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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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I work hard all week.
Well I work, let's leave it at that. Once I finish work I usually go and ogle women in tight Lycra during various gym classes. I eat rabbit food to ensure I can still get into the sort of clothes I want to wear.
And every Friday at lunchtime, as a reward for being such a boring health conscious bint I allow myself a big fat treat.
Occasionally an all day breakfast, sometimes a double bacon and runny egg roll. Last Friday it was the turn of the Haggis pasty. There's a shop in town that makes them and they are lovely. Just nicely spiced, well filled without an excess of pastry.
So I bought it and walked out the shop and down the alleyway next to it where I had my first bite of heaven. As I emerged the other side of the alley I felt something brush my head, and as I looked up a massive shitehawk took my pasty out of my unresisting hands and fucked off down the street with it!
Then the devil bird dropped it once it got too hot for it's massive evil beak. So I had to go pick it up and itt it in the bin before a horde of the unbelieveable bastards descended.
And as I was being effectively robbed in the street, I exclaimed "for fuck sake!", for which I was told off by a couple pushing a baby in a pram! I didn't know how to respond to this and found myself unusually speechless.
And the worst bit is, I'd bought the last haggis pasty. But the man in the shop did give me a pound off a Cornish one on hearing my tale of woe, but it was a poor substitute. But he did say I wasn't the first one to get mugged in such a way. So I wouldn't be surprised if he doesn't employ them. Come to think of it, his shop isn't doing too badly....
I digress...so looking into this and apparently it's illegal to kill them, even though they are classed as vermin. A bit like the conservatives. Hang on.....are they conservatives? Pasty tax......bird nicks my pasty.......fuck, we're beyond the looking glass here people.
So in conclusion, seagulls are large evil pasty robbing spare room taxing bastards and just like conservatives serve no purpose in the real world and the hunting of which should not only be legalized but actively encouraged as a public service. And people with children, upon seeing someone mugged in the street your first reaction should not be to tell the victim to mind his language. It should be to buy him another fucking pasty with some of your tax credits.
Apologies if this is below par but you voted for it! The wedding rant would have been better. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Many years ago, myself and a gf were in the line eagerly waiting to wrestle our way to the front of the stage for a Tina Turner concert. Whilst waiting patiently there was a low fly by from a seagull and as it swooped skywards the fucker shat on my head. How I wish id had a fucking alkersalzer tablet to give it. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Jodie, I adore you 
The seagulls in Aberystwyth are the biggest b*****ds I've ever seen. Last summer I watched one swoop down and pinch a huge piece of fish from this poor holidaymakers fish and chip box. I'm sorry to say but I laughed out loud  if people stopped feeding the sods they'd be fine  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Oh Jodie, the trauma this little feathered bastard must have caused. Shoot em all!
Love the rant, just about perfect balance of eloquence and venom. For that, I salute you. |
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When I had my used car lot we would wash and leather every car first thing in the morning then retire into the office for a coffee. Almost every day, before the kettle had boiled, a grey and white monster would empty its arse while skwarking loudly, usually while flying at high speed so it got more than one car.
After a while we noticed a pattern developing. They only dumped on BLUE cars and never red ones. So while I would agree with the OP comparing them to politicians, I think the ones around Blackpool must have been Labour supporters, which stands to reason really. The Labour party always makes a lot of noise while it's shitting on you. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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In my travels this week I will try to find a haggis pasty and personally deliver it to you - please feel free to swipe, shoot, kick, punch, or (insert word of your choice as you're far more eloquent than me) the mile long line of vermin following me from the South Coast xxx   |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"In my travels this week I will try to find a haggis pasty and personally deliver it to you - please feel free to swipe, shoot, kick, punch, or (insert word of your choice as you're far more eloquent than me) the mile long line of vermin following me from the South Coast xxx "
on ya way up, drop us one in Stoke. I'll put the kettle on |
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The trouble with gulls is that their flesh is tainted with the crap they eat! So if you did shoot one they're no good for eating. 
You have to trap and purge them before you can eat one, and who wants a gull in a cage for a week or more? |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Sorry to hear you lost your pasty. Have you read the tale of Jonathan Livingston Seagull? Not all seagulls like their life. Some have aspirations above pasty pinching |
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