FabSwingers.com > Forums > The Lounge > Telling your partner they're getting too large

Telling your partner they're getting too large

By *aravancouple OP Man over a year ago

A Secret Hideaway In the caravan of love

Interesting story:

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/ar...e-married.html

In short.. woman lost weight after being told by her partner she was putting on too much and he wasn't as attracted to her anymore.

My first thought was this was all wrong.. she's lost weight for the wrong reason and he was wrong to say that to her.

But on reflection I actually think it may have been a good thing. She mentions she was out of breath a lot and is clearly a lot happier now she has dropped the weight. She says the comment hurt her at first but perhaps it was the trigger she needed to change. She wasn't large when they met. So was he wrong to tell her he wasn't as attracted to her as he used to be?

Perhaps honesty was the best policy here?

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By *inaTitzTV/TS over a year ago

Titz Towers, North Notts

or not to fist them anymore

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

i say good on him personally.. he was honest and proved good communication. If he was unhappy with something at least he spoke out, rather than go looking elsewhere at new eyecandy

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Depends how he told her I suppose. If it was in a nice 'I'm worried about your health' way then that's fine but if it was anything like my ex who just looked at me and said 'Fuck you're fat' then NO!

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

it goes both ways,

a woman can tell her man to lose weight , just as he can her.

people also forget there may be more to why someone 'motivates' someone.. she may have been depressed about her weight,seeking constant reassurance etc etc

and attraction can change..weight may be quite a factor when it comes to sex

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

its best to be honest but in a nice way not a nasty way, if my husband said that to me i might just tell him to find someone else because when i tell him to change things about himself he doesnt take any notice.

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By *ack Genuine BullMan over a year ago

Loughborough

I was recently in hospital having major abdominal ( cancer ) surgery. I made a good recovery. The future looks good for me..... but

It was very noticeable that those patients who were overweight were at a severe disadvantage when it came to their recovery........ comfort, time spent in hospital, wound management etc etc

And those who chose to smoke were even more disadvantaged, particularly after a general anaesthetic.

We are issued with one body at birth.... and it has to last us a lifetime.

So we may as well look after it......

EAT LESS & MOVE MORE!

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"i say good on him personally.. he was honest and proved good communication. If he was unhappy with something at least he spoke out, rather than go looking elsewhere at new eyecandy "

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By *iewMan over a year ago
Forum Mod

Angus & Findhorn

sometimes people need the un'sugarcoated' version

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Sometimes the truth hurts

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By *arkstaffsMan over a year ago

Rugeley

Good on both of them. As an overweight person myself I know how hard it can be to get the beef off. Sometimes a kick up the backside is needed. Good luck to them.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

I know it's great to communicate and all that but if my partner was that shallow I'd probably tell him to do one, if you only fancy your partner a certain way then it's probably not the right relationship to be in.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

i havnt seen the article but i would be interested to know what her partner looked like and how attractive he was and would he be worth losing weight for.

if he was fit then i would if not i wouldnt bother.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"I know it's great to communicate and all that but if my partner was that shallow I'd probably tell him to do one, if you only fancy your partner a certain way then it's probably not the right relationship to be in."

Think thats unfair,, id she was slimmer when they met he was physically attracted to each other, why should the bloke suffer because his mrs piled on the pounds? Physical attraction for me is just as important as the emotional

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"i havnt seen the article but i would be interested to know what her partner looked like and how attractive he was and would he be worth losing weight for.

if he was fit then i would if not i wouldnt bother."

Dont think thats the point though, the woman he lusted over physically had changed. Regardless how he looked she wasnt bothered but he was..

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

But surely if you loved them it really wouldnt matter. What if she had had an accident and became disfigured somehow? Would he be ok to dump her because she didn't look like she did when they met??

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

My husband didn't tell me I had to lose weight when I put loads on but he encouraged me to do so. I'm glad he did because I'm a lazy moo and if I thought he was happy with me the way I was, even though I wasn't, I still probably wouldn't have bothered to do anything about it.

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By *ugby 123Couple over a year ago
Forum Mod

O o O oo

I think if you love someone enough it is warts and all. So what if they put on weight, lose their hair etc, they are still the person you love.

Caravancouple, your link didn't work, have you put the right one in?

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Clearly im shallow,, but yes looks do mean something to me.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"i havnt seen the article but i would be interested to know what her partner looked like and how attractive he was and would he be worth losing weight for.

if he was fit then i would if not i wouldnt bother.

Dont think thats the point though, the woman he lusted over physically had changed. Regardless how he looked she wasnt bothered but he was..

Maybe she thought he wasnt worth making an effort for. If it bothered him that much he should leave her.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"Clearly im shallow,, but yes looks do mean something to me.

Doesn't love mean more???

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"I think if you love someone enough it is warts and all. So what if they put on weight, lose their hair etc, they are still the person you love."

Exactly! Some people obviously don't understand that love is different to lust!!

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

My ex was the cause of my weight gain. 9 stone of it. He called me a fat donut eating cunt and told me to fuck off and try to find someone else to fuck me now I'm fat. So I did

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Maybe she thought he wasnt worth making an effort for. If it bothered him that much he should leave her."

at least this way he gave her opportunity..

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"I think if you love someone enough it is warts and all. So what if they put on weight, lose their hair etc, they are still the person you love.

Caravancouple, your link didn't work, have you put the right one in?"

But when they see you are unhappy with yourself but too lazy to do anything about sometimes it's the motivation you need. Obviously he loves me warts and all...I don't have warts, btw!....but he wouldn't necessarily find me sexually attractive anymore as I was always a lot slimmer.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"My ex was the cause of my weight gain. 9 stone of it. He called me a fat donut eating cunt and told me to fuck off and try to find someone else to fuck me now I'm fat. So I did

Whoop whoop!!!

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"My ex was the cause of my weight gain. 9 stone of it. He called me a fat donut eating cunt and told me to fuck off and try to find someone else to fuck me now I'm fat. So I did

He did you a favour then.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"Clearly im shallow,, but yes looks do mean something to me.

Doesn't love mean more???"

i dunno what love is but i do know that physical attraction has to be part of the package..

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By *ugby 123Couple over a year ago
Forum Mod

O o O oo

"Clearly im shallow,, but yes looks do mean something to me.

They mean something to a lot of us initially....but love is different....I didn't notice certain things had changed with my OH until we were looking at old photo's ( and vice versa ) ie getting older / a few pounds added etc....the reason we probably never noticed is it doesn't matter as we are still in love.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"My ex was the cause of my weight gain. 9 stone of it. He called me a fat donut eating cunt and told me to fuck off and try to find someone else to fuck me now I'm fat. So I did

He did you a favour then.

Lol Well, I married him so he owed me one

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

[Removed by poster at 12/07/14 17:34:55]

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

I want someone to want to lose weight for,unfortunately my men all like fat women. No help at all

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By *ugby 123Couple over a year ago
Forum Mod

O o O oo

"I think if you love someone enough it is warts and all. So what if they put on weight, lose their hair etc, they are still the person you love.

Caravancouple, your link didn't work, have you put the right one in?

I don't think encouraging someone to lose weight because you know they are not happy is a bad thing and I think is slightly different

( glad about the wart thing, pesky little things )

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By *ugby 123Couple over a year ago
Forum Mod

O o O oo

"Clearly im shallow,, but yes looks do mean something to me.

and the reason that I got so cross when my ex said 'Fuck you're fat' is the spiteful way he said it plus I was falling out of love with him anyway.

Oh and I lost weight as soon as I threw him out

I think thats the thing, it is all about the context

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By *isscheekychopsWoman over a year ago

The land of grey peas and bacon

I'd do it for myself not my partner

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Reminds me of that couple in eastenders. Think it was dennis watermans daughter and guy called gary.

He was totally besotted with her, supported her when she decided she wanted to lose weight. Once she lost the weight, she decided she could do better and dumped him. Guy was distraught. She was in all the papers saying how fit she was and how it's opened all these doors for her etc. Rubbing salt in to the wound. Made the guy feel like shit, she was only with him cause she didn't think she could do better.

Upshot was, she forgot that instead of being slightly overweight and ugly, she was now just ugly. Soon dropped from public eye, and is now fat again.

Guy picked himself up and got someone that appreciated him as he was.

I just love happy endings...

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"I want someone to want to lose weight for,unfortunately my men all like fat women. No help at all "

That's because you are "fat" (your words not mine as I wouldn't like to judge) now when you meet them - so that is who you attract.

Therefore you would need to loose wright (if it is what YOU want to do). And then attract men who like slimmer women?

Bit of a catch 22 I suppose.

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By *aravancouple OP Man over a year ago

A Secret Hideaway In the caravan of love

"I think if you love someone enough it is warts and all. So what if they put on weight, lose their hair etc, they are still the person you love.

Caravancouple, your link didn't work, have you put the right one in?"

Sorry the page is no longer available.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"I want someone to want to lose weight for,unfortunately my men all like fat women. No help at all

That's because you are "fat" (your words not mine as I wouldn't like to judge) now when you meet them - so that is who you attract.

Therefore you would need to loose wright (if it is what YOU want to do). And then attract men who like slimmer women?

Bit of a catch 22 I suppose."

It is as I don't want to lose them. I'm not actually sure I would lose them. I can't see me ever being a size 10 again with small boobs. What I don't want is to attract a man who will only want me because I'm slim. Catch 22 yes and I'm fine being called fat

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

oddly i was chatting to a guy who liked me because im large and would have found me unattractive if id have lost weight.

as losing weight was the goal long term it never went anywhere

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

A doctor friend of mine said I should put on another half a stone to make my bum bigger. He obviously didn't care about my heart

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"I want someone to want to lose weight for,unfortunately my men all like fat women. No help at all

That's because you are "fat" (your words not mine as I wouldn't like to judge) now when you meet them - so that is who you attract.

Therefore you would need to loose wright (if it is what YOU want to do). And then attract men who like slimmer women?

Bit of a catch 22 I suppose.

This is how I feel..... Mummy dearest can't wait to get me married off so she constantly gives me grief about being fat, but I don't want the men that look right through me now!! If (big if) I ever get slim and hot how do I know that they would like me if I was fatter?? Sorry if that doesn't make sense!!!

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"I want someone to want to lose weight for,unfortunately my men all like fat women. No help at all

That's because you are "fat" (your words not mine as I wouldn't like to judge) now when you meet them - so that is who you attract.

Therefore you would need to loose wright (if it is what YOU want to do). And then attract men who like slimmer women?

Bit of a catch 22 I suppose.

I know what you mean. There are plenty of men who aren't bothered by weight. It's the health aspect for me. Although at the moment all my blood tests come back normal and my cholesterol is ok the extra weight isn't helping my pain

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By *ittenandthepirateCouple over a year ago

Manchester

"Clearly im shallow,, but yes looks do mean something to me.

Doesn't love mean more???"

If you love someone then you should be honest with them. If you're too scared to be honest then what is the relationship?

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"Clearly im shallow,, but yes looks do mean something to me.

Doesn't love mean more???

If you love someone then you should be honest with them. If you're too scared to be honest then what is the relationship?"

What I meant is that if you loved someone that much then the fatness wwouldn't bother you

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"Depends how he told her I suppose. If it was in a nice 'I'm worried about your health' way then that's fine but if it was anything like my ex who just looked at me and said 'Fuck you're fat' then NO!

This.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Depends on circumstances. I think honesty is important and if you feel your partner is letting themselves go or isn't 100% in whatever way it seems healthy to talk about it. The alternative is to think it but not say it - how can that be a good thing in a committed relationship?

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By *inkyKimblesWoman over a year ago

Northants

"My ex was the cause of my weight gain. 9 stone of it. He called me a fat donut eating cunt and told me to fuck off and try to find someone else to fuck me now I'm fat. So I did

Bloody well done you!!

I think people change if they age.. so if a fella went bald its ok for his missus to pap him off?

If you love someone you love them imperfections and all

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"My ex was the cause of my weight gain. 9 stone of it. He called me a fat donut eating cunt and told me to fuck off and try to find someone else to fuck me now I'm fat. So I did

Bloody well done you!!

I think people change if they age.. so if a fella went bald its ok for his missus to pap him off?

If you love someone you love them imperfections and all "

So if a partner stopped bathing the other should just put up with it? Warts and all..

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

I think you need to be really honest if you find your partner unattractive due to a big weight gain a serious talk needs to happen I'd hate to fall for a 11 stone guy then have a 20 stone guy I would not find him attractive at all its very unattractive and very unhealthy

The speak nicely and gently route just doesn't work fat people know they are needing to loose weight but real honest truth promotes the ability make a change and you can get action, yes it's upsetting but it sometimes needs to be

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By *uby0000Woman over a year ago

hertfordshire

agree there

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By *ighland_RoseCouple over a year ago

Brigadoon

"Clearly im shallow,, but yes looks do mean something to me.

Doesn't love mean more???

i dunno what love is but i do know that physical attraction has to be part of the package.. "

Looks don't last. Emotional feelings dependent on physical attraction aren't going to be lasting, to say the least.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

I spent almost 20 years with my ex husband, the first 4 were great then we had kids.....

4 pregnancies, two kids in 5 years, at the end I was a size 12 to 14 not the size 10 I began at.

My then hubby spent the next 11 years 'encouraging me' to lose weight, his way of doing it was thus.....

I love you darling, I just don't fancy you..

Can we turn the light off...

When dressed to go out it would be...you look lovely dear, if you lost weight you would look better...

When eating out he would make piggy grunting sounds if I ate pudding

And so I lost a dress size to get to a 10 and put on the sexy undies he bought me, his words to me were......wow you look lush, another half a stone and you will be perfect..

It wore me down, the last bit broke me, he likes very skinny women, that's not me but it's taken me a long time to get any body confidence back and realize it's not my problem either.

I still struggle to feel attractive at times but I know I'm sexy I'm just not for him.

He still cannot see that he hurt me he thinks it was helpful

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Attraction is big part in any relationship, you don't love someone when you first meet them your attracted to them and then you fall in love, if that person then changes from what they first were I think it's ok to say your not happy with the change,

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"I think if you love someone enough it is warts and all. So what if they put on weight, lose their hair etc, they are still the person you love.

Caravancouple, your link didn't work, have you put the right one in?"

As said in a orevious post , there has to be a physical attraction too .

If you fall in love with someone , it's the person AND the way they look you fall in love with .

So if they pile weight on and no longer do it for you on a physical level , are you really supposed to keep quiet and carry on making love to a person you no longer find attractive ?

In a fluffy mills and boon world I guess you should , but in the real world why not say something , and try to stay together .

Or say nothing and play away .....

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

I understand what those that say that it is fine to tell someone that they are no longer attracted to their partner because they have changed, in this case they have put on weight.

But to be honest I think that it is a little bit harsh. We are all changing constantly throughout our relationships.

Think it is a bit of an excuse really. Would it be okay for me to tell my missus I no longer found her attractive because of her slightly saggy boobs or her stretch marks after having our kids? (not that she has any of these-she reads the forums too).

Would it be okay for her to get rid of me when my hairline recedes beyond an acceptable point?

Don't get me started on each others wrinkles.

Love is knowing that each other has faults and imperfections but looking beyond that, there is something about her that I find truly attractive no matter how old, saggy and baggy we are going to become.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"I understand what those that say that it is fine to tell someone that they are no longer attracted to their partner because they have changed, in this case they have put on weight.

But to be honest I think that it is a little bit harsh. We are all changing constantly throughout our relationships.

Would it be okay for her to get rid of me when my hairline recedes beyond an acceptable point?

Don't get me started on each others wrinkles.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"My ex was the cause of my weight gain. 9 stone of it. He called me a fat donut eating cunt and told me to fuck off and try to find someone else to fuck me now I'm fat. So I did

Bloody well done you!!

I think people change if they age.. so if a fella went bald its ok for his missus to pap him off?

If you love someone you love them imperfections and all

So if a partner stopped bathing the other should just put up with it? Warts and all.."

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By *ugby 123Couple over a year ago
Forum Mod

O o O oo

"I spent almost 20 years with my ex husband, the first 4 were great then we had kids.....

4 pregnancies, two kids in 5 years, at the end I was a size 12 to 14 not the size 10 I began at.

My then hubby spent the next 11 years 'encouraging me' to lose weight, his way of doing it was thus.....

I love you darling, I just don't fancy you..

Can we turn the light off...

When dressed to go out it would be...you look lovely dear, if you lost weight you would look better...

When eating out he would make piggy grunting sounds if I ate pudding

And so I lost a dress size to get to a 10 and put on the sexy undies he bought me, his words to me were......wow you look lush, another half a stone and you will be perfect..

It wore me down, the last bit broke me, he likes very skinny women, that's not me but it's taken me a long time to get any body confidence back and realize it's not my problem either.

I still struggle to feel attractive at times but I know I'm sexy I'm just not for him.

He still cannot see that he hurt me he thinks it was helpful

That is

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"But surely if you loved them it really wouldnt matter. What if she had had an accident and became disfigured somehow? Would he be ok to dump her because she didn't look like she did when they met??"

That's just not the same thing , she didn't have an accident she wasn't disfigured , it was self inflicted, she ate to much simple ! It was affecting her health, he may well have and does love her so much he has given her years more to live and a longer happier sex life .

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"But surely if you loved them it really wouldnt matter. What if she had had an accident and became disfigured somehow? Would he be ok to dump her because she didn't look like she did when they met??

That is a little harsh to say that it is self inflicted, without knowing all the details.

Her partner maybe one of those guys who can eat and drink what they want and not put on an ounce, whereas she may only have to look at a cake to pile it on.

He may have had time to workout whilst she is at home knackered after looking after the kids all day and running around looking after her man.

We don't know the circumstances but it's unlikely she sat at home eating Ben and Jerry's in the hope she would gain 200 llbs.

Size is just one physical factor in attraction, age is another. The stereotype of the middle aged bloke trading his middle aged missus in for a model 20 years younger is widely criticised.

But the wife has changed, she is not the same as when he first met her, even if she has managed to stay trim, surely it must be okay for him to do this, in fact there should be more blokes doing this, why the fuck aren't I doing this?

Where is that online site for Russian/Thai/Philippino brides anyway?

But it's not always right and guys who do this just because their wife has aged are twats, in my humble opinion.

To ask a partner to changed an aspect of themselves for health reasons is fine but when they say changed because I do not fancy you anymore is taking the piss abit.

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By *ugby 123Couple over a year ago
Forum Mod

O o O oo

"I think if you love someone enough it is warts and all. So what if they put on weight, lose their hair etc, they are still the person you love.

Caravancouple, your link didn't work, have you put the right one in?

As said in a orevious post , there has to be a physical attraction too .

If you fall in love with someone , it's the person AND the way they look you fall in love with .

So if they pile weight on and no longer do it for you on a physical level , are you really supposed to keep quiet and carry on making love to a person you no longer find attractive ?

In a fluffy mills and boon world I guess you should , but in the real world why not say something , and try to stay together .

Or say nothing and play away .....

I didn't say there shouldn't be a physical attraction.

I didn't say people should stay quiet if they don't want to.

I didn't say people should say nothing and play away.

What I said was...."I think if you love someone enough it is warts and all. So what if they put on weight, lose their hair etc, they are still the person you love "

This is just me, other people can do what they want

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"I think if you love someone enough it is warts and all. So what if they put on weight, lose their hair etc, they are still the person you love.

Caravancouple, your link didn't work, have you put the right one in?

As said in a orevious post , there has to be a physical attraction too .

If you fall in love with someone , it's the person AND the way they look you fall in love with .

So if they pile weight on and no longer do it for you on a physical level , are you really supposed to keep quiet and carry on making love to a person you no longer find attractive ?

In a fluffy mills and boon world I guess you should , but in the real world why not say something , and try to stay together .

Or say nothing and play away .....

I didn't say there shouldn't be a physical attraction.

I didn't say people should stay quiet if they don't want to.

I didn't say people should say nothing and play away.

What I said was...."I think if you love someone enough it is warts and all. So what if they put on weight, lose their hair etc, they are still the person you love "

This is just me, other people can do what they want

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By *ugby 123Couple over a year ago
Forum Mod

O o O oo

"I think if you love someone enough it is warts and all. So what if they put on weight, lose their hair etc, they are still the person you love.

Caravancouple, your link didn't work, have you put the right one in?

As said in a orevious post , there has to be a physical attraction too .

If you fall in love with someone , it's the person AND the way they look you fall in love with .

So if they pile weight on and no longer do it for you on a physical level , are you really supposed to keep quiet and carry on making love to a person you no longer find attractive ?

In a fluffy mills and boon world I guess you should , but in the real world why not say something , and try to stay together .

Or say nothing and play away .....

I didn't say there shouldn't be a physical attraction.

I didn't say people should stay quiet if they don't want to.

I didn't say people should say nothing and play away.

What I said was...."I think if you love someone enough it is warts and all. So what if they put on weight, lose their hair etc, they are still the person you love "

This is just me, other people can do what they want.

I am not sure where the fluffy mills and boon comes in as I always thought that were romance stories , maybe some people are still romancing each other

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By *ugby 123Couple over a year ago
Forum Mod

O o O oo

Reposted as I forgot the end bit

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

My ex got fat . In the end he disgusted me so much with his personality changes as well there was no going back . Best to tell someone they need to loose weight IMO

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By *ee VianteWoman over a year ago

Somewhere in North Norfolk

There's a difference between honest communication and being caring and supportive and making thoughtless, crass comments that will undermine confidence and cause hurt.

Then there is just being a self-centred bully using insults and abuse to get what they want.

If someone gains weight to a degree where they become unhealthy or unhappy, raising it and helping them address it is fine.

The cases where people are already slim and healthy but are still pushed to change are not ok.

Likewise, being downright nasty to try to force someone who doesn't want to change or isn't ready to change is bullying.

Sadly, many people do this and are convinced they are helping, that it's "tough love" and they are doing what is best for the person they think should change.

Belittling someone and destroying their confidence will not empower them to change, if they even want to.

Pressuring me to change makes me dig my heels in and refuse to change on principle, even if I want to, (and yes, I know this is cutting off my nose to spite my face). I hate the thought of the bully thinking their tactics worked and they helped me.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"There's a difference between honest communication and being caring and supportive and making thoughtless, crass comments that will undermine confidence and cause hurt.

Then there is just being a self-centred bully using insults and abuse to get what they want.

If someone gains weight to a degree where they become unhealthy or unhappy, raising it and helping them address it is fine.

The cases where people are already slim and healthy but are still pushed to change are not ok.

Likewise, being downright nasty to try to force someone who doesn't want to change or isn't ready to change is bullying.

Sadly, many people do this and are convinced they are helping, that it's "tough love" and they are doing what is best for the person they think should change.

Belittling someone and destroying their confidence will not empower them to change, if they even want to.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

any larger ladies want a fuck?]

...part of my new health plan

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"any larger ladies want a fuck?]

...part of my new health plan"