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How do you tell your friend?
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By *arnayguy OP Man
over a year ago
Durham Tees |
How do you tell your friend that he treats his son differently to his daughter?
I regularly visit friends who have two fantastic children. The father is my close friend and we get on brilliantly. Unfortunately I see that he picks on his son compared to his daughter. It's not physical, it's not threatening, but in my opinion it is just so unnecessary. The daughter can do no wrong, not that she tries to take advantage, it is just he never notices her if she does the same thing as her brother. But as soon as the son does the tiniest thing his Dad is on his case. It is clear that the mother and both kids are aware of it as they look at me knowingly each time. He is a fantastic kid too, doing well at school and an absolute joy compared to many other kids I know. None of the 'crimes' are in the slightest serious either compared to other kids or even me as a child. It's things like not taking a plate to the sink, letting his Mum do something for him insteasd of doing it himself, being a bit loud etc. He's never done typcal boy mischief like most kids get up to, he's a virtual saint!
But my worry is that my friend is mssing out on enjoying his son for the wonderful child he is. He does enjoy some aspects of him, it's not all negative. But he seems so ready to instantly pick on him at the drop of a hat, that it is in my opinion, wasting wonderful years that he will never get back. I seriously worry that the son will end up despising his Dad for the blatantly obvious favouritism he shows to the daughter.
I have been close to telling him to chill out and enjoy the fact he has a happy, healthy boy who hasn't given him a minute of bother compared to other parents. But each time I hold back as I don't want to drive a wedge between us. I do worry that his son will react at some point though, or maybe the mother will too. The Dad spoils nice days by suddenly getting grumpy, picking on his son for comparatively nothing and it just seems such a waste. |
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By *icketysplitsWoman
over a year ago
Way over Yonder, that's where I'm bound |
That is a really difficult one.
Could you have a discussion with him about if he felt favoured or picked on by one parent when a sibling got away with things? Then open it to a wider discussion about how parents treat children differently? He may then realise what he is doing.
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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tough one.. there was a wedge between me and my step dad where he blatantly favoured my brother over me (not his own child im guessing was the main reason, or being female)
my mum was aware of it and had words.
Have you spoken to his wife about it? |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Why not go for a pint with this guy and broach the subject by asking his opinion on something on your mind. Then say basically what you've said here but make out its to do with someone else and you would like his take on it. It may open up a conversation that you could then use some of the things he's done as examples and ask why he does that. Its just a suggestion for a non confrontational approach |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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This what is happening to a mate, she had a son to another bloke. The guy left her for someone else, she got with someone else had a daughter. The fella favours the his daghter and seems to ignore the son, it makes my blood boil to see it. |
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By *arnayguy OP Man
over a year ago
Durham Tees |
"That is a really difficult one.
Could you have a discussion with him about if he felt favoured or picked on by one parent when a sibling got away with things? Then open it to a wider discussion about how parents treat children differently? He may then realise what he is doing.
"
This could be a useful approach as he was the younger child with one older sister. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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You sound like a very reasonable guy so I'm assuming that if you regard this man as a close friend that he is also fairly reasonable.
It is difficult because no one wants to hear what you want to say and it might upset him but if the above is correct he may actually be bit thankful.
Just break it gently. No special occasion, sometime when you are together and relaxed and start off by asking him if you can be honest about something but you don't want him to be upset about it.
If he's a good friend he'll take it on board although he might not immediately like what you have to say. |
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By *arnayguy OP Man
over a year ago
Durham Tees |
"tough one.. there was a wedge between me and my step dad where he blatantly favoured my brother over me (not his own child im guessing was the main reason, or being female)
my mum was aware of it and had words.
Have you spoken to his wife about it?"
It's difficult as I don't want to do anything which betrays our trust as old, best friends. But I have let her know I am aware of his moods and am there for them both if they need me. |
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By *arnayguy OP Man
over a year ago
Durham Tees |
"Why not go for a pint with this guy and broach the subject by asking his opinion on something on your mind. Then say basically what you've said here but make out its to do with someone else and you would like his take on it. It may open up a conversation that you could then use some of the things he's done as examples and ask why he does that. Its just a suggestion for a non confrontational approach "
I did try by using the example of another friend who had to pick his son up from the Police repeatedly, as a way of reminding him how easy he has it compaed to many parents. But it doesn't last. |
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By *arnayguy OP Man
over a year ago
Durham Tees |
"You sound like a very reasonable guy so I'm assuming that if you regard this man as a close friend that he is also fairly reasonable.
It is difficult because no one wants to hear what you want to say and it might upset him but if the above is correct he may actually be bit thankful.
Just break it gently. No special occasion, sometime when you are together and relaxed and start off by asking him if you can be honest about something but you don't want him to be upset about it.
If he's a good friend he'll take it on board although he might not immediately like what you have to say."
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Like a lot of people have already said it's a tough question. You could maybe chat to your friend and describe the situation you've seen and stay it happening to another friend of yours. Ask his opinion ask him to tell you what you should say.
I too have witnessed this as my aunt does the same thing favours my male cousin over my female cousin. I hate it I always treat them the same.
I wish you luck on whatever you decide to do. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"That is a really difficult one.
Could you have a discussion with him about if he felt favoured or picked on by one parent when a sibling got away with things? Then open it to a wider discussion about how parents treat children differently? He may then realise what he is doing.
This could be a useful approach as he was the younger child with one older sister."
It's possible the same happened to him when he was younger. As in his sister got away with everything and he got the blame. He might be doing it without realising. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"This what is happening to a mate, she had a son to another bloke. The guy left her for someone else, she got with someone else had a daughter. The fella favours the his daghter and seems to ignore the son, it makes my blood boil to see it."
Iv witnessed this with an old friend, the boy I'm talking about his her 2 child from a different father and he is treated so horribly by both the mother and step dad!! She knows I noticed it but then so does everyone else. I feel sorry for him he just wants some love and attention from her  |
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You're looking in from the outside. If as you say the mother is aware it is in my opinion, down to her to sort the family dynamic not you. There could be an awful lot going on behind the scenes that you don't know about. The most I would do in your shoes would be to ask if the son was troublesome and when your mate wonders why you ask say because you notice that he disciplines him much more than his sister. In general though unless you know mental or physical abuse is taking place you should stay out of family dynamics. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"How do you tell your friend that he treats his son differently to his daughter?
I regularly visit friends who have two fantastic children. The father is my close friend and we get on brilliantly. Unfortunately I see that he picks on his son compared to his daughter. It's not physical, it's not threatening, but in my opinion it is just so unnecessary. The daughter can do no wrong, not that she tries to take advantage, it is just he never notices her if she does the same thing as her brother. But as soon as the son does the tiniest thing his Dad is on his case. It is clear that the mother and both kids are aware of it as they look at me knowingly each time. He is a fantastic kid too, doing well at school and an absolute joy compared to many other kids I know. None of the 'crimes' are in the slightest serious either compared to other kids or even me as a child. It's things like not taking a plate to the sink, letting his Mum do something for him insteasd of doing it himself, being a bit loud etc. He's never done typcal boy mischief like most kids get up to, he's a virtual saint!
But my worry is that my friend is mssing out on enjoying his son for the wonderful child he is. He does enjoy some aspects of him, it's not all negative. But he seems so ready to instantly pick on him at the drop of a hat, that it is in my opinion, wasting wonderful years that he will never get back. I seriously worry that the son will end up despising his Dad for the blatantly obvious favouritism he shows to the daughter.
I have been close to telling him to chill out and enjoy the fact he has a happy, healthy boy who hasn't given him a minute of bother compared to other parents. But each time I hold back as I don't want to drive a wedge between us. I do worry that his son will react at some point though, or maybe the mother will too. The Dad spoils nice days by suddenly getting grumpy, picking on his son for comparatively nothing and it just seems such a waste."
There are many reasons why people treat their children differently. Unfortunately, being an outsider, I feel any comments you make will be very unwelcome. My friend was always really hard on his lad. Fortunately, his son has turned out to be a really fine young man, and their relationship is now good.
Personally, I would keep out of it. No good will come of you fronting him. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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That young boy that was killed by his parents.... other people saw there was an issue. He was wasting away. No-one said anything, not even his teachers.
Absolutely NOT in any way saying this is the same. But sometimes people SHOULD say something. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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OP without knowing your friend & the family dynamics it's hard to say why.
At a guess I would say your friend is displaying classic leaned behaviour & is probably treating his son how he was treated by his father as a child.
If you were to bring this up with him choose your words wisely & keep it very casual, like an observation. |
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"That young boy that was killed by his parents.... other people saw there was an issue. He was wasting away. No-one said anything, not even his teachers.
Absolutely NOT in any way saying this is the same. But sometimes people SHOULD say something. "
Yes they should if mental or physical abuse is obvious. |
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as I've said before on these type of threads we have one opinion on behaviour exhibited by people that none of us know. How can we give any constructive advice other than to stay out of it unless there is obvious danger to the child or at best approach both parents with an offer of support. |
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