatever happens with your mum and your life in general, it won't be forever xxx |
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"I don't bear grudges, but neither do I suffer fools, and will cut out people who are negative influences in my life."
This choice of words perfectly sums up my attitude.
People are convinced I must begrudge my Dad because I don't talk to him and am holding onto hate but I don't, I just wasn't willing to maintain someone in my life who was intent on continuously and intentionally causing hurt.
- Amy. x |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I had some pretty horrendous things happen to me as a child which have left physical as well as emotional scars but I don't hate anyone - it's too strong an emotion and I won't waste it or become the person who needs it...... I believe you can love people but not like them - dislike them intensely even but a bond is there.
Everyone has a different story to tell and a different way to cope with their lives you need to be the best person you can be and if that involves hating or never forgiving then so be it - you can still be a good person, a better person that those who wronged you.
Your feelings are your feelings and you are entitled to feel them and don't ever let anyone tell you any different....you just need to search for your way forward and your path will appear - I wis you well
I think hate is a wasted emotion. I don't hate my mum, I just don't love her any more. Same goes for my ex husband. I don't hate him, it's pointless hating someone you don't give a crap about. "
Ex husband? Honey you're still a baby! Think you should come for a holiday in the NW some time. We're a friendly lot. You can stay over at mine! I have a daughter your age and two children younger. Every child has a right to be loved,nurtured and cared for! If and when you need to - come and be nurtured for a wee while here instead!! Huge hugs hun!! Xx |
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I've not spoken to her yet, I think it's still a bit raw and I'm still angry at her.. But I've sent her a civil message on Facebook regarding my little sister... So although I may not forgive her any time soon, I'll still be civil for the sake of my siblings. I spend a lot of time in my room because I don't like her even when she's sober... So it's not going to change much. I am however going to move out asap. Regardless of whether my sister is leaving too. She's an adult now and I can't force her to leave and I can't let her hold me back. Im going to do everything I can to support my sister and help her get out when she's ready but I have to help myself before I help anyone else.. My dad is just going to have to understand that, and if he feels so strongly about my sister leaving too then he can deal with the backlash because it's not my responsibility and being here is actually making me ill. I'm so stressed which is apparently making the healing process for my knee a lot worse, and I catch every bug there is (I had something very similar to meningitis a few weeks ago, and before I got here I was rarely ill). Thank you all for your support, I know what I have to do now. I have a real lack of support in the real world so it's nice to know that strangers care. And I didn't mean for this thread to turn into an episode of Jeremy Kyle! Thank you all xxx |
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"
Ex husband? Honey you're still a baby! Think you should come for a holiday in the NW some time. We're a friendly lot. You can stay over at mine! I have a daughter your age and two children younger. Every child has a right to be loved,nurtured and cared for! If and when you need to - come and be nurtured for a wee while here instead!! Huge hugs hun!! Xx"
I think Freud would have a lot to say about me marrying an older man at 19! Hahaha.
Sometimes it would be nice to cuddle up on the sofa with a parent and actually feel loved and I don't think I've ever had that.
I'm looking to rent a room with a family who has a small child.. I think being around a functioning family would be good for me |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I've not spoken to her yet, I think it's still a bit raw and I'm still angry at her.. But I've sent her a civil message on Facebook regarding my little sister... So although I may not forgive her any time soon, I'll still be civil for the sake of my siblings. I spend a lot of time in my room because I don't like her even when she's sober... So it's not going to change much. I am however going to move out asap. Regardless of whether my sister is leaving too. She's an adult now and I can't force her to leave and I can't let her hold me back. Im going to do everything I can to support my sister and help her get out when she's ready but I have to help myself before I help anyone else.. My dad is just going to have to understand that, and if he feels so strongly about my sister leaving too then he can deal with the backlash because it's not my responsibility and being here is actually making me ill. I'm so stressed which is apparently making the healing process for my knee a lot worse, and I catch every bug there is (I had something very similar to meningitis a few weeks ago, and before I got here I was rarely ill). Thank you all for your support, I know what I have to do now. I have a real lack of support in the real world so it's nice to know that strangers care. And I didn't mean for this thread to turn into an episode of Jeremy Kyle! Thank you all xxx "
You've blocked women sweetheart - but if you need a chat from a 'mother figure' just pm me for my number. X |
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By *phroditeWoman
over a year ago
(She/ her) in Sensualityland |
I guess I am fortunate to be able to say I have not come across a situation where I could not (eventually) forgive.
For me it is also more about not wanting to hold on to negative feelings, resentment etc for longer than necessary as it feels like a waste of energy.
I feel if I could not forgive than it would bother me more than the person who committed the offense in the first place. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I was brought up being told that love between family members is unconditional.. But I think you're right in saying you can only have unconditional love for your child. But I also don't think that everyone loves their child unconditionally "
I am with with you on that one. Having gone through traumatic early years of my sisters' and my life at the hands of my my birth mother (we both spent time separately under shared care of social services and BM, I can't forgive her (my dad eventually got custody of us).She went on to have another child to another man after sterilisation reversal....luckily for the half brother, things turned out better.
The only thing I can ever "thank" her for, is teaching me to show love and be a much better parent to my 3 kids. |
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I will never forgive my ex wife for how she's treated our son. She threw him out when he was 11, I had to pick him up from outside her house, he was sat on the kirb with carrier bags full of his clothes crying his heart out. She then reported me to social services, claiming I was emotionally abusing him, turns out she'd complained about him several times and enquired about putting him into care.
Suffice to say he's lived with me for 7 years with very little contact from her. He's a lovely lad, hoping to go to university in September and I'm very proud of him and how he's coped. But I'll never ever forgive his mother. By the way she's a teacher at a special needs school, must save herself for other peoples kids. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I would forgive and anyone anything because i really can't hold a grudge but if anyone hurt my child i couldn't be so generous. I think I could commit murder. |
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"I will never forgive my ex wife for how she's treated our son. She threw him out when he was 11, I had to pick him up from outside her house, he was sat on the kirb with carrier bags full of his clothes crying his heart out. She then reported me to social services, claiming I was emotionally abusing him, turns out she'd complained about him several times and enquired about putting him into care.
Suffice to say he's lived with me for 7 years with very little contact from her. He's a lovely lad, hoping to go to university in September and I'm very proud of him and how he's coped. But I'll never ever forgive his mother. By the way she's a teacher at a special needs school, must save herself for other peoples kids."
You sound like a wonderful father my mum was a childminder when she kicked me out, so I know how it must feel for your son for his mother to care for other children but not him. Keep up the good work, people like me and your son need people like you in our lives to keep us strong. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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ive not read all the posts but im stunned...
your mum was an alcoholic when you were aged 11 yet you never went into care??? you have an 18yr old sister so she would have been 8 at the time you were 11..
 Who the hell was looking after you? Fail on social services/school or is your dad around?
Either way something is certainly not right here |
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"ive not read all the posts but im stunned...
your mum was an alcoholic when you were aged 11 yet you never went into care??? you have an 18yr old sister so she would have been 8 at the time you were 11..
Who the hell was looking after you? Fail on social services/school or is your dad around?
Either way something is certainly not right here "
Yes, I had just turned 12 I think (end of year 7), so my sister would have been 9 or 10, and my youngest sister (different dad) would have been 5. I don't remember much about it, she was reasonably functional most of the time. She kicked me and my sister out, but she was still with my half-sister's dad at the time (I think). My sister and I stayed with my dad for a couple of weeks but she went back and I didn't. Social services have apparently been involved for most of my life (after she had the breakdown at the end of jan, social services got involved and I saw the report dating back to 2005) but I don't remember them being involved at all. The report included something from my school a few years after my mum kicked me out so it must have been reported when I was having councilling at school. Everything before the age of 14 is a bit of a blur. In 2007/8 she was in rehab for cocaine and my step dad looked after my sisters. But while he was there he pushed my half sister into a wall and my sister called my dad and she came to stay with him for a few days, but he couldn't legally take my half sister and he didn't want to involve social services because my half sister would have gone into care. I don't remember much of it though. In all honesty, my dad should have had custody of my sister and me, and my half sister should have been in care, but she's very resilient and she's growing up to be a wonderful girl. She's at boarding school full time, absent father and alcoholic mother, but her houseparents at school are extremely supportive and I couldn't think of a better place for her. She has 4 other adult siblings on her dads side, so she has a lot of support even if it isn't coming from her parents. My sister is coping quite well, aside from anger issues and she tends to binge drink on the weekends (which is to be expected of an 18 year old, I just hope she comes out the other side like I did).
A lot of things went wrong in our lives, including things that I cannot post on here, and each of us has had way more than our fair share of heart ache and abuse one way or another. I am so proud of my sisters. I just wish I could be as strong as them |
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"I will never forgive my ex wife for how she's treated our son. She threw him out when he was 11, I had to pick him up from outside her house, he was sat on the kirb with carrier bags full of his clothes crying his heart out. She then reported me to social services, claiming I was emotionally abusing him, turns out she'd complained about him several times and enquired about putting him into care.
Suffice to say he's lived with me for 7 years with very little contact from her. He's a lovely lad, hoping to go to university in September and I'm very proud of him and how he's coped. But I'll never ever forgive his mother. By the way she's a teacher at a special needs school, must save herself for other peoples kids.
You sound like a wonderful father my mum was a childminder when she kicked me out, so I know how it must feel for your son for his mother to care for other children but not him. Keep up the good work, people like me and your son need people like you in our lives to keep us strong. "
Thank you x Your sister is lucky to have you. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I often say "fuck off that's it never talking to you again"
But the problem with me saying that is, I am the WORST person in the world at holding grudges.
I might get totally pissed off for a few days then I forget about it.
It would take seriously, a fucking LOT for me to say "right you're dead to me" and mean it.
I just don't think in terms of holding a grudge against someone.
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