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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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I want my man to have everything he could wish for but it's sometimes hard to deal with my jealousy. After a couple of years of really trying it out I'm guessing this lifestyle isn't for me... How do I cope with letting him carry on alone? Any thoughtful suggestions? |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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Yes and he is. We are trying playing separately as we have different attitudes and preferences - the couples four way thing didn't work for me at all.
We both have contacts to explore on our own.
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Sounds like it would affect your relationship very badly if he carried on without you.
You can't help your feelings, it's not about coping. It doesn't work for everyone, don't feel bad. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I don't like making him feel bad - it's my problem. Insecurities surfacing. I thought going solo would distract me."
No it's not just your problem, you're a couple, you both have to be happy. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I want my man to have everything he could wish for but it's sometimes hard to deal with my jealousy. After a couple of years of really trying it out I'm guessing this lifestyle isn't for me... How do I cope with letting him carry on alone? Any thoughtful suggestions?"
I think you've just got to remember you trust him, and if you become jealous, it can only be...because you don't!  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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well at least you are honest, a lot of people who are jealous dont admit they are and are more likely to be nasty.
do you think its worth staying with your partner if you are going to be hurt by what he does, you could just try and avoid him and do your own thing. |
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By *ugby 123Couple
over a year ago
Forum Mod O o O oo |
Some people can't play games like this so I don't think one half of a partner should have to "cope" with the other doing it.
If you are not happy playing together or seperate then I would be having that conversation of both shouldn't be doing it 
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I don't like making him feel bad - it's my problem. Insecurities surfacing. I thought going solo would distract me.
No it's not just your problem, you're a couple, you both have to be happy."
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By *ugby 123Couple
over a year ago
Forum Mod O o O oo |
"I don't like making him feel bad - it's my problem. Insecurities surfacing. I thought going solo would distract me."
It isn't just your problem, it is making you uhappy so it is a problem for both of you. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Only way is to be open about your feelings with each other and chat about everything even if not nice .... get it off your chest and see how you both feel . That way you can care and look after each other. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Only way is to be open about your feelings with each other and chat about everything even if not nice .... get it off your chest and see how you both feel . That way you can care and look after each other."
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Like the others said, it should be a joint decision and both partners should be happy and respectful.
Not an easy situation. I hope you both manage to sort it.
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Some people can't play games like this so I don't think one half of a partner should have to "cope" with the other doing it.
If you are not happy playing together or seperate then I would be having that conversation of both shouldn't be doing it
"
But being a sexually open individual isn't a "game" for most
Good on you OP, for listening to your partners needs, rather than your own insecurities! |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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We are a happy couple. I don't want him to have regrets. We are open - I'm surprised by how I feel. It's my insecurities nothing he's doing. Not his fault. I think he wishes I could enjoy it as much as him. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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Not crazy jealous. I wish n harm to the people he meets at all. It's the discomfort of him finding pleasure out of our relationship. I am looking for strategies to carry on - or at least try before I give it up. |
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By *ugby 123Couple
over a year ago
Forum Mod O o O oo |
"Some people can't play games like this so I don't think one half of a partner should have to "cope" with the other doing it.
If you are not happy playing together or seperate then I would be having that conversation of both shouldn't be doing it
But being a sexually open individual isn't a "game" for most
"
Then maybe you use the word you would use in place of mine when reading the post. |
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This...doesn't sound healthy.
You two need to talk openly and make your feelings known. If it's not working for one or both, you need to decide if swinging is the right thing for you. - None of this "coping" or "putting up with" crap as it is going to eat away at you and could have dire effects in the future.
And just where you said it would be worse if you stopped him - If he knew you were unhappy and still chose to carry on or openly resented you or made you feel guilty, then it would probably be time to question the relationship... |
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By *ugby 123Couple
over a year ago
Forum Mod O o O oo |
"Not crazy jealous. I wish n harm to the people he meets at all. It's the discomfort of him finding pleasure out of our relationship. I am looking for strategies to carry on - or at least try before I give it up."
If you click on the "quote" button people will know who's post you are replying to |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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I don't think it's a trust issue. It's my issue about it - emotionally. I trust him but we want different things. I'd love to be able to continue as a single on the scene without the hangups. So I was hoping for tips. |
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"Not crazy jealous. I wish n harm to the people he meets at all. It's the discomfort of him finding pleasure out of our relationship. I am looking for strategies to carry on - or at least try before I give it up."
Im single so could be wrong but doesn't insecurity take 2 to fix??
I get that you want to make him happy i just don't get the price you are willing to pay to risk his happiness |
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"I don't think it's a trust issue. It's my issue about it - emotionally. I trust him but we want different things. I'd love to be able to continue as a single on the scene without the hangups. So I was hoping for tips."
So is it jist a case of you don't want to SEE it but you're ok with it going on? |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"
And just where you said it would be worse if you stopped him - If he knew you were unhappy and still chose to carry on or openly resented you or made you feel guilty, then it would probably be time to question the relationship..."
No it's nothing like that. We've only just set out in trying things separately. He's very concerned about my feelings. I'm not pushed into anything and I do want him to explore. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Crikey !!! You have to work this out together , but he can't go alone if you are not really happy about that . If he does even though you tell him your not happy , then I'm afraid your doomed. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"So is it jist a case of you don't want to SEE it but you're ok with it going on?"
That is my hope - yes. But it's not been a great start. Mainly because for him the physical action is immediate and for me - I need to grow the connection first. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"Crikey !!! You have to work this out together , but he can't go alone if you are not really happy about that . If he does even though you tell him your not happy , then I'm afraid your doomed. "
He's not doing that at all. Going solo is our new idea - trying to make it work for both of us. But I'm surprised that so few people here have any difficulty with jealousy. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Some people can't play games like this so I don't think one half of a partner should have to "cope" with the other doing it.
If you are not happy playing together or seperate then I would be having that conversation of both shouldn't be doing it
But being a sexually open individual isn't a "game" for most
Then maybe you use the word you would use in place of mine when reading the post. "
I did...I would have said, "some can't live a lifestyle like this"
Not doing it, because its uncomfortable for one, doesn't remove the issue, it only buries the issue along with resentment, which always comes back to bite you on the ass! |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"Not crazy jealous. I wish n harm to the people he meets at all. It's the discomfort of him finding pleasure out of our relationship. I am looking for strategies to carry on - or at least try before I give it up.
Im single so could be wrong but doesn't insecurity take 2 to fix??
I get that you want to make him happy i just don't get the price you are willing to pay to risk his happiness "
Can you explain how I am risking his happiness? |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"Not doing it, because its uncomfortable for one, doesn't remove the issue, it only buries the issue along with resentment, which always comes back to bite you on the ass!"
That's exactly my point. I would prefer he did it than resented not doing it. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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It sounds as though you care very much about your husband's happiness. I hope he cares as much about yours. If he does, then taking a break or quitting swinging altogether would be something he'd happily do for you.
Talk to him.
It's fine to make sacrifices in a relationship, but not at the expense of your own peace of mind. |
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By *ugby 123Couple
over a year ago
Forum Mod O o O oo |
"Some people can't play games like this so I don't think one half of a partner should have to "cope" with the other doing it.
If you are not happy playing together or seperate then I would be having that conversation of both shouldn't be doing it
But being a sexually open individual isn't a "game" for most
Then maybe you use the word you would use in place of mine when reading the post.
I did...I would have said, "some can't live a lifestyle like this"
"
It just shows we are all different doesn't it.
We don't use the word "lifestyle" as it isn't a "lifestyle" for us .....it is just fun and games whenever we fancy it.
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"It sounds as though you care very much about your husband's happiness. I hope he cares as much about yours. If he does, then taking a break or quitting swinging altogether would be something he'd happily do for you.
Talk to him.
It's fine to make sacrifices in a relationship, but not at the expense of your own peace of mind."
Yes. Certainly something must change. I do like meeting new men and he likes having adventures too - there must be a way to work it out.
We are very open - I do talk to him. We've had breaks and he is keener than I am to meet others. I'm not pouring my heart out here.
I was hoping for some suggestions and practical advice. Fr instance - would two separate profiles be better? |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Not doing it, because its uncomfortable for one, doesn't remove the issue, it only buries the issue along with resentment, which always comes back to bite you on the ass!
That's exactly my point. I would prefer he did it than resented not doing it."
I knew it was, my bf and had to deal with this issue, I used to get jealous too, but its only because its what you are used to feeling when your mate has sex with another, ...those feelings will change when your partner proves your trust in him is not wasted or abused! |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"It sounds as though you care very much about your husband's happiness. I hope he cares as much about yours. If he does, then taking a break or quitting swinging altogether would be something he'd happily do for you."
I appreciate all the concern and care from you though!!! |
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By *ugby 123Couple
over a year ago
Forum Mod O o O oo |
"Not doing it, because its uncomfortable for one, doesn't remove the issue, it only buries the issue along with resentment, which always comes back to bite you on the ass!
That's exactly my point. I would prefer he did it than resented not doing it."
But won't that have a detrimental effect on you? |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"Not doing it, because its uncomfortable for one, doesn't remove the issue, it only buries the issue along with resentment, which always comes back to bite you on the ass!
That's exactly my point. I would prefer he did it than resented not doing it.
I knew it was, my bf and had to deal with this issue, I used to get jealous too, but its only because its what you are used to feeling when your mate has sex with another, ...those feelings will change when your partner proves your trust in him is not wasted or abused!"
(OK - that's promising. So you think I'm reacting from past expected behavior programming? That's actually really interesting. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Some people can't play games like this so I don't think one half of a partner should have to "cope" with the other doing it.
If you are not happy playing together or seperate then I would be having that conversation of both shouldn't be doing it
But being a sexually open individual isn't a "game" for most
Then maybe you use the word you would use in place of mine when reading the post.
I did...I would have said, "some can't live a lifestyle like this"
It just shows we are all different doesn't it.
We don't use the word "lifestyle" as it isn't a "lifestyle" for us .....it is just fun and games whenever we fancy it.
"
Ah...fair enough..each to their own, but its not like that for everyone, to us that live it everyday, its a little more important to deal with these issues as they arise!  |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"That's exactly my point. I would prefer he did it than resented not doing it.
But won't that have a detrimental effect on you?"
I don't know. It's interesting though - the point just made - that the jealousy stems from expectations made before we were even together. Food for thought... |
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By *ugby 123Couple
over a year ago
Forum Mod O o O oo |
"Some people can't play games like this so I don't think one half of a partner should have to "cope" with the other doing it.
If you are not happy playing together or seperate then I would be having that conversation of both shouldn't be doing it
But being a sexually open individual isn't a "game" for most
Then maybe you use the word you would use in place of mine when reading the post.
I did...I would have said, "some can't live a lifestyle like this"
It just shows we are all different doesn't it.
We don't use the word "lifestyle" as it isn't a "lifestyle" for us .....it is just fun and games whenever we fancy it.
Ah...fair enough..each to their own, but its not like that for everyone, "
I did't say it was |
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By *ugby 123Couple
over a year ago
Forum Mod O o O oo |
"That's exactly my point. I would prefer he did it than resented not doing it.
But won't that have a detrimental effect on you?
I don't know. It's interesting though - the point just made - that the jealousy stems from expectations made before we were even together. Food for thought..."
If you are happy to see if playing alone solves things the there is no harm in trying.
Good luck whatever you do |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"Would two separate profiles be better?
Yes if you are not going to be playing as a couple "
I'm considering this. I did have a single profile but it seemed unfair. Single male profiles are blocked by most couples. We are genuine as a couple and do socialise together at AbFabs and Kestrels. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Would two separate profiles be better?
Yes if you are not going to be playing as a couple
I'm considering this. I did have a single profile but it seemed unfair. Single male profiles are blocked by most couples. We are genuine as a couple and do socialise together at AbFabs and Kestrels."
Keep the couples profile open then at the same time. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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Thanks everyone. I think I will open a singles profile alongside the couples one for a while. Also - will give it more time and challenge my preconceptions about why I feel the way I do. I'd not considered pre-programmed thoughts. X |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Not doing it, because its uncomfortable for one, doesn't remove the issue, it only buries the issue along with resentment, which always comes back to bite you on the ass!
That's exactly my point. I would prefer he did it than resented not doing it.
I knew it was, my bf and had to deal with this issue, I used to get jealous too, but its only because its what you are used to feeling when your mate has sex with another, ...those feelings will change when your partner proves your trust in him is not wasted or abused!
(OK - that's promising. So you think I'm reacting from past expected behavior programming? That's actually really interesting."
Absolutely....its all a lifetime of conditioning to think a certain way, your perception of the issue will change as you've already noticed the issue is yours and not his...as you've probably just realised...most don't! You and your partner are not swingers like most, you learning to be open sexual 'individuals'...way more fun...it all comes with time, discussion and honesty... Really hopes this helps, there's not many of us here! |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I actually think Ruggers hit the nail on the head with her first post. Its not something you should feel you have to cope with.
When my partner and I got together (through fab) I said quite categorically that at the moment I couldn't deal with him meeting others and me meeting others, it was 20 seconds of laying myself on the line but it was that or no relationship for me.
Good luck OP with whatever you choose to do. I would say try not to say its because you're insecure, that is quite self deprecating and is likely to make you feel worse. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"Not doing it, because its uncomfortable for one, doesn't remove the issue, it only buries the issue along with resentment, which always comes back to bite you on the ass!
That's exactly my point. I would prefer he did it than resented not doing it.
I knew it was, my bf and had to deal with this issue, I used to get jealous too, but its only because its what you are used to feeling when your mate has sex with another, ...those feelings will change when your partner proves your trust in him is not wasted or abused!
(OK - that's promising. So you think I'm reacting from past expected behavior programming? That's actually really interesting.
Absolutely....its all a lifetime of conditioning to think a certain way, your perception of the issue will change as you've already noticed the issue is yours and not his...as you've probably just realised...most don't! You and your partner are not swingers like most, you learning to be open sexual 'individuals'...way more fun...it all comes with time, discussion and honesty... Really hopes this helps, there's not many of us here! "
Thank you - yours was the best and most interesting point. Really appreciated. I don't think it's a massive warning bell to have doubts. And I think it's healthy to recognise insecurities for what they are and deal with them. I actually feel better already. x |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"I actually think Ruggers hit the nail on the head with her first post. Its not something you should feel you have to cope with.
When my partner and I got together (through fab) I said quite categorically that at the moment I couldn't deal with him meeting others and me meeting others, it was 20 seconds of laying myself on the line but it was that or no relationship for me.
Good luck OP with whatever you choose to do. I would say try not to say its because you're insecure, that is quite self deprecating and is likely to make you feel worse. "
I've appreciated the advice in the thread. I do think it's valid to look for coping strategies though - when something isn't working. I want to fix it - not just retreat. And by recognising that it is a little insecurity and nothing more serious - I feel like things will improve. I'm not down on myself. Just trying to stay honest.
I have a renewed fondness for this site though - lots of care and wisdom on here! X |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"
Absolutely....its all a lifetime of conditioning to think a certain way, your perception of the issue will change as you've already noticed the issue is yours and not his...as you've probably just realised...most don't! You and your partner are not swingers like most, you learning to be open sexual 'individuals'...way more fun...it all comes with time, discussion and honesty... Really hopes this helps, there's not many of us here!
Thank you - yours was the best and most interesting point. Really appreciated. I don't think it's a massive warning bell to have doubts. And I think it's healthy to recognise insecurities for what they are and deal with them. I actually feel better already. x"
The warning bell is to those who don't think about why they behave in a negative...
Its a very logical way of life...its easy if you can put emotions on hold and disect the facts...most folks are unable to do that without taking offence and getting all hurt and upset, that then breeds guilt to your partner, who then feels inconsiderate and selfish, he gives in, you win! That's the 'normal' way of sticking your head in the sand!  |
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