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Is it unreasonable
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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My ex chooses to only see our daughter 3 or 4 times a year. We only live 150 miles apart, he doesn't need to work and does not, has an income of £40k pa, non-mortgaged house, he's older than me, all of which I walked away from with nowt! Now he says he's not gonna pick her up for the half term cos he called and she did not pick up. In these circumstances, at what point is a cricket bat acceptable?   |
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"My ex chooses to only see our daughter 3 or 4 times a year. We only live 150 miles apart, he doesn't need to work and does not, has an income of £40k pa, non-mortgaged house, he's older than me, all of which I walked away from with nowt! Now he says he's not gonna pick her up for the half term cos he called and she did not pick up. In these circumstances, at what point is a cricket bat acceptable? "
Now. We all know what kids are like for answering their phones and when they do answer depending what they got to say as to how long the call is. How does your daughter feel about it. This is going to sound aweful but it does sound as though he was looking for an excuse. |
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By *ustyWoman
over a year ago
inverclyde |
i know the feeling my ex saw his daughter in march this year and before that last november, he is 400 miles away but could make the effort to see her but instead he is more interested in spending time with his new lady than his 13yr old daughter..... glad am divorced from him but he vould make the time for her |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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mines lives 5 mins down the rd...not paid a penny for her till a few wks ago...
at 13 she could make her own mind up if she wants to see him but to me it sounds like he just bein a git!! xx |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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Lovelies, it's hard work for those of who have it all in our ears, from the ex and from the kids! But there are the lovely times too, and knowing you are storing up smiles for later!
Absent dads, read and weep!  |
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"Lovelies, it's hard work for those of who have it all in our ears, from the ex and from the kids! But there are the lovely times too, and knowing you are storing up smiles for later!
Absent dads, read and weep! "
Not all absent dads are absent by choice,some are extremely loving, though most are.
Sadly, if fathers do not want to see their offspring regularly, at frequent intervals etc then there is little can be done.
The Courts recognise that men cannot be made, by way of Order if necessary to see their offspring regularly, to a pattern or quota.
It's often tragic, but only time and the needs and feelings of your children will determine the outcome.
Whilst understandable, and whilst i would somewhat agree with you, the bat is not the answer. All you can do is love your kids the best you can, give em as much attention as you can or they need, and keep trying to arrange contact between child and father, if thats what the child wants.
Hope it helps. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Lovelies, it's hard work for those of who have it all in our ears, from the ex and from the kids! But there are the lovely times too, and knowing you are storing up smiles for later!
Absent dads, read and weep!
Not all absent dads are absent by choice,some are extremely loving, though most are.
Sadly, if fathers do not want to see their offspring regularly, at frequent intervals etc then there is little can be done.
The Courts recognise that men cannot be made, by way of Order if necessary to see their offspring regularly, to a pattern or quota.
It's often tragic, but only time and the needs and feelings of your children will determine the outcome.
Whilst understandable, and whilst i would somewhat agree with you, the bat is not the answer. All you can do is love your kids the best you can, give em as much attention as you can or they need, and keep trying to arrange contact between child and father, if thats what the child wants.
Hope it helps. "
not something I could never understand. What if women felt the same way "oh, I just can't be arsed today" and just walked away from their child...see what happens to them in the court! the man was an equal in creating the child and i think, and this would benefit dad's that dont get access too, that there should be a joint responsibility towards the child.
they dont ask for the life we give them, we owe it to them that both parents be equally active. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"Lovelies, it's hard work for those of who have it all in our ears, from the ex and from the kids! But there are the lovely times too, and knowing you are storing up smiles for later!
Absent dads, read and weep!
Not all absent dads are absent by choice,some are extremely loving, though most are.
Sadly, if fathers do not want to see their offspring regularly, at frequent intervals etc then there is little can be done.
The Courts recognise that men cannot be made, by way of Order if necessary to see their offspring regularly, to a pattern or quota.
It's often tragic, but only time and the needs and feelings of your children will determine the outcome.
Whilst understandable, and whilst i would somewhat agree with you, the bat is not the answer. All you can do is love your kids the best you can, give em as much attention as you can or they need, and keep trying to arrange contact between child and father, if thats what the child wants.
Hope it helps. "
Sweetie, totally agree. When you've watched this lovely thing grow from a blob into a beautiful young woman, nurtured her alone for pretty well all of that it is wonderful to know what she and I have done between us, totally unaided and at times against all odds! x   |
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By *xccvvMan
over a year ago
Yorkshire North East |
As a single parent and bloke get tired of the "tag the absent fathers, take the passports off the absent fathers" only this week was at CSA tribunal after nearly 7 years of ex wife saying why she shouldn't have to contribute to her kids and me saying she should
Rant over lol, but can we call them absent parents lol |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"As a single parent and bloke get tired of the "tag the absent fathers, take the passports off the absent fathers" only this week was at CSA tribunal after nearly 7 years of ex wife saying why she shouldn't have to contribute to her kids and me saying she should
Rant over lol, but can we call them absent parents lol"
Can I please be first to say sorry! 
Not a sexist thing, just I was so peed off to receive the txt, have to be the one to deliver the news that your father did not understand that you cannot receive his txts during your lessons or sleep periods so is once again abandoning you! Sorry! Hurts! Bat please! |
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By *harpDressed ManMan
over a year ago
Here occasionally, but mostly somewhere else |
I think the "don't bash absent fathers" thing is fine when it's a theoretical discussion, but when it's a specific circumstance like this....the man's a twat.
Make sure there's a rusty nail sticking out of the bat. |
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By *ouvakMan
over a year ago
clacton on sea |
I've seen a few women who have walked away from their children and never gone back, never had contact and never paid towards their up keep, forcing the father to give up his job, and become a house husband full time, so it's not just men who walk away, i'm a divorced father of two, adult children who i see maybe 4 or 5 times a year, i'm over 150 miles from mine and being out of work i find it hard to find the money to make the round tip ( £30 in fuel)(out of £64 per week) aint easy, if i can't see them i phone at least once a week, maybe twice, i also have 5 g/kids, whom i love to see, once back at work i will make the trip monthly as i did before, so don't knock all absent dads, there are absent mums too, i have personal experience of that when my brothers wife ran off to America with her love ( internet) and left him with 5 kids aged from a fem months to 10 years old |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Some parents put their dislike of each other before the love of their children: I don't understand that.
My youngest daughter spends every weekend with her dad and she's 18! He buys all her clothes, pays for her travel card for college, upgrades her phone yearly and pays her bill, pays for her driving and cello lessons, pays my electric bill as my other daughter's always cold and has an additional electric heater in her room. When the other two are short of cash he's there to help.
He's never missed a birthday, open evening, uni visit.
If anything in my house needs doing he does it or knows a man that can.
We go on day trips with the girls and plays on the beach with them, our girls are 18, 22 and 27.
We live four miles apart and although we're divorced the girls have and will always the centre of his life.
Not all men are bad, those that distance themselves from their kids will regret it.
My girls would do anything for their dad as he would for them. |
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"Lovelies, it's hard work for those of who have it all in our ears, from the ex and from the kids! But there are the lovely times too, and knowing you are storing up smiles for later!
Absent dads, read and weep!
Not all absent dads are absent by choice,some are extremely loving, though most are.
Sadly, if fathers do not want to see their offspring regularly, at frequent intervals etc then there is little can be done.
The Courts recognise that men cannot be made, by way of Order if necessary to see their offspring regularly, to a pattern or quota.
It's often tragic, but only time and the needs and feelings of your children will determine the outcome.
Whilst understandable, and whilst i would somewhat agree with you, the bat is not the answer. All you can do is love your kids the best you can, give em as much attention as you can or they need, and keep trying to arrange contact between child and father, if thats what the child wants.
Hope it helps.
not something I could never understand. What if women felt the same way "oh, I just can't be arsed today" and just walked away from their child...see what happens to them in the court! the man was an equal in creating the child and i think, and this would benefit dad's that dont get access too, that there should be a joint responsibility towards the child.
they dont ask for the life we give them, we owe it to them that both parents be equally active."
Not wishing to dwell or argue but consider this :
If it gets to Court, it is usually the father FIGHTING ( go away notts lol ) for contact and usually glad and willing to have as much as possible.
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PS i recall once reading that the CSA were processing 279,000 absent mothers.
Tragedy for the children, either way.
And frequently, although not in your case, it is the "possessive" parent drives the other parent away, whether explicitly otherwise.
I think CAFCASS were proud to state that 61% of children they dealt with still saw the "other parent" two years later.
39% of children ceasing to see the other parent within two years, with their input, is f*cking disgraceful, nothing to brag about.
I wish the OP and children, all the best.
39% of children |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"
PS i recall once reading that the CSA were processing 279,000 absent mothers.
Tragedy for the children, either way.
And frequently, although not in your case, it is the "possessive" parent drives the other parent away, whether explicitly otherwise.
I think CAFCASS were proud to state that 61% of children they dealt with still saw the "other parent" two years later.
39% of children ceasing to see the other parent within two years, with their input, is f*cking disgraceful, nothing to brag about.
I wish the OP and children, all the best.
39% of children "
I could contribute a whole essay to this thread after 6 years of been in and out of court but its 3 in the morning and my bed is calling.
What i will say, WITH A PASSION...cafcass...need to take there rose tinted glasses off!!! |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"My ex chooses to only see our daughter 3 or 4 times a year. We only live 150 miles apart, he doesn't need to work and does not, has an income of £40k pa, non-mortgaged house, he's older than me, all of which I walked away from with nowt! Now he says he's not gonna pick her up for the half term cos he called and she did not pick up. In these circumstances, at what point is a cricket bat acceptable? "
At the end of the day your daughter had her mum, he's the one thats missing out on seeing his child grow up, hes the one that going to grow old lonely, hes the one that one day will realise his mistakes by then your daughter may not want to see him, to say hes not picking her up for not answering the phone just sounds like an excuse to me, my kids dont always answer the phone when i call i dont boot them out for it, i sometimes wonder in relationships like that if the children are better off not seeing their dad at all rather than being let down all the time, i know that sounds harsh but their nothing worse than a dissopointed child |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"My ex chooses to only see our daughter 3 or 4 times a year. We only live 150 miles apart, he doesn't need to work and does not, has an income of £40k pa, non-mortgaged house, he's older than me, all of which I walked away from with nowt! Now he says he's not gonna pick her up for the half term cos he called and she did not pick up. In these circumstances, at what point is a cricket bat acceptable? "
Well what can I sat, dead beat dads do ya f@&king head in, it is an excuse as he has got other plans, my son and me are best friends, he is the world to me, even tho he stays with his mother I see himost days and always try to get back so I can meet him from school, why do people try and us children as a play off or not even visit???? We live in a world where it's to easy to just have children and then not be responable enough to be part of there life,, I could go on all day about this, |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I always find passionate threads lie this interesting. It looks on the face of it he isn't being fair to the child. It would be good to see things from his point of view though to balance things out. |
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"
PS i recall once reading that the CSA were processing 279,000 absent mothers.
Tragedy for the children, either way.
And frequently, although not in your case, it is the "possessive" parent drives the other parent away, whether explicitly otherwise.
I think CAFCASS were proud to state that 61% of children they dealt with still saw the "other parent" two years later.
39% of children ceasing to see the other parent within two years, with their input, is f*cking disgraceful, nothing to brag about.
I wish the OP and children, all the best.
39% of children
I could contribute a whole essay to this thread after 6 years of been in and out of court but its 3 in the morning and my bed is calling.
What i will say, WITH A PASSION...cafcass...need to take there rose tinted glasses off!!!"
yep, wouldn't want the noose, or blindfold, to knock them off |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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in my case i offered her dad if he wanted to see her it would be no problem, either in my home with me in neighbours, or his aunts across the rd, or his sisters and was told no he wasnt allowed to see her by his wife!
i was the one left to explain why she didnt have a dad who seen her or even got her a birthday card or christmas present and why he didnt want to see her!
iv been one of the lucky ones with the csa they had everythin sorted out within weeks and then when he changed jobs and decided to try and avoid them they found him quickly with the information i had.
he got away with not payin for the first 8 years until i decided enough was enough, he had to contribute somehow.
iv never had another relationship as i didnt want her growing up with different men comin in and out her life, so i opted for single with playmates when she at grans!
its been a struggle, but we have managed this far and she has never really wanted for anythin but still hard on her knowin the rejection that came from him but when the time comes and she wants to ask him the question to his face i will take her x |
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"Lovelies, it's hard work for those of who have it all in our ears, from the ex and from the kids! But there are the lovely times too, and knowing you are storing up smiles for later!
Absent dads, read and weep!
Not all absent dads are absent by choice,some are extremely loving, though most are.
Sadly, if fathers do not want to see their offspring regularly, at frequent intervals etc then there is little can be done.
The Courts recognise that men cannot be made, by way of Order if necessary to see their offspring regularly, to a pattern or quota.
It's often tragic, but only time and the needs and feelings of your children will determine the outcome.
Whilst understandable, and whilst i would somewhat agree with you, the bat is not the answer. All you can do is love your kids the best you can, give em as much attention as you can or they need, and keep trying to arrange contact between child and father, if thats what the child wants.
Hope it helps.
Sweetie, totally agree. When you've watched this lovely thing grow from a blob into a beautiful young woman, nurtured her alone for pretty well all of that it is wonderful to know what she and I have done between us, totally unaided and at times against all odds! x "
you deserve that ,for the hurt, no doubt you have had and continue to have on behalf of your daughter .It sounds like it is a control issue for this man ..ie :dont answer you phone ...i dont come and i punish you for it ..
Fuck him ,do you really want your kid exposed to that sort of bloke. Keep doing a great job turning out a lovely well balanced human being ,put away your cricket bat and smile that she is all yours .
He has noting but bricks mortar and money,all of which you cant take with you...the only thing you take with you are memories...
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If you have a child through consent its simple you should contribute. If your tricked or through other means then I feel it’s a case to be looked at on an individual basis.
The CSA for all its bad press in the past it still does a passable job and helps struggling lone parents (note its not always the man who leaves) get some financial support.
The reasons for men not being involved are many. Sometimes there are two sides when the parent who left is made to feel uncomfortable or unwelcome. At times children are manipulated against the parent who left although this is only on some occasions. The real issue should be ensuring the child has as little disruption as possible.
As for the absent parent not wanting contact. Well you cannot force someone although there is no excuse for not financially supporting a child you helped bring into this world.
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I know this feeling Bridies dad lives ten mins round the corner never paid a penny and if he sees us coming he walks in opposite direction. Yet hes got a new family now nice house nice car and can afford private nursery go figure. |
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By *b430Man
over a year ago
Tayside |
"My ex chooses to only see our daughter 3 or 4 times a year. We only live 150 miles apart, he doesn't need to work and does not, has an income of £40k pa, non-mortgaged house, he's older than me, all of which I walked away from with nowt! Now he says he's not gonna pick her up for the half term cos he called and she did not pick up. In these circumstances, at what point is a cricket bat acceptable?
how many mothers out of spite and even badness will not let there kids see there father. i know of two women.
and vice versa,wont let the father see the kids. "
I know of one too! |
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My ex wife tried her best to stop me having contact with my son who was 2 at the time for reasons unknown as it was her fault we split as she was fooling around.
It took me 5 court cases to eventually get a judge to make her let me have him on a weekend under the threat of her being jailed if she did not let me have him as agreed.
Over the next 14 years she did her best to get him to not want to see me by telling lies about me but unfortunatly her sister told him the truth in many cases.
When he became 16 i let him read what had gone off in court and he was very shocked as his mother had fed him so many lies about me over the years.
He is 22 now and we are big mates so fellas dont give in if its hard to see your kid cos in the end its worth every penny when your lad says come on dad i will take you for a beer.
Bad parents of either sex make my blood boil to be honest.
Steve |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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as a father i sometimes wonder what my ex tells our daughter. When we broke up my ex went back to live in her hometown in ireland. thanks to budget airlines i get over to see my daughter every 3rd weekend and also pay more than i would through the CSA as we done a private agreement (mother is on benefits and the state pay for her 3 bedroomed detached house). Now i have a great relationship with my daughter but have no rights as not named on the birth certificate......my daughter shall be 4 this year. 2 months ago when discussing certain matters with my ex i asked how she felt about the possibility of our daughter coming over to scotland for 2 weekends a year....not this year but next...so in effect 18 months from now. it almost caused a riot and i was told my daughter will be at least 10 before she would allow her to come stay with me. Power and control is a disgusting tool when children are involved. The father referred to by the OP should be bloody ashamed of his behaviour. Sounds like a spoilt rat who doesnt realise how lucky he is. There are loads of us fathers who arent involved in the day to day stuff with our children.....that is the bit that hurts the most....and you dont get all those days back!!! |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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and from the other side my brothers girl walked out on her 3 kids left him to raise them and she has never paid a penny when she has been workin then decided she wanted them back! big court case, social workers etc and in the end he won custody but he had a helluva battle it felt at times the full system was against him ten years down the line and his boys are a credit to him , she occasionally appears but for 7 years they never even had as much as a letter from her never mind a card or sweetie!
it can go both ways xx |
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"My ex chooses to only see our daughter 3 or 4 times a year. We only live 150 miles apart, he doesn't need to work and does not, has an income of £40k pa, non-mortgaged house, he's older than me, all of which I walked away from with nowt! Now he says he's not gonna pick her up for the half term cos he called and she did not pick up. In these circumstances, at what point is a cricket bat acceptable? "
To the OP:
As a coach I can tell you that if I were coaching you we'd be exploring the fact that you cannot change his behaviour, only your reaction to it. You are angry and hurt but that will not make any difference to him. All you can do is look at how it makes you feel and find a way to move through that to a better place.
For all that, it is your daughter's feelings that matter the most. Have you talked to her and asked her how she feels? Have you told her how you feel?
She may not be as bothered as you are. Will hitting him with a cricket bat help her? Aside from venting your anger will it help you?
You have options in the way you react, it's a question of finding the one that helps you get through your hurt at his despicable behaviour the most.
Good luck x |
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"My ex chooses to only see our daughter 3 or 4 times a year. We only live 150 miles apart, he doesn't need to work and does not, has an income of £40k pa, non-mortgaged house, he's older than me, all of which I walked away from with nowt! Now he says he's not gonna pick her up for the half term cos he called and she did not pick up. In these circumstances, at what point is a cricket bat acceptable? how many mothers out of spite and even badness will not let there kids see there father. i know of two women. "
a lot more than you think
what amuses/annoys me is that the Courts pretend they act in the interest of the kids
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"My ex chooses to only see our daughter 3 or 4 times a year. We only live 150 miles apart, he doesn't need to work and does not, has an income of £40k pa, non-mortgaged house, he's older than me, all of which I walked away from with nowt! Now he says he's not gonna pick her up for the half term cos he called and she did not pick up. In these circumstances, at what point is a cricket bat acceptable? how many mothers out of spite and even badness will not let there kids see there father. i know of two women.
a lot more than you think
what amuses/annoys me is that the Courts pretend they act in the interest of the kids
"
The problem with the courts and cafcass is common sense never comes in to it, its all by the letter of the law!
Perfect example, my ex told my daughter who was 4 at the time that he was going to take her from school and run away with her and she would never see her mum again, from him saying that wouldn't leave my side, even in our house with doors and windows locked, she was scared of school, she began sleep walking, wetting the bed she was a wreck. When we did go out her dad followed us everywhere, he even used to stand outside our house for hours just staring at the house. It got so bad we had to move, move school and change our names. Silly me when we did this i always knew he could get in touch with us via my solicitor. What did the court say when we finally went to court...i over reacted because he didn't have the means to run away with her.
Fuck that! he might not have the means but he turned his 4 year old daughters life upside down, and mine but that's beside the point im an adult i can cope with it, she innocent and didn't deserve any of what he put her through and still to this day puts her through. |
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