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help folks !!!!
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ive been in an abusive marriage ,the sexual abuse being the hardest to come to terms with,
my question for you all is i guy ive known from my past keeps in touch ,he was on my profile but he's left the site ,in touch on another site ,i keep knocking him back cos of him telling me to shave my pussy ,wear stockings no knickers ,what he likes and do stuff he wants just cos he likes it
am i being paranoid cos of my past ??? |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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this is your life OP. if you dont like the people in your past or the way they treat you, sever the ties and have nothing to do with them.
nobody owns you but you.  |
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"ive been in an abusive marriage ,the sexual abuse being the hardest to come to terms with,
my question for you all is i guy ive known from my past keeps in touch ,he was on my profile but he's left the site ,in touch on another site ,i keep knocking him back cos of him telling me to shave my pussy ,wear stockings no knickers ,what he likes and do stuff he wants just cos he likes it
am i being paranoid cos of my past ???"
No you aren't.
Read your post back to yourself, now imagine its someone else saying it to you...what would you advise them to do?
You are worth more than doing things just because a man wants you to, believe that |
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i do but he keeps getting back in touch
wont leave me alone .told him to leave me alone tonite so he tells me to go talk to someone about my past ,thats why i wonder if its me being paranoid cos of what ive been thru |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"You should never do anything that makes you uncomfortable. "
That's buying new shoes out of the equation then.
I'm surprised you're even asking the question. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Personally , if you've come out of an abusive marriage you don't want to be told what to do by another guy. He doesn't sound very understanding. I'd stop replying to his messages & find someone who treats you with the respect you deserve.
Do things for you - not to please others ! You need guys who build on your self-confidence not those who knock it. That's just my opinion . |
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"i do but he keeps getting back in touch
wont leave me alone .told him to leave me alone tonite so he tells me to go talk to someone about my past ,thats why i wonder if its me being paranoid cos of what ive been thru "
Well talking to someone about your past might help you but it needs to be for you not because some guy is using it as a way of implying that you wont do what he wants because of your past. Don't tell him to leave you alone, just don't respond to him again. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"i do but he keeps getting back in touch
wont leave me alone .told him to leave me alone tonite so he tells me to go talk to someone about my past ,thats why i wonder if its me being paranoid cos of what ive been thru "
He isn't being very understanding then trying to force you to do something you don't want to or change for his desires.
Sounds like you need to sever ties with your past and start fresh. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"i do but he keeps getting back in touch
wont leave me alone .told him to leave me alone tonite so he tells me to go talk to someone about my past ,thats why i wonder if its me being paranoid cos of what ive been thru "
He only gets back in touch because you answer him. If you break all contact he will leave you alone. |
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No your not being paranoid, you have come out the other side of a terrible relationship. You are free now to make decisions on what you want & be able to discuss this with a new partner or FB. On the other side of the coin is the fact that being on a site like this, people will sometimes come across as confident & will express what they want too.
So you have to make you decision to tell him straight that you want to be as you are with him accepting it, or walk away & find someone new! xx |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"ive been in an abusive marriage ,the sexual abuse being the hardest to come to terms with,
my question for you all is i guy ive known from my past keeps in touch ,he was on my profile but he's left the site ,in touch on another site ,i keep knocking him back cos of him telling me to shave my pussy ,wear stockings no knickers ,what he likes and do stuff he wants just cos he likes it
am i being paranoid cos of my past ???"
Can you block him on the other site? I haven't been in your position but you don't need this |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"i do but he keeps getting back in touch
wont leave me alone .told him to leave me alone tonite so he tells me to go talk to someone about my past ,thats why i wonder if its me being paranoid cos of what ive been thru "
Tell him enough is enough it sounds to me like he is making you doubt yourself to put you off balance and use that to gain the upper ground.
If in doubt back off. Block him,don't reply do whatever it takes but don't let him push you into things your not comfortable with, good luck x |
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By *igeiaWoman
over a year ago
Bristol |
" Well talking to someone about your past might help you but it needs to be for you not because some guy is using it as a way of implying that you wont do what he wants because of your past. Don't tell him to leave you alone, just don't respond to him again."
 to this. If you do want to talk to someone, talk2gether might be a good place to start? |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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From your message it seems that this guy is only interested in what he wants, sex is supposed to be a mutual pleasure and there are plenty of guys who see it that way. You have already suffered abuse at the hands of one man, if this man makes you feel uncomfortable then rather than knocking him back tell him you are not interested. You weren't put on this earth just to pleasure guys, concentrate on finding what you want. |
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"i do but he keeps getting back in touch
wont leave me alone .told him to leave me alone tonite so he tells me to go talk to someone about my past ,thats why i wonder if its me being paranoid cos of what ive been thru
He only gets back in touch because you answer him. If you break all contact he will leave you alone. "
This.
Also, not moulding yourself to what HE wants you to be doesn't make you paranoid.
Past or not, you are who you are and you have every right to stay that way if you want to.
If Vince started telling me to dye my hair blonde or telling me what to wear, ect, I'd tell him to go fuck himself.
- Amy. x |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"i do but he keeps getting back in touch
wont leave me alone .told him to leave me alone tonite so he tells me to go talk to someone about my past ,thats why i wonder if its me being paranoid cos of what ive been thru "
I think he has a valid point about speaking to someone. But, and it's a huge but, his motives are totally wrong it just sounds like it's so he can get what he wants and isn;t being suggested from neither a compassionate or suppoprtive perspective.
To be honest you portray him as controlling and selfish. And those are traits are ones I'd advise anyone to avoid |
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By *ee VianteWoman
over a year ago
Somewhere in North Norfolk |
"i do but he keeps getting back in touch
wont leave me alone .told him to leave me alone tonite so he tells me to go talk to someone about my past ,thats why i wonder if its me being paranoid cos of what ive been thru "
Don't reply to him. Don't even read his messages. Block him and report him on the other site if that's possible. Ignore him completely. |
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i do block him and his emails but he texts me ,yes he can be controlling and selfish and yes i am doubting myself ,been told what to wear ,how to have your hair and what to do when your on a meet by your hubby is making me not want to be told what to wear by a guy from a swing site ,thats why i asked cos i thought i was just me having a hard time recovering from the past |
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By *ee VianteWoman
over a year ago
Somewhere in North Norfolk |
"i do block him and his emails but he texts me ,yes he can be controlling and selfish and yes i am doubting myself ,been told what to wear ,how to have your hair and what to do when your on a meet by your hubby is making me not want to be told what to wear by a guy from a swing site ,thats why i asked cos i thought i was just me having a hard time recovering from the past "
Ignore him. Do not read his texts. See if there is an app to block his texts. Tell him to stop sodding well texting or you'll report him to your service provider for harassment and have them block him. And then keep ignoring him.
He's bothering you because you reply to him. He probably thinks there's a chance he can win you round or you're playing hard to get or something.
Ignore him. He will get bored. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Take control of the situation and don't be another mans victim. You're asking the question, doesn't that tell you enough?
We don't listen to our instincts readily enough.
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"i do block him and his emails but he texts me ,yes he can be controlling and selfish and yes i am doubting myself ,been told what to wear ,how to have your hair and what to do when your on a meet by your hubby is making me not want to be told what to wear by a guy from a swing site ,thats why i asked cos i thought i was just me having a hard time recovering from the past "
You provably are having a hard time but that's no reason for him to be pushy and controlling.
I have never been in an abusive relationship but if a man started telling me how to look etc I'd tell him to fuck off.
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Morning... I was also in a verbally and controlling relationship for 21 yrs. I was always told i was fat and to change my hair colour, clothes etc. He used to compare me to an ex who Aparently used to up for him.
After finally waking up i left him and it's been long journey but now three years on, I realise I should only do wear things that I want!!
I will admit councelling did help me greatly they made me see it was him with the problem and not me!!
Hunni, please get this person out of your life as there are some people out there want you as you are and will not insist on things that are not comfortable with.
Women like us do tend to make the same mistakes over and again unless we admit and see that we are beautiful just as we are and don't need anyone telling us what to do, wear, change etc!
Sorry for the long message, but this really upsets me when I see someone being treated like this.
Find someone who likes you for YOU!
HUGS XX |
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"i do block him and his emails but he texts me ,yes he can be controlling and selfish and yes i am doubting myself ,been told what to wear ,how to have your hair and what to do when your on a meet by your hubby is making me not want to be told what to wear by a guy from a swing site ,thats why i asked cos i thought i was just me having a hard time recovering from the past
Ignore him. Do not read his texts. See if there is an app to block his texts. Tell him to stop sodding well texting or you'll report him to your service provider for harassment and have them block him. And then keep ignoring him.
He's bothering you because you reply to him. He probably thinks there's a chance he can win you round or you're playing hard to get or something.
Ignore him. He will get bored."
Download Mr Number and use it to block his number. You can also block withheld numbers so he can't contact you that way.
Consider changing your number do he definitely can't contact you.
He's the one with the problem - he's been told no and blocked by various methods but persists in trying to contact and control you, he's a twisted and broken person. |
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"i do block him and his emails but he texts me ,yes he can be controlling and selfish and yes i am doubting myself ,been told what to wear ,how to have your hair and what to do when your on a meet by your hubby is making me not want to be told what to wear by a guy from a swing site ,thats why i asked cos i thought i was just me having a hard time recovering from the past "
You have said quite clearly in the forums and in your profile that you aren't meeting, has anything changed?
This is not meant to be harsh but for your own self esteem and emotional safety you need to stick to decisions that YOU have made and let go of the idea that a man will know you better than you know yourself.
All of us are advising you to walk away.....but you still wonder if it's you not him.....it's him trust us.
Stick around in the forums, let yourself heal and believe that you don't need a man telling you how to act. |
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I think there are apps you can get on most phones now to block numbers and if it's a current iPhone you can do it straight from the contact list.
Having been in a relationship like that I now feel confident that I can spot the difference between playful and controlling... I've had meets on here where they asked me to wear/do certain things but it's all been in the spirit of the meet and I know they wouldn't get shitty if I'd of said no. That's the difference.
My ex was controlling and abusive and saying no to him would set me up for a whole load of trouble. |
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He sounds like a coercive manipulator who does not have your best interests at heart. When we have had experience thats been ongoing for some time we need to break the patterns ourselves. Often it can be very alluring to repeat stuff we have done, almost compulsive. It seems you have let go of one bastard, and it would be tragic having another one abuse you. Accept that you are vulnerable and must stick for now with people in your life who are supportive 100% of your best interests. Any less is not good enough. Rebuild your self esteem and confidence however you can. Allow yourself to only have the fun thats right for you. It is better to be alone than have anyone who will degrade your spirit any further. For sex, stick with guys who have a complete need to ensure that your sexual fulfilment is what matters to them - there are many around. Outline your needs and meet socially-only, until you are sure that someone is compatible. Block anyone who attempts anyhow to pull you down, or push you into doing anything that is not your desire. If you notice anything happening anytime that is similar to your past, be honest with yourself, stop it and move on. Good luck! |
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"ive been in an abusive marriage ,the sexual abuse being the hardest to come to terms with,
my question for you all is i guy ive known from my past keeps in touch ,he was on my profile but he's left the site ,in touch on another site ,i keep knocking him back cos of him telling me to shave my pussy ,wear stockings no knickers ,what he likes and do stuff he wants just cos he likes it
am i being paranoid cos of my past ???"
He met you on a sex contact site and approaches you on that basis.
If you don't want this man to ask for what he wants...... STOP TALKING TO HIM.
Don't reply with ......oooooo I do but he messaged again ....... JUST DONT TAlK TO HIM.
When he realises he isn't getting sex. He'll stop the contact.
There's no love in it. Trust me.
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"He sounds like a coercive manipulator who does not have your best interests at heart. When we have had experience thats been ongoing for some time we need to break the patterns ourselves. Often it can be very alluring to repeat stuff we have done, almost compulsive. It seems you have let go of one bastard, and it would be tragic having another one abuse you. Accept that you are vulnerable and must stick for now with people in your life who are supportive 100% of your best interests. Any less is not good enough. Rebuild your self esteem and confidence however you can. Allow yourself to only have the fun thats right for you. It is better to be alone than have anyone who will degrade your spirit any further. For sex, stick with guys who have a complete need to ensure that your sexual fulfilment is what matters to them - there are many around. Outline your needs and meet socially-only, until you are sure that someone is compatible. Block anyone who attempts anyhow to pull you down, or push you into doing anything that is not your desire. If you notice anything happening anytime that is similar to your past, be honest with yourself, stop it and move on. Good luck!"
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Morning... I was also in a verbally and controlling relationship for 21 yrs. I was always told i was fat and to change my hair colour, clothes etc. He used to compare me to an ex who Aparently used to up for him.
After finally waking up i left him and it's been long journey but now three years on, I realise I should only do wear things that I want!!
I will admit councelling did help me greatly they made me see it was him with the problem and not me!!
Hunni, please get this person out of your life as there are some people out there want you as you are and will not insist on things that are not comfortable with.
Women like us do tend to make the same mistakes over and again unless we admit and see that we are beautiful just as we are and don't need anyone telling us what to do, wear, change etc!
Sorry for the long message, but this really upsets me when I see someone being treated like this.
Find someone who likes you for YOU!
HUGS XX"
I (mrs) can totally relate to this, I was in a mentally abusive marriage for 12 years and now 2 years down the line since splitting up I am with the most fantastic man who builds me up every day and makes me feel special, don't give up hope you will find someone who respects and loves you for you xxx |
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By *icketysplitsWoman
over a year ago
Way over Yonder, that's where I'm bound |
I was in a controlling and abusive relationship a very long time ago. It was my first relationship and although I ended it after the sexual violation I found myself repeatedly choosing the bad boys in one way or another for many years. Each one was a little less bad than the one before.
I broke my pattern by recognising that I had to change me and make choices that would be healthier for me.
OP, you have described living with abuse for a long time. Other posts indicate depression and self esteem issues. Work on you. Get some counselling.
Ignore the fuckwit controlling bastard. Just because you had sex doesn't mean you owe him anything.
Make you your priority. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Don't allow yourself to be controlled any more. Nobody owns you,do what pleases you. If he doesn't like it tell him it's not going to work and goodbye. Be firm and lay down your rules |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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i wouldnt have anything to do with him.
my hubby used to tell me to wear vests but i was too self consious to wear them so i didnt. he said other men would look at me but i didnt want them too. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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You're not being paranoid!!
You do what you are comfy with , don't ever let anyone push you into doing or wearing something you don't like.
I very rarely wear stocking as I'm uncomfortable in them, a lot do assume we all wear them, so for this reason I always make any meets aware that I won't be wearing them.
I dress for me not for others |
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thanks guys ,ive known this guy 3 yrs before my marriage break up the more i knock him back the more he comes back ,he knows what ive been thru as he met my ex
for me a lot of the stuff touches on sexual abuse in my mind thats why i thought i was paranoid , i came on a site to meet guys for company and sex so they cant control me and tell me what to do x |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"thanks guys ,ive known this guy 3 yrs before my marriage break up the more i knock him back the more he comes back ,he knows what ive been thru as he met my ex
for me a lot of the stuff touches on sexual abuse in my mind thats why i thought i was paranoid , i came on a site to meet guys for company and sex so they cant control me and tell me what to do x"
if hes asking you to do this now, what will he be like further down the line ask yourself?
if a man likes you it should be for YOU |
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"thanks guys ,ive known this guy 3 yrs before my marriage break up the more i knock him back the more he comes back ,he knows what ive been thru as he met my ex
for me a lot of the stuff touches on sexual abuse in my mind thats why i thought i was paranoid , i came on a site to meet guys for company and sex so they cant control me and tell me what to do x"
The one thing that stands out for me is that you say you are on a site to meet guys for company and sex. As I said before you clearly say on your profile and have said in the forums that you aren't meeting anyone. You need to be clear in your own mind before you engage with others or you will be sending mixed messages. You MUST take responsibility for yourself and the way you engage with people. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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It strikes me that you need to work on your acertiveness. To do this you will probably need professional help.
Passive personalities are often attracted to more acertive types but this can be toxic and bad for both, since it brings out the worst traits in each party.
Seek professional help. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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i keep reading this and im tempted to say hes harassing you - if you do as others have said and give nothing back at all and he carries on id be thinking along the lines of reporting him to authorities - hes a pest |
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"thanks guys ,ive known this guy 3 yrs before my marriage break up the more i knock him back the more he comes back ,he knows what ive been thru as he met my ex
for me a lot of the stuff touches on sexual abuse in my mind thats why i thought i was paranoid , i came on a site to meet guys for company and sex so they cant control me and tell me what to do x
The one thing that stands out for me is that you say you are on a site to meet guys for company and sex. As I said before you clearly say on your profile and have said in the forums that you aren't meeting anyone. You need to be clear in your own mind before you engage with others or you will be sending mixed messages. You MUST take responsibility for yourself and the way you engage with people."
that is the reason i joined these sites but for now i not meet anyone so that i can clear my head a bit xx |
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"i keep reading this and im tempted to say hes harassing you - if you do as others have said and give nothing back at all and he carries on id be thinking along the lines of reporting him to authorities - hes a pest"
i sent him a cpl of messages last night and he hasnt replied so hoepfully he's got the message but he does that and gets back in touch weeks later xx |
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By *iewMan
over a year ago
Forum Mod Angus & Findhorn |
"i keep reading this and im tempted to say hes harassing you - if you do as others have said and give nothing back at all and he carries on id be thinking along the lines of reporting him to authorities - hes a pest
i sent him a cpl of messages last night and he hasnt replied so hoepfully he's got the message but he does that and gets back in touch weeks later xx"
just block him if the friendship is bringing unwanted drama into your life.
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"i sent him a cpl of messages last night and he hasnt replied so hoepfully he's got the message but he does that and gets back in touch weeks later xx"
Why? Keep feeding him the attention and he'll keep coming back because he knows how to get a reaction out of you.
Don't bother messaging or responding to him. You've said it once and if he carries on, go to the police.
Delete any messages that come through without reading or responding to them and he will soon get bored. x |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"i keep reading this and im tempted to say hes harassing you - if you do as others have said and give nothing back at all and he carries on id be thinking along the lines of reporting him to authorities - hes a pest
i sent him a cpl of messages last night and he hasnt replied so hoepfully he's got the message but he does that and gets back in touch weeks later xx"
If you keep responding, he'll keep messaging!! Delete, block and move on!! |
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i messaged him before i asked for advice, it was what he said about seeking help about my ex that made me think i was the one thats wrong x
now i can see im not so i know where to go from here ,thanks again folks |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"i messaged him before i asked for advice, it was what he said about seeking help about my ex that made me think i was the one thats wrong x
now i can see im not so i know where to go from here ,thanks again folks "
you should not have to ask him before you do things ? you are your own person . |
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"thanks guys ,ive known this guy 3 yrs before my marriage break up the more i knock him back the more he comes back ,he knows what ive been thru as he met my ex
for me a lot of the stuff touches on sexual abuse in my mind thats why i thought i was paranoid , i came on a site to meet guys for company and sex so they cant control me and tell me what to do x
The one thing that stands out for me is that you say you are on a site to meet guys for company and sex. As I said before you clearly say on your profile and have said in the forums that you aren't meeting anyone. You need to be clear in your own mind before you engage with others or you will be sending mixed messages. You MUST take responsibility for yourself and the way you engage with people.that is the reason i joined these sites but for now i not meet anyone so that i can clear my head a bit xx"
I am honestly not being harsh here but can you see how you might be giving out a mixed message? You are saying to us that you aren't meeting anyone but you're engaging with this guy enough for him to be suggesting things of a sexual nature to you. |
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