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Favourite Daft Jokes

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

What are your fave silliest jokes???

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Knock knock

who's there?

Phyllis

Phyllis who?

Fill us a glass of water, please

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

What's brown and sticky?

A stick!

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Jeremy Beadle had a small cock.........

But on the other hand it was quite big

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

I visited a zoo but the only animal was a dog!

It was a shitzu

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By *nigmatic1Woman over a year ago

A seaside town near you!

Whats the useless bit of fatty tissue on the end of a penis called?

...a man

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

What do you call a fly without any wings?

A walk

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By *nigmatic1Woman over a year ago

A seaside town near you!

What do you call a spider with no legs?

A currant

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

What do you call a Frenchman in sandles?

Phillip Flop

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

what martial art does a vegetarian Ninja practice??

Tofu

I'll get my coat

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

What does Snoop Dogg say when it rains?

Fo' Drizzle

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

How many conceptual artists does it take to change a light bulb?

Cauliflower

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"How many conceptual artists does it take to change a light bulb?

Cauliflower"

Lol

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By *odareyouMan over a year ago

not far from iceland,,,,,, tescos is nearer though :-) (near leeds)

I had a phobia of raw meat....

I'm cured now.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Man went into a pet shop to buy a parrot, he asked the keeper how much they were, the shop keeper pointed to row and said "those ones are £200" then pointed to the row above and said "those ones are £250" the man looked at both rows and said "but they are the same, why are those ones £200 and the ones above £250" the shop keeps looked at him and said "because those ones are on higher purchase"

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"How many conceptual artists does it take to change a light bulb?

Cauliflower

Lol

"
*doffs cap*

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

The Jeremy Beadle joke is my favourite joke ever. Damn near wet myself when I heard it

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Did you hear about the dyslexic Devil worshipper?

He sold his soul to Santa

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"Did you hear about the dyslexic Devil worshipper?

He sold his soul to Santa"

before he was a devil worshiper he was a pimp, but he lost a fortune when he bought a warehouse

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Two dyslexics walking down the street. One turns to the other and says

"Can you smell gas?

Then other replies

"Smell gas? I can't even smell my name"

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"Did you hear about the dyslexic Devil worshipper?

He sold his soul to Santa

before he was a devil worshiper he was a pimp, but he lost a fortune when he bought a warehouse "

Hahaha

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

What about the Irish lamp post?

It pissed on a dog!

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

A man bought a blow up doll, got it home, blew it up and it went down, tried again and it went down. Took it back the shop and said "this blow uo doll keeps going down on me" the shop owner said "oh thats the deluxe version, you owe me an extra fiver "

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Favourite surreal joke

Whats the difference between a duck?

One of its legs is both the same

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?

Because it was dead.

Why did the second monkey fall?

It was tied to the first one.

Why did the third monkey fall?

He thought it was a game and wanted to join in.

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By *inky karen 2Woman over a year ago

East sussex

Why don't you go out with a stupid dwarf

It's not big and not clever

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By *arkman69Man over a year ago

Erdington

What's green, has four legs and would kill you if it fell out of a tree and landed on you???

A pool table!

Heard the kid say this on Two and a half men and it cracked me up!

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Whats green and hard?

A frog with tattoos

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Whats tartan and got 6 pockets?

Rupert the billiard table.

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By *o-jCouple over a year ago

Outskirts of Notts

Got offer a job today working for the brittle bone society ;

£1500 a week for just canvassing on the streets.....

I snapped his hand off .

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

What's red and invisible?

No tomatoes

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By *xpresMan over a year ago

Elland

My nieces fave at the min is...

Why do cows have Bells??

Because the horns don't wor

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By *ranny-CrumpetWoman over a year ago

The Town by The Cross

Knock Knock Who's there ! Granny, knock, knock! Who's there ! Granny, knock, knock! Knock Knock Who's there ! Granny, knock, knock! Who's there ! Granny, knock, knock! Aunt ! Aunt who ? Aunt you glad Granny's gone

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

and why do elephants have big ears?

because Noddy refuses to pay the ransom

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Two monkeys in the bath one goes

" oo oo ahh ah" the other one goes " put some cold in then"

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Why did the hedge hog cross the road?

To see his flat mate...

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"Why did the hedge hog cross the road?

To see his flat mate..."

Why did the hedgehog cross the road?

To show his mate he had guts.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Scientists have come to the conclusion that lager contains female hormones.

After giving 12 men 8 pints of lager each - they all talked bollocks and none of them could drive.

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By *ENGUYMan over a year ago

Hull

Guy goes into a shop and asks "Do you sell Helicopter flavoured crisps?"

Shop assistant says, "No, we only sell plane ones!"

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Whats green and red and lays in the gutter?

Wounded bogey

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Why did the monkey fall off the tree???

Because it's dead

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Man goes into a pet and ask to buy a wasp. The sales assistant says sorry we don't sell wasps. The replies that's strange you've got 2 in the window

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

What did one snowman say to the other?

Can you smell carrots?

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

What lies on it's back 100 feet in the air?

A dead centipede

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By *3rial Thr1LL3rMan over a year ago

scotland

Went round to this girls house for dinner last week. Arrived just as she was cooking. Asked me if I could give her a hand and turn the veg on while she went and got changed.....turns out me fingering her disabled sister wasn't what she meant

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By *ibbyhunterCouple over a year ago

keighley

what do you call a donkey with three legs? .......... a wonky

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By *abyfacenelsonMan over a year ago

liverpool

What do you call a sheep with no legs ?

A cloud

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By *amslam1000Man over a year ago

willenhall

"Did you hear about the dyslexic Devil worshipper?

He sold his soul to Santa

before he was a devil worshiper he was a pimp, but he lost a fortune when he bought a warehouse

Hahaha"

before he was a devil worshiper he was an Aetheist he did not believe in Dog

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By *enithWoman over a year ago

closer than you think

A leper failed his driving test ............

....... Left his foot on the clutch

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"Went round to this girls house for dinner last week. Arrived just as she was cooking. Asked me if I could give her a hand and turn the veg on while she went and got changed.....turns out me fingering her disabled sister wasn't what she meant

I don't get it.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

I don't get it. "
think yourself lucky

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By *lanwoodMan over a year ago

Alton

A man went into a pet shop and asked "Do you sell flies?". The shopkeeper said "No, we don't.". The man said "Well, you've got one in the window."

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By *hris148Man over a year ago

"What's green, has four legs and would kill you if it fell out of a tree and landed on you???

A pool table!

Heard the kid say this on Two and a half men and it cracked me up!"

A hint of Tommy Cooper in that joke?

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By *hris148Man over a year ago

"Scientists have come to the conclusion that lager contains female hormones.

After giving 12 men 8 pints of lager each - they all talked bollocks and none of them could drive."

That's my favourite. Can't wait to tell the Mrs....

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By *lanwoodMan over a year ago

Alton

Why do squirrels swim on their backs? To keep their nuts dry.

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By *rnmrsgCouple over a year ago

coalville

What did the buffalo say to his son when he left for university

by son

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

What's the similarity between Hollywood and the desert?

Well, in the desert you can lie on the sand and look at the stars, and vice versa.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Heard the one about the angry gay cowboy? He rode into town and shot up the sheriff.

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By *hitevanman812Man over a year ago

Carlisle

I shocked the postman by going to the front door naked, don't know what shocked him more, me being naked or that I knew where he lived !!

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

What's two inches long and goes in one direction?.... Louis Walsh's knob!

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Your mum.

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By *TUDLY_GOOD_FUCKMan over a year ago

mansfield

A woman with two left feet walks into a shoe shop and asks the assistant......

Do you have any Flip Flips.

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By *TUDLY_GOOD_FUCKMan over a year ago

mansfield

Two ducks on a pond, and one goes QUACK!

The other duck says... You fucker I wanted to say that!

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By *TUDLY_GOOD_FUCKMan over a year ago

mansfield

What's the difference between a one eyed archer and a constipated owl?......

Well the one eyed archer shoots but can't hit

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By *uby0000Woman over a year ago

hertfordshire

what does an elephant use as a tampon?

sheep

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By *TUDLY_GOOD_FUCKMan over a year ago

mansfield

Why do elephants paint their toe nails red?...

So they can hide in cheer trees

How do you know when you have an elephant in bed with you?.... It's got the letter E on it's pyjamas

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By *ngieandMrManCouple over a year ago

hereford

What do you call an Aardvark that's been beaten up?

A Vark

Do you remember the joke about the boomerang? No? Don't worry, it'll come back to you

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

What doe gay horses eat ??

Haaaaayyyy ( in a camp voice )

What do gay Daleks say ??

Exfoliate , exfoliate !!!

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

What's the most intellegent snake?...

The Adder

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By *utzzCouple over a year ago

wrexham

What's invisible and smells like carrots?

Rabbit farts.

What goes ooooooo?

A cow with no lips

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Whats Black and White and Brown and moans?

A nun with a monk on.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

How do you know when a pepper's being nosy?

Because it gets jalapeño business.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

I was in my boat one day. A load of meat floated past.

It was a bit choppy.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

I went to the butchers, he pointed to the top shelf and said" I bet you can't tell me how much that beef is "

I said " I'm not playing, the steaks are too high"

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Did you hear of the insomniac, dyslexic agnostic who lay awake at nights wondering if there was a Dog.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the splits. He said, "How flexible are you?" I said, "I can't make Tuesdays."

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

What do you call a man with a car number plate on his head?

Reg.

What do his brothers call him?

R Reg.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his name, it's P something T something R.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Here, Martha, i need help with this crossword clue, 6 Across : Overburdened postman.

Martha : How many letters?

Thousands!

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By *oomar1Man over a year ago

Stalybridge

Went to the doctors the other day with a cowboy hat on and a carrying a saddle for my horse

I said doctor I feel like a cowboy

He replied how long have you been feeling like this

I replied about a

Yeeeeeeaaahhh haaaaa

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

A horse walks into a bar , the barman says why the long face !

Thats got to win !!!

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Why does Edward Woodward have "D"s in his name?

Because otherwise, he'd be called, Ewar Woowar.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

I woke up to a tap on the door. Funny sense of humour my plummer has.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

What do you call a fish with no eyes .....

Fsh.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

A sex therapist, set aside a day for gentlmen suffering the symptoms of nerves and anxiety, to attend a drop in day at his clinic,

But nobody could come.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

What do you call a pig with 7 eyes .......

Piiiiiiig

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Why do moths fly with their legs open ??

You seen the size of mothballs !!

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Whats the difference between a woman and a washing machine ??

Nothing they both leak when they are fucked

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

A man walks into a bar....and says ouch.

Two men walk into a shop...you'd think one of them would have seen it!

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By *ce WingerMan over a year ago

P.O. Box DE1 0NQ

So I've decided to sell my vacuum cleaner, it's only gathering dust.

A ghost walks walks into a bar and orders a double Scotch, the barman replies "Sorry, we don't serve spirits"

I was born by cesarean section. You would never tell, except that every time I leave a room, I go out through the window.

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By *unloversCouple over a year ago

rotherham

How do elephants make love?

They take their trunks off

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

What's the definition of trust...

Two Cannibals having oral sex

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Ever noticed if you say Jesus backwards it sounds like sausage?

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By *eliciousladyWoman over a year ago

Sometimes U.K

"I visited a zoo but the only animal was a dog!

It was a shitzu

Funny! Had to read it twice though

What do ghosts eat for dinner?

Spookgetti

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By *3rial Thr1LL3rMan over a year ago

scotland

Young lad walks into a bar and orders six Jaegermeister. "Celebrating something"? The barman asks.

"Well, my first blow job actually" the lad replies. "Well in that case have another one on me fella" the barman says.

"Thanks very much, but if six doesn't get rid of the taste......."

Dave walks into his local on Sunday night and orders a pint. Barman asks him if everything is ok as he hasn't been in all weekend, which is unusual. "Well, the funniest thing happened on my way home from work on Friday. Was walking along the train tracks when I saw a young woman tied to the tracks. Thought fuck me, better get her off of there before a train comes so I untied her, took her back to mine and cleaned her up then ended up making love to her all weekend in every position imaginable" he tells the barman.

"Fuck me Dave you lucky bastard, was she fit"? The batman asks.

"Dunno mate, I never found her head"

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By *TUDLY_GOOD_FUCKMan over a year ago

mansfield

Do gay ghosts put the willies up each other?

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By *TUDLY_GOOD_FUCKMan over a year ago

mansfield

When you drop toast on the floor it always lands butter side down.

If you drop a cat it always lands on it's feet.

So it got me wondering... What if you buttered a cats back

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By *TUDLY_GOOD_FUCKMan over a year ago

mansfield

Doctor I keep thinking I'm a pig.

How long have you felt like this?

Oh about a Wheeeek

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Why do firemen have bigger balls than policemen?

Coz they sell more tickets. X

What do you call a Russian with 3 balls?

Whoja nickeknackeroff

What do you call a Russian with 1 ball?

Ivor bollockoff

What did the fish say when he banged his head?

Dam.

My contribution. Hope you like? Xx

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Oh. 1 more

Did you hear about the gay gardener?

Found sleeping with peat up his arse. Xx

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

[Removed by poster at 20/08/14 01:26:50]

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

There was a man who lived in a gold house. Everything was made of gold. The doors were gold, the floors were gold, the walls were gold, everything was gold. One evening the man walked up his gold stairs, across his gold landing, in through his gold door, sat on his gold bed, took off his gold slippers, got under his gold covers and went to sleep. Then there was a knock at the door. So the man got out from under his gold covers, put on his gold slippers, got off his gold bed, opened his gold door, walked across his gold landing, walked down his gold stairs, walked across his gold hallway, opened his gold front door and saw a man. The man asked very politely if he had a room for the night as his car had broken down and he couldn't get into town until the next morning. The man happily obliged and closed his gold front door, walked across his gold hallway, up his gold stairs, across the gold landing, in through his gold door, sat on his gold bed, took off his gold slippers, got under his gold covers and went to sleep. Then there was another knock at the door. So the man got out from under his gold covers, put on his gold slippers, got off his gold bed, opened his gold door, walked across his gold landing, walked down his gold stairs, walked across his gold hallway, opened his gold front door and saw another man. The man asked politely if he had a room for the night as he was lost and it was too dark for him to find his way into town. The man happily obliged and closed his gold front door, walked across his gold hallway, up his gold stairs, across the gold landing, in through his gold door, sat on his gold bed, took off his gold slippers, got under his gold covers and went to sleep. Then there was another knock at the door. So the man got out from under his gold covers, put on his gold slippers, got off his gold bed, opened his gold door, walked across his gold landing, walked down his gold stairs, walked across his gold hallway, opened his gold front door and saw yet another man. The man asked very politely if he could stay the night as his bike had a flat tyre. The man happily obliged and closed his gold front door, walked across his gold hallway, up his gold stairs, across the gold landing, in through his gold door, sat on his gold bed, took off his gold slippers, got under his gold covers and went to sleep. In the morning the man got out from under his gold covers, put on his gold slippers, got off his gold bed, opened his gold door, walked across his gold landing, walked down his gold stairs, walked across his gold hallway, and walked into his kitchen for breakfast. Shortly the other men left their gold rooms, walked across the gold landing, down the gold stairs, across the gold hallway and into the gold kitchen. They all sat at the gold breakfast bar on gold stools and the owner of the house asked them what they wanted for breakfast. The first man said "I'll have cornflakes, please." The second man said "I'll have toast, please" and the third man said "I'll have cornflakes, please." It just goes to show that two out of three people prefer cornflakes.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"There was a man who lived in a gold house. Everything was made of gold. The doors were gold, the floors were gold, the walls were gold, everything was gold. One evening the man walked up his gold stairs, across his gold landing, in through his gold door, sat on his gold bed, took off his gold slippers, got under his gold covers and went to sleep. Then there was a knock at the door. So the man got out from under his gold covers, put on his gold slippers, got off his gold bed, opened his gold door, walked across his gold landing, walked down his gold stairs, walked across his gold hallway, opened his gold front door and saw a man. The man asked very politely if he had a room for the night as his car had broken down and he couldn't get into town until the next morning. The man happily obliged and closed his gold front door, walked across his gold hallway, up his gold stairs, across the gold landing, in through his gold door, sat on his gold bed, took off his gold slippers, got under his gold covers and went to sleep. Then there was another knock at the door. So the man got out from under his gold covers, put on his gold slippers, got off his gold bed, opened his gold door, walked across his gold landing, walked down his gold stairs, walked across his gold hallway, opened his gold front door and saw another man. The man asked politely if he had a room for the night as he was lost and it was too dark for him to find his way into town. The man happily obliged and closed his gold front door, walked across his gold hallway, up his gold stairs, across the gold landing, in through his gold door, sat on his gold bed, took off his gold slippers, got under his gold covers and went to sleep. Then there was another knock at the door. So the man got out from under his gold covers, put on his gold slippers, got off his gold bed, opened his gold door, walked across his gold landing, walked down his gold stairs, walked across his gold hallway, opened his gold front door and saw yet another man. The man asked very politely if he could stay the night as his bike had a flat tyre. The man happily obliged and closed his gold front door, walked across his gold hallway, up his gold stairs, across the gold landing, in through his gold door, sat on his gold bed, took off his gold slippers, got under his gold covers and went to sleep. In the morning the man got out from under his gold covers, put on his gold slippers, got off his gold bed, opened his gold door, walked across his gold landing, walked down his gold stairs, walked across his gold hallway, and walked into his kitchen for breakfast. Shortly the other men left their gold rooms, walked across the gold landing, down the gold stairs, across the gold hallway and into the gold kitchen. They all sat at the gold breakfast bar on gold stools and the owner of the house asked them what they wanted for breakfast. The first man said "I'll have cornflakes, please." The second man said "I'll have toast, please" and the third man said "I'll have cornflakes, please." It just goes to show that two out of three people prefer cornflakes."

Lol wasnt expecting that ending

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Lol wasnt expecting that ending "

Good xD Thanks for reading it though lmao

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By *andS33Couple over a year ago

Yorkshire

How do you make the swiss roll?

Push him down the alps!

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Went to a weight watchers meeting other night silly me dropped a big bag of malteasers on the floor it was the best game of hungry hippos ive seen though

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Why did the toilet roll fall down the cliff?

To get to the bottom!

You know who really gives kids a bad name? Posh and Becks...

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By *ust_for_laughsCouple over a year ago

Hinckley

Two parrots sitting on a perch. One parrot says to the other "Can you smell fish?"

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By *abka31Man over a year ago

london

Some greats jokes in here and have been giggling away to myself at work, so here is my contribution.

Two goldfish in a tank , one says to the other 'how do you drive this thing'

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Whats the best thing bout fucking a tranny?

if you reach round it feels like you've pushed it all the way through.

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By *uicylucy76Woman over a year ago

thornton cleveleys

What did one constipated cat say to another?.... Have a break, have a shit cat.

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By *iamondsmiles.Woman over a year ago

little house on the praire

What do you call a sleeping cow.....a bulldozer

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By *orthLincsIronCouple over a year ago

Scunthorpe

Why didn't Rex bark?

Because he's a goat.........

I'll get my coat

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By *orthLincsIronCouple over a year ago

Scunthorpe

A rapist, a paedophile and a priest walk into a bar, he orders a drink

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By *od6Woman over a year ago

redcar

What do you call a man with a spade on his head???

Doug

What do you call a man without a spade on his head?

Douglas

What do you call a man with a hundred rabbits up his bum?

Warren

Badabooom!!!

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

[Removed by poster at 20/08/14 17:11:31]

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By *dsindyTV/TS over a year ago

East Lancashire

Two lepers playing cards.....

One threw his hand in, the other laughed his head off....

Taxi please.

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By *dsindyTV/TS over a year ago

East Lancashire

What do you call a Russian who steals boxes of soft drinks?

Nicka Cratapopoff.

Another taxi please.

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By *dsindyTV/TS over a year ago

East Lancashire

Shhhhhh, this is a joke about butter, so don't spread it.

Third taxi por favour.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

How did Darth Vader know what Luke was getting for Christmas? ...

He had felt his presents..

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

What's the difference between erotic and kinky?

Erotic = using a feather

Kinky = using the whole chicken

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Why are men like cars?

Because they always pull out before they check to see if anyone else is cumming.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

[Removed by poster at 20/08/14 18:26:41]

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

What do you call a lesbian dinosaur

A lickalotolips

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Q. Why don't guys like to preform oral sex on a woman the morning after sex?

A. Have you ever tried pulling apart a grilled cheese sandwich?

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By *ngieandMrManCouple over a year ago

hereford

Did you hear about the guy who got killed when a train run over his finger?

He was picking his nose at the time.

Paddy gets his ear chopped off in an accident at work...

"Hey Paddy, I've found your ear"

"No that's not mine, mine had a pencil behind it".

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By *dsindyTV/TS over a year ago

East Lancashire

Why do women have legs??????

Have you seen the trail a slug leaves!!!!!

Oh, I am so going to be shot for that.

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By *dsindyTV/TS over a year ago

East Lancashire

Paddy gets knocked down, so he calls to his mate..."Mick, call me an ambulance"

Mick replies..."Paddy, you're an ambulance"

And now I will depart.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"Whats the best thing bout fucking a tranny?

if you reach round it feels like you've pushed it all the way through.

I'll have to remember that.. almost as funny as the Gay Horse joke

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

How many Alzheimer's patients does it take to change a lightbulb?

To get to the other side.

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By *ihimbiherCouple over a year ago

lightwater

Wot do you call a rabbit with a bent dick?

Fucks funny!

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By *ihimbiherCouple over a year ago

lightwater

Wot do you call a russion hooker?????

Layonyourbackyoubitch

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By *ihimbiherCouple over a year ago

lightwater

A russion with 3testicles???

Whodidyounicabollockoff

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By *ihimbiherCouple over a year ago

lightwater

Im here all week

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By *ihimbiherCouple over a year ago

lightwater

Sold by hoover today on ebay.

Well ,it was just collecting dust!

(Tim vine)

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

The one's on the back of penguin biscuits

...what do penguin's have on there birthday...? Fish cakes

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By *reampie Cleaner 69Man over a year ago

Barnsley

Man walks into a pub..................................... .......................................breaks his nose!!!

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Paddy gets his ear chopped off in an accident at work...

"Hey Paddy, I've found your ear"

"What?"

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Why do bees hmmmmm.

They've forgotten the words.

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By *abka31Man over a year ago

london

Shagged my best mates wife behind his back the other day, and feel awful..

She must have had the flu or somethng.

And i exit left

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By *dsindyTV/TS over a year ago

East Lancashire

A man and his dog are shipwrecked on a desert island. After a few months, the man starts to feel horny and eyes up the dog. The dog, naturally, thinks "sod you mate, no way".

Later that day, a barrel washes up on the shore. Great, thinks the man, it's got a hole in the top. So he shags the barrel and leaves a load in it. That night, the dog does the same.

This goes on every day and night. One day, the man notices that the barrel is almost full. He brings up the hole with a bit of cork and throws it back into the sea, and then starts eyeing up the dog.

Weeks later, some nuns find a barrel on the shore outside their convent. Opening it, they discover it full of wax. Being poor, they turn the wax into candles.

2 months later, Sister Margaret goes to see the Mother Superior. "Mother",she says, "I am ashamed. Each night I have had sinful urges and, being only human, I have satisfied these urges with the only thing I could use....my candle. But a miracle has occurred....I am with child like our good lady Mary".

The Mother Superior replies, "you think that's a miracle? I am going to have puppies".

Ohhhh, they get worse.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

What goes 99 bonk.....a centipede with a wooden leg.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Two flies playing football in a saucer. One fly says to the other, "We had better improve our game because next week we are playing in the cup!"

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

I have spent all my life teaching dwarfs arithmetic. My parents always told me to make the little things count.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

I don't get it. "

u dont want to get it its horrible.....

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

I went into the butchers the other day fancying some steak for dinner. As I walked in I noticed a sign "No bags, bring your own!"

Not wishing to go back and get one I was about to go to the newsagent next door when I spotted a pig skin used for sausage making on the side. Stealthily I grabbed it. Then cheekily I lifted it up and called to the butcher in my scouse twang with a grin.

"a pound o' fillet"

The butcher looks over grins and replies

"A pound you don't!"

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Paddy gets up one day for work and finds a flask on the table

Mary he shouts (in best Irish accent

) what's this on the table?

oh paddy its a thermos flask, its a new invention, it keeps hot things hot and cold things cold

oh sweet Jesus that's great says paddy I'll show the lads at work that

and off he goes to work, sat on his break murphy spots paddys flask and asks

hey paddy what you got there?

its a thermos flask explains paddy it a new invention, it keeps hot things and hot and cold things cold

oh be Jesus says murphy will you get a load of that

he turns round and shouts hey jerry, jerry come see what paddys got, its a new invention its a thermos flask keeps hot things hot and cold things cold

well that's bloody amazing says jerry, what you got in there then paddy?

two cups of coffee and an ice cream

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"Went to a weight watchers meeting other night silly me dropped a big bag of malteasers on the floor it was the best game of hungry hippos ive seen though"

ive just got in to trouble at work for reading this aaaahahaha i was laughing so hard and so loud my boss told me to calm down in a blunt manner hes not happy with me at all as i carried on laughing loooouuuud....... felt like i was back at school hahaha thank you...... still giggling

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

have you heard about the gay irish couple.

Micheal Fitzpatrick & Patrick Fitzmicheal.

What do you call a man with a spade on his head.

Doug.

What do you call a man withva seagull on his head.

Cliff.

Bill & Ben having a bath together. Bill goes flobalobalobalob, Ben says if that stinks your dead.

This still makes me smile.

Ken Dodds two scouse Diddy men, Diddy he pay & Diddy fuck.

Doctor I feel like a pair of curtains, pull yourself together then.

I will stop there I think.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Or the gay Scottish couple

Ben Doun and Phil McCavity

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By *ndy8goldMan over a year ago

blackburn

My last girlfriend had eczema. Wasn't all bad tho.

Crackin tits

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

How do you keep an idiot entertained for hours.

Give him a piece of paper with P.T.O on both sides.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

What's green and smells of bacon?

.Kermits middle finger.X

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Fella goes into the dogs home."have you got a blind dog for my mother in law"

"Dont you mean a guide dog sir?"

No a blind dog,if he sees her he,ll go for her throat

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By *ust RachelTV/TS over a year ago

Horsham

This is a long one.

One day a radio station in Sydney Australia set up a call in competition, all you had to do was answer three questions. The prize was an all expenses paid holiday to the Caribbean.

Dave calls up and gets picked, the DJ goes through the rules and then reminds Dave that he needs to answer the three questions, Dave agrees.

Questions 1, When did you last have sex.

After brief pause Dave gives in and says 'This morning', Whoa congratulations you lucky devil chirps in the DJ.

Question 2, How long did it last ?

Another longer pause, 10 minutes comes the reply, 'oooh at least you are honest say the DJ.

Question 3, Where did you have sex?

after a gulp comes a very quiet in the kitchen. Wow, what a guy you are Dave, the DJ says.

Okay now we will ring up your partner to confirm the results. The DJ gets Dave's partner Alice on the phone and explains that Dave has rung into the show and answered 3 questions, all she has to do is confirm the answers and they have won a holiday to the Caribbean.

Alice agrees to answer the questions.

Question 1, when did you last have sex?

Alice what, I can't answer that my family are listening.

DJ come on Dave has given an answer what is yours.

Alice, This morning!

DJ, that is what Dave said, two more to answer correctly and you are away.

Question 2, How long did it last?

Alice 15 minutes, ok he said 10 but you love and are making him sound better than he is.

DJ Question 3, where did you have sex?

Alice, I cant answer that my parents were in the house at the time, and they could be listening.

DJ come on Alice, Dave has already give us the answer you just need to give the same and you are away on holiday.

Alice, do I really have to say?

DJ yes you do.

Alice, Ok in the ass!

needles to say they got the holiday.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

A man goes to see the doctor complaining he has an orange cock. The doctor asks him to flop it out so he can have a look to see what the trouble is. The man duly gets his cock out for the doctor and, sure enough, it's bright orange.

The doctor is amazed by this and tells the man he has never seen anything like it before and asks him when he last had had sex?

"Never," says the man, "I'm a virgin and live on my own".

"Does anyone else in your family have this affliction?" asks the doc.

"Not that I'm aware of" replies the man.

"Do you work with any strong chemicals?" queries the doctor.

"No, I'm unemployed" states the man.

"Really," says the doctor, "what do you do all day, then?"

The man replies, "I sit at home watching porn films eating wotsits."

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

The man replies, "I sit at home watching porn films eating wotsits."

didn't that actually happen though, I'm sure I saw a newspaper article inone of the more trashier tablets

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By *vsnikkiTV/TS over a year ago

Limavady

There used to be an egg marketing board whose slogan was "Go to work on an egg"

Our hero rings the egg marketing board as its now 8.30am and he can't get his egg to start.

EMB: "Have you pulled the yoke out?"

Our hero goes outside, tries it and rings back

HERO: "it's all white now"

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By *amslam1000Man over a year ago

willenhall

Or the gay Scottish couple

Ben Doun and Phil McCavity"

and the Irish Gay couple Patrick fitzmichael and Michael fitzpatrick

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By *dsindyTV/TS over a year ago

East Lancashire

A horse is wandering around its paddock, swearing all the time. "Fucking farmer", "Daft twat", "Stupid bastard, keeping me locked up in this field".

The farmers two sheep dogs look at each other and the first says to the second, "look at that, a talking horse"

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By *dsindyTV/TS over a year ago

East Lancashire

I would tell you that joke about the wall, but you would never get over it.

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By *dsindyTV/TS over a year ago

East Lancashire

My friend told me a joke about a broken pencil. I would repeat it but it's pointless.

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By *vsnikkiTV/TS over a year ago

Limavady

What's brown and sticky?

A stick

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"How many Alzheimer's patients does it take to change a lightbulb?

To get to the other side."

That actually made me laugh out loud.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

I'll never forget my dad's last words. . .

. . . "FUCK ME A BUS"

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

How do you get a fat girl into bed?

Piece o' cake

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

English man, Scottish man and an irish man, they are at the top of a very big slide. At there side of the slide there is a sign' what ever you shout out on the way down, there will be a huge vat of it at the bottom.

English man goes down 'Beer', he finds himself in a large vat of beer.

Scottish man goes down 'Whisky', he finds himself in a large vat of whisky.

Irish man goes down 'wheeeeee'.

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

Bloody crackin thread keep it going

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By *uby0000Woman over a year ago

hertfordshire

tim vine is growing on me lol

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Why are pirates called pirates??

Because they aaarrrrrggggghhhh

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

scientists discovered that most women will at some point in their lives contain intelligent DNA.... unfortunately 95% of them will spit it out!

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Made you look.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

What's green and hangs from trees ?

Leaves

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

lol here is mine:

isis equity parties has chnaged their name cos they dont wanna be asociated with such evil lol

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Made

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

You

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Look

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