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Seasoned Forumites: Urgent Medical Advice
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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I know from previous forum threads that there are some people here with very sensible advice for people with medical worries so I was hoping that I could draw on the collective wisdom.
I am visiting my lovely (and voluptuous and adventurous, but that is enough of that) FB and she mentioned that she had a terrible headache. Well, naturally, having tried a couple of paracetamol and finding herself feeling no better, she wished to be able to perform.
I have just found her in the garage and it is a sad sight to behold. I think she tried a self-lobotomy using her dad's old electric saw. Looking at her in more detail, I can only assume that she tried to get at the offending area with the Black And Decker but she has not made a great job of it.
Now, I have tried the obvious. I do recall the basics from my St. John's course but scooping it all back in has not worked (so far, but I am still trying).
It is a sensitive situation as I do not really want people to know that I am here and the GP is shut for the evening now.
Does anyone have some advice please? |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I know from previous forum threads that there are some people here with very sensible advice for people with medical worries so I was hoping that I could draw on the collective wisdom.
I am visiting my lovely (and voluptuous and adventurous, but that is enough of that) FB and she mentioned that she had a terrible headache. Well, naturally, having tried a couple of paracetamol and finding herself feeling no better, she wished to be able to perform.
I have just found her in the garage and it is a sad sight to behold. I think she tried a self-lobotomy using her dad's old electric saw. Looking at her in more detail, I can only assume that she tried to get at the offending area with the Black And Decker but she has not made a great job of it.
Now, I have tried the obvious. I do recall the basics from my St. John's course but scooping it all back in has not worked (so far, but I am still trying).
It is a sensitive situation as I do not really want people to know that I am here and the GP is shut for the evening now.
Does anyone have some advice please?"
Wipe down everything you have touched, find a phonebox that isn't in range of cctv and call an ambulance? |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"Expanding foam is great for filling hollow areas...."
I will have a root around and see if I can find any. Is Duck Tape any good? I can see some of that but it is covered in sawdust. |
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Put a storm trooper helmet on her and that will hold all the bits in. Then call for an ambulance. When the hospital staff take it off, it's their fault it all spills out and if one slips on it and hurts themselves, then they are in a good place to be seen to. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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I have offered her aspirin but I can't seem to be able to get her to swallow (which will be a problem for later, surely). She just seems to gibber about East Enders and the Moldovian world cup squad. It is really not like her. I am beginning to get concerned. |
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By *londeCazWoman
over a year ago
Arse End of the Universe, Cumbria |
I asked my sociopathic personality what to do as he's quite used to strange situations like this...he says she has no chance and recommends wiping everything down with bleach and then once the unfortunate FB has expired, use the tools to section her up then place in a wheelie bin and leave outside Chopsy's house for the bin men to dispose of (this also means Chopsy gets a replacement bin so it's a win-win situation for you both)  |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"With all this advice, no one has told you to put gloves on! Its a messy business and all that mush might ruin your nails! x "
Thank you. I wish I had thought of that earlier before I got all that grey squishy stuff under my nails. I know that you forumites are doing your best to help but sometimes you just do not have the right answers at the right time.
To bring you up to date, she has expired a couple of times but her dad's spare car battery and jump leads seems to have done the job. And she has stopped that awful gibbering. Well, I say that, but she was never a great singer and now its the lyrics to the Birdy Song sung to the tune of Fernando. Maybe I should stop the reviving business? |
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By *odareyouMan
over a year ago
not far from iceland,,,,,, tescos is nearer though :-) (near leeds) |
Seriously, theres No need to worry fella,,!! 
brains, ladies, errr ladies don t need brains
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they've got men, |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Go through her purse and get sown the pub to pull a replacement and get pissed, by morning the rigor mortice will have worn off so you can remove the jewelry.
Mr F West |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"Go through her purse and get sown the pub to pull a replacement and get pissed, by morning the rigor mortice will have worn off so you can remove the jewelry.
Mr F West "
Oh, and thanks for the private message. I have tried the NHS Helpline and the lady was very helpful. Unfortunately, the conditions I described were not on their database so she could only suggest that I put her to bed and call the GP in the morning. Would that be best? I think I will open a bottle of wine and consider my options. |
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By *igeiaWoman
over a year ago
Bristol |
Call Tina. She has an emergency zombie apocalypse plan that may be adaptable to other brain oozing scenarios. Failing that, fashion a wig out of a broom or mop (every garage should have one and/or t'other) to cover the damage and get her to the X Factor auditions quick sharpish. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Go through her purse and get sown the pub to pull a replacement and get pissed, by morning the rigor mortice will have worn off so you can remove the jewelry.
Mr F West
Oh, and thanks for the private message. I have tried the NHS Helpline and the lady was very helpful. Unfortunately, the conditions I described were not on their database so she could only suggest that I put her to bed and call the GP in the morning. Would that be best? I think I will open a bottle of wine and consider my options."
Ahh - now I know you're making this up, anyone knows that the default setting of NHS(re)Direct is to call an ambulance!  |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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I really don't know what to do. I am truly distraught. I was so looking forward to getting a blow job. Does anyone fancy a fuck? Not in the garage, obviously, and I may clean my fingernails. And change my shirt. |
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"With all this advice, no one has told you to put gloves on! Its a messy business and all that mush might ruin your nails! x
Thank you. I wish I had thought of that earlier before I got all that grey squishy stuff under my nails. I know that you forumites are doing your best to help but sometimes you just do not have the right answers at the right time.
To bring you up to date, she has expired a couple of times but her dad's spare car battery and jump leads seems to have done the job. And she has stopped that awful gibbering. Well, I say that, but she was never a great singer and now its the lyrics to the Birdy Song sung to the tune of Fernando. Maybe I should stop the reviving business?"
Oooo Necro meets elctro, how kinky!
Hope she enjoyed all the fun too! |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Go through her purse and get sown the pub to pull a replacement and get pissed, by morning the rigor mortice will have worn off so you can remove the jewelry.
Mr F West
Oh, and thanks for the private message. I have tried the NHS Helpline and the lady was very helpful. Unfortunately, the conditions I described were not on their database so she could only suggest that I put her to bed and call the GP in the morning. Would that be best? I think I will open a bottle of wine and consider my options."
Is the lady in questoin an Actress per chance, evidently its quite common for Actoooooors to corpse
If shes drooling and gibbering you could probably get her a crawl on part in Eastenders
Gimp |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"Go through her purse and get sown the pub to pull a replacement and get pissed, by morning the rigor mortice will have worn off so you can remove the jewelry.
Mr F West
Oh, and thanks for the private message. I have tried the NHS Helpline and the lady was very helpful. Unfortunately, the conditions I described were not on their database so she could only suggest that I put her to bed and call the GP in the morning. Would that be best? I think I will open a bottle of wine and consider my options.
Is the lady in questoin an Actress per chance, evidently its quite common for Actoooooors to corpse
If shes drooling and gibbering you could probably get her a crawl on part in Eastenders
Gimp "
Maybe I was wrong to seek proficient advice here after all? There does not seem to be much to go on here. I suppose I could try the GP in the morning and then the Eastenders Line afterwards but that does not really help ME does it? Have some bloody sympathy. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Go through her purse and get sown the pub to pull a replacement and get pissed, by morning the rigor mortice will have worn off so you can remove the jewelry.
Mr F West
Oh, and thanks for the private message. I have tried the NHS Helpline and the lady was very helpful. Unfortunately, the conditions I described were not on their database so she could only suggest that I put her to bed and call the GP in the morning. Would that be best? I think I will open a bottle of wine and consider my
Is the lady in questoin an Actress per chance, evidently its quite common for Actoooooors to corpse
If shes drooling and gibbering you could probably get her a crawl on part in Eastenders
Gimp
Maybe I was wrong to seek proficient advice here after all? There does not seem to be much to go on here. I suppose I could try the GP in the morning and then the Eastenders Line afterwards but that does not really help ME does it? Have some bloody sympathy."
Heyyy dont get shirty i was gonna cut a deal 60/40 and i become her agent, braindead i could get her on stenders corrie towie an runner up on the Xfactor, next month biggish brother...the worlds your oyestercard
Gimp |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I really don't know what to do. I am truly distraught. I was so looking forward to getting a blow job. Does anyone fancy a fuck? Not in the garage, obviously, and I may clean my fingernails. And change my shirt."
Is there an industrial vacuum cleaner there? |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"I really don't know what to do. I am truly distraught. I was so looking forward to getting a blow job. Does anyone fancy a fuck? Not in the garage, obviously, and I may clean my fingernails. And change my shirt.
Is there an industrial vacuum cleaner there? "
Just a car vac. I suppose I could at least clean up. It is a bit of a mess. I don't think her dad has cleaned this garage for years. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I really don't know what to do. I am truly distraught. I was so looking forward to getting a blow job. Does anyone fancy a fuck? Not in the garage, obviously, and I may clean my fingernails. And change my shirt.
Is there an industrial vacuum cleaner there?
Just a car vac. I suppose I could at least clean up. It is a bit of a mess. I don't think her dad has cleaned this garage for years."
Was referring to your BJ problem, - a car vacuum hardly hits the spot. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"I really don't know what to do. I am truly distraught. I was so looking forward to getting a blow job. Does anyone fancy a fuck? Not in the garage, obviously, and I may clean my fingernails. And change my shirt.
Is there an industrial vacuum cleaner there?
Just a car vac. I suppose I could at least clean up. It is a bit of a mess. I don't think her dad has cleaned this garage for years.
Was referring to your BJ problem, - a car vacuum hardly hits the spot."
Oh, good point. The NHS Line was not of much help there either. Sometimes I really do wonder what we pay our taxes for.
Do you think it would be OK if I popped out for a while. I fancy some chips and curry sauce.
I guess she will still be here when I come back. I suppose that at least is an advantage of the current situation. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I really don't know what to do. I am truly distraught. I was so looking forward to getting a blow job. Does anyone fancy a fuck? Not in the garage, obviously, and I may clean my fingernails. And change my shirt.
Is there an industrial vacuum cleaner there?
Just a car vac. I suppose I could at least clean up. It is a bit of a mess. I don't think her dad has cleaned this garage for years.
Was referring to your BJ problem, - a car vacuum hardly hits the spot."
Wanna bet
Did i say that out loud 
Gimp |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"Admit it.
This wasn't self inflicted.
You simply fucked her brains out.
A"
I do so appreciate these sensitive comments that are so helping my difficult situation. I shall be leaving this site. I will, you know. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Put a storm trooper helmet on her and that will hold all the bits in. Then call for an ambulance. When the hospital staff take it off, it's their fault it all spills out and if one slips on it and hurts themselves, then they are in a good place to be seen to. "
 |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"WTF are you doing letting a sheep loose with a Black and Decker ?"
While I am sitting here back in the garage watching my dear FB twitching and oozing, can I just ask you all - you know, just to pass the time - what you think of benefit scroungers? And whether you like BBC's. And whether there is a low or high proportion of BBWs on here? And your definition of BBW? And my profile? See, I have been on here for ages and all my mails get deleted. That is just darned rude.
It would help pass the time while I watch her brain twitch and, bizarrely, sort of creep across the garage floor. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I have offered her aspirin but I can't seem to be able to get her to swallow (which will be a problem for later, surely). She just seems to gibber about East Enders and the Moldovian world cup squad. It is really not like her. I am beginning to get concerned."
Now, just to help with diagnosis - is the gibbering about East Enders and the Moldovian world cup squad, an increase or a decrease in her levels of intelligence or perception? |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"I have offered her aspirin but I can't seem to be able to get her to swallow (which will be a problem for later, surely). She just seems to gibber about East Enders and the Moldovian world cup squad. It is really not like her. I am beginning to get concerned.
Now, just to help with diagnosis - is the gibbering about East Enders and the Moldovian world cup squad, an increase or a decrease in her levels of intelligence or perception? "
It is strange what comes out of a dirty mind.
Maybe I should do the vacuuming after all. |
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Treat offending headaches with multiple types of pain killers, as they act in different ways - eg, ibuprofen plus paracetanol and possibly others, inc codeine. Allergies and any interactions with current medication need to be taken into consideration. If she has hay fever, consider adding an anti histamine. Ensure she is thoroughly hydrated with plenty of fluids. If it is like a migraine, she may benefit from reducing light levels, plus I would get her to a restful area. Plenty of relaxation. Check her temperature and cool her if she has had too much heat. Chemists may be open 24 hours if you need advice or supplies. |
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By *icketysplitsWoman
over a year ago
Way over Yonder, that's where I'm bound |
"Treat offending headaches with multiple types of pain killers, as they act in different ways - eg, ibuprofen plus paracetanol and possibly others, inc codeine. Allergies and any interactions with current medication need to be taken into consideration. If she has hay fever, consider adding an anti histamine. Ensure she is thoroughly hydrated with plenty of fluids. If it is like a migraine, she may benefit from reducing light levels, plus I would get her to a restful area. Plenty of relaxation. Check her temperature and cool her if she has had too much heat. Chemists may be open 24 hours if you need advice or supplies. "
Will that lead to the OP getting a bj?
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Clingfilm copes well with stuff that is oozing, and you can always staple on something a bit thicker for strength. Nails or tacks work if no staples. Liquidisers could produce a nutritious supplement drink if you get weak. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"Clingfilm copes well with stuff that is oozing, and you can always staple on something a bit thicker for strength. Nails or tacks work if no staples. Liquidisers could produce a nutritious supplement drink if you get weak. "
At last, some sensible and helpful advice. I'll pop into B and Q this evening. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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No More Nails works a treat. It can also be used to hang pictures and fit skirting boards, so if all else fails you could, perhaps, use he as a wall orniment.... |
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Good luck son.
But still a little groggy 
