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Help me understand men?
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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Why is it that if I chase a guy they seem to lose interest?
But if I totally ignore them, they message constantly?
There have been rare exceptions to this. But generally I'm thinking of changing my approach. Virtually ignore the guys I like and message repeatedly the guys that I'd like to leave me alone.
My husband suggests just being more direct and telling the ones I want that I want to set up a meet.
But my brain often seems to freeze at that point? Swinger's block, like writer's block somehow?
I need help. Or possibly vodka. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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A survey is needed. I never chase a man,I can go weeks without any interaction with someone. I wait for them to contact me,which I have always done as I don't message first on here. If I have a kind of friendship going on I will sometimes ask if they are well etc but rarely ask for sex. I just can't do it easily |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Yeah, I don't get this either. But then I don't understand women who go for the "treat em mean keep em keen" approach. If someone stops pursuing me I lose interest very quickly; I have no interest whatsoever in the chase.
Vodka is always a good idea though  |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"Why is it that if I chase a guy they seem to lose interest?
Well I like a challenge. Personally. "
Me too. So how does that work though? Both parties steadfastly refusing to message each other so they don't appear too keen.
It is an art and a skill, I'll give you that. Just having an out of body "it's really weird when you think about it" moment.
Ahh fuck it. I think I'll just go to a club. Get d*unk and throw myself at the nearest guy.  |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"
My £0.02
Show a clear interest in possibly meeting, more than just chat, without being too pushy/explicit. "
Maybe this is part of my problem. I can't invite guys to trek a billion miles to where I am for a quick cuppa? |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Why is it that if I chase a guy they seem to lose interest?
But if I totally ignore them, they message constantly?
"
Im guilty of that and probably have drove someone mad recently because of it  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Why is it that if I chase a guy they seem to lose interest?
Well I like a challenge. Personally.
Me too. So how does that work though? Both parties steadfastly refusing to message each other so they don't appear too keen.
It is an art and a skill, I'll give you that. Just having an out of body "it's really weird when you think about it" moment.
Ahh fuck it. I think I'll just go to a club. Get d*unk and throw myself at the nearest guy. "
Let me know when you plan on going, I will buy the drinks!  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Most of us blokes are pretty simple creatures, I'd say simply be blunt and tell 'em you want to meet them. We're often shit at picking up on signals or flirtatious behaviour.
Dancing around the obvious if you clearly fancy each other is where the boredom comes from cos each of you thinks the other has lost interest. Take charge and take the plunge.  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I don't see/grasp subtle hints. Tell me straight and I'll still probably think I've misunderstood, so tell me again!
Actually, tell me three times, just to make sure  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Why is it that if I chase a guy they seem to lose interest?
Well I like a challenge. Personally.
Me too. So how does that work though? Both parties steadfastly refusing to message each other so they don't appear too keen.
"
That's different.
Thats a fucking game.
Fuck that. . Who wants that.
I find myself attracted to those who are not anyone's for the taking.
There's no challenge there at all.
There has to be something going on upstairs for me.
But that doesn't mean playing games.
Nobody wants that.
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"A survey is needed. I never chase a man,I can go weeks without any interaction with someone. I wait for them to contact me,which I have always done as I don't message first on here. If I have a kind of friendship going on I will sometimes ask if they are well etc but rarely ask for sex. I just can't do it easily "
Me either. I never ask for anything at all |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"
My £0.02
Show a clear interest in possibly meeting, more than just chat, without being too pushy/explicit.
Maybe this is part of my problem. I can't invite guys to trek a billion miles to where I am for a quick cuppa?"
I prefer a woman to be direct. Makes a refreshing change. Tell them exactly what you want from them xx |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Most of us blokes are pretty simple creatures, I'd say simply be blunt and tell 'em you want to meet them. We're often shit at picking up on signals or flirtatious behaviour.
Dancing around the obvious if you clearly fancy each other is where the boredom comes from cos each of you thinks the other has lost interest. Take charge and take the plunge. "
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Why is it that if I chase a guy they seem to lose interest?"
Your profile is great and, from your pictures, you are very attractive too so, on that basis, have absolutely no idea why a guy would lose interest - most bizarre ! |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Why is it that if I chase a guy they seem to lose interest?
Well I like a challenge. Personally.
Me too. So how does that work though? Both parties steadfastly refusing to message each other so they don't appear too keen.
That's different.
Thats a fucking game.
Fuck that. . Who wants that.
I find myself attracted to those who are not anyone's for the taking.
There's no challenge there at all.
There has to be something going on upstairs for me.
But that doesn't mean playing games.
Nobody wants that.
"
But people do play games. It messes with your head |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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For me I prefer people to be upfront.
If someone wants to meet me say it, I would.
I remember once when someone I knew fancied me - she was really hot too - but unfortunately for her she kept on at me all the time, pestering me and talking to me.
In the end I got annoyed of her! She was too much. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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I think there's a fine line between playing games, and manipulating how you come across. I call it "hiding some of the crazy".
Cos I wouldn't want to scare anyone.  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Story of my life! As soon as I realise I like them and have feelings for them I get really intense and end up messing things up.
I'm hoping the next guy I'm looking to date I'll use my head and think before I start acting all stupid. I'll use this forum to guide me in the right direction! |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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If a man messages me on here it's because he's interested and we have a conversation. If an attraction is there we keep talking and finally agree to meet up. No chasing in my opinion but sometimes you have to wait for the right time to meet and you have to keep up contact until then. I won't ever badger a man to meet me,I would know if he's not interested by his lack of contact after the initial conversation. I also think men who are impatient and want to meet asap, and go quiet when you say I'm not meeting at the moment, are just chancing their arm and messaging everyone |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Story of my life! As soon as I realise I like them and have feelings for them I get really intense and end up messing things up.
I'm hoping the next guy I'm looking to date I'll use my head and think before I start acting all stupid. I'll use this forum to guide me in the right direction!"
He problem I have is when people get really intense is that I feel claustrophobic. I would feel that if I got with some like that and slept with her, she would go even worse.
When the girl I mentioned before fancied me, she would question my intentions when I talked to other people etc!
I like people to play it cool. At the end of the day if I was with someone in a relationship, I wouldn't cheat, and I would like the trust to be there, without possessiveness!
Possessive women scare me and most guys I know. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Story of my life! As soon as I realise I like them and have feelings for them I get really intense and end up messing things up.
I'm hoping the next guy I'm looking to date I'll use my head and think before I start acting all stupid. I'll use this forum to guide me in the right direction!"
not looking to date but agree with you  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Why is it that if I chase a guy they seem to lose interest?
But if I totally ignore them, they message constantly?
There have been rare exceptions to this. But generally I'm thinking of changing my approach. Virtually ignore the guys I like and message repeatedly the guys that I'd like to leave me alone.
My husband suggests just being more direct and telling the ones I want that I want to set up a meet.
But my brain often seems to freeze at that point? Swinger's block, like writer's block somehow?
I need help. Or possibly vodka."
Can't understand this. Couldn't care about the chase. I'd be happy for people to message first |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"I don't understand why you're chasing? Just be blunt. Tell them what you're looking for. They'll either say yes or no. Job done."
Because I don't get attracted to a guy by photos alone, I need the talking thing to really WANT a guy. So the back and forth communication is important. And then it falls on it's arse. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I don't understand why you're chasing? Just be blunt. Tell them what you're looking for. They'll either say yes or no. Job done.
Because I don't get attracted to a guy by photos alone, I need the talking thing to really WANT a guy. So the back and forth communication is important. And then it falls on it's arse. "
Which part falls on its arse? |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"I don't understand why you're chasing? Just be blunt. Tell them what you're looking for. They'll either say yes or no. Job done.
Because I don't get attracted to a guy by photos alone, I need the talking thing to really WANT a guy. So the back and forth communication is important. And then it falls on it's arse.
Which part falls on its arse?"
Message me and you'll see. |
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By *mmabluTV/TS
over a year ago
upton wirral |
"Why is it that if I chase a guy they seem to lose interest?
But if I totally ignore them, they message constantly?
There have been rare exceptions to this. But generally I'm thinking of changing my approach. Virtually ignore the guys I like and message repeatedly the guys that I'd like to leave me alone.
My husband suggests just being more direct and telling the ones I want that I want to set up a meet.
But my brain often seems to freeze at that point? Swinger's block, like writer's block somehow?
I need help. Or possibly vodka."
You help me understand women,and I will help you understand men |
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Who the hell ever understands men, or women, everyone is different.
I for one would love a sexy lady to contact me telling me they wanted to fuck me meaning it .... (and i hope the feeling is mutual and they are not 300 miles away).
and yeh i know i am dreaming before anyone tells me !!! |
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By *ee VianteWoman
over a year ago
Somewhere in North Norfolk |
"I don't understand why you're chasing? Just be blunt. Tell them what you're looking for. They'll either say yes or no. Job done.
Because I don't get attracted to a guy by photos alone, I need the talking thing to really WANT a guy. So the back and forth communication is important. And then it falls on it's arse. "
I can relate to this. It's frustrating. |
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I don't tend to bombard women with messages on here. Usually send one or two messages and if they don't reply thats the end of it. Happy to keep conversations going when they do reply, but i quite like it when women do the chasing and make the first move. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Most of us blokes are pretty simple creatures, I'd say simply be blunt and tell 'em you want to meet them. We're often shit at picking up on signals or flirtatious behaviour.
Dancing around the obvious if you clearly fancy each other is where the boredom comes from cos each of you thinks the other has lost interest. Take charge and take the plunge. "
Think this is the answer to Op's predicament |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Ah, you women and your feminine whiles:
If you "Virtually ignore the guys I like and message repeatedly the guys that I'd like to leave me alone", then people who you don't like and haven't been messaging you will begin to think you like them and wonder if they should be messaging you.
No wonder we men get confused.
Pass that vodka when you've finished, please! |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Maybe a lot of people on here like the thrill of the chase or the ego boost of knowing you are able to attract the opposite sex and once it gets to the point where a meet is on the cards they feel like they have achieved their goal and lose interest and move on to the next person to chase. x |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I'm not very good at 'playing the game' ~ if i like someone then I like them, don't understand the need some have to play a person.
I won't consciously chase a man but I will message. However if I feel it's not a two way street then I'll withold messaging further until they do. |
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"Why is it that if I chase a guy they seem to lose interest?
Well I like a challenge. Personally.
Me too. So how does that work though? Both parties steadfastly refusing to message each other so they don't appear too keen.
That's different.
Thats a fucking game.
Fuck that. . Who wants that.
I find myself attracted to those who are not anyone's for the taking.
There's no challenge there at all.
There has to be something going on upstairs for me.
But that doesn't mean playing games.
Nobody wants that.
"
definitely my sentiments too |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Why is it that if I chase a guy they seem to lose interest?
But if I totally ignore them, they message constantly?
There have been rare exceptions to this. But generally I'm thinking of changing my approach. Virtually ignore the guys I like and message repeatedly the guys that I'd like to leave me alone.
My husband suggests just being more direct and telling the ones I want that I want to set up a meet.
But my brain often seems to freeze at that point? Swinger's block, like writer's block somehow?
I need help. Or possibly vodka."
story of my life. I don't get guys sometimes. It's like they can be moody, but if we do it, they moan at us? I don't know.. Pass me some of that vodka haha x |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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There isn't really that much to understand about us men. Generally speaking (and there are always exceptions), as someone has already pointed out, we're not very good at subtle signals, and a more direct approach is helpful for us.
Remember, 90% of all communication is non verbal. If we're shit at picking up signals when we can see you, we're fucked when it's online...
Life's short. If you know what you want, and you want it from a specific person, tell them. If they say yes, happy days. If they say no, at least you know the score and can get back out there to find someone else to play with instead of spending time barking up the wrong tree.
;-) |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I think a lot of people here need to feel validated so they want to be chased. As soon as they have someone chasing them then the game loses its sparkle because the goal has been achieved. Their ego has been fed and they see it in itself as a goal achieved.
This applies to both men and women I am sure. So I would say be direct, make an offer, they will either accept or run away. But you will save a lot of time chasing ..... |
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By *ee VianteWoman
over a year ago
Somewhere in North Norfolk |
I won't chase anyone. When an exchange stops being roughly equal give and take, I don't make extra effort to prolong it.
If I'm interested in meeting, I say so but I usually only say it once. If they don't want to actually be involved in making arrangements, I assume they've lost interest and respect their choice. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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I find it interesting that there's quite a few different views on this.
Seems like there's no "one fits all" answer, which is strangely reassuring.
At least I know I don't smell bad, because occasionally a guy who meets me asks to see me again! |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I find it interesting that there's quite a few different views on this.
Seems like there's no "one fits all" answer, which is strangely reassuring.
At least I know I don't smell bad, because occasionally a guy who meets me asks to see me again! "
|
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I got this. People hardly have time for you, you get bored of them and replace them, they panic and think you're never gonna fuck them again so seem to be free every day. Wankers lol. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I can't pick up on subtle signs.
Some people I chat with, I sometimes think they are being friendly, or just humouring me as they are too polite to say I'm not their type.
I am lucky that some ladies have said they would love to chat and perhaps meet socially, which is cool.
Please just don't be subtle. Once in a while it is nice to know that you are happy to chat, but you would love to play if we get along.
I'm not psychic, I need clear direction! |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Is arranging a quick social with them out of the question? That way you'll get rid of the dreamers and be able to see if they have what your looking for in the flesh. Beats endless messages! |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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ive had this a few times. the thrill of the chase and taking on someone you know is gonna be a real challenge
then when its finally in the bag something changes and you just lose interest
i actually feel bad when it happens and dont fully understand why it happens |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Is arranging a quick social with them out of the question? That way you'll get rid of the dreamers and be able to see if they have what your looking for in the flesh. Beats endless messages! "
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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It's turning into a long thread Nortyair so it's not looking good.
Deb - my location often means guys wanna meet but can't be arsed to drive for hours for a quick social. |
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"Is arranging a quick social with them out of the question? That way you'll get rid of the dreamers and be able to see if they have what your looking for in the flesh. Beats endless messages! "
Makes sense plus it means you actually get to meet the real person as opposed to their alter ego - plenty of keyboard jockeys, both men and women!
Quality is the key and there are plenty of lovely genuine people on here!
Enjoy |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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The best thing i can say is if you want to meet a man tell him, if you don't want to meet tell them, i never have a clue where i am with women unless they tell me directly x |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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There is a difference between the "Thrill of the chase", Games and Manipulation...
See..
People think manipulation is bad.
Well..ALL communication is fucking manipulation.
Coercion is bad. Deception is bad.
Manipulation is not necessarily bad - it's the point. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Why is it that if I chase a guy they seem to lose interest?
But if I totally ignore them, they message constantly?
There have been rare exceptions to this. But generally I'm thinking of changing my approach. Virtually ignore the guys I like and message repeatedly the guys that I'd like to leave me alone.
My husband suggests just being more direct and telling the ones I want that I want to set up a meet.
But my brain often seems to freeze at that point? Swinger's block, like writer's block somehow?
I need help. Or possibly vodka."
don't think anybody has said this.... why not send out some "fancy a fuck" mails to the guys you like   |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Why is it that if I chase a guy they seem to lose interest?
But if I totally ignore them, they message constantly?
There have been rare exceptions to this. But generally I'm thinking of changing my approach. Virtually ignore the guys I like and message repeatedly the guys that I'd like to leave me alone.
My husband suggests just being more direct and telling the ones I want that I want to set up a meet.
But my brain often seems to freeze at that point? Swinger's block, like writer's block somehow?
I need help. Or possibly vodka."
Youve got no chance of understanding us blokes as we dont know what we want ourselves!
So many blokes on here that have wives that have no idea what they are up to. But yet they married them because at some point they were everything they wanted...
Or all the other blokes that get meets set up but then dont show up???? |
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"There is a difference between the "Thrill of the chase", Games and Manipulation...
See..
People think manipulation is bad.
Well..ALL communication is fucking manipulation.
Coercion is bad. Deception is bad.
Manipulation is not necessarily bad - it's the point."
I disagree. I think it's a violation and I go to great lengths to avoid it. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"There is a difference between the "Thrill of the chase", Games and Manipulation...
See..
People think manipulation is bad.
Well..ALL communication is fucking manipulation.
Coercion is bad. Deception is bad.
Manipulation is not necessarily bad - it's the point.
I disagree. I think it's a violation and I go to great lengths to avoid it."
What's a violation?..
You do realise, just the very act of saying "Hello..how are you?" to somebody in the street IS in and of itself, manipulation..
See..
When you say "Hello, how are you?" you're effectively manipulating a response.
Negative manipulation is called coercion..and that's WRONG. |
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"There is a difference between the "Thrill of the chase", Games and Manipulation...
See..
People think manipulation is bad.
Well..ALL communication is fucking manipulation.
Coercion is bad. Deception is bad.
Manipulation is not necessarily bad - it's the point.
I disagree. I think it's a violation and I go to great lengths to avoid it.
What's a violation?..
You do realise, just the very act of saying "Hello..how are you?" to somebody in the street IS in and of itself, manipulation..
See..
When you say "Hello, how are you?" you're effectively manipulating a response.
Negative manipulation is called coercion..and that's WRONG."
OK, well we're talking semantics, I do not consider asking 'a clean question' any kind of manipulation. I do not mean coercion either, that's forcing, I mean:
To control or influence (a person or situation) cleverly or unscrupulously.
"the masses were deceived and manipulated by a tiny group"
synonyms: exploit, control, influence, use/turn to one's advantage, manoeuvre, engineer, steer, direct, guide, twist round one's little finger, work, orchestrate, choreograph
"the government tried to manipulate the situation"
It's a question of intent. If your intent is to deceive or trick someone, to secure an outcome by devious means, that is a violation of their free will. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Rules of attraction isnt it.
Everybody hates being ignored. Me included.. i have been blocked for just messaging twice .. i would prefer someone say not interested instead. although i have done the same..so i am a hypocrit
Its so so backwards..
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"
It's a question of intent. If your intent is to deceive or trick someone, to secure an outcome by devious means, that is a violation of their free will."
YES! And that's shitty.
Which is what I meant by "Coercion" AKA Negative manipulation.
Read what I said again. |
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"
It's a question of intent. If your intent is to deceive or trick someone, to secure an outcome by devious means, that is a violation of their free will.
YES! And that's shitty.
Which is what I meant by "Coercion" AKA Negative manipulation.
Read what I said again."
Don't need to hun, I do not agree with your definitions. Coercion is the use of force or threat to make someone do something, to compel them, it's way stronger than manipulation where they have just been tricked or artfully steered into doing something they might not otherwise have done. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"
It's a question of intent. If your intent is to deceive or trick someone, to secure an outcome by devious means, that is a violation of their free will.
YES! And that's shitty.
Which is what I meant by "Coercion" AKA Negative manipulation.
Read what I said again.
Don't need to hun, I do not agree with your definitions. Coercion is the use of force or threat to make someone do something, to compel them, it's way stronger than manipulation where they have just been tricked or artfully steered into doing something they might not otherwise have done."
ermmm..
You have in fact READ what I've actually said haven't you?
Because you are bastardizing the absolute shit out of what I ORIGINALLY said and/or missing the point 
Actually..I give up now.
White flag. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"It's turning into a long thread Nortyair so it's not looking good.
Deb - my location often means guys wanna meet but can't be arsed to drive for hours for a quick social."
You're at the end of some very good, very twisty roads.....  |
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It's a question of intent. If your intent is to deceive or trick someone, to secure an outcome by devious means, that is a violation of their free will.
YES! And that's shitty.
Which is what I meant by "Coercion" AKA Negative manipulation.
Read what I said again.
Don't need to hun, I do not agree with your definitions. Coercion is the use of force or threat to make someone do something, to compel them, it's way stronger than manipulation where they have just been tricked or artfully steered into doing something they might not otherwise have done.
ermmm..
You have in fact READ what I've actually said haven't you?
Because you are bastardizing the absolute shit out of what I ORIGINALLY said and/or missing the point
Actually..I give up now.
White flag. "
No worry, we can agree to differ. Of course I read what you wrote - I just disagree with your definitions. |
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