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Claims Handlers Required
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By *inaTitz OP TV/TS
over a year ago
Titz Towers, North Notts |
Picture the scene. It is a glorious sunny day in North Notts and the sun is shining on Titz Towers, as always. It is pissing it down over the neighbour who has the bonfires. Only on his head, nowhere else.
Tina is in the study, with her feet up, browsing the web for improving pictures of low moral value when the phone rings. Lo! It is the red claims phone for FORUM INSURANCE. She picks it up, as gingerly as the public relations bod for Ukip does his, when one of his anarchists has been asked to speak on immigration and women's rights.
The conversation goes: 'Odds bodkins! Posted what?? FFS! The 3rd time this week! No you can't claim and yes you will be receiving a disagreeable telegram about your premiums!' The phone is slammed down at the other end, whereas Tina doesn't do this. She hands her phone to a minion to slam down on her behalf. Just as Tina gets comfy, with a pint mug of Earl Grey and bemoans the lack of Jaffa cakes, the ruddy phone goes again and again, all afternoon.....
As there has been such an increase in claims on forum insurance and adjustment of premiums, the workload has increased exponentially. There are now opportunities available in handling claims for FORUM INSURANCE! No experience in the insurance industry is necessary and indeed preferred. In fact no experience of anything, apart from making tea and sourcing Jaffa cakes is preferred. Unless you are Ejay, then you can just come and hang out and brighten up the office. The hours are ideal (for a workaholic), holidays are the statutory maximum (of the People's Democratic Republic of Wallachia) and remuneration is 12 blackjacks and 8 fruit salads a week, payable to ME on a Friday.
Form an orderly queue...
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Picture the scene. It is a glorious sunny day in North Notts and the sun is shining on Titz Towers, as always. It is pissing it down over the neighbour who has the bonfires. Only on his head, nowhere else.
Tina is in the study, with her feet up, browsing the web for improving pictures of low moral value when the phone rings. Lo! It is the red claims phone for FORUM INSURANCE. She picks it up, as gingerly as the public relations bod for Ukip does his, when one of his anarchists has been asked to speak on immigration and women's rights.
The conversation goes: 'Odds bodkins! Posted what?? FFS! The 3rd time this week! No you can't claim and yes you will be receiving a disagreeable telegram about your premiums!' The phone is slammed down at the other end, whereas Tina doesn't do this. She hands her phone to a minion to slam down on her behalf. Just as Tina gets comfy, with a pint mug of Earl Grey and bemoans the lack of Jaffa cakes, the ruddy phone goes again and again, all afternoon.....
As there has been such an increase in claims on forum insurance and adjustment of premiums, the workload has increased exponentially. There are now opportunities available in handling claims for FORUM INSURANCE! No experience in the insurance industry is necessary and indeed preferred. In fact no experience of anything, apart from making tea and sourcing Jaffa cakes is preferred. Unless you are Ejay, then you can just come and hang out and brighten up the office. The hours are ideal (for a workaholic), holidays are the statutory maximum (of the People's Democratic Republic of Wallachia) and remuneration is 12 blackjacks and 8 fruit salads a week, payable to ME on a Friday.
Form an orderly queue...
"
Q
Do i get the job?
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I'll dig out my CV! I have the added bonus of insurance experience in the past , but Life Assurance so not sure that's any help !
I can make a good lemon drizzle, chocolate caramel shortbread and pineapple cheesecake though. Plus I make a mean milky coffee!  |
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By *igeiaWoman
over a year ago
Bristol |
Can I forego the blackjacks please? Someone else can gladly take my share. I am being mightily brave in admitting this but I don't actually like liquorice (runs for cover mumbling "please don't hate me, it's just my personal preference"). |
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By *icketysplitsWoman
over a year ago
Way over Yonder, that's where I'm bound |
Dear Madame Titz,
I have seen your advertisement for a claims handler and I would like to present my credentials and experience.
I am female and can read. I am also very good at keeping someone on the phone and making them think I am really listening to them by interjecting the occasional "uh huh" and "oh, really?" when I am in fact playing scrabble or doing my nails.
I have experience of handling claims but I have experienced handling kittens, puppies and chocolate, although not at the same time.
I am skilled in adjustments. This has extended to pulling my knickers from between my butt cheeks to changing positions when riding a man.
I am fair in my judgements and references can be obtained from those measured and judged on age and size who attended the Kent social at Eurekas last year.
I welcome your earliest consideration of my application in order that I may reject any offer of this position out of hand.
Yours sincerely,
Licketysplits (Ms) |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Oi, Ms Titz
I have a lifetimes experience in managing dirigibles and emergency repairs thereto. Also a specialist on Hot Air devices.
I'm judgmental, some say just mental, and can settle a "claim" within nanoseconds.
Do i get the job THIS time?
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I just left that profession. Shall i reduce the compensation by half for contributory negligence?
...everyone contributes to their own forum insurance necessities. So, ha!! Time for me to make some money again.
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"There are some over qualified peeps here
Lickety is right, the blackjacks and fruit salads are payable to me. I'll ponder you Canis. Do you have any allergies? "
Plenty. But none of them are medical. |
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By *igeiaWoman
over a year ago
Bristol |
"Can I just have the black jacks please? Not keen on fruit salad. X
Read the job ad again. YOU are paying HER in black jacks and fruit salads.
"
I am mortified and I am normally good at reading and that. I do however have a 'lovely phone voice' (well according to my mother) and can also pretend to be hold music if necessary. |
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By *icketysplitsWoman
over a year ago
Way over Yonder, that's where I'm bound |
"Can I just have the black jacks please? Not keen on fruit salad. X
Read the job ad again. YOU are paying HER in black jacks and fruit salads.
I am mortified and I am normally good at reading and that. I do however have a 'lovely phone voice' (well according to my mother) and can also pretend to be hold music if necessary."
I'm envious of the hold music-ability.
I give good phone.
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By *inaTitz OP TV/TS
over a year ago
Titz Towers, North Notts |
"Can I just have the black jacks please? Not keen on fruit salad. X
Read the job ad again. YOU are paying HER in black jacks and fruit salads.
I am mortified and I am normally good at reading and that. I do however have a 'lovely phone voice' (well according to my mother) and can also pretend to be hold music if necessary."
The hold music is sorted out. It's a really grating Scouse accent (other grating ones are available), saying your call is important to us, but not important enough to answer just yet. I'm finishing the paragraph of my book first. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Can I just have the black jacks please? Not keen on fruit salad. X
Read the job ad again. YOU are paying HER in black jacks and fruit salads.
I am mortified and I am normally good at reading and that. I do however have a 'lovely phone voice' (well according to my mother) and can also pretend to be hold music if necessary."
Tina, do you need any help interviewing all these suitable supplicants, erm, i mean applicants? |
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By *inaTitz OP TV/TS
over a year ago
Titz Towers, North Notts |
"There are some over qualified peeps here
Lickety is right, the blackjacks and fruit salads are payable to me. I'll ponder you Canis. Do you have any allergies?
Plenty. But none of them are medical. "
Now that sounds promising. Can you make Earl Grey? |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"There are some over qualified peeps here
Lickety is right, the blackjacks and fruit salads are payable to me. I'll ponder you Canis. Do you have any allergies?
Plenty. But none of them are medical.
Now that sounds promising. Can you make Earl Grey? "
Dunno, i've never met Earl.
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Do we get any commission?
Is there a re-settlement allowance.
and can I have every 2nd Thursday, 3rd Monday and alternate Fridays off and 3 hour lunch breaks.
Do we get to play with your Lego toys 
Yours sincerely
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By *inaTitz OP TV/TS
over a year ago
Titz Towers, North Notts |
"There are some over qualified peeps here
Lickety is right, the blackjacks and fruit salads are payable to me. I'll ponder you Canis. Do you have any allergies?
Plenty. But none of them are medical.
Now that sounds promising. Can you make Earl Grey?
Dunno, i've never met Earl.
"
Do you have the ability to lose vital (to someone else) paperwork? |
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By *inaTitz OP TV/TS
over a year ago
Titz Towers, North Notts |
"Do we get any commission?
Is there a re-settlement allowance.
and can I have every 2nd Thursday, 3rd Monday and alternate Fridays off and 3 hour lunch breaks.
Do we get to play with your Lego toys
Yours sincerely
"
Yes, lego is available to play with, but no, I get the commission and in order to save messing, I also take your days off. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"There are some over qualified peeps here
Lickety is right, the blackjacks and fruit salads are payable to me. I'll ponder you Canis. Do you have any allergies?
Plenty. But none of them are medical.
Now that sounds promising. Can you make Earl Grey?
Dunno, i've never met Earl.
Do you have the ability to lose vital (to someone else) paperwork? "
In bundles. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I can make Earl Grey Lady Grey and my little old mum white. Have experience of insurance (men) and have a sexy secretary look to die for (boosting life insurance sales) |
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I would like to apply for a post in your call centre on behalf of my alter ego the Bitch Librarian.
Unfortunately many local libraries are having to close so her patented backwards hiss and audible hard stare are going to be made redundant. She doesn't suffer fools and can and will apply any rules (no matter how restrictive, arbitrary or harsh) in a no nonsense 'dare you to argue' manner and with additional pithy personal insults thrown in for free.
She will work (occasionally) in return for a comfy chair and unlimited WiFi.
Unfortunately she doesn't approve of fruit salads and black jacks because they make the pages stick together. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Can I just have the black jacks please? Not keen on fruit salad. X
Read the job ad again. YOU are paying HER in black jacks and fruit salads.
"
Ooopps got a tad carried away at the thought. Ok. I will share mine. X |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"There are some over qualified peeps here
Lickety is right, the blackjacks and fruit salads are payable to me. I'll ponder you Canis. Do you have any allergies? "
Have amended my application. X |
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By *icketysplitsWoman
over a year ago
Way over Yonder, that's where I'm bound |
"I'm amazed how many people want to pay me black jacks and fruit salads to join me in Titz Towers to mess up people's FORUM INSURANCE claims and randomly hike premiums "
I'm miffed you didn't even send me a copy and paste rejection letter.
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Gimmie the job or I'll get 2wheels to photo bomb ALL your photos FOREVER AND EVER
crystal
But it's such a good photo bomb! That's no threat, surely?"
I'll send him out when he's fresh out of bed BEFORE the quiff has been put in place!
crystal |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Gimmie the job or I'll get 2wheels to photo bomb ALL your photos FOREVER AND EVER
crystal
But it's such a good photo bomb! That's no threat, surely?
I'll send him out when he's fresh out of bed BEFORE the quiff has been put in place!
crystal"
Ahh that old Charles hasasnore song...A quiff is just a quiff so just remember this
Guess who  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"can i just wander around naked - help out if i can - im no bother
Forget the riot, I predict that you are about to be inundated with job offers  "
see what the boss says |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Can I forego the blackjacks please? Someone else can gladly take my share. I am being mightily brave in admitting this but I don't actually like liquorice (runs for cover mumbling "please don't hate me, it's just my personal preference")."
Phew, I'm not the only one, I don't like liquorice either  |
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Never one for being a minion I can certainly contribute some time and effort to swan about at Titz towers. As I need gallons of tea too, I can supply others. Absolutely no insurance or financial industry experience, but have experience at being absolutely firm, resisting the advances of A listers, fab users et al, whilst indulging myself in the manner that I am accustomed to. My slut tones purred down the phone line, whilst callers are in the queue will get them softened up and ready for a good telling off. Public floggings will occur at selected city venues for claimants who prove either stupid, quarrelsome or in denial about their forum errors. Strap ons will also be provided for a rough taking of said miscreants, paid for by increases to excesses as well as the dumb twat premium surcharge to be imposed. I can lighten any dark corner but will need the assistance of a muscled fella, Shag Tonight or other, to keep me amused. Able to manage calls remotely, whilst being shagged in laybys in Notts, as I think the locals are prone to do. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I would like you to consider us for the position (other positions are available)Nette looks very smart in her Secretary attire and is sure to attract new customers while i am very experienced in talking total bollox frequently ending with the recipient/Claimee losing the will to live and sitting in the corner gently sobbing
Confucius Gimp |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Dear Miss Titz
I have read the job ad you posted and the mostly woefully poor applications you have thus far received, I have no experience in insurance at all, am constantly putting my foot in it and can talk the hind leg off a donkey, thus making your customers lose the will to live and give up the claim.
Being a lady of dubious intent I feel you may be open to the idea of branch expansion as well as increased staffing.
You are I feel under represented in the lovely wales and a holiday retreat extension to titz towers is long overdue.
Therefore I propose that you give me the job after rigerous interviews consisting of copious tea making, jaffa cake buying and unwrapping of black jacks of course and I will run your Wales branch for your good self.
I don't like black jacks so all payment of said sweets to you that arrive at your wales office will be duly forwarded to head office |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I'm resubmitting my CV under disability legislation. Ha ha, priority interview. lol.
Dear Madam.
Don't let my Dyslexia put you off but i have extensive experience with sea food handling. Not keen on crabs though.
Can start Tuesday. |
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