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The 'Does my bum look big' question
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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There is a woman at work who happens to be a very large lady....I would guess a size 22 maybe...
Now thats just a fact. Not a judgement.
However she comes into my office a couple of days ago and has her teenage daughter with her...who is very slim.
Yesterday...she says to me..'Dont you think my daughter is very different from me...her fat ugly mum?'
I honestly didnt know how to respond! Why would she say that? Obviously I cant pretend she is slim like her daughter because she isn't! As for whether she is ugly or not....well thats in the eye of the beholder.
It was like asking the 'does my bum look big' question! What did she hope I would say????
Awkward! Fortunately....a colleague interrupted us so I managed to get out of answering at all but why do people do that???
I actually don't give her physical appearance any thought at all! She is a colleague...I dont judge her by her size but I felt really put on the spot!
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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You should have asked her if she too was slim as a teen.
If she had responded yes. You should then have said to the daughter "now you know".
If she responded no then say, I wouldn't have guessed. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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I have had dealings with her before when she was very rude to some colleagues. It was again....a sensitivity to her weight as she had a go at two colleagues who sat together in a chair that is actually designed for one larger person. So she said she was offended they did that! They hadn't said a word to her . They were just sitting in a chair chatting!
She actually draws more attention to her weight .....which is obviously an issue for her....by this behaviour. I do wish people would deal with their issues or at least be honest and ask for help if they feel they need it.....rather than project onto others to make them feel bad. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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To be honest I would of took it as an indirect comment on her being proud of her daughter.
I have said it as " off the cuff " about myself.
Every mother wants her daughter to be better than them.
I know I do, and she is.
Nette  |
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"To be honest I would of took it as an indirect comment on her being proud of her daughter.
I have said it as " off the cuff " about myself.
Every mother wants her daughter to be better than them.
I know I do, and she is.
Nette "
Yes, I would have responded with a compliment to the daughter I think - it sounded like me to be angling for 'Yes, isn't she a beauty' or somesuch. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"To be honest I would of took it as an indirect comment on her being proud of her daughter.
I have said it as " off the cuff " about myself.
Every mother wants her daughter to be better than them.
I know I do, and she is.
Nette "
I am sure she is! But she didnt say it when her daughter was there and I was caught on the hop a bit! I felt that if I had said anything...it would have been wrong. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"To be honest I would of took it as an indirect comment on her being proud of her daughter.
I have said it as " off the cuff " about myself.
Every mother wants her daughter to be better than them.
I know I do, and she is.
Nette
I am sure she is! But she didnt say it when her daughter was there and I was caught on the hop a bit! I felt that if I had said anything...it would have been wrong."
welcome to a mans world lol.
hopefully, now you have had an insight, you will think twice before asking a bloke those loaded questions lol |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"To be honest I would of took it as an indirect comment on her being proud of her daughter.
I have said it as " off the cuff " about myself.
Every mother wants her daughter to be better than them.
I know I do, and she is.
Nette
Yes, I would have responded with a compliment to the daughter I think - it sounded like me to be angling for 'Yes, isn't she a beauty' or somesuch."
And then she would have replied 'Are you saying I am not then'?
Lol....I wouldnt have won either way! If she is proud of her daughter then she can just say that! I felt her comment was manipulative to be honest. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"To be honest I would of took it as an indirect comment on her being proud of her daughter.
I have said it as " off the cuff " about myself.
Every mother wants her daughter to be better than them.
I know I do, and she is.
Nette
I am sure she is! But she didnt say it when her daughter was there and I was caught on the hop a bit! I felt that if I had said anything...it would have been wrong.
welcome to a mans world lol.
hopefully, now you have had an insight, you will think twice before asking a bloke those loaded questions lol"
Lol....I dont ask those questions actually because its obvious why people do that....deep rooted in security which we all suffer from at times but we dont all put it on public display to make others feel bad. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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She sounds very bitter. You can't win with people like that. No matter what you say she will no doubt take offence to it. Best to smile and change the subject. Don't answer her question. |
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"To be honest I would of took it as an indirect comment on her being proud of her daughter.
I have said it as " off the cuff " about myself.
Every mother wants her daughter to be better than them.
I know I do, and she is.
Nette
Yes, I would have responded with a compliment to the daughter I think - it sounded like me to be angling for 'Yes, isn't she a beauty' or somesuch.
And then she would have replied 'Are you saying I am not then'?
Lol....I wouldnt have won either way! If she is proud of her daughter then she can just say that! I felt her comment was manipulative to be honest. "
Oh I didn't realise she wasn't there, odd. Well, I would have probably just said 'Aw shame!' and laughed it off. If someone tries to manipulate me, I simply will not collude. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"She sounds very bitter. You can't win with people like that. No matter what you say she will no doubt take offence to it. Best to smile and change the subject. Don't answer her question. "
 Good advice! |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I love loaded questions/comments. I'd have agreed with her that she's fat and ugly and that her daughter was nothing like her, surely she couldn't have done a great deal if you were agreeing with her... |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"To be honest I would of took it as an indirect comment on her being proud of her daughter.
I have said it as " off the cuff " about myself.
Every mother wants her daughter to be better than them.
I know I do, and she is.
Nette Just jokingly say don't beat yourself up, followed by oh to be young eh, something simple.
I am sure she is! But she didnt say it when her daughter was there and I was caught on the hop a bit! I felt that if I had said anything...it would have been wrong."
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"To be honest I would of took it as an indirect comment on her being proud of her daughter.
I have said it as " off the cuff " about myself.
Every mother wants her daughter to be better than them.
I know I do, and she is.
Nette
Yes, I would have responded with a compliment to the daughter I think - it sounded like me to be angling for 'Yes, isn't she a beauty' or somesuch.
And then she would have replied 'Are you saying I am not then'?
Lol....I wouldnt have won either way! If she is proud of her daughter then she can just say that! I felt her comment was manipulative to be honest.
Oh I didn't realise she wasn't there, odd. Well, I would have probably just said 'Aw shame!' and laughed it off. If someone tries to manipulate me, I simply will not collude."
I didn't realise the daughter wasn't there either. I have said it in my daughters presence, bit different now
Nette |
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"She sounds very bitter. You can't win with people like that. No matter what you say she will no doubt take offence to it. Best to smile and change the subject. Don't answer her question. "
I agree, I think we all know or work with someone like this. My other personal dislike is people who hide an insult in a compliment eg skinny bitch or brainy cow. Almost impossible to object to. |
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"I love loaded questions/comments. I'd have agreed with her that she's fat and ugly and that her daughter was nothing like her, surely she couldn't have done a great deal if you were agreeing with her..."
She could do a great deal. She could wither even further inside. |
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Anyone read 'The Unintentional Asshole?'
or similar...
It's easy to recoil from what others say and do and attempt to justify your own responses as the right responses.
I smell someone seeking approval for the things they couldn't handle.
Most times being embarassed or feeling awkward is down to the self. Not others. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I would have thrown the question back at her and said "why do you think you are fat and ugly?" Obviously her daughter wasn't with her when she asked you the question cos of the time frame you mention in your post. The boss needs to have a word with her too if her attitude is causing negative vibes in the office.
However, the above is easier said than done cos I was at a checkout with my 4 year old son years ago being served by a roughly size 24 woman and he piped up and said "Mum why is that lady so fat?" I just wanted the ground to swallow me and got all flustered and had no smart reply then when I was put on the spot! |
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