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Jokes..Got any good ones?

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By *isexmistress OP Woman over a year ago

Prestwich

Got any real side splitters?

Spread the mirth and Help your fellow fabbers appear witty and interesting by contributing here

I will start the ball rolling,with the bar level set very low

Jacintha `my dogs got no nose

Hermione ` but how does he smell?`

jacintha `Aweful`

Im better @ Bisexual play and FemDomme,than jokes

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By *onnyeasygoingMan over a year ago

Somewhere on the M62 between 24 and 14

A photon checks into a hotel for the night awaiting his dirty meet. Receptionist asks if she could take his bags, he reply's "s'ok I don't have any I'm traveling light"

Ba and Zinger....

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By *inaTitzTV/TS over a year ago

Titz Towers, North Notts

Jon Snow could never understand why no one wanted him on their pub quiz team.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

What kind of cheese do you use to hide a horse?

Mascarpone.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Did you hear about our local ice cream man? The police found his van parked up and he was lying on the floor in the back covered in raspberry juice and hundreds and thousands.

Apparently he topped himself

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Girl walks into cocktail bar and asks for a double entendre, so the barman gives her one.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Taxi!

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By *isexmistress OP Woman over a year ago

Prestwich

Methinks _onnyeasygoing is streets ahead in the mirth stakes thus far

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By *onnyeasygoingMan over a year ago

Somewhere on the M62 between 24 and 14

Sorry, but doing my geek thing tonight...

An infinite crowd of mathematicians enters a bar. The first one orders a pint, the second one a half pint, the third one a quarter pint… “I understand”, says the bartender – and pours two pints.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Why are toblerones made a triangular shape?

It's the only way they'll fit in the box

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Sandwich walks into a bar, barman says, 'sorry we don't serve food'.

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By *onnyeasygoingMan over a year ago

Somewhere on the M62 between 24 and 14

"Methinks _onnyeasygoing is streets ahead in the mirth stakes thus far

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Hi Gota puzzle Peter an Paul both blood brothers go off to war Peter gets killed Paul comes back to marry his mum

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By *alandNitaCouple over a year ago

Scunthorpe

If my wife can't get pregnant, is she impregnable.... or just inconceivable

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

What did cinderella do wen she got to the ball?......she gagged

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"If my wife can't get pregnant, is she impregnable.... or just inconceivable

Pmsl

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By *odareyouMan over a year ago

not far from iceland,,,,,, tescos is nearer though :-) (near leeds)

As I was putting the garden furniture back into storage for the winter, I turned to the wife and said:

"I don't know why I bother getting this out. You never sit on it."

She said, "Put your cock away and get that bench in the garage."

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"Hi Gota puzzle Peter an Paul both blood brothers go off to war Peter gets killed Paul comes back to marry his mum "

Paul's a vicar?

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By *ere-for-my-convenienceWoman over a year ago

Tenbury Wells

2 fish in a fish tank

1 says to the other

"who's driving this thing?"

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"Hi Gota puzzle Peter an Paul both blood brothers go off to war Peter gets killed Paul comes back to marry his mum

Paul's a vicar?"
nope

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Just ordered a Chinese I got delivered a duck dish?? When I opened the container I saw a pair of eyes staring at me ?? So I rang the Chinese up and asked what it was??

It's Peking duck

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By *himneyMan over a year ago

South London

What's a condom and a coffin got in common?

.....They both hold stiffs but one is cumin and one is going!

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By *himneyMan over a year ago

South London

OR:

How can you tell which is the head nurse?

....She's the one with the dirty knees.

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By *lutandhubbyCouple over a year ago

west midlands

A man walks into a pub and asks for 12 shots of vodka. The barman says, "Wow, 12. Are you celebrating?" The man replies, "I've just experienced my first blow job." The barman says, "That's brilliant. Let me get you another one on the house." The man replies, "No, that's okay. If the twelfth one doesn't get the taste out of my mouth nothing will."

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By *onnyeasygoingMan over a year ago

Somewhere on the M62 between 24 and 14

There are three types of people in this world. Those that can count and those that can't.

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By *B9 QueenWoman over a year ago

Over the rainbow, under the bridge

How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?

One, but the light bulb really has to want to change.

How many surrealist artists does it take to change a light bulb?

A banana.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

whats the difference between

oh no not up my arse and ummmmmm ummmmm ummmmm mmmmmmm

duck tape

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By *B9 QueenWoman over a year ago

Over the rainbow, under the bridge

A white horse walks into a bar.

The barman says,"We've got a whisky named after you."

The white horse replies, "WWhat? Eric?"

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Why was 6 afraid of 7?

Because 7,8 (ate),9

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"whats the difference between

oh no not up my arse and ummmmmm ummmmm ummmmm mmmmmmm

duck tape

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By *lutandhubbyCouple over a year ago

west midlands

When my girlfriend said she was leaving because of my obsession with The Monkees I thought she was joking .......

.......and then I saw her face.

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By *isexmistress OP Woman over a year ago

Prestwich

"A man walks into a pub and asks for 12 shots of vodka. The barman says, "Wow, 12. Are you celebrating?" The man replies, "I've just experienced my first blow job." The barman says, "That's brilliant. Let me get you another one on the house." The man replies, "No, that's okay. If the twelfth one doesn't get the taste out of my mouth nothing will."

LOVING THIS ONE ESPECIALLY

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

No 1 get my puzzle

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By *isexmistress OP Woman over a year ago

Prestwich

"Hi Gota puzzle Peter an Paul both blood brothers go off to war Peter gets killed Paul comes back to marry his mum

Paul's a vicar? nope "

Which war was it? Im close to solving this ...

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Bit dark but meh

Whats black and screams?

Stevie wonder answering the iron.

I'm going to leave now

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"Hi Gota puzzle Peter an Paul both blood brothers go off to war Peter gets killed Paul comes back to marry his mum

Paul's a vicar? nope

Which war was it? Im close to solving this ...

"
world war 1

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"Hi Gota puzzle Peter an Paul both blood brothers go off to war Peter gets killed Paul comes back to marry his mum

Paul's a vicar? nope

Which war was it? Im close to solving this ...

world war 1 "

They only share a father

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"Hi Gota puzzle Peter an Paul both blood brothers go off to war Peter gets killed Paul comes back to marry his mum

Paul's a vicar? nope

Which war was it? Im close to solving this ...

world war 1 no they share same mum aswell

They only share a father

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By *obbytupperMan over a year ago

Menston near Ilkley

Serbian prostitute slobberon miknobubitch

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By *asmanian TigerMan over a year ago

lala land

A guy walks in to a bank and shouts air in the hands mother stickers this is a fuck up.

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By *lutandhubbyCouple over a year ago

west midlands

My girlfriend promised me sex if I bought her a boat.

But I couldn't decide between a barge or a narrowboat.

in the end I went for a tug !

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

what do you call a donkey with three legs?

a wonkey.

I'll get my coat.....

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Went to a weight watchers meeting last night silly me got a big bag of malteasers and dropped them on the floor i tell you it was best game of hungry hippos ive seen

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"A guy walks in to a bank and shouts air in the hands mother stickers this is a fuck up.

and got 15yrs!!

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By *onnyeasygoingMan over a year ago

Somewhere on the M62 between 24 and 14

I was at a job interview today.

The interviewer said to me, "On your CV, it says that you are a man of mystery."

I said, "That's correct."

He said, "Would you like to elaborate?"

I said, "No."

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

That was a dirty trick a someone played on steve wonder

told him he was black

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago
Forum Mod

My mate suffered with a condition where he got sexually aroused by public transport,he couldn't get over it nor could he get treatment

Anyway today he tossed himself under a bus

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

The wife said she's leaving because of My obsession with horse racing....... and there she is, at the gate "and she's off" !!

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Sausage and a egg in a pan

The sausauge says. Its hot in here ain't it ?

The egg says fuck me a talking sausage

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"That was a dirty trick a someone played on steve wonder

told him he was black"

unnecessary and not appropriate

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

I'm waiting for my cooker n dishwasher to arrive today.

The wife gets home about 9.

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By *obbytupperMan over a year ago

Menston near Ilkley

'My wife will be on the plane', he said

'Where's she going' said his mate

'Nowhere, she's taking eighth of an inch off the door'

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

What did the left pussy lip say to the right pussy lip ???

We used to be really tight before you let that big dick come between us!!

Makes me laugh anyway lol

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

There are 3 types of people in this world. Ones that can count and ones that can't

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By *londeCazWoman over a year ago

Arse End of the Universe, Cumbria

"There are three types of people in this world. Those that can count and those that can't.

There are 10 types of people in the world...those that understand binary and those that don't

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"There are three types of people in this world. Those that can count and those that can't.

There are 10 types of people in the world...those that understand binary and those that don't

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Two students looking in a shop window and one says to the other, "There's the one I`d get."

So a Cyclops came over and kicked his fuckin head in.

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By *londeCazWoman over a year ago

Arse End of the Universe, Cumbria

The inventor of predictive test has died...

His funfair will be hello on sundial

The inventor of the useless puchline has died...

His funeral will be held Tuesday

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Man goes to Doctor's and explains that he gets an erection every time he looks at himself in the mirror.

Doctor says, "That's because you're a cunt"

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By *londeCazWoman over a year ago

Arse End of the Universe, Cumbria

The Tesco Doctor - New Initiative - One Stop Shop!

One day, in line at the works cafeteria, Jack says to Mike behind him, 'My elbow hurts like hell. I suppose I'd better see a doctor!'

Listen mate; don't waste your time down at the surgery, Mike replies.

There's a diagnostic computer at Tesco. Just give it a urine sample

and the computer will tell you what's wrong, and what to do about it.

It takes ten seconds and only costs five quid....a lot quicker and

better than a doctor and you get Clubcard points'.

So Jack collects a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Tesco.

He deposits five pounds and the computer lights up and asks for the

urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.

Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:

'You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy

activity. It will improve in two weeks'.

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack

began wondering if the computer could be fooled.

He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples

from his wife and daughter, and 'pleasured himself' into the mixture for

good measure. Jack hurried back to Tesco, eager to check what would

happen.

He deposits five pounds, pours in his concoction, and awaits the

results with a grin. The computer prints the following:

1) Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.

2) Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.

3) Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.

4) Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.

5) And if you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better....

Thank you for shopping at Tesco

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago
Forum Mod

"Man goes to Doctor's and explains that he gets an erection every time he looks at himself in the mirror.

Doctor says, "That's because you're a cunt" "

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By *londeCazWoman over a year ago

Arse End of the Universe, Cumbria

Just been to our local Italian Restaurant with my blind date.

"Do you have reservations, Sir?" the Maitre D' asked him.

"Well, to be honest she's a fucking munter, but I'm hungry," he replied.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"Man goes to Doctor's and explains that he gets an erection every time he looks at himself in the mirror.

Doctor says, "That's because you're a cunt" "

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

I called the number on a missing cat poster today and said, "I think I've just found Thomas."

"Really?" screamed the owner, "Is he white?"

"Yes."?

"Brilliant, are his two front paws black?"

"Yes."

"Oh my god, does he have a black tip on the end of his tail?"?

"Yes."?

"Wooohooo! And he's wearing a yellow collar?"?

"A yellow collar?" I said, "No, this cat hasn't even got a head."

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Man: "Give me a blow job."

Woman: "Can you be more _omantic?"

Man: "Fine, give me a blow job in the rain."

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"Did you hear about our local ice cream man? The police found his van parked up and he was lying on the floor in the back covered in raspberry juice and hundreds and thousands.

Apparently he topped himself

hahaha

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By *effrey45Man over a year ago

Lytham

Wigan pub offering pie a pint and a stripper for £2

The local Wigan lad marches up to the bar

"Hey mate who does your pies?"

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

I ate a clown yesterday....... He tasted kinda funny

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Two chocolate muffins in a oven one says to the other it hot in here the other one says crap a talking chocolate muffin.

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By *onnyeasygoingMan over a year ago

Somewhere on the M62 between 24 and 14

A couple are having lunch in a restaurant, the maître d walks over to the table and asks the lady what she would like. "Can I have the chicken in white wine sauce please" says the lady.

"Excellent choice" reply's the maître d "and the vegetable?"

"Oh he'll have the mixed grill"

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Latvian, a Turk, an Aussie, a German, an American, an Egyptian, a Mexican, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Swede, a Finn, an Israeli, a Romanian, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Brazilian, a Greek, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian, and an Indian went to a night club.

The bouncer said, "Sorry lads.............I can't let you in without a thai"

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Grab your Taco, you've just pulled a Mexican dyslexic.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Man goes for a job in a circumcision clinic and asks about salary. The interviewer replies " Oh it's only basic pay but you'll get lots of tips!"

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Anyone want my collection of Chiropractor Monthly? I've got a load of back issues.

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By *picyspiregirlCouple over a year ago

chesterfield

A man walks into a chip shop whilst carrying a salmon under his arm. "Do you do fish cakes?" He asked, "yes sir" replied the shopkeeper, "can my salmon have one please? It's his birthday"

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By *hyblueEyesMan over a year ago

Daventry

My FB and I tried some role-play the other night.

I was a postman. I didn't cum for 2 days

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"Man goes for a job in a circumcision clinic and asks about salary. The interviewer replies " Oh it's only basic pay but you'll get lots of tips!""

Good pay but it may be cut.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"I called the number on a missing cat poster today and said, "I think I've just found Thomas."

"Really?" screamed the owner, "Is he white?"

"Yes."?

"Brilliant, are his two front paws black?"

"Yes."

"Oh my god, does he have a black tip on the end of his tail?"?

"Yes."?

"Wooohooo! And he's wearing a yellow collar?"?

"A yellow collar?" I said, "No, this cat hasn't even got a head.""
sorry but that is so funny

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By *mhulloMan over a year ago

wiltshire

A guy walks into a bar and notices a really small guy playing piano. He asks the bar man, "Hey, where did you find him?" The bar man replies that there is a magic lamp out back. Without another word, the excited patron rushes outside and finds the lamp. The genie pops out and says, "I will grant one wish." The guy says, "I want a million bucks!" A second later, the sound of many wings fills the air, and a million ducks fly overhead and poop on the guy. Upset, he goes back in to the barkeep. "Hey, man, that was rubbish. I asked for a million bucks, and he gave me a million ducks! I think he's deaf!" The bar man says, "Well, I thought you would've figured that out." "What do you mean?" "Oh, come on. Do you really think I asked for a twelve inch pianist?"

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

A rabbit walks into a pub and orders a pint of ale and a cheese and ham toastie. Barman a bit amazed about a rabbit in the pub goes and serves the rabbit. Next day and the day after at the same time the rabbit orders the very same thing, pint of ale and a cheese and ham toastie. 4th day rabbit comes in orders the same, barman says he's run out of cheese, rabbit says that's cool will have a ham and mustard toastie. Well the rabbit never came into the pub again, so the barman asked a regular , what happened to our pal the rabbit? Regular says, oh didn't you hear? He died of mixinmetoasties ...

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Yes I have

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"Yes I have "
ha ha (with simpsons overturn)

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By *illing131Man over a year ago

cardiff

A man goes to the doctor and says " Doctor I keep thinking I am a run down North Wales holiday resort "….Doctor says " Ah yes, I think your Rhyl "

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By *educedWoman over a year ago

Birmingham

Have you heard about the dyslexic terrorist running amok in the zoo? He's making all kinds of ransom demands and so far has taken 7 ostriches!

I only know one joke and that's it.

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By *isexmistress OP Woman over a year ago

Prestwich

"Have you heard about the dyslexic terrorist running amok in the zoo? He's making all kinds of ransom demands and so far has taken 7 ostriches!

I only know one joke and that's it.

But if its quality, you only need the one

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By *izzy RascallMan over a year ago

Cardiff

My dog only has 3 legs, I call him 'Cigarette' - I take him out for a drag every night

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

I used to be addicted to the hokey y, but I turned it around and that's what it's all about.

After that I did have a short addiction to soap, don't worry I'm clean now.

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By *iss_Samantha_LovecockTV/TS over a year ago

bmth /poole sometimes blandford

i hate jokes ..they never make me laugh.i hate it when someone starts to tell a big long one at work cos i know im not gonna find it funny.

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By *appyguy17Man over a year ago

walthamstow

A man walks into Waterstone's and see a sign "a third of all titles" !!!

He says....."i'll have the Lion and the witch".......

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Have you heard about the magic tractor?

It went down the road and turned into a field.

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By *isexmistress OP Woman over a year ago

Prestwich

"Hi Gota puzzle Peter an Paul both blood brothers go off to war Peter gets killed Paul comes back to marry his mum

Paul's a vicar? nope

Which war was it? Im close to solving this ...

world war 1 "

Bugger, if youd said `Crimean` Id be right there..Dam!

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By *isexmistress OP Woman over a year ago

Prestwich

A blonde and a brunette are walking down the street.

The brunette says to the blonde, "My boyfriend has dandruff so I give him Head and Shoulders."

The blonde replies, "How do you give shoulders?

ps.no offence intended to any actual blondies here

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By *alandNitaCouple over a year ago

Scunthorpe

Maybe they.re both brothers... just not each others

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By *osieWoman over a year ago

Wembley

"There are three types of people in this world. Those that can count and those that can't.

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By *aneandpaulCouple over a year ago

cleveleys

Said last night i love you the wife said is that you talking or the beer i said its me talking to the beer

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By *rEroticMan over a year ago

London

Wife: Did you piss in the shower?

Husband: Yes, but it was an accident.

Wife: What do you mean an accident, how can it have been an accident?

Husband:Well, you know what its like when you're having a shit

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Just like you can get insurance for Cars, Property, Sports etc,

you can now get insurance for sex !! So make sure you

get the correct insurance for the sex you are having.

Please find a list of companies below catering for most

tastes:-

Sex with your wife - Legal & General.

Sex on the telephone - Direct Line

Sex with your Partner - Standard Life

Sex with someone Different - Go Compare

Sex with a person of generous proportions - More Than

Sex On the back seat of a car - Sheila's Wheels

Sex with a prostitute - Commercial Union

Sex with your maid - Employer's Liability

Sex with an OAP - Saga

Sex resulting in pregnancy - General Accident

And finally..............

Sex with a transvestite - Confused.com

Make sure you are adequately covered!

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

[Removed by poster at 23/02/15 22:37:20]

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

What's worse than an octopus with bo under every tentacle?

A hedgehog with vd in every prick!

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By *lutandhubbyCouple over a year ago

west midlands

Two policemen call the station on the radio.

"Hello. Is that the Sarge?"

"Yes?"

"We have a case here. A woman has shot her husband for stepping on the floor she had just mopped clean."

"Have you arrested the woman?"

"No sir. The floor is still wet.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

A large group of Isis fighters in Iraq are moving down a road when they hear a voice call from behind a sand dune: "One British Soldier is better than ten Isis fighters". The Isis commander quickly orders 10 of his best men over the dune where a gun battle breaks out and continues for a few minutes, then silence.

The voice once again calls out: "One British Soldier is better than one hundred Isis 'S.O.B.'s'". Furious, the Isis commander sends his next best 100 troops over the dune and instantly a huge gun fight commences. After 10 minutes of battle, again silence.

The voice calls out again: "One British Soldier is better than a thousand Isis fighters." The enraged Isis commander musters 1,000 fighters and sends them to the other side of the dune. Rifle fire, machine guns, grenades, rockets and cannon fire ring out as a terrible battle is fought ..... then silence.

Eventually, one badly wounded Isis fighter crawls back over the dune and with his dying words tells his commander,

"Don't send any more men ... it's a trap. There's two of the bastards."

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Went to the optician yesterday and he told me I must stop masturbating.... " is that what's wrong with my sight?" I asked. "No," he replied "you're upsetting the other patients in the waiting room!"

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By *omaMan over a year ago

Glasgow

Two sperm swimming along. One says "hey bro, how far to the falopeon tubes?" (Dodgy spelling)

"Keep swimming mate, we are just passing the tonsils now!"

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By *ath_Neil_bifunCouple over a year ago

near cardiff

"Man goes for a job in a circumcision clinic and asks about salary. The interviewer replies " Oh it's only basic pay but you'll get lots of tips!"

Good pay but it may be cut. "

But fantastic news for customers - special offer, half off.

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By *ath_Neil_bifunCouple over a year ago

near cardiff

How do you get a dog to stop humping your leg?

Pick it up and give it a blow job.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

What does a Polish bride get on her wedding night that's long and hard?

A new surname.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Was struggling here but then looked at the thread above in the forum list at the time and saw..... Gordon Brown!! Enough said??

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

What happened when Jesus went to mount olive?

Popeye kicked his head in

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

[Removed by poster at 25/02/15 23:38:36]

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

I had a meet last night. At the end of it I did something really naughty. I stole her purse.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

The highlight of this year's Brits was a tribute to Allo Allo, featuring the Fallen Madonna with the Big Boobies.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"Just like you can get insurance for Cars, Property, Sports etc,

you can now get insurance for sex !! So make sure you

get the correct insurance for the sex you are having.

Please find a list of companies below catering for most

tastes:-

Sex with your wife - Legal & General.

Sex on the telephone - Direct Line

Sex with your Partner - Standard Life

Sex with someone Different - Go Compare

Sex with a person of generous proportions - More Than

Sex On the back seat of a car - Sheila's Wheels

Sex with a prostitute - Commercial Union

Sex with your maid - Employer's Liability

Sex with an OAP - Saga

Sex resulting in pregnancy - General Accident

And finally..............

Sex with a transvestite - Confused.com

Make sure you are adequately covered!"

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"Went to the optician yesterday and he told me I must stop masturbating.... " is that what's wrong with my sight?" I asked. "No," he replied "you're upsetting the other patients in the waiting room!"

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

A dyslexic walks into a bra.....

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Two old ladies sitting on a park bench when a flasher stops in front of them. One if the old dears has a stroke... But the other couldn't reach.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"Two old ladies sitting on a park bench when a flasher stops in front of them. One if the old dears has a stroke... But the other couldn't reach. "

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

An Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman walk into a bar.

The barman says "is this some sort of joke?"

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

I was walking through the park and some kid run up to me and shot me with a foam bullet,

I thought.... Hes got a nerf

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By *lungerforyouMan over a year ago

cleveleys

went into Tesco asked girl for a lucky dip she said piss off to the self service you wanker.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Went to the cemetery yesterday. There was a man walking round and round with a gravestone on his shoulder.

I think he had lost the plot

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By *edkent69Man over a year ago

maidstone

How does bob marley like his donuts?

With jammin'

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

I went to the doctors yesterday as I keep waking up in the middle of the night thinking im a wigwam or a tepee, he's told me to relax as I'm too tents

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

I went back to the doctors I said doctor what's wrong with me I wake up at night singing delilah or green green grass of home, he replied that I was suffering from a disease called Tomjonesitas, i asked is it serious, he said no

"It's not unusual"

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By *ackspopCouple over a year ago

Wymondham

Just got back off one of those "once in a lifetime holidays". Tell you what, never again.

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By *onnie and JohnCouple over a year ago

andover

Roses are red

Nuts are brown

Skirts go up

Pants go down

Body to body Skin to skin

When its stiff

Stick it in

The Longer its in

The Stronger it gets

It goes in dry And comes out wet

It comes out dripping And starts to sag

Its not what you think......

Its a Teabag

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

These 3 fellas used to drinking together and one day one of them walks under a bus d*unk.The copper asks them his name,said dont know his name but he had 2 arseholes.How do you mean said the Copper?,Well every pub we went in they said "heres that fella with them 2 arseholes .

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By *ingle Beds LassWoman over a year ago

Bedfordshire

But a joke per se, but someone put on their profile they were looking for a stable woman, I told him to look in a livery,,,, not even a titter or reply.... I am wasted on this earth

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By *owboy BebopMan over a year ago

Glasgow

So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "can you give me a lift ? " . I said "Sure, you look great, the worlds your oyster, go for it ! "

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

What do you call a guy that likes girls very younger than him?... TYGA

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

A skeleton walks into a pub.

"I'll have a pint of lager and a mop, please."

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

When I was having my annual medical the doc said I should have a prostate check and told me to bend over his table. "It's not as bad as I thought it would be", I told myself......... until I realised he had BOTH hands on my hips !!!!!

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

I'm currently stuck in Paddington...marmalade is not a good lubricant.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Mick goes into his local pub every day and orders 3 pints, sits down, and drinks them by taking a swig from each glass in turn.

After a few months, the bar mans curiosity gets the better of him so he asks mick why he drinks his 3 pints that way.

"Oh it's because I always like to have a pint for each of my two brothers, shamus and paddy ,who still live in Dublin"

The barman thought it was a nice gesture and thought no more of it until mick started ordering just 2 pints. The barman feared one of the brothers had died so offered his condolences.

Mick replied "aww don't be daft, shamus and paddy are right as rain, it's just that I've given up drinking"

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"But a joke per se, but someone put on their profile they were looking for a stable woman, I told him to look in a livery,,,, not even a titter or reply.... I am wasted on this earth

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

why are women always named after hurricanes ? cos when they come there warm and wet and when they leave they take the car and half the house with them.

whats the difference between a social worker and a pit bull. At least with a pit bull u get half your kid back .....someones just stuck a shepherds crook round me neck

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By *lutandhubbyCouple over a year ago

west midlands

Skinny little white Irishman goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this HUGE black guy standing next to him.

The big guy sees the little Irishman staring at him, he looks down and says: '7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch penis, 3 pounds of testicles, Turner Brown.'

The little white Irishman faints and falls to the floor.

The big guy kneels down, shakes him, and brings him to.

The big guy says, 'What's wrong with you?'

In a weak voice the little guy says, 'What EXACTLY did you say to me?'

The big dude says, 'I saw your curious look and I figured I'd just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me......... I'm 7 feet tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20 inch penis, my testicles weigh 3 pounds each, and my name is Turner Brown.'

The little white Irishman says: 'Turner Brown'?!.... Fuck me, I thought you said, "Turn around"!

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By *lutandhubbyCouple over a year ago

west midlands

A British RAF base has been attacked by over 1'000 eggs. Fighter jets have been scrambled!!

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Little boy walks in on his mum laying on the bed naked. He sees his mums fanny, points and asks "mum, what's that?"

Mum, shocked and trying to think of a subtle answer quickly replies " Oh, that's where god hit me with an axe"

The little boy replies "bloody good aim, he hit you right in the cunt!"

Sorry

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By *lutandhubbyCouple over a year ago

west midlands

An eskimo came home from fishing to find his wife crying.

"What's the matter with you?" he asked

" my mother has just died " she replied

The eskimo slapped her on the face

" what the fuck was that for?" she asked

" that was for making me smile when i've got fucking chappee lips ya cunt"

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"Skinny little white Irishman goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this HUGE black guy standing next to him.

The big guy sees the little Irishman staring at him, he looks down and says: '7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch penis, 3 pounds of testicles, Turner Brown.'

The little white Irishman faints and falls to the floor.

The big guy kneels down, shakes him, and brings him to.

The big guy says, 'What's wrong with you?'

In a weak voice the little guy says, 'What EXACTLY did you say to me?'

The little white Irishman says: 'Turner Brown'?!.... Fuck me, I thought you said, "Turn around"!

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Driving in Canada when I found an Eskimo with his broken-down snowmobile..... I stopped and asked "have you blown a seal (common fault) ?" He said "No, but I've fucked a penguin more than once,!"

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

" Driving in Canada when I found an Eskimo with his broken-down snowmobile..... I stopped and asked "have you blown a seal (common fault) ?" He said "No, but I've fucked a penguin more than once,!"

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By *allipygousMan over a year ago

Leicester

" Driving in Canada when I found an Eskimo with his broken-down snowmobile..... I stopped and asked "have you blown a seal (common fault) ?" He said "No, but I've fucked a penguin more than once,!"

I was going to point out you don't get penguins in the northern hemisphere but I suppose the Eskimo could've visited a zoo.

Mr Pedant

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Heard the one about the constipated mathematician.....

He worked it out with a pencil

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"Skinny little white Irishman goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this HUGE black guy standing next to him.

The big guy sees the little Irishman staring at him, he looks down and says: '7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch penis, 3 pounds of testicles, Turner Brown.'

The little white Irishman faints and falls to the floor.

The big guy kneels down, shakes him, and brings him to.

The big guy says, 'What's wrong with you?'

In a weak voice the little guy says, 'What EXACTLY did you say to me?'

The little white Irishman says: 'Turner Brown'?!.... Fuck me, I thought you said, "Turn around"!

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By *omaMan over a year ago

Glasgow

paddy goes home half cut from the social club . . Says to Mary, you know that raffle ticket you bought last week, well you won the first prize. .

Oh fantastic says Mary, when are they delivering it?

Paddy says I told them to keep it. What the hell do we want with a diving suit?

Mary says, you daft baStard. . . It's a divan suite!

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By *omaMan over a year ago

Glasgow

paddy goes home half cut from the social club . . Says to Mary, you know that raffle ticket you bought last week, well you won the first prize. .

Oh fantastic says Mary, when are they delivering it?

Paddy says I told them to keep it. What the hell do we want with a diving suit?

Mary says, you daft baStard. . . It's a divan suite!

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Why did the pervert cross the road?

...his cock was stuck in the chicken.

What's black & white and really cool?

....A fridge in a leather jacket!

Juicy x

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By *inaTitzTV/TS over a year ago

Titz Towers, North Notts

I like this one:

Imaginative sex for lesbians involves thinking outside the box.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

what do you call a bear with no teeth?

a gummy bear

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By *itSamCouple over a year ago

Birmingham

"There are three types of people in this world. Those that can count and those that can't.

There are 10 types of people in the world...those that understand binary and those that don't

I always like this one lol

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

What did cinderella do wen she got to the ball??.....she gagged!!

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By *ackspopCouple over a year ago

Wymondham

"There are three types of people in this world. Those that can count and those that can't.

There are 10 types of people in the world...those that understand binary and those that don't

I always like this one lol"

And don't forget that there are those who can extrapolate from incomplete data.

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By *lutandhubbyCouple over a year ago

west midlands

My Mother-in-law came into work at lunch today and I must admit, I was genuinely pleased to see her.

I'm an undertaker.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Apparently vegetarian women are silent in bed as they cant believe a piece of meat is giving them so much pleasure

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

crime in a multi storey car park. thats just wrong on so many levels.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

paddy goes for a job on the building site. the foreman says "i've only got 2 questions. firstly can you make tea?" paddys eyes light up "sure i make a lovely cup of tea so i do". "brilliant" says the foreman "and can you drive a forklift?"

"feck me" says paddy "how big is this teapot???"

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

New F1 helmet rules, that's the biggest joke of 2015 so far

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

A dyslexic guy walks into a bra .

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Why are pirates called pirates?

Because they aarrrrrgggghhhhhh

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"Skinny little white Irishman goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this HUGE black guy standing next to him.

The big guy sees the little Irishman staring at him, he looks down and says: '7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch penis, 3 pounds of testicles, Turner Brown.'

The little white Irishman faints and falls to the floor.

The big guy kneels down, shakes him, and brings him to.

The big guy says, 'What's wrong with you?'

In a weak voice the little guy says, 'What EXACTLY did you say to me?'

The little white Irishman says: 'Turner Brown'?!.... Fuck me, I thought you said, "Turn around"!

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Guy walks into a bar with a crocodile. He says "This crocodile has been trained to give oral sex - observe."

With that, he raps the crocodile on the snout with his walking stick and the crocodile opens its mouth. He unzips his trousers, puts his penis in the crocodiles mouth, and the crocodile closes it gently around it. He hits the crocodile on the snout again with the walking stick, and pulls out his penis, totally unharmed.

The crowd are suitably impressed, and when the man asks if anyone would like to have a go, everyone is surprised to see old Ethel raise her hand in the corner.

The man says "Well of course madam, if you're sure.."

The old woman looks at him and says "Quite sure, young man. Just don't hit me so hard with that fucking stick - I'm 82."

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By *rat32Couple over a year ago

North Notts

Two dyslexics are in a room, one says "can you smell gas?"

The other one says "gas!? I can't even smell my own fucking name!!!"

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Did you hear about the thalidomide porn star?

He's got an arm like a babies cock.

* Enter tumble *

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By *umourCouple over a year ago

Rushden

An Italian tourist asks a blonde woman: "Why do scuba divers always fall

backwards off their boats into the water?"

To which the blonde woman replies: "If they fell forward, they'd still be in

the boat."

No blondes were hurt in the making of this joke, just one joke maker who mysteriously has a black eye!

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Murphy gets a job on a building site.

Unfortunately, he is involved in an accident on his first day and got his left ear sliced clean off.

While he is receiving medical attention and getting bandaged up, his workmates try to locate his missing lughole.

One guy finds an ear and takes it to Murphy.

'I think I found it Murph. Is this it?'

Tp which Murphy replies 'no mate, mine had a pencil behind it'

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Why don't you find aspirin in the jungle???

because the paracetamol x

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

What's brass and sounds like Tom Jones?

Trombones

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"What's brass and sounds like Tom Jon

Trombones

Best one yet haha x

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"Did you hear about the thalidomide porn star?

He's got an arm like a babies cock.

* Enter tumble * "

Wow

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"What's brass and sounds like Tom Jon

Trombones

Best one yet haha x

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Old Bert finally gets Doris in his room in the old folks home, she's getting undressed and says " be gentle Bert, I've got acute angina!" He replies... " I hope you have.... cos your tits aren't very impressive...!"

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By *eavenNhellCouple over a year ago

carrbrook stalybridge

Lewisham Police have announced the discovery of an arms cache of 200 semi- automatic rifles with 250,000 rounds of ammunition, 10 anti-tank missiles, 4 grenade launchers, 2 tons of heroin, £25 million in forged notes and a ring of 25 prostitutes on a housing estate behind Lewisham Public Library.

Lewisham folks were stunned.

A community leader said: "We is well shocked. We never knew we had a library in Lewisham

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"Got any real side splitters?"

No.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

I know some cowboy jokes, there's 7 of them and they're all magnificent

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By *artytwoCouple over a year ago

Wolverhampton

Check the 'New car shortlist' thread,

you won't stop laughing.

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