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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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There was a local fancy dress party recently and the costume theme was human emotions.
Two guys show up, stark bollock naked except one has a Pair stuck on his cock, while the other appears to have his knob buried in a bowlful of Trifle.
The host asked them 'what the fuck are you supposed to be'
The chap with the Trifle says 'well my friend here has come in dispair and i'm fucking disgusted' |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I stopped by to help a blacksmith out the other day.
He asked me 'Have you ever shoe-d a horse?'
'No' I said, 'but I once told a donkey to fuck off'"
OP is clearly not liking your jokes!  |
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A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, "What are the grounds for your divorce?"
She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property."
"I mean," he continued, "What are your relations like?"
"I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband's parents."
He said, "Do you have a real grudge?"
"No," she replied, "We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one."
"Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?"
"Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your question is 'yes'."
"Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?"
"Yes," she responded, "most days he gets up earlier than I do."
Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why do you want a divorce?"
"Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I never wanted a divorce. It's husband. He says he can't communicate with me."
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Rev. Ian Paisley dies and approaches the pearly gates.
St. Peter stops him. "You can't get in here" says Peter. "Why not" says Paisley. I've been a good Christian man all my life"
"Not according to our records. It says here you've been preaching hatred against Catholics and the Pope for years" "Now, Just a minute. I haven't done that for a long time. I'm a changed man.
Why, just a few weeks ago, I was walking past a Catholic church in Belfast and I heard some beautiful music.... I looked inside and these wee girls were all dressed up for their first communion. Well, I called over one of those girls and gave her a pound."
"We don't have any record of that here" said Peter "And a couple of weeks later, I walked past another Catholic church and saw some boys being confirmed. I walked over to one of those boys and gave him a pound"
Again Peter looked puzzled. "We have no record of that either" Paisley continued, "And just last week there, I saw a nun helping the homeless in downtown Belfast, so I gave that nun a pound."
Peter said "There must be something wrong with our computer, because we don't have any of this on file. Let me talk to the Big Fellow for a moment." Paisley paced up and down, waiting for the answer. Finally, Peter returned.
"What did He say?" said Paisley. "He said here's your three pound back, now piss off" |
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By *isty286Couple
over a year ago
Dorset |
My mrs was going for a wax and said shall I ask for a brazilian this time ... I said have a Gazza strip ... she asked whats that .. I answered its like a brazilian but after the pounding that area has had over the last 20 yrs its more appropriate. |
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A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after work cocktail with her girlfriends when Steven, a tall, exceptionally handsome, extremely sexy, middle-aged man entered. He was so striking that the woman could not take her eyes off him.
This seasoned yet playful heartthrob noticed her overly attentive stare and walked directly toward her (as any man would). Before she could offer her apologies for staring so rudely, he leaned over and whispered to her, "I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for £20.00...on one condition..."
Flabbergasted but intrigued, the woman asked what the condition was. The man replied, "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words."
The woman considered his proposition for a moment, and then slowly removed a £20 note from her purse, which she pressed into the man's hand along with her address. She looked deeply and passionately into his eyes, barely concealing her anticipation and excitement, and slowly and meaningfully said....
.
.
.
.
.
.
"Decorate my house."  |
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