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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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...besides ... you can't teach someone to be a lady when it just ain't in her, it's that old "you either got it or you haven't"... y'know
...Aaaaanyway... if you really have to go to the Ritz, make sure that you:
1) don't say: "£8 fucking quid for a prawn sarnie! You're taking the piss mate!"
2) don't ask for the kiddies menu expecting it to be cheaper.
3) don't do a runner - it's terrible bad form to be hauled back through the dining area by two burly Turkish men who fondle ur boobs as they man-handle you. (on second thoughts, perhaps I shouldn't have mentioned that - you'll fookin do it now!)
4) don't ask the waiter: "so where did Di used to sit then?" - they'll know you're really a chav then.
5) and don't, under any circumstances whatsoever, sing that fookin song, but just in case you feel compelled and can't stop yourself - here's the lyrics:
Have you seen the well to do ?
Up and down Park Avenue ?
On that famous thoroughfare,
With their noses in the air ?
High hats and arrowed collars,
Wide spats and fifteen dollars.
Spending every dime,
For a wonderful time !
If you're blue and you don' know,
Where to go to, why don't you go,
Where fashion sits ?
Putting On The Ritz.
Different types, who wear a day,
Co-pants with stripes, and cut away,
Coat, perfect fits ?
Putting On The Ritz.
Dressed up like a million dollar trooper,
Trying hard to look like Gary Cooper.
Super-duper !
Come, let's mix where Rockerfellas,
Walk with sticks, or umbrellas,
In their mitts.
Putting On The Ritz.
Spangled gowns upon a beauty of hand-me-downs, on clown and cutie,
All misfits.
Putting On The Ritz.
Tips his hat just like an English chappie,
To a lady with the wealthy happy.
Very Snappy !
You'll declare it's simply topping,
To be there, and hear them swapping,
Smart titbits.
Putting On the Ritz (3x) !!
Enjoy yaself hon x
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