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is being nice a form of weakness?
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Is being well bought up with manners and thoughts for other peoples feelings good or is it just a form of weakness for others to prey on?
I'm just writing this as I have no where else to vent really.
work hasnt been the best recently but I live for my weekends when I have my daughter to stay. When she is here my world is complete again! 
This weekend completely unbeknown to my daughter she has said something that has completely fucked my head and I need to find a place to go and just vent.
she arrived with me on friday as usual. Over the last few weeks once or twice she has referred to my ex wifes new husband as daddy and has corrected herself straight away and I have never made an issue of it. Friday she referred to him as daddy again but never corrected herself. I asked why? Her response was that 'mummy has told me that I must call him daddy'.
Well you could have knocked me over with a feather. I nearly fell off the chair. We discussed it and I made ot out as a joke and that her mum didnt mean it to which my daughter disagreed.
I have text my ex to query this expecting her to tell me its just a mix up. The text came back telling me that she had told my daughter to call another man daddy. I have remaines diplomatic and explained I am very upset about this and have left it for my ex to sort out. Inside I am crippled and the anger is building (I am a lover not a fighter I prefer to talk with reasoning).
Am I just a pushover? Probably
Am I a fool? Probably
Will kicking off solve anything? Probably not
Do I feel proud when I have my princess? Most definitely and I don't want to jeapardise that.
I am not really looking for a response I just want to vent somewhere sorry!
Anyone got any cake???????  |
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Aww sweetheart it sounds an awful situation to be in....I think your daughter is only doing as she is told and is not at an age where is can argue her defensive as to why she shouldn't call another man..."daddy". You have made your point to your ex as a grown up so a pat on the back for that...Just remember no matter what you are her Dad and that is all that matters...
In terms of being nice yes sometimes people can use that to their advantage and I'm always being told I'm too nice but it's about not allowing people to take the piss!!! Be strong and chin up lovely xx |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Allow me to share something with you.
When I was first with my ex (the mother of my two young children), she already had two children - incidentally by different men.
One was a teenager, the other around 5.
One evening, when I went round after work - I wasn't even living there at this point - the youngest called me 'Daddy'
I really didn't know how to react to this.
At the time, my ex was going through court proceedings taken by the child's father who was not being afforded contact by her.
He had made an application for residence - and was successful.
When my ex used to go for her contact visits, she kept referring to me as Daddy, refusing to acknowledge the relationship between her Daughter and her natural father.
Ultimately during ongoing court appearances that followed, the presiding Judge actually commented on the subject - stating that he didn't hold with the idea of Daddy 'x' and Daddy 'y'. A child has one Mother and One Father.
Also, it should be considered from another perspective.
By her very actions, your ex-partner is attempting to destabilise the relationship between you and your daughter.
This is very clearly identified and defined as Emotional abuse of the child.
You need to talk to the headteacher at your daughters school about it. The headteacher will be obliged to raise the matter with Social care.
You can of course mention to your ex that you have been seeking advice on the issue and have been advised that this behaviour is a form of Child Abuse and that unless it ceases immediately, you will be taking matters further.
Hope this helps |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I have been told on numerous occasions that i'm too nice and as a result I end up getting walked all over and taken advantage of then I get let down and hurt.
I put others first all the time, when I try a different angle I always feel guilty.
I think what your ex has done is really unfair and I'm not surprised you are upset.
Holding your head high and dealing with it in a mature and dignified way I think was the best course of action.
Don't stop being a kind person, I don't think it's a sign of weakness and you will have people in your life who will appreciate and reciprocate how you treat them.
Keep your chin up and hope you can get the issue sorted. |
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By *icketysplitsWoman
over a year ago
Way over Yonder, that's where I'm bound |
Being nice isn't a weakness. Not acknowledging your own feelings and putting yourself down for others is.
OP, it's a really sad situation for your daughter. You have sent your ex a message and you probably need to follow this up with a chat. Your child sits in the middle of this in a no-win situation. She either does as her mother asks or as her father asks. Whatever she does is seen as the wrong thing by the other parent. It's not fair on her.
Set that out as the case and maybe agree a word that can be used to describe her new step-father.
Good luck.
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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My children call my ex's fiance Daddy and it really fucks everyone off except me. How I see it is that I am not going anywhere and will remain part of my children lives, they know I am there Dad and all that has changed is that they tell me they are special for having two.
I don't find it uncomfortable nor do I feel threatened by him. I also have no idea if they were told to call him that or not and although I could of easily gone round and belted him to punish her on occasions it just isn't worth it because as soon as she realised I wasn't going to retaliate or argue she gave up being a utter twat. I am there for my children only and petty acts by her are of no interest.
To be fair to the man although i don't know what he has been told or how much he has a say he took on my two as well when he got with my ex and he does well by them.
Basically keep doing right by your daughter and ignore the other shit. |
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By *iewMan
over a year ago
Forum Mod Angus & Findhorn |
do everything to maintain your father/daughters relationship, behave in the most appropriate way... that may be difficult at times but your daughter will admire her father for it.....
good luck. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"do everything to maintain your father/daughters relationship, behave in the most appropriate way... that may be difficult at times but your daughter will admire her father for it.....
good luck."
Best advice!
Well done for being mature about it, you seem a very decent dad. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"do everything to maintain your father/daughters relationship, behave in the most appropriate way... that may be difficult at times but your daughter will admire her father for it.....
good luck.
Best advice!
Well done for being mature about it, you seem a very decent dad. "
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Being full of respect for others needs make no one a pushover etc. It's usually when we deny ourselves and our needs, in favor of others needs that we get into risky areea. I think you just need to concentrate on sustaining the relationship with your daughter and accepting that you will always be her full father. I don't think you'll get anywhere with your ex, so I'd back off now. Not because you're too nice but because she will not support you. |
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I can sympathise completely with you, my son was very young when me and his mum split up. I too had to endure my ex insisting that every new bloke she had was to be called dad, but I always just reminded him that you can only actually have one mum & one dad...
Ultimately as time goes by, your daughter will develope their own personality and become strong enough to decide what they're calling who.
Personally I would tell your daughter that the idea of her calling someone else daddy makes you sad, but that you understand that she needs to do what her mum says. I would also make sure that the other bloke also knows how you feel, he may actually be on your side with this.
Oh and to answer your question, No!!! Kindness is a strength, not a weakness. It's always best to be the better man. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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ive found i get hurt often because im too nice but that aside - your little girl knows you are Daddy - im not sure how old she is but you say to her ok - mums new hubby is a step dad but youre her real dad- difficult situation but im sure many here have been in similar place as you right now and can offer more help - sounds like youre lovely with her - that she wont forget xxx |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I can sympathise completely with you, my son was very young when me and his mum split up. I too had to endure my ex insisting that every new bloke she had was to be called dad, but I always just reminded him that you can only actually have one mum & one dad...
Ultimately as time goes by, your daughter will develope their own personality and become strong enough to decide what they're calling who.
Personally I would tell your daughter that the idea of her calling someone else daddy makes you sad, but that you understand that she needs to do what her mum says. I would also make sure that the other bloke also knows how you feel, he may actually be on your side with this.
Oh and to answer your question, No!!! Kindness is a strength, not a weakness. It's always best to be the better man. "
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Mr L - It's a very difficult situation op, I praise you for bringing it up with your ex
I'm in a similar boat to you, telling your daughter your her real daddy ect is pandering to the ex's needs indirectly, my daughter now 6 has issues from her mum as my daughter refers to Mrs L as mummy (daughter is corrected and talked to about it regularly but continues on her own will)
Daughters mum used to tell daughter to call her now ex husband (baby daddy after me  )) dad when she referred to him as that I would correct her, so long as it's truthful and factual there's no harm, just don't stoop to her level by calling your ex a liar or other names
It is very hard !
On the subject of being a push over...
Today I Mr L spend my whole day taking my 6 y/o daughter's eldest sister to college on the other side of the country 300 miles she biologically is nothing do to with be but is my daughter's sister, me and Mrs L look after our 2 children, my daughter who lives with her mum and my daughter's 5 other siblings that live with her mum, baby 6 in there family is a poorly baby I'm often getting up I. The middle of the night driving 30 miles round trip to where daughter and mum's family live to support them
Bring nice can be the hardest thing in the world, made even hard when everything you do is thankless, but your daughter sees everything, one day she'll understand life and praise you for everything you've done, you kept your cool and didn't retaliate no matter what mummy did |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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You sound like you are rising above what your ex is doing which is the best way to be. Hard as it is sometimes. I know it's not easy, but even if your daughter calls her step-father, Daddy, it doesn't take away from you, that you are her real Daddy. It is just a word, although I understand how hurt you must feel.
I can only relate it to the fact I lost my father as a child. I had a step-father who was wonderful. I never called him Dad, I called him by his Christian name. It felt right, however it did sometimes feel awkward when I was out and everyone else called their Dad, "Dad" but I was saying a Christian Name. I may be way off the mark and I know times have changed greatly since then. But maybe by calling him Daddy it makes it all seem more normal when they are out etc.
Your daughter should be allowed to call him what she is comfortable with, rather than being told what to call him. I think some adults forget that children do have their own minds.
As for being nice, that is a good quality, a positive, not a negative. I wish there were more people like that in the world! |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Is being well bought up with manners and thoughts for other peoples feelings good or is it just a form of weakness for others to prey on?
I'm just writing this as I have no where else to vent really.
work hasnt been the best recently but I live for my weekends when I have my daughter to stay. When she is here my world is complete again!
This weekend completely unbeknown to my daughter she has said something that has completely fucked my head and I need to find a place to go and just vent.
she arrived with me on friday as usual. Over the last few weeks once or twice she has referred to my ex wifes new husband as daddy and has corrected herself straight away and I have never made an issue of it. Friday she referred to him as daddy again but never corrected herself. I asked why? Her response was that 'mummy has told me that I must call him daddy'.
Well you could have knocked me over with a feather. I nearly fell off the chair. We discussed it and I made ot out as a joke and that her mum didnt mean it to which my daughter disagreed.
I have text my ex to query this expecting her to tell me its just a mix up. The text came back telling me that she had told my daughter to call another man daddy. I have remaines diplomatic and explained I am very upset about this and have left it for my ex to sort out. Inside I am crippled and the anger is building (I am a lover not a fighter I prefer to talk with reasoning).
Am I just a pushover? Probably
Am I a fool? Probably
Will kicking off solve anything? Probably not
Do I feel proud when I have my princess? Most definitely and I don't want to jeapardise that.
I am not really looking for a response I just want to vent somewhere sorry!
Anyone got any cake??????? "
My ex has 2 kids 1 is mine and the other isn't but he calls me dad I'm ok with it cos his real dad isn't interested but if he was I wouldn't want him to call me dad,your ex wife's man should respect u and tell your ex she can't call him dad! Anyway your daughter will always know who her real dad is! |
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As hard as it is don't correct her as that's basically telling her she's done something wrong when strictly speaking she hasn't. . Kids even at that young age have an understanding of their own identity and who is who within their family circle and as long as you maintain a good relationship with her she will always know who her real daddy is |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Actually, I think you've got to be very strong to be nice, far easier to be a selfish arsehole like most people in this world seem to be. I feel for you. If your girl loves you, and you love her, daddy's just a word, I would be gutted too. Try not to let it get to you. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Actually, I think you've got to be very strong to be nice, far easier to be a selfish arsehole like most people in this world seem to be. I feel for you. If your girl loves you, and you love her, daddy's just a word, I would be gutted too. Try not to let it get to you."
I agree and your daughter knows who her dad is using a name doesn't make it someone. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I can sympathise completely with you, my son was very young when me and his mum split up. I too had to endure my ex insisting that every new bloke she had was to be called dad, but I always just reminded him that you can only actually have one mum & one dad...
Ultimately as time goes by, your daughter will develope their own personality and become strong enough to decide what they're calling who.
Personally I would tell your daughter that the idea of her calling someone else daddy makes you sad, but that you understand that she needs to do what her mum says. I would also make sure that the other bloke also knows how you feel, he may actually be on your side with this.
Oh and to answer your question, No!!! Kindness is a strength, not a weakness. It's always best to be the better man. "
What a lovely read that was x |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"do everything to maintain your father/daughters relationship, behave in the most appropriate way... that may be difficult at times but your daughter will admire her father for it.....
good luck."
I was in the same boat with my ex and spoke to my kids and ignored the antics of my ex. Reinforce the message that your daughter has one father and that will never change. Children will realise what's right and wrong over time. Stay strong and true to yourself, the rest will fall into place. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Remember your daughter lives with your ex and new partner 5days a week, it is in her best interests to have 2 Daddy's and one father. It is always a hard thing to do but you really have to accept the situation and make your daughter the only important person here. |
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By *igSuki81Man
over a year ago
Retirement Village |
I don't mean to sound harsh but what's wrong with your daughter calling him daddy?
Please don't take that the wrong way but if she is calling him daddy and he is being a father to her then is it a bad thing? If you were in a relationship and your partner was being a mom to your daughter so she called her mommy would that not be similar?
As long as you're always her father too and don't let it upset your relationship with her then as she grows up she'll understand who her real father is and will decide how to address him properly without coaxed by her mom.
I don't mean to sound heartless as i'm in a similar situ myself but it really is up to you to show her you're her daddy no matter what she gets told. I'd also ask how old your daughter is as sometimes in these situ's a child will say what they need to to please a parent.
If your ex is doing this on purpose, which it appears to be from her text message, to be spiteful then that is wrong for your daughter as she will be in a conflicted mental state which isnt right or fair on her. Your ex should be encouraging your relationship not driving a wedge between you.
Hopefully my post makes sense and you are able to sort this out mate. Chin up fella, when your daughter grows up she'll know who her dad is |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Wow that's low...feel for you mate. Haven't read the rest of the thread but here's my tuppence worth...If you're on civil terms with your ex's new fella you should have a quiet word in his shell like along the lines of your ex is clearly only doing this to get your goat big time.
If he's a semi decent guy he'll see what she's trying to do and not accept your daughter calling him 'father'and if he does he deserves to be taught that is unacceptable.......How you convey this information to him however is something you will know best,
Heart goes out to you chief,hope you find the best solution |
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