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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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We've had a few religious threads lately and a few about El Popio's visit, so I thought I'd continue the trend and give you my take on marriage...
We'll start from the beginning, somewhere in the Middle East, 1,000 BC, about tea time.
A man goes to the village elder to make a complaint..
Elder: What the problem, young man?
Plaintiff: Someone's nicked me bird!
Elder: Eh? Someone has run off with your turkey?
Plaintiff: Noooo, me bird, me wumun, someone's had away with her.
Elder: Do you know who?
Plaintiff: Yup, that fucking arse Menahem, he took her.
Elder: Why would he do such a thing? He must have known she was your woman.
Plaintiff: He reckons he saw her first, but she was mine, her dad said I can have her.
Elder: What did she say about that arrangement?
Plaintiff: Who gives a fuck. Her dad gave her to me and that's that.
Elder: Clearly a precedent needs to be set here. Let me summon Menahem and hear what he has to say.
... later that day, Menahem and Talia are in front of the council..
Elder: Menahem, by what right do you lay claim to this woman?
Menahem: Um.. er.. well... she has a nice ass and I thought she'd make a good wife.
Elder: But she wasn't promised to you.
Menahem: But I got more goats than he does so I can pay more for her.
Elder: Ah. That kinda fucks things up a bit.
Plaintiff: Oi! I thought you were gonne be on my side! Wtf!!
Elder: How many goats do you have?
Plaintiff: Well, two, but one isn't very well.
Elder: So how were you going to pay for this woman?
Plaintiff: In instalments, hopefully, but I hadn't got round to asking her dad about that yet.
Talia's Father: Fuck that malarky! She's cost me a fuckin fortune these past 17 years. You want her, you fookin pay for her!
Talia: Don't I have a say in this?
Elder: Shut the fuck up you, you started all this.
Talia: Eh? How so?
Elder: You weren't born a boy!
Plaintiff: Oh that's just fookin rich innit. I lose me bird cos I ain't got enough goats. That's hardly fair is it?
Elder: Right! I've had enough of this bollox. From now on no man can claim a woman until he's had a word with her dad and arranged the 'fee' - we'll call it a dowry. When that deal has been struck the girl is off limits to anyone else. Even if they do have more fookin goats. On a prearranged day we'll have a little party, say some words, make some promises etc etc and then THAT IS FUCKIN IT! No more of this crap.
All Assembled: Yeah, good idea. What we gonna call it?
Elder: Um... a wedding. And the union is to be called Marriage.
Little Voice from the back: What if we want to get out of it later?
Elder: Hang on! I've only just thought of how to get into it and you wanna get out of it already.
Camp voice from the back: Er, scuse me sweetie, does this apply to men-men too?
Elder: Someone stone that fucker, he's pissing me right off now.
... and they all lived unhappily ever after.
The End.  |
