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Jokes
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"Three dead bodies turn up at a mortuary all with very big smiles on their faces and the police call on the coroner to investigate. "First body," says the coroner, "Pierre Dubois, Frenchman, 70, died of heart failure while making love to his 20-year old mistress. Hence the Smile,' says the Coroner. "Second body is Gregory Campbell, Scotsman, 25, won £50,000 on the Lottery. Spent it all on whisky. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the Smile." he says. The Police Inspector asked, '"So what about this third body?'" "Ah," says the coroner, "this is the most unusual one. Paddy Murphy, Irish, 30, struck by lightning." "Why the broad grin, then?" inquires the Inspector. "He thought he was having his picture taken!!. "This made me LOL | |||
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"Three dead bodies turn up at a mortuary all with very big smiles on their faces and the police call on the coroner to investigate. "First body," says the coroner, "Pierre Dubois, Frenchman, 70, died of heart failure while making love to his 20-year old mistress. Hence the Smile,' says the Coroner. "Second body is Gregory Campbell, Scotsman, 25, won £50,000 on the Lottery. Spent it all on whisky. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the Smile." he says. The Police Inspector asked, '"So what about this third body?'" "Ah," says the coroner, "this is the most unusual one. Paddy Murphy, Irish, 30, struck by lightning." "Why the broad grin, then?" inquires the Inspector. "He thought he was having his picture taken!!. "The old ones are best. | |||
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"Say the following quite quickly Oil Beef Hooked Ta da ! You can speak Irish "Whale oil beef hooked  | |||
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"A guy was driving down a motorway with his blonde girlfriend and she piped up, "I think those people in the car next to us are from Wales". "Why do you think that ?" he said. "Well, the kids are writing on the window and it says "stit ruoy su wohs"" giggidy | |||
"A couple take in an 18-year-old girl as a lodger. She asked if she could have a bath. The woman of the house told her they didn't have a bath but if she wanted to she could use a tin bath in front of the fire. "Monday's the best night, when my husband goes out to darts," she said. The girl agreed to have a bath the following Monday.... After her husband had gone to the pub for his darts match, the woman filled the bath and watched the girl get undressed. She was surprised to see that the lass didn't have any pubic hair. She mentioned this to her husband when he came home. He didn't believe her, so she said: "Next Monday, don't go to darts. I'll leave a gap in the curtains so you can see for yourself.." So the following Monday, while the girl again got undressed, the wife asked: "Do you shave?" "No," replied the girl. "I've just never grown any hairs down there. Do you have hair?" "Oh, yes," said the woman, and she showed the girl that indeed, she was far from hairless. When the girl went to bed the husband came in, and the wife asked: "Did you see it?" "Yes," he said, "but why the hell did you have to show her yours." "Why not?" she said. "You've seen it before." "I know," he said, "but the darts team hadn't ! " | |||
"A teacher asks her class, "Can anyone tell me the name of Robin Hood’s girlfriend?" Little Jonny raises his hand and says "Trudy Glenn, Miss". Slightly surprised, teacher says "No Jonny the answer is Maid Marion". But Miss, what about the song, Robin Hood, Robin Hood riding Trudy Glenn." | |||
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"What does William Shatner see when he looks down the toilet? The Captain's Log!" "Captain!" "Yes Scottie?" "We have the transporter locked on now" "Don't beam me up Scottie I am having a shiiiiiiiiiiii....... | |||
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"I keep hearing irish voices coming from my tummy. Doctor reckons ive got a stomach ulster "I think these Irish jokes are not funny like the joke with a gay Irish couple called Micheal Fitzpatric and Patrick Fitzmicheal. Who can find that funny  | |||
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"Penguin driving a car and experiences engine trouble, he pulls into a garage and ask the mechanic to take a look, whilst the mechanic is looking under the bonnett the penguin gets out and walks up to a vending machine and buys an icecream, eats it with a passion, he returns with is beak covered in icecream, the mechanic pops is head from under the engine and shouts blown a seal, the penguin says no I haven't you cheeky fucker."
This one made me lol!! | |||
perhaps why ive got no mates | |||
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"A cameleon was violently attacked by two turtles. The police was investigating the incident and an officer came to the cameleon and asked 'can you describe your assailants please?' The cameleon replied 'oh difficult to remember. It all went so fast. .'" I don't get this one? | |||
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"Just seen Chris Rea boarding a train! What a lying bastard!" Would hate to be a girl who has Chris Rea's 2 brothers, Dire and Gonna. | |||
"Old Marx one liner: On safari I shot an elephant in my pyjamas. How it got in my pyjamas I'll never know" Another one: "I wouldn't wish to belong to a club that would have someone like me as a member" Some tourists were being shown around Beverley Hills and arrived outside his house. He was in the garden pruning roses... a Lady shouted "Whats it like working for Groucho?" He replied: "The wages are terrible but I get to sleep with Mrs Marx..." | |||
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