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share a joke

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

Man: babe, Iv won the lottery! Pack your bags!

Wife: oh my goodness! Were are we going?!

Man: no were! Just pack your bags and fuck off!

Your turn...

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By *emmefataleWoman over a year ago

dirtybigbadsgirlville

"Man: babe, Iv won the lottery! Pack your bags!

Wife: oh my goodness! Were are we going?!

Man: no were! Just pack your bags and fuck off!

Your turn..."
i cant think of any

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By *harpDressed ManMan over a year ago

Here occasionally, but mostly somewhere else

"Your turn...i cant think of any

I used to be able to think of two, but we're only allowed to think of one at the moment

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was, since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape. He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as: Knowing when to come in out of the rain; Why the early bird gets the worm; Life isn't always fair; and maybe it was my fault.

Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you can earn) and reliable strategies (adults, not children, are in charge).

His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well -intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a 6-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.

Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job that they themselves had failed to do in disciplining their unruly children.

It declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer sun lotion or an Aspirin to a student; but could not inform parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.

Common Sense lost the will to live as the churches became businesses; and criminals received better treatment than their victims.

Common Sense took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself from a burglar in your own home and the burglar could sue you for assault.

Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement. Common Sense was preceded in death, by his parents, Truth and Trust, by his wife, Discretion, by his daughter, Responsibility, and by his son, Reason....

He is survived by his 4 stepbrothers: I Know My Rights, I Want It Now, Someone Else Is To Blame, and I'm A Victim.

Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone.

If you still remember him, rejoice in the good times. If not, join the majority and do nothing.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

why did the toliet roll, roll down the hill??

to get to the bottom!!! ahhahahhahaha

(sorry)

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By *emmefataleWoman over a year ago

dirtybigbadsgirlville

"why did the toliet roll, roll down the hill??

to get to the bottom!!! ahhahahhahaha

(sorry)

"
lol, now thats funny

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Why did the chicken cross the road...

to see Gregory Peck

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By *empnbunkCouple over a year ago

south coast

[Removed by poster at 14/07/10 01:34:38]

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By *empnbunkCouple over a year ago

south coast

just bought a wee dog from the local blacksmith as soon as i got it home it made a bolt for the door

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Why Studying Is Better Than Sex?

1. You can usually find someone to do it with.

2. If you get tired, you can stop, save your place and pick up where you left off.

3. You can finish early without feelings of guilt or shame.

4. When you open a book, you don't have to worry about who else has opened it.

5. A little coffee and you can do it all night.

6. If you don't finish a chapter you won't gain a reputation as a "book teaser."

7 You can do it, eat and watch T.V. all at the same time.

8 You don't get embarrassed if your parents interrupt you in the middle.

9 You don't have to put your beer down to do it.

10 If you aren't sure what you're doing, you can always ask your roommate for help.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"Why did the chicken cross the road...

to see Gregory Peck

Why did the baby cross the road?

It was stapled to the chicken.

What's black and bangs on glass?

A baby in a microwave!

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

what's grey and comes in pints?

an elephant!!

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

[Removed by poster at 14/07/10 19:42:12]

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

News : 'British Man Plunges To Death In Ibiza'.

Christ that toilet must have been seriously blocked!! .....

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

The Pianist

An out of work pianist with Tourette's Syndrome is strolling around the streets and bars of Soho one afternoon. Walking down Dean Street he sees a lounge bar with a sign in the window: 'Pianist wanted for evening performances'. 'fcuking get in there you c*nt!' he says to himself and goes to the bar. 'Get the fcuking manager of this pigshit middle class wankhole please... you c*nt', he says to a somewhat startled barman.

The barman however obliges and his manager comes upstairs. 'Can I help you sir?' he says 'Yes you can you fat piece of shit, I saw your poxy advert in the c*nting window and I'm here to audition..... C*nt!' The manager is naturally put off by the man's abrasive manner but his dire need for a top class pianist forces him to agree to an audition.

The first tune the Pianist plays is an uplifting jazzy number, not too involving, yet utterly melodic. At the end the thrilled barman cries, 'Wonderful, wonderful. What was that called?' 'That song was called "Excuse Me Prime Minister But I Just Fcuked Your Daughter, And Now The Pregnant Dog Is Blind...' 'Oh' says the manager 'err, can you play me another. Something a little less "lively". 'Bollocks!' interjects the pianist before launching into a powerful ballad which leaves the manager in tears. The manager through his salty teardrops asks him the title. 'That little number was called "Sometimes When You Do A Bird Up The Arse You Get Shit On Your Bell-end.' 'I see' says the manager, 'Have you got any songs with less offensive titles?' 'Well there's my jazz number "Do You Want Me To Split Your Ringpiece?", or there's the epic "I Don't Care If You're Older My Dear, You've Still Got Nice Flaps". 'Look' says the manager interrupting, I think you're a superb pianist but the titles of your songs are a little "racy". I will hire you on the condition that you do not introduce your songs or speak to the audience.' 'F*ck it' says the pianist 'Why not'.

On his first night everything is going superbly - the crowd are lapping up his repertoire and his silence is being received as modesty. The only thing putting off the pianist is that in the front row there is a gorgeous blonde woman in a black evening dress with a split up the side revealing the tops of her stockings, and a plunging neckline which boasts a proud and inviting cleavage.

During the interval the pianist has got such an impressive 'swelling' that he decides to go to the bog and polish one off, just to 'relax himself'. Just as he has 'relinquished' he hears himself being re-introduced over the P.A, so he rushes back to the stage and finishes his act.

After the show he is at the bar relaxing when the blonde approaches him. 'Hi' she says. 'Hello' he winces, struggling to hold in the expletives. She leans over and whispers in his ear, 'Do you know your cock is hanging out of your trousers, and spunk is dribbling onto your shoes?' 'Know them?' says the pianist putting his beer on the bar confidently, I fcuking wrote them!!!'

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Superman is flying round New York City and he sees wonderwoman sunbathing naked on the roof of a building, so he thinks 'what the heck, I am superman!', flies down, shags her and flies off in a split second. Wonderwoman sits up and goes 'what was that?' the invisible man climbs off her and says 'dunno but it bloody hurt!'

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Bloke goes to the doctor having problems with premature ejaculation. He is told when you feel yourself cuming give yourself a fright by firing a starter pistol in air to prolong the sex. 2 days later the doctor see him again and asks how it went. Bloke says not good. We were in a 69 position when i felt myself start to cum. So I fired the gun. My wife shit in my face, bit the end off my cock and the milkman came out the wardrobe with his hands up.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

I saw a little African child on side of the road today eating grass. I said "dont eat that, cum home with me". The child said "can my sister and 3 brothers come too?" I replied " fuck off its only a small lawn"

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Police in Liverpool have arrested 3 of 4 well known Scouse Islamic terrorists: Bin Snortin. Bin Dealing and Bin Thievin. There was no sign of Bin Workin...!!!!

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"I saw a little African child on side of the road today eating grass. I said "dont eat that, cum home with me". The child said "can my sister and 3 brothers come too?" I replied " fuck off its only a small lawn""

Liking this

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

An M.P visits a local nursing home, he asks a 93 year old resident "Have you been bed ridden since you've been here?"

"A few times," she replies, "but I prefer being fucked up the arse on the sofa."

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"An M.P visits a local nursing home, he asks a 93 year old resident "Have you been bed ridden since you've been here?"

"A few times," she replies, "but I prefer being fucked up the arse on the sofa."

liking this also.....bet thats me when am 93

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

whats blue and doesnt fit?

a dead epileptic

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"whats blue and doesnt fit?

a dead epileptic"

Fuck i nearly choked on my

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By *U1966Man over a year ago

Devon

Girl has baby midwife says its black

girls says i needed money so i did a porn film leading man was black

midwife says hes got blonde hair well the other leading was blonde

midwife says he got slanted eyes er the other leading man was chinese

midwife slaps baby and he cries thank god for that said the girl i thought he was going to bark

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By *ushroom7Man over a year ago

Bradford

I had one of those moments where i thought of having a sex change, starting with a boob job. Being a bit skint i could only afford to have one boob done at once.

People say i look a right tit.

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By *empnbunkCouple over a year ago

south coast

what do you call a monkey in a minefield

A BABOOOOOM!!!!!!

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By *ooseLipsWoman over a year ago

Durham-ish

When is a Fairy not a Fairy ?

When shes kneeling infront of an Elf with his pants down...

Then shes a goblin

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By *oe_Steve_NWestCouple over a year ago

Bolton

26 lessons you girls need to learn

1.Men are NOT mind readers.

2.Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down

3.Sunday sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

4.Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

5.Crying is blackmail.

6.Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!

7.Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

8.Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

9.A headache that lasts for 17 months is a Problem. See a doctor.

10.Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 Days.

11.If you won't dress like the Victoria 's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.

12.If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.

13.If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one

14.You can either ask us to do something Or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

15.Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

16.Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.

17.ALL men see in only 16 colours, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A colour. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

18.If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

19.If we ask what is wrong and you say 'nothing, We will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

20.If you ask a question you don't want an answer to expect an answer you don't want to hear.

21.When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine... Really

22.Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as sports , cars, or, sex.

23.You have enough clothes.

24.You have too many shoes.

25.I am in shape. Round IS a shape!

26.Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight; But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.

Sorry posse but someone had to tell you the truth. Steve

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By *emmefataleWoman over a year ago

dirtybigbadsgirlville

"26 lessons you girls need to learn

1.Men are NOT mind readers.

2.Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down

3.Sunday sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

4.Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

5.Crying is blackmail.

6.Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!

7.Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

8.Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

9.A headache that lasts for 17 months is a Problem. See a doctor.

10.Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 Days.

11.If you won't dress like the Victoria 's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.

12.If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.

13.If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one

14.You can either ask us to do something Or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

15.Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

16.Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.

17.ALL men see in only 16 colours, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A colour. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

18.If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

19.If we ask what is wrong and you say 'nothing, We will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

20.If you ask a question you don't want an answer to expect an answer you don't want to hear.

21.When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine... Really

22.Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as sports , cars, or, sex.

23.You have enough clothes.

24.You have too many shoes.

25.I am in shape. Round IS a shape!

26.Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight; But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.

Sorry posse but someone had to tell you the truth. Steve

"
Number 24 is just going toooooooooooooooooooooo far

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

Cant beat the scouse sense of humour!

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

this guy is nervously walking up and down the corridor at the maternity ward waiting for news of the birth of his child eventually the midwife comes out and say mr smith i have some good news and some bad news which would you like first? mr smith thinks about it then says give me the bad news, midwife says your son has got ginger hair, mr smith says ginger hair i can live with that whats the good news? midwife says he was stillborn

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

[Removed by poster at 15/07/10 00:12:51]

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

[Removed by poster at 30/07/10 13:01:09]

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

A man and his wife are having sex when their 10 year old son walks in and screams, "Oh my God!"

The husband says "I'll go to his room and explain to him what was going on."

When the father walks in he finds his son trying to have sex with his elderly grandmother.

The father screams "Oh my God!!!"

"Yeah," the son replies, "It's not so funny when it's YOUR mother!"

risque but still funny

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

[Removed by poster at 30/07/10 13:06:12]

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

[Removed by poster at 30/07/10 13:07:15]

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

to CARAN couple posting a joke like that if u honestly think thats funny then u really do need help! hope u feel ashamed of yourself u sick """"!

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"26 lessons you girls need to learn

1.Men are NOT mind readers.

2.Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down

3.Sunday sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

4.Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

5.Crying is blackmail.

6.Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!

7.Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

8.Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

9.A headache that lasts for 17 months is a Problem. See a doctor.

10.Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 Days.

11.If you won't dress like the Victoria 's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.

12.If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.

13.If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one

14.You can either ask us to do something Or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

15.Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

16.Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.

17.ALL men see in only 16 colours, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A colour. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

18.If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

19.If we ask what is wrong and you say 'nothing, We will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

20.If you ask a question you don't want an answer to expect an answer you don't want to hear.

21.When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine... Really

22.Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as sports , cars, or, sex.

23.You have enough clothes.

24.You have too many shoes.

25.I am in shape. Round IS a shape!

26.Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight; But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.

16.Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.

Wasn't he trying to find India when he found the West Indies? hence the name

thank god tom toms were invented

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Dear Cash My Gold,

Here is a ring, please save me from myself.

Yours Gratefully

Frodo Baggins

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By *ummy mummyWoman over a year ago

southampton-ish

"to CARAN couple posting a joke like that if u honestly think thats funny then u really do need help! hope u feel ashamed of yourself u sick """"!"

I agree...not funny in the slightest

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Got a text message the other day from an unknown number which read:

"Your mums sucked my cock..."

Shortly followed by another text from the same number:

"This is my new number. love dad."

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By *thwalescplCouple over a year ago

brecon

I got home last night, sat down and turned the TV on, and asked the wife "hunni, can you bring me a beer before it starts?". My wife got me a beer, and I finished it quickly before asking "Can I have another one quick, before it starts?".

"Oh really" she said, "I dont slave over a hot stove all day and wash and iron...." she went on, but all I said was "too late, its started!"

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By *xstephbxxCouple over a year ago

hyde

God asked Jesus to take lots of drugs to sympathise with modern man. Jesus asked each Disciple to find a drug and bring it to him. Mark brought cocaine, Matthew brought LSD, Luke brought and Judas? Judas brought the entire fucking Drug Squad..

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

no sorry i dont feel ashamed, ive got ginger hair myself and there wasnt a real child involved! if you didnt find it funny just move on to the next one.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Son to Dad ''dad whats a virgins vagina look like?;;

Dad says''like a rose waiting to bloom.''

Son ask's'' what about a vagina after sex?''

Dad replies''well..have you ever seen a bulldog, eating mayonaise?''

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Paddy's wife comes home from work to find

he has nailed all her sex toys to the

wall she screams you silly cunt paddy i

said i wanted a DADO RAIL.. lol

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

I wanted to do something nice so I bought

my mother-in-law a chair. Now they won't

let me plug it in lol xx

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"Paddy's wife comes home from work to find

he has nailed all her sex toys to the

wall she screams you silly cunt paddy i

said i wanted a DADO RAIL.. lol "

Lol, nearly had tea out me nose when I read that lol

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"Paddy's wife comes home from work to find

he has nailed all her sex toys to the

wall she screams you silly cunt paddy i

said i wanted a DADO RAIL.. lol

Lol, nearly had tea out me nose when I read that lol

oops soz u needing a bib lol xx

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"Paddy's wife comes home from work to find

he has nailed all her sex toys to the

wall she screams you silly cunt paddy i

said i wanted a DADO RAIL.. lol

Lol, nearly had tea out me nose when I read that lol

oops soz u needing a bib lol xx"

Lol no tissues to hand........ ok that sounded alot more dodgy than it was meant to be lol

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

now now keep it clean lol

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By *i 1 Get 1 FreeCouple (MM) over a year ago

birmingham

Don't do jokes

Much easier being miserable!

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"Don't do jokes

Much easier being miserable !

ya no miserable ya lovely

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Woman says to her husband "You only ever

want sex when you're pissed."

Bloke replies "That's not true. Sometimes

I want a kebab.. lol xx

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By *i 1 Get 1 FreeCouple (MM) over a year ago

birmingham

"ya no miserable ya lovely

xx"

Hi Stunna

not half as lovely as your breasts!

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"ya no miserable ya lovely

Hi Stunna

not half as lovely as your breasts!

why ty kindly sir

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By *layfullsamMan over a year ago

Solihull

I shagged the arse off a deaf and dumb girl last night...I was so ashamed of myself afterwards so i superglued her fingers together so she couldnt tell anyone.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"I shagged the arse off a deaf and dumb girl last night...I was so ashamed of myself afterwards so i superglued her fingers together so she couldnt tell anyone."

gd 1 lol x

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

a nurse digs into her bag for a pen to

write a cheque and pulls out a rectal

thermometer...great she sighs

some arsehole's got my pen

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

i nearly wet my pants typing this joke lol

This sex is sex a sex good sex way sex to

sex keep sex a sex thick sex twat sex

busy sex for sex twenty sex seconds sex.

now read it without the sex lol

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago
Forum Mod

"a nurse digs into her bag for a pen to

write a cheque and pulls out a rectal

thermometer...great she sighs

some arsehole's got my pen

Hahahaha I love that

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

man says to his wife let me take a pic of your tits, then i can look at them all day!

wife says let me take a pic of ur cock then i can finally get it enlarged !!

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

[Removed by poster at 30/07/10 18:58:56]

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Paddy goes into pizza hut, the woman asks

if she'd like her pizza cut into 6 0r 8

slices..Paddy says just 6 please i don't

think i could eat 8 pmsl

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

little boy disturbs parents making luv mum on top

boy askes what they r doing "dad has a big tummy so i get on top of it to help flatten it"

boy says your waisting ur time cause when your out shopping the lady next door gets on her knees an blows it bk up again

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

A man goes into a library an asks for a

book on suicide..The librarian replies

Fk off..u wont bring it back lol

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

I once went with a blind prostitute.. you had to hand it to her...

... we then we got down to it and I put my arms round her and had a good squeeze of her bum, what a shock I got, "hey, you ain't half got a load of warts on your arse!" I said to her.

She replied, "nah mate, it's me price list in braille!"

Visited a brothel once and I directed to a room to wait for the girl to enter. I got on the bed and made myself comfortable and looked up to the ceiling a saw the following:

Ham Rolls: 50p

Cheese Rolls: 60p

A Wank: £10.00

Then in walks this feckin HUGE old boiler! I looked at her and said, "Is that right, that menu up there on the celing?"

She said, "Yer."

I said, "Do you do the wank?"

She said, "Yer."

I said, "Wash ya hands and get me a cheese roll will ya!"

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

My wife keeps complaining that I wear socks when we have sex.

I suppose a condom would be better.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

If monkeys are related to humans...

How come you never see them at weddings?

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Why are married men fatter than single men?

Because single men come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed.

Married men come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge!

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

I was driving behind a car today when it suddenly pulled over and a woman stepped out.

She walked up to my window and said, "I've got a flat".

I said, "Ok, I'll follow you there".

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

I lost my virginity for a pound today

I should never have bent over to pick it up!

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Did you hear about the gay rabbit?

He found a hare up his ass.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

How are fat girls and mopeds alike?

They are fun to ride but you don’t want your friends to find out.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

How do you get a nun pregnant?

Dress her up as an alter boy

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Two men sat on the edge of a boat one says "isnt it funny how scuba divers always go into the water backwards"

The other says well if they went forward they would still be in the fuckin boat you twat

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

3 generations of prossies sat around the table, the daughter says, I got £25 for a bloe job today, the Mother says, I used to get a fiver, Grandma says, in my day during te war, we wee just grateful for the warm drink!

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"3 generations of prossies sat around the table, the daughter says, I got £25 for a bloe job today, the Mother says, I used to get a fiver, Grandma says, in my day during te war, we wee just grateful for the warm drink!"

eew! I'm now wearing coffee pmsl

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"Two men sat on the edge of a boat one says "isnt it funny how scuba divers always go into the water backwards"

The other says well if they went forward they would still be in the fuckin boat you twat

I'm not I bigot or raceist in any way - just what follows next is funny.

A paki has died whilst training to be a sky diver!

Sources at the english teaching school of sky diving have said they have no idea why his flippers and snorkel did not open.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Message from my mate:

"Just bought a new tomtom satnav, thought it would be funny to enter TWAT and see where I ended up........, put the kettle on I'm outside!!"

my reply:

"Funny that - I just laughed out loud & said u twat n my voice dial called you OMG coincidence or what -

When I realised said I said shit n it did the same presume that was your home number though lol

Kettles on!"

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

[Removed by poster at 31/07/10 07:26:03]

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

A lady put in add in lonely hearts part of the paper that reads

"I'm looking for a man that will not beat me, will not run around on me and is good in bed"

After a few replys she picks this one guy and asks him around to hers for a cup of tea

The door bell rings and as she opens the door to her amazement there is a guy on her door step with no legs and no arms.

"hi I'm Jake. I replied to your add"

"just hold on a min here, you think you are what I'm looking for" She asks

"your add said that your looking for a guy that will not beat you, I've no arms so I cant. All so you said that you looking someone that will not run around on you, I've no legs"

"and your going to tell me your good in bed" she says with a half smile on her face

"how do you think I rang your door bell"

I love that joke lol

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By *layfullsamMan over a year ago

Solihull

two pieces of black asphalt are having a drink in a bar when all of a sudden the door is kicked open and a piece of red asphalt walks into the bar looking angry.."omg we had better leave said the one piece of black asphalt" "why" ? says the other piece.."because red asphalt is here and he"s a "CYCLE PATH"

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"Superman is flying round New York City and he sees wonderwoman sunbathing naked on the roof of a building, so he thinks 'what the heck, I am superman!', flies down, shags her and flies off in a split second. Wonderwoman sits up and goes 'what was that?' the invisible man climbs off her and says 'dunno but it bloody hurt!'

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"two pieces of black asphalt are having a drink in a bar when all of a sudden the door is kicked open and a piece of red asphalt walks into the bar looking angry.."omg we had better leave said the one piece of black asphalt" "why" ? says the other piece.."because red asphalt is here and he"s a "CYCLE PATH""

mmm not sure on that one

cycle path = psychopath?

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

[Removed by poster at 22/10/10 17:06:40]

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana when he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house 'Talking Dog For Sale'. He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador sitting there.

"You talk?" he says.

"Yep" the dog replies.

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog speak, he says "So, what's your story?"

The Labrador looks up and says, "Well. I discovered I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping."

"I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running, but the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals."

"I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm retired."

The guys is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

"Ten dollars." the guy says.

"Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"

"Because he's a liar. He never did any of that shit."

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By *etillanteWoman over a year ago

Woman says to her husband

"Can you think of anything a man can do that a woman can't"

"Yes, sit on a glass table naked and not leave a sticky smear"

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By *aravancoupleMan over a year ago

A Secret Hideaway In the caravan of love

Irish birth control

Mrs.Donovan was walking down O'Connell Street

in Dublin when she met up with Father Flaherty.

The Father said, 'Top o'the mornin

to ye! Aren't ye Mrs.Donovan

and didn't I marry ye and yer

hoosband two years ago?

She replied, 'Aye,that ye did,Father.

The Father asked, 'And be there

any wee little ones yet?

She replied,'No, not yet, Father.

The Father said, 'Well now,

I'm going to Rome next week

and I'll light a candle for ye

and yer hoosband.

She replied, 'Oh, thank ye, Father.

They then parted.

Some years later they met again.

The Father asked,'Well now,

Mrs. Donovan, how are ye these days?

She replied, 'Oh, very well, Father!

The Father asked, 'And tell me,

have ye any wee ones yet?

She replied, 'Oh yes,Father!

Two sets of twins and six singles,

ten in all!

The Father said, 'That's wonderful!

How is yer loving hoosband doing?

She replied, 'E's gone to Rome

to blow out yer fookin' candle.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Why does Snoop Dogg carry an umbrella?

Fo'Drizzle.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Did you know that 70% of the Gay population were born that way? The other 30% were sucked in to it

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