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I just need advice please
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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My ex has said that he is having to go into a hostel at the end of the month as his so called friend who he shares a flat and has a joint tenancy with hasn't been paying his rent so they are being evicted the thing is hw has asked to come and live here sleep on my couch, we broke up because he was violent and controlling but my son wants him to stay but I have told my ex no, was I right |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"My ex has said that he is having to go into a hostel at the end of the month as his so called friend who he shares a flat and has a joint tenancy with hasn't been paying his rent so they are being evicted the thing is hw has asked to come and live here sleep on my couch, we broke up because he was violent and controlling but my son wants him to stay but I have told my ex no, was I right"
Only you can decide that in your heart.
I am sure loads of people will give you advice, but at the end of the day it's your life, and you need to ake that decision |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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The decision has to be yours ultimately but if he has as you mentioned violent and aggressive tendencies then you may be doing your son a favour by saying no |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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A friend of mine let his ex move into his flat with 2kids and a dog.
He moved into lounge, bed everything. She was in bedroom with all her stuff and 2 kids. Didn't bother registering homeles, but claimed housing benefit, trashed the rooms, didn't clean.
the only way he could get rid was to terminate his tenancy and the council evicted her.. 
Your choice. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Just another thought, for the future good of your family!
As much as your son might want him there (and maybe idolises his dad a bit) it's not good for your son to see you seemingly accepting that behaviour or seeing that behaviour first hand.
Having him back might be like saying it's alright.
I wish you strength. x. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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you split up for a reason, and that reason should be enough to keep you apart.
offer support if you feel obligated, but, and im always telling V this, dont let your children tell you how to run your own home.
you are the adult and you make the decisions you feel are best for all concerned.
ateotd you are the one that will have to live with the concequences, not kiddy, and definitely not daddy |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"you split up for a reason, and that reason should be enough to keep you apart.
offer support if you feel obligated, but, and im always telling V this, dont let your children tell you how to run your own home.
you are the adult and you make the decisions you feel are best for all concerned.
ateotd you are the one that will have to live with the concequences, not kiddy, and definitely not daddy"
Thank you xx |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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My stepdaughter ended up in hospital at the hands of her ex, he was violent and abusive and she let him back in,for different reasons and nearly regretted it for the rest of her life. He's your ex for a reason so I would say a BIG no, your son will get over the disappointment but it would be massively harder for you if it went wrong..Good luck |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"no... not someone thats been violent..
look after yourself and your son..
2 people die every day through domestic violence...x  "
how?
surely they would only die once?
i know, i know, dont make light of DV.
but im not, its the quote.
(on a serious note, is that world wide or UK?) |
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"I have told him not but I don't know how my son will react "
Who is in charge of your household? Much as you might like to let your son have his say it is not a democracy.
There are reasons why your ex is your ex and they are beyond the usual "we've grown apart"
Your decision, but it is yours and not your sons. |
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"no... not someone thats been violent..
look after yourself and your son..
2 people die every day through domestic violence...x
how?
surely they would only die once?
i know, i know, dont make light of DV.
but im not, its the quote.
(on a serious note, is that world wide or UK?)"
UK....DV is on the rise so much so it's top of central government agenda |
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By *inaTitzTV/TS
over a year ago
Titz Towers, North Notts |
It's an awful choice to have to make, but I think in the circs, I'd say no. I don't think I'd feel happy about the decision, but I don't believe there is a happy answer on this one. |
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"My ex has said that he is having to go into a hostel at the end of the month as his so called friend who he shares a flat and has a joint tenancy with hasn't been paying his rent so they are being evicted the thing is hw has asked to come and live here sleep on my couch, we broke up because he was violent and controlling but my son wants him to stay but I have told my ex no, was I right"
You're right to say no, he shouldn't have involved your child - that's emotional blackmail - stick to your guns, take care x Z |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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I have made my decision and I can't absolutely no way let him back w butt all you guys are absolutely fantastic thank you so much xx just needed for others to say what I was thinking xxxx l |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Having a violent controlling man in your home where you son is... Nightmare waiting to happen.
Hope you make the right dicision for you and your child. An EX is an EX for very good reasons! |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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It takes strength and courage to end an abusive relationship so hold on to that strength now and don't give in. Ask yourself is this the role model you want your son to look up to and follow? Your son might not understand your decision right now but one day he will be mature enough to understand your reasons.
Just a thought but from what you have written you only have your ex partner's word for the reasons for the eviction. Men/women who are controlling are very adept at manipulating people's emotions to get what they want.
All the best, take care and stay safe, your son needs you in his life. x |
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"no... not someone thats been violent..
look after yourself and your son..
2 people die every day through domestic violence...x
how?
surely they would only die once?
i know, i know, dont make light of DV.
but im not, its the quote.
(on a serious note, is that world wide or UK?)"
you dont understand that two people die every day of domestic violence ?..
its not difficult...
and thats in britain was on some news thing the other day.. |
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"no... not someone thats been violent..
look after yourself and your son..
2 people die every day through domestic violence...x
how?
surely they would only die once?
i know, i know, dont make light of DV.
but im not, its the quote.
(on a serious note, is that world wide or UK?)
you dont understand that two people die every day of domestic violence ?..
its not difficult...
and thats in britain was on some news thing the other day.."
you're dead right with your stats:
In 2010/2011, an average of 2 women a week were killed by a male and/or former partner: this constituted around one-third of all female homicide victims (Smith, Osborne, Lau, & Britton, 2012). This finding is consistent with previous years (Department of Health, 2005; Home Office, 1999; Povey, 2004, 2005).
Z |
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if he has been violent , controlling and manipulative in the past i would be seriously ask myself why he has got your son to express his wishes to you regarding this matter ..manipulation perhaps ....alarm bells would be ringing for me !! ...wish you luck whatever you decide |
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By *litterbabeWoman
over a year ago
hiding from cock pics. |
"I have made my decision and I can't absolutely no way let him back w butt all you guys are absolutely fantastic thank you so much xx just needed for others to say what I was thinking xxxx l"
I bet you feel relieved now you have made your desicion, strong woman.
He will be ok and so will you xxxx |
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"I have made my decision and I can't absolutely no way let him back w butt all you guys are absolutely fantastic thank you so much xx just needed for others to say what I was thinking xxxx l
I bet you feel relieved now you have made your desicion, strong woman.
He will be ok and so will you xxxx"
We all need that extra bit of reassurance sometimes, good luck Z |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"I have made my decision and I can't absolutely no way let him back w butt all you guys are absolutely fantastic thank you so much xx just needed for others to say what I was thinking xxxx l
I bet you feel relieved now you have made your desicion, strong woman.
He will be ok and so will you xxxx
We all need that extra bit of reassurance sometimes, good luck Z"
It's lovely to have such lovely people on there xxc |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"no... not someone thats been violent..
look after yourself and your son..
2 people die every day through domestic violence...x
how?
surely they would only die once?
i know, i know, dont make light of DV.
but im not, its the quote.
(on a serious note, is that world wide or UK?)
you dont understand that two people die every day of domestic violence ?..
its not difficult...
and thats in britain was on some news thing the other day.."
who says i dont understand it????
i was being sarcastic, then asked a serious question.
i have no doubt the figure is accurate, i just wondered if it were here or worldwide |
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"no... not someone thats been violent..
look after yourself and your son..
2 people die every day through domestic violence...x
how?
surely they would only die once?
i know, i know, dont make light of DV.
but im not, its the quote.
(on a serious note, is that world wide or UK?)
you dont understand that two people die every day of domestic violence ?..
its not difficult...
and thats in britain was on some news thing the other day..
who says i dont understand it????
i was being sarcastic, then asked a serious question.
i have no doubt the figure is accurate, i just wondered if it were here or worldwide"
lol - world wide? if only - 2 a day is too many but if it was 2 worldwide that would be amazing. Z |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"if he has been violent , controlling and manipulative in the past i would be seriously ask myself why he has got your son to express his wishes to you regarding this matter ..manipulation perhaps ....alarm bells would be ringing for me !! ...wish you luck whatever you decide "
Very good point!  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Keeping your child and yourself psychologically as well as physically safe from harm should be your main priority. Mental abuse is just as bad as physical so please don't be manipulated by this person. Your son will thank you one day for not allowing a man who once terrorised both him and his mother back into their home. As a mother it is our responsibility to teach our sons that women must be treated with dignity and respect. Keep well xxxx |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Your ex isn't your responsibility any more, you've said no to him! He has said it may only be for a couple of nights, but what if that turns into weeks or even months?
At the end of the day only you can decide... Just go with your gut feeling  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"no... not someone thats been violent..
look after yourself and your son..
2 people die every day through domestic violence...x
how?
surely they would only die once?
i know, i know, dont make light of DV.
but im not, its the quote.
(on a serious note, is that world wide or UK?)
you dont understand that two people die every day of domestic violence ?..
its not difficult...
and thats in britain was on some news thing the other day..
who says i dont understand it????
i was being sarcastic, then asked a serious question.
i have no doubt the figure is accurate, i just wondered if it were here or worldwide
lol - world wide? if only - 2 a day is too many but if it was 2 worldwide that would be amazing. Z"
i know, thats why i asked |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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You've definitely done the right thing.
Are you able to compromise with your son by saying you'll support his Dad (keeping any access visits he has etc) but explain that you can't have him back in the house?
Not sure how old your son is or what he knows about the reasons you split, but if he does know then maybe he needs a little reminder that it's probably not a good thing coming to stay! |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I have made my decision and I can't absolutely no way let him back w butt all you guys are absolutely fantastic thank you so much xx just needed for others to say what I was thinking xxxx l
I bet you feel relieved now you have made your desicion, strong woman.
He will be ok and so will you xxxx
We all need that extra bit of reassurance sometimes, good luck Z
It's lovely to have such lovely people on there xxc"
Under no circumstances allow this man back in your life. The fact is he will never change |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I agree with the sentiments expressed by everyone on this thread.
It is emotional blackmail for him to use your son to influence you into letting him stay.
you've managed to get him out of your life before and that must have taken strength and courage. If he stays it may be hard to get him to leave again. Your son will accept your decision eventually and it is the best one for him in the long term  |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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I would just like to thank everyone i have made the decision not to allow him to move in I couldn't cope with going to back how I felt when we were married as for my son who is 20 he will understand why I have come to the decision and realise what a controlling manipulate person his father really is xx |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"My ex has said that he is having to go into a hostel at the end of the month as his so called friend who he shares a flat and has a joint tenancy with hasn't been paying his rent so they are being evicted the thing is hw has asked to come and live here sleep on my couch, we broke up because he was violent and controlling but my son wants him to stay but I have told my ex no, was I right"
Personally - I don't think you should let your ex move in. Tough I know as you have a son together , but you need to keep yourself safe. As others have said - he's an ex for a reason!
However - re him being evicted. Is there anyway he cAn pay towards the rent arrears to stop the eviction? I'm not sure if it's a private tenancy or social housing one. If it's a private one - has he approached his Local Authority for housing advice? Has he been to the CAB too ?
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I think so x stick to your decisions with a clear head x you are not responsible for his mess ups however unfortunate he is .
explaining that to son is tough cos he so young x ((((hugs)))) |
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By *imwildWoman
over a year ago
around |
Isn't it amazing that 'men' with violent and controlling attitudes towards women aren't able to control their own lives. Im assuming this so called mate is a male too. If keeping the roof over my head was dependant on another person then I'd make sure (not violent)that person was keeping their part of the bargain too.
As for your son. He's an adult and should respect your decisions otherwise you are teaching him to be just like his father by using manipulation (bullying tactics) to get his own way. Thankfully you have decided against. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"My ex has said that he is having to go into a hostel at the end of the month as his so called friend who he shares a flat and has a joint tenancy with hasn't been paying his rent so they are being evicted the thing is hw has asked to come and live here sleep on my couch, we broke up because he was violent and controlling but my son wants him to stay but I have told my ex no, was I right"
Only you can make that call go with your gut |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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You should not take him back at all, your away from him now, i work with women that haven't been as lucky. He will never change a cpl of days and youl be back to the same as it was. Once your out stay out x |
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By *B9 QueenWoman
over a year ago
Over the rainbow, under the bridge |
"My ex has said that he is having to go into a hostel at the end of the month as his so called friend who he shares a flat and has a joint tenancy with hasn't been paying his rent so they are being evicted the thing is hw has asked to come and live here sleep on my couch, we broke up because he was violent and controlling but my son wants him to stay but I have told my ex no, was I right"
He was violent towards you. Therefore, it's a no - brainer. I wouldn't have him in my house. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"Thank you all for your advice there is no way he is coming back xx
Just read the thread. I think that's the right decision. Stay strong and good luck  "
Thanks and I will x |
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